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Will Your Next Car Run Windows?
An anonymous reader writes "Microsoft is beginning to move into the automotive industry. Their 'Automotive Business Unit' is selling a custom version of Windows CE called Windows Automotive. Microsoft attended a conference in Detroit this week to promote their software."
Great - now I can crash my car even after I've already crashed it.
No more!!!!
Gives a whole new meaning to "SUV" and "crash test"...
"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of" - Ogden Nash
the crash jokes...
i only drive stick, therefore i'll run linux.
Cogito Eggo Sum, I think therefore I'm a waffle
Please step on brake, gas, and clutch simultaneously to reboot.
You know it's gonna be bad when the windshield turns blue all of a sudden...
In Soviet Russia jokes are formulaic and decidedly non-humorous.
"Please press Brake, Gas and Horn to restart your vehicle"
http://autorepair.about.com/cs/funstuff/a/bl_funny _2a.htm
This is it! This is how they get the military! Soon, elite Microsoft stormtroopers will swarm thestreets, while all of our military is sitting in vans.
And those doors won't open.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Will Your Next Car Run Windows?
Crawl it, maybe, but *run* it ?
I'm looking forward to the System Restore feature, I've had hail damage for 2 years that would cost a fortune to fix the old fashioned way.
It's only a model.
I can see the confusion now...
Geek walks into auto dealer:
"I'd really like a car without Windows, please."
I'll turn into a supernova and burn up everything. Well I'll turn into a black little hole and you'll turn into string.
All your [brakes, transmissions, steering, bucket seats, stereo,...] are belong to us".
And OnStar gives advice on spyware removal...
"Restart the automobile in Safe Mode"
Busy aligning my non-linear thoughts.
``BMW is working with Apple to replace its Windows in Car solution with something from Apple.''
Does that mean that future BMWs will have only one pedal?
Please correct me if I got my facts wrong.
What would happen if you clicked 'No' to the EULA? Would you have to return the car for a refund?
BTM
That was the turning point of my life--I went from negative zero to positive zero.
Maybe not at first - but once they get Windows into your car, whats to say a few years down the road when they're more comfortable, who says they won't start integrating? It wouldn't be the first time...
... Suddenly your vehicle explodes.
"Look! We can improve your fuel economy by 20%!"
Too lazy to google for it, but there was an incident in Taiwan where a guy got locked inside his BMW 7-series due to a WinCE lock-up. He had to call for help on his cellphone.
Clippy: you have made a left turn, a right turn, and pressed the brake, it seems you are trying to evade a road hazard.
Clippy: would you like to enable the road hazard wizard?
Driver: Hurridly presses the YES button on the steering wheel?
Clippy: Windows ME (Mobile Edition), has many new features, it now loads faster than ever...you can even shut down unresponsive programs without rebooting. Car now approaching cliff
Driver: WTF, hurry up!
Clippy: Thank, you for installing Windows ME. Would you like to run the AutoEvade Wizard.
Driver: Ithought I just did that, pushes yes.
Clippy: What type of hazard are you trying to evade?
- Pothole
- pedestrian
- CowboyNeal
- The hazard I am trying to evade is not listed here
Driver selects the last option, car is bouncing of the guardrain nowClippy: Windows ME has detected new hardware, and is unable to find a driver for it and must shut down.
Driver: Argrghehahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......$^@$^@^@^3cras h^C^C^CC^C^
[Obligatory "when i was a kid, we didn't need none of that shit" reply]
Man is a slave because freedom is difficult, whereas slavery is easy.
"Not you again," I said.
"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."
Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"No," I said.
"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."
"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."
"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."
The Microsoft man looked perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why buy it, if you can't use it?"
"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
"People without computers?"
"Got 'em."
"Amazonian Indians?"
"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
"The Amish."
"Check."
"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear buttons. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"
"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, everyone has a copy. Except you."
"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"
"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
"No."
"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll give you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
"It did."
"Excuse me?"
"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
"So what happened?"
"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
"Go away," I said.
"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
"You have got to be kidding," I said.
"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the Amish. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsylvania again. But we did it. So to have you holding out, well, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing to the company. It's embarrassing to the product. It's embarrassing to Bill."
"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
because cars are too expensive. Talk about your high hardware costs. How long until Ballmer pushes for $100 cars?
I may twist orthodoxy to partly justify a tyrant. But I can easily make up a German philosophy to justify him entirely.
Would you like to install critical update QNX801091881073 brake-control exploit fix, before you use your car? ...This update will take 5 hrs. and 23 min...
Where do you want to go today?
/^([Ss]ame [Bb]at (time, |channel.)){2}$/
Yeah, I can just see it now...
Mandatory Wi-Fi connection with the car...
When you open the door you have less than a minute to start the car and boot up your firewall before the worms get ya!
Who in their right mind would trust Microsoft with any critical system? Not to mention having an ugly "Made for WinCE" sticker right next to the already-annoying dealer broach on the rear trunk lid!
[voice name="jayleno"]
Say! I wonder if those cool crash testing experts Vince and Larry will be available for promotions!? "You can learn a lot from a dummy!"
What do you do when something goes wrong on a long road trip? "Sorry, ma'am, but the mechanic what can fix that bluescreen of yorn is out fishin' to tomorrah."
Why does my car tell me to "Press the Brake to Go"?
"I was going to get my dangling exhaust pipe fixed, but my wife still likes the drag and drop interface."
I hear the Consumer Reports folks have chimed in on these new computerized dashboards. This is the first year that BMW had more bugs in their product line than Volkswagen!
[/voice]
[
Now we can get a new HUD in the windows to with a paperclip to overstate the obvious, and flood us with propaganda.
You are being over-charged.
This dealership is raping you.
You are paying extra to have your car washed before you drive off the lot, but the only one taking a bath is you.
I'm a no good piece of shit built with expensive hard to find parts. Might as well be made by Dell.
PSST, drive off this cliff... do it for Bill. Microsoft loves you.
That asshole uses Linux... RUN HIM OVER! It's okay.. Microsoft backs you.
Did you know!? (Insert useless bullshit here)
Please pull over at the next corner, exit the vehicle, pull down your pants and bend over. A gloved Microsoft employee will be by to service you soon. You did read the EULA didn't you?
ALERT: You changed your bumper stickers. Please contact Microsoft ASAP for vehicle reactivation.
Did you know!? No, we don't run on Linux, we run over Linux.
Did you know!? Would you like to continue seeing these pointers upon ignition? [YES] [NO, (but yes really)]
ALERT: User SCUM~: You must updgrade to PRO to listen to this radio station. Such as...
Microsoft Media Player Radio v0.1845 SP 45
Thank you for choosing Microso.... *BSOD*
Where do you want to go today? Think about it. It's Wenesday you know. This car isn't going anywhere.
ILLEGAL OPERATION: U-TURN... CANNOT FIND STOPSIGN.DLL. FULLSPEED AHEAD!
I can just imagine having Windows software in a car. Sure, this Windows Automotive doesn't integrate with low-end systems (brakes) right now, but you know how Microsoft works... embrace and extend. Next thing you know, Clippy will show up on the entertainment console. "You seem to be trying to park your vehicle. Would you like help?"
Having a smoking section in a public restaurant is like having a peeing section in a public swimming pool.
Now, you just hack into their car, and have them rear-end a police car.
Fight Spammers!
You could have it crash before it crashes.
Things to look forward to:
Reboot on the San Diego Freeway during rush
You turn off the ignition and it asks if you're sure you want to do that
You turn off ignition and it asks if you want to install patches before shutdown (then notice the next morning it's been stuck in a loop installing patches all night [this was the case with my laptop at work])
You can only hook up MS DRM stereos, installed by MCSE's
Blue Windscreen of Death
All the cars in the world get cracked and do syncronized driving or demo-derby
Yet another mandatory service you must have performed by a certified professional for $$$ (all repairs are insanely expensive now, if you haven't had wiring, eletronics, mechanicals, count yourself lucky!)
You keep getting passed by that commie nutjob in the the veedub running Linux, despite Ballmer insisting you should have more power.
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
Only one in ten people would actually get it started on their own.
No owners' manuals. You either know how to drive or you don't.
There'd be no brake lights, turn signals, gauges, or steering wheel. Real drivers don't need all those extras. They do it the hard way because they can.
Door locks would be pgp-encrypted
No windows.
You win. The thread is done now.
Great, another place for pop-up ads from x10.com or some company selling drugs...
"Looks like you are heading to the Bater Motel. Would you like to get some discount Viagra for your hot date?"
Next, we will have to make sure Gator does not get installed when we get a new carburetor put in at the shop.
Great - now I can crash my car even after I've already crashed it.
You could have it crash before it crashes.
You can even crash it at the same time! Oh, the possibilities!
Actually, I guess we've exhausted all the possibilities.
Well, that was fun.
Accountability on the heads of the powerful.
Power in the hands of the accountable.
A car without Windows? How will you see the road? Will it have a funky video system, and you'll be surrounded by screens?
(what a terrible pun)
Vintage computer games and RPG books available. Email me if you're interested.
The windows in my car work just fine and I have 6 of them. Four of them are as interactive as I get with windows anymore. I put it up, I put it down. It even has it's own version of "Shutdown": Push the button, hold for .5 sec and release and it will go down all by itself.
My question is: If this was in a Jeep, could I "remove the windows" when I go off-roading or would I have to rebuild the Jeep? Will there be an "Add/Remove Hardware" button in the jeep to remove and install my windows? What about the doors or the hard top?
Please step on brake, gas, and clutch simultaneously to reboot.
More like brake, gas, and passenger-side door lock simultaneously
The Reality Distortion Field will make your morning commute feel like you're driving wherever it is they film car commercials and makes you feel better about the limited number of places you can actually go in an iBMW, since most of the roads seem to be made especially for "Microsoft Car XP."
The iBMW is extremely easy to maintain, as transmission fluid, brake fluid, antifreeze, wiper fluid, and oil have all been replaced in the iBMW with the universal iFluid. You need to send the iBMW back to Germany to change the battery, however. Most of the innovations present in the iBMW will appear 3 years from now in the inexplicably popular "Microsoft Car 2007," but they will not work nearly as well.
Microsoft announced that in order to track bugs they will include a new dump screen called the "Blue windshield of death"
"I bow to no man" - Riddick
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
I hate Windows from the bottom of my soulless being as it is now, trying to solve menial tasks running trivial software. I'd rank controlling the vehicle I'm in as mission-critical. The nearest it gets to my car is in the trunk as long as the puter in question is turned off.
'Once scientists, even the dim-witted social scientists, get muzzled, the Western Civilization is finished.' - oldhack
Scene: Woman tries to start her car at midnight as some vandals are threatening her.
"Hello! Welcome to the Windows automotive helper. Would you like me to?
a) Start the car,
b) Open the doors,
c) Call for help.
a a a!!!
"Hmm... the car doesn't seem to start. Would you like me to?
a) Check the oil
b) Check the gas
c) Check the engine temperature
Ok, go back! Call the police!
"Seems you're in an emergency! Is it?
a) Fire,
b) Car crash
c) Other
c, just hurry!
"Okay, I don't know what happened in this emergency. So i'll open the doors. Have a nice day".
NOOOOOOOOOOO
(Evil assault scene follows)
Ten minutes later...
"Hey, looks like you're hurt. Would you like me to?"
a) Call the paramedics
b) Call the police
c) Call the fire dept.
"**** up you idiot!!"
"Self destructing... have a nice day."