Slashdot Mirror
TSA Log Shows Passengers Say the Darndest Things
coondoggie writes "There is no humor in an airport. It's a fact. And while most travelers business or otherwise know that, there are a few out there who haven't gotten the message or perhaps the choose to ignore it. Either way the 'People Say the Darndest Things' or 'What Not to Say at an Airport' section has become one of the more popular destinations on the TSA Blog site."
The collected wit and wisdom of airline passengers linked unfortunately does not distinguish between stupidity (claiming that you have a bomb to get through security faster) and seemingly sensible questions that get at the heart of the problems with the current and long-running engagement of Homeland Security Theater. (It's also hard to know whether some passengers might have innocently thought their tone, facial expression, body language or context would have served as notice that they weren't actually threatening murder.)
Repeats the same three anecdotes 11 times. Stupid people will say the word "bomb" sarcastically. Headline news.
I was going through security one time and had to be patted down. The guy behind me in line decided to be a joker and made a comment along the lines of "they could at least give you a drink for this!". I was really expecting them to unleash the dogs on him for that, but they let him through with just the usual scan. I'm not sure if he would have been so lucky had we been at a larger airport.
So I would say the TSA agents do have some latitude on what they do - but I wouldn't recommend testing it if you want to make it on time to your flight.
Damn_registrars has no butt-hole. Damn_registrars has no use for a butt-hole.
If you say the wrong thing you go to jail but if you try to smuggle on a suspected bottle of liquid explosive they just toss it in the trash and let you get on the plane.
Seriously-- the TSA needs to lighten up. The lines at the airports are frustrating and the agents should understand that people say these sorts of things as jokes ALL THE TIME. Besides, it's not as if someone who really plans on doing something to a plane would actually outright state, in a joking manner no less, that they have a bomb.
The layout of this article was awful. Here's the print version so you can see them all on one page.
Taking guns away from the 99% gives the 1% 100% of the power.
Don't go near the TSA blog. You might be exposed to illusion shattering reality like the 27 loaded firearms the TSA discovered among passenger carry-on last week.
One was merely insensitive: the passenger asked a flight attendant if she'd ever been hijacked. Is causing butthurt a federal crime now?
Gamingmuseum.com: Give your 3D accelerator a rest.
The TSA should just say back "I have a gun" and fire at the persons head, the sooner we can weed out the mentally dysfunctional ( that WEREN'T born that way ) the sooner we can start regaining intelligence.
...was the bomb.
Every comment is about a bomb or explosives. This is a no-brainer. People are just upset about the TSA delay and lashing out.
I have a very similar sense of humor, and could see saying something like this. But not at airport. And not at the TSA. I don't know if people just lack the common sense or the social skills to realize this is not the right place or time. And it sounds like in most cases they get checked 'just in case' but nothing too over the top. If someone was charged for making a bad joke, then I'd be complaining that the TSA was over the top as well.
I will shred my adversaries. Pull their eyes out just enough to turn them towards their mewing, mutilated faces. Illyria
The best part is this: http://www.networkworld.com/community/blog/hockey-sticks-pocket-knives-and-billiard-cues-among-carry-items-tsa-will-soon-let-onboard-planes
So, the TSA is still going to judge us for potential thoughtcrime, grope us, and detain people for making (albeit stupid) jokes, but they're going to let POCKETKNIVES back onto planes? Really?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of a pocketknife. I'm just amused (horrified) that they're letting the thing that caused this whole mess back on the plane, but not abolishing the TSA or their fascist policies.
Support the EFF and Creative Commons. The war is coming, and they're supporting you...
"...invisible to your imaging scanners."
Then, watch them sorting it out.
Ezekiel 23:20
The first time I flew was in the 70's and I can remember seeing signs at the security checkpoints warning against joking about guns or bombs. It's not something distinctive to the TSA.
Proverbs 21:19
OK. Here's the deal. If they take it seriously and believe me when I say "I have a bomb," then why would they distrust me when I say "I don't have a bomb or gun or knife or anything dangerous" and let me skip the screening. Really, WTF? They're gonna search everyone, right? Then why the fuck do they care what they say? Because catching smartasses is easier than catching terrorists?
I am not a crackpot.
Yeah, yeah, it's really dumb to suggest you have a bomb at the airport. But, in reality, if a terrorist was trying to detonate a bomb at the airport or on a plane, they wouldn't tell anyone. The whole reason for the overreaction from the TSA is because they think if there really was a bomb they would look extra dumb if it turned out the terrorist told them about the bomb and they still didn't find it.
If some guy says he has a bomb, but he clearly doesn't, he's either an idiot or trying to create a distraction. By closing down the airport, you either allow his idiocy to cause real damage to the economy and inconvenience people. If he was trying to create a distraction, you allowed him to succeed.
Obviously if someone might actually be a real threat, you do what needs to be done to keep people safe. But in every single one of these cases, it seems that it could be ascertained fairly quickly that they pose no real threat even if they suggested they might. I don't mind questioning these idiots in the back for a few hours, but let everything else continue normally.
What - real - terrorist would say in the face of the security that he have a bomb (or better, a nuclear one) in your luggage?
Religion: The greatest weapon of mass destruction of all time
Really every one involved a Bomb. You can't have an article on people saying the darndest things and every thing be a Bomb threat. Seriously the title should be look at this 100 people that made a bomb threat that were jokes.
None of them are actually funny, at least in print. Nearly all involve passengers attempting to say "I have a bomb" in a humorous manner in some capacity. Now I'd love to see the TSA abolished as much as the next Slashdotter, but I for one don't find bomb jokes funny in the context of an airport.
Now, if you want to read something regarding airlines that are actually funny, might I recommend either this or this, or this.
The layout is awful, some of the darndest things are listed twice, who submits this crap and who *approves* it?
So some people claim they have a bomb to go through a security theatre zone faster? Where are they rushing to? Gitmo?
You can't handle the truth.
Other things you should avoid saying before boarding Fascist Airlines USA:
- you're spending a lot of time searching that child's crotch for nuclear weapons, aren't you?
- is this search actually legal?
- are the backscatter x-ray machines safe?
- my last name kind of sounds arabic, should I... *
* flyer is usually being cavity searched before question is finished
The first "this" in the prior post is supposed to be this link:
http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm
Next time, I shall use the 'preview' button to actually preview.
An Atlanta passenger approached a flight attendant and asked her if she had ever been hijacked before.
I'm guessing since it made it into the TSA hall of shame, it didn't work out too well.
Then does the TSA hire them?
There is nothing wrong with yr Internet. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling the transmission - NSA
I wonder if they would find the following luggage tag funny:
"This bag has been outfitted with a GPS device. It will explode if it fails to reach its intended destination. Please exercise special care regarding this bag. Thank you."
Would that make them more or less likely to lose my luggage?
We're a Police State Superpower.
There's a difference.
-- Tigger warning: This post may contain tiggers! --
From the article:
"After learning that his luggage had made a flight that he missed, a Las Vegas (LAS) passenger told the gate agent: "Imagine there was a bomb in my bag. I'm not on plane, and it would explode."
Which is something I could conceivably say myself as well. Haven't we agreed (Lockerbie bombing and all that) that no plane shall carry the luggage of a passenger who isn't on board? Yet this policy still isn't be followed in domestic US flights and various European airlines. If you want to ensure the safety of flights wouldn't this be your starting point?
I don't know what they did to the guy that said this. But it baffles me how the TSA would quote this on their site as an example of something that's not acceptable to say. That they picked this over any other comment that could have potentially shown them in better light (as opposed to people that punish and ridicule those who criticise them) shows just how out of touch the entire thing has got.
A few years ago I made the mistake of grabbing something to eat outside the SeaTac security theater zone when I was in a hurry. There was no line (very late at night) but the flight was leaving soon, so I asked "Does my burrito constitute a 'tube of gel' or can I take it through to the boarding area?" Three luggage monkeys wearing aviator glasses at night and a harrumphing silverback later, they came to a conclusion.
They x-rayed my burrito.
How is it possible for me to take them seriously? I do risk management for a living, and -- while my jackass question and their retarded response was funny at the time -- there's no way to examine the situation that doesn't indicate heightened overall risk due to bewildered agents looking for irrelevant indicators. Sure, morons joking about a bomb and the forgetful gun-toter need to be weeded out, but neither is a material risk to the lives of anyone on a flight. A good revamp of the TSA would start from undesirable risk outcomes and work its way back to a determination of effective controls... nah. Not gonna happen.
I think not...(*poof*)
My flight out of Boston, leaving PAX East, I had ab 800-count card box full of different card games in my carry-on (couldn't fit it in the checked bags). When that went through the scanner, they said, "what the heck is that?" I told them, a guy made a joke asking if I had any Black Lotus' in there, I joked back, they scanned the box specially by itself and then my whole bag one more time to be safe, we chatted for a minute about PAX in the meantime (the one guy is planning to take his son next year), I thanked them and was on my way.
They're just people. If you're nice, they'll tend to be nice. If you're a giant, flaming douche, you get what you give.
Never greet him at the airport.
I guess Mormon missionaries sometimes/frequently get in trouble at airports because they will refer to the Book of Mormon as the B.O.M. and somebody will overhear them.
At least, this was a story I heard way back when, pre 9/11 days.
I always thought all TSA agents lacked a sense of humor, until my last trip to the airport that is. It was 6:30 in the morning and I had just passed through the body scanner. The TSA agent told me to wait. Then he told me I could continue. While picking up my stuff from the x-ray machine I turned back to him and asked, "Could you see my junk on the screen?" I was surprised he busted out laughing instead of putting me in hand cuffs.
aka the hamburger, don't carry it in your bag or at least, don't call it 'grease bomb' :)
During a bag search at Dallas (DAL), a passenger stated: "I'm a terrorist."
Sure, perhaps that his job, but that doesn't mean he has a bomb or is going to threaten the plane.
He could simply be on his way to a convention, reunion or visit with friends out-of-town.
Even terrorists have mundane things to do - grocery shop, yard/house work, dentist appts...
It must have been something you assimilated. . . .
You know you thought about this. http://xkcd.com/651/
"Caaaaart!"
What if everyone started wearing t-shirts...
"TSA = Totally Senseless Authority"
"I have a bomb"
"BOMB"
"Nuclear Airlines" - complete with exploding airplane
"Don't touch my junk"
"allergic to x-ray"
"I want my shoes back"
"I have a gun in my bag"
"I have a tube in my pants greater than 6 oz. can I still bring it on the plane?"
you get the idea.
If everyone started wearing shirts like that what could they do? Gonna arrest everyone? LOL good luck with that.
I believe in satire. If you're a comedian or writing a blog, joking about bombs may be off-color, but it's protected free speech. There are certain people you just don't threaten, like the president, for good reason, but otherwise say what you want. (Before you get all worked up, it's perfectly fine to say that you hate the president; it's not okay to make jokes about threatening his life. Besides, making death threats about anyone is a criminal act.)
On the other hand, joking about bombs while in the airport is just being a dick. You have the right to be a dick. You STILL have the right to say what you want. But you DON'T have the right to fly. And you don't have the right to adversely impact 1000 other people. If you get arrested for closing down an airport with your stupid bomb joke, it's not the joke that gets you in trouble; its the fact that your joke negatively impacted many other innocent people.
Does the TSA handle these jokes with common sense? No. The TSA itself is not common sense. Sure, we should have tightened security since 9/11, but we all know that the TSA is an elaborate show that does nothing but inconvenience earnest passengers and has no capacity to catch any real threats. The TSA is a fact that should go away, but it is nevertheless a fact. You know damn well what will happen if you make a bomb joke in an airport; the fact that you don't like the TSA doesn't give you the right to disrupt the lives of everyone else trying to travel that day.
They say that yelling "fire" is a crowded threater doesn't qualify as free speech. People can get hurt if you do that. It's not funny and accomplishes nothing useful. So why is yelling "bomb" in an airport any better?
I've been trying to come up with the all-time best "Not to sing along to in the TSA line" playlist. Amongst the top songs:
* Janie's Got a Gun - Aerosmith
* Boom Boom Boom Boom - Dr. John
* If I Had a Rocket Launcher - Bruce Cockburn
* Shot With His Own Gun - Elvis Costello (actually about consequences of sex, which makes it doubly good for this list "No, sir, I'm singing a song about a girl getting pregnant!")
* I Don't Like Mondays - Boomtown Rats
* Tear Down the Wall - Pink Floyd
* Rosalita - Bruce Springsteen ("You pick up Little Dynamite, I'm gonna pick up Little Gun")
* Crash Into Me - Dave Matthews Band
What else? No rap please, it's just too easy.
Design for Use, not Construction!
A couple of my partners were flying back from a con (more than) a few years ago.
Sitting in O'Hare, they started spitballing a terrorism game.
Finally, one of the guys' wives elbowed them and FORCEFULLY reminded them where exactly they were, and the general lack of humor they had about this sort of thing.
So they shut up right?
WRONG.
They continued on, couching everything in euphemisms.
Thus the Ice Cream game (I Scream).
If we ever decide to do it, we'll probably have to start up a throw-away imprint to do so (like White Wolf did with their Black Dog imprint for Hol).
Chas - The one, the only.
THANK GOD!!!
I remember flying back to Australia after September 11th. I remembered they had to put up signs stating that you should not joke about bombs.
I wish I had snapped a picture of one of those signs....
if the fact that if after you say something about a bomb in an airport, you can be released from custody by saying "Bruce Schneier" to indicate your appreciation for all the actors and actresses at the play.
Good people go to bed earlier.
"I have a bomb."
Like "I am a sworn officer". No sorry clerk, you're a regular guy with a fancy dress.
Wish I had had the time to record and have him arrested for impersonating a peace officer.
Stress can make people laugh or giggle, even if they don't want to. If people are walking around thinking to themselves "oh my, I better not make any bomb jokes or even accidentally say a word like 'bomb'", it's just like an admonishment that requests "Don't think about penguins!".
.
The admonishment alone inserts thought about penguins into your head. So consciously thinking "don't say anything stupid" could make your brain ask itself "stupid things such as what?" and then your brain cooks up examples and a genuinely nervous person innocently blurts out "so, what do you think, that i have a bomb in there?"
.
And then the excitement begins. This is ridiculous thought-porn torture, people, as part of security theater. And we buy tickets for that security theater every time we purchase a seat on an airliner. We pay to be subjected to this humiliation and useless piece of proof of our obeisance to group-think. It's like the idiotic "Freeze!" tactic exercises being performed at various airports: TSA Freeze Drill links
http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/valleyfever/2012/09/tsa_freeze_drill_videod_at_sky.php
http://www.airliners.net/aviation-forums/general_aviation/read.main/5103484/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/28/tsa-all-stop-drill_n_1923683.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Km0awE1Q2HA
.
"These drills are generally conducted during off-peak hours to minimize disruption, and generally last a minute," said Kristin Lee, a spokeswoman for the agency. The agency conducts a range of security exercises, not all of them in public, to train checkpoint officers, she said.
.
Understood, I said. But still, am I, a citizen, required to stop motionless when the T.S.A. officers yell "freeze"?
It seems like a way to get people to start being subjugated and to prove compliance with any authority figure, regardless of whether or not that "so-called authority figure" has any right to assert that sort of, or any sort of, power at all.
Ya that never works with me, If you say don't think about cheese cake, don't think about the power rangers, don't think about a bomb then after I read it I just wont think of any of that stuff. Before you think about something you have to process the fact your going to think about it, so just stop before you do and you'll be good to go.
Before you you tell me that I'm not the average person, I know at least five other people who "think" the same way, just don't think about it period!
Years ago, when my parents went on their honeymoon, they had a disaster of a trip. Long story short, my mother broke her neck on a hiking expedition and the area they were in had horrid medical care. Then, their plane back got diverted thanks to a storm. My father, who had reached the end of his rope, told the flight attendant that there had BETTER be medical care waiting for his wife when they landed.
When the plane landed, it didn't taxi in, but was surrounded by police and ambulance. Officers stormed the plane asking who had requested medical help and my father and mother were helped off. My father, using poor judgement even for the time, decided NOW was the perfect time to joke around so he whispered to my mother "I guess they found the bomb in the suitcase."
When they finally got home and went to claim their baggage, it was pushed off to one side with chains surrounding it. The person they spoke with said there was a bomb threat. My dad got off without even a warning. Today, he'd be locked up and charged with a federal offense.
My sci-fi novel, Ghost Thief, is now available from Amazon.com.
An old problem, as Dilbert discovered.
I am a Statistician. One false move and you are a Statistic
I'm going to open a bottle of dihydrogen monoxide once the plane gets off the ground.
opting out of the scanner is what every person needs to do.
This article was linked to two others that I thought were rather interesting. Apparently the TSA is going to allow "small" pocket knives (smaller than 2.36 inches and less than 1/2 inch in width; doh!) on board as of April 25th. Then there was the article on scary/crazy things they'd found on travelers, some hazardous items and a chastity belt...
Must be a pain to transport one of these.
"Oh, that? That's just the casing for my bomb calorimeter. I didn't want to put it through checked luggage because I was worried it might get broken."
After learning that his luggage had made a flight that he missed, a Las Vegas (LAS) passenger told the gate agent: "Imagine there was a bomb in my bag. I'm not on plane, and it would explode."
I could write why TSA's response to this comment as a threat is patently stupid - but to do so demeans us all. You guys are paying people to detain anyone who utters the word "bomb" - in any context.
Agent: "It's a millimeter wave scanner, which means..."
Me: "I have a degree in electrical engineering. I know what millimeter wave scanners are. I am not stepping into it because I feel it is a waste of my tax dollars. Don't waste my time any further."
Just show the TSA idiots the respect they deserve (none) and let them do their jobs with the full knowledge that they are less well liked than the IRS.
Palm trees and 8
you told the TSA that you overheard that woman over there say that she has a bomb up her rectum? Could be quite amusing.
It's always tricky when I'm landing in airports in Australia, as I like to check the weather report for my destination. Usually I do this by checking the website of the Australian Bureau of Meteorology (www.bom.gov.au) on my phone. The challenge, of course, is to be careful when asking a friend or partner to "check the BOM site"
Because the terror theatre is based on conductivism. You behave bad, they treat you bad.
I travel a couple of times every year to the U.S. Every year I can see changes in their behaviour, even they seem erratic or random. The last couple of years I''ve felt like the TSA agents are more loose and even smile and talk a like with passengers, but passengers are similarily tamed since 2001. Of course this is my perception, not a scientific research.
Somehow I get the idea that general US population now has a very low IQ. Maybe its due to sustained pollution or something and not their fault, but there should be a minimum threshold IQ before employing people for security / TSA duties. They should just do the checking and ignore what anyone SAYS. I seriously can not imagine anyone thinking that people who DECLARE they have bombs/guns WILL ACTUALLY HAVE THEM.
people suffering from constipation would be detained because of their facial expressions?
A significant percentage of normal people will joke in tense situations. Many of them are used to joking inappropriately in tense situations. By now, most people know better than to treat the TSA as sane, but that doesn't make those who don't abnormal.
(And yes, ditto to your disclaimer, with the caveat that "consistent" cannot not be read as an excuse.)
I won't join Slashcott. OTOH, If Beta goes live, I just won't be back until it's fixed. Sorry Dice.
Linked in TFA was weird things people got flagged for. Who carries a chastity belt onto a plane? Is the Mile High Club to hard to resist?
Vote monkeys into Congress. They are cheaper and more trustworthy.
I called the new ultra detailed body scanner a "pervert scanner" as I walked through and got a very brief laugh, and then was pulled aside and was "given a good wand-ing".
I've got a pocket full of kryptonite
You drooling fascist retarded monkeys...
A blockbuster was a big bomb during the WWII blitz in London. Now it is used to praise a movie.
Heavy is the head that wears the tinfoil hat.
There was no TSA (this was in the 80's) and I was an airport police officer. Had some great times there. They used to have large (7 foot tall) wooden signs that read "WARNING! - It is a federal crime to even joke about having a gun or bomb" This was in large letters, and next to the carry on search x-ray machines. I happen to be standing next to that sign one day and a kid (about 20) said "Ha ha... Guess what? I have a gun in my bag"... I replied "Ha ha... Guess what? You're going to jail". He didn't believe me :)
The day Microsoft creates a product that doesn't suck, it will be known as the Microsoft Vaccuum Cleaner!
But it's for your own safety.