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Uwe Boll Has Three Picture Distribution Deal
1up is reporting that famed, beloved film-maker Uwe Boll has landed a three-picture deal with a company called FreeStyle. They're going to be releasing three Boll-helmed films to theatres across the country. The three films are Postal, Dungeon Siege, and an original work by the director called Seed. "The high-profile cast of In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale -- Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Ron Perlman, Leelee Sobieski, John Rhys-Davies, Matthew Lillard and Burt Reynolds -- means Freestyle's putting their muscle behind the fantasy epic. Opening January 18, 2008, the film's scheduled to appear in at least 2,500 screens -- a nice score for Boll, considering BloodRayne's distribution problems."
I saw the headline that said "three pictures" as in still images and thought to myself "Yeah, that's about the right length for a Uwe Boll film".
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Am I the only one who involuntarily flinches whenever news comes out about movies based on games? I swear, it's an actual physical reaction to mental trauma!
P.P.S. I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.
"The three films are Postal, Dungeon Siege, and an original work by the director called Seed."
Going Postal. Dungeon Prisoner, and Spore, er no Seed. Ah well it's all genetics.
How many times does Uwe Boll go down for a deal like this? Silver tongue? Hypnosis? Pact with Satan?
"considering Bloodrayne's distribution problems"??? You're joking right? The problem was that Bloodrayne was distributed at all! *shudder* And once again he's trying to hide his pathetic movie making "skills" with some high-profile name. Hey, if Ben Kingsley and that honey Kristianna Lokken couldn't save Bloodrayne I'm not sure how he thinks that doing it again will someone work. Apparently, this company that's giving him these three films has not heard of the phrase about learning from history.
:P
Ooh. I'd better be careful lest Boll challenge me to a boxing match. Unfortunately, he's a better boxer than filmmaker. Then again, he probably does everything better than filmmaking.
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We can thank god that no one cares much for these franchises. After what he's done to actually well-appreciated, deserving games...at least he's not helming a Final Fantasy movie, is what I'm trying to say.
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I can see Uwe making more films.
What flabergasts me is that major actors are still voluntarily acting in them.
Can we get a "-1 Wrong" moderation option?
Atleast hes is still doing what he does best
Uwe Boll is my favorite movie director and producer, and fight choreographer of all time. He should make a movie a week because I would watch them all! Bloodrayne was one of the best movies ever because of Kristanna's amazing breasts and Billy Zane's pimp toupee that looked like he kept it in a pocket right up until the camera started rolling in every scene and hastily kinda just slapped it on, barely checking if it was even right-side-up.
Forget Peter Jackson and Halo. Uwe Boll is the only man for that job. And for Zelda as well. I can't wait for his awesome Oscar-sweeping epic Dungeon Siege movie; I assume Burt Reynolds plays the donkey.
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His movies gets the attention they deserves and I hope it atleast ends the overall negative publicity his movies gets. They may not be masterpieces but they definently are alot better than what many says.
The big name actors made Bloodrayne seem even worse to me - I kept thinking what the fuck are you doing in this crappy movie?
And what are you even doing in this type of movie? I'm looking at you Michael Madsen. And you Michelle Rodriguez.
And the material they had to work with made them look like really lousy actors. What a disaster.
Dungeon Siege: The Movie
Let's not stir that bag of worms...
This is good, people! If Uwe floods the market with his crappy films, perhaps poorly acted, written, and directed films will fall out of favour! People will go to the cinema and think: "Wow, looks like they totally Uwe'd this movie, let's check out something else."
So don't worry everybody, we can count on the market and people's good sense and intelligence to fix the problem.
Right...?
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Burt Reynolds in a medieval fantasy movie? Here's some working titles:
Smokey and the Rogue
The Longest Furlong
The Best Little Whorehouse in Middle Earth
Cannonball Run
Ceci n'est pas une sig.
Uwe Boll, video game based films, etc... Does it really make a difference when almost all big name films coming out are complete and utter shit anyway?
"He who can destroy a thing, controls a thing." --Paul Atreides, Dune
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Why hasn't someone taken this man's movie making license away!!!??? And what frickin suckers would give this guy money to make movies in the first place?????
The best scene in Bloodrayne was Meatloaf's naked vamp chick harem, then you he actually had to throw meatloaf in that scene which took it down a bunch of notches.
I saw a brief story a while back on Postal and thought to myself, um, like the game REALLY didn't have much of a story line. It was pretty much "I've lost it, oo a gun! BANG BANG BANG!!!! I regret nothing" and blows off his head. How in the world could you figure that would make a good 1:30 movie?
Damn it Jack Thompson use your ignorance to do some good and stop Uwe Bolle from making movies!
Dewser - all around techy "In the immortal words of Socrates - 'I drank what?'"
That man takes to the movie camera like Jason Vorhees and hockey masks.
Kwisatz Haderach
Sell the spice to CHOAM
This Mahdi took Shaddam's Throne
You know, I have to admit I can't think of anyone more appropriate to make a movie out of that.
I can't believe we've all already forgiven him for House of the Dead (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317676/). Bloodrayne was bad? How's about a movie where if you're on the boat, it rains, but if you fall in the water it stops. Pan back to the boat, more rain...
Cuz God's on a cig break, Allah's busy banging virgins, and Vishnu's vaccuuming Valhallah cuz the valkyries discovered dildos!
(seriously though, I think that all took more effort than any of his films... even on a friday).
And closing Opening January 19, 2008. Seriously "Dungeon Siege" will have been sitting in the can for two years. Distributors are not stupid, if it was even slightly watchable it would have appeared before now.
Yet another sign of the imminent apocalypse, Uwe Boll gets a 3 movie deal.
that dungeon siege had already been finished, released and bombed. I really need to cut down on my spice consumption, prescience is too trippy.
How do you pronounce "Uwe Boll"? The closest I can come to is "you bowl", which doesn't sound like a name.
You know, so I can tell people to avoid his movies.
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FYI January is the traditional dumping ground for studios. Films that studios believe will be big open in November-December to cash in on the holiday crowds. Smaller films that don't have mass appeal, but appeal more towards the "arthouse" crowds, open in late December in order to be in contention for Oscar consideration, then they are (hopefully) released big in February to March with ad campaigns trumpeting their Oscar nominations. Films that are neither arty nor will be popular open in January.
Congratulations Uwe!
Unfortunately it looks as if willing participants were screened of any abilities to defend themselves, but I'd have gladly tried anyway...
This douchebag motherfucker arranged amateur boxing matches with a few people (like somethingawful's lowtax) who are just as critical of him as I am, but he did it in such a way as to guarantee his place as the winner by ensuring they didn't know how to fight, or could even be of the fitness to land a lucky shot or two. Like a total pussy.
Well, you fairy, if you ever open the door to that again, write me down as I'm totally going to game the system via whatever publicity channels are willing to participate to scam my way into the ring with you... and then I'm going to beat your fucking ass, Uwe Boll.
This is how it will go down:
It will hurt. You will require chiropractic therapy afterwards. Perhaps surgery. Perhaps care at the local ICU. Perhaps you should assign pall bearers. In any perspective I'm going to hit you in the face for ever assuming having talent entertaining people.
Love,
Matt
You want to know why Ewe gets to keep making movies? He explains it himself in an interview included on the Bloodrayne DVD: THE MOVIES MAKE A PROFIT
Yes, they are crappy. But he makes them on a small budget, thanks in part to German film tax credits, and they end up taking in more than it costs to make! So studios keep signing up for more.
For the second time in two days, I get to plug one of my Escapist articles: "Uwe Boll and the German Tax Code," which answers the perennial question "Why do people keep giving Boll money to make movies?" (Link goes to HTML text version.)
the existence of Uwe Boll proves that there is no God!