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Movies in Fifteen Minutes
Luckily, a publisher agreed and contacted her about a print version of the online format. The result is a dense 400 pages of fan-service satire covering the last ten years of movies. Films covered in the book include Jurassic Park, Braveheart, Independence Day, Titanic, The Matrix, Gladiator, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Spider-Man, Attack of the Clones, and the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. For those of you already saying "This book is crap, I thought Will Smith's performance in Independence Day was extremely moving", relax. While the book is satire, and the obvious flaws in the film's plot are laughed at, the author is a fan first and foremost. She treats even Jeff Goldblum's grumpy chaotician in Jurassic Park with the respect of someone who knows her audience very well. You can laugh at a film without hating it.
And laugh you will. M15M synopses are fast-paced tears through the boring bits, glossing over all that wordy tension building background stuff with a well placed "OMG" to get to the really good parts. From Gladiator:
"MAXIMUS: Forget this - I'm going home, where I have a wife and son.
LUCILLA: I'm be going to Rome, where I have a son and a dead husband.
[They exchange smouldering glances.]
MAXIMUS: So, have we established that we once had a thing, but we now both have children, the ultimate bittersweet evidence of us having done it with other people?
LUCILLA: Yeah, I think so.
MAXIMUS: Awesome. See you around."
Every movie is a self-contained world of straightforward dialogue that cuts to the bone of a scene while still evoking the spirit of the situation. The jokes are funny, to be sure, but the book is also well written. Comedy is hard, and ensuring the synopses were peppered with references to literature and film, emoting objects, and subtle fan poking while also making sure the movies made sense must have been a challenge. The bare bones of characters are usually established within a few pages by self-referential dialogue, and while you may have to suffer through an entire paragraph of actual exposition it's unlikely that will go on for long. From Philosopher's Stone:
"HAGRID: You ought not to meddle in these things!
HARRY: But we're the stars of the movie! That's what we do!
HAGRID: Well, you three can stop that right now! We've gotten along just fine without a plot so far, hain't we? Just lots of nice episodes about young Harry's adventures at wizard school! Don't see no reason why we've got to go introducing a plot now, of all things, so you just keep to yourselves and don't ask no questions about Nicholas Flemel, hear?"
Not content just to use obvious humor, there are several running gags and real-world intrusions throughout the book as well. The Third Age Limbo competition, for example, is well attended by several characters during the course of the book (Neo wins), and Padme's handmaiden Rose is seen at one point bargaining with George Lucas to be allowed into a certain leather skirt movie with a naked Brad Pitt. Cleolinda's understanding of pop culture on the whole is impressive, and despite the already stale nature of some of the movies in the book the humor she uses manages to have a sort of timeless quality to it. In ten years references to the movies themselves may no longer be common, but the book's humor manages to stand on its own. Brittany Spears, George W. Bush, and Martha Stewart are nowhere to be found within the pages of the book, ensuring that despite its pop culture roots it won't be incomprehensible after a few years on the shelf. From The Matrix:
"The Matrix: The Text AdventureM15M is the kind of book ideally suited to reading in spurts. It's not a great work of our time, and it doesn't pretend to be. This book is a read-before-bed treasure, a fine companion for a long plane ride, or a great reason to get yourself into the sun on a vacation beach. In the end, it is a dozen mostly self-contained novellas with familiar characters and snarky commentary on the often nonsensical decisions made in moviemaking. It's wittily written, with a fast cadence and intelligent voice. It's quite hard to convey comedic timing in print form, but M15M manages to live up to the best stand up acts with copious ellipses and enthusiastic asterisk. Movies in Fifteen Minutes is an Internet version of 'local girl does good', and the result is a testament to what you can do with some spare time and a sarcastic attitude. Even though it will be out in the states early next year, and you can read her online works for free, M15M is well worth the couple of pounds to have the book shipped across the pond.MORPHEUS: Go Down The Hall.
NEO: There's an office at the end of the hall!
MORPHEUS: Go There.
NEO: I am there.
MORPHEUS: Go In It.
NEO: Sorry, I don't understand that.
MORPHEUS: GO INTO THE OFFICE.
NEO: ...
MORPHEUS: OPEN THE DOOR AND GO INTO THE OFFICE.
NEO: Oh, okay.
MORPHEUS: God, I Hate Text RPGS."
From Jurassic Park:
"ELLIE: We have to reboot the system before we can call for help! Unfortunately, I'm just a botanist who can barely understand the concept of 'chaos' -
GRANT: And we've got a raptor at the door!
ELLIE: I'm coming to help you hold the door!
GRANT: But who will reboot the door locks? WHO, I ASK YOU??
LEX'S SHINING MOMENT: *arrives*
LEX: Hey! I can totally manoeuvre this system you call 'Unix', because I am a 'hacker'!"
You can purchase Movies in Fifteen Minutes from Amazon.co.uk. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.
Zonk: We've posted this before, right?
Taco: Umm, actuatlly, not yet.
Roland: I've got $15 that says you will!
Taco: We don't usually dupe book reviews, only NYT articles on cellphones.
Zonk: Yeah, even Netcraft confirms it.
Ackbar: It's a DUPE!
All: Hey, what's he doing here? It's not Fark, it's Slashdot! (Cliches for nerds. As if that matters.)
You may like the movies in 30 seconds done by Angry Alien. These are 30 second movie reenactments of popular movies done by bunnies. Quite entertaining.
Things you think are in the Constitution, but are not.
Will this be fifteen minutes of fame and at the end you can't remember a thing?
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
Reminds me of a page that doesn't appear to be around anymore -- band-a-minute. I did come across this partial(?) listing of the contents of that page. It obviously means nothing if you're not familiar with the 90s-oughts indierock scene...My favorite from there: "Behold! The future of music: BOAT ROCK!!!" Oh how true that is...
Be a real patriot: Question authority. Think for yourself. Formulate your own conclusions.
If you need your movies reduced to 15 minutes either you are working way too hard or you need your ADD medication increased!
Like many favorites of Slashdot readers... humor only a Brit (or wannabe Brit) could love.
I prefer 5 minutes. http://www.fiveminute.net/ I think this is the site with the really funny "5 minute Star Trek Voyager" write-ups. Has some movies too.
You've never met my relatives.
We have some scary types here at the Desperation compound. The weird, seedy web sites are some of the few things that keeps them settled and relatively under control.
Is there any new material in the book? or is it just a compilation of the posts from the livejournal?
"In the game of life, someone always has to lose. To me, if life were fair, that someone would always be Oklahoma." -DKR
Well, if you liked that, then I have to reccommend a related site, FiveMinute.Net. It is also a related parody site, where movies, Star Trek, Science Fiction, and all sorts of shows are compressed into a Five-Minute format, very much like the site mentioned in the news article. However, there's all sorts of extras, and it covers 100's of episodes, series, and movies!
FiveMinute.Net truly is hilarous, and has been around since June 2000. Check it out!
"Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write it should be hard to understand."
Dr.Thompson: Windows is teh greatest! ...
Rest of world: Dude, wake up. *nix. *Hint, hint. Nod, nod.*
Dr.Thompson: STFU. My linadmins, they be failin.
Rest of world: Dude. glibc. Neva touch 'tha source' if you not knowing!
Dr.Thompson: OMG, you teh stupidest...
Rest of world: Whatever. Buy the way, nice pictures with the legos in your 'My Documents" folder. Kinky...
Dr.Thompson:
Like the Book-A-Minute, only fifteen times longer:
Book-a-Minute
My fave was always their '1-minute' summary of Gravity's Rainbow.
Gravity's Rainbow
By Thomas Pynchon
Ultra-Condensed by Glenn Davis
Thomas Pynchon
A screaming thing comes across the sky. It's a V-2 rocket carrying twelve thousand pounds of symbolism, and it's coming down on your poor, deluded, postmodern head.
THE END
I don't see many books on Slashdot that I'd actually buy, but this one looks to be a little ammusing. Kind of reminds me of some uncyclopedia articles.
Earn a % of cash back from Newegg, Tiger Direct, Walmart.com, and more: http://www.mrrebates.com?refid=458505
Sounds like slashdot with all the stigma attached...... ;-P
Four Word Film Review
http://www.fwfr.com/
Anyone remember this site: http://ter.air0day.com/
Same idea, but the scripts are actually funny.
Looks interesting, but I'm still waiting for The Filthy Critic's book to come out. Once you get past the foul language, shit references, allusions to Candy Bottoms porno flicks, and potshots at "Hollywood grassfuckers", he's actually a very sound critic.
Unfortunately only available in the U.K. and Australia as far as I can tell; not available in North America yet. From the website, the author says it will be soon.
I was hoping the Troy in 15 Minutes post would be included.
Also, for Lost fans, the author had a great series of episode recaps last season. I hadn't been back to see if she kept them up this year, which is why this is the first I've heard of the book.
They really know Slashdot.
They tried to do '15 Minutes' in 15 minutes, but it seemed like just a waste of time.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0179626/
He who knows best knows how little he knows. - Thomas Jefferson
The Editing Room has been around since 1997, and it rules. Some of the scripts are simply awesome and hilarious.
Cleolinda's understanding of pop culture on the whole is impressive
Whaaaaa...? Isn't that, like, an oxymoron? Someone's understanding of Ancient Greek authors can be impressive, Assyrian courtship rituals maybe, Vietnamese astrology, sure. Good Pennsylvanian wines, absolutely. But isn't pop culture by its very nature, not something which one may have an impressive grasp upon. Or something?
(By the way, the subject line is from a first season episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If you didn't catch that, time to bone up on the Assyrian courtship rites...)
One of the local radio stations just did a one-minute abridged version of Arlo Guthrie's "Alice's Restaurant". It was just about perfect, except that they cut out the part about the 8x10 color glossies.
the growth in cynicism and rebellion has not been without cause
But isn't pop culture by its very nature, not something which one may have an impressive grasp upon.
No.
We swim in pop culture (by its very nature, yes) but that doesn't mean we necessarily understand it. People who do understand it -- which is a necessary part of being able to satirize it well -- can be quite impressive in their knowledge.
Anyway, ancient Greek authors weren't always "ancient," if you see what I mean. Sophocles was the pop culture of his day. I'd say that being able to understand the culture you actually live in takes just as much work as understanding one that's now frozen in time.
The correlation between ignorance of statistics and using "correlation is not causation" as an argument is close to 1.
ODYSSEUS: Hey, man, what up?
ACHILLES: Nothin' much [dodge, parry, stab]. Just teaching Patroclus [dodge, parry, dodge] to fight [stab].
ODYSSEUS: Lookin' good there, kid. What is he, your--
ACHILLES: Cousin. He's my cousin. Cousin. Totally my cousin. In conclusion: Cousin.
Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?
Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.
Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs.
Ted: Right. Yes. OK, alright. I see where you're going.
Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?
Ted: I would go for the 7.
Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.
Ted: You guarantee it? That's - how do you do that?
Hitchhiker: If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B".
Ted: That's right. That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?
Hitchhiker convulses
Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted: That - good point.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Ted: Why?
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!
Nothing beats the Filthy Critic!
Are you...Are you some kind of genius?
No, ma'am, I'm just a regular Slashdot reader.
Wasn't he hit by a car as he rode his bike home from a bar late one night a few years ago?
Evil Overlord Rule #86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
For the ultra-condensed, try out Book-A-Minute SF/F.
One minute per book is quite efficient! It's been around since 1997, and if anything, it improves with age!
unless you're an uberdork I guess. and I'm not dorky enough for that..
Good thing the movies are 15 minutes, because that is about how long her fame is going to last.
I want to go on record as saying Cleolinda Jones is a goddess of the written word.
I know, deep inside me, there's a Linux nut just waiting to be let out.
http://www.astonishingtales.com/
Read her LJ for a taste, or to hold you over til it comes out in the US. I'm considering ordering the book from amazon.co.uk to give my sis for Christmas, international shipping be damned.
Warning: Apple/Nintendo fangirl. Likes her electronics cute & cuddly. May be rabid.
Fight Frist Psoting!
Browse Slashdot with 'Newest First'!
"For every respectable site, there are three or four seedy places that you wouldn't want to be seen surfing by relatives." ... Yet you still visit everyday.
I've just spent the better part of my afternoon looking at the author's website and other writings. I'm so buying this book when it comes to the USA.
I don't know about you, but my servers run on the power of cotton candy and happy thoughts. -Anonymous Coward
Very useful for buying books only available in the UK
Way to not link to the LJ in the summary. Sure, it's there in the book review, but this is slashdot, dammit: if we don't read the articles, we certainly shouldn't have to read the book reviews.
Telltale Games: Bone, Sam and Max
Woooosh!
There is a hilarious short film of Stoppard's "15 Minute Hamlet". It airs from time to time on Bravo. Interesingly, it was filmed near continuously with only three cuts in the main play. This makes for good laughs when the actors goof up while transforming the set. The ending has an even funnier 30-second Hamlet (Shakespeare's patron thought the 15-minute version was too long). I wish I could get it on DVD.
I am becoming gerund, destroyer of verbs.
I remeber reading even shorter summaries, they were mostly just a few sentences or lines. Somehow the only one I memorized is from Titanic, it went something like
"Never let go"
#lets go.
Anybody knows what I'm talking about?
GNAA Mourns the Death of l0de and the l0de Radio Hour.
Impi - Political Correspondent, South Africa.
Pentagon documents leaked to covert GNAA agents working for the CIA provided proof that a deliberate plot against renowned shock jock l0de was put into effect to eliminate him. The recent sacking of CIA director Tenant, who was used as a scapegoat, to cover up the great lie perpetrated by the pentagon, against the American people to justify the war against Iraq, prompted disgruntled CIA agents to leak the document.
It was revealed that technology that was developed and refined from the research of alien artifacts from Area 51 was used to create Hurricane Katrina. Similar technology was used against Turkey and Iran when they displeased the Pentagon. Earthquakes were the preferred Weapon of Mass Destruction against those Sovereign states. Hurricane Katrina was then directed towards New Orleans in an attempt to assassinate l0de. The attempt failed.
Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld was believed to be infuriated at this failed attempt as he has been a target of LRH in the past. He ordered that all aid and military convoys be delayed for as long as possible so that Delta Strike Teams could be dispatched to New Orleans. Five Delta Force assassination squads were disguised as "Cracked up Gangsta Niggahs" and sent in to finish the job.
The Pentagon underestimated the loyalty of the Negro Population in New Orleans. The once divided crack selling factions banded together in defense of l0de and decimated the Delta Force assassination squads. Pentagon moles informed l0de via Jap sponsored satellite phones that President Bush, on orders from his mother, Barbara Bush, instructed FEMA to delay relief aid to punish the Negro Population for their defense of l0de.
l0de, dying of AIDS anyway, promptly committed suicide in a bid to save the remaining traumatized population. His death, thankfully, signifies the death of LRH, they both will be missed.
About Area 51
Area 51 is a NOT SO Top Secret American Military Installation. Operation Karate Rain Urchin, which was created to assassinate l0de, was hatched and conceived here using weather manipulation technology which was retrieved from the Roswell crash site in 1947. Incidentally, Karate Rain Urchin is an anagram for Hurricane Katrina, coincidence?
The GNAA does not think so.
About l0de Radio Hour
Dead.
About l0de
http://www.instantlobotomy.com/.
About GNAA:
GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) is the first organization which gathers GAY NIGGERS from all over America and abroad for one common goal - being GAY NIGGERS.
Are you GAY ?
Are you a NIGGER ?
Are you a GAY NIGGER ?
If you answered "Yes" to all of the above questions, then GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) might be exactly what you've been looking for!
Join GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) today, and enjoy all the benefits of being a full-time GNAA member.
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Can Firefox users and Opera users agree on anything?
That IE sucks? tt
Cleo's M15M are hysterical. I've been keeping up with her journal for a while now. By far the funniest, in my opinion, is her rendition of Phantom of the Opera. My husband and I will randomly throw out lines from that and crack each other up. And her Lost recaps... to die for. OMGWTFPOLARBEAR!?