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Star Wars Virgin Takes the Plunge

Posted by ScuttleMonkey on from the losin-it dept.

Entertainment Weekly is running a short account of one Star Wars virgin who recently sat down to watch all six Star Wars movies in their originally intended order while recording his thoughts. From the article: "So after watching the sun set on all six of the Star Wars (or sun rise, in my case), what do these movies mean to me? I have to be careful where I tread here, because people's love of these movies is passionate to say the least. (Personal note: My friends had a Star Wars-themed wedding.) The cynical and tired side of me wants to say that George wanted Episode I to be shown first because after watching 14 straight hours of Star Wars, my memories of young Anakin and Jar Jar are almost long forgotten. I've tossed them aside along with my package of caffeine pills and bottle of Coke."

42 of 397 comments (clear)

  1. Anyone... by -kertrats- · · Score: 5, Funny

    Anyone who would watch 6 consecutive Star Wars movies should be considered a virgin by default.

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    The Braying and Neighing of Barnyard Animals Follows.
    1. Re:Anyone... by Godboy_g · · Score: 2, Funny

      He must be very strong in the Force......Or the Caffeine!

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    2. Re:Anyone... by heinousjay · · Score: 5, Funny

      good

      I don't think that word means what you think it means.

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      Slashdot - where whining about luck is the new way to make the world you want.
    3. Re:Anyone... by Ninjaesque+One · · Score: 2, Funny

      This raises interesting theological questions. If one has sex, conceives then watches all 6 Star Wars movies(or, rather, is forced to watch them) in a row, then is the [possibly-resultant, as there is the chance that the simple act will automatically kill the baby]baby the second(or first, depending on your beliefs) incarnation of the Christ?

      --
      Ninjas and pirates. How piquant.
    4. Re:Anyone... by Chris+Burke · · Score: 4, Funny

      Of course it doesn't automatically mean that...

      It's like the mathematical axioms -- we assume them to be true, simply because we haven't found any counter examples. :)

      --

      The enemies of Democracy are
    5. Re:Anyone... by Karloskar · · Score: 2, Funny

      Yes, because watching 6 good movies in a row AUTOMATICALLY means your penis has never been inside a vagina.

      So a male homosexual who has never had male/female intercourse but plenty of male/male intercourse is destined to be a virgin all his life?

    6. Re:Anyone... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      Even more shockingly, it'd seem that by that definition, all females are virgins.

    7. Re:Anyone... by Iamthefallen · · Score: 1, Funny

      Geez, you need to calm down and get laid.

      --
      Wax-Museum Fire Results In Hundreds Of New Danny DeVito Statues
    8. Re:Anyone... by UltraAyla · · Score: 2, Funny

      wait wait wait. Maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he just hasn't seen the prequels yet.

    9. Re:Anyone... by Kangburra · · Score: 4, Funny
      Even more shockingly, it'd seem that by that definition, all females are virgins.


      I think you'd get a lot of support for that idea, from the women themselves.
      --
      Common sense is not so common
    10. Re:Anyone... by Mattintosh · · Score: 4, Funny
      "Have any of you nerds actually SEEN a vagina? If you had a police line-up with a vagina, a donut, and a mop, would you be able to pick the vagina out of the line-up? Cause the minute you can, you're gonna throw that Stormtrooper cookie jar right out the window!"

      - Bobcat Goldthwait


      It seemed on-topic to me.
    11. Re:Anyone... by Hoi+Polloi · · Score: 2, Funny

      Your virginity can actualy be restored by doing this.

      --
      It is by the juice of the coffee bean that thoughts acquire speed, the teeth acquire stains. The stains become a warning
  2. Speaking of long movies... by that_xmas · · Score: 2, Funny

    So what was worse, Star Wars or the Cremaster series?

    1. Re:Speaking of long movies... by joFFeman · · Score: 3, Funny

      say what you will about the cremaster cycle, it is far more consistent in quality [or the lack thereof] than the star wars saga.

      --
      "Life is great; without it, you'd be dead." -Harmony Korine
    2. Re:Speaking of long movies... by Slowcurl · · Score: 2, Funny

      Thank you for raising the issue. Speaking as both a reformed SW dope AND the holder of an MFA in painting, I am absolutely certain that the Cremaster series is far, far away the worst of the two. At least 1/3 of the SW series is interesting.

    3. Re:Speaking of long movies... by smoker2 · · Score: 4, Funny

      I don't think I'd like your kind of parties.

  3. Star Wars Virgin? by QuantumFTL · · Score: 4, Funny

    Is there any other kind of Star Wars fan?

    1. Re:Star Wars Virgin? by dubbreak · · Score: 4, Funny

      I took "Star Wars virgin takes the plunge" as: someone finally poured hot grits down Natalie Portman's pants.

      --
      "If you are going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill
    2. Re:Star Wars Virgin? by Gabrill · · Score: 2, Funny

      Of course there are non-virgins. How else would we inflict Star Wars upon the next generation?

      --
      Always going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse.
    3. Re:Star Wars Virgin? by gt_mattex · · Score: 2, Funny

      Not a woman?

      Was she at least 16 or does grass on the field throw you off?

      --
      "No doubt one may quote history to support any cause, as the devil quotes scripture." - Learned Hand
  4. How strange by Bugs42 · · Score: 5, Funny

    Star Wars? Virgin? Why, those are 3 words that have never before been seen anywhere near each other!

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  5. Re:So tiring by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 4, Funny

    It says a lot if you were born in 1950.

  6. Confusing headline by c0d3h4x0r · · Score: 5, Funny

    Star Wars Virgin Takes the Plunge

    The headline made it sound like a Star Wars-loving virgin who had actually gotten laid was going to tell us what it was like to finally score.

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    1. Re:Confusing headline by Capmaster · · Score: 4, Funny

      My only question is: Who shot first?

  7. Re:we all know by prockcore · · Score: 5, Funny

    There wasn't the technology in 1977 to film long senate orations and a jamaican muppet.

  8. Star Wars wedding? by Copid · · Score: 5, Funny

    My wife and I are both Star Wars fans, and we joked about telling just one guest that our wedding would be Star Wars themed and asking him to come in costume. We're not that cruel, but I can't help but regret that our wedding album lacks a picture of a bunch of guys in formal wear standing around with a guy in a cheap Chewbacca costume.

    --
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    1. Re:Star Wars wedding? by Hoi+Polloi · · Score: 2, Funny

      I chose to have a "Taxi Driver" themed wedding. The pastor didn't like it when I responded to "Do you take this woman..." with "Are you talking to me?"

      --
      It is by the juice of the coffee bean that thoughts acquire speed, the teeth acquire stains. The stains become a warning
    2. Re:Star Wars wedding? by SuiteSisterMary · · Score: 2, Funny

      Marital relations..the one instance in which 'Han Shoots First' is a bad thing.

      --
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  9. Re:So tiring by Facegarden · · Score: 3, Funny

    Once in 1980, once in 1990, and once in 2000, though "regular", doesn't bode terribly well for your sexual prowess... -Taylor

    --
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  10. The Natural Order Of Things? by randomblast · · Score: 2, Funny

    So, is it pretty much accepted that the only way to watch Star Wars is in the order of 1-6? You know, the only logical way, as Lucas intended?
    I argued this point for about 2 hours in a pub once, almost got kicked out. A stupid, stupid friend of ours was trying to get my girlfriend (a Star Wars virgin as well), to watch them in release order (4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3).
    I nearly slit his throat, corrupting my girlfriend with wrong thinking like that. It still upsets me.

    --
    ...these aren't my real teeth.
  11. Re:we all know by ENOENT · · Score: 4, Funny

    CSPAN has Jamaican muppets?

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    That's "Mr. Soulless Automaton" to you, Bub.
  12. Re:I prefer a different ordering by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 4, Funny
    I'm showing them to my young kids gradually in the order of 4, 5, flashback to 1, 2, 3, then 6.


    I didn't know Quentin Tarantino read Slashdot

  13. The Perfect Heckle by saudadelinux · · Score: 5, Funny

    I have to sit through that uncomfortable kiss between Luke and Leia knowing that they are indeed brother and sister.

    At this precise moment during the '97 special edition release of Star Wars, in a packed house (the Uptown Theater in Washington DC, 840 seats), some guy down in front yelled,

    INNNN-CEST!!!!

    The whole place cracked up. I wish I could say it was me, but alas, it wasn't.

    --
    I didn't think the house band in Hell would play this badly.
    1. Re:The Perfect Heckle by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      That's like when I went to a screening of Return of the Jedi, and the following sequence occurred.

      Darth Vader: A small rebel force has penetrated the shield and landed on Endor.
      The Emperor: Yes, I know.
      Darth Vader: My son is with them.
      The Emperor: Are you sure?
      Darth Vader: I have felt him.
      (Guy in audience snickers loudly)

      But that doesn't top a Star Wars virgin moment I witnessed. At the same marathon, we were watching The Empire Strikes Back about 15 years after it came out, with a friend who really was a Star Wars virgin.

      Darth Vader: "I AM YOUR FATHER."
      During the silence that follows, my friend is the only person in the entire theater who gasps audibly.
      After which half the theater turned to look at her in disbelief...

    2. Re:The Perfect Heckle by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

      When you were at the beach with her, did she want to swim with the dolphins?

  14. I've read the headline as by melted · · Score: 2, Funny

    Star Wars virgin takes a plunger

  15. From "Clerks"... by robyannetta · · Score: 3, Funny

    Randal: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?

    Dante: "Empire".

    Randal: Blasphemy.

    Dante: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

    --
    - Just my $0.02, take with a grain of salt, your mileage may vary.
  16. What are you talking about? by p3d0 · · Score: 4, Funny

    That's not a "fantastic" heckle. Here's a fantastic heckle...

    If you recall, the bad dudes in Battlefield Earth wore these huge platform boots to make them look taller and more menacing. Watching the movie with my brother, the part came where Forrest Whitaker was pleading for his life, saying "please, I have a wife, I have a family..." and my brother adds "...I just took out a mortgage on a new pair of shoes..."

    Now that is a heckle.
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  17. Re:It seems to me... by TheoMurpse · · Score: 4, Funny

    You forgot to add Episode I one last time at the end because the third time you watch the films, it's about Jar Jar.

  18. Re:Bad News About Star Wars (Cover Your Ears!) by flyingsquid · · Score: 3, Funny
    Everyone knows #5 was the best.

    Search your feelings... you know it to be true.

  19. Re:we all know by bill_mcgonigle · · Score: 4, Funny

    Oh, shut up. You're reminding us how incredibly easy it would have been to have a reasonable plot for Eps. 1-3. I had sucessfully blocked them out for several months now...

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  20. Game time started. by Jesus_666 · · Score: 4, Funny

    I think the best viewing order is 4, 5, 6, the Wikipedia entries on the first three. That way you learn all the important fasts without having to sit through The Little Menace.

    Alternatively I recommend 4, 5, 6, Backstroke of the West. BotW arguably is more entertaining than vanilla Episode 3.

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