Thanks, Troll Judge. Sure, it's predictable; I've been crapflooding that particular piece of work for a year or two now. I must have been at least half-drunk when I wrote it. But I never tire of reading about Hemos getting broken in by Gay Nik.
It's called SpamIt, and uses MySQL as its backend.
Thank Jebus that they weren't using a real RDBMS! Otherwise, SpamIt would have been able to send out thousands of times more spam. Wow... for once, MySQL's laughable limitations have done something good for the Cheap Software community.
I'm surprised, though -- with all of the money floating around in the spammer community, you'd think SpamIt would have been able to afford to hire some real developers, instead of amateur Cheap Software losers who don't understand taht the combination of third-party extensions and additional application logic required to properly and correctly implement a database application using MySQL makes its vaunted "speed" advantage worthless. I mean, commercial RDBMS products aren't that expensive (in terms of a real company's expenses; you lame DotBomb startups can suck the industry's collective dicks), and even PostgreSQL is an incredible improvement over that piece of shite called MySQL.
How Hemos Got His Groove Back,
A Short Story by The_Messenger
===///===
"Nik, I'm not comfortable with your hand being on my ass."
"But come on, baby, you know you want it," Nik insisted. How had I, Jeff "Hemos" Bates, gotten myself into such a predicament? Sure, I'd always thought Nik was cute, and even though I never formally came out, Nik always seemed to know the wife was a front all along. And when "Gay" Nik, famous in the Open Source Community for his insatiable desire for rough gay sex, invited me to help him set up his new FreeBSD box, I had an idea something was up. Little did I know that "something" was Nik's ten inches of rock-hard manmeat, pulsing through his faded Levi's jeans like a wild jungle snake.
"Nik, you're hurting me!", I whelped.
"And that's just the way you like it, bitch," Nik snarled. "You know that famous cartoon of the daemon giving it to the penguin in the behind? Thats gonna be you and me, mate," Nate said with a flick of his golden blond highlighted locks. His English accent was so charming... it almost made such awful things sound nice. But no, I mustn't go down that road... "But first," Nik continued, "we must set up this FreeBSD box. FreeBSD is the only true homosexual operating system, and so you will learn it, because I tell you to. I won't have any dirty Linux user sucking my balls."
"Oh, Nik," I whispered, batting my eyelashes, "must you always be so forceful?" Nik slapped my ass and laughed.
"Calm down, you pansy. You don't know the meaning of forceful yet. Now grab that 4.2 CD." I leaned over and grabbed the CD set for FreeBSD 4.2. Nik got his media free from Walnut Creek, because the admins there were terrified of him. Rumour has it that one Walnut Creek operator who refused to send Nik the latest FreeBSD CD kit for free was found in the machine room the next morning duct-taped to a chair with an RJ45 crimper jammed into his bloody asshole. Ever since, Nik has been sent prerelease copies of every FreeBSD set.
All of my administration experience is with Red Hat, so I was a little scared to try a real operating system, but with Nik's expert guidance, I was well on my way to learning this queer OS. Nik showed me how to use the curses-based installation tool to partition my disks, select an installation profile, and set up XFree86. Within an hour, the system was installed, and rebooted back to a command prompt.
I was standing in front of the console when Nik came up behind me.
"How's it going, mate?" he asked.
"Oh, Nik," I said, startled, "you startled me. I'm just trying to mount this CD-ROM's filesystem. The commands are similar, but this Berkely csh takes a little getting used to."
"Let me help, love," he murmured. He stepped closer behind me, and I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. I moved my hands away from the keyboard to allow him access, and he mounted the drive with blinding speed. "There, all better. Anything else you need mounted, love?"
"Oh, Nik..." I said quietly, my breath rushing out. Nik stepped closer, and I could feel his hot tool pressing into the depression of my asscrack through his jeans. "Oh, Nik, yes, there is something you could mount." I couldn't take it any longer. This strapping Englishman's dominant sexuality had overcome my fears of public embarrassment, and there I vowed to myself that from that day forward I would be Nik's woman. I threw my arms behind me, grabbed his ass, and pulled him closer. "Show me your hard drive, you naughty little daemon."
"Much obliged," Nik said with a wink. "But I'm anything but little." Nik slowly pulled off his tight jeans and out sprang the biggest, thickest cock I had ever seen. Now I watch a lot of gay pornography, but never in the depths of my deepest homosexual desire had I craved a dick this magnificent. It was like a juicy flank steak, dripping with juices. The aroma of ballcheese wafted up toward me as his mammoth testicles swung like pendulums of eroticism. I lost control and feel to my knees instantly, slobbering greedily at the wonderous thing, struggling, in vain, to fit the monstrous cockhead into my mouth.
"Oh, Nik," I cried, "I want you, I need you, I must have you. Make me your woman."
"And so I will mate, but first I must prepare you. Take off your clothes," Nik commanded. I clumsily undressed, unable to take my eyes off of his prodigious member. Nik reached over to his backpack (the one with the rainbow patches) and took out five jars of Astroglide lubricant. When I was finally naked, Nik looked up.
"Oh, well look at that," Nik said, pointing to my tiny, erect penis. "How cute. It's almost as small as Jon Katz's."
"Now, Nik, don't make fun," I said, sternly.
"I'm just kidding, love. To be honest, I like the 'little boy' look. I see you've shaved your pubes. Nice."
"Oh, Nik, I never had pubes..."
"Even better. You bald testicles remind me of my youth, when I was gang-raped by my daddy and four uncles."
"You were molested too?" I asked, hopeful.
"Of course, mate. All us faggots were. Now turn around and kneel in front of the couch." I did, and Nik proceeded to slather my virgin rosebud with three jars of Astroglide. As he did, he worked his fingers in and out of my asshole. My tiny penis was completely erect, almost touching my navel. Nik reached down and stroked it with two fingers (all that was necessary) was he prepared my anus. I moaned and sighed, and called out Rob Malda's name several times in my ecstacy. But Nik stopped before I could waste my seed, and stood back.
" Hemos, I think you've inspected my hard disk for long enough. Now I'm going to give your box more RAM."
"Oh, yes, Nik, RAM my box! R007 m3! 0wn me!"
"Hemos, it gets me so hot when you speak l337. Keep doing so." I let loose a string of l337 speak which would make even the most k-r4d w4R3z d00d blush, and Nik's penis began the descent towards my throbbing asshole.
"Oh!" I screamed, as Nik's gigantor began to rend my asshole to proportions only G. Oatse had known before. "Oh, Nik, pump my virgin geek asshole! Use and abuse me like Jon Katz did the Slashdot community! Pingflood my rectum like I'm running Red Hat 7! For the love of Barbara Streisand, Slashdot my ass!!"
The pumping and thrusting started, and didn't stop for 78 hours. Nik took me on a wild, shit-caked tour of Heaven, Hell, and San Francisco. I was on the edge of consciousness when he reached climax. He spewed gallons upon gallons of creamy sputum into my rectal cavity, filling my body up with his love. My abdomen swelled up like a water balloon, and I could taste his cum in the back of my throat when the tide finally ceased. I fell to the floor, and Nik stood up.
"Now you are mine, and a l337 FreeBSD user. I dub three Lord Hemos, proud and gay, and you shall sit at my right hand in Wales, where I rule the Court of FreeBSD Committers with an iron fist and a steel cock. Stand up, Lord Hemos, and let me eat your dirty ass."
Nik helped me up, and I weakly stood, amazed, as Nik proceeded to eat my asshole clean. Nik was on his knees behind me, lowered to the same level as the lowest California gigalo. Much like Jesus would wash the feet as his followers, Nik inducted his lovers into his secret cabal of Gay FreeBSD Love by dining on their sore, runny assholes. He ingested his own jizzm, completing the Circle of Gay.
When my rump had healed, I left Michigan (and my wife) on a journey with Nik to the UK, a Gay Wonderland rumoured to be the birthplace of homosexuality. I learned the gay alphabet, gay spelling ("It's 'coluououour', stupid American! Tee hee!"), and to use the gay currency (uro), and had a BSD Daemon tattooed on my ass with the phrase "Property of Gay Nik".
This has all happened so fast! It's hard to believe that only six hours ago, I was Jeff Bates, closeted homosexual and Linux user. I'm so glad that Nik and I got together, and I credit everything to FreeBSD, the l337est and Gayest UNIX-clone in the Universe! I invite you to check out your local FreeBSD user group and check us out!
These days, I'm very busy with FreeBSD and being Nik's trophy wife, but I've also created HEMOS, the Homoerotic Male Outreach service, an organization dedicated to saving poor young men from the perils of heterosexuality and Linux-userhood. We've already saved Cowboy Neal (how could a guy with a name like that not be queer?) and Emmett will be coming along soon. Please join us!
Please read this post closely all the way to the end.
In reality, I made that statement because Red Hat and KDE suck. But not because they're geared for ease of use -- just the opposite. Without getting into the details, I'll say that Red Hat is a poor choice for new users because it's a security bullseye with an awful default install, much more likely to get newbies into trouble, both by installing new software and patches. And I think that KDE's interface is inferior to GNOME's for a newbie who wants to learn new things.
So your bitchiness is unwarranted. I'm not knocking ease of use -- I just think that Red Hat and KDE are poor choices. Personally, I recommend SuSE and GNOME to new users.
Now before we go any further, I'd like to point out that I know you're a newbie, and there's nothing wrong with that. One way that I know was your lumping together of SuSE (an ease-of-use commercial distro) with Debian (a ultra-customizable anti-commercial distro). But there's nothing wrong with being a newbie! Everyone was a newbie once, myself included.
I started off with Red Hat and Windowmaker, for fuck's sake. And I saw the light. You, being a newbie, would have been better off asking, "why does this person think that Red Hat and KDE are for newbies?" Then, dear n00b, I would have written an eloquent reply much better than this one, educating you and making you less of a newbie. You see, part of learning is accepting that people have opposing viewpoints. By studying their motivation, you just might have a change of heart yourself.
My original comment was intended to be a humorous remark for other anti-Red Hat anti-KDE users. I was saying, "Red Hat and KDE are so awful that only a person without experience would choose them." I wasn't being condescending. I'm sorry that you're "scared" of GNU/Linux and have encountered people who mocked you for your newbie status, but please try to understand that I am not among them. Also please try to understand that you will find Mac OS and Windows users who are just as awful as the Linux assholes. Your skin is just a bit too thin.
Much of your comment was valid. In general, many Linux users are assholes about newbies. But you chose the wrong person to complain to about that, and instead attacked someone who has personally gone to LUG meetings just to help newbies install their first Linux distro. And in that same spirit, I apologize if my comment seemed anti-newbie. It was not intended in that way. In return, I'd like you to admit that maybe you should have tried to find out more about my viewpoint before reacting too quickly.
And enjoy your newbie status, friend, because being a newbie only means that you have that much more fun to have learning. In closing, I will give you the official Linux Hug Smily. Here it is: {'<`} If you look closely, you can see Tux extending his arms in a warm and friendly embrace.
My one word of warning is that Linux, being without the single drive for ease-of-use that Mac OS and Windows have to varying degress, is not a system that "just works" in the way you imagine. No distro has completely created such a system. Maybe in years to come, but not yet... unfortunately, some subgroubs of both the GNOME and KDE projects are actively working to discourage new users from trying Linux.
Yay, yet another moron joins the conversation to share his extremely rare, freakish personal circumstances, whose consequences will not apply to a single other person reading this article. No one else cares that you're a criminal or an illegal immigrant or a con artist or a grunt and you have to move every fucking two months.
I mean, if some headless quadriplegic is reading the article, he certainly doesn't expect anyone to consider his situation representative of of the world population's. Therefore, he doesn't post a reply saying, "Sadly, I cannot even dial a phone, being without arms, legs, or a head. Until advances in remote stump-controlled robotic monkeys allow me to dial a phone, nothing in this article possibly applies to me as an individual, and therefore it is wrong for Slashdot to have ever posted it."
You're almost as bad as those idiots who complain about Slashdot being too "US-centric." No fucking shit, it's an American website started in America by Americans hosted at an American datacenter and read primarily by Americans living in America. If you want the local news, turn on the "tele" or read the newspaper or take a donkey down to the general store or do whatever you normally do to hear region-specific news. The Web has not yet reached the point of idiocy where all American websites are required to post US-centric disclaimers lest some pale splay-toothed goat-faced layabout living in a hovel in some has-been Eurotrash country of no international consequence (besides UN/NATO membership, tee hee) be offended and be forced to post a whiny complaint along the lines of "Hear hear, chaps, I don't think it's very sporting of you to post news related to America, because I'm not an American. How dare you remind me of my country's complete lack of significance in the realms technology and entertainment! If you continue, I may be forced to wet myself."
In conclusion: you are a loser. If you have nothing to contribute to the conversation except some bitchy little reminder that some people are forced to change their phone numbers every five minutes, you should stop posting, you brainless attention-starved fucktard. Please, never post again. Or, better yet, kill yourself. Or, better yet, kill yourself, and your entire family, and your entire circle of frien -- oops, nevermind. Just kill your family to ensure that further defecation in the genepool is kept to a minimum. And remember to kill your family before killing yourself, brainiac.
The problem of "what do we do with all of this money that our pansy socialist government stole^H^H^H^H^Hcollected from the people, other than reading their email and recording their telephone conversations of course?"
There's also the possibility that the government spy stooges are using MySQL, and are discovering its limitations (i.e. total unsuitability for anything except poorly designed weblogs and GeoCities guestbooks). By giving every citizen a phone number, email address, and website according to such a moronic convention, it will be much easier to monitor communication for thoughtcrime (i.e. "Why does my government ask for more money when my representatives wear $4000 suits and drive $80k luxury cars?" or "Gee, I sure would like to own a firearm."). As it is, government stooges are forced to painstakingly collect these data from separate sources, raising the government's level of inefficiency to... well, pretty much the same level as usual, but it's still quite a bother.
Stupid, dirty Australian scum. But I guess that a country with no technological innovation, no intellectual worth, terrible sports teams and piss-tasting beer doesn't have much else to do. I mean, how else are you able to outdo England's stupidity year after year?
By the way, after we're through decimating Iraq, I hope that we target Australia next. After all, we mustn't overlook Australia's one valuable national resource: the brute animal labor of its thick-headed populace. American farms can save money by replacing expensive -- not to mention delicious -- animal labor (sorry, "labour") with a cheap, expendable Australian work force. The farmers will save money, the animal rights groups will complain less, and, by exporting all hard labor "jobs" to Australia, there will be more American land to turn into parks and country clubs. The beautiful thing about this plan is that no one loses! Well, the Australians might disagree, but even if some of the brighter bull Aussies become self-aware and raise a fuss, no one will be able to understand their words with those ridiculous accents.
Thank you for pointing that out -- we trolls appreciate your vain attempt to educate the unwashed Slashdot masses. Unfortunately, I think that most Slashdotters will continue to call it IEEE1394 -- much like they prefer an operating system with an undeveloped, unprofessional interface which gives them an excuse not to do any real work and thus prove their insignificance, Slashdotters also prefer using arcane and obsolete terminology to describe simple concepts, in an attempt to leverage (read: inflate) the little knowledge that they have and obfuscate (read: hide) their ignorance.
For the non-lamers in the crowd -- no, not you, I'm talking about those who realize that Malda, like 99% of this site's readers, is a retard wannabe -- here is a link to Apple's press release re: 1394 brand's adoption of the FireWire trademark. The announcement is from May 2002; I fully expect Slashdot's "editors" (hah!) to be clued-in about it before the end of the year and post it as "news".
And in case any of you lamers in the crowd decide to go check and find that Slashdot did already feature the announcement, I have a response prepared for you: In that case, I fully expect the "editors" (heh heh...) to forget about the announcement and repost it before the end of the year. See? They're dumbasses either way. You know trolls own you. (Even Trollaxor, whose website will be back online as soon as GeoCities starts offering free Scoop hosting.)
. . . every time I've been to a traffic violation hearing (which I've actually only gone to one myself, though my lawyer has gone to a couple on my behalf) . ..
Um, if you're spending that much time in traffic court, maybe you should start taking the fucking bus to work. I'd imagine that the court will only accept so many whiny "but it wasn't my fault!" defenses before recognizing your familiar face and taking your stupid, dangerous ass off the road. And maybe, when that happens, you'll be taught a lesson about what the American public thinks of litigious morons who think the law doesn't apply to them.
While I cannot speak for the original poster, I can say that if I read every article on Slashdot, I would hardly have time to post such informative and insightful comments. And wouldn't that truly be a shame? Think of the children, you one-balled motherfucker.
Besides, exactly what about Janis's "article" warrants attention? If I read everything written by every haggy old never-was "folk" singer who got her fat ass off the couch long enough to find GeoCities, I'd have considerably less time for stealing the music of real musicians. Just because Slashdot always falls for the Interview/Ask Slashdot "I have a legitimate cause, really! Now please give me free publicity and webpage hits!" ruse doesn't mean that we non-dipshits have to. Loser.
You think that the problem in Africa is caused by unprotected gay sex? No, it's caused by men and women, fucking indiscriminantly, without any thought of protection, and without any care for whether or not their bastard children will be infected with this ailment.
Gay doesn't have anything to do with it. Gays are stereotypically thought of AIDS carriers for two reasons: first, the theory that anal sex is more risky, and second, the idea that gay men are promiscuous. (The second actually makes some sense, because men are horny 24/7 and once you remove frigid women from the equation, it only makes sense that gay life would be a round-the-clock orgy, right? Well, in practice, it isn't quite that simple.) However, I'd be willing to guess that the average gay man is safer than the average straight man, because gays saw the tragedies of AIDS firsthand years before the general population was being lectured everyday.
Note that I only apply that statement to men who started fucking after 1990.
Your uncle had the excuse that he didn't know any better -- after all, it was the 70s, and homosexual drug users were a dime a dozen (and in some parts of Frisco they were actually a dime for fifteen). But today, things are different. We don't know as much about AIDS as we think, but we do know that it's most commonly spread through unprotected sex and shared needles. (Yes, the fabled blood transfusion possibility exists, but bringing that up in a discussion about AIDS makes as much sense as pro-choice lobbyists claiming that abortion must remain legal as an option for raped women. We can't base policy on the %0.2 who happen to be really unlucky. "Tyranny of the majority" be damned.)
Now, you watch the news today, you hear stories about how the majority of the population of Africa argues that AIDS is a myth, or is caused by evil spirits, et cetera. You even hear about how the governments of African nations distribute misinformation and refuse to accept any AIDS relief except money (which then goes to buy more outdated Soviet military equipment.) These idiots are constantly harassed by Westerners to use condoms, get AIDS tests, et cetera, but the Africans just don't get it. "It's caused by evil spirits, or it doesn't exist! Really!" So they don't use condoms and don't abstain from sex -- they go right on fucking each other, all the while trying to save themselves by praying to heathen gods and sacrificing chickens.
These people are savages. I'm not being racist at all -- I just happen to think that if you deny scientific facts and tell each other ghost stories while your countrymen are fucking dying, you're a fucking sloped-forehead caveman. I mean, can't these people just stop fucking each other? What are they, animals? Why are we trying so hard to save a population whose primary interests are military dictatorships, spam-based fraud, and fucking each other uncontrollably whilst spreading a fatal illness? When do we come to the point where we can make a value judgement and say, "if you want to kill yourselves, you go right on ahead." Fuck, is that why the human race spread from Africa in the first place -- to escape all of that stupidity?
The bottom line is that Africa shuns science and embraces ignorance. Let the fuckers die -- if you ask me, it's Darwin at work. AIDS might just be a Godsend -- a disease that kills people who can't restrain their animal instincts for anything, even when their own lives are at stake.
I don't care if you're black or white, hetero or homo, man or woman -- if you have unprotected sex or share needles in today's world, you deserve whatever the fuck you get, and I'm not going to pay to give "relief" to people whose miseries are their own fucking fault. (And for the AIDS babies in the audience, it's your parents' fault. Hopefully you, having AIDS, are well-versed enough with the harshness of reality to shun tribal stupidity.)
I realize that my opinion is unpopular, but I refuse to sit idly by while we waste time and money trying to save people who obviously would much rather die. I'm all for feeding the hungry, offering medical aid to victims of minefields, and helping build educational infrastructure in African countries... those are worthy causes, and the victims of hunger and war usually had no role in creating their own misery. But we shouldn't waste time with those who can't understand these two simple words:
Can we lay off the VA Linux^H^H^H^H^HSoftware advertising? Source Forge is lame. Not one siginificant project is hosted there. If Source Forge disappeared tommorrow -- a distinct possibility, I mean if Larry Augustin can't afford to fix the brakes on his 1986 Fury, I'm sure that keeping the Forge online isn't a priority -- the [real] computer industry wouldn't even notice.
Why? Partly because hardly anyone has even heard of SourceForge. Guess it's hard to get advertising funds giving away shit for free, eh Larry? It's not even a question of whether you went to business school; it's a question of whether you learned algebra. Maybe you should study basic arithmetic before looking for a new job. I'll help you start: it is necessary to understand the concept of "zero" to calculate negative numbers, such as, to give a completely random example, VA Software's potential revenue. To learn about zeros, try following Michael Sims around for a few days. *Ahem...*
The primary, most important reason why Source Forge is about as popular as OpenBSD is because it fucking sucks. I've evaluated the damn thing, and now I use it as one of my example reasons not to trust Open Source. Wow, does it suck! With so many good project management tools to steal ideas from, I'm amazed that SourceForge didn't turn out to be less,you know, fucking sucky.
Oh, wait, I know... it's because most project management tools cost money, right? Sorry, I know that's a sticking point with you Open Source amateurs. It must suck, living in a world wherein things cost money. Us real developers would to help you out, really, but we're too busy spending the gobs of money that we make, every day! Anyway, it must be tough. not being able to buy commercial software from which to steal ideas. I imagine that if Windows 98 weren't so readily available, GNOME wouldn't be half the lame piece of shit that it is now.
Let's recap... in order to make money from developing a project management tool, you have to sell it. Dictionary.com defines "to sell" as "to exchange or deliver for money or its equivalent. ". This my first point: to make money, don't give products away for free. Now, here comes the complicated part: in order to sell a product, the product must be in demand. A project management tool will be in demand if it offers superior functionality and reliability at a reasonable price. Now SourceForge is impressive -- for a hobby project. But when compared to professional tools -- used by the professionals whose money you hope to obtain -- it just can't hold up to scrutiny. It's like comparing The GIMP to Photoshop... the GIMP is great for free-as-in-beer software, but it isn't even in the same league as Photoshop, and thus graphics professionals choose Photoshop over the GIMP despite the fact that the GIMP is free-as-in-beer.
1997-Present: Perl guy, Slashdot.org
I rote a lot of the Perl scripts on this populer Open-Source/Free Softwear news site. I am good at Perl, wich is teh best because Lunix is wrote in Perl! (I use Lunix.) I made fun of Micorsoft, and played a lot of games on my Windows box. (It is'nt my fualt, cuz Loki don't port DIABLO ][!) I also disocerved anime^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hwatched a lot of anime, becuz I have ben a fan of teh anime and I haev watched it for years, dispite that wut that lamer The_Messenger sez about me being a "newbie latecommer wannabbe". DZB is teh best!! I helped Slashdot marge with VA Lunix^H^H^H^HSo^H^H^HSoftwaer, whitch is a vary good company but now they are broke becuz teh buzniss world wuz not ready for Open-Source Softwares:( but! it is not because open Sources is not a vayable busznis straegy, realy!! Haevn't u read teh catherdal and teh bazar?;) Anyways I am good at teh Perl and I hate bill gates and he eats poo!
Slashdot pisses me off these days. The intelligent conversation and interesting stories left years ago, and all that's left is pointless anti-corporate, anti-government, pro-criminal bullshit. The only fun is left in trolling, and Michael "Assfuck Jizzguzzler NAZI" Sims bans accounts and IPs so fast that even trolling is a bother.
Your reputation is soured. All of you are cursed for having been associated with Slashdot.org. Shut down SourceForge, shut down Slashdot, take out a loan from your ThinkGeek friends, and spend the cash on Ramen and bottled water so that you'll survive the long, cold winter in whatever lame hick religion-crazed midwest state you live in. The joyride is over. The advertising revenue is gone. All that's left is a group of sweaty, immature Perl guys and a couple grand worth of slow Intel hardware. Shut it all down, recoup your losses, and help Larry buy those new brakes.
That's right, chump. And what's more, you'll probably get AIDS from the South African heathens that they have handling the shiny little bastards.
Man, I wish that I could assign an arbitary value to a worthless rock. Maybe I should start telling people that pumice is the diamond of the future... awww yeah, baby, pumice is forever! See those holes? Those are value holes! The mo' holes, the mo' better, bitch!
LOL. There's a McDonalds within a five-minute walk from my office, but I usually drive ten minutes to another one, because the one near the office doesn't have a drive-thru.
What's really cool are the drive-thru Starbucks. I only know of one in the [DC metropolitan] area, and unfortunately I'd have to go out of my way to drive there. I'm willing to drive an hour for good sandwiches, but not for sort-of-good coffee...
What? Magnetic trains? I thought the nice man said that I was signing a petition for free Jointritis! You know, the man who lives under my bed and who told me the truth about how alien creatures are agents of GOD who were sent to keep the Mexicans away from my lawn. Oh dear, I hope that the nice man has not made another mistake, like when he told me that by punching out all of the chads, it would mean extra votes for that nice boy Al Gore. That was obviously a conspiracy orchistrated by those evil Republicans, selflishly always trying to take back freedoms from our wonderful government. They are surely in league with SATAN, and I hope that I am able to avoid their mind-control rays. My mind is just as sharp today as it was eighty years ago, and I'll be darned if any mind-control rays are going to keep me from reading Slashdot. Those Slashdot fellows are pretty interesting, much more so than the Inquirer or other tabloids. Why, the other day, they had a story about GODLESS corporations that are trying to make money by selling goods and services for profit! I'll tell you, if Al Gore were in the White House today, he would have put a stop to that, right quick!
But John Cheese manages to serve a popular web page without spewing popups everywhere like your lame site's stupid readers spew shit from every orifice. I guess John Cheese is just a better person than you!
Your stupid homepage is hilarious. It doesn't make sense for a computer manufacturer to give away free webspace, and it is only the Mac's unpopularity that allowed Apple to do so financially for several years. Take your lame personal homepage to GeoCities like the chump you are.
How Hemos Got His Groove Back, A Short Story by The_Messenger
===///===
"Nik, I'm not comfortable with your hand being on my ass."
"But come on, baby, you know you want it," Nik insisted. How had I, Jeff "Hemos" Bates, gotten myself into such a predicament? Sure, I'd always thought Nik was cute, and even though I never formally came out, Nik always seemed to know the wife was a front all along. And when "Gay" Nik, famous in the Open Source Community for his insatiable desire for rough gay sex, invited me to help him set up his new FreeBSD box, I had an idea something was up. Little did I know that "something" was Nik's ten inches of rock-hard manmeat, pulsing through his faded Levi's jeans like a wild jungle snake.
"Nik, you're hurting me!", I whelped.
"And that's just the way you like it, bitch," Nik snarled. "You know that famous cartoon of the daemon giving it to the penguin in the behind? Thats gonna be you and me, mate," Nate said with a flick of his golden blond highlighted locks. His English accent was so charming... it almost made such awful things sound nice. But no, I mustn't go down that road... "But first," Nik continued, "we must set up this FreeBSD box. FreeBSD is the only true homosexual operating system, and so you will learn it, because I tell you to. I won't have any dirty Linux user sucking my balls."
"Oh, Nik," I whispered, batting my eyelashes, "must you always be so forceful?" Nik slapped my ass and laughed.
"Calm down, you pansy. You don't know the meaning of forceful yet. Now grab that 4.2 CD." I leaned over and grabbed the CD set for FreeBSD 4.2. Nik got his media free from Walnut Creek, because the admins there were terrified of him. Rumour has it that one Walnut Creek operator who refused to send Nik the latest FreeBSD CD kit for free was found in the machine room the next morning duct-taped to a chair with an RJ45 crimper jammed into his bloody asshole. Ever since, Nik has been sent prerelease copies of every FreeBSD set.
All of my administration experience is with Red Hat, so I was a little scared to try a real operating system, but with Nik's expert guidance, I was well on my way to learning this queer OS. Nik showed me how to use the curses-based installation tool to partition my disks, select an installation profile, and set up XFree86. Within an hour, the system was installed, and rebooted back to a command prompt.
I was standing in front of the console when Nik came up behind me.
"How's it going, mate?" he asked.
"Oh, Nik," I said, startled, "you startled me. I'm just trying to mount this CD-ROM's filesystem. The commands are similar, but this Berkely csh takes a little getting used to."
"Let me help, love," he murmured. He stepped closer behind me, and I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. I moved my hands away from the keyboard to allow him access, and he mounted the drive with blinding speed. "There, all better. Anything else you need mounted, love?"
"Oh, Nik..." I said quietly, my breath rushing out. Nik stepped closer, and I could feel his hot tool pressing into the depression of my asscrack through his jeans. "Oh, Nik, yes, there is something you could mount." I couldn't take it any longer. This strapping Englishman's dominant sexuality had overcome my fears of public embarrassment, and there I vowed to myself that from that day forward I would be Nik's woman. I threw my arms behind me, grabbed his ass, and pulled him closer. "Show me your hard drive, you naughty little daemon."
"Much obliged," Nik said with a wink. "But I'm anything but little." Nik slowly pulled off his tight jeans and out sprang the biggest, thickest cock I had ever seen. Now I watch a lot of gay pornography, but never in the depths of my deepest homosexual desire had I craved a dick this magnificent. It was like a juicy flank steak, dripping with juices. The aroma of ballcheese wafted up toward me as his mammoth testicles swung like pendulums of eroticism. I lost control and feel to my knees instantly, slobbering greedily at the wonderous thing, struggling, in vain, to fit the monstrous cockhead into my mouth.
"Oh, Nik," I cried, "I want you, I need you, I must have you. Make me your woman."
"And so I will mate, but first I must prepare you. Take off your clothes," Nik commanded. I clumsily undressed, unable to take my eyes off of his prodigious member. Nik reached over to his backpack (the one with the rainbow patches) and took out five jars of Astroglide lubricant. When I was finally naked, Nik looked up.
"Oh, well look at that," Nik said, pointing to my tiny, erect penis. "How cute. It's almost as small as Jon Katz's."
"Now, Nik, don't make fun," I said, sternly.
"I'm just kidding, love. To be honest, I like the 'little boy' look. I see you've shaved your pubes. Nice."
"Oh, Nik, I never had pubes..."
"Even better. You bald testicles remind me of my youth, when I was gang-raped by my daddy and four uncles."
"You were molested too?" I asked, hopeful.
"Of course, mate. All us faggots were. Now turn around and kneel in front of the couch." I did, and Nik proceeded to slather my virgin rosebud with three jars of Astroglide. As he did, he worked his fingers in and out of my asshole. My tiny penis was completely erect, almost touching my navel. Nik reached down and stroked it with two fingers (all that was necessary) was he prepared my anus. I moaned and sighed, and called out Rob Malda's name several times in my ecstacy. But Nik stopped before I could waste my seed, and stood back.
" Hemos, I think you've inspected my hard disk for long enough. Now I'm going to give your box more RAM."
"Oh, yes, Nik, RAM my box! R007 m3! 0wn me!"
"Hemos, it gets me so hot when you speak l337. Keep doing so." I let loose a string of l337 speak which would make even the most k-r4d w4R3z d00d blush, and Nik's penis began the descent towards my throbbing asshole.
"Oh!" I screamed, as Nik's gigantor began to rend my asshole to proportions only G. Oatse had known before. "Oh, Nik, pump my virgin geek asshole! Use and abuse me like Jon Katz did the Slashdot community! Pingflood my rectum like I'm running Red Hat 7! For the love of Barbara Streisand, Slashdot my ass!!"
The pumping and thrusting started, and didn't stop for 78 hours. Nik took me on a wild, shit-caked tour of Heaven, Hell, and San Francisco. I was on the edge of consciousness when he reached climax. He spewed gallons upon gallons of creamy sputum into my rectal cavity, filling my body up with his love. My abdomen swelled up like a water balloon, and I could taste his cum in the back of my throat when the tide finally ceased. I fell to the floor, and Nik stood up.
"Now you are mine, and a l337 FreeBSD user. I dub three Lord Hemos, proud and gay, and you shall sit at my right hand in Wales, where I rule the Court of FreeBSD Committers with an iron fist and a steel cock. Stand up, Lord Hemos, and let me eat your dirty ass."
Nik helped me up, and I weakly stood, amazed, as Nik proceeded to eat my asshole clean. Nik was on his knees behind me, lowered to the same level as the lowest California gigalo. Much like Jesus would wash the feet as his followers, Nik inducted his lovers into his secret cabal of Gay FreeBSD Love by dining on their sore, runny assholes. He ingested his own jizzm, completing the Circle of Gay.
When my rump had healed, I left Michigan (and my wife) on a journey with Nik to the UK, a Gay Wonderland rumoured to be the birthplace of homosexuality. I learned the gay alphabet, gay spelling ("It's 'coluououour', stupid American! Tee hee!"), and to use the gay currency (uro), and had a BSD Daemon tattooed on my ass with the phrase "Property of Gay Nik".
This has all happened so fast! It's hard to believe that only six hours ago, I was Jeff Bates, closeted homosexual and Linux user. I'm so glad that Nik and I got together, and I credit everything to FreeBSD, the l337est and Gayest UNIX-clone in the Universe! I invite you to check out your local FreeBSD user group and check us out!
These days, I'm very busy with FreeBSD and being Nik's trophy wife, but I've also created HEMOS, the Homoerotic Male Outreach service, an organization dedicated to saving poor young men from the perils of heterosexuality and Linux-userhood. We've already saved Cowboy Neal (how could a guy with a name like that not be queer?) and Emmett will be coming along soon. Please join us!
I underestimated your intelligence; the post I was originally responding to was obviously a fluke.
I'm not even going to bother responding to your venemous personal attacks on myself. The "icky text file" comment was particularly inappropriate -- hell, I have more UNIX boxes in my bedroom than you've had the pleasure to use in your entire life, little man. I'm hardly the mindless Windows maniac that you think I am, and if you can't understand that there are knowledgable UNIX experts who bear no ill will toward Microsoft, you're obviously a newbie yourself. Once you've been in the industry for more than six months and have time to ripen, I might consider talking to you again.
Your reply has only reinforced my position that a needlessly arrogant attitude and hostile rhetoric are the worst possible way to advocate technology. Believe it or not, you aren't helping the open-source community, and those of us who actually have logged significant time on major open-source projects would prefer that you shut your mouth and stop making open-source newbies think that Linux is only for assholes. I'm sorry that you hold your minor technical expertise in such high esteem, because you're blind to the fact that those "poor" C: drive losers are a part of the Internet as well.
Finally, your last sentence was all it really took to conclude that you are a loser. I wilfilly gave up my +2 bonus years before you even got this UID, newbie. (And you think it's an "honor?" Holy shit, I almost fell out of my chair laughing at that witticism. This is Slashdot, for fuck's sake.) One day I hope that you evolve enough to see the silliness of this shithole. In the meantime, try to stay in school long enough to get a job in spite of your awful social skills. The last thing that the open-source community needs is another bigot amateur like yourself.
I'm sorry for attempting to enlighten you. Please, continute to function as a Slashbot. I look forward to your reply -- which will probably include the words "M$" and "BSOD." Cheers, mate!
Slashdot Mirror
With homosexual kisses,
The_Messenger
I'm surprised, though -- with all of the money floating around in the spammer community, you'd think SpamIt would have been able to afford to hire some real developers, instead of amateur Cheap Software losers who don't understand taht the combination of third-party extensions and additional application logic required to properly and correctly implement a database application using MySQL makes its vaunted "speed" advantage worthless. I mean, commercial RDBMS products aren't that expensive (in terms of a real company's expenses; you lame DotBomb startups can suck the industry's collective dicks), and even PostgreSQL is an incredible improvement over that piece of shite called MySQL.
MySQL: The Amateur^WSlashdot Choice!
(Just kidding. A woman could never be President.)
A Short Story by The_Messenger
===///===
"Nik, I'm not comfortable with your hand being on my ass."
"But come on, baby, you know you want it," Nik insisted. How had I, Jeff "Hemos" Bates, gotten myself into such a predicament? Sure, I'd always thought Nik was cute, and even though I never formally came out, Nik always seemed to know the wife was a front all along. And when "Gay" Nik, famous in the Open Source Community for his insatiable desire for rough gay sex, invited me to help him set up his new FreeBSD box, I had an idea something was up. Little did I know that "something" was Nik's ten inches of rock-hard manmeat, pulsing through his faded Levi's jeans like a wild jungle snake.
"Nik, you're hurting me!", I whelped.
"And that's just the way you like it, bitch," Nik snarled. "You know that famous cartoon of the daemon giving it to the penguin in the behind? Thats gonna be you and me, mate," Nate said with a flick of his golden blond highlighted locks. His English accent was so charming... it almost made such awful things sound nice. But no, I mustn't go down that road... "But first," Nik continued, "we must set up this FreeBSD box. FreeBSD is the only true homosexual operating system, and so you will learn it, because I tell you to. I won't have any dirty Linux user sucking my balls."
"Oh, Nik," I whispered, batting my eyelashes, "must you always be so forceful?" Nik slapped my ass and laughed.
"Calm down, you pansy. You don't know the meaning of forceful yet. Now grab that 4.2 CD." I leaned over and grabbed the CD set for FreeBSD 4.2. Nik got his media free from Walnut Creek, because the admins there were terrified of him. Rumour has it that one Walnut Creek operator who refused to send Nik the latest FreeBSD CD kit for free was found in the machine room the next morning duct-taped to a chair with an RJ45 crimper jammed into his bloody asshole. Ever since, Nik has been sent prerelease copies of every FreeBSD set.
All of my administration experience is with Red Hat, so I was a little scared to try a real operating system, but with Nik's expert guidance, I was well on my way to learning this queer OS. Nik showed me how to use the curses-based installation tool to partition my disks, select an installation profile, and set up XFree86. Within an hour, the system was installed, and rebooted back to a command prompt.
I was standing in front of the console when Nik came up behind me.
"How's it going, mate?" he asked.
"Oh, Nik," I said, startled, "you startled me. I'm just trying to mount this CD-ROM's filesystem. The commands are similar, but this Berkely csh takes a little getting used to."
"Let me help, love," he murmured. He stepped closer behind me, and I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. I moved my hands away from the keyboard to allow him access, and he mounted the drive with blinding speed. "There, all better. Anything else you need mounted, love?"
"Oh, Nik..." I said quietly, my breath rushing out. Nik stepped closer, and I could feel his hot tool pressing into the depression of my asscrack through his jeans. "Oh, Nik, yes, there is something you could mount." I couldn't take it any longer. This strapping Englishman's dominant sexuality had overcome my fears of public embarrassment, and there I vowed to myself that from that day forward I would be Nik's woman. I threw my arms behind me, grabbed his ass, and pulled him closer. "Show me your hard drive, you naughty little daemon."
"Much obliged," Nik said with a wink. "But I'm anything but little." Nik slowly pulled off his tight jeans and out sprang the biggest, thickest cock I had ever seen. Now I watch a lot of gay pornography, but never in the depths of my deepest homosexual desire had I craved a dick this magnificent. It was like a juicy flank steak, dripping with juices. The aroma of ballcheese wafted up toward me as his mammoth testicles swung like pendulums of eroticism. I lost control and feel to my knees instantly, slobbering greedily at the wonderous thing, struggling, in vain, to fit the monstrous cockhead into my mouth.
"Oh, Nik," I cried, "I want you, I need you, I must have you. Make me your woman."
"And so I will mate, but first I must prepare you. Take off your clothes," Nik commanded. I clumsily undressed, unable to take my eyes off of his prodigious member. Nik reached over to his backpack (the one with the rainbow patches) and took out five jars of Astroglide lubricant. When I was finally naked, Nik looked up.
"Oh, well look at that," Nik said, pointing to my tiny, erect penis. "How cute. It's almost as small as Jon Katz's."
"Now, Nik, don't make fun," I said, sternly.
"I'm just kidding, love. To be honest, I like the 'little boy' look. I see you've shaved your pubes. Nice."
"Oh, Nik, I never had pubes..."
"Even better. You bald testicles remind me of my youth, when I was gang-raped by my daddy and four uncles."
"You were molested too?" I asked, hopeful.
"Of course, mate. All us faggots were. Now turn around and kneel in front of the couch." I did, and Nik proceeded to slather my virgin rosebud with three jars of Astroglide. As he did, he worked his fingers in and out of my asshole. My tiny penis was completely erect, almost touching my navel. Nik reached down and stroked it with two fingers (all that was necessary) was he prepared my anus. I moaned and sighed, and called out Rob Malda's name several times in my ecstacy. But Nik stopped before I could waste my seed, and stood back.
" Hemos, I think you've inspected my hard disk for long enough. Now I'm going to give your box more RAM."
"Oh, yes, Nik, RAM my box! R007 m3! 0wn me!"
"Hemos, it gets me so hot when you speak l337. Keep doing so." I let loose a string of l337 speak which would make even the most k-r4d w4R3z d00d blush, and Nik's penis began the descent towards my throbbing asshole.
"Oh!" I screamed, as Nik's gigantor began to rend my asshole to proportions only G. Oatse had known before. "Oh, Nik, pump my virgin geek asshole! Use and abuse me like Jon Katz did the Slashdot community! Pingflood my rectum like I'm running Red Hat 7! For the love of Barbara Streisand, Slashdot my ass!!"
The pumping and thrusting started, and didn't stop for 78 hours. Nik took me on a wild, shit-caked tour of Heaven, Hell, and San Francisco. I was on the edge of consciousness when he reached climax. He spewed gallons upon gallons of creamy sputum into my rectal cavity, filling my body up with his love. My abdomen swelled up like a water balloon, and I could taste his cum in the back of my throat when the tide finally ceased. I fell to the floor, and Nik stood up.
"Now you are mine, and a l337 FreeBSD user. I dub three Lord Hemos, proud and gay, and you shall sit at my right hand in Wales, where I rule the Court of FreeBSD Committers with an iron fist and a steel cock. Stand up, Lord Hemos, and let me eat your dirty ass."
Nik helped me up, and I weakly stood, amazed, as Nik proceeded to eat my asshole clean. Nik was on his knees behind me, lowered to the same level as the lowest California gigalo. Much like Jesus would wash the feet as his followers, Nik inducted his lovers into his secret cabal of Gay FreeBSD Love by dining on their sore, runny assholes. He ingested his own jizzm, completing the Circle of Gay.
When my rump had healed, I left Michigan (and my wife) on a journey with Nik to the UK, a Gay Wonderland rumoured to be the birthplace of homosexuality. I learned the gay alphabet, gay spelling ("It's 'coluououour', stupid American! Tee hee!"), and to use the gay currency (uro), and had a BSD Daemon tattooed on my ass with the phrase "Property of Gay Nik".
This has all happened so fast! It's hard to believe that only six hours ago, I was Jeff Bates, closeted homosexual and Linux user. I'm so glad that Nik and I got together, and I credit everything to FreeBSD, the l337est and Gayest UNIX-clone in the Universe! I invite you to check out your local FreeBSD user group and check us out!
These days, I'm very busy with FreeBSD and being Nik's trophy wife, but I've also created HEMOS, the Homoerotic Male Outreach service, an organization dedicated to saving poor young men from the perils of heterosexuality and Linux-userhood. We've already saved Cowboy Neal (how could a guy with a name like that not be queer?) and Emmett will be coming along soon. Please join us!
Love,
Lord Hemos the Gay
THE END.
Send comments to trolltuesday@yahoo.com. Thanks.
Please read this post closely all the way to the end.
In reality, I made that statement because Red Hat and KDE suck. But not because they're geared for ease of use -- just the opposite. Without getting into the details, I'll say that Red Hat is a poor choice for new users because it's a security bullseye with an awful default install, much more likely to get newbies into trouble, both by installing new software and patches. And I think that KDE's interface is inferior to GNOME's for a newbie who wants to learn new things.
So your bitchiness is unwarranted. I'm not knocking ease of use -- I just think that Red Hat and KDE are poor choices. Personally, I recommend SuSE and GNOME to new users.
Now before we go any further, I'd like to point out that I know you're a newbie, and there's nothing wrong with that. One way that I know was your lumping together of SuSE (an ease-of-use commercial distro) with Debian (a ultra-customizable anti-commercial distro). But there's nothing wrong with being a newbie! Everyone was a newbie once, myself included.
I started off with Red Hat and Windowmaker, for fuck's sake. And I saw the light. You, being a newbie, would have been better off asking, "why does this person think that Red Hat and KDE are for newbies?" Then, dear n00b, I would have written an eloquent reply much better than this one, educating you and making you less of a newbie. You see, part of learning is accepting that people have opposing viewpoints. By studying their motivation, you just might have a change of heart yourself.
My original comment was intended to be a humorous remark for other anti-Red Hat anti-KDE users. I was saying, "Red Hat and KDE are so awful that only a person without experience would choose them." I wasn't being condescending. I'm sorry that you're "scared" of GNU/Linux and have encountered people who mocked you for your newbie status, but please try to understand that I am not among them. Also please try to understand that you will find Mac OS and Windows users who are just as awful as the Linux assholes. Your skin is just a bit too thin.
Much of your comment was valid. In general, many Linux users are assholes about newbies. But you chose the wrong person to complain to about that, and instead attacked someone who has personally gone to LUG meetings just to help newbies install their first Linux distro. And in that same spirit, I apologize if my comment seemed anti-newbie. It was not intended in that way. In return, I'd like you to admit that maybe you should have tried to find out more about my viewpoint before reacting too quickly.
And enjoy your newbie status, friend, because being a newbie only means that you have that much more fun to have learning. In closing, I will give you the official Linux Hug Smily. Here it is: {'<`} If you look closely, you can see Tux extending his arms in a warm and friendly embrace.
My one word of warning is that Linux, being without the single drive for ease-of-use that Mac OS and Windows have to varying degress, is not a system that "just works" in the way you imagine. No distro has completely created such a system. Maybe in years to come, but not yet... unfortunately, some subgroubs of both the GNOME and KDE projects are actively working to discourage new users from trying Linux.
If you would like to learn more about Linux and we who take special efforts to educate new users, please visit the Linux Education Center discussion forum on Yahoo.
Newbies using Red Hat and KDE? You don't say!
I mean, if some headless quadriplegic is reading the article, he certainly doesn't expect anyone to consider his situation representative of of the world population's. Therefore, he doesn't post a reply saying, "Sadly, I cannot even dial a phone, being without arms, legs, or a head. Until advances in remote stump-controlled robotic monkeys allow me to dial a phone, nothing in this article possibly applies to me as an individual, and therefore it is wrong for Slashdot to have ever posted it."
You're almost as bad as those idiots who complain about Slashdot being too "US-centric." No fucking shit, it's an American website started in America by Americans hosted at an American datacenter and read primarily by Americans living in America. If you want the local news, turn on the "tele" or read the newspaper or take a donkey down to the general store or do whatever you normally do to hear region-specific news. The Web has not yet reached the point of idiocy where all American websites are required to post US-centric disclaimers lest some pale splay-toothed goat-faced layabout living in a hovel in some has-been Eurotrash country of no international consequence (besides UN/NATO membership, tee hee) be offended and be forced to post a whiny complaint along the lines of "Hear hear, chaps, I don't think it's very sporting of you to post news related to America, because I'm not an American. How dare you remind me of my country's complete lack of significance in the realms technology and entertainment! If you continue, I may be forced to wet myself."
In conclusion: you are a loser. If you have nothing to contribute to the conversation except some bitchy little reminder that some people are forced to change their phone numbers every five minutes, you should stop posting, you brainless attention-starved fucktard. Please, never post again. Or, better yet, kill yourself. Or, better yet, kill yourself, and your entire family, and your entire circle of frien -- oops, nevermind. Just kill your family to ensure that further defecation in the genepool is kept to a minimum. And remember to kill your family before killing yourself, brainiac.
Fuckers.
There's also the possibility that the government spy stooges are using MySQL, and are discovering its limitations (i.e. total unsuitability for anything except poorly designed weblogs and GeoCities guestbooks). By giving every citizen a phone number, email address, and website according to such a moronic convention, it will be much easier to monitor communication for thoughtcrime (i.e. "Why does my government ask for more money when my representatives wear $4000 suits and drive $80k luxury cars?" or "Gee, I sure would like to own a firearm."). As it is, government stooges are forced to painstakingly collect these data from separate sources, raising the government's level of inefficiency to... well, pretty much the same level as usual, but it's still quite a bother.
Stupid, dirty Australian scum. But I guess that a country with no technological innovation, no intellectual worth, terrible sports teams and piss-tasting beer doesn't have much else to do. I mean, how else are you able to outdo England's stupidity year after year?
By the way, after we're through decimating Iraq, I hope that we target Australia next. After all, we mustn't overlook Australia's one valuable national resource: the brute animal labor of its thick-headed populace. American farms can save money by replacing expensive -- not to mention delicious -- animal labor (sorry, "labour") with a cheap, expendable Australian work force. The farmers will save money, the animal rights groups will complain less, and, by exporting all hard labor "jobs" to Australia, there will be more American land to turn into parks and country clubs. The beautiful thing about this plan is that no one loses! Well, the Australians might disagree, but even if some of the brighter bull Aussies become self-aware and raise a fuss, no one will be able to understand their words with those ridiculous accents.
G'day, "mates!"
-- The_Messenger , origin of all truth and wisdom.
For the non-lamers in the crowd -- no, not you, I'm talking about those who realize that Malda, like 99% of this site's readers, is a retard wannabe -- here is a link to Apple's press release re: 1394 brand's adoption of the FireWire trademark. The announcement is from May 2002; I fully expect Slashdot's "editors" (hah!) to be clued-in about it before the end of the year and post it as "news".
And in case any of you lamers in the crowd decide to go check and find that Slashdot did already feature the announcement, I have a response prepared for you: In that case, I fully expect the "editors" (heh heh...) to forget about the announcement and repost it before the end of the year. See? They're dumbasses either way. You know trolls own you. (Even Trollaxor, whose website will be back online as soon as GeoCities starts offering free Scoop hosting.)
Oh, and I'm going to key your yellow turbo-turd, you yuppy wannabe.
Besides, exactly what about Janis's "article" warrants attention? If I read everything written by every haggy old never-was "folk" singer who got her fat ass off the couch long enough to find GeoCities, I'd have considerably less time for stealing the music of real musicians. Just because Slashdot always falls for the Interview/Ask Slashdot "I have a legitimate cause, really! Now please give me free publicity and webpage hits!" ruse doesn't mean that we non-dipshits have to. Loser.
Don't worry, Janis. Your secret is safe with me and my friend Bloopy, the Purple-haired Elf Who Lives in My Shoe. Keep on truckin', bitch.
Gay doesn't have anything to do with it. Gays are stereotypically thought of AIDS carriers for two reasons: first, the theory that anal sex is more risky, and second, the idea that gay men are promiscuous. (The second actually makes some sense, because men are horny 24/7 and once you remove frigid women from the equation, it only makes sense that gay life would be a round-the-clock orgy, right? Well, in practice, it isn't quite that simple.) However, I'd be willing to guess that the average gay man is safer than the average straight man, because gays saw the tragedies of AIDS firsthand years before the general population was being lectured everyday.
Note that I only apply that statement to men who started fucking after 1990.
Now, you watch the news today, you hear stories about how the majority of the population of Africa argues that AIDS is a myth, or is caused by evil spirits, et cetera. You even hear about how the governments of African nations distribute misinformation and refuse to accept any AIDS relief except money (which then goes to buy more outdated Soviet military equipment.) These idiots are constantly harassed by Westerners to use condoms, get AIDS tests, et cetera, but the Africans just don't get it. "It's caused by evil spirits, or it doesn't exist! Really!" So they don't use condoms and don't abstain from sex -- they go right on fucking each other, all the while trying to save themselves by praying to heathen gods and sacrificing chickens.
These people are savages. I'm not being racist at all -- I just happen to think that if you deny scientific facts and tell each other ghost stories while your countrymen are fucking dying, you're a fucking sloped-forehead caveman. I mean, can't these people just stop fucking each other? What are they, animals? Why are we trying so hard to save a population whose primary interests are military dictatorships, spam-based fraud, and fucking each other uncontrollably whilst spreading a fatal illness? When do we come to the point where we can make a value judgement and say, "if you want to kill yourselves, you go right on ahead." Fuck, is that why the human race spread from Africa in the first place -- to escape all of that stupidity?
The bottom line is that Africa shuns science and embraces ignorance. Let the fuckers die -- if you ask me, it's Darwin at work. AIDS might just be a Godsend -- a disease that kills people who can't restrain their animal instincts for anything, even when their own lives are at stake.
I don't care if you're black or white, hetero or homo, man or woman -- if you have unprotected sex or share needles in today's world, you deserve whatever the fuck you get, and I'm not going to pay to give "relief" to people whose miseries are their own fucking fault. (And for the AIDS babies in the audience, it's your parents' fault. Hopefully you, having AIDS, are well-versed enough with the harshness of reality to shun tribal stupidity.)
I realize that my opinion is unpopular, but I refuse to sit idly by while we waste time and money trying to save people who obviously would much rather die. I'm all for feeding the hungry, offering medical aid to victims of minefields, and helping build educational infrastructure in African countries... those are worthy causes, and the victims of hunger and war usually had no role in creating their own misery. But we shouldn't waste time with those who can't understand these two simple words:
STOP FUCKING.
I guess they don't have tags on Macs.
Why? Partly because hardly anyone has even heard of SourceForge. Guess it's hard to get advertising funds giving away shit for free, eh Larry? It's not even a question of whether you went to business school; it's a question of whether you learned algebra. Maybe you should study basic arithmetic before looking for a new job. I'll help you start: it is necessary to understand the concept of "zero" to calculate negative numbers, such as, to give a completely random example, VA Software's potential revenue. To learn about zeros, try following Michael Sims around for a few days. *Ahem...*
The primary, most important reason why Source Forge is about as popular as OpenBSD is because it fucking sucks. I've evaluated the damn thing, and now I use it as one of my example reasons not to trust Open Source. Wow, does it suck! With so many good project management tools to steal ideas from, I'm amazed that SourceForge didn't turn out to be less,you know, fucking sucky.
Oh, wait, I know... it's because most project management tools cost money, right? Sorry, I know that's a sticking point with you Open Source amateurs. It must suck, living in a world wherein things cost money. Us real developers would to help you out, really, but we're too busy spending the gobs of money that we make, every day! Anyway, it must be tough. not being able to buy commercial software from which to steal ideas. I imagine that if Windows 98 weren't so readily available, GNOME wouldn't be half the lame piece of shit that it is now.
Let's recap... in order to make money from developing a project management tool, you have to sell it. Dictionary.com defines "to sell" as "to exchange or deliver for money or its equivalent. ". This my first point: to make money, don't give products away for free. Now, here comes the complicated part: in order to sell a product, the product must be in demand. A project management tool will be in demand if it offers superior functionality and reliability at a reasonable price. Now SourceForge is impressive -- for a hobby project. But when compared to professional tools -- used by the professionals whose money you hope to obtain -- it just can't hold up to scrutiny. It's like comparing The GIMP to Photoshop... the GIMP is great for free-as-in-beer software, but it isn't even in the same league as Photoshop, and thus graphics professionals choose Photoshop over the GIMP despite the fact that the GIMP is free-as-in-beer.
You can't stop the Open-Source failure juggernaut, so stop trying. Maybe it's time to update the old résumé, boys...
Slashdot pisses me off these days. The intelligent conversation and interesting stories left years ago, and all that's left is pointless anti-corporate, anti-government, pro-criminal bullshit. The only fun is left in trolling, and Michael "Assfuck Jizzguzzler NAZI" Sims bans accounts and IPs so fast that even trolling is a bother.Your reputation is soured. All of you are cursed for having been associated with Slashdot.org. Shut down SourceForge, shut down Slashdot, take out a loan from your ThinkGeek friends, and spend the cash on Ramen and bottled water so that you'll survive the long, cold winter in whatever lame hick religion-crazed midwest state you live in. The joyride is over. The advertising revenue is gone. All that's left is a group of sweaty, immature Perl guys and a couple grand worth of slow Intel hardware. Shut it all down, recoup your losses, and help Larry buy those new brakes.
Oh, yeah, and click here for porn.
(Yeah, I've heard of women's lib. That's why I didn't call her "bitch.")
Man, I wish that I could assign an arbitary value to a worthless rock. Maybe I should start telling people that pumice is the diamond of the future... awww yeah, baby, pumice is forever! See those holes? Those are value holes! The mo' holes, the mo' better, bitch!
What's really cool are the drive-thru Starbucks. I only know of one in the [DC metropolitan] area, and unfortunately I'd have to go out of my way to drive there. I'm willing to drive an hour for good sandwiches, but not for sort-of-good coffee...
Well, goodbye, now.
But John Cheese manages to serve a popular web page without spewing popups everywhere like your lame site's stupid readers spew shit from every orifice. I guess John Cheese is just a better person than you!
Your stupid homepage is hilarious. It doesn't make sense for a computer manufacturer to give away free webspace, and it is only the Mac's unpopularity that allowed Apple to do so financially for several years. Take your lame personal homepage to GeoCities like the chump you are.
A Short Story by The_Messenger
===///===
"Nik, I'm not comfortable with your hand being on my ass."
"But come on, baby, you know you want it," Nik insisted. How had I, Jeff "Hemos" Bates, gotten myself into such a predicament? Sure, I'd always thought Nik was cute, and even though I never formally came out, Nik always seemed to know the wife was a front all along. And when "Gay" Nik, famous in the Open Source Community for his insatiable desire for rough gay sex, invited me to help him set up his new FreeBSD box, I had an idea something was up. Little did I know that "something" was Nik's ten inches of rock-hard manmeat, pulsing through his faded Levi's jeans like a wild jungle snake.
"Nik, you're hurting me!", I whelped.
"And that's just the way you like it, bitch," Nik snarled. "You know that famous cartoon of the daemon giving it to the penguin in the behind? Thats gonna be you and me, mate," Nate said with a flick of his golden blond highlighted locks. His English accent was so charming... it almost made such awful things sound nice. But no, I mustn't go down that road... "But first," Nik continued, "we must set up this FreeBSD box. FreeBSD is the only true homosexual operating system, and so you will learn it, because I tell you to. I won't have any dirty Linux user sucking my balls."
"Oh, Nik," I whispered, batting my eyelashes, "must you always be so forceful?" Nik slapped my ass and laughed.
"Calm down, you pansy. You don't know the meaning of forceful yet. Now grab that 4.2 CD." I leaned over and grabbed the CD set for FreeBSD 4.2. Nik got his media free from Walnut Creek, because the admins there were terrified of him. Rumour has it that one Walnut Creek operator who refused to send Nik the latest FreeBSD CD kit for free was found in the machine room the next morning duct-taped to a chair with an RJ45 crimper jammed into his bloody asshole. Ever since, Nik has been sent prerelease copies of every FreeBSD set.
All of my administration experience is with Red Hat, so I was a little scared to try a real operating system, but with Nik's expert guidance, I was well on my way to learning this queer OS. Nik showed me how to use the curses-based installation tool to partition my disks, select an installation profile, and set up XFree86. Within an hour, the system was installed, and rebooted back to a command prompt.
I was standing in front of the console when Nik came up behind me.
"How's it going, mate?" he asked.
"Oh, Nik," I said, startled, "you startled me. I'm just trying to mount this CD-ROM's filesystem. The commands are similar, but this Berkely csh takes a little getting used to."
"Let me help, love," he murmured. He stepped closer behind me, and I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. I moved my hands away from the keyboard to allow him access, and he mounted the drive with blinding speed. "There, all better. Anything else you need mounted, love?"
"Oh, Nik..." I said quietly, my breath rushing out. Nik stepped closer, and I could feel his hot tool pressing into the depression of my asscrack through his jeans. "Oh, Nik, yes, there is something you could mount." I couldn't take it any longer. This strapping Englishman's dominant sexuality had overcome my fears of public embarrassment, and there I vowed to myself that from that day forward I would be Nik's woman. I threw my arms behind me, grabbed his ass, and pulled him closer. "Show me your hard drive, you naughty little daemon."
"Much obliged," Nik said with a wink. "But I'm anything but little." Nik slowly pulled off his tight jeans and out sprang the biggest, thickest cock I had ever seen. Now I watch a lot of gay pornography, but never in the depths of my deepest homosexual desire had I craved a dick this magnificent. It was like a juicy flank steak, dripping with juices. The aroma of ballcheese wafted up toward me as his mammoth testicles swung like pendulums of eroticism. I lost control and feel to my knees instantly, slobbering greedily at the wonderous thing, struggling, in vain, to fit the monstrous cockhead into my mouth.
"Oh, Nik," I cried, "I want you, I need you, I must have you. Make me your woman."
"And so I will mate, but first I must prepare you. Take off your clothes," Nik commanded. I clumsily undressed, unable to take my eyes off of his prodigious member. Nik reached over to his backpack (the one with the rainbow patches) and took out five jars of Astroglide lubricant. When I was finally naked, Nik looked up.
"Oh, well look at that," Nik said, pointing to my tiny, erect penis. "How cute. It's almost as small as Jon Katz's."
"Now, Nik, don't make fun," I said, sternly.
"I'm just kidding, love. To be honest, I like the 'little boy' look. I see you've shaved your pubes. Nice."
"Oh, Nik, I never had pubes..."
"Even better. You bald testicles remind me of my youth, when I was gang-raped by my daddy and four uncles."
"You were molested too?" I asked, hopeful.
"Of course, mate. All us faggots were. Now turn around and kneel in front of the couch." I did, and Nik proceeded to slather my virgin rosebud with three jars of Astroglide. As he did, he worked his fingers in and out of my asshole. My tiny penis was completely erect, almost touching my navel. Nik reached down and stroked it with two fingers (all that was necessary) was he prepared my anus. I moaned and sighed, and called out Rob Malda's name several times in my ecstacy. But Nik stopped before I could waste my seed, and stood back.
" Hemos, I think you've inspected my hard disk for long enough. Now I'm going to give your box more RAM."
"Oh, yes, Nik, RAM my box! R007 m3! 0wn me!"
"Hemos, it gets me so hot when you speak l337. Keep doing so." I let loose a string of l337 speak which would make even the most k-r4d w4R3z d00d blush, and Nik's penis began the descent towards my throbbing asshole.
"Oh!" I screamed, as Nik's gigantor began to rend my asshole to proportions only G. Oatse had known before. "Oh, Nik, pump my virgin geek asshole! Use and abuse me like Jon Katz did the Slashdot community! Pingflood my rectum like I'm running Red Hat 7! For the love of Barbara Streisand, Slashdot my ass!!"
The pumping and thrusting started, and didn't stop for 78 hours. Nik took me on a wild, shit-caked tour of Heaven, Hell, and San Francisco. I was on the edge of consciousness when he reached climax. He spewed gallons upon gallons of creamy sputum into my rectal cavity, filling my body up with his love. My abdomen swelled up like a water balloon, and I could taste his cum in the back of my throat when the tide finally ceased. I fell to the floor, and Nik stood up.
"Now you are mine, and a l337 FreeBSD user. I dub three Lord Hemos, proud and gay, and you shall sit at my right hand in Wales, where I rule the Court of FreeBSD Committers with an iron fist and a steel cock. Stand up, Lord Hemos, and let me eat your dirty ass."
Nik helped me up, and I weakly stood, amazed, as Nik proceeded to eat my asshole clean. Nik was on his knees behind me, lowered to the same level as the lowest California gigalo. Much like Jesus would wash the feet as his followers, Nik inducted his lovers into his secret cabal of Gay FreeBSD Love by dining on their sore, runny assholes. He ingested his own jizzm, completing the Circle of Gay.
When my rump had healed, I left Michigan (and my wife) on a journey with Nik to the UK, a Gay Wonderland rumoured to be the birthplace of homosexuality. I learned the gay alphabet, gay spelling ("It's 'coluououour', stupid American! Tee hee!"), and to use the gay currency (uro), and had a BSD Daemon tattooed on my ass with the phrase "Property of Gay Nik".
This has all happened so fast! It's hard to believe that only six hours ago, I was Jeff Bates, closeted homosexual and Linux user. I'm so glad that Nik and I got together, and I credit everything to FreeBSD, the l337est and Gayest UNIX-clone in the Universe! I invite you to check out your local FreeBSD user group and check us out!
These days, I'm very busy with FreeBSD and being Nik's trophy wife, but I've also created HEMOS, the Homoerotic Male Outreach service, an organization dedicated to saving poor young men from the perils of heterosexuality and Linux-userhood. We've already saved Cowboy Neal (how could a guy with a name like that not be queer?) and Emmett will be coming along soon. Please join us!
Love,
Lord Hemos the Gay
THE END.
I'm not even going to bother responding to your venemous personal attacks on myself. The "icky text file" comment was particularly inappropriate -- hell, I have more UNIX boxes in my bedroom than you've had the pleasure to use in your entire life, little man. I'm hardly the mindless Windows maniac that you think I am, and if you can't understand that there are knowledgable UNIX experts who bear no ill will toward Microsoft, you're obviously a newbie yourself. Once you've been in the industry for more than six months and have time to ripen, I might consider talking to you again.
Your reply has only reinforced my position that a needlessly arrogant attitude and hostile rhetoric are the worst possible way to advocate technology. Believe it or not, you aren't helping the open-source community, and those of us who actually have logged significant time on major open-source projects would prefer that you shut your mouth and stop making open-source newbies think that Linux is only for assholes. I'm sorry that you hold your minor technical expertise in such high esteem, because you're blind to the fact that those "poor" C: drive losers are a part of the Internet as well.
Finally, your last sentence was all it really took to conclude that you are a loser. I wilfilly gave up my +2 bonus years before you even got this UID, newbie. (And you think it's an "honor?" Holy shit, I almost fell out of my chair laughing at that witticism. This is Slashdot, for fuck's sake.) One day I hope that you evolve enough to see the silliness of this shithole. In the meantime, try to stay in school long enough to get a job in spite of your awful social skills. The last thing that the open-source community needs is another bigot amateur like yourself.
I'm sorry for attempting to enlighten you. Please, continute to function as a Slashbot. I look forward to your reply -- which will probably include the words "M$" and "BSOD." Cheers, mate!