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Fetus Don't Fail Me Now: How Scientists Raise Children
An anonymous reader writes "In the latest column from scientist, humor columnist, and stand-up comedian Adam Ruben, he examines his own umbilicus and considers how being a scientist will affect his approach to raising his only slightly post-fetal child. From the article: 'I don't know how other prospective fathers treat their wives' pregnancies, but I saw it as a science project. It had a protocol, parameters, a timeline, and even the one item that makes funding agencies happy: a deliverable. I found myself poking at my wife's abdomen, asking, "Who's Daddy's little gestating blastocyst? Who's recapitulating phylogeny?"'"
'I don't know how other prospective fathers treat their wives' pregnancies, but I saw it as a science project.'
5, 4, actually no, probably the minute she reads your blog.
Icon: Darwin Award Boy?
Data show that having children decreases happiness. They also eat a lot of your time (which could be better spent doing science) and they're extremely expensive (scientists don't get paid that much). Knowing this, why would anyone who respects data have children?
Give me Classic Slashdot or give me death!
This reminds me of one of those "Autistic Reporter" stories at the Onion News Network.
Fortunately, nature generally is pretty good at stopping scientists from reproducing--which may ultimately be for the best. I can really only take so much of there pedantic over-analysis of even the most trivial things. I guarantee you that, even now, a scientist reading /. is furiously typing away at his keyboard to point out the fact that I misused "there" in my previous sentence.
SJW: Someone who has run out of real oppression, and has to fake it.
-1 grammar troll :)
-Xoltri
1) You never bug a pregnant, hormonal woman. EVER.
2) You never refer to fetus as a blastocyst, parasite, or nickname him "blobby"
3) The only acceptable response is "Yes dear, no dear, I will rub your feet right away dear".
4) Never tell her that stretch marks are camoflauge to help her hide in the tall grass to escape predators.
5) In the later stages of pregnancy, when she is immoble, that is not an opportunity to dutch oven or teabag her.
6) Never refer to pregnant sex as "intercourse and a handjob all in one", otherwise you will not get intercourse OR a handjob.
Learn from my mistakes young nerdlings. Oh, and if you'er wondering, I'm still married. Why, I know not.
Feed the need: Digitaladdiction.net
Slashdotted within 5 comments.
Abortion has been around since before ancient Greece existed. We just use more sophisticated methods now.
At times like this I wish that I was a stupid, shallow person rather than a scientist -- just so that my children don't end up with the long list of psychoses that that child will end up with.
(Don't get me wrong: it is important to raise creative and rational children. But treating them as a science experiment, even in good humour, is going to be damaging.)
So does sex. Note that scientific jargon doesn't usually make good pillow talk.
It must have been something you assimilated. . . .
while (1){ fork(); ); // Hope derivatives will achieve far more success
Encryption: I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend your right to encrypt it...
Definite science project. The whole thing from wooing to breeding to birth to development through adulthood. We spaced ours apart by five years so we could repeat the experiments to test for statistical validity in our sample set. The cool part is you can let the kids participate in, at least some, of the experiment. Kids are great fun!
I wish I would have seen you're post 5 years ago. +1 informative!
"Ubuntu" -- an African word, meaning "Slackware is too hard for me". - stolen from Dan C alt.os.linux.slackware
Agree with all of the above. When I referred to our "little blastocyst" my wife got upset and chided me for not knowing that by three weeks we most certainly had a gastrula.
Yay for fast clicking. You're should be your.
"Ubuntu" -- an African word, meaning "Slackware is too hard for me". - stolen from Dan C alt.os.linux.slackware
These days a fetus is lucky to even have a crack at life.
Or a life of crack.
(rimshot)
Thank you!
(bows)
Ummm... nobody actually. I'm always amazed to find that people are still taught that and believe it. Haven't they ever heard of DNA? Perhaps his joke went "wooosh". I sure hope he was joking.
Recapitulation Theory
Cwm, fjord-bank glyphs vext quiz
Without RTFA, I guess there isn't much here in terms of humor or science. I mean talk of an experiment with "protocol, parameters, a timeline, and..a deliverable," but no control?
Weak sauce.
take away valuable time better spent playing World of WarCraft.
http://www.ted.com/talks/rufus_griscom_alisa_volkman_let_s_talk_parenting_taboos.html Let's talk parenting taboos: Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman
here is a TED talk that takes that first data point on decreased happiness and digs deeper.
You never refer to fetus as a blastocyst, parasite,
No kidding! A parasite reduces the host's reproductive efficacy!
You'd have to be a gibbering idiot or completely ignorant of the foundations of evolutionary biology to refer to a fetus as a parasite.
Blasphemy is a human right. Blasphemophobia kills.
Yeah they also brought the field of modern medicine which has saved far more.
Before science it wasn't too uncommon for a woman to die during childbirth and the survival rate of children has risen drastically. So if you really cared about fetuses being born and having life you would encourage science.
Of course science also sometimes speaks against religions when the evidence points that way and it teaches people to think and criticize thought and knowledge both are very dangerous to the religious mind.
I tell my girlfriend that I want twins, that way I can name one "Control". With Triplets you'd even be able to do 2 different studies.
I think I may once have referred to my daughter, before I knew she was a daughter, as a zygote, and I did often refer to her as a fetus. However, my wife did the same. Also, since my wife has various health issues (celiac disease and tyroid problems), we were always treating it as a schedule to follow with milestones and all sorts of measurements. None of this seemed conspicuously unusual to either of us, except perhaps for a combination or envy and pity for those people who people who know nothing about any of this.
No, I think what he was saying is that by a very real property of genetics your point of view on offspring cannot be a prevailing opinion for long. At most, until a single generation dies off, or a specific social culture dies off, but either way such an opinion cannot continue to thrive indefinitely because the genes for it (if any exist) will not be passed down, and the particular world experiences that structured that kind of mind cannot be taught in the absence of children.
FanFictionRecs.net
Yeah, and carpenters are responsible for building abortion clinics. Wake up, people! Carpenters are murderers!
Y'know... Come to think of it, wasn't Jesus a carpenter?
Ahh - My eye!
The doctor said I'm not supposed to get Slashdot in it!
Is a scientist got laid. And his partner kept it.
Which puts her in a group of 2, not since Kathleen Fent has a woman loved such a humongous geek. :-)
Slashdot's rate-of-post filter: Preventing you from posting too many great ideas at once.
No kidding! A parasite reduces the host's reproductive efficacy!
well, technically a fetus is a barrier to it's host becoming pregnant.....I think you just added to 'parasite' argument rather than detract from it.
HA! I just wasted some of your bandwidth with a frivolous sig!
Who's Daddy's little gestating blastocyst? Who's recapitulating phylogeny?
That'll make for some great home movies! And people wonder why kids don't want to go into science these days...
"One swallows the lie that flatters, but sips the bitter truth drop by drop." --Diderot
Scientists are responsible for bringing abortion into the world. These days a fetus is lucky to even have a crack at life.
We scientists also proved to the rest of you that sperm were not complete, though small humans, thus masturbation is not a waste of human life as the religious medicine men were saying it was. So you're able to self-pleasure without feeling guilty about it.
You're welcome.
7) Never assume that when a guy is a humor columnist and a stand up comedian he might not be intending things completely seriously.
Sheesh.
2) You never refer to fetus as a blastocyst, parasite, or nickname him "blobby"
Totally. If you actually -do- have a blastocyst, you wouldn't know it. The blastocyst stage is over by two weeks after conception. You can't tell if a woman is pregnant even via pregnancy test until the blastocyst stage is over. Calling it that would just be plain INACCURATE. I guess you could have sex and then start saying that 5 to 6 days later, but you wouldn't actually know for certain at that time. No self-respecting scientist would do that.
Oh, also it might annoy your wife/baby mama, but that's beside the point.
My first word was "Light", not Mama or Dada.
As a 6 year old boy I black-mailed my parents into subscribing to scientific journals and magazines (discovered via articles referencing them I read in the library). Ethics be damned, I knew all about many of their embarrassing secrets, esp. their gossip of others -- Someone had to take charge of my learning. In their ignorance, they couldn't see the value in feeding a young mind's thirst for knowledge with anything other than Sesame Street, Legos and 3-2-1 Contact. Money was not the issue, I saw many purchases attributed to leisure, and offered to give up my own current & future toys in exchange for knowledge.
I eventually came to respect my parents, but not until they had respected me as sentient member of the family (not an unquestionably obedient pet to be amused with mere toys). "Because I told you to, and I'm your Parent!", was never a logical argument -- It was tyrannical, and I revolted as any free-thinker would to tyranny. They eventually learned that respectfully explained commands worked far better: "Go to bed early so that you'll be refreshed, we have an earlier schedule than normal tomorrow morning." or "Go to your room, I'm upset enough to be irrational!" or "Mom and Dad need some alone time -- could you go play outside or at the neighbors?"
Perhaps having to explain yourself to a child is outrageous -- I say that to do otherwise is to foster ignorance, misunderstanding and thus irrational anger.
For my initial "insolence" and "ungrateful" attitude I suffered copious amounts of corporal punishment (it had little to no effect on my mind -- only reasoning did), but my unlucky parents suffered too under the burden of psychological warfare as I pitted one side against the other; Eg. placing Dad's porno under Mom's pillow, or putting things from Dad's wallet into Mom's purse -- there are so many little things that irritate adults.
My parents finally came to realize that they should also be grateful that they didn't have to talk down to me, or worry about censoring the world for me -- I knew what not to say and when not to say it, and right from wrong because they told me these things. They became grateful that they could simply say: "Sorry, that's too expensive, or dangerous I won't change my mind", and I would understand -- instead of arguing, whining, or throwing a temper-tantrum in public as other children sometimes do.
If you are of a strong scientific mind and high intellect: Toss out everything you know of the parent / child roles. Treat your children as you would like them to treat you, or as adults treat each other -- With respect. If they disrespect you, discipline them, but if you disrespect them, they will discipline you (what do you think an embarrassing fit of kicking and screaming is?).
A wife would be outraged at being sent to her room by a Husband, or vise versa. -- Indeed it may be best at times to calm down after a bit of distance and time, tell your children this, they will be less prone to irritate you if they can tell what's irritating. Oft times the whole issue can be avoided with a bit of communication: "Please stop that, I don't like it when you do that." You do not have to abandon your role as parent -- "Trust me, son, I can't explain why but you shouldn't do that" or "I need you to do this for me..."
Scientists beware -- Your genes may cause you to spawn a "monster" such as me -- A thirsty mind frustrated by its role as a child.
Of course, opinions can be spread through the internet nowadays. Parenting is only part of the equation now, and for some kids it's getting smaller and smaller.
no need for the (pregnant) imo
Science doesn't speak against religions, Religions get all nervous and feel undermined by what science says, then try and control the information any way they can
7) Don't tell her that *she* wanted a baby during labor pains. I did this and almost got killed on the spot...
Absolutely agree, shame that the stereotyped nerdographic on slashdot are kinda unfamiliar with sunlight, (non-inflatable)girls etc ;)
Different people have different priorities, and find happiness in different things. This doesn't make any of them wrong or bad.
True, although in our case, my wife referred to our daughter affectionately as Blasty well into the pregnancy.
She also sang Frank Sinatra ("I get a kick out of you") to the fetus every day for 7 months or so, so she could compare the response post-partum to a control (Dean Martin). Results were inconclusive. We're considering another trial.
Regardless, after a single generation, either the species dies or the people who believe otherwise control the earth.
FanFictionRecs.net
Nop. When overpopulation comes up, people will start thinking of solutions. Just like they do with any other problem that comes up. And there'll always be people who'd just choose not to procreate.
You don't seem to understand that the mindset simply comes from the situation.. even if all the people who believe we should breed less were to die out, the idea would still resurface soon enough if we grow big enough again, as a species, to make unsustainable resources an issue again.
Babies and children are natural born scientists. They are born a blank slate and they learn, through trial and error, to walk, talk, predict and reason about the world around them. Everyone is born a scientist. The real mystery is at what point do people lose their inner scientist and is it squeezed out of them by society?
Every kid repeatedly smashing an object out of curiosity is a miniature particle physicist - putting energy into a system to see what happens.
My wife and I called our youngest "Smudge" from the first smudgy ultrasound until birth. The nickname was picked up quickly and well received by our extended families.
...Though some of her blog readers were rather put off by our seemingly insensitive choice of name for a son.
>> Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
AND it also proved that men were responsible for determining the sex of their children, eliminating a major excuse men used to control the behaviour of women. Yay science!
Uh, "if it looks roughly mouse-shaped according to my infra-red sensitive pit, eat it"? --Chris Burke 09-08-10
Plus he was chummy with the whores. Those folks that were most likely to have knowledge of, and do abortions. Geeze, what a bleeding heart, half ass Christian he was...
Explain #6 better please, I have a very twisted image in my head that I hope you didn't really mean.
I propose the Catholic Church hierarchy as a significant counterexample to your supposition. They refuse to make a significant distinction between a fetus, an embryo, a blastocyst, or even a potentially fertilized egg, yet they appear to consider it a very major thing.
Laissez lire, et laissez danser; ces deux amusements ne feront jamais de mal au monde. - Voltaire
Or the idea will come too late, you'll have overcommitment of resources beyond sustainability, leading to mass starvation and/or war over dwindling resources. Haviland Tuf is a recommended read.
Laissez lire, et laissez danser; ces deux amusements ne feront jamais de mal au monde. - Voltaire
I once said we were wetting the baby's head while having pregnant sex. Didn't say that again......
"I have the attention span of a strobe lit goldfish, please get to the point quickly!"
Considering doing something similar, reading books aloud to one of my unborn children.
My mom read to me every day in the womb, I love books as much as her. She didn't do the same for my sister, who doesn't read much at all. I doubt there's much in that, but who knows –a job for SCIENCE!
Probably not. He will have a restraining order filed against him. Seriously, scientists raise kids just like everybody else. This guy is simply obsessive and some time in the loony ward could fix him up.
Geeks are so full of shit that "beating the crap out of them" takes a whole new meaning.
Adults are failed children.
Not sure if you were joking but science is the reason most of our kids don't die before reaching age 1.
const int one = 65536; (Silvermoon, Texture.cs)
SJW, n: "Someone I don't like, and by the way I'm a fuckwit" - AC
yup, ease up at the end or you blow the balls off...
Cheap storage VM.
The biggest problem to a tribe w/ slow breeding, is the fast breeding tribe looking at their land...
Cheap storage VM.
Well, that's one solution. Not the prettiest, but it will likely work. (not the war, but famine)
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful.
Phil: Blobby, like Bobby, only with an l
Lem: Don't name it or you won't want to eat it. Remember Chester the carrot?
Phil: Yeah, I miss him
I totally agree that each person should decide whether to have kids. I apologize; I saw an inflammatory comment and I responded with another inflammatory comment slanted the other direction.
On the other hand, I do agree that the tendency to not have kids will self correct, and I'd rather it's the thinking people correcting it than Idiocrats.
Good. Abort 'em all, I say.
Fortunately, nature generally is pretty good at stopping scientists from reproducing--which may ultimately be for the best. I can really only take so much of there pedantic over-analysis of even the most trivial things
Yeah, stupid people often have a gut-level reaction - ranging from trepidation to outright fear - when dealing with subjects which they are poorly equipped to understand. This reaction is readily transformed into hostility aimed at those without such limitations.
Oh, right ... big words ... sorry, I'll translate: Don't worry! You're perfectly normal!