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Craigslist to Beam Ads into Space (for Free)
rdarden writes "According to a press release issues yesterday, Craigslist will be broadcasting 10,000 ads into space later this year. CEO Jim Buckmaster won an eBay auction offered by Deep Space Communications Network, a Cape Canaveral, Florida company. According to an article at Technewsworld.com, they may have already received permission from 10,000 ad submitters."
Cue thousands of angry alien civilizations rushing in to destroy the earth-spammers.
Earth: "Greetings, friends from space, welcome to Earth!"
Alien spaceship: "All your Burger Kings are belong to us."
Just
Universe's leading source of spam!
Blank until
Alien 1: Sir we're receiving a transmission...
Alien 2: What does it say?
Alien 1: Increase it's size by 3 inches!!!
Alien 2: ?????
That should be enough to get us blacklisted as spammers. There goes any hope of making first contact!
Single White Male in Search of Grey Alien Anal Probe
-*The above statement is printed entirely on recycled electrons*-
1. Create an ad
2. Send it into space
3. ???????
4. Profit
Humanity finally perfects FTL travel, and the first colonists are lost because the communications channel is filled ads for v|@gr4 and old 'Friends' re-runs and Hitler kicking off the '36 Olympics.
Fan-frickin'-tastic.
The only surefire protection against Microsoft infections is abstinence. - The Onion
Polyamorous alien within 1003.2 light years (same galactic arm only please) with prime number of piercing into tentacle sex and black hole bondage wanted by endoskeletal ape descendant (some hair) with XY sex chromosomes and external genitalia (tentacle-like but not prehensile). Please be between 3'2" and 10'7" along your longest dimension, weigh no more than 500 pounds (no prejudice against big boned aliens, but there are physical limitations), have skin pigmentation that absorbs IR and fluoresces under near UV light. I still live with my evolutionary relatives, so you must have your own spacecraft.
October 13, 2005: Craigslist beams 10,000 ads into space
October 14, 2005: Earth obliterated by the Intergalactic Anti-Spam Defense Force
October 15, 2005: [Nothing]
Irritable, left-wing and possibly humorous bumper stickers and t-shirts
The last thing humans will ever see will be an intergalactic missile streaking towards earth, inscribed with the alien word for "Unsubscribe".
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed are not necessarily my own, as I've not yet had my medication today.
It's not like the response rate for my personals ads will get any lower by beaming them into space, I figured they were doing this already.
FOR SALE: **DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH**. Third planet from Sun. Surface mainly dihydrogen monoxide with some silicates. Good starter planet for young, carbon-based species. Still has much of original fossil fuel deposits. Excellent views of Venus, Mars. Small hole in ozone layer. Aboriginal biped humanoid species infestation can easily be removed with genetically engineered plague, or runaway nanotech "accident".
PRICE: 1.2 Million Quatloos. **CALL NOW** will not be listed for long at this price!
Soylent Green is peoplicious!
we won't have to ask why...
--
My esteemed colleague,
Let me introduce myself. I am James Obayyama Coquhamm'uoy of Nigeria, on the African continent, on a small blue-green planet circling a star known as 'sol'
Recently, my government was overthrown by dissidents and my father, General Christian Obayyama Coquhamm'uoy was killed.
Upon his death, it was discovered that he had accumulated a large fortune which we need to get off this planet as soon as possible.
My dear friend. I am a God-fearing man. I am putting my trust in you, another God fearing man of stable character and distinct reputation, to take a share in transporting 6,200,000 (SIX MILLION TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND) bars of GOLD-PRESSED LATINUM to your bank account at Alpha Centuri.
blah...blah...blah...
"My God, it's full of Spam!"
--
BMO
I don't really want to see a "goatse" constellation up in space.....
Monstar L
Man, that nightclub sucks so much ass (along with most other French ones). Hard to believe there's actually quite a few people who cross the border from Geneva who go to that club... How much house and jungle can a man take? Why, if it wasn't for all the drunk hotties there... oh wait, I think I just answered my question... /me shakes his fist at the overpriced drinks there...
Aliens are going to think we're beings with large breasts and giant penises.
CC
CKSCIII
Great. Now instead of first contact being with the Vulcans, it will be with the Ferengi.
Loose lips lose spit.
Into *SPACE*, you moron! RTFA! It's like "overseas" is to Americans, it's all the same out there!
FROM:
,A FOREIGN OIL CONSULTANT/CONTRACTOR WITH THE EARTH INSTITUTE OF MINING AND METALLURGY, MR. MICHAEL FOSTER MADE A NUMBERED TIME(FIXED) DEPOSIT FOR TWELVE EARTH MONTHS, VALUED AT 26,500,000.00,(TWENTY-SIX MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITS GALACTIC CURRENCY) IN MY BRANCH.
MR.SOLOMON ALEMAYEHU
WORLD BANK OF EARTH
STREET P.O.BOX 5550
ADDIS ABABA,ETHIOPIA, EARTH, THE MILKYWAY.
DEAR SIR/MADAM/THING,
I AM MR.SOLOMON ALEMAYEHU, BANK MANAGER OF WORLD BANK OF EARTH.
THIS IS AN URGENT AND VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSITION.
ON 1123.423123 METRIC DATE
UPON MATURITY,I SENT A ROUTINE NOTIFICATION TO HIS FORWARDING ADDRESS BUT GOT NO REPLY. AFTER A MONTH,WE SENT A REMINDER AND FINALLY WE DISCOVERED FROM HIS CONTRACT EMPLOYERS, THE MARTIAN PETROLEUM CORPORATION THAT MR. MICHAEL FOSTER DIED FROM AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT.
ON FURTHER INVESTIGATION,I FOUND OUT THAT HE DIED WITHOUT MAKING A WILL,AND ALL ATTEMPTS TO TRACE HIS NEXT OF KIN WAS FRUITLESS.
I THEREFORE MADE FURTHER INVESTIGATION AND DISCOVERED THAT MR. MICHAEL FOSTER DID NOT DECLARE ANY KIN OR RELATIONS IN ALL HIS OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS,INCLUDING HIS BANK DEPOSIT PAPER WORK IN MY BANK HERE ON EARTH.THIS SUM OF 26,500,000.00 HAS CAREFULLY BEEN FIXED IN MY BANK FOR SAFEKEEPING.
NO ONE WILL EVER COME FORWARD TO CLAIM IT.ACCORDING TO EARTH LAW, AT THE EXPIRATION OF 5 (FIVE) STANDARD EARTH YEARS, THE MONEY WILL REVERT TO THE OWNERSHIP OF THE GOVERNMENT IF NOBODY APPLIES TO CLAIM THE FUND.CONSEQUENTLY, MY PROPOSAL IS THAT I WILL LIKE YOU AS A ALIEN TO STAND IN AS THE OWNER OF THE MONEY WHICH WAS FIXED DEPOSITED IN MY BANK.I AM WRITING YOU BECAUSE I AS A PUBLIC SERVANT,I CANNOT OPERATE A NON-SOLAR-SYSTEM ACCOUNT.
I WANT TO PRESENT YOU AS THE OWNER OF THE FUNDS SO YOU CAN BE ABLE TO CLAIM THEM WITH THE HELP OF MY ATTORNEY. THIS IS SIMPLE.I WILL LIKE YOU TO PROVIDE IMMEDIATELY YOUR FULL NAMES AND ADDRESS SO THAT THE ATTORNEY WILL PREPARE THE NECESSARY DOCUMENTS WHICH WILL PUT YOU IN PLACE AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUNDS.
THE MONEY WILL BE MOVED OUT FOR US TO SHARE IN THE RATIO OF 80% FOR ME AND 20% FOR YOU. THE PAPERWORK FOR THIS TRANSACTION WILL BE DONE BY THE ATTORNEY.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, PLEASE REPLY IMMEDIATELY VIA THE SAME METHOD THIS REACHES YOU AND UPON YOUR RESPONSE, I SHALL THEN PROVIDE YOU WITH MORE DETAILS AND RELEVANT DOCUMENTS THAT WILL HELP YOU UNDERSTAND THE TRANSACTION.
PLEASE OBSERVE UTMOST CONFIDENTIALITY, AND BE REST ASSURED THAT THIS TRANSACTION WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE FOR BOTH OF US BECAUSE I SHALL REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE TO INVEST MY SHARE IN REAL ESTATE WITHIN YOUR PLANET.
AWAITING YOUR URGENT REPLY.
THANKS AND MY REGARDS.
SOLOMON ALEMAYEHU.
WORLD BANK OF EARTH
StrayByte.Net
have resorted to nowadays? I'm sure you had stories MUCH more worthy of acceptance, instead you choose to publish rubbish like this.
Don't mean to sound like a troll, but are you sure you don't choose stories based on random numbers and a team of trained hansters?
Find a job you like and you will never work a day in your life.
Imagine what aliens will think of us when they decipher their first "Enlarge your p3n15 today!" message from these "humans".....
Online backup with Mozy, sounds like Ozzie, but more!
HAM radio operators hoping to contact distant life for the altruistic goal of communication aren't nearly as annoying as advertisers who want to make a buck off of every sentient being in the universe.
I'm going to be very angry when some superpowerful aliens show up to put themselves on our "do not call " list with an Earth-destroying weapon.
Mod me down and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!
OMFG y not
if the alein ppls have evlvd evn futher than us have, theyll probly be speling like this
we have nothing to loose
Somebody set up us the ad!
When I am king, you will be first against the wall.
"Realtime black hole list" is a cool-sounding phrase when it just refers to a blacklist of names. But when real black holes get involved, watch out!
How did you get *that* past the lameness filter?
:).
Good work, though
Point high gain direction antenna into space, crank watts up to 100
but do they make one that you can crank up to 111?
Trained hamsters? The hamsters they use are nothing of the sort!
Great. Now they're spamming the galaxy.
I hope this attracts a Vorlon planet killer in response.
Sky subscribers are morons. They pay to be advertised at !
what do you think really causes novas?
every day http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
I for one do not wish to send spam to our new alien overlords.
Hey, any direction other than towards my inbox/TV/radio is OK and enjoys my support.
Ni.
They should be more excited about the message I sent:
"I claim your planet in the name of Earth. Surrender or die."
I'm expecting an answer back in a few thousand years.
Remember the days of venture capitalists throwing money into high "burn rate" companies, and then the general public throwing money into high "burn rate public traded" companies? This is kind of like throwing your money away, again, but instead of having nothing to show for it here on Earth, you'll have nothing to show for it up in space... very profound.
And I think that if you're going to send out images into space, you best send out a copy of Irfanview, or a JPEG viewer (read their FAQ), because those damn intelligent life forms just may not understand the JPEG file format. (I hear they're into PNG)
I think the only thing that would actually effective would be to send huge banners or posters into space. I'm detaching my Heather Locklear and Motley Crue posters right now. ALl of these signal transmissions will just sound like space noise, but an old picture of Leather Locklear in a cheesy white bathing suit would be a far better way to communicate.
Or this...
You know, I can't blame the Vogons for bulldozing the planet if they are trying to stop SPAM. I mean, they're just these guys, you know?
HA! I just wasted some of your bandwidth with a frivolous sig!
> "I claim your planet in the name of Earth. Surrender or die."
:)
Imagine if the SETI folks received a message like that from another planet. If it managed to make mainstream news, people would be freaking out.
I want to send the message "Ecosystem failing. Need ride off this rock. Pick up at Long -118.20193 Lat 33.85908, Earth."
Serious? Seriousness is well above my pay grade.