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Oracle's Ellison Accused of Running Executive Fighting Ring

Posted by Soulskill on from the my-money's-on-ballmer-if-he-can-wield-chairs dept.

Mr. Shotgun writes "SEC investigators Jedi Vulcans Cylons claim to have broken up an underground fighting ring in which participants beat each other bloody dueled with lightsabers battled in mind melds nuked Caprica . To add insult to injury, the victors then brokered business deals that skirted US securities law and deprived the losers of valuable stock options midichlorians katras skinjobs . The mastermind behind the Silicon Valley fight club is alleged to be eccentric billionaire and Oracle CEO Larry Ellison Mace Windu Sarek, son of Skon GE toaster ."

37 of 56 comments (clear)

  1. I would watch that by Stenchwarrior · · Score: 4, Funny

    I would so pay to watch Silicon Valley geeks kick each others' asses. They could easily get their own network.

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    1. Re:I would watch that by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1

      If Larry had actually set up this thing, it would be the first good thing he has ever done. I'd pay to watch him do the "iron man" against all comers. (I don't know if people still call it this, but back in High School when I wrestled they would set up some of our training practices as "iron man" where you had to wrestle 5 people in a row for 1 minute each, then you went to the end of the line and another person was "iron man" for 5 minutes. After doing this for 20 minutes you were dead tired!). I'd love to see everyone get to bash Larry.

    2. Re:I would watch that by Tobenisstinky · · Score: 2

      My money's on Monkey Boy!

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      wha'? where am i?
    3. Re:I would watch that by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1

      Larry Ellison IS Iron Main. It wouldn't be a fair match, he'd just put on his flying metal suit and pummel everyone.

    4. Re:I would watch that by thatskinnyguy · · Score: 1

      Why would CEO GE Toaster do such a thing?!

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      The game.
    5. Re:I would watch that by Jeff+DeMaagd · · Score: 1

      What is Iron Main? I kid. The personality for Tony Stark in the Iron Man movies is supposedly based on Elon Musk, that's what the disc extras say anyway.

    6. Re:I would watch that by Darinbob · · Score: 2

      This fight brought to you by... Torgo's Executive Powder!

    7. Re:I would watch that by wisty · · Score: 1

      Isn't he also the bad guy (or dummy bad guy) from Charlie's Angles 2. Also, a minor villain from Angel (War Zone, Lenny Edwards?) seems to be based on him.

      Of course, Larry is just a Russian accent, hairless cat and giant laser away from being a parody of a Bond villian.

  2. I AM TURDULUS by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1

    I am the lord of turd posts.

    1. Re:I AM TURDULUS by proverbialcow · · Score: 1

      Wow, FYAD on /. - the implications are horrifying.

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      The only surefire protection against Microsoft infections is abstinence. - The Onion
  3. Slashdot employs professional proofreader by Hazel+Bergeron · · Score: 4, Funny

    Launched in 1996, technology-related news web site Slashdot has been sloshing around the Intertubes for almost 17 years, attracting a wide share of geeks and their mothers when they walk into the basement and glance at the screen. But, as this paragraph shows, summaries have been rife with trivial factual, spelling and grammatical errors. After a three month consultation with users completed by impartial research group IDG, Slashdot's parent company have decided to take the giant leap of employing a single, full-time proofreader for all article submissions. This proofreader, who will start his work about 10 minutes from now, will be charged with ensuring that every T is dotted and every I crossed. Apostrophe's will be correctly placed, giving a better reader experience then ever before. UNIX and MAC users will be united in common enjoyment of queen's American English. The proofreader will also be responsible for dupe and repetition control. Which begs the question: how can we make Slashdot aeven better?

  4. The first rule of Oracle: by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2

    You DON'T talk about Oracle!

  5. First Rule... by nschubach · · Score: 2

    The first rule of Ellison's Fight Club is you don't talk about Ellison's Fight Club.

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    Every time I start to have faith in humanity, I ruin it by driving to work between 7 and 8 am.
  6. OMG, a wet dream come true... by Super+Dave+Osbourne · · Score: 1

    I would love to see that happen. Tech 'gurus' against cartoon channel execs.

  7. Stop (+1) by slshwtw · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Excuse me while I mine +1 insightful mods by complaining about how much this site sucks on April Fools each year.

    1. Re:Stop (+1) by Scott+Scott · · Score: 1

      Quick, everyone mod up the above poster as anything but insightful. =P

  8. Been done before by proverbialcow · · Score: 1

    So...the /. eds are finally reading "Ambient" by Jack Womack?

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    The only surefire protection against Microsoft infections is abstinence. - The Onion
  9. Re:Enough. by Allicorn · · Score: 1

    I agree. And when's this new Pony-based look & feel ever going to be finished. I've been waiting bloody years!

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    OMG!!! Ponies!!!
  10. Eh... by fuzzyfuzzyfungus · · Score: 1

    An underground fight club is the sort of thing that Broadcom's Henry Nicholas would have been a much more plausible pick for.

    Sure, you barely count as a CEO these days if you don't have the SEC on your back; but not everyone mixes wild parties, hard drugs, doping clients, and building a secret sex dungeon under his house while his wife is on vacation, with run of the mill options backdating...

  11. Re:Enough. by Saffire · · Score: 2

    Lighten up. I happen to enjoy reading these articles. If you don't like them why don't you just come back tomorrow?

  12. Took about long enough. by Steauengeglase · · Score: 1

    Finally, an April Fools day story that I honestly had to think twice about.

    1. Re:Took about long enough. by ackthpt · · Score: 2

      Finally, an April Fools day story that I honestly had to think twice about.

      The true art of successful April Fools gags is that they have a high degree of believability to them - e.g. Your shoe is untied (assuming you are wearing shoes and they have laces)

      Claiming that NASA have found traces of Green Cheese on the moon would only fool the extremely naive.

      Claiming Larry Ellison is bare-knuckling it with other tech people would be quite a stretch.

      Claiming Larry Ellison has made a move to buy out Apple would have people reading on and possibly some foolish people running out to buy Apple stock or sell Oracle stock and therefore would be more effective.

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      A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
  13. +1 (in the slashdot sense, not the google sense) by circletimessquare · · Score: 1

    my favorite fake slashdot story all day

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    intellectual property law is philosophically incoherent. it is your moral duty to ignore it or sabotage it
  14. How it would play out by ackthpt · · Score: 2

    I would love to see that happen. Tech 'gurus' against cartoon channel execs.

    Wet noodles at 10 paces.

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    A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
  15. Mod points on April Fools by ackthpt · · Score: 1

    Why not make mods, all, add the absolute value of points, so modding down moves even the rotten up? They should all be for fun and not count anyway.

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    A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
  16. "better reader experience then ever before" by chuckugly · · Score: 1

    Than, then, whatever ...

    1. Re:"better reader experience then ever before" by greeze · · Score: 1

      Whoosh!

  17. Re:Enough. by Mr.+Shotgun · · Score: 1

    Sorry, I tried to tag the submission AprilFools when I submitted it so people could feel free to ignore the article. Yet for some reason the tag was gone when it made the main page.

    I know not everyone enjoys the silliness that is April Fools and realize it must be exhausting to be inundated with mile after mile of random nonsense. Yet I got a bit of a chuckle out of this nonsense story, imagining Ellison as a back ally bookie. So I figured I would share it with others. Sorry it ruined your whole day, but it's almost over.

    --
    Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the (supposed) good of its victims may be the most oppressive
  18. Re:Enough. by Jeff+DeMaagd · · Score: 1

    I agree. Slashdot's April Fools tradition gets a bit old. This one falls apart badly too, it could have been so much better without the sci-fi references.

  19. Re:Enough. by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1

    Lighten up. I happen to enjoy reading these articles. If you don't like them why don't you just come back tomorrow?

    Because if he wasn't wasting time on Slashdot, he might actually have to do real work.

  20. Re:I would watch that - it exists by seifried · · Score: 1

    http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/multimedia/2006/05/fightclub, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13037439/ns/technology_and_science-tech_and_gadgets/, http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/2006-05-29-fight-club_x.htm.

  21. First rule of geek fight club.... by lindoran · · Score: 2

    don't talk to the SEC about Geek Fight Club.

  22. Is anybody out there? by kyrio · · Score: 1

    Hello?

  23. No, no, no .... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1

    the first trigger of ELLISONS_FIGHT_CLUB is:

    SELECT nothing INTO ELLISONS_FIGHT_CLUB.TALK FROM discussion WHERE TALK is NULL;

  24. Ellison is affraid of Chuck Norris by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1

    Everybody is. But he's not a CEO.
    That's the catch.

  25. Re:Enough. by FatLittleMonkey · · Score: 1

    Whereas I'm sick of people bitching about every single fucking April Fool's Day story. You don't like them, we get it already. It's one day. Log off. Go outside.

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    Science is all about firing a drunk pig out of a cannon just to see what happens.
  26. Former Sun employees by Tisha_AH · · Score: 1

    They ran out of Sun employees who were used for bear baiting.

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    Tisha Hayes