Researchers Discover Way To Spot Crappy Coffee

sciencehabit writes "People who enjoy the most expensive coffee in the world can soon sip without worry: Researchers have come up with a way to tell if their cuppa joe is real or faux. The luxury drink in question—Kopi Luwak—is produced from coffee beans pooped out by the palm civet, a time-consuming process that helps contribute to the beverage's price tag of between $330 to $500 per kilogram. In a new study, researchers chemically analyzed four different blends of coffee—authentic Kopi Luwak, regular coffee, a 50/50 mix of the two, and a brew of coffee beans that producers had chemically treated in an attempt to simulate mammalian digestion. Of the hundreds of organic substances naturally present in coffee, a handful enabled the team to distinguish Kopi Luwak from the other brews. The technique may even be sensitive enough to distinguish pure Kopi Luwak from versions adulterated with varying percentages of other coffees—which offers some degree of reassurance when your morning mud costs about $15 a cup."

Comments

Easy

[DanLake]

Look for the Starbucks logo.

Re:Easy

[Anonymous Coward]

I had a friend that owned an ordinary coffee shop at the mall and there was a Starbucks upstairs. If Starbucks ran out of coffee beans they would go to him and borrow some to last them until their next shipment arrived.

Re:Easy

[Anonymous Coward]

BINGO!

Re:Easy

[Joining Yet Again]

"borrow"

Re:Easy

[Anonymous Coward]

While I agree it still isn't exactly borrowing, maybe the other AC meant that Starbucks gave a portion of their shipment back to him?

Oh shit!

[MouseTheLuckyDog]

Oh shit!

Re:Oh shit!

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm not even sure why I had to check if this comment was anonymous or not

Nasty

[kf4lhp]

In this case, I'll prefer the fake.

The things that pass for delicacies.

Re:Nasty

[danceswithtrees]

The real story seems to be rather interesting. From wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kopi_Luwak :

During the era of Cultuurstelsel (1830—1870), the Dutch prohibited the native farmers and plantation workers from picking coffee fruits for their own use. Still, the native farmers wanted to have a taste of the famed coffee beverage. Soon, the natives learned that certain species of musang or luwak (Asian Palm Civet) consumed the coffee fruits, yet they left the coffee seeds undigested in their droppings. The natives collected these luwaks' coffee seed droppings, then cleaned, roasted and ground them to make their own coffee beverage.[9] The fame of aromatic civet coffee spread from locals to Dutch plantation owners and soon became their favorite, yet because of its rarity and unusual process, the civet coffee was expensive even in colonial times.

Re:Nasty

[KGIII]

I'm not sure if anyone will find this beneficial but I shall try...

I was, of all places, in Hawaii when this was available for me to try. This was quite some time ago but it was still somewhere near $12 for a cup. I didn't care about the expense and simply wanted to try it because, well, it was available and I'd never tried it before and I'd been told it was both "very good" and "quite the experience."

The latter was certainly correct but I can't imagine thinking that the former is true under any circumstances?

I opted to try it unadulterated, no sugar and no cream. No, it didn't taste like fecal matter. It tasted as if someone had let the coffee burn at the bottom of the pot. It was oily, harsh, and did not taste good at all. It had a taste, to me, like burned coffee. It reminded me a bit of the coffee that I'd had served to me years ago in Turkey - like it was a bad imitation of bad coffee. It seriously was not pleasing, not even remotely pleasing at all.

I had paid, as I said, something close to $12 for said cup of coffee so I finished it. I'd ordered it and the intent was to try it. It was ordered mostly so I could have the experience and recount it later in life or, at least, remember it. I'd hoped to enjoy the experience and I'd hoped to be able to tell people that, "You should definitely try this! It's got to be the best coffee I've ever had."

I can not do so. I can only say that I've tried it and that I, personally, found it not only to not be anything special but something that should be avoided. It's not like a single cup is that expensive so if you still feel inclined to try it after having read this then, by all means, you should.

I have been told, since then, that it was, "Obviously fake." I have also been told that it may be the harvesting method? That some people farm the animals and just cram 'em full of beans and this means that the animal is just eating any bean fed to it. I've been told that the person who made it must not know what they were doing. I'm still more inclined to think that it was just really bad coffee. It had a distinct flavor and that flavor was not good.

Again, it reminded me of the coffee that I had in Turkey only that won't make any sense to anyone unless they've had Turkish coffee. The coffee I was served, multiple times in multiple places, in Turkey was burnt and very strong - strong to the point of absurd. Also burnt to the point of gross. It was bitter, burnt, and stronger than anyone should make coffee. It was served like that anywhere that I went so I am assuming it is a cultural thing and I've heard people mention it since. I've even heard a few people claim to like it.

Now, that's the best that I can describe Turkish coffee. Imagine that only make it oilier (Wow, that's a word and I spelled it correctly the first time? Heh!) and make it basically taste like a cheap imitation of that. Oh! Imagine espresso from a gas station as compared to espresso from a coffee shop that actually knows what they're doing. That's sort of how it compares in those regards.

Anyhow, like I said, if you get the chance to buy it by the cup then, by all means, give it a shot. It's not expensive really if you're just getting a single cup. I'd certainly not recommend buying a pound of the stuff. Also the prices quoted are a bit higher than what they were selling it at - they offered the beans for sale by the pound and I think it was $125 per pound BUT this was ten years ago or so. I think... I'm unable to recall the exact year that I went but it was somewhere around 8 to 10 years ago.

So, there's your review from me. I am aware that people's tastes are different so I'd still encourage you to consider trying it instead of relying on my review IF you were already wanting to try it and hadn't had the opportunity. If you probably weren't going to spend $12 on a cup of coffee, even if it came from poop from a Golden Retriever named Benny, then you probably should stick with your plan. It's really not very good... 'Snot very good at all.

Re:Nasty

[KGIII]

Your post reminded me of the aroma! Yes - that's a whole other point. It does have a strong and very nice aroma. It smells like it is going to be some of the best damned coffee you're ever going to have in your life. Unfortunately I did not find the taste matching the aroma. But it does have that going for it, the aroma, and that's worthy of mentioning.

Re:Nasty

[mstefanro]

tl;dr He tried it upon friends' suggestion, was bad, friends said "BRO IT WAS FAEK". This reminded him of when he also had a bad coffee someplace else.

Re:Nasty

[Anonymous Coward]

tl;dr He tried it upon friends' suggestion, was bad, friends said "BRO IT WAS FAEK". This reminded him of when he also had a bad coffee someplace else.

Liar. You did read.

Re:Nasty

[KGIII]

Heh - you answered as I would have. Thanks. You did too, read that is... I do wonder if all the coffee in Turkey was that way. I obviously didn't have the chance to try all of it. That isn't really the subject though and I could probably use a search engine and find out if I were that curious I suppose. I guess a more accurate statement is that I'm a bit curious if others here have traveled to Turkey and had similar experiences.

Re:Nasty

[KGIII]

I should hire you as an editor.

Re:Nasty

[Anonymous Coward]

I opted to try it unadulterated, no sugar and no cream. No, it didn't taste like fecal matter. It tasted as if someone had let the coffee burn at the bottom of the pot. It was oily, harsh, and did not taste good at all. It had a taste, to me, like burned coffee.

I can't say whether Kopi beans are any better than ordinary processed beans, but this sounds like someone roasted them badly. No surprise: if you burn the coffee, it tastes mostly like burned coffee.

Re:Nasty

[mrclisdue]

So, is it that you don't eat burnt Turkey shit?

I'm a speed reader, btw.

cheers,

Re:Nasty

[Anonymous Coward]

In this case, I'll prefer the fake.

The things that pass for delicacies.

They PASS alright!!!

Re:Nasty

[Smurf]

Thank you. That was a very interesting review. I initially skipped it because it was too long, but the tl;dr summary ironically prompted me to read it.

Just one comment:

No, it didn't taste like fecal matter.

Uuuhhh... How do you know? Have you somehow acquired extensive experience in coprophagia?

I have never had Kopi Luwak, but I will certainly have a cup if offered (unless the price is just unreasonable). I do see two ways in which very good coffee can be ruined very easily: bad handling and bad roasting. In the case of Kopi Luwak I see how bad hndling could literally get it contaminated with feces. It would still be safe to drink due to the roasting, but still the taste may be extremely compromised. And of course the roast. You clearly don't like dark roasts (and neither do I). To me even the best coffees taste like ashes when roasted too dark. Maybe the Kopi Luwak was also too dark for your taste (and mine).

Re:Nasty

[jfengel]

People don't generally taste feces, but they do know what it smells like, and a huge fraction of the sense of flavor is smell. So whenever I read something like that, I read it as "it doesn't taste like what I expect feces to taste like, given the stench".

The actual sense of taste plays a role, something you can't guess from the smell, but it's relatively coarse and imprecise. Coffee, in fact, tastes very different from the way one expects from the aroma alone, because the flavor is very bitter (due to various alkaloids, including caffeine). The acrid, burned flavors of dark roasts contribute. But if you mix it with milk, whose proteins bind a lot of those bitter flavors, you end up with something that actually does taste a lot like it smells.

(I know you didn't ask, but my $.02 were burning a hole in my mental pocket.)

Re:Nasty

[tinkerton]

Also interesting is the wide price range. I can get Kopi Luwak at a local shop at 200$ - retail. Should I go upstream and start a business?

Re:Nasty

[Anonymous Coward]

are you the guy that ate the giant crab?

Re:Nasty

[TheCarp]

Again, it reminded me of the coffee that I had in Turkey only that won't make any sense to anyone unless they've had Turkish coffee. The coffee I was served, multiple times in multiple places, in Turkey was burnt and very strong - strong to the point of absurd. Also burnt to the point of gross. It was bitter, burnt, and stronger than anyone should make coffee. It was served like that anywhere that I went so I am assuming it is a cultural thing and I've heard people mention it since. I've even heard a few people claim to like it.

mmmm sounds good, I need some coffee

Re:Nasty

[Smurf]

Ah, you make several excellent points.

First and most importantly, regarding the issue of the smell vs. taste of feces: I basically agree with you, but do note that roasting of the coffee beans would almost certainly change drastically both the smell and the taste of any fecal matter residue in the coffee. So even though it does not evoke the smell of cat poop, the GP's experience may have been affected by poop (but only if the coffee was handled *very* poorly).

Second, regarding the smell and taste of coffee: You are so right! I personally love (some) medium roasts, both the smell and the taste. I prefer them straight, but I concur that a drop of milk or a pinch of sugar make it "taste" more like it "smells".

On the other hand I absolutely detest dark roasts. I find them way too bitter and I can't find any appealing flavor in them at all, even though some don't smell like ashes. I always wondered why I could drink them in milk-rich preparations without adding sugar when I found the black coffee or espresso undrinkable. Your explanation makes a lot of sense.

Grocery Store Secrets

[Anonymous Coward]

Always check the expiration date on your coffee. There's a good chance a fair bit of the product on the shelf hasn't been rotated and some of it is either close to expiring or already expired.

Source: I work night crew at a grocery store. I regularly check the coffee for expiration dates on the exceedingly rare chance I have extra time.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[Anonymous Coward]

There's a good chance a fair bit of the product on the shelf hasn't been rotated and some of it is either close to expiring or already expired.

But if you do notice an expired product, resist the temptation to yell out "You Fucking a******s!"

That might let everyone know that you have a problem.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[Anonymous Coward]

If it's already ground, it's stale before it went into the tin.

If it's beans, and it's within 12 months of the expiry date, it's also probably quite stale.

Expiry dates on coffee are a joke.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[Concerned Onlooker]

Bingo.

And forget the kopi luwak stuff. You can have really fabulous coffee for much, much cheaper by buying quality green coffee beans and roasting and grinding them yourself.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[Anonymous Coward]

Here is a newsflash. don't buy coffee at the grocery store. 99% of it was roasted 3 or more months ago. Coffee is best 2 to 7 days after roasting. (day 1 and 2 for out-gassing) it is considered stale loosing up to 40% of the flavonoids by day 14. anything older is starting to go rancid. i had major stomach aches after drinking coffee and hated it until i had fresh roasted. Now i roast my own and will never drink stale rancid coffee again.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[operagost]

That's great if drinking coffee is your hobby, as opposed to something you do while you do other stuff.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, because you absolutely must stand by and stare intently at the oven for the entire duration of the roasting process.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[advocate_one]

Oven??? I roast my coffee beans on the stovetop in a pan. I get a bit more control than roasting in the oven.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[Concerned Onlooker]

It takes about eight minutes to roast enough for a few strong cups of coffee using a hot air popcorn popper. Life is too short to drink swill.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[adolf]

Tip for buying coffee at a grocery store: Always buy whatever everyone else is buying. If you show up at 7PM and the 8 O'Clock Bean is picked thin, you should be buying 8 O'Clock Bean just like everybody else, because it hasn't even had a chance to be rotated before it is sold: It is restocked at least daily.

Whatever the brand is, the one that moves fastest is likely to be the closest thing that you can get to fresh-roasted coffee at your grocery store.

(Forget the "gourmet" bulk stuff in the plastic bins with the chutes to fill up bags. There's got to be 30 pounds of coffee in there, quickly oxidizing and turning to garbage and with low turnover: By the time you get to the bottom of it, it has been ruined for months. Fresh coffee is always better than old coffee.)

(FWIW: My favorite coffee is the organic Fair Trade Ethiopian Yirgacheffe that my local coffee house sells and serves. They order weekly, and buy 5 pounds at a time, and often run out within the week. I buy mine prepared in a pour-over, 1 ounce of beans at a time, but apparently there are others who consume a lot more than I do -- prepared, bulk, or otherwise, since I never see anyone else in there ordering what I'm getting.)

(And if you want to be a real snob, you get green coffee beans and roast them yourself just before grinding and brewing. Forget TFA's Weasel Squeezings: Again, fresh coffee is the best coffee.)

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[21mhz]

Pah, expiration date. I check the roasting date of the beans I buy (got a grinder at home); usually the microroastery sells something they roasted in the last two weeks, and that's how it should be.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[pedestrian crossing]

I do two week's worth at a time using a dog bowl and a hot-air gun. It's dead easy, takes minimal, off-the-shelf equipment and about a half hour of heating/stirring (I do a batch each of two varieties to blend).

I used to treat it like a hobby (specialized roaster, monitoring/graphing temps with a thermocouple, etc.) but that got old. I decided to simplify and now for me it's just another household task - that yields an excellent brew every morning...

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[mrclisdue]

Pan??? I hold each bean individually, betwixt my fingers, whilst balancing a magnifying glass on my nose, directing the sunlight over each precious shit-nugget. I'll have my first cup in 2016. Can't wait.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[Anonymous Coward]

You should take that little extra time and feed the beans to your cat. If it's potty-trained you don't even have to follow it around, you'll know where to look.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[RubberDogBone]

No no no. The stuff sitting on a grocery shelf is automatically expired before it even gets to the store.

Coffee snobs will tell you the shelf life of coffee is about after two days but less than about eight days after it is roasted. Nothing in any normal grocery store can meet that. So whatever is on the shelf is already unacceptable.

You've got to get your coffee direct from a coffee roaster to hit the goal. Mail order works great for this if you buy from a roaster who ships immediately. By the time it gets delivered to you, it will be inside the freshness target and you have about a week to use it up. Yes it makes a difference. Is the effort worth it? For most people maybe not. Most people love bad coffee and don't know any better.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[Anonymous Coward]

I agree. So I'll just have a good beer, and you can keep that brown water to yourself.

Coffee is undrinkable bitter swill unless you mix in large quantities of milk and sugar.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[pellik]

Fascinating. Does your dog like the leftover bits/essence of coffee that winds up in his bowl? Does it make him/her hyper? Do you like the dog food essence in your coffee? I wonder if I'm missing out on something here.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[Anonymous Coward]

Always check the expiration date

I think you can stop right there. I don't work for a grocery store, but I once saw on the shelf a bunch of packages of deli meats that were 7 days past their expiration date. Naive me decided to grab them all and find an employee to hand them off to. I say naive, because the very next day, they were back on the shelf.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[pedestrian crossing]

Fascinating. Does your dog like the leftover bits/essence of coffee that winds up in his bowl? Does it make him/her hyper? Do you like the dog food essence in your coffee? I wonder if I'm missing out on something here.

#:-)

No, its more like this.

Re:Grocery Store Secrets

[chill]

There's an EMACS command to do that.

Not a problem ...

[PPH]

... at my favorite coffee haunt. They have the palm civet right there, squatting over your cup.

Re:Not a problem ...

[Daetrin]

Hmmm... spaghetti derivative... meatballs, sort of anyway... and... ooh, Kaldorf droppings! Who ate it before you did?

Re:Not a problem ...

[Anonymous Coward]

Sorry I have to break it to you, that's not a palm civet. Palm civets have hairy tails... ;)

Grande with a shot of poop

[Zargg]

"The luxury drink in question—Kopi Luwak—is produced from coffee beans pooped out by the palm civet, a time-consuming process that helps contribute to the beverage's price tag of between $330 to $500 per kilogram."

Wait a minute...we wait for a random animal to eat and poop out the coffee beans, and charge MORE for this? What exactly is supposed to make this better than the fresh coffee bean?

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[aliquis]

That the animal has eaten and pooped it out obviously.

I assume it changes the flavor, or just if flashy.

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[Anonymous Coward]

The digestive acids and other processes result in the final product being HUGELY less bitter and much more flavoursome.

I'm not a coffee snob by any means (I even drink instant from time-to-time if nothing else's available) but I have had this stuff, and the difference really is very noticeable.

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[hedwards]

"Delicacy" is better thought of as a code word for "look at the crazy shit we just fed to that tourist."

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[RedHackTea]

The title makes a lot more sense now: "Researches Discover Way to Spot Crappy Coffee"

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[MikeBabcock]

The digestive tract is supposedly much better at extracting the bean from its husk than the usual cooking method and gives a purer flavour.

cf. Wikipedia

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[davester666]

So, who was the person digging through cat poop, finds some coffee bean in it, and announces "Hey, let's make some coffee out of these beans"?

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[gagol]

I am SO glad to be a green tea guy right now! My fancy stuff ($$$) is white tea leaves collected by trained monkeys in asian mountains. No poop involved.

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[Anonymous Coward]

Huh.

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[gagol]

Slaves... they were not allowed to take the raw beans. Now poop coffee if for arogant yuppies. Funny how things turn out.

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[Krishnoid]

You're not the first person to think this is more than a little weird.

Re: Grande with a shot of poop

[Anonymous Coward]

I am a coffee snob. luwak coffee isnothing special. Certainly no better than kona or blue mountain.

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[VortexCortex]

That the animal has eaten and pooped it out obviously.

I assume it changes the flavor, or just if flashy.

That being shat out makes a change in flavor indicates the flavor imbued is that of the shitting process itself.

Ah, the taste of Shit. Humans are made of and do produce shit. We refine all things shit and burn shit in our cars.
Energy collapsed into matter and Stars digested this and shat out all the heavier elements that make up all the exquisite flavors of the world.

Nature's cruel joke is that the ultimate digestion the cosmos hordes for itself alone.
You will never know the true flavor of a black hole's shit.

Turdukenivet Coffee. Closer than anything on the planet to tasting the Universe's ass.

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[Anonymous Coward]

Well, his opinion is invalid on the basis that he uses Comic Sans.

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[Ignacio]

You obviously haven't seen what the monkeys do in their spare time...

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[Anonymous Coward]

seems to be the way of the world - both Oysters and lobsters/crayfish were trash food - fit for the working class (or slaves depending on your temporal-geo-political-local)

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[rainmouse]

"Delicacy" is better thought of as a code word for "look at the crazy shit we just fed to that tourist."

Delicacy tends more to be some horrible crap that poor people would eat to survive. For example haggis, the Scots delicacy is made from all the garbage left over after that you cant sell after you butcher a sheep. It's padded out with oats and has the bad taste of the offal covered up with spices. Seems this coffee started out in a similar way. Poor people not allowed the coffee beans found some they were allowed to use in cat shit. mmmm the taste of culture mixed with the chic of poverty. So now they can't eat them from the trees or harvest them from cat crap. Poor guys lose again.

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[Anonymous Coward]

You will never know the true flavor of a black hole's shit.

Black holes are heavy shit. /a.

Re: Grande with a shot of poop

[Anonymous Coward]

I was expecting luwak coffee to be bad but not that bad. Thanks for the warning.

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[slugstone]

The digestive tract is supposedly much better at extracting the bean from its husk than the usual cooking method and gives a purer flavour.

cf. Wikipedia

So if I want better coffee, I need to eat some coffee beans?

I really do not like where this is going.

Re:Grande with a shot of poop

[Anonymous Coward]

What you (and the article) more properly describes is novelty food, not delicacies. A lot of times, these overlap based on why people like it, but simply put, a delicacy is something that is seen as unusual but is otherwise appealing as something you would want to consume on a daily basis if it was practical to do so. A novelty food is something that is appealing mainly for its strangeness or shock value and which you would not want to make a part of your diet.

There are people who do enjoy eating haggis on a regular basis, though to outsiders it may seem unappetizing. This is what makes it a delicacy.

There are people who buy coffee that has been crapped out by an animal, but apparently cannot taste the difference. This is what makes it a novelty.

I have a cheaper way

[girlintraining]

It goes something like this. I go to the store. I take samples of everything, then bring them home. When I wake up in the morning, I try one. One of four things will happen:

a) It does nothing. Bad coffee.
b) It gives me just enough juice to make it to the shower, where I fall asleep again. Bad coffee.
c) It gives me a big jolt, and I say 'fuck work' and submit a new linux kernel patch. Okay coffee.
d) ZOMFGThisIsThe GreatestCupOfCoffee InTheWorldCanIHave AnotherHolyShit EverythingIsSoClear IWantToDoAllTheThings RightNowHolyShit FuckOnAHeartAttack... Good coffee.

Re:I have a cheaper way

[Maxo-Texas]

I make my coffee and do not keep it heated.

What I don't drink, I put into a Zynga bottle.

Then I have reheated coffee over the next several days. I tried it after seeing refrigerated coffees in the store.

Probably works better because I use cream and one packet of sweetener in my coffee.

Fresh-- I like the old denny's coffee the best.

Re:I have a cheaper way

[gagol]

You should try cocain... a to c do not apply with this. ;-)

girlintraining, I have wanted to ask for years, please do no be offended but, are you a women in a man body? (please, just trying to make sense of your nick name)

Re:I have a cheaper way

[Anonymous Coward]

The choice of user name is explained in her profile. Two words: clam slammer.

She even has a fan: girlinatrainingbra

Re:I have a cheaper way

[VortexCortex]

When I wake up in the morning, I try one.
[...]
c) It gives me a big jolt, and I say 'fuck work' and submit a new linux kernel patch. Okay coffee.
d) ZOMFGThisIsThe GreatestCupOfCoffee InTheWorldCanIHave AnotherHolyShit EverythingIsSoClear IWantToDoAllTheThings RightNowHolyShit FuckOnAHeartAttack... Good coffee.

I bearing word from Arrakis.
Our navigators have heard your minds' shouts weakly across expanse,
but sadly we can not reach you before your time has passed.
We believe your concept of "free software" binds you to us.
As your brother Fremen we wish to help you.

If it is as we suspect then also linked are the makers of spice on our world to the makers of coffee on your world.
Perhaps you have heard tell of the mind expanding properties of the Shai-Hulud's First Water?
When the maker is yet a small worm it is of strongest spirit. This may be true on your world as well.
Do this: Prepare your maker of coffee to produce all it can. Then you must drink the cup of First Water it gives up.

The spice must flow. May it run freely in your "software" now too.

I'm in the wrong line of work

[mendax]

I should be eating coffee beans, popping them out, and the looking for them in my shit. It's about as much fun as cleaning my cat's litterbox but far more profitable. There is a Starbucks nearby. Perhaps I could sell it to them. It's gotta be better than the swill they sell.

Re:I'm in the wrong line of work

[mjwx]

I should be eating coffee beans, popping them out, and the looking for them in my shit. It's about as much fun as cleaning my cat's litterbox but far more profitable. There is a Starbucks nearby. Perhaps I could sell it to them. It's gotta be better than the swill they sell.

There in lies the problem.

They have standards to maintain for that swill. They cant sell anything better otherwise people will be expecting them to raise that standard.

I'm dissappointed

[msobkow]

Here I thought they were going to discern the quality of coffee, not whether it's been shat by a civet cat. I've no interest in tasting cat-shit coffee at any price.

Now if they'd have come up with a way to quantify the robustness, the body, the acidity, the richness, the roast, and so on for *sane* coffee, I'd have had to read the article. :P

Re:I'm dissappointed

[SpaghettiPattern]

Ever been to Italy? Go there, get used to the espresso, start knowing good from bad coffee. Return home and prepared to be perpetually disappointed. And be a supertaster in the first place.

Re:I'm dissappointed

[bill_mcgonigle]

Return home and prepared to be perpetually disappointed.

I think you meant to say "be prepared to become a home roaster out of desperation".

Re:I'm dissappointed

[mdielmann]

Really, shat out by a cat (because it can't be digested by them) isn't very high on the list of weird shit we eat. Rotten grain juice, bug vomit, rotten beans, rotten bean juice, rotten milk, (non-human) milk, stuff that grows on shit, rotten milk with maggots in it (yes, really!). (Note that I don't bother counting eating bugs and dogs as weird.) Couple this with the fact that there are some plants whose seeds won't germinate until they've been eaten by the right animal, which says something about the integrity of the expelled seed, and I suspect the cat-shat coffee is cleaner and safer than some of the things I mentioned above.

Re:I'm dissappointed

[cthulhu11]

Let's see. Mainstream coffee: tastes like ass Civet-shit coffee: tastes like ass color me unimpressed

What kind of sick bastard

[Anonymous Coward]

goes digging through an animal's shit, picking out the beans to brew coffee?

There was corn in my shit yesterday, did someone one to pick the kernels out to make popcorn?

Re:What kind of sick bastard

[Anonymous Coward]

I remember reading a story of a North Korean escapee who grew up in a prison camp. Picking corn out of shit was indeed something his family had to do to survive. Can't imagine paying a premium for it though.

Re:What kind of sick bastard

[KGIII]

I believe you but seems a little far-fetched. Not the part about picking stuff out of their shit and eating it but the part about a North Korean having had corn to start with is what I find skeptical. If you'd said they were picking grass, tree bark, or burnt rice out of the shit and eating it then I guess I'd be more inclined to believe it without a second thought. ;)

Re:What kind of sick bastard

[Anonymous Coward]

Unlike their neighbors, corn is the primary grain of North Korean. Odd I know considering how most other Asians (including South Korea) primarily consume rice, but corn is cheaper and easier to grow.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2013/04/13/north-korea-factoids/2078831/ (Look at number 9)

Re:What kind of sick bastard

[Anonymous Coward]

Not to spoil your fun with a serious anecdote, but grain-fed farm animals (e.g. cows, horses) often have undigested grains in their droppings. (Which seems like a good propagation strategy for the grains - by the way). Which can cause quite the problem with mice and rats coming to feed on it. A partial solution would be for a farmer to keep some chickens, which would peck out the grains (and worms and insects). The chickens' scratching behaviour also breaks up the manure pats and spreads it around, which is beneficial for pasture fertilization.

Of course, eggs from such FREE RANGE chickens have much richer colouring and a better nutrient profile.

Re:What kind of sick bastard

[Anonymous Coward]

you mean poopcorn surely

Re:What kind of sick bastard

[KGIII]

See? I love this site. I really, sure I was joking but still, would not have expected that. Thanks - interesting article by the way. Much appreciated.

Don't need ...

[c0lo]

Fortunately, for the time being, I don't need that much sophistication to stay away from coffee shitted by a mamal: the price tag seems to be a good enough indicator.

easier answer

[Kohath]

If you can't tell the difference from the taste, stop paying $300 per kilogram.

Re: easier answer

[Anonymous Coward]

This. In economics, a "parity product" is a commodity that is indistinguishable from similar commodities offered by other merchants, but which custom or advertising declares arbitrarily to be different, generally to increase demand and price. Coffee is a perfect example; if you can't tell the difference between two bags of coffee, and one is biologically processed (shat by an animal) while the other is chemically processed, and worse, if you need a special scientific test to distinguish between them, you are being, in economic parlance, ripped off like the dumb conspicuously-consuming mark that you are.

Even the real stuff is fake.

[Anonymous Coward]

I was in Indonesia not too long ago and got to try some of this kopi luwak. From what I learned even the "real" stuff isn't really authentic. Most of what is sold is from civets that are raised on farms and force fed coffee beans. Part of the reason this coffee is supposed to be so good is in the wild the civets will only choose to eat the best coffee beans it can find. Force feeding them kind of defeats this and is cruel.

Re:Even the real stuff is fake.

[Anonymous Coward]

Never realized that wild animals were such snobs that they would turn down a bean if it would taste wonderful after they shit it out.

First-world problems

[Anonymous Coward]

When first-world problems: "Waaaah my coffee wasn't shat out of something's asshole!!!"

Re:First-world problems

[mjwx]

When first-world problems: "Waaaah my coffee wasn't shat out of something's asshole!!!"

No, it simply tastes like it as shat out of somethings arsehole. #FWP.

Re:First-world problems

[VortexCortex]

It's only those faggots who order caramel Ralph Macchios and all those other diabetes-inducing drinks that give Starbucks drinkers a bad name. Yeah, I'm a consumer whore. Fuck you.

-- Ethanol-fueled

While I resolutely disagree, I must thank you sir Ethanol for without such flammable incite
I'm not sure I'd ever come face to face with a rare wild "No True Starbuccaneer" argument.

Re:First-world problems

[Anonymous Coward]

*McDonald's* has better coffee than Starbucks and for much cheaper.

Personally, I drink Segafredo and illy. Most of the cafes around here have them and you'd be hard pressed to find a better coffee.

Re: First-world problems

[Anonymous Coward]

Not only that, but "farmers" are keeping civet cats in pens and force feeding them the beans to keep the production costs fortheir kopi luwak down.
Given the choice between something that was chemically treated and something that was shat out by a miserable, unhappy creature, i'd go for the chemicals thank you very much.

Re:First-world problems

[temcat]

Do you have special McCafe sections at McDonald's where you live? We do here, and while I cannot say anything about Starbucks coffee (they opened just recently in St. Petersburg, and I haven't got around to visiting them yet), the coffee in McCafe seems not bad *and* better than what you get in the main section at McDonald's.

Re:First-world problems

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, we have those too, though what I meant is that the standard McDonald's coffee is better than Starbucks.

Re:First-world problems

[mcgrew]

I figured that guy (who I wish you all would stop quoting, those -1 moderations are there for a reason) was a Starbucks drinker. People who pay as much for a cup of coffee as I pay for a pound of grounds have too many dollars and not enough sense,

Loved your pun, BTW. "Incite" fits him so well. Still chuckling.

Re: First-world problems

[Ottawakismet]

I find it funny that this discussion is about the relative merits of coffee chains when the article is about Kopi Luwak. I'm sure you can't get that any of the chains. got to be specialty product.....

Re:First-world problems

[chill]

The GP was implying that when he said "Look for the Starbucks logo!"

Money well spent on that research

[multiben]

If you are paying $15 a cup for coffee then presumably you have super awesome taste buds. So why do you need chemically analyse your coffee to tell if it's the real deal? You're coffee is either worth $15 or it isn't based on what it tastes like.

What a pointless bit of research. Have we now solved so many of the world's important problems that the top of the list is now "make sure hipsters are drinking genuine cat's bum coffee."

Re:Money well spent on that research

[viperidaenz]

So if Guy B buys 10kg sack of cat crap coffee beans from Guy A, then on sells that to Guy C, how does Guy B know Guy A isn't ripping him off, if he is just a distributor and doesn't care for coffee or the taste of cat crap coffee? He's not going to call on his expert coffee taster to inspect every bag.

Re:Money well spent on that research

[multiben]

Then Guy B goes out of business for not taking enough interest in the product he sells and being a non-value adding price hiking middle-man.

Re:Money well spent on that research

[youngatheart]

I'm surprised to see this comment rated so highly.

If you are paying $15 a cup for coffee then presumably you have super awesome taste buds. So why do you need chemically analyse your coffee to tell if it's the real deal? You're coffee is either worth $15 or it isn't based on what it tastes like.

Taste is a very variable thing. If you're trying to train yourself to distinguish different tastes, then you need to try different things to learn what tastes you are capable of recognizing. If you're basing your experience on faulty information, then you're being cheated of your option to learn something. If you are going to try to learn the difference in sushi or wines and you are trying to learn the differences in tastes of different options, being lied to about what you're tasting means you won't be able to tell the difference between different grades of tuna, or different types of dry red wines. As a result, you're robbed of your ability to learn what brings you pleasure and what is worth spending the extra money on.

What a pointless bit of research. Have we now solved so many of the world's important problems that the top of the list is now "make sure hipsters are drinking genuine cat's bum coffee."

If you know absolutely everything that is important to know then you're a terrible person for not sharing your insight into how to solve every world problem. For everyone else, doing research that you are able to do that adds to the sum of human knowledge is valuable. Just because you don't know how to cure cancer yet doesn't mean you shouldn't put effort into finding a malaria cure. Curing world hunger is something we'd all like to know how to do, but if you don't know how to do that, it doesn't mean that there is no value in studying computer science. The best thing to spend money learning about is something where you can hope to find some success in learning something useful. Building a machine that can detect organic compounds may sound useless to you because you don't care about coffee, but good research results may mean that same technology can be applied to better bomb detection or allow computers to do what animals already do and actually detect cancer better. Saying the research shouldn't have money spent on something you don't care about is saying that people shouldn't do what good they're able to actually able to do.

If everybody had the mentality that nothing should be done if it wasn't working toward the big problems, we'd loose all the little great things that contribute to a better world.

Re:Money well spent on that research

[viperidaenz]

Unless Guy B negotiated lower prices in exchange for higher volume, and sold the product on for less than Guy' C - Z could have bought it for directly.

Re:Money well spent on that research

[Anonymous Coward]

However, odds are good that coffee drinkers D, E, F, G and H can't tell the damn difference anyway.

Curse you sir,

[rsilvergun]

I have you and your ilk to thank for the drek that is Starbucks. What made them big was their coffee is higher in caffeine than most.

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

are you always in the habit of referring to "girls" as "sir"?

Re:Curse you sir,

[girlintraining]

I have you and your ilk to thank for the drek that is Starbucks. What made them big was their coffee is higher in caffeine than most.

Listen, you hipster wannabe geek... caffeine content is the only thing a true geek cares about. Geeks are devices for turning caffeine into code. Therefore, if you want lots of code, you need lots of caffeine. We don't care that it was made by the loving natives of... some country... brewed in a steamomaster 9000 with auto bean injectors, slow-roasted in an artistic clay pot. You care, because you're a wannabe. We only care about two things: That it's hot, and that it makes anyone who drinks it twitch like a politician being asked about his sexual misconduct.

Re:Curse you sir,

[girlintraining]

are you always in the habit of referring to "girls" as "sir"?

Now now, be nice. He has to rationalize it somehow, otherwise... his male ego would be crushed by the thought that a guh... gu... a gurrrrrrl smacked him so hard on an internet forum his kids will be born dizzy. And so, to keep his idea of girls as subserviant little playthings for his penis... and him as the big and powerful penis owner... anyone who so completely and utterly destroys him as we have just done, simply can't be a..a... a girl.

In other news, my geek-fu is strong. Now, get lost, or (puts on a fez) I shall taunt you a second time! ;)

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

That it's hot

Eh. Optional. Better, but still optional.

twitch like a politician being asked about his sexual misconduct.

Indeed. A definite plus if it makes you able to fantasize about sexual misconduct WHILE coding. That's the good shit, but make sure it's not cold, brown, meth. Always always always: Mouth to belly > Nose to brain.

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

"girls" don't have a "penis". Just so you know.

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

A woman is pregnant with a boy. Think about it.

Re:Curse you sir,

[gagol]

You are aware you need coffee to be producive only if you drink coffe on a regular basis, right? (captcha: addiction)

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

A doctor in training is not yet a marine. A girl in training is not yet a girl.

Re:Curse you sir,

[operagost]

Really, none of what you said made any sense.

Re:Curse you sir,

[VortexCortex]

Really, none of what you said made any sense.

It actually does if you are learned in the language and shaming tactics of the cultural Marxist.

Re-read the post as coming from a Female Chauvinist, or Feminist if you dare. Note the attack of male nature and trumped up "male ego" for no reason. Note the hypocrisy in assuming that rsilvergun is male...

If the idealists can not be swayed by logic and rationality, I would at least hope they learn that displays like this are a disservice to the causes of women...

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

Girlintraining's coherency has been in decline for quite a while.

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

They do that on Star Trek, and if it's good enough for them...

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

Like all generalizations, yours is wrong. I'm a geek and I don't drink coffee. I also don't drink alcohol or carbonated (caffeinated and chockful of HFCS too) soft drinks. Nor do I eat bacon. In fact I find it really difficult to understand why nerds and geeks are so enamoured of any of those things; most of them are simply awful, others will give you diabetes or a heart attack. I don't have concentration problems, I don't shake like I have Parkisons in the morning before I "get my fix", I don't feel irritable, I won't have my foot amputated by age 40 if I haven't died of clogged arteries by age 35. I don't need to get shitfaced to have a good time.

Fuck peer pressure and fuck social convention. Stop being a fucking sheep.

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

try not to feed the trolls , I'd bet these C coders are probably the source of Mountain Dew's success and who have urine with higher caffeine level than a Tour de France rider ( but ah how I loved cutting code in the student common room at my university where we stocked up on US Mountain Dew rather than the uncafeinated sad excuse for lemonade the locally made 'Dew is. But now I don't cut code so I drink my coffee for taste as well as caffeine (columbian only no grossly made pooped yuppy crap please)

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, like regular cars need petrol instead of electricity. You, sir, must be a Prius.

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

I for one am a big and powerful penis owner. My gf certainly thinks so. But she is no subservient plaything. She is my true equal and it's my privilege and my true joy to treat her as such. When she talks, I am listening. And vice versa. That's just the way we want to do things.

So I guess I can't relate to the insecure type of male you describe.

- The AC who wondered why he called you "sir". Posting AC although I reply to you non-AC sometimes, because my penis isn't really Slashdot's business.

Re:Curse you sir,

[Triv]

Starbucks uses a dark roast. The darker the roast, the more caffeine is burned out. The thing that makes it stronger is the espresso extraction method, not the coffee; the problem with that is, the dark roast removes a lot of the complexity and the amount needed per cup raises the price.

If you want to experience a real coffee rush that doesn't cost you a fortune, get a light roast and put it through a Mr. Coffee. Tastes better for a fraction of the price.

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

If they outrank you, that's exactly how it works.

If not, well, you just weren't paying attention.

Re:Curse you sir,

[Smurf]

Starbucks uses a dark roast.

Not always. Most Starbucks I've been to offer a choice of dark or medium roast. A couple even offered a light roast. They were all horrible but admittedly their dark roasts were the worse.

Unless you mean for espresso-based drinks. In that case yes, they use a dark roast. But it becomes almost drinkable when you add lots of milk to it. (A shot of pure espresso from Starbucks? Ewwwww... *shudders*)

Re:Curse you sir,

[Anonymous Coward]

Everyone here knows girl "in training" means you're at best a tranny and in any case have a penis.

The only other scenario is that you're a FBI agent. WITH A PENIS.

http://www.satirewire.com/news/0008/satire-fbiteens.shtml

But I'm not looking for Bubba-louie brand

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm a developer. I drink at least 3 cups a day (ok, not that much more than 3 a day anymore), but when I was in university, I drank about 9 cups a day before switching to coca cola (mid afternoon). I don't care about bubba-louie brand or whatever. I just don't want crap that tastes like mud. Otherwise, I'm also not interested in $15 per cup either. Way too damn expensive. I need software that can analyse the average brand and tell me if its a half-way worthwhile cup, or slew-water. I understand that is an arbitrary setting, so I should be able to set that setting and then use the software to do a quickie analysis (rather than have me sipping and spitting). If all this does is an analysis of a very high end brand that I'll never touch, then its useless to me (and a majority of coffee drinkers).

Indeed

[Anonymous Coward]

There ain't nothing like the taste of ass in the morning. /s

"Crappy"

[naff89]

produced from coffee beans pooped out by the palm civet

Huh, I didn't think the title meant literally crappy.

Slurm!!!

[crypto2600]

I wonder if this will be on one of those "meet your food" shows

Try the elephant-made coffee then

[spazmonkey]

Its pretty much replacing the Kopi Luwak. Someone figured out that the enzymes in the elephants system perform the same desired chemical changes even more effectively, and due to time spent digesting even more completely, while obviously offering the benefit of a massive increase in possible volume processed. All this, and from domesticated working animals that don't need to be force fed anything, as it is mixed in with their normal feed. Better, more humane, and cheaper too. Where is the downside to that? (Well, other than it coming out of a mammals asshole anyway)

Mystery

[Beryllium Sphere(tm)]

Someone was the first to try civet cat coffee. How did it occur to him?

Re:Mystery

[c0lo]

Someone was the first to try civet cat coffee. How did it occur to him?

Paradoxically, seems like at that time the price for normal coffee was too high.
O tempora o mores (but even at that time there was no need for fancy analyses).

crappy coffee?

[Anonymous Coward]

Does that means coffee that has been "crapped"?

Oh thank goodness...

[cartman]

Finally, they have a chemical process to verify that the $500/kg coffee is, in fact, Kopi Luwak. Thank goodness! Gone are the days of me paying $500/kg for coffee and not being able to tell if it's Kopi Luwak or just Folger's. I'm a discerning customer with stringent tastes. I want to know if the $500/kg coffee I'm drinking is actually high-quality. I don't want any of that $5/kg shit being passed off as $500/kg coffee, and then I don't notice and get ripped off.

What else can the palm civet "process"?

[Anonymous Coward]

Why is it only coffee that people drink out of the palm civet? Have they tried running some tea through it? Maybe send some mints or something through there and see if they improve?

Re:What else can the palm civet "process"?

[MadKeithV]

We tried feeding the cats Bitcoins, but it turned out the coins were already full of crap.

The Best Coffee Is Always a Single Malt

[Anonymous Coward]

1) Don't mix coffee beans.
2) Don't mix Scotch.
3) Civet coffee is a drink of pollution to profane the pretentious.

kopi luwak

[shentino]

In this case, crappy coffee IS the real thing.

I was able to test kopi luwak a long time ago.

[mbstone]

All I did was recalibrate my bullshit detector.

And now it is obsolete

[Askmum]

Because in analysing what makes Kopi Luwak real Kopi Luwak they know exactly what to add to reproduce it.

Even better!

[NeoMorphy]

Imagine what it would taste like if it was poop out by Super Models!!!

If someone is willing to pay for coffee beans pooped out by a funny looking rat, then imagine what they would pay for something pooped out by a Super Model, or even a mediocre model. Heck, even a double bagger would be an improvement!

On second thought, let's go back to the Super Model.

The post title

[ildon]

I only just now got the pun. I feel dumb.

A few thoughts on that luwak coffee thing.

[Anonymous Coward]

1. The luwaks - some of them are "free range", others are caged and being fed coffee beans exclusively. As important as it is to detect counterfeit coffee and getting what you pay for, I'd be far more interested in distinguishing between caged luwak coffee and free range luwak coffee. I'm not trying to sound like a tree hugging hippy here, but free range luwak supposedly only eat the best, ripest coffee beans by choice, and their more varied diet may impact the taste of the coffee as well.
2. "Artificial" luwak coffee made by treating the beans with acids and enzymes doesn't have the "yuck" factor, but more importantly, potentially allows for coffee that is better than "the real thing". If you doubt it, remember how humans now fly higher, faster and further than any bird they started out by mimicking. I'm not a vegan or vegetarian, but where offering Luwak coffee would be a potential issue, "Magic cat" coffee is not.
3. It only matters if you can tell the difference. If you pay a premium and can't tell the difference, you're just paying for snobbery.

I see it!

[Anonymous Coward]

What you did there... I see it, you title maestro of journalism..

7.65 cents per bean.

[InterGuru]

I counted 102 beans in my coffee scoop. I weighed a scoop at 15 grams which gives 30 scoops to a pound (454 g ). This means there are 3060 beans in a pound. At a price $400/pound civet coffee comes out to 7.65 cents per bean.

I measured Brazilian coffee, not civet. The real number may differ.
.

How to spot *crappy* coffee

[complete loony]

I don't want any coffee that might have actual "crap" in it. So at least with this test I could be certain of that fact.

Re:How to spot *crappy* coffee

[mdielmann]

Maybe not.

I have an easy to use, cost effective way...

[Fuzzy Viking]

...I taste it ...and if I regret tasting it, it's crappy.

And here...

[meglon]

.... I thought "tasting it" might come into play at some point....

Pile of bollocks

[Anonymous Coward]

Here is cheap and free method spotting crappy coffee: if you can see the bottom of your cup, then it's not a coffee but crap.

So you're tellling me...

[jcr]

People pay more for coffee that literally tastes like shit?

-jcr

Re:So you're tellling me...

[captjc]

Well, it's a bit nutty.

Bear Grylls

[transporter_ii]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q97hBJ7alKI

lol

[TheSkepticalOptimist]

I think people spending $500/kg for coffee deserve to be ripped off when actually buying an bag Nabob with some cat shit sprinkled in it for flavor.

Seriously, though, there is a problem with a culture of people willing to pay the high price for speciality coffee or wine, but then can't tell the difference from counterfeit. Its not a problem with the counterfeit being that good, its the problem with douchey hipsters thinking that their coffee is actually better because it costs more when they can't tell the freakin' difference from a much cheaper brand. I think if you can't tell you are drinking crap, you have a problem no device is going to solve.

All these kinds of coffee and wine detectors do is reinforce the douchey poser culture that wants to emerge from the 99% by pretending to act like they belong in the 1% drinking their $50 cup of disgusting coffee.

Re:lol

[Anonymous Coward]

Just a data point: I know a man who's well into the 1% (made his money in the futures market, probably the most skilled trader I will ever meet), and he swears there's no better coffee in the world than Tim Horton's house blend.

Re:lol

[Anonymous Coward]

So in other words, you don't think people deserve to get what they pay for, just because you personally don't like them.

Now who's the douschey poser?

Re:Easy - Wrong category mod.

[bareman]

This was modded funny, but it's only funny because it's Informative and true. Starbucks is awful unless it's mixed with other flavorings.

Spot by lab chemical analysis?

[Sqweegee]

I wouldn't exactly call their procedure spotting, they're running samples through a $300k GC-MS and found chemical markers distinctive to Kopi Luwak.

It would make it easy for a coffee company to verify that they're buying and selling the genuine product but doesn't exactly help the average consumer to spot the real thing. At least they're more likely to actually be getting what they pay for.

Signs that Rome II is falling

[hessian]

The luxury drink in questionâ"Kopi Luwakâ"is produced from coffee beans pooped out by the palm civet, a time-consuming process that helps contribute to the beverage's price tag of between $330 to $500 per kilogram.

I have a word for this fetishistic novelty which is pursued for the sheer purpose of displaying wealth:

Decadence.

With it comes the downfall of empires. Don't adjust your set!

Step One:

[Anonymous Coward]

Taste it.

tedious manual stuff

[Anonymous Coward]

I don't know why you are doing a manual process, which is surely error prone, and besides, you're contaminating the beans by touching them.

I have a robotic system that separates the beans using a video based inspection system (based on the GIMP, of course) and commands a 3d printer to spit out individual bean holders. A robotic arm places the beans into the holders, which are then mounted in a 5 axis articulated gimbal. An array of heliostats on the hill opposite my house are controlled to precisely direct the required amount of sunlight onto each bean, which is carefully moved in a controlled path for even heating to the optimum toastiness. this is controlled by open source software running on a beowulf cluster of cast off Atari 2600s, for which I designed and fabricated a custom mask ROM. Let me tell you, fitting GIMP, MPI, and Linux into that ROM was a challenge, since I couldn't use any non-open-source/non-FREE tools as that would be a sin. Back to Rubylith and a razor blade.

Home made...

[Anonymous Coward]

I still think we should be able to make a perfectly acceptable version using ferrets.

Re:Easy - Wrong category mod.

[pellik]

I thought this way when I lived in Seattle. Now that I live on the East Coast I find that Starbucks hits the 90th percentile for quality around here. Standardization of shit is a huge step up in most of the country.

To give you an idea of how bad it is- most people here seem to think that Dunken' Donuts has the best coffee.

God do I miss a perfectly pulled shot of espresso where the bitterness is only on the tip of your tongue and there is no salty aftertaste.

Don't forget the MS

[Anonymous Coward]

Great. Now I just need a mass spectrometer to go along with my morning brew. By the time the analysis is complete, the coffee is stale.

Re: Easy - Wrong category mod.

[nbritton]

God do I miss a perfectly pulled shot of espresso where the bitterness is only on the tip of your tongue and there is no salty aftertaste.

I find that brewing extra bold dark roast K-cups on the smallest cup size in my Keurig is good enough. Mix with milk, or your favorite creamer, and it makes an decent latte for 50 cents a cup. Sumatran Reserve is my favorite simply because it's fair trade certified, however the Italiain and French roasts produce the most authentic espresso like results.

Can we fake it now?

[Just Some Guy]

If we've identified the chemicals that distinguish it from un-shatted coffee, can we add those to regular coffee and get something oh-so-wonderful that hasn't come out of a cat's ass? "Our coffee tastes like shit (but isn't really)! TM"

Re: Easy - Wrong category mod.

[nbritton]

I don't mean to imply you can make actual espresso, what I meant is that for 50 cents a cup it's close enough that you'll be satisfied with the results. It's comparable to an Americano.

Another Option - Reset your taste buds

[danknight48]

Its a case of resetting your taste buds:
Drink Nescafe Original all day, every day.
Any type of coffee you try from now on will be luxury.

Re:Easy - Wrong category mod.

[Anonymous Coward]

I've heard of Dunkin' Donuts. Is this "Dunken" variant some redneck moron imitation?

Re:easier answer -- retort

[cundare]

Somebody gave me 4oz of Kopi beans last year for Xmas, as a gag gift. It took a few cups to get used to it, because, to my surprise, it really did taste unlike any other coffee I'd ever had. By the time I finished that 4 oz, it was hard going back to the more affordable burnt-tasting dark roasts (or even the nominal Central American light roasts) that Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts have made so popular. In fact, the difference was so dramatic that, even if it wasn't unanticipated, there's no way it could have been chalked up to confirmation error. The Kopi had a distinctive, woody flavor, without a trace of acidity or harshness. Like the difference between macrobiotic or authentic Asian vegetarian fare (which hasn't been sweetened or deep-fried for the Western palette) and burnt-black overcooked BBQ. Or better, yet, like the difference between "Kind of Blue" and "Yeezus." Not for everybody, obviously, but it gave me the sense of drinking a beverage made from a vegetable source. And no, despite the Valley Girl ewwww factor, I could's no detect no residue of the, um, civet digestive process.

So I suggest trying a cup of the real stuff before dismissing out of hand. I've been a (Gaia help me) "coffee enthusiast" for decades, but I've never tasted anything as radical as Kopi. My new favorite.

Rather Useless

[tmjva]

No one is going to tote around a mini chem lab to their favorite coffee outlet. Unless they offer a marketable test kit, (that works like litmus paper or a hand held device), the method is rather useless.