What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
What will you never say about a banjo player? That's the banjo player's Porsche.
How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle? Shine a light in her ears...
You can tune a banjo but how do you tuna fish? By adjusting it's scales...
Why do so many fishermen own banjos? They make great anchors!
Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? They make good paddles.
Why did the banjo player leave his capo on the dashboard?
So he could park in the handicap zone.
Why did the banjo player cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune? Their color of course!
How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of grapes?
Jump up and down on them...If you get wine, you've got grapes!
I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
"Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the banjo after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before..."
What's the best or fastest way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters.
What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)...
Chain Saw:
a chain saw has a dynamic range.
you can turn a chain saw off.
South American Macaw: one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.
Harley Davidson Motorcycle: you can tune a Harley.
Onion: no one cries when you cut up a banjo.
Trampoline: you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Uzi: an uzi only repeats forty times.
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five; one to screw it in and four to:
complain that it's electric.
lament about how much they miss the old one.
complain that Earl wouldn't have done it thata-way.
argue about what year it was made.
argue about how much it costs.
ask what tuning she's using.
stand around and watch.
10: one to do it & the other 9 to stand around & say, "I could have done it better."
none: but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them are too layed back to bother to change it.
Six: One to change it and five to keep the banjo players from hogging the light.
How many light bulb joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?
100: One to change it & 99 to make stupid jokes about it...
What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test? Drool...
How can you tell if the stage is level? If the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? It saves time in the long run.
What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a banjo player run over on the road?
You see skid marks in front of the skunk.
What's the difference between a run over skunk [or frog] and a run over banjo player?
The skunk [frog] was on it's way to a gig.
How many banjo players does it take to eat a opossum? Two, one to eat it & one to watch for cars.
How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? By their names...
What is the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.
What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest? A visitor.
What are flaming guitars good for?
Lighting banjos on fire.
Kindling.
Why are banjos better than guitars?
They burn longer.
What's the best thing to play on a banjo?
A flame-thrower.
What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
Who cares?!? Neither of them is a banjo!
What's the best thing to play on a guitar? Solitaire.
What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?
Banjo player/Comedian.
How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door?
They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in.
Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on? So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions? You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a good banjo player, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
What is the banjo picker's favorite whine? "Play Dueling Banjos..."
Why are all those banjo jokes so darned simple? That's so bass players can understand them too...
Where do banjo players play best?
In traffic.
In a galaxy far, far away...
How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?...
What is the most important aspect of banjo playing?...timing...
How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."
What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building?
Who Cares...
Applause.
What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand [or concrete]? Not enough sand. [Almost done.]
What is poop made of?
About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water. Of course, this value is highly variable - the water content of diarrhea is much higher, and the amount of water in poop that has been retained (voluntarily or otherwise) is lower. Water is absorbed out of fecal material as it passes through the intestine, so the longer a turd resides inside before emerging, the drier it will be.
Of the remaining portion of the turd, about 1/3 is composed of dead bacteria. These microcorpses come from the intestinal garden of microorganisms that assist us in the digestion of our food. Another 1/3 of the turd mass is made of stuff that we find indigestible, like cellulose, for instance. This indigestible material is called "fiber," and is useful in getting the turd to move along through the intestine, perhaps because it provides traction. The remaining portion of the turd is a mixture of fats such as cholesterol, inorganic salts like phosphates, live bacteria, dead cells and mucus from the lining of the intestine, and protein.
This is the true and sad tale of one Allison "Hickory Tits" Mcgee.
It starts out like many a sad story.
Ms. Mcgee was born with tits made of hickory.
She was constantly teased
from the tender age of three
when everyone realized her tits were made of hickory.
Then one day, she met a boy
Cowboy Neal was his name
but he was soooo fat
that when he laid on her chest
her hickory tits cracked
she tried to seal them, but to no avail
now her tits are rotten and frail
We found Wally as a stray, and he's always acted fine. I recently lost a beautiful white Persian cat I got from the Humane Society, and he had the smelliest stools I had ever smelled, about 2 months later, he died. The vet said his stomach was rotted, he was very lethargic the week before he died. I came home tonight and smelled the God-awfulest smell emitting from my room, my mom and I went in there and there was diahhorea with traces of blood in it, and it smelled just like the Persian's, so now I'm really worried. What should I do? I've already lost 2 cats this year. Wally is acting fine, he's not acting any different, he's as fiesty and lovable as ever, and the feces in his litter box is clear of any blood...any suggestions?
Your bleeding heart tripe makes me want to evacuate my bowels and marinate in my own fecal matters you goddamn stupid greedy ugly american death sucker.
Zephc, be sure to add a Writing 101 class next fall because your blatant disregard for grammar and punctuation is appalling. In fact it makes me want to crap:
Re:He needs a Lanthanide & Actinide drop leaf
on
Periodic Table Table
·
· Score: -1
Hello Kind Sir,
Could I trouble you for a moments time? I was hoping you could dab a bit of camphor of my scrotum.
Thanks In Advance,
The Shitter
thhhhhhhhp
unnnnnnnngh
plop
wipe
Christ that is the most awful looking furniture i have ever seen. The table looks like something salvaged at the frigging goodwill after 37 drunk mexicans danced atop it. Does he set that shit next to his velvet bullfighter painting?
I've had anal sex with my boyfriend three
times now and it hurts a lot. I can't really concentrate on getting pleasure
from it, because I'm so caught up on the pain. He does go slow and listens to
me when I say that it hurts. He doesn't just slam it in and tear me up. It doesn't
even hurt my ass after or the next day, just during. I read your tips about
using a finger or two first, so we tried it. That wasn't bad. So basically what
I want to know is, is this a pain that will eventually go away if he keeps working
it in, or is it just different for certain people? I want to try it until I
can really get pleasure out of it, but not if it is going to continue to hurt
me. Help me out here Dr. CoXXX!
"Today beej and I went back to Linux World Expo to hear Rob Malda,
founder of slashdot.org, speak at the OSDN booth. I felt kinda bad for him because
nobody had any real questions for him. I made some up on the spot. Is running
slashdot worth the personal attacks? Have you thought about a subscription model?
Those were my only two good ones. "
Slashdot Mirror
Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo Players? Measles--you can get rid of the Measles.
Fore my Wally hath died a terrible death dragging his entrails about! woe! woe is me for i hath to clean up!
What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. What will you never say about a banjo player? That's the banjo player's Porsche. How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle? Shine a light in her ears... You can tune a banjo but how do you tuna fish? By adjusting it's scales... Why do so many fishermen own banjos? They make great anchors! Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? They make good paddles. Why did the banjo player leave his capo on the dashboard? So he could park in the handicap zone. Why did the banjo player cross the road? It was the chicken's day off. What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune? Their color of course! How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of grapes? Jump up and down on them...If you get wine, you've got grapes! I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy." "Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the banjo after the operation?" "Yes, of course..." "Great! I never could before..." What's the best or fastest way to tune a banjo? With wirecutters.
What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)... Chain Saw: a chain saw has a dynamic range. you can turn a chain saw off. South American Macaw: one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird. Harley Davidson Motorcycle: you can tune a Harley. Onion: no one cries when you cut up a banjo. Trampoline: you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline. Uzi: an uzi only repeats forty times. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five; one to screw it in and four to: complain that it's electric. lament about how much they miss the old one. complain that Earl wouldn't have done it thata-way. argue about what year it was made. argue about how much it costs. ask what tuning she's using. stand around and watch. 10: one to do it & the other 9 to stand around & say, "I could have done it better." none: but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb? All of them are too layed back to bother to change it. Six: One to change it and five to keep the banjo players from hogging the light. How many light bulb joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb? 100: One to change it & 99 to make stupid jokes about it... What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test? Drool... How can you tell if the stage is level? If the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth. Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? It saves time in the long run. What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a banjo player run over on the road? You see skid marks in front of the skunk. What's the difference between a run over skunk [or frog] and a run over banjo player? The skunk [frog] was on it's way to a gig. How many banjo players does it take to eat a opossum? Two, one to eat it & one to watch for cars. How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? By their names... What is the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat. What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest? A visitor. What are flaming guitars good for? Lighting banjos on fire. Kindling. Why are banjos better than guitars? They burn longer. What's the best thing to play on a banjo? A flame-thrower. What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin? Who cares?!? Neither of them is a banjo! What's the best thing to play on a guitar? Solitaire. What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians? Banjo player/Comedian. How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door? They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in. Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on? So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket. You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions? You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a good banjo player, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. What is the banjo picker's favorite whine? "Play Dueling Banjos..." Why are all those banjo jokes so darned simple? That's so bass players can understand them too... Where do banjo players play best? In traffic. In a galaxy far, far away... How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?... What is the most important aspect of banjo playing?...timing... How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise." What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building? Who Cares... Applause. What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand [or concrete]? Not enough sand. [Almost done.]
What is poop made of? About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water. Of course, this value is highly variable - the water content of diarrhea is much higher, and the amount of water in poop that has been retained (voluntarily or otherwise) is lower. Water is absorbed out of fecal material as it passes through the intestine, so the longer a turd resides inside before emerging, the drier it will be. Of the remaining portion of the turd, about 1/3 is composed of dead bacteria. These microcorpses come from the intestinal garden of microorganisms that assist us in the digestion of our food. Another 1/3 of the turd mass is made of stuff that we find indigestible, like cellulose, for instance. This indigestible material is called "fiber," and is useful in getting the turd to move along through the intestine, perhaps because it provides traction. The remaining portion of the turd is a mixture of fats such as cholesterol, inorganic salts like phosphates, live bacteria, dead cells and mucus from the lining of the intestine, and protein.
This is the true and sad tale of one Allison "Hickory Tits" Mcgee. It starts out like many a sad story. Ms. Mcgee was born with tits made of hickory. She was constantly teased from the tender age of three when everyone realized her tits were made of hickory. Then one day, she met a boy Cowboy Neal was his name but he was soooo fat that when he laid on her chest her hickory tits cracked she tried to seal them, but to no avail now her tits are rotten and frail
HOLY SHIT I just got diagnosed with COPROPHAGIA!!! WHAT am i going to do!!!
We found Wally as a stray, and he's always acted fine. I recently lost a beautiful white Persian cat I got from the Humane Society, and he had the smelliest stools I had ever smelled, about 2 months later, he died. The vet said his stomach was rotted, he was very lethargic the week before he died. I came home tonight and smelled the God-awfulest smell emitting from my room, my mom and I went in there and there was diahhorea with traces of blood in it, and it smelled just like the Persian's, so now I'm really worried. What should I do? I've already lost 2 cats this year. Wally is acting fine, he's not acting any different, he's as fiesty and lovable as ever, and the feces in his litter box is clear of any blood...any suggestions?
Your bleeding heart tripe makes me want to evacuate my bowels and marinate in my own fecal matters you goddamn stupid greedy ugly american death sucker.
BRAP
BRAP
PLOP
WIPE
Zephc, be sure to add a Writing 101 class next fall because your blatant disregard for grammar and punctuation is appalling. In fact it makes me want to crap:
thhhhp
unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng
*gently dabs brow*
plop
wipe
from reading your sig I take it you dont shave your legs...
Oh golly gee mister! thats funny! because you are using word play !!! LOL!!
wait...
hold up...
brap brap
thhhhhp
unnnnnnng
unnnnnng
yarg!
*grips porcelain*
oooooooooo!
plop
Okay there ya go.
...and you have been trolled..
a custom crap on TB42:
brap brap brap
unnnnnnng.
plop.
*forget wiping*
thhp.
brap brap!
thhhhhhhp
brap brap brap brap brap
unnnnnnnng
spppplort *cold water splashback*
wipe. wipe. wipe.
flush.
unnnnnnnnnng.
plop.
unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng. *wipes tear from eye*.
plop.
unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng..
thhhhhhhhhp.
thhhhhhhhhp.
plop..
Hello Kind Sir, Could I trouble you for a moments time? I was hoping you could dab a bit of camphor of my scrotum. Thanks In Advance, The Shitter thhhhhhhhp unnnnnnnngh plop wipe
oh...wait...i get it..lolololololol!
i pe
tthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhp
unnnnnnnnnnnnhhhhg
plop
w
My Things To Do Today (redux)
1. Smash the control images
2. Smash the control machines
Christ that is the most awful looking furniture i have ever seen. The table looks like something salvaged at the frigging goodwill after 37 drunk mexicans danced atop it. Does he set that shit next to his velvet bullfighter painting?
Dear Dr. CoXXX
I've had anal sex with my boyfriend three times now and it hurts a lot. I can't really concentrate on getting pleasure from it, because I'm so caught up on the pain. He does go slow and listens to me when I say that it hurts. He doesn't just slam it in and tear me up. It doesn't even hurt my ass after or the next day, just during. I read your tips about using a finger or two first, so we tried it. That wasn't bad. So basically what I want to know is, is this a pain that will eventually go away if he keeps working it in, or is it just different for certain people? I want to try it until I can really get pleasure out of it, but not if it is going to continue to hurt me. Help me out here Dr. CoXXX !
Feel Good Hit of The Summer
nicotine valium vicodin marijuana ectasy and
alcohol (cocaine)
How does the fat gas bag Eric S. Raymond feel about this switch the the superior language VB?
wait. I need to crap on you.
errrrrg. unnnnnng.
plop. plop. plop.
brap brap.
unnnnng. errrrrrr. thhhhhhhp.
plop. plop. thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhp.
wipe. wipe. wipe. wipe. sniff. stinky.
flush.
another question:
is animal a registered sex offender?
isn't it ironic? don't ya think?
Found Here:
"Today beej and I went back to Linux World Expo to hear Rob Malda, founder of slashdot.org, speak at the OSDN booth. I felt kinda bad for him because nobody had any real questions for him. I made some up on the spot. Is running slashdot worth the personal attacks? Have you thought about a subscription model? Those were my only two good ones. "