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What's the Best Geek Joke You Know?
super_ogg writes "To break some of the office blues, I decided to tell the worst geek joke I know: 'Why did the Comp. Engineer get X-mas and Halloween mixed up? A: Because Oct(31) == Dec(25)!' Some groaned, some laughed, but only a geek could understand it. I was wondering what are some of the best/worst geek jokes people have out there for the Slashdot community?"
Here's the best one I know. It's a bit long...but I have faith in you.
____
~ |rip/\/\aster /\/\onkey
A: None. It's a hardware problem.
Q: How do you drive an engineer crazy? A: Time him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold a map the wrong way.
"...but a talking frog is cool!"
"...if one more person enters the building, it will be empty."
"No, but I know where I am."
"Yeah, her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you, anyway."
"Unix Airlines: You walk out to the runway and they give you a box of tools and some airplane parts. The passengers form into groups and start building twelve different planes."
Have I missed anything?
What I'm listening to now on Pandora...
Ascii to ascii, Dos to Dos...
Q- Who was the first computer technician?
A- Eve. She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
Trolling is a art,
There are only 10 kinds of people in the world:
.... ha ha
... groan
Those who know binary
And those who don't
A cop pulls over Dr. Heisenburg and says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Dr. Heisenburg responds, "NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am"
Professor: What is the integral of dcabin over cabin?
Student: Log cabin
Professor: No, its a house boat! You forgot to add the C
Professor: What is the area of a circle
Student: Pi R square
Professor: Pi are not square, Pie are round
Thoughts on tech, Software Engineering, and stuff
Go here and have fun.
a recent one:
pathogen: in maths today we found out that 1+3+3+7 = 14
pathogen: so therefore 1337 = 14
pathogen: so anyone who speaks 1337 is 14
With so many ppl on
The instructions on his shampoo said: Lather, rinse, repeat.
\/\/oobie
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
Error: PANTS NOT FOUND. Press <F1> to continue.
Q: How do you spot an extroverted computer geek?
A: He stares at *your* shoes when talking to you.
Did you hear the one about the computer scientist that died in the shower? He read the shampoo instructions: Lather, Rince, Repeat.
I want to live forever, or die trying.
http://ask.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=03/02/11/10 47231&tid=133
A computer programmer was driving his Porsche down the road. He stops for a stop sign and notices a frog in the middle of the road. The frog says to the programmer 'Hey you in the car. I'm not really a frog. I used to be a beautiful princess. If you kiss me, I will turn back into a princess and in return I will give you the best night of sex you've ever had.' The computer programmer mumbles, 'sure, yeah.' He picks up the frog and then continues down the road. The frog then says, 'OK look. If you kiss me, I'll give you a whole week of incredible sex.' The programmer mumbles, 'sure, yeah.' The frog says more forcably this time, 'Look maybe you don't understand. I'm tired of being a frog. If you kiss me I'll give you the best sex you've ever had for the rest of your entire life.' Once again the programmer mumbles 'sure, yeah.' Finally the frog says, 'Well can you at least tell me why you won't kiss me?' The computer programmer says 'Well you see I'm a computer programmer and don't have much time for sex. But a talking frog is really neat.'
http://Lenny.com
A baby seal walks into a club...
From bash.org
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right
Banu
Q: What did the constipated mathematician do?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.
http://Lenny.com
For this one, you should be person B... a basic knowledge of vector operations is required.
A: "What's up?"
B: "Right Cross Forward."
For a longer joke, I like to go back to my old Applied Math days...
An airplane leaves Warsaw for London. Some crippling illness (take your pick) renders the pilot and co-pilot inoperative. The stewardess goes out among the passengers looking for anyone with flying experience to help make an emergency landing and finds two cropduster pilots.
They get up to the cockpit and get on the radio with the landing tower, who is going to help talk them down. As the instructions start coming in, however, they end up helplessly gazing across the vast expanse of lights, switches and controls in a modern passenger airplane, infinitely more complicated than their old cropduster. "I don't think we can handle this." one of says. "Why not?" asks the radio tower. "Well, you see, we're just two simple Poles in a complex plane."
Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.
The car stalled out.
The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."
The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll
replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."
The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."
They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.
The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."
A logician tells a collegue his wife just had a baby.
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- Yes.
(translated from french, but should be understandable...)
Q: How many IBM Processors does it take to execute a job?
A: Four. Three to hold it down, and one to rip it's head off.
Let epsilon<0
So a software engineer, a hardware engineer and their manager are in the car going to an expo in their rental car. To get there they must navigate a treacherous mountain road. While they are coming down a steep and narrow incline the car's brakes go out. The car starts going way too fast and they all fear this will be the end of their lives. But somehow the driver manages to not careen off the road and the manage glide to a stop once safely down the hill.
They all get out and catch their breath for a minute.
The manager is first to speak, "Well, let me get my cell phone so I can call the tow truck to take it to the garage."
The hardware engineer says, "No, no, no, just pop the hood and we can fix the problem ourselves."
The software engineer says, "Guys, just wait. Before we do anything we should take it up the hill and see if it happens again!"
Heh.
-David
There. Now go play some cool javascript games!
What do you get when you cross a cat and a dog? cat dog sin theta Why do mountain climbers never get sick? Because you can't cross a scalar[sic] with a vector
What's the Best Geek Joke You Know?
Slashdot.
You Know You've Been Hacking Too Long When...
You dial the wrong number on your phone and look for "undo". When you don't find it, you grumble about how primitive the phones are.
You complain that your alarm clock is "inflexible" and "worthless" because it can't sync with your calendar and automatically know when to wake you up.
You're looking through the videos at the public library, and you do a sudden doubletake. "Yeh, cool, I didn't know there was a video about the CPAN." Then you realize it's CSPAN archives." (This actually happened to me.)
You know more IP addresses off the top of your head than phone numbers. You know the ISO country codes for nations you can't locate on the map. You've never met most of your friends in person.
You catch yourself using computer commands as words in nontechnical conversation, such as, "Is that still under warranty? I'll have to grep the filing cabinet and see if I can find the purchase order." You arrange the contents of your (physical) desk drawers hierarchically, like a filesystem.
You've had dreams in a programming language.
You want to develop a standard for where Post-It sticky notes should be attached relative to the contents of a document, so that the results can be wellformed and easy to parse.
Cut that out, or I will ship you to Norilsk in a box.
0: Type of people that understand binary
1: Type that doesnt
10: Type of person that realising you start counting from 0.
Pain lasts, kid. Its how you know you're alive. Sometimes I think this growing up thing is just pain management-TheMaxx
http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink =1328489
FARK.com: (1328489) "Lord of the Rings" filmmakers partied after winning 11 Oscars, but chose a fan club to party in. Shows how effective a Tolkien ring network can be
I once saw a beetle with a license plate that read "FEATURE." ;)
Three foreigners: a businessman, physicist, and mathematician, are talking about the country they're all visiting for the first time.
Suddenly, the businessman points out the window in surprise. "Look at that! The sheep in Scotland are black!"
Amused at how readily his new friend jumps to conclusions, the physicist corrects him: "No, all we can be certain of is that some of the sheep in Scotland are black."
The mathematician looks out the window himself, and corrects the both of them: "We know there exists a sheep in Scotland which is black on at least one side."
A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are staying in a hotel. Outside their rooms, a fire erupts.
The physicist steps outside to see the fire along with a bucket and water spigot. He simply fills the bucket with water and pours it on the flames until they go out then returns to bed.
The engineer steps outside to see the fire along with the bucket and water spigot. He meticulously calculates the amount of water needed and the rate of flow to most efficiently and effectively put out the fire. After a few minutes and a couple tests, the fire is extinguished.
The mathematician steps outside and sees the fire. He also notices the bucket and water spigot and exclaims "Their exists a solution" and returns to bed.
All jokes from here.
Spin: arrrr, pirates of the south west
Spin: thar be large pipes o'bandwith near ye'ol univarsety.
Pirate: yearg, ye may be an ta somethan thar.
Spin: what say ye we pull yonder USB hard disk longside yonder NMSU puter and begin tha lutin and plunderin.
Pirate: yearg. The master done gaved me a testin machine with a grand ol CDR.
Pirate: Avast!
Pirate: MP3s off the starboard bow!
Spin: stere clear of ye porn pop ups rollin in from tha east.
Pirate: I have mah trusty Opera browsa to help me fend em off.
Spin: encrypt the data holds, batton down thar security patches, argh thar be spyware abound.
MortalKombat> stfu mat|t u cu.nt
* Acaila sets mode: +b MortalKombat!*@*
@Acaila> FINISH HIM
mat|t> rofl
MortalKombat> omg wtf man
* MortalKombat was kicked by Acaila (forward, forward, back, back, forward, punch)
@Acaila> FATALITY!
Ich: I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood
Ich: I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040.
Ich: and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong.
Ich: and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
Ich: and I actually laughed out loud
WallJam7: roses are red
WallJam7: violets are blue
WallJam7: all of my base
WallJam7: are belong to you
Firefly: Time for my prayers:
Firefly: Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
Firefly: May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
Firefly: May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
Firefly: Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
Firefly: And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
Firefly: Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
Firefly: For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.
With so many ppl on
Q: How do I know what is the "truth"? A: You Kant!
Q: Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
A: To go where no man has gone before.
SOURCE: A nine-year-old kid calling into the Howard Stern show. Go figure.
$_='A doctor, a lawyer, and a mathematician were having a conversation about the relative benefits of wives and mistresses.
The doctor insisted that, from a health perspective, it was far better to have a wife. He talked about stress, relaxation, routine, and other factors.
The lawyer contended that it was better to have a mistress, because that way you retain more of your legal rights, she doesn't own half your property, and so forth.
The mathematician said that he could see both sides of that argument, but really he thought it was best to have both.
"Both?", the doctor and the lawyer exclaimed. "Why?"
"Sure, both. That way, when the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with the wife, you can sneak off by yourself and do mathematics."
'; print; s/mathematician/computer geek/; s/mathematics/programming/; print;
Cut that out, or I will ship you to Norilsk in a box.
"What's wrong?" asks e^x.
"There's a Differential Operator in town!" yells x^2. "If I run into him too many times, I'll disappear!"
"Don't worry," responds e^x. "I'll go have a chat with him. No, don't worry about me -- he can't hurt me. After all, I'm e^x."
So e^x walks down the street to the Differential Operator. "My friend tells me you're a Differential Operator," e^x says pompously. "Well, I'm e^x."
"Pleased to meet you, e^x," says the Differential Operator. "I'm d/dt."
All of a sudden, they stumble upon Archemides with a canteen full of water! Archemides says "One of you can have this canteen and you'll live, but only if you walk half way to it, stop, walk half way to it, etc., etc.
The mathematic, in anquish, lays his head in his arm and start to cry. "It can't be done" he rages.
The engineer looks at the mathematician in disgust, shrugs his shoulders, walks half way, stops, walks half way, stop, etc., etc. Finally he stops next to it, leans over, picks up the canteen and drinks.
Archemides and the mathematician both are in shock. Archemides exclaims "but how did you do that -- it's impossible!"
Again, the engineer shrugs. "I got close enough for practical purposes!"
A newly appointed cryptographer attends a lunch meeting with his peers, who are going around a circle telling jokes. One of the cryptographers shouts "12", and everyone starts laughing. Another person shouts "34", which is received with more laughter. The new cryptographer asks one of the people "why is everyone laughing?" to which he responds "instead of taking the time to tell the whole joke, we just assign each joke a number and instead say that number". When it's the new cryptographers turn, he says "-22", to which everyone bursts in laughter. One of them shouts, "i haven't heard that one before!"
Damn. I know some of these.
"...but a talking frog is cool!"
As I heard it: An engineer is walking down the road one day, and, seeing a frong on the side of the road, bends down to look at it. Suddenly, it pipes up and talks to him!
"I may look like a frog now, but I'm really a princess - if you kiss me, I'll turn back into my real self!"
The engineer smiles, picks up the frog, puts it in his (pocket protected) shirt pocket and goes on to the lab.
When he gets to the lab, he puts the frog down to get some work done, and she opens her mouth to speak:
"I tell you, I'm a beautiful princess! If you kiss me, I'll turn back, and I'll do anything you want!"
The engineer smiles, and goes on with is work. After he's done, he picks the frog up. She again starts talking to him:
"Look, I'm a princess turned into a frog! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful woman. I'll do whatever you want! And I'll stay with you forever!"
The engineer peers at the frog, smiles, and tucks it back in his pocket for the walk home. When he gets there, he pulls her out, and she nearly screams at him:
"WHAT THE HELLS THE MATTER WITH YOU? Here I am, I'm a beautiful princess, I'll do whatever you want, and I'll stay with you forever! Why won't you kiss me??"
The engineer says, "Well, I don't have time for a girlfriend,..."
--LWM
An engineer is walking down the street, and sees another guy from his lab walking along with a new bright red motorcycle. He's impressed, especially since his friend doesn't know how to ride a motorcycle, so he goes up and asks, "Wow, where'd you get that?"
His friend explains, "Well, I walk walking along, and this gorgeous blond drives up on the motorcycle, stops in front of me, strips her clothes off and tells me, 'Take what you want!'"
The engineer nods in understanding. "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
--LWM
Q: Let's say only you and dead people can read hex. If you teach your buddy how to read hex also, what do you all have in common?
A: You are all deaf.
These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
A mechanical engineer builds weapons.
A civil engineer builds targets.
--LWM
A group of computer science students and computer engineering students are riding on a train to the same conference. the engineering students all have tickets, but notice that the CS majors only have 1 ticket between them. suddenly, the CS student who is serving as a lookout yells, "conductor!" and all the CS studens pile into the bathroom. the conductor goes to the bathroom, knocks, and says, "Ticket please!" The students then slide their ticket under the door and the conductor leaves.
Impressed, the CE majors say, "that's a great idea!" On the return trip from the confrence, the CE majors have only one ticket, and notice, to their confusion, that now the CS majors have no ticket at all. The CS student lookout then yelled, "conductor!" and both set of students each piled into one of the bathrooms in the train. Before the conductor came on the train, one of the CS majors slipped from his bathroom, walked up to the door of the other bathroom, knocked, and said, "Ticket please!"
multifariam.net -- yet another nerd blog
Anyway
A group of 4 MS programmers and a group of 4 Apple programmers are going on a train to an expo. The MS programmers buy a ticket each, and then watch the Apple programmers proceed to buy one ticket between them.
The MS programmers are intrigued and when they get on the train, they watch the Apple programmers to see what they do when the guard comes to check the tickets. It turns out that, before the guard comes, they all cram into the toilet. The guard knocks on the door, and asks for the ticket. The guard takes it from under the door, and slides it back.
The MS programmers are all impressed, so on the way back, they buy only one ticket. Only to watch the Apple folks get on the train without buying a ticket at all.
When they get on the train, the MS people cram into the toilet, as they saw the Apple folks on the earlier journey. The Apple programmers then knock on the door, and say "Ticket please". The MS programmers slide the ticket under the door, as they saw the Apple programmers do earlier.
"Thank you", they say. "You steal our methods, but you don't understand them."
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
My first real job was a lousy tech support job at the local computer store. I had a customer that swore up and down I was the reason her new computer didn't work and wanted to store to build her a completely new machine at no cost. Reloading the software on her machine wasn't good enough, she wanted a newer one.
Since I wouldn't jump right up and do this, she went to the store manager and yelled at him for about an hour. After which I got called into the office so he could chew me out. He got a good start at it, and after about 10 minutes, he asked me why I did what I did.
My reply was "There is a difference between bending over backwards for the customer and bending over forwards."
The manager turned bright red, pointed at the door, and as soon as I made it out of the office he laughed for about 20 minutes. And I never heard another word about the incident.
An engineer told me his favorite engineer joke:
One day, and engineer comes up to the gates of hell. The Devil takes a look at him and says, "Well, we've never had an engineer in hell before, but I guess we can take you in." So the engineer goes in.
After a few days, he comes up to the Devil and says, "I'm sure you've noticed, but it's really hot down here! What do you think of setting up a couple of refrigeration coils, getting an icebox set up so we could have iced drinks down here?" Now, the Devil hears this and says, "Why not? If you can set it up, go for it!"
So the engineer gets some tools together, works for a little bit, and sets up his little icecube maker, and soon the engineer, the Devil, and everyone else is enjoying ice cubes in their drinks, and everyone thinks it's a great improvement.
Couple of days later, the engineer comes back to the Devil and says, "Well, I'm impressed by how big Hell is - there are so many people here! But it takes so long to get from place to place - how about I install some people-movers? I can put in escalaters, elevators, moving ramps, the works!" The Devil takes a sip of his ice marguarita, and says, "Sure, give it a shot."
As the engineer works, the souls in Hell start getting around easier - there are elevators, escalators, all sorts of people-movers! It gets to be quite convenient to get around Hell.
After that project, the engineer comes up to the Devil and says, "I've been thinking about tackling the heat down here - ice drinks are all well and good, but it's still bloody hot! How about it?" The Devil at this point returns, "Anything you need, you got it!"
Two weeks later, the first stage of the cooling system goes on-line, and all the damned souls breath a sigh of relief as the heat wave finally breaks. At this point, God comes down to talk to the Devil, and tells him there's been a mistake: "That engineer you've got doesn't belong in Hell - he was meant for Heaven!"
Now, the Devil wasn't about to let his first engineer go! He returns, "Oh, come on - once he's in those gates, he's Mine! That's the way it works, and you know it!"
God tells him, "Well, you're just gonna have to return him! If you don't, I'll, I'll - I'll sue you, is what I'll do!"
The Devil knows he's won - he leans back, cocky as all hell, and asks, "Now, where you gonna find a Lawyer in Heaven?"
The best part about this joke is that it's not really an engineer joke, but really a lawyer joke.
--LWM
co
mv
mount
touch
unzip
finger
fsck
yes
yes
umount girl
zip
sleep
or...
Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
=Smidge=
I was in a bus that had to be rebooted.
I was taking a Peter Pan bus from Baltimore down South, and we were watching an in-bus movie (Yay Peter Pan!), when all of a sudden... The bus driver turned off the movie, pulled over to the side of the interstate, and announced over the PA that he had to reboot the bus. He then turned off the engine, and we sat there for 2 minutes. After that, he turned it back on, restarted the movie, and we were on our way.
So...yeah, it can work for buses, at least.
--LWM
A big red sign saying, "If this sign is blue you're going too fast".
Two mathematicians are in a bar. One argues that commoners know nothing of mathematics these days. The other disagrees, whereupon the first challenges him to find someone in the bar who can answer a simple calculus question. The second agrees then excuses himself to go to the toilet. On his way there, he orders some more drinks from a pretty blonde waitress, and tells her there's a handsome tip in it if she'll do him a quick favour
"Look, when you deliver the drink I'm going to ask you a question and I'd like you to answer 'one third x cubed'"
"... one thirdux cube? huh?"
"Yeah sure, that'll do"
So anyway, the mathematician returns to his friend, the drink is delivered and he asks the waitress "Now my dear, do you know what the integral of x squared dx is?"
She gives him a funny look and says "Uh, one third x cubed", then begins to walk off.
"Thank you". He then turns to his companion and says "See, told you!". At which point the waitress turns around and adds "Oh, plus a constant of integration".
How about a math lymric? .5) / 7 + 5 * 11 == 9 ^ 2 + 0
(12 + 144 + 20 + 3 * 4 ^
Translated:
A dozen, a gross, and a score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by 7, plus 5 times 11, is nine squared, and not a bit more.
How do you recognize a field service engineer on the side of the road with a flat tire? ...
...
He's changing each tire to see which one is flat.
And the related problem:
How do you recognize a field service engineer on the side of the road who has run out of gas?
He's changing each tire to see which one is flat.
Assembly is the reverse of disassembly.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?
A: Elephant-banana-sine-theta in a direction perpendicular to both the elephant and the banana according to the right-hand rule.
Q: What do you get when you cross an mountain climber and a banana.
A: You can't. A mountain climber is a scalar.
Q: What's a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
Everyone is entitled to his own opinions, but not his own facts.
There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
the squaws of the other two hides.
There was a programmer named Gus
Who spent all his nights in a fuss.
As he lay in his bed
All that went through his head
Was (while !asleep()) sheep++;
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says....... "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog."
A Houston construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Louisiana Cajun. "You gotta pass my test first", he told the applicant.
;
"Here's your first question."
"Without using numbers represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Cajun says. "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks.
"Well, tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," replies the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" !
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99!"
"All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred!"
The foreman looks at the attempt. "How in the world does this represent a hundred?"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and turd, and dat make one 'undred.
So when do I start work?"
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one year." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Incidently, the toilet paper holders in Engineering at Adelaide Uni are all enscribed, "Pull here for an Arts Degree - Wipe for honours."
In Soviet Russia the insensitive clod is YOU!
It's not an engineer, scientist, or programmer joke, but a doctor is close enough:
A gynecologist decided one day that he wanted to get out of medicine and try his hand as a mechanic. He went to classes at the local VoTech to get certified, and at the end of the course, he's given his final exam. The instructor tells the class that he'll mail them the following week with the results.
A week goes by, and the former gynecologist gets his results. Astonished that he received 50 points of extra credit on a 100 point test, he decides to call up his instructor and ask what happened.
When he gets him on the phone and asks, the instructor told him this:
"The first part of the test was to dismantle and label all parts of the car engine. You got a perfect score on that for 50 points. The second part of the test was to reassemble all the parts and have the engine work as a whole. Yours ran the smoothest in the class, so you got all 50 points for that. I gave you the extra 50 points because you did the whole thing through the muffler."
*slight crashing sound*
"A: Turdulence."
Uh huh.
I remember watching Channel 1 back in high school. For those who don't know what Channel 1 is, it's a news station for schools around the USA. Just before a commercial break, they'd ask a question and pop up the answer when it returned.
One day, they asked: "Q. What is the most common cause of plane crashes?"
Without thinking, I excited blurted out "Gravity!" Turns out, the answer was "Human Error". I learned a lesson about that on the way to the principal's office.
"Derp de derp."
A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer are discussing God.
The MechE says, "God must be a mechanical engineer! Look at the bones and muscles of the human body! It is a marvelous machine!"
The EE says, "No! God is an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system. It is a miraculous electrical computing system!."
The CivE says, "You are both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste facility next to an entertainment complex?"
Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati
I had a coworker who would put little animations of erecting and ejaculating penises in many of our apps. You'd click on a menu for the fifth time within a 20 minute span, and up popped the animation. Yep, you guessed it. The penis would become hard, and then it would squirt the sperm!
One time he forgot to take out the animation from some software we had to present to librarians during a librarian's conference. Indeed, nothing was as funny as seeing hundreds of librarians cringe at the sight of such infantile humor.
Cyric Zndovzny at your service.
How do you put a blond into an infinite loop? Have her click the link in my sig.
"Derp de derp."
A mosquito cried out in pain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro-
diphenyltrichloroethane
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.
...
Engineer: What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
After a short pause
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
A speech...
I don't think this is a repost, like most involving cars, poles, and just about anything else.
In Solviet Russia, your favorite jokes post you.
Electrons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
And of course the classic ID 10 T user error.
lol: You see no door there!
The physicist is showing his friend the programmer a thermos.
"You see, you can put a hot drink inside, and then take it with you. It doesn't matter how cold it gets outside; when you pour the drink out it's still hot!"
The programmer is quite impressed.
The physicist continues, "Or you can put a cold drink inside, and then take it with you. It doesn't matter how hot it gets outside; when you pour the drink out it's still cold!"
Now the programmer is really dumbfounded.
He asks, "But how does it know?"
Four geeks are walking on a beach...
They are enjoying their day out when they see a crowd of people crouching around a woman who is lying motionless on the sand. Their geek-curiosity is instantly aroused, and they jog over to investigate.
"What's up?", the med student asks.
"She got caught in the undertow, looks like she's drowned good", one of the crowd answers.
"I think I see a pulse in her temple!" cries the med student, "Quickly, men! Determined action may save her yet!"
The physicist takes off his backpack and from it produces his trusty supersoaker. It is the work of a few seconds to fashion it into an effective water pump.
"With this we can empty her lungs of water in no time!", cried the physicist.
The team set to work, and apply the device to her mouth, with the med student and physicist pumping away.
"Keep going men!", the med student encouraged his friends "I think we're winning!".
Minutes pass. Water continues to be pumped from the woman, mixed with sand, shells and candy wrappers.
"Remarkable" says the mathematician. By my calculations, they have removed enough water from that woman to fill a cylinder six feet long and two feet in diameter. Most remarkable!".
More minutes pass, and water is still being pumped from the woman.
The med student is beginning to get disheartened: "I'm afraid we're losing her, fellas. She seems to contain more water than I ever thought possible. What time is it - for the records?".
The Engineer shakes his head and finally speaks: "Just move her over there," he says indicating a patch of sand about ten feet yonder "and keep pumping".
His colleagues are astounded by the audacity of this suggestion. "How can that affect the amount of water in her body?", asked the med student a touch tetchily.
"Because she's sitting in a puddle , dumbass", replied the engineer.
T&K. Finally the engineer speaks "
Political language
Halley's Comment
A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The bartender serves the byte and asks "What's wrong?"
The byte replies "Parity error."
The bartender nods and says: "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."
(original bash.org quote here)
Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Poll however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored these conditions on the ground that they were unnecessary, and made her way amongst the complex elements.
Rows and columns enveloped her on both sides. Tangents approached her surface; she became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself alone, apparently in a non-Euclidian space.
She was being watched however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear co-ordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate at once.
Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned round and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
"Eureka" she gasped.
"Ho Ho" he said, "what a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you're absolutely bubbling over with secs."
"Oh Sir", she protested, "keep away from me, I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary."
"i,i," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous then."
"What order are you," the brute demanded.
"Seventeen", replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet", he said.
"Of course no," Polly exclaimed indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent".
"Come, come," said Curly, "lets off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit".
"Never" gasped Polly.
"EXCHLF" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He started at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly, all was up. She felt his digit tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence was gone for ever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a Heavyside operator. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way round and did a contour integration. What an indignity. To be multiply connected at her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that evening her mother noticed that she was truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally, she generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction.
The moral of the story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.
Play nethack and say your pushing packets manually...
"So, Werner, two trains are heading toward each other. One is travelling at 60 kilometers per hour, and the other at 40 kph. A bird starts at one train, flies to the other at 120kph, and as soon as it reaches the other train it instantly reverses course back to the original train. It continues to do this until the trains meet. If the trains start out 100 kilometers apart, what is the total distance covered by the bird?"
(answer in reply to this comment)
Hesenberg instantly replies, "120 kilometers!"
"Drat!" says the questioner, "I bet you'd solve it the hard way!"
"Ah! There's an easy way!" cries Heisenberg.
PHEM - party like it's 1997-2003!
So, two atoms are walking down a road together. One atom says to the other, "Hey, I think I've lost an electron!" The other atom asks, "Are you sure?" The first atom responds, "Yes, I'm positive!"
I did not become a vegetarian for my health, I did it for the health of the chickens. --Isaac Bashevis Singer
"Have another, sir?" says the barkeep "I think not" says Descartes, and disappears