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The Ninja Handbook
Aeonite writes "Equal parts ninja geekery and pop-cultural satire, The Ninja Handbook falls into that odd category of book that presents fiction as reality. Numerous Guides to Piracy have been published, and more than a few authors have taken a crack at Zombie Survival Guides, the most popular spin-off being the zombie novel World War Z, which is now on its way towards Hollywood. Of course, the creators of the Ask a Ninja website have taken the opposite tack here, having first staked their claim as an Internet video sensation before moving on to "old media."" Keep reading below to find out what secret moves Michael learned from this book.
The Ninja Handbook
author
Douglas Sarine and Kent Nichols
pages
336
publisher
Three Rivers Press
rating
9
reviewer
Michael Fiegel
ISBN
978-0-307-40580-7
summary
An old media incarnation of the popular Ask a Ninja website
Ask A Ninja is not the first Ninja website to turn bookish; the first "Ninja Handbook" to hit the shelves was Robert Hamburger's Real Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book, published on July 1, 2004 based on the website which hit its peak of popularity way back in 2002. Then there was my own Ninja Burger Honorable Employee Handbook, published in late May of 2006 based on a website started as a goof in June of 2000. Both of those books were published by Citadel Press, and in that light also worth mentioning here is the New York Times bestseller The Alphabet of Manliness, written by one Maddox, purportedly a pirate.
The Ninja Handbook, however, is entirely about ninja. Branded as an "Official Product of the International Order of Ninjas," it's an exploration of the lessons a non-ninja, or nonja, needs to learn in order to become a ninja. Of course, the book is subtitled "This Book Looks Forward To Killing You Soon," so one might expect that the lessons to be taught aren't quite so easy, or ordinary.
The book is nominally broken up into seven sections, although the content is random enough, and the humor fluid enough, that any attempt at organization seems futile at best. In many ways the book's sense of humor drifts about in the same general area as the Real Ultimate Power Book. However, that book's focus on what might best be called "12-year-old humor" (i.e.,guitar-wailing, excrement jokes, and Hippos) is decidedly different from the Ask a Ninja book which never breaks character. Ninjas are not "sweet" and "totally cool" in this book; they are savage killers with a made-up ancient history of the sort likely to send Wikipedia editors into reversion-driven nervous breakdowns.
Section 1 offers introductory advice and information about ninja, including how to form a ninja clan and make a clan flag. Section 2 teaches the Path to nearly ninja-hood, broken up into subsections that cover (in turn) the Nonja (non-ninja), those who are Ninjaish, the Ninjalike, the "Whooooooooo," (the sound of a gentle breeze) and then the I.T.A.N. ("Is That A Ninja?"). Along the way The Ninja teaches (or at least briefly mentions) the ninja basics: the ninja code, requirements to being a ninja, safe sword use, shuriken, pirates, mythical beasts, invisible scrolls, and smoke bombs, among many other topics. There are also plenty of sidewise pokes at Google Maps, Vampire Pumpkins, Fox News, A-Ha, Billy Joel, Woody Allen, and the like, the pop culture references sometimes plain to see, and at other times buried beneath in the subtext.
After a very short Section 3 (almost entirely comprised of Ninja Merit Badges, which as one might expect are all solid black), Section 4 teaches Ninja Skills, including Jumping, Spinning, Punching, Stabbing and Kicking, the latter illustrated via a list of 100 different kicks including "10 Piggies of Pain," "Driving Miss Daisy" and "Palace of Endless Toes." The book then dives headlong into the realm of the bizarre, with Section 5 covering "The Worlds" as in other dimensions and realms of existence, as well as magic and myth. The latter section does manage to clamber back out of the primordial stew onto solid ground when it looks at ninja movies, with a particularly hard look at Batman (not a ninja, as it turns out).
Since the reader has survived this far, Section 6 welcomes him or her to the International Order of Ninja, covering the top brass of the organization, ninja internships, and a bit of ninja rap music. Section 7 then introduces the new ninja to their Mission, an endless quest wherein they follow in the footsteps of the many ninja who have come before them. How many? There is an illustration of a ninja riding a pterodactyl, if that's any help. A lengthy timeline and a one page non-glossary close out the book on an abrupt note.
Obviously, this is a book designed for people who like ninja, but more than that it's a book for those who enjoy a mix of intelligent humor and surreal, near-stream-of-consciousness nonsense. The book is not for everyone; it does have a very scattershot feel in places, particularly if you're not prepared to read it all the way through. While there are jokes on every page, this is not a Mystery Science Theater 3000 sort of book where you can turn it on in the middle of an episode and immediately fall into synch with the humor. But while any individual joke (or page) on its own might be somewhat hard to swallow, taken as a whole the entire piece allows you to immerse yourself in an imaginary world somewhere next door to the Big Rock Candy Mountain.
In that regard, the general tone of the book is best compared with the likes of a John Hodgman, whose book The Areas of My Expertise included a list of 700 Hobo names which he dutifully recited in the audio book version (N.B., The Ninja Handbook is also being released in audio book format). On its own, out of context, such a list is merely awkward and possibly irritating to read (or listen to). But in context, as a part of an entire book full of similar ludicrousness, it's the sort of thing you can just immerse yourself in, and appreciate on a ninja Zen level. The same might be said of the Ask a Ninja video series as well: watch one episode, and you probably won't "get it," but give yourself time to watch them all, and it all suddenly makes sense.
Unless you're a pirate, of course, since pirates and ninja don't get along. As I write this, it's the eve of International Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19), and I'm beginning preparations for the opposing Day of the Ninja (December 5), entering its 6th year. What is it about pirates and ninja that attracts fans and sells books? Whatever it is, there's obviously something to the whole "ninja vs pirate" thing, and The Ninja Handbook represents a strong argument for the continuation of the funny fad. Obviously Three Rivers Press agrees; according to Publishers Marketplace, the book was sold to Crown Publishing (a division of Random House) for "six figures." That'll buy a lot of shuriken.
You can purchase The Ninja Handbook from amazon.com. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.
The Ninja Handbook, however, is entirely about ninja. Branded as an "Official Product of the International Order of Ninjas," it's an exploration of the lessons a non-ninja, or nonja, needs to learn in order to become a ninja. Of course, the book is subtitled "This Book Looks Forward To Killing You Soon," so one might expect that the lessons to be taught aren't quite so easy, or ordinary.
The book is nominally broken up into seven sections, although the content is random enough, and the humor fluid enough, that any attempt at organization seems futile at best. In many ways the book's sense of humor drifts about in the same general area as the Real Ultimate Power Book. However, that book's focus on what might best be called "12-year-old humor" (i.e.,guitar-wailing, excrement jokes, and Hippos) is decidedly different from the Ask a Ninja book which never breaks character. Ninjas are not "sweet" and "totally cool" in this book; they are savage killers with a made-up ancient history of the sort likely to send Wikipedia editors into reversion-driven nervous breakdowns.
Section 1 offers introductory advice and information about ninja, including how to form a ninja clan and make a clan flag. Section 2 teaches the Path to nearly ninja-hood, broken up into subsections that cover (in turn) the Nonja (non-ninja), those who are Ninjaish, the Ninjalike, the "Whooooooooo," (the sound of a gentle breeze) and then the I.T.A.N. ("Is That A Ninja?"). Along the way The Ninja teaches (or at least briefly mentions) the ninja basics: the ninja code, requirements to being a ninja, safe sword use, shuriken, pirates, mythical beasts, invisible scrolls, and smoke bombs, among many other topics. There are also plenty of sidewise pokes at Google Maps, Vampire Pumpkins, Fox News, A-Ha, Billy Joel, Woody Allen, and the like, the pop culture references sometimes plain to see, and at other times buried beneath in the subtext.
After a very short Section 3 (almost entirely comprised of Ninja Merit Badges, which as one might expect are all solid black), Section 4 teaches Ninja Skills, including Jumping, Spinning, Punching, Stabbing and Kicking, the latter illustrated via a list of 100 different kicks including "10 Piggies of Pain," "Driving Miss Daisy" and "Palace of Endless Toes." The book then dives headlong into the realm of the bizarre, with Section 5 covering "The Worlds" as in other dimensions and realms of existence, as well as magic and myth. The latter section does manage to clamber back out of the primordial stew onto solid ground when it looks at ninja movies, with a particularly hard look at Batman (not a ninja, as it turns out).
Since the reader has survived this far, Section 6 welcomes him or her to the International Order of Ninja, covering the top brass of the organization, ninja internships, and a bit of ninja rap music. Section 7 then introduces the new ninja to their Mission, an endless quest wherein they follow in the footsteps of the many ninja who have come before them. How many? There is an illustration of a ninja riding a pterodactyl, if that's any help. A lengthy timeline and a one page non-glossary close out the book on an abrupt note.
Obviously, this is a book designed for people who like ninja, but more than that it's a book for those who enjoy a mix of intelligent humor and surreal, near-stream-of-consciousness nonsense. The book is not for everyone; it does have a very scattershot feel in places, particularly if you're not prepared to read it all the way through. While there are jokes on every page, this is not a Mystery Science Theater 3000 sort of book where you can turn it on in the middle of an episode and immediately fall into synch with the humor. But while any individual joke (or page) on its own might be somewhat hard to swallow, taken as a whole the entire piece allows you to immerse yourself in an imaginary world somewhere next door to the Big Rock Candy Mountain.
In that regard, the general tone of the book is best compared with the likes of a John Hodgman, whose book The Areas of My Expertise included a list of 700 Hobo names which he dutifully recited in the audio book version (N.B., The Ninja Handbook is also being released in audio book format). On its own, out of context, such a list is merely awkward and possibly irritating to read (or listen to). But in context, as a part of an entire book full of similar ludicrousness, it's the sort of thing you can just immerse yourself in, and appreciate on a ninja Zen level. The same might be said of the Ask a Ninja video series as well: watch one episode, and you probably won't "get it," but give yourself time to watch them all, and it all suddenly makes sense.
Unless you're a pirate, of course, since pirates and ninja don't get along. As I write this, it's the eve of International Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19), and I'm beginning preparations for the opposing Day of the Ninja (December 5), entering its 6th year. What is it about pirates and ninja that attracts fans and sells books? Whatever it is, there's obviously something to the whole "ninja vs pirate" thing, and The Ninja Handbook represents a strong argument for the continuation of the funny fad. Obviously Three Rivers Press agrees; according to Publishers Marketplace, the book was sold to Crown Publishing (a division of Random House) for "six figures." That'll buy a lot of shuriken.
You can purchase The Ninja Handbook from amazon.com. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.
Congress's bailout package will reward failed wall street companies instead of letting them crater and injecting money into solvent banks.
This is an important read for those who have money in banks and stocks, and who hope to make the US their home for the next few decades:
http://blogs.wsj.com/economics/2008/09/20/treasurys-financial-bailout-proposal-to-congress/ [wsj.com]
Q: Why don't I ever get laid?
A: Because you are a fucking nerd. Comb the shit out of your beard and find a girl.
Thanks to my Ninja skills, I've been waiting silently, un-discovered in this article for two days now.
how do i change back now?
Obviously not written by a ninja. Nothing more than pirate propaganda. Real ninjas have no need for books as they already know everything.
"i lost my dignity on a slippery wiener"
"You can purchase The Ninja Handbook from amazon.com from amazon.com."
So why would I want The Ninja Handbook from amazon.com from amazon.com? Do amazon.com ninja employees have better tips?
"There can be little doubt that union activities lead to continuous and progressive inflation." F. A. Hayek
And why is /. talking about finances??
Where's my News for Nerds? Stuff That Matters?
I am Slashdot. Are you Slashdot as well?
I think that any ninja reference that doesn't include ninjas wailing on guitars is probably a work of fiction. If I can picture an actor who would be perfect for the part of a ninja, it would probably be Jack Black and KG, because they can do cock pushups and they beat the devil in guitar wailing.
semper ubi sub ubi
I bought this book online because it's next to impossible to find. When I opened the box from Amazon, it was empty! Later that day, I happened to go to my bookshelf to get another book, and lo and behold, there it was, sitting there unnoticed. Sneaky bastard.
Guess you must have some mad anal retention skills to stay in ambush for two days.
they forgot to mention the turtles... I mean come on
Numerous Guides to Piracy have been published, and more than a few authors have taken a crack at Zombie Survival Guides, the most popular spin-off being the zombie novel World War Z, which is now on its way towards Hollywood. And for damn good reason. It's a hella good book. No doubt Hollywood will fuck it up.
It's actually very easy to tell if someone's a ninja. Just ask yourself two questions: 1) Am I aware of the alleged ninja's presence in any way? and 2) Am I dead?
From there the answer should be obvious.
Ninjas have become boring. I couldn't muster more than a single "Arr!" on Talk Like A Pirate Day. Vampires have lost their bite. Even robots are all same old same old, or they look like us now.
We need a new, interesting character archetype before even cybernetic lesbian assassins lose their luster.
good to write you res0lt of a quarrel
Arg, 'tis valuable intelligence on the ways of the scurvy ninja! Off to me Amazon account, mateys!
SJW: Someone who has run out of real oppression, and has to fake it.
Everything in the book is a lie or a deception, because Ninjas never give away their secrets.
Sure, this book sounds cool, but for my money, Ask A Ninja can't get any better than this segment where the Ninja interviewed Jon Heder and Will Ferrell about 'Blades of Glory'. While they do try to get in the joke, they're just so fantastically bewildered. You can imagine how the day was going.. journalist asking tedious questions 1, journalist asking tedious questions 2. Etc.. etc.. then all of a sudden.. Ninja out of nowhere!
I would think a more appropriate December date for it would be the 7th.
"I guess the moral of the story is, don't paint your airship with rocket fuel." -- Addison Bain
The TRUE Ninja handbook can never be found.
It slips silently into the shelves of the library, never to be seen again.
He who knows best knows how little he knows. - Thomas Jefferson
I heard that the deluxe boxed set comes with the Master Ninja Theme Song.
For conscience is the wound, and there's naught to staunch it
We were just hedging our bets...
Don't tell me to get a life. I'm a gamer; I have LOTS of lives!
Last time I opened a Ninja book Chuck Norris' fist flew out of it and stopped just far enough away from my face for me to read the words "Don't even think about it" tattoo'd across all 25 of his knuckles.
I'm not making that mistake again.
Wanna fight ? Bend over, stick your head up your ass, and fight for air.
While not being familiar with all of this, I assure you it lives in the shadow of Grandmaster Ashida Kim, who has made his ninja training available for free:
http://ashidakim.com/stb.html
Just in the off chance that you take that book seriously, I suggest you ruin it with his Sentry Removal Techniques video series:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCNRh9M9OAI
Worth a watch just for the many degrees of awesome - the music, the editing - Everything.
don't be afraid theRe's no
Is this book about the perils of ninja loans (No Income No Job)
I am amazed that Chuck Norris has allowed this to happen. Thank goodness we all live in a benevolent Chucktocracy.
that ask a ninja guy is so fake. first of all, ninjas don't talk loudly. in fact, they don't talk at all, and they certainly don't appear on youtube videos. ninjas do not negotiate or give interviews, they kill. furthermore, ninjas do not have "clans", "bosses" or "merit badges" (even black ones). ninjas are not black, they are invisible.
....they just kill people a little more slowly.
My day job is as a network analyst for a Big Company. Until a few years ago (50th birthday), I taught martial arts in the evenings.
While not a Ninja...we teach Karate, BJJ, Aikido, Muy Thai, and straight up Western boxing...I have a fair amount of skill.
Also used to fight full contact, so it was not unusual to show up for work with things bruised or broken. One morning, an IT secretary saw some bruises on my forearms and asked how it happened. When I explained, she exclaimed "what are you...some kind of Ninja Nerd?"
I thought for a second and replied "exactly". Kept the nickname for the last 16 years.
Oh, I have actually met Chuck Norris; he trained Terry Smith, who trained me. Chuck was filming "Sidekicks" in Houston and the cast and crew were staying at the same hotel. Met Mako in the bar...drinking a Coors Light quietly in the corner. I introduced myself and spoke with him a minute or two. The next morning, I ran into Chuck crossing the lobby. Told him who I was, got an autograph for a friend back home, and chatted for 4-5 minutes. He was very gracious and only punched me twice. (Just kidding...although his handshake was strong enough to snap bones)
I'll have to get the ninja book...sounds like some humor I can appreciate.
I am my own gestalt.
So they can go out and make the rest of our lives a complete Ninja Dorking hell.
Greeeeeaaaaattttt......
Tsukasa: All I really want, is to be left alone...
MOD PARENT UP!
Parent is so right: if you don't hear wailing guitars in the distance, they're not real ninjas.
Not only YouTube it, but Google it, too.
bujinkan
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=bujinkan&search_type=
also check out
Taijutsu
Masaaki Hatsumi
Also,
http://www.biomindsuperpowers.com/Pages/MartialArtsAndSuperpowers.html
by Charles Daniel.
Talks about being blindfolded, and having someone of your skill shoot at you meaning to kill you, and moving at an angle to their *intent*.
I learned my ninja skills in the 1980's via mail order Ninja books like ones Ashida Kim wrote. He wants you to steal this Ninja book because everyone else has stolen it and he released it into the public domain to get even at the dummy corporations that protected the publishers that sold his book and never game him his fair share or any money at all from it. He will gladly sell you ebooks and paper books for money to learn how to be a real ninja.
If you want to learn how to be a real pirate, you can join up with the Neo-Swashbucklers and learn from them. New pirate members accepted as long as they don't troll the group or cause trouble, because if that happens we make them walk the plank. :)
Remember, Slashdot does not have a -1 disagree moderation, and no, troll, flamebait, and overrated are not substitutes.
IANAN, but I'm pretty sure they'd be pissed if they found out about this book.
Order it while you can.
-David
Ninjitsu is considered a dead form of the martial arts. It is neither combat effective nor practical in modern applications. Your modern practitioners are steeped in a world of fantasy and Hollywood. It is well known in the mixed martial arts world that Ninjitsu is a huge joke.
Section 6 welcomes him or her to the International Order of Ninja, covering the top brass of the organization, ninja internships, and a bit of ninja rap music.
There are infinite ways to store ninja music. One exciting way is to gather a large group of pirates and hang them upside down to let them represent a series of bits. A live pirate represents 1 bit while a dead pirate represents 0 bit. Music can be stored efficiently this way. This is a write-once storage medium because bits can only be turned off, not on. Ninjas prefer this storage medium.
Wouldn't it be cool to let the pirates double as a music player too? The pirates can be arranged into an array and their heights can be represented as a single note which they need to sing. The space between the pirates represents time. Their heights can be manipulated by the simple process of cutting off their limbs. This method is energy-efficient because we need not use electricity, although it would be cool to electrocute the pirates while they sing.
Sigh... pretty far from a real Ninja. What's next, PHP WMD?
According to who exactly!? In the States, sure, under the Hollywood guises you describe. Elsewhere on the planet, the same cannot be said. We're not all a bunch of cultureless yahoos. And it's ninj_U_tsu.
Not combat effective? What planet are you on?
I'm just going to babble on here; no one's going to read this and it's more for the defense attorney of whatever trial I get into. I personally purchased this book, and while I haven't read it, I can say with full honesty that I give the cover 5/5. A spectacular piece of imagery encompassing everything ninja about a ninja handbook. Also, being a vampire pigeon, I am very excited to hear about the vampire pumpkins, and look forward to eating them soon. Finally, some more ninjaness. It seems like pirates are beginning to rule the more mainstream areas as ninjas sit back in video games with poor camera controls and comic books. Why the hell can't anyone make a good ninja movie nowadays? Like honest-to-God, backflip/run on walls/smoke bomb ninjas; you know, the kind that never existed, like PotC. Also Naruto is not about ninjas. Ninjas don't wear orange jumpsuits unless they go to anime conventions, in order to blend in so that they can kill all the people dressed similarly. Opinions about content aside; it's not about ninjas. like, end of discussion. You see the period? yeah, it's real. For the record, I for one welcome our ninja overlords, though I am puzzled as to why they have not removed some of our government yet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFLGRidfFo4
... is "To Serve Man". Delicious.
~REZ~ #43301. Who'd fake being me anyway?
just read this
I concur with "Anonymous Coward." The MMA isn't a true test of martial prowess. It is a sport. Someone entering into a Ninja Dojo will by nature take their art more seriously. It has always been geared towards practicality.