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North Korea Develops Anti-Aging "Super Drink"
__roo writes "According to North Korea's official news agency, a drink produced by North Korea's Moranbong Carbonated Fruit Juice Joint Venture Company can cure aging and all disease. 'It, with effects of both preventive and curative treatment, helps improve mental and retentive faculties by multiplying brain cells. It also protects skin from wrinkles and black spots and prevents such geriatric diseases as cerebral hemorrhage, myocardium and brain infarction by removing acid effete matters in time.' It also has no side-effects." Last month North Korea announced its fusion breakthrough, and now it has a super drink. One can only imagine what wonders may come in July — perhaps self-buttering toast.
It's called beer goggles.
"Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past." -- George Orwell
About who's going to succeed Kim Jong-Il, then.
No different than the food supplements in America. They make all these claims and then some.
North Korea is going to beat everyone to the punch and release the first 5G phone powered by their portable fusion reactor.
It will also make your penis grow in size, will make your erection last longer, and your orgasms more intense.
Not quite in time to help the "Great Leader". Oh, well. Looks like the start of a North Korean multi-level marketing scheme, with guaranteed buyers (all citizens will be compelled to attend). I can see Kim's people setting up the living room sell-through meetings, with free kimchee on the side.
No wonder he hasn't changed a bit since 10 years.
Because Chinese love the drink?
"The average reporter we talk to is 27 years old......They literally know nothing." - Ben Rhodes
But self-buttering toast that lands butter-side UP when dropped, every time, meaning they have developed a small anti-Murphian field that envelops each slice of toast.
Next, this Anti-Murphian field will be generated on a larger scale and will be developed as an active defense, meaning that anything that can go right will go wright.
However, the device will be immediately outlawed and everyone involved in the project killed once Kim Jong-Il realizes that if he ever got in the vicinity of an anti-Murphian field he would be instantly deposed or killed.
"This post contains words, known to the State of California to cause thought. Wash brain thoroughly after reading."
And they promise there will be free elections in the country as soon as everyone learns a musical instrument. Kim says, 'it is part of a new cultural incentive program."
Will it Core a Apple?
Yeah, and those free speech hating bastards at the FDA want to stop me from selling water and making those claims! Fascists.
... he still hits a hole-in-one every day!
It's Linux, damnit! Pay no attention to renaming attempts by self-aggrandizing blowhards.
and it didn't work out too well.
It sounds like North Korea is moving into the highly lucrative multi-level marketing system. Along with this drink I'm assuming they'll start a long distance carrier that friends will attempt to get you to sign up for so they can get a commission, a business to sell rubies to friends, and possibly a skin cream to infuse your face with nutrients?
Now all they need to do is come up with a drink which protects against death by starvation and torture and the North Korean people will have something to celebrate.
c.
Log in or piss off.
Hi, Kim Jong-II here for Moranbong Carbonated Fruit Juice. Tired of getting old? Memory fading? Can't get that grease spot out the shirt you stained stuffing your bloated, capitalistic face at the buffet? The mighty Moranbong Carbonated Fruit Juice cures all that and more. And, if you order today, we'll include a genuine Chinese Army battle shovel!
That's our life, the big wheel of shit. - The Fat Man, Blue Tango Salvage
You have to wonder if they are gulible enough to drink the Kool-Aid.
Why not? Folks have been selling snake-oil for as long as there has been selling and snakes!
"The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men." ~Plato (427-347 BC)
The Wright-Murphy feud is almost as famous as the Hatfield-McCoy... no, wait, I think you are just trying to start something!
Let me fire the first salvo, I'll make up something...
Wright's Law: If something can go right, it will, for someone else.
This issue is a bit more complicated than you think.
A script for a sci-fi novel: after years of self-reclusion, the much hated North Korean country have developed two things, the most powerful army in Earth and a drink that can maintain their people forever young. Scared with the potential implications in economy and society, the "western" countries try to invade the korean territories but are repelled by the self-healing soldiers of the enemy...
(the rest is left to the imagination of the reader...)
I'm waiting for Kevin Trudeau to release a book titled, "Nuclear Fusion secrets THEY don't want you to know."
Non impediti ratione cogitationus.
The real question is, has it got electrolytes?
This is North Korea's attempt to live up to the high standards of credibility of it's western rivals... China should be able to relate, because they know everything that is wrong in their country is because of this corrupting western influence.
Many of you are familiar with he earth-at-night photo.
Well did you ever take a look at North Korea? They don't have electricity, much less health care.
Slashdot's rate-of-post filter: Preventing you from posting too many great ideas at once.
In all seriousness, these are warning signs that things are going to get very nasty in the Korean Peninsula very soon.
When a totalitarian regime plays the "we are being victimized by the rest of the world" card in their nationalistic propaganda, the people will generally believe it and will unite in support of the leader, sometimes for decades. But when a regime tries to stoke the nationalistic fires by playing the "we are the greatest country in the world" card and making impossible promises of how gloriously successful they will be in the coming years, promises that will very quickly be seen by everyone as the bullshit they are, something's gonna happen and it's gonna happen soon.
http://alternatives.rzero.com/
It's as if North Korea is deliberately trying not to be credible anymore. Why doesn't this embarass China?
Speaking of credibility, let us not forget that China is the country that brought us the Chintendo Vii.
On the Oregon Cost born and raised, On the beach is where I spent most of my days
At an art museum in Europe, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a North Korean stand before a painting of Adam and Eve holding an apple in the Garden of Eden. The Englishman says: "The man has something tasty to eat and is eager to share it with the woman. Based on that, I would conclude that they're rather obviously English..." The Frenchman says: "I disagree. They're walking around entirely naked, so they must be French..." The North Korean says: "There is no doubt in my mind that they're North Korean. They have no clothes to wear, barely anything to eat, and they still think they're in heaven!"
Chinese government officials do not even pretend to respect any sort of truth. This puts them directly at odds with western governments who are very good at pretending to respect any truth.
All things considered, it's good to have the biggest threat to one of your regional economic competitors on your side.
One that hath name thou can not otter
microelements are people man!
It's got what slaves crave.
.
Prisencolinensinainciusol. Ol Rait!
The drink also lets you travel through time and sing like Rick Astley.
They could really benefit from a drink that makes people aware of how outlandish they sound.
So they've basically developed the anti-soju! sweet
You drink it, and it kills you. If you're dead, you don't age anymore, and dead things technically can't contract diseases.
Are YOU using the TOOL, or is the TOOL using YOU? Think about it!
Unfortunately its so costly that only dear leader can imbibe this drink and absorb all of its nutrients so completely that he doesn't need to pee.
Their propaganda must be so effective that its immune to reason or sensibility. Scary
Thank heavens - my acid effete matters have been giving me terrible trouble lately, darlings.
I have no doubt in my mind that this is a hint of opressed press: The Great Comrade Kim Jong Il is old, sick and soon to die. And here is a reason: in 1952-53 when Stalin was on his deathbed, official press maintained that "The Father of All Nations" was in the greatest health of all. However, sometime around that time, hints appeared all over the press, such an article that was published in Pravda that claimed that there is a rumor that Georgians live way past 130 years. The average Soviet people would then read it, conclude that it is impossible, and then realize what the paper really meant to say "between the lines".
Now North Koreans can live long enough to starve to death.
If you aren't part of the solution, then there is good money to be made prolonging the problem
Lie, make outrageous and impossible claims, try to get everything you can out of it.
As does the leader, so do the people.
This joke:
One can only imagine what wonders they will reveal in July, perhaps self buttering toast.
[signature]
Drug test there world cup team!
I'll take a case of it! Anyone in a country that trades with North Korea willing to be my shipping proxy?
Pffft. Call me when they can make it always land buttered-side up.
It must have been something you assimilated. . . .
I wonder if it can cure delusions of grandeur.. Their secret? Liquid razamatazz.
"It, much higher than quality cosmetics in anti-oxidation capacity, is efficacious for different skin diseases, including allergic dermatitis. It also makes skin fair. "The drink has no side-effect."
It's a fruit juice drink that turns your skin white, but has no side effects....eh?
Last month they announced their fusion breakthrough, and now they have a super drink. One can only imagine what wonders they will reveal in July, perhaps self buttering toast.
Bah. Wake me up when North Korea announces that they are going to release "Duke Nukem Forever."
Andrew Borntreger
Champion of cinematic disasters
There are many claims being made about the new drink but does it give you wings?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
This - Kim Jong-Il, atomic fusion, and death-defying soft drinks - this is what Steve Jobs would look like if he couldn't quite pull it off.
Really, what's the point of curing old age, and all the diseases known to mankind, if you have to live in Little Kim's dictatorship. I could probably learn to deal with Kim's egomaniacal personality - if only there were FOOD to go around. Think of it. Eternity ahead of you - and hungry all the time. Phhht.
"Windows is like the faint smell of piss in a subway: it's there, and there's nothing you can do about it." - Charlie Br
We laugh at the ridiculous claims of the famous "pigmy" leader's regieme whilst falling victim to the same scam in our own backyard. Look at the weight loss scam products that are out there that have spawned almost a billion dollar industry. It would seem that these shady product vendors bring a product to market long enough to make a large sum of money before being discovered as, at best inefffective and at worst, outright fraud. I find it funny that we laugh at the "Super Drink" while we become easily duped by advertisements on TV that claim super weight loss.
Or is it arsenic or both? Lots of old time medications that also gave fair skin and reduced dark spots have mercury and/or arsenic as active ingredients. To be fair, lots of skin care products in Asia and the Middle East, are still using these compounds.
Is this drink cyanide-based? I mean that would solve all of your antiaging problems...
It's all about the marketing.
"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." General James Mattis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2x8D4T--0v4
as they are. Yet we think that because we live in a more modern society that they are the idiots.
I guess it is easier to look down on another country than admit to the problems in your own
* Winners compare their achievements to their goals, losers compare theirs to that of others.
I think Michael Moore needs to mak a movie about this, to shame the U.S. about its softdrink innovation pace.
So, they've invented Dr. Wiggin's Patent Cure-All And Digestive Aid. Next they're going to be announcing the discovery of the new elements Unobtanium and Impossibilium, and their successful use in building a burrowing machine that has penetrated the Earth's mantle and restarted the rotation of the core.
Also, lets look at the Populatation denistiy stats:
NK 199 people per sqkm
US 32 people per sqkm
SK: 489 people per sqkm
Despite NK having 6 times the population density.... they manage to have only one respecible dot. Mean while, there's SK, with 2.5 times the population of NK. And they have dots everywhere...
Slashdot's rate-of-post filter: Preventing you from posting too many great ideas at once.
If the aim is to simply multiply brain cells, there are plenty of other ways to do that too: just do anything that can give you brain cancer.
for the zombie apocalypse!
Does Kim Jong Il play the Michael Jackson or Paul McCartney part in the commercial?
You never expect irony, do you?
Want to be a professional wrestler? Visit www.iyfwrestling.com
@iyfwrestling
I totally agree. The government of a nation declaring that they have found the exile of life is pretty much exactly the same thing as a private company making vague promises and adding that the claims are not FDA tested. Yup. Exactly the same thing.
My guess is the cloned version of Kim Jong is in the works. They'll use this drink to explain how he suddenly went from old and feeble to an 18 year old overnight.
Coding with assembly is like playing with Legos. Coding an application in assembly is like building a car with Legos.
and a floor wax
"...It gives you an erection, it wins the election..."
It wouldn't surprise me at all that North Korea or their western partners have decided they want a piece of this scam by turning some unpalatable unheard of plant / berry / fruit into a "super drink".
Next - maybe they're figure out a way to produce more food so that they're people won't be starving to death and in complete poverty.
hahahaha ...and cures flu, ingrown toenail, evil eye, voodoo blackmagic and windows security issues.....hmmm naaaaa not windows security issues hahahahahhahaha
I think death is the "exile of life". Elixir?
I can't believe you don't know what a Hasemalphaginnojinglanaporphomism is.
Since it multiplies brain cells the "eternal leader" of North Korea will look much more like the cartoon character in Team America.
We need to send Hans Brrrrix to stop their nuclear fusion power program. Make sure he deals with the laser beam equipped sharks first.
Tisha Hayes
Because technically, death does prevent aging.
Ed R.Zahurak
You know, oblivion keeps looking better every day.
i use that little x in the top corner of the browser when I notice that slashdot is wasting too much of my time...
I've got you one even better. You can just drink some embalming fluid - that should pretty much guarantee that you are 'preserved' forever.
This can make Kim Jong Ill turn to Kim Jong Ok
Juche juice: made with 100% crackpot, quasi-communist ideology!
Re: the article, "I'll believe that when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet!"
If you believe in privacy, and believe you have "nothing to hide" at the same time, you're a goddammed idiot
but he never cries.
Wow, did they hire the National Enquirer as their official news agency? Soon they will have a Bat-Boy and make up things about our celebrities.
And I wouldn't be surprised if this miracle drink ends up in the US. For North Korea it means some hard currency selling some revolting concoction of inedible weeds & berries. For investors, it gives them a wedge to drive into the already crowded snake oil market.
Press coverage like the BBC has given is useful because it means they don't have to claim health benefits themselves, they can just refer back to the story.
No different than the food supplements in America. They make all these claims and then some.
Yeah, supplements that make carefully worded claims followed by disclaimers that the FDA hasn't evaluated any of those claims is TOTALLY like the North Korean government making outlandish claims.
"Drink this, and you won't age another day."
Yeah, no thanks.
Anyone who's ridden a tro-tro and listened to the patent medicine seller knows that if it doesn't cure hemorrhoids and "female diseases", it probably isn't worth buying.
We need a "+1 -- nice sig" moderation.
Oh c'mon. Our soda vendors have made more outragous claims in the past.
Why can't you be glad that the North Koreans now have marketing and advertising, too? They're on the way to a true free market, filled with outragous claims of ordinary products!
Be happy and celebrate, citizens, they'll soon be as good off as we all are!
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
It's the same disease that infected MMS and probably contributed to the Gulf oils spill. It ultimately stems from politicians who are corrupt, blind, or both.
Oh, and they quash any attempt to label food as "GMO free", as it apparently hurts the[ir] business ... Which would be Monsanto, the single most evil corporation in the solar system.
If not, they're darn close:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/67878/the-future-of-food
(Warning: weak ending / pitiful call-to-action. Has a decent rundown of Monsanto, though.)
I won't join Slashcott. OTOH, If Beta goes live, I just won't be back until it's fixed. Sorry Dice.
While reading this post I found myself wondering where the OMG!!! Ponies!!! /. theme was and had to check the date to be sure it wasn't in fact April Fools
Gee, I didn't realize that they had hired Pat Robertson!
Similar to the upcoming US election results
It, with effects of both preventive and curative treatment, helps improve mental and retentive faculties by multiplying brain cells.
This must be why the Dear Leader's head is so swelled.
"Who are in control, they are not in control of anything - they don't even control themselves!" - Glen Beck
Let me play Devil's Advocate first. Maybe they DID develop such a super drink. It might not be as effective as the marketing is saying, but North Korea has the resources. More importantly, none of the ethical concerns the west have.
I am not saying he is developing a race of super-mutant solders there. I am just saying that, if true, this thing was made with deaths of countless desperate citizens and/or political prisoners.
Brings up the old Nazi argument on the medical experiments they did on the Jews. People will always say its not worth the loss in lives for the data they collected. Though, now that they are dead and that data could cure millions of people, its like the argument changes for some reason.
because that's pretty hilarious sir.
This stuff prevents heart muscle? Sweet!
I'm waiting for Kevin Trudeau to release a book titled, "Nuclear Fusion secrets THEY don't want you to know."
At least now we know who "They" are.
Slowly waving my hand - "This is not the sig you are looking for."
They discovered the key ingredients... Water and Sperm of Zeus!!
This sounds totally legit. You should drink some.
KJI has been using it for years!
"The only legitimate use of a computer is to play games." - Eugene Jarvis
Water? Like in the toilet?
It used to, but stupid people can't tell the difference between an actual product benefit and a figure of speech.
Just one sip of this magic elixir will invigorate, exacerbate, collaborate, and dilate every muscle in your body. An old man will feel young, a young man will feel wise! I didn't know it was the 1800s all over again.
Please do not become on outlet for this type of nonsense.
What next? Yeti 'sightings'? Interview with drunk rednecks about anal probing?
The Kruger Dunning explains most post on
Care to sight an example?
The Kruger Dunning explains most post on
It won't end up in the US because the US won't import anything from the DPRK.
http://www.census.gov/foreign-trade/balance/c5790.html#2008
Theres been what, 1.5 million dollars in trade since 2000, those must have something to do with the starvation aid and the process to get them to end the nuclear weapons program.
I'd love to know what Mona Vie sellers would make of this drink. Presumably because it's not using THEIR magic berry, it isn't legit...?
I do not want your cheap brainburning drugs. They are useless for work. And I am a working man today.
Moranbong Carbonated Fruit Juice Joint Venture Company, how could it possibly fail?!
Red Balls? Red Brain? Gives you Wings?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.