Slashdot Mirror
What's the Best Geek Joke You Know?
super_ogg writes "To break some of the office blues, I decided to tell the worst geek joke I know: 'Why did the Comp. Engineer get X-mas and Halloween mixed up? A: Because Oct(31) == Dec(25)!' Some groaned, some laughed, but only a geek could understand it. I was wondering what are some of the best/worst geek jokes people have out there for the Slashdot community?"
Here's the best one I know. It's a bit long...but I have faith in you.
____
~ |rip/\/\aster /\/\onkey
A: None. It's a hardware problem.
Ascii to ascii, Dos to Dos...
Q- Who was the first computer technician?
A- Eve. She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
Trolling is a art,
There are only 10 kinds of people in the world:
.... ha ha
... groan
Those who know binary
And those who don't
A cop pulls over Dr. Heisenburg and says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Dr. Heisenburg responds, "NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am"
Professor: What is the integral of dcabin over cabin?
Student: Log cabin
Professor: No, its a house boat! You forgot to add the C
Professor: What is the area of a circle
Student: Pi R square
Professor: Pi are not square, Pie are round
Thoughts on tech, Software Engineering, and stuff
Go here and have fun.
a recent one:
pathogen: in maths today we found out that 1+3+3+7 = 14
pathogen: so therefore 1337 = 14
pathogen: so anyone who speaks 1337 is 14
With so many ppl on
The instructions on his shampoo said: Lather, rinse, repeat.
\/\/oobie
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
Error: PANTS NOT FOUND. Press <F1> to continue.
A computer programmer was driving his Porsche down the road. He stops for a stop sign and notices a frog in the middle of the road. The frog says to the programmer 'Hey you in the car. I'm not really a frog. I used to be a beautiful princess. If you kiss me, I will turn back into a princess and in return I will give you the best night of sex you've ever had.' The computer programmer mumbles, 'sure, yeah.' He picks up the frog and then continues down the road. The frog then says, 'OK look. If you kiss me, I'll give you a whole week of incredible sex.' The programmer mumbles, 'sure, yeah.' The frog says more forcably this time, 'Look maybe you don't understand. I'm tired of being a frog. If you kiss me I'll give you the best sex you've ever had for the rest of your entire life.' Once again the programmer mumbles 'sure, yeah.' Finally the frog says, 'Well can you at least tell me why you won't kiss me?' The computer programmer says 'Well you see I'm a computer programmer and don't have much time for sex. But a talking frog is really neat.'
http://Lenny.com
From bash.org
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right
Banu
A logician tells a collegue his wife just had a baby.
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- Yes.
(translated from french, but should be understandable...)
the input arguments?
Singularity: a belief in the "God" idea with the "demiurge" relation inverted.
So a software engineer, a hardware engineer and their manager are in the car going to an expo in their rental car. To get there they must navigate a treacherous mountain road. While they are coming down a steep and narrow incline the car's brakes go out. The car starts going way too fast and they all fear this will be the end of their lives. But somehow the driver manages to not careen off the road and the manage glide to a stop once safely down the hill.
They all get out and catch their breath for a minute.
The manager is first to speak, "Well, let me get my cell phone so I can call the tow truck to take it to the garage."
The hardware engineer says, "No, no, no, just pop the hood and we can fix the problem ourselves."
The software engineer says, "Guys, just wait. Before we do anything we should take it up the hill and see if it happens again!"
Heh.
-David
There. Now go play some cool javascript games!
I once saw a beetle with a license plate that read "FEATURE." ;)
Three foreigners: a businessman, physicist, and mathematician, are talking about the country they're all visiting for the first time.
Suddenly, the businessman points out the window in surprise. "Look at that! The sheep in Scotland are black!"
Amused at how readily his new friend jumps to conclusions, the physicist corrects him: "No, all we can be certain of is that some of the sheep in Scotland are black."
The mathematician looks out the window himself, and corrects the both of them: "We know there exists a sheep in Scotland which is black on at least one side."
A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are staying in a hotel. Outside their rooms, a fire erupts.
The physicist steps outside to see the fire along with a bucket and water spigot. He simply fills the bucket with water and pours it on the flames until they go out then returns to bed.
The engineer steps outside to see the fire along with the bucket and water spigot. He meticulously calculates the amount of water needed and the rate of flow to most efficiently and effectively put out the fire. After a few minutes and a couple tests, the fire is extinguished.
The mathematician steps outside and sees the fire. He also notices the bucket and water spigot and exclaims "Their exists a solution" and returns to bed.
$_='A doctor, a lawyer, and a mathematician were having a conversation about the relative benefits of wives and mistresses.
The doctor insisted that, from a health perspective, it was far better to have a wife. He talked about stress, relaxation, routine, and other factors.
The lawyer contended that it was better to have a mistress, because that way you retain more of your legal rights, she doesn't own half your property, and so forth.
The mathematician said that he could see both sides of that argument, but really he thought it was best to have both.
"Both?", the doctor and the lawyer exclaimed. "Why?"
"Sure, both. That way, when the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with the wife, you can sneak off by yourself and do mathematics."
'; print; s/mathematician/computer geek/; s/mathematics/programming/; print;
Cut that out, or I will ship you to Norilsk in a box.
"What's wrong?" asks e^x.
"There's a Differential Operator in town!" yells x^2. "If I run into him too many times, I'll disappear!"
"Don't worry," responds e^x. "I'll go have a chat with him. No, don't worry about me -- he can't hurt me. After all, I'm e^x."
So e^x walks down the street to the Differential Operator. "My friend tells me you're a Differential Operator," e^x says pompously. "Well, I'm e^x."
"Pleased to meet you, e^x," says the Differential Operator. "I'm d/dt."
All of a sudden, they stumble upon Archemides with a canteen full of water! Archemides says "One of you can have this canteen and you'll live, but only if you walk half way to it, stop, walk half way to it, etc., etc.
The mathematic, in anquish, lays his head in his arm and start to cry. "It can't be done" he rages.
The engineer looks at the mathematician in disgust, shrugs his shoulders, walks half way, stops, walks half way, stop, etc., etc. Finally he stops next to it, leans over, picks up the canteen and drinks.
Archemides and the mathematician both are in shock. Archemides exclaims "but how did you do that -- it's impossible!"
Again, the engineer shrugs. "I got close enough for practical purposes!"
These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
<4th Grade>
Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise's toilet?
A: The Captain's log.
</4th Grade>
Next tie please proofread before posting.
A mechanical engineer builds weapons.
A civil engineer builds targets.
--LWM
Anyway
A group of 4 MS programmers and a group of 4 Apple programmers are going on a train to an expo. The MS programmers buy a ticket each, and then watch the Apple programmers proceed to buy one ticket between them.
The MS programmers are intrigued and when they get on the train, they watch the Apple programmers to see what they do when the guard comes to check the tickets. It turns out that, before the guard comes, they all cram into the toilet. The guard knocks on the door, and asks for the ticket. The guard takes it from under the door, and slides it back.
The MS programmers are all impressed, so on the way back, they buy only one ticket. Only to watch the Apple folks get on the train without buying a ticket at all.
When they get on the train, the MS people cram into the toilet, as they saw the Apple folks on the earlier journey. The Apple programmers then knock on the door, and say "Ticket please". The MS programmers slide the ticket under the door, as they saw the Apple programmers do earlier.
"Thank you", they say. "You steal our methods, but you don't understand them."
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
How about a math lymric? .5) / 7 + 5 * 11 == 9 ^ 2 + 0
(12 + 144 + 20 + 3 * 4 ^
Translated:
A dozen, a gross, and a score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by 7, plus 5 times 11, is nine squared, and not a bit more.
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says....... "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog."
A Houston construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Louisiana Cajun. "You gotta pass my test first", he told the applicant.
;
"Here's your first question."
"Without using numbers represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Cajun says. "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks.
"Well, tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," replies the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" !
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99!"
"All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred!"
The foreman looks at the attempt. "How in the world does this represent a hundred?"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and turd, and dat make one 'undred.
So when do I start work?"
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologist: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."
A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer are discussing God.
The MechE says, "God must be a mechanical engineer! Look at the bones and muscles of the human body! It is a marvelous machine!"
The EE says, "No! God is an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system. It is a miraculous electrical computing system!."
The CivE says, "You are both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste facility next to an entertainment complex?"
Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati
How do you put a blond into an infinite loop? Have her click the link in my sig.
"Derp de derp."
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.
...
Engineer: What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
After a short pause
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
A speech...