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The Onion to buy the New York Times
According to an UpsideToday article, everyone's favorite "free registration required" news source is to be acquired by the online satirical paper The Onion. It's a clever little piece about all the mergers floating
around these days.
Injecting journalistic integrity into NYT is like injecting truth serum in Bill Clinton... leopards don't change their spots.
Why did I waste my time learning how to read when JACKING OFF sould have been so much more worthwhile?
How can the Onon buy New york times? The onion is likie a fake news paper and the times is a real paper with real news. I think they just make the news up in the onion how can they take over the times? I think this wil make it so that manyt people do not believe the new york times if they are now being controled by the onion, which as i have said is not really a very legiatmate news source. Does anybody know how the onoin can even afford to but the times ? the times is so huge and the onion is not large it is not evenr eally a real paper... is anybody from the nyt or onon reading this? maybe u coud explain this?
Not the hot grits, I love the sensation, but doesn't the onion burn the skin down there? I have all these open sores down there and the onion is really irritating.
I don't care for the Onion, and I know I am not alone. This is not news for nerds. The Onion is not part of what makes Slashdot so grand. Please do not post any future articles relative to The Onion.
Thank you.
You can also use the cypherpunks/cypherpunks userid/passwd combo, too.
First off, this article was satire.
Second, the regular people tend to benefit from mergers. Let's not forget that those of us who *don't* work for, say, AOL and Time Warner are regular people, and we benefit from these deals even if a few ex-employees get screwed.
It's kind of like when factories move to Mexico. We benefit, the company benefits, and the Mexicans benefit. It's a small minority that suffers short term problems.
Hrm, the article said it'd be the Onion New York Times Company.
Personally, I think "The New York Onion Company" sounds better.
NYT is already a joke. Maybe The Onion will lighten up on their stupid pro-corporate censorship.
Dude your ARE a dumb troll. the NYT is NOT a liberal mouthpiece. IT IS A CORPORATE MOUTHPIECE. It just so happens that some corporations are behind Mrs. Clinton. The NYT has been shown to behave conservativly AND liberally, based on who supports the topic being discussed, typically they are in favor of corporations and government whenever they can get away with it, which is pretty damn often.
Holy shit, i punched the monkey!
That's spanked the monkey, you idiot.
And any banner ad gif with fake buttons, fake drop down menus, deliberatly including cut off text in a fake window with a fake scroll bar are all evil. And slashdot is evil for supporting these. The java banners, though, get the Golden Turd award for evil. When I'm unlucky enough to get a /. page that has a java banner in it. My machines freezes for 30 seconds with "starting Java". But I still need Java for other web sites that have a legit need for it so turning Java off and on and off and on is not a solution. Slashdot does not need java and is therefore evil for allowing banner ads to use it. Slashdot ought to make java use a TOS violation for advertisers.
Despite common beliefs, The Onion is not a Web-based company. It is a true weekly newspaper that has been publishing for longer than it has had a presence on the Internet. The articles posted on www.theonion.com are merely a portion of what is available in the actual paper. :)
I'm just trying to inform
Somebody already did!
Rob Malda's onion
i like to chop up onions and put them into a nice hot bowl of grits, and then pour them down my pants. thank you.
Honestly.
Hippies.
Well, there you go! Punching out hippies is far more fun. You get to see where that "give peace a chance" stuff really stands after you whomp 'em one.
.... ads That whole spanking/slap/punch/shoot/dissemboul monkey thing is complete BS. I few "friends" of mine got together and wrote a few "utils" to see "how true" that ad was. Needless to say, you won't/can't win. It just won't happen. "ohhh click on a few more ads for better chances"... Why would ANY company advertise on this site ?!?!? NONE of the people losing ( urrr playing ) ever look at the site there going to...
It's free here in Chicago too. The online version just misses some of the adds from what I've seen.
Keep in mind that they did that book, book-on-tape & calender of the 20th century ("Our Dumb Century"). But I do agree that they've been a little off lately. (Though the "WDYT" almost always crack me up...)
Since this is gonna be called a troll or flamebait or offtopic, or other such bull-shit, I might as well point out that Slashdot has really gone down hill (news-wise) in the last 1/2 year+.
I heard somewhere that The Onion is an online-only publication. I find that hard to believe, however, as there really isn't very much funny stuff on the internet. Can anybody confirm or deny this for me?
Well, if you lived in wisconsin you would know that the Onion is not just an only zine. I believe it originated as a printed zine, not an online one. It's been around in printed form for a long time, and can be found around college campuses and in news stands in wisconsin (possibly other states, but i know for sure in wisconsin). They also have radio news here in milwaukee :) just a little fyi -knowfear
What the fuck?
We should really get some filters on this site
The Original Celebrated Curiously Strong GHOST (mentha lemures)
I agree. I thought the story was badly written.
The Onion doesn't have any stock & it's not an Internet start-up. It has existed in Madison since before 1993. You can get it in print in Colorado, Illinois, and Milwaukee now.
Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun.
I think you mean " Clinton deploys vowels to Bosnia". That's the article that apparently convinced the editor-in-chief to set up a web presence.
Next you'll be proposing something ridiculous
like AOL buying a TV network such as WB or something!
Last time I punched a monkey, they threw me out of the zoo.
Hippies.
The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made. (Marx)
As with most articles about large mergers, the article completely glosses over what will happen to the rank and file workers of the merged company. Hopefully, any manager who authorizes layoffs will be sent to Hell's Circle of Total Bastards. In particular, I hope that The Onion's chaplain keeps his job [see Local Lutheran Minister Loves To Fuck His Wife].
Yes. The paper-version is free in Dane and Milwaukee counties in Wisconsin. I think it's free in Boulder, CO also, where it is also published.
Otherwise you'll have to pay.
"More organs means more human." - Zim
It's time to inject some journalistic integrity into the New York Times. And maybe they'll rid of the registration, too.
It's fun to leave laying on your desk, or off in a break room at work. (once you are done with it.)
?
For sale? Here in Madison, WI, it is free.
sup
In the Twin Cities, there's the Citizen Harold, made by a guy who(I think) turned down an offer to write for the Onion. It's simply not as funny nor original as the Onion. Oh well. Hopefuly the first thing the onion will do is get rid of the damned registration. I know ONE Onion employee reads slashdot. I'm surprised Slashdot hasn't been the butt of some Onion articles, yet suck.com's parody was dead on (article found with "red" and "hat" in the title)
I actually subscribe to the tree-killing version, believe it or not.
--GnrcMan--
I remember, at the beginning of last year, a freshmen at cmu, I mentioned something about the onion and this guy (from boston) was like "the onion rocks." I was completly surprised that he had even heard of it. Being from Milwaukee myself, they have been avalible on every street corner for free for years. I knew it was madtown based, and I heard they were also distributed in denver, or some place in colorado anyways, but I had no idea there was such a big national following.
My mom sends me hardcopies every so often, I do prefer them, I want to keep my stack (about 3ft high) growing.
Yeah, and some of their articles have been repeats from way back. It seems like whoever's in charge is still on holiday...
Does this mean that all the stories for NYT will soon become a joke?! Instead of a headline like "Woman Doomed To Years Of Hippo-Themed Gifts
" and "Phish Collapses Onstage"? This is some goofy news.
How did this guy miss the two other news stories available in the side bar:
7 e20
e dd0
Windows For All: Everyone deserves good software
http://www.upside.com/texis/mvm/upshot?id=38adb
and...Dell Back on Bill's Team: Win2k will erode Unix, CEO says
http://www.upside.com/texis/mvm/upshot?id=38a9e
The message on the other side of this sig is false.
C'mon guys!?!? I'm disappointed that almost everybody here needs to be told that this is a satire... it's not real, it's a lame attempt at comedy.
Multiplayer Strategy
The truly funny thing is that the Zweibel pieces and the Herbert Kornfield (my favorite), among others, are written by this innocent looking woman...
El Karma: excelente(principalmente la suma de moderación hecha a los comentarios de los usuarios)
it's distributed for free at many college campuses :) -knowfear
I thought one of the recent infographics was absolutely hillarious...
Amazing magic tricks
I haven't looked at all the posts, so this might have been mentioned.
Heres something a lot of people might not know: The Onion is not just an online newspaper. It actualy started about 100 years ago in my hometown of Madison, WI. They print out of the UW-Madison campus. I've got about four years worth of back issues under my bed (altough I'm missing a bunch).
I always laugh when people on IRC tell me they just found out about The Onion website and say I ought to check it out. hehe.
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Not a typewriter
I find all this really impressive, and crazy.
Here where I live, we have an internet company that recently issued an IPO, after multiplying by more than 6 its share prices now is the second company in the country's markets. It's value is over the capitalization of all the electric power suppliers companies.
Very interesting if you take into account that one day without that Internet company is only a little trouble while one day without power supply is a total catastrophe.
The infographs, WDYT, and the STATshot have always been the most humerous part of the newspaper. Probably my favorite quote from the WDYT was two weeks ago in response to the South Carolina confederate flag issue.
"As a Southerner, I simply want to display the Confederate flag as an important symbol of my heritage and history. My hatred of niggers has nothing to do with it."
...it still doesn't compare to the Great Bosnian Vowel Airlift. (If you don't know, buy the Second Best of Car Talk CD to hear a reading.)
I've been told the Gardener Group was gonna buy The Onion to spice up Jane Fonda's sexlife.
The State of Alabama banned dildies a year ago. They should have banned onions!
The thing is, these geeks' companies are accruing fantastic value. The stocks value just seems to get pushed higher up on its own hype. This would normally be an unstable event. But, once wealthy, they buy the NYT, or AOL merges with Time/Warner, etc. Now if their E-company dies, they have a stable business to fall back on. Amazon.com still has acquired no such safety net (which they should have done by buyine some brick and mortar chain store) and may soon begin to plummet. The geeks are quietly taking over huge sectors of traditional business. And the pundits, now finding that Steve Case is their boss are left reeling from the turn of events. This is all somewhat of a silent revolution of the geeks.
Friends of mine had subscriptions to the dead-tree edition of The Onion back before they discovered the internet. Great newspaper :-)
You can still get print subscriptions here. Definately worth the $50/year.
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Open mind, insert foot.
ok, you know it's a bizzare statement about e-companies and hyper inflated valuations, when upon reading this, for upwards of 10-20 secodns, i actually thought to myself... wow... that's crazy, what's the onion going to do with the times? in my mind i envisioned the onion IPO, that i hadn't heard about, them having 400 million dollars in capital to throw around, and just for the hell of it, one of them saying: "hey! let's get the times..."
wow... 11:28 a.m. and i am already reching for some guiness... it's going to be a long weekend.
In a decision reached early this morning, the editors of The Onion have decided to buy the New York Times.
"We were at Starbucks standing in line for donuts and coffee, and there was some discussion of sitting around afterward. At this impromptu meeting the decision was made," said one of the editors.
Stock observers were skeptical that the Onion management team could effectively improve the situation at the Times. "They really don't have any managerial authority with this purchase. They basically paid about a dollar for one copy. They may think that gives them editorial control, but I'm sure they'll be quite surprised when they come to the Big Apple and start trying to fire people," said one analyst, who declined to be identified.
But the Onion editors believe there is unique synergy between the two media properties. "By bringing the quality journalism of the New York Times under our wing, we gain access to the stories of the day, some editorial content, even a world-renowned crossword puzzle," said Onion chief editor Dikkers when questioned. He continued to vigorously defend the purchase, saying, "These will be invaluable to our branding dialogue, even if we get powdered sugar on some of the pages."
Independent observers cautioned that this might prove to be a financial minefield. "They may not get the full dollar-twenty-five worth of the paper. They may as well have spent half as much and bought a Wisconsin State Journal instead," suggested Vera Mateja, a woman sitting in the corner sipping a frothy cappuccino.
"Really, look at them just talking, not even reading it," said Mark McCown, a local sanitation consultant standing in line waiting for the barista to prepare his grande latte. "Buying a newspaper like the New York Times is a momentous undertaking. If you're just going to skim the headlines, I guarantee you won't get your money's worth." Mr. McCown then returned his latte, which he had ordered with whipped cream on top.
Dikkers remained adamant that the newspaper would continue to be managed as it always had been. "We're not interfering purchasers. We know the value of this property and we believe in time that we'll develop the synergy we need. The one certainty we have is that our Onion satires will have improved verisimilitude for our readership, which is the main concern we had in making this purchase."
As for Onion readers, they seem nonchalant. "It's still the same Onion," said Raj Suharda, who was picking up a copy from the Starbucks lobby without buying coffee. "I don't care if they model it on the New York Times or the Beloit Daily News."
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lake effect weblog
{Network engineer in Chicago--looking for work!}
I'm a UW-Madison alum, and remember when the Onion was just in paper form, and not even in color. I suppose I shouldn't be too critical, as it's just a joke article.
Although I believe that the majority of The Onion's readers are now (probably thanks to Slashdot) via the web. I'm not sure if this qualifies it as "web-based", as that guy stated in his opening paragraph.
Just a little rant.
"More organs means more human." - Zim
Has anyone else noticed that the last 10 weeks or so have been pretty poor?
Actually, i thought last week's (week of February 9), was pretty damn funny. The Oxygen Network Infographic("Does This Top Go With This Show?"), "Why do all these Homosexuals..." and the "Valentine's Day Kids Page" were inspired humor, IMHO
informative? i can just see some moderator who's never read the onion going "gee, that seems like an important point. i wonder how they let that slip by".
(in case anyone missed the joke, the supposably fictional Zweibel writes a column as the editor of the onion--just follow the link. hence, the only appropriate moderation would have been 'funny')
cheers,
sh_
Interested in learning Chinese or Japanese? check out Chinese/Japanese-English Dictiona
Let me just assure all of you that when the Onion Media Empire eventually expands to absorb VA Linux/Andover/Slashdot and Mr. Taco and his associates are positively swimming in the lucre of multi-merger mania, we will insist -- nay, demand! -- that they uphold the same strict standards of journalistic integrity, impartiality and morality that have guided the operations of Slashdot to this very day.
-A.
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What did the walrus say to the penguin? "No soap, radio."
"Why do all these Homosexuals..." and the "Valentine's Day Kids Page" were inspired humor
Unfortunately these 2 articles were reruns.
It's nice to see changes happening that will finally improve the journalistic integrity of the New York Times! ;-)
- Bias away from personal freedom/responsibility, and towards government regulation of private activities,
- Bias towards big businesses who provide advertising money, which is necessary for the survival of newspapers.
The NYT/Onion merger would ultimately result in the well-deserved destruction of the NYT, but at least it would become a credible source of news and insightful commentary before its death.Bring it on!
-- My comment is above.
The article mentions the publisher of The Onion is a Mr. Peter K. Haise. Everyone knows the publisher really is T. Herman Zweibel, son of the paper's founder, Herman Ulysses Zweibel.
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Open mind, insert foot.
Has anyone else noticed that the last 10 weeks or so have been pretty poor? Even the What Do You Think? bits have been poor. I have to wonder whether they're so busy with other projects that either they're slipping, or they're saving their "A" material for something more lucrative...
>Has anyone else noticed that the last 10 weeks or so [of The Onion] have been pretty poor?
...
Frankly, the quality of the posts at Slashdot has been declining lately. Everything was fine in the Good Old Days, but we all know those ended around 10 o'clock this morning. Around noon the decline became precipitous, with a spate of Phirst Posts and Natalie Portman headlines, and at 2pm pure spam began to arrive by the bucketful. At this point, slightly past midnight Sunday, any astute person can see that post quality has reached a new all-time low.
Actually, it's decliend even as I'm writing this p0st. First post! Natalie Portman! It's reaching another new low right now. <a href="http://www.regisphilbin.com/">click here to win a million bucks!</a>
Fortunately, I've recognized this trend and halted it. By posting substantively I believe I can tip the balance. This post already has some pretty stupid things in it, though; I think I can save things if I don't submit it
Too late.
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lake effect weblog
{Network engineer in Chicago--looking for work!}
...will be tomorrow's headline I'm sure.
Jazilla.org - the Java Mozilla
It's 10 PM. Do you know if you're un-American?
When I was at UW Madison (I'm an alum), I used to love reading the Onion while waiting for classes on (I think) Tuesday mornings. That was by far the best thing delivered on any campus I've ever been. My faves headlines were:
1. Jesus takes on the NBA with his ascention dunk. (picture Jesus with is mouth hanging open like michael jordan just about to slam a ball over a bunch of other players).
2. Tommy Thompson (Wisconsin's governer) changes name to the Sexecutioner. (Picture of tommy thompson's head -he's very boyish- on top of the body of a some buff S+M leather dude).
3. Pope admits "God ain't said sh*t to me".
4. Pure silk to spew from Cindy Crawford's ass.
5. Oh and it goes on....
-- Moondog
Instead of taking an opportunity to discuss the actual implications of the AOL-Time Warner merger (which bears satire and attack, as AOL wants to apply shody journalistic standards to their online properties), this piece focuses on satiring stock based mergers.
While stock mergers are neat because they trade paper money for new paper money, they seem reasonable for a merger.
Instead of tackling the REAL problems (although alluded to by discussing ways to drop NYTs costs 80% by creating sources), it focuses on the uninteresting side of the merger.
This was a silly piece, not worthy of a post.
However, the old story of a Catholic Church-Microsoft Merger with other church based mergers was entertaining... I could go for running that again.
Feel free to mark down.
Alex
... if you access the site via partners.nytimes.com instead of www.nytimes.com cheerio, rs