Slashdot Mirror
Trojan Coffee Room Machine Returns
MKalus writes "It seems that when they turned it off it wasn't quite the end to the machine after all. The german magazine "Der Spiegel" bought it and got it repaired. And now it is online again, not in the Trojan room, but the same machine." You just can't keep a good coffee machine down.
fp
Praise Allah!!!!!!!
Praise Allah!!!!!!!
I work as a consultant for several fortune 500 companies, and I think I can shed a little light on the climate of the open source community at the moment. I believe that part of the reason that open source based startups are failing left and right is not an issue of marketing as it's commonly believed but more of an issue of the underlying technology.
I know that that's a strong statement to make, but I have evidence to back it up! At one of the major corps(5000+ employees) that I consult for, we wanted to integrate Linux into our server pool. The allure of not having to pay any restrictive licensing fees was too great to ignore. I reccomended the installation of several boxes running the new 2.4.9 kernel, and my hopes were high that it would perform up to snuff with the Windows 2k boxes which were(and still are!) doing an AMAZING job at their respective tasks of serving HTTP requests, DNS, and fileserving.
I consider myself to be very technically inclined having programmed in VB for the last 8 years doing kernel level programming. I don't believe in C programming because contrary to popular belief, VB can go just as low level as C and the newest VB compiler generates code that's every bit as fast. I took it upon myself to configure the system from scratch and even used an optimised version of gcc 3.1 to increase the execution speed of the binaries. I integrated the 3 machines I had configured into the server pool, and I'd have to say the results were less than impressive... We all know that linux isn't even close to being ready for the desktop, but I had heard that it was supposed to perform decently as a "server" based operating system. The 3 machines all went into swap immediately, and it was obvious that they weren't going to be able to handle the load in this "enterprise" environment. After running for less than 24 hours, 2 of them had experienced kernel panics caused by Bind and Apache crashing! Granted, Apache is a volunteer based project written by weekend hackers in their spare time while Microsft's IIS has an actual professional full fledged development team devoted to it. Not to mention the fact that the Linux kernel itself lacks any support for any type of journaled filesystem, memory protection, SMP support, etc, but I thought that since Linux is based on such "old" technology that it would run with some level of stability. After several days of this type of behaviour, we decided to reinstall windows 2k on the boxes to make sure it wasn't a hardware problem that was causing things to go wrong. The machines instantly shaped up and were seamlessly reintegrated into the server pool with just one Win2K machine doing more work than all 3 of the Linux boxes.
Needless to say, I won't be reccomending Linux/FSF to anymore of my clients. I'm dissappointed that they won't be able to leverege the free cost of Linux to their advantage, but in this case I suppose the old adage stands true that, "you get what you pay for." I would have also liked to have access to the source code of the applications that we're running on our mission critical systems; however, from the looks of it, the Microsoft "shared source" program seems to offer all of the same freedoms as the GPL.
As things stand now, I can understand using Linux in academia to compile simple "Hello World" style programs and learn C programming, but I'm afraid that for anything more than a hobby OS, Windows 98/NT/2K are your only choices.
thank you.
C - A language that combines the speed of assembly with the ease of use of assembly.
What's black, blue and green and doesn't like sex? The Girl Scout locked in my basement. What's the worst part about having sex with a six year-old? Getting the blood out of your clown suit. What's the best thing about getting a hand job from a five year-old? That little hand makes your thing look really huge. Guy comes home from work to find his girlfriend sitting on the porch, crying. "What's wrong, honey?" "I'm leaving you! I just found out you're a pædophile!" "Pædophile? Why, that's a pretty big word for a ten-year old." How can you tell when your sister's on her period? When your dad's dick tastes like blood! Two pedophiles are lying on a beach tanning, one turns to the other and says, "Excuse me, you're in my son." What's 18 inches long, blue, veiny, and makes a woman cry? Crib death. How could the man's seven year-old son tell that his dad has farked his eight year-old sister? His dad's weiner tasted like blood! Watson returns home to find Holmes in bed with a child. He shouts, "Is this some sort of a schoolgirl?" Holmes replies, "Elementary, my dear Watson." So I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I decided I wanted to get kinky and try and do her in the ass. So I slipped around back; she looked over her shoulder at me and said, "My, how presumptious of you." I said, "Presumptious? That's a big word for a ten year-old." Two guys are walking down the street when a beautiful woman passes. The first guy says, "Damn! I'd love to tear her clothes off, do her in the rear, smear my fæces all over her, slice off her breasts, chop her into little pieces, put her in a garbage bag and toss her into the river!" Second guy says, "Yuck! You're a sick bastard!" First guy says, "What're you? A fag?" A Kidergarden teacher is asking the kids what their father does for a living. All the kids answer except for Little Johnny. The teacher asks Little Johnny what his Dad does and Johnny replies, "My dad is dead." The teacher says, "That's terribile, but what did he do before he died?" Little Johnny replies, "He turned blue and shit all over himself!" A guy calls in sick to work. "What's wrong?" asks the boss. "I'm sick," the guy replies. "You sound all right." "No, I'm really sick. Believe me." "Listen, you were fine yesterday, and we have a lot of work today. I want you in here. You can't be that sick!" "Dude, I just banged my sister. Don't tell me I'm not sick." A little girl accompanied her father to the barbershop. While her dad received a haircut, the little girl stood next to the barber chair, enjoying a snack cake. The barber smiled at her and said, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." "I know," the little girl replied. "I'm gonna get tits, too." An older man and a small boy walk hand in hand through the woods. Boy: "These woods sure are spooky!" Man: "You think you're scared, I've gotta walk out of here alone." What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? One walked on the moon, and the other rapes little boys. Has anyone read Michael Jackson's new book, "The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing"? Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a golden delicious apple? A: I don't cum all over the golden delicious apple before I take a bite out of it. Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend? A: I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex. Q: What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life? A: You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter. Q: What do you have when you have four dead babies, take away two, and add five more? A: An orgy! Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? A: You can't fuck a table. Q: What's white and bobs up and down in a baby's crib? A: A pædophile's ass. Q: Whats the safest way to play with a baby? A: With a condom. Q: Whats more fun than feeling up a dead baby? A: Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples. Q: What does a baby and a Pinto have in common? A: They're fun to ride until they die. Q: What do you get whan you dislocate a dead baby's jaw? A: Deep throat. Q: Whats the difference between a baby and a grandmother? A: Grandmothers dont die when you fuck them in the ass. Q: What's the best sound in the world? A: Hearing dead baby's hips crack under pressure! Q: Whats worse than a having sex with a dead baby? A: Having sex with a dead baby filled with razor blades. Q: How do you stop a baby from choking? A: Take your dick out of its mouth. Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before. Q: How do you make a baby cry twice? A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear. What's better than sex with a twelve year-old boy? Absolutely nothing.Thanks to Fark.com for all of these wonderfully sick jokes! I couldn't have done it without you! And thanks to all the Anonymous Cowards who have flamed me, I have three words for you! "YHBT! YHL! HAND!"
________________________________________J. Wipo Troll, Esq.
Crapflooder Associates
Slashdot.org
http://translate.google.com/translate?u=http%3A%2F %2Fwww.spiegel.de%2Fnetzwelt%2Fnetzkultur%2F0%2C15 18%2C174146%2C00.html&langpair=de%7Cen&hl=en&prev= %2Flanguage_tools
I sure hope they changed the filter by now.
Anyone care to give us the pre-punch (i.e. history) of this? :)
--- Metamoderating abusive downgraders since my 300th post.
Given that the great majority of slashdot readers speak english, why not include a link to an english translation? Are we expected to know German?
A good Christmas present to lighten the spirit... and I don't even drink coffee!
What a gift for christmas.. Bringing back the cool technology of yesterday.. danke der Spiegel.
I just don't get it.. it's a freaking coffee machine with a web cam pointed at it.
Now if it had an ethernet port and a built in webserver showing how hot the coffee is and how much is left it would be a whole nother matter.
Ever since I heard abotu this I've wanted to actualy see it, now I can. I'm quite happy
Im wondering though, waht kinda traffic si this site gonna get? I mean, after the slashdoting is over. Good or bad? What do you guys think?
In Soviet Russia you dant have to put up with these crappy jokes
The coffee machine was shut down earlier this year, but I guess it's back.
-------------------
This is my SIG. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
Suck my big round hairy balls!
J. Wipo Troll, Esq.
Crapflooder Associates
Slashdot.org
Ahhh, some good news on a holiday. I think /. should just close up today (yes, spoken from an American-Christian chauvanism that the world closes its doors on Christmas Eve:)
And with that, time to start the lamb roasting, and get to work on that wheat beer.
Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. -John Lennon
There'd be some way to monitor who is drinking the coffe, and, most importantly, who isn't making a fresh pot when they drain it!!! Man I hate that....must be my caffeine addiction talking! Got to feed that Jones!!!
as seen here:
http://www.worldlingo.com/wl/Translate?wl_lp=DE-EN &wl_fl=2&wl_url=http://www.spiegel.de/netzwelt/net zkultur/0,1518,174146,00.html&wl_g_table=-3
Although this is German, and you know how that translates to English.
[smile]
"It is a greater offense to steal men's labor, than their clothes"
Why do I keep receiving emails from someone calling himself CmdrTaco?
Malda seems to be speaking in some sort of code. Do you know what it means?
Good Lord. What is Taco-snotting?
Ewwwwww. So, can I stop receiving these emails?
I cant stop receiving these emails from CmdrTaco!?
Have you ever been Taco-snotted?
Thats horrible. Does Taco-snotting have anything to do with CmdrTacos special taco?
Does Jon Katz get involved in any of this? I thought he was a pædophile, not a homosexual.
Are you getting hard writing this?
No, thanks. Im already CmdrTacos boi toi.
________________________________________J. Wipo Troll, Esq.
Crapflooder Associates
Slashdot.org
Hey WIPO troll. General Ashcroft won't
be as kind as cmdrTaco when he catches up
with you. You are going to feel pretty
stupid when all your postings are laid
out for all to see at a federal trial.
With any luck you'll have only a $500,000.00US fine.
That should take you about 15 years of your
life to pay off. You will be lucky to get off
with so small a personal cost.
Imagine trying to get loans, jobs, girlfriends
with that kind of criminal record. A little
embarassing I would think to try to explain
yourself.
The RCS revision stamps were clever I must admit.
Haven't you considered that there may be a huge
price to pay for posting these things to public
The Trojan Room Coffee Pot page which links to the page I listed before. There's also a "biography" of the coffee pot here
I totally remember loading this thing up w/ Mosaic. The shot of it being switched off is about what it looked like then-- tiny and black and white.
-------------------
This is my SIG. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
this thing is going to end up in the Smithsonian on display as a proud emblem of the geekiness of the early internet.
:-)
Somehow I find this both amusing and disturbing.
From the translation:
But which one makes with an icon of the Webs?
Throw away? Not possibly!
I love online translators.
What the fuck are you talking about?
C - A language that combines the speed of assembly with the ease of use of assembly.
Whoa hehe. At first I thought it said "The Trojan Machine in the Coffee Room." Those are at bars, but not in our coffee room!
For those interested in the background, here is an edited Times article that I
collected when the Coffee Pot closed down:
WEDNESDAY MARCH 07 2001
*First star of the Internet retires*
BY JOANNA BALE
THE world's first Internet star is retiring after ten years in the
spotlight.
The unlikely star is a £40 coffee percolator that made its debut in front
of the camera when computer scientists at Cambridge University became
frustrated at walking down several flights of stairs only to find the pot
empty. They set up a camcorder, pointed it at the pot and wrote a program
to relay the image to their screens upstairs, so they would always know
when it was full.
When the World Wide Web was invented soon afterwards, they put it online as
the world's first webcam. Although it is the Internet equivalent of
watching paint dry, it became cult viewing, with 2.4 million visitors.
But now Cambridge's Trojan Room webcam and its subject are being consigned
to the history books because the university computer department is moving.
Dan Gordon, 33, a research scientist, said: "It will be turned off simply
because there is no more need for it.
"It became very popular because it was up and running when there really
wasn't very much else to look at on the Internet. We've kept it going using
old machines, but it quite often breaks down."
Quentin Stafford-Fraser, the man behind the pot website, said: "I first
rigged it up because we were fed up of traipsing half-way around the
building to find there was no coffee in the pot. At first, the image was
only updated about three times a minute - it is now one frame a second -
but that was fine because the pot filled rather slowly, and it was only
greyscale, which was also fine, because so was the coffee.
There outside perhaps the Trojan Room Coffee machine brueht and bubbles and steams again, almost approximately around the clock and those locally warms itself stomach and hands at the hot coffee, and those a little the heart.
locally warms a little the heart, doesn't it?
The comeback of the Trojan Room Coffee Cam
The legendary Krups ProAroma out of the even more legendary "Trojan Room" wrote history as the worldwide first webcam. She didn't get thrown away last August because SPIEGEL ONLINE together with a sponsor bought it from the University. Now she is makingn coffee again.
CAM 1 CAM 2
Ten years she fullfilled her duties, brewing coffee. Hundreds of Students and workers at the computer lab at the University of Cambridge warmed their hands and stomachs with the coffee. Million of Web-Surfers from all over the world watched. The Trojan Room Coffee Machine wrote web history since 1994 as the worldwide first webcam. Then, in the summer of 2001, she was supposed to go offline forever.
The computer lab in Cambridge moved, this was one of the reasons. The coffee, say some of the users, was for quite some time more cult than anything else - another reason. And then, in the spring of 2001, the Krups ProAroma died: An era was obviously coming to an end.But what to do with an icon of the web?
Throw it away? Not possible!
She was put up for the higest bidder and SPIEGEL ONLINE together with the Health company Fresenius as a sponsor bought it for the impressive price of DM 10,452.70: Again the "Trojan Coffee Maker" wrote history - the most expensive broken coffee maker in the world.
But she was destined to brew coffee again, she was supposed to send the steamy pictures back out into the web-world. The employees from the manufacturer Krups knew what to do: Free of charge they were going to repair this classic - even though the gurantee had long expired. So she left the office of SPIEGEL ONLINE as soon as she had come in.
And she came back, repaired, as god as new, but still the old. And so, like you could watch her from 1994 until 2001 in Cambridge you can watch her now again, out of two perspectives. The Trojan-Room-Coffee-Machine brews, blubbers and steams again, almost around the clock. And the people nearby are warming their hands and stomachs with the hot coffee, and out there, some maybe the heart.
If you want to e-mail me, use my PGP Key.
What I really appreciated from the article is that they do have a sense of perspective. It is a coffee machine, as they put it "the most expensive broken coffee machine in the world" when they bought it. Yet, a significant event in the history of the web. Hundreds of people warmed themselves with the coffee while millions of people looked at it online. The first web cam. They simply couldn't allow such an icon of the Web to be thrown away. Thanks to them, it's a piece of 'Net history that continues to lives on. I can only hope that it ends up in the Smithsonian some day, but it's our own fault if it doesn't. Thanks to the staff at Spiegel for doing this. It hasn't saved the world, but it has helped to preserve part of it. Vielen Dank von Ihrem Kameraden bei Slashdot. Froeliche Weihnachten und eines Gutes Neues Jahr.
You must be the change you wish to see in the world - Ghandi
Hurm... I'll be in Germany this coming month... I wonder if I found the Speigel office if they'd let me have my picture taken with it. Or, perhaps even have a cup of coffee from it- oh the joy in that thought. What better way to celebrate a trip to a foreign country than by paying homage to the first internationally known coffee maker.
On a side note- After seeing that translation page I have never been more glad that I took german in high school and college. Egads.
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
[Apparently this post is extremely good at getting biters. According to an anonymous cow herd, Attorney General Ashcroft is also after me now, in addition to the Canadian horsie-cops that another A.C. sent after me a couple days ago. Well, this should be fun. Keep up the biting, Slashdotters! -ed.]
I LIKE TO FUCK MY LITTLE SISTER! (AND OTHER PERVERSIONS) By The WIPO Troll, $Revision: 1.2 $
What's black, blue and green and doesn't like sex? The Girl Scout locked in my basement. What's the worst part about having sex with a six year-old? Getting the blood out of your clown suit. What's the best thing about getting a hand job from a five year-old? That little hand makes your thing look really huge. Guy comes home from work to find his girlfriend sitting on the porch, crying. "What's wrong, honey?" "I'm leaving you! I just found out you're a pædophile!" "Pædophile? Why, that's a pretty big word for a ten-year old." How can you tell when your sister's on her period? When your dad's dick tastes like blood! Two pedophiles are lying on a beach tanning, one turns to the other and says, "Excuse me, you're in my son." What's 18 inches long, blue, veiny, and makes a woman cry? Crib death. How could the man's seven year-old son tell that his dad has farked his eight year-old sister? His dad's weiner tasted like blood! Watson returns home to find Holmes in bed with a child. He shouts, "Is this some sort of a schoolgirl?" Holmes replies, "Elementary, my dear Watson." So I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I decided I wanted to get kinky and try and do her in the ass. So I slipped around back; she looked over her shoulder at me and said, "My, how presumptious of you." I said, "Presumptious? That's a big word for a ten year-old." Two guys are walking down the street when a beautiful woman passes. The first guy says, "Damn! I'd love to tear her clothes off, do her in the rear, smear my fæces all over her, slice off her breasts, chop her into little pieces, put her in a garbage bag and toss her into the river!" Second guy says, "Yuck! You're a sick bastard!" First guy says, "What're you? A fag?" A Kidergarden teacher is asking the kids what their father does for a living. All the kids answer except for Little Johnny. The teacher asks Little Johnny what his Dad does and Johnny replies, "My dad is dead." The teacher says, "That's terribile, but what did he do before he died?" Little Johnny replies, "He turned blue and shit all over himself!" A guy calls in sick to work. "What's wrong?" asks the boss. "I'm sick," the guy replies. "You sound all right." "No, I'm really sick. Believe me." "Listen, you were fine yesterday, and we have a lot of work today. I want you in here. You can't be that sick!" "Dude, I just banged my sister. Don't tell me I'm not sick." A little girl accompanied her father to the barbershop. While her dad received a haircut, the little girl stood next to the barber chair, enjoying a snack cake. The barber smiled at her and said, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." "I know," the little girl replied. "I'm gonna get tits, too." An older man and a small boy walk hand in hand through the woods. Boy: "These woods sure are spooky!" Man: "You think you're scared, I've gotta walk out of here alone." What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? One walked on the moon, and the other rapes little boys. Has anyone read Michael Jackson's new book, "The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing"? Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a golden delicious apple? A: I don't cum all over the golden delicious apple before I take a bite out of it. Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend? A: I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex. Q: What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life? A: You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter. Q: What do you have when you have four dead babies, take away two, and add five more? A: An orgy! Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? A: You can't fuck a table. Q: What's white and bobs up and down in a baby's crib? A: A pædophile's ass. Q: Whats the safest way to play with a baby? A: With a condom. Q: Whats more fun than feeling up a dead baby? A: Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples. Q: What does a baby and a Pinto have in common? A: They're fun to ride until they die. Q: What do you get whan you dislocate a dead baby's jaw? A: Deep throat. Q: Whats the difference between a baby and a grandmother? A: Grandmothers dont die when you fuck them in the ass. Q: What's the best sound in the world? A: Hearing dead baby's hips crack under pressure! Q: Whats worse than a having sex with a dead baby? A: Having sex with a dead baby filled with razor blades. Q: How do you stop a baby from choking? A: Take your dick out of its mouth. Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before. Q: How do you make a baby cry twice? A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear. What's better than sex with a twelve year-old boy? Absolutely nothing.Thanks to Fark.com for all of these wonderfully sick jokes! I couldn't have done it without you! And thanks to all the Anonymous Cowards who have flamed me, I have three words for you! "YHBT! YHL! HAND!"
________________________________________J. Wipo Troll, Esq.
Crapflooder Associates
Slashdot.org
Same coffie machine, rong camera, digitiser and access machine, bring back the good old Acorn hardware ;)
Since when sick jokes are outlawed? Get a life.
http://www.donarmstrong.com
"On 11th November 1994, we were visited by a reporter from our local radio station, BBC Radio Cambridgeshire, to make a report on this service. Naturally we connected a radio to one of our workstations and relayed the broadcast over our local network. The transmission was also recorded digitally, and now you can hear it too (1.5Mb, 3'20").
We are grateful to BBC Radio Cambridgeshire for giving permission to put this audio file on the Web."
Me not know english? That's umpossible!
-
ping -f 255.255.255.255 # if only
The whole point of the initial cam was to let others know whether or not there was coffee already brewed.
Due to their poor lighting/camera/whatever, it is impossible to tell whether or not there is coffee in the coffeemaker.
-- yawn. --
Spend your money for stale stuff instead for
the bleeding edge. Why risk your bucks when others will do it for you?
Beeing too bureaucratic to be inventive,
simply reuse the old stuff others had
invented years before (and have discarded it
in the meantime).
Advertise your 'conservative' attitude to
those who march in front of you. Hopefully
this might blur the fact that you are two
steps behind.
Annotation: If you following the online
site of DER SPIEGEL, you'll soon find out that
they are notorious sinners against the
spirit of the Web by not offering links to
those sites, which are the current subjects
of their stories. Why? Fear to lose eyeballs
to the endless wilderness of the Web? Ignorance?
But who needs to be a leader, when you have
enough money to buy an used coffee machine...
"Guten Tag", Zeit zum aufwachen ihr Schnarcher
darkstar.frop.org
Translation of first parahraph.
For ten years it did its duty, brewing coffee. Hundreds of students and workers at the computer lab of Cambridge University warmed their hands and stomachs with it. Millions of web surfers from all over the world know it as the Trojan Room Coffee machine, which in 1994 became the first focus of a webcam. Then, in the summer of 2001, it disappeared forever.
No comment at this time
Well, duh, it's X-mas eve, and at the time of your posting it's past 10 PM in Germany, so noone is there, hence the lights are off.
Why don't more nerds in universities/companies do things like this? There's a whole heap of stuff you could do.
1) Hook up water and a supply of coffee direct to the machine. This way you could control the ENTIRE coffee creation process remotely so that you have coffee waiting for you.
2) Run Linux on it and have the coffee machine actually control the webcam.
3) Implement a thermostat so that you can go get coffee when it's at a nice drinkable temperature, rather than getting burnt straight away.
4) Hook a car battery and some wheels up to it, and make it mobile. Then program it with everyone's coffee preferences, and have it work out a route around the building delivering coffee. Y'know, just like those robots at the start of Short Circuit.
mogorific carpentry experiments
I think given the historical nature of this now-repaired coffeemaker, I think Krups ought to seriously look at running some sort of international advertising campaign using this coffeemaker. It could be a pretty effective idea, too. :-)
There was a mention of this in the ACM magazine, Communications of the ACM.
An online version of the article can be found here.
Yea, behold the BreadCam! (and it's descendant, PilchardCam)
Remember to read the legal notice beforehand though.
After looking at your post, I decided to look at the (much beloved) fishcam again. I looked at it and it appears to say, "JavaScript Fire Department" behind the machine.
Well, gald to know it's still working.
Ok...I've read the link, and the comments, and there is STILL something I don't understand about this: Why is it called the "Trojan" coffee machine?
Remember, there were no nuclear weapons before women were allowed to vote.
It's a Christmas miracle!
--T
http://www.theMediaBunker.com
... why the geeks didn't get thier own pot of coffee and keep it closer?
:)
Of course, then the webcam would've never been born, and then were would we all be?
-
WIPO Troll Club 91 Member
It is now evident by the usage of the club's ultra secret motto "YHBT! YHL! HAND!" that WIPO Troll is a member of the secret club known as Club 91. The club's web-presence is here. WIPO practices kibology, to quote the website: "A.R.K" stands for "alt.religion.kibology", and also for the ancient Celtic "algae ryngwyrm kibog", meaning "Read the directions before beginning." Below, "YHBT.YHL.HAND" is a phrase so secret that nobody on the Internet can understand it. Do not attempt to ask what it means on alt.religion.kibology. You will not get the answer. "YHBT.YHL.HAND" is the only thing which cannot be understood by the mind of Man, unless he's in Club91.
Proof of the gay-linux conspiracy!
Subject: Re: "We won't warlord it" (was Re: Wolfenstein 3d)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.warlord
From: The Mystic Mongoose
Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 22:17:24 -0500
Organization: Continuum Communications Inc.
>What does HAND mean?
Hmmm. Let's figure that out.
H=ASCII 72
A=ASCII 65
N=ASCII 78
D=ASCII 68
72+65+78+68=283. Now, to compute the mean, divide by the number of units,
namely, four, which gives us 70.75. Round upwards, and we get 71,
which when translated back is G. So, G is what HAND means.
Proof of the gay-linux conspiracy!
This is version 0.6 of a troll HOWTO, sort of a companion piece to jsm's excellent troll FAQ. As a draft, comments and criticism are always welcome, if not appreciated :)
Section 1 - Trolling techniquesThere are techniques used by successful trolls to elicit the maximum amount of responses from unthinking /.ers. This section is dedicated to explaining how
to use these in the course of your trolls. Remember though, a great troll can
break any or all of these and still be successful...
- Timing
- Exposure
- Accounts
- Layout
- Size
- Spelling
- Subject
- Style
- Linking
- Feeding
- Know your audience
- Arrogance
- Offensiveness
- Indifference
- Sympathy
- The common touch
- The 31337 touch
- Contradiction
- Denial
- Claiming credit
- Ending the troll
- The cheap $3 crack
Section 2 - Types of trollBecause you're posting as an AC, your troll will generally be ignored in favour of posters using their accounts, and so getting in early is essential. A good guideline is to get into the first 20 posts, so that people reading the article will see the troll before it is swamped out. One way of increasing the speed with which you get your troll into play is to prepare them beforehand, and then quickly customise them for the current article. This is easier than it sounds since /. typically repeats stories with small variations and runs lots of
similar stories.
Note that this is why Jon Katz stories are pretty worthless as trolling material - by the time you've found the article and prepared a troll there's already 50+ posts on it, most of them flaming Jon Katz anyway :)
Once you've got your troll in, you need people to actually read it. You also want replies - /.ers are more likely to read your troll if it starts a large
thread. You also want to remember that some people have set their comment
thresholds to values higher than 0 - to get the attention of these you either
want to get your post moderated up (see Style, below) or get a reply which gets
moderated up to 4 or 5, in which case your troll becomes visible to all.
An alternative to the time-honoured tradition of AC trolling is that of creating a "troll" account. This gives you the advantage of posting at 1 rather than 0, and slashbots are more likely to take you seriously, especially if you at least sound reasonable. If you do this, try to avoid posting stuff where it is obvious you're a troll under the account - post it anoymously instead - some slightly more canny readers actually check your user info before they reply. Not many though :)
The ultimate goal of the troll account is to secure the +1 bonus, which is currently received once you hit 26 points of Karma. To get there, employ the techniques of karma whoring that we see every day on /. and watch the karma roll
in. And of course once you get the +1 bonus, the world is your oyster in terms
of /. Posts made at a default of 2 hit even those people with the threshold of
2, are more likely to get moderated up even further if they are at all coherent,
and people tend to lose their critical thinking abilities in the face of the +1
bonus. Milk it for all it's worth.
To get people reading it a troll needs to be easily readable. Make sure you break it down into easily digestible paragraphs, use HTML tags where appropriate (but always make sure you close them properly) and use whitespace appropriately.
Generally a troll shouldn't be too short, otherwise it'll get lost in the crowd. A workable minimum is a couple of medium paragraphs. Conversely, it shouldn't be too long, or no-one will bother to read it. Keep it to a happy medium.
Whilst spelling is important if you want the troll to be taken "seriously", key spelling mistakes can draw out the spelling zealots, especially if you mis-spell the name of a venerated /. hero, like Linus Torveldes or Richard
Strawlman (thanks dmg). Related to this is the use of the wrong word, explaining
an acronym as being something it isn't or making a word into an acronym even
when it isn't.
The subject line needs to draw attention to your post without making it obvious that it is a troll. A simple statement of the main point of your argument can work here.
Once you realise that most moderators don't bother to read past the first paragraph or two, you can use this fact to craft trolls that can be moderated up as "Insightful" (note that I mean this in the /. sense rather than the
real-world sense). Start off fairly reasonable, making statements that are /.
friendly and not being too controversial. As the troll goes on, make it more and
more controversial, building it up for the coup de grace in the final
paragraph.
As we all know, a post with links is considered "informative" by the /. crowd. Moderators love it, and they rarely
check the links, so be sure to include as many as possible. And make them wrong
- a link to the Perl website should instead
point to the Python website instead, and vice
versa. The other alternative to incorrect links is "useful" links to places like
www.linux.org and www.microsoft.com i.e. places /.ers could
never have found on their own :)
The ideal troll requires no feeding - it runs on its own, generating flamewars between clueless /.ers for your amusement. But often a troll requires
some help and so you should consider feeding it. Feeding is best reserved for
people making either completely clueless responses, people making responses with
holes in, or those wonderful people who write a 2000-word point-by-point
rebuttal of your troll.
Always keep in mind the kind of things advocated on /. so that you can play
on and against them. This is why anti-Linux, creationist, gun-loving,
pro-corporation trolls work well - the vast majority of /.ers hold the opposite
viewpoints. And if a few people agree with you, so much the better - it merely
validates your viewpoint in the eyes of readers.
Be arrogant. You, as a troll, know that you're right. No other explanation could exist. The wronger the "fact", the more assertively you should state it. Make it clear that you are better than everyone else - you know the truth and they are just too stupid to realise it. Use plenty of sarcasm, and use "quotes" to show it to people too dumb to realise.
Being offensive in your initial troll can be counter-productive - it causes moderators to mark you down as flamebait in general. But if you're feeding, then you can get away with calling /.ers all kinds of things. Make broad
generalisations about /. readers - call them "long-haired Linux zealots",
"socialist open-source bigots" or whatever. Stereotyping is encouraged - people
always want to think that they're an individual, and will point this out to you
given half a chance.
Great for articles with a political or social bent, this kind of troll expresses complete indifference to the topic at hand, wondering who on Earth cares about it. An alternative method is to say that the topic only concerns a certain group of people - criminals, idiots, hackers (always use this instead of crackers) or whatever group you want to offend.
Appear to take the same stance as the people you're trying to troll - claim you're as much a fan of Linux as the next man, but... This way you can make all kinds of claims in the sure knowledge that you actually know what you're talking about. A great phrase to use here is "In my experience". Remember to act like all the things you're pointing out are unfortunate but true.
Always accuse /.ers of being elitist. This is an easy thing to do seeing as a
lot of them are. Claim that is their grandmother couldn't use it, then they are
just into it to feel better than Joe Sixpack rather than "doing it for the
average user". This is always great for working into anti-Linux trolls - attack
command-line tools and poorly designed desktops.
The opposite of the above. Claim that technology or whatever is only for the elite of society and that any attempt to open it up for everyone is wrong, an attack on intellectualism and possibly even dangerous. If people were meant to understand these things then they would, and it's their fault if they're too stupid to learn.
Never be afraid to contradict yourself, even in the space of a single sentence. The phrases "I am a top programmer who codes in VB" or "I am a supporter of open source who uses NT at work and 95 at home" will be sure to get a response from some weenie smugly pointing out the contradiction. Confuse the issue more by engaging in contradiction when you are feeding - this will confuse /.ers who will then make even more stupid replies, leaving them even more wide
open for response.
Clues
If you're feeling brave, give the reader clues that this is an obvious troll. The classic example here is dmg's stock phrase "I am often accused of trolling (whatever that is)", but also feel free to use phrases like "I have not read the article, and I don't know much about XYZ but I feel I must comment". If anyone responds to a troll with these kinds of clues in it, feel free to bask in the glow of knee-jerk /. responses.
If you're unlucky someone will accuse you of being a troll (surely not!) and try and ruin it for you. If you don't want it all to end there, then be sure to counter it by accusing them of being small-minded and petty, saying that it's easier for them to say it's a troll than to accept that people have different opinions. Be sure to say this in the subject line, especially if their subject was the infamous "YHBT. YHL. HAND."
Given that /. has its community of regular trolls (hi guys!), it's only
polite to publish your troll on one of the so-called "hidden" forums for all to
see and admire. This way, you get to bask in the praise of other trolls, they
get to contribute to your's if they want to, and you get an easy way to find the
troll later on when you want to check on its progress :)
As for when to post it, that's a matter of opinion really. You can either post it straight away or leave it will after people start biting. Remember that the troll forum is also frequented by non-trolls, and sometimes you may get a self-declared "troll-buster" try and expose you. But remember, /.ers always post
before thinking, and often it doesn't matter at all.
There is no real current forum at the moment thanks to various spammers hitting the sids, but try trolltalk, the original troll sid started by 80md and osm way back in the day. Generally all postings are done there as an AC, with your name at the end of the post. Include a link to the troll somewhere in the text, which ideally will be directly to the post and its replies - click on the #XX link in the thread to get there.
Sometimes you just get bored with a troll, or people start posting genuinely thoughtful stuff in reply (it does happen). When this happens it might be time to own up to the troll with a helpful "YHBT. YHL. HAND." post. Sometimes people will carry on a discussion of the issue, and if you're really lucky (and it was a great troll) they will completely fail to believe you and carry on arguing. If that happens, pat yourself on the back for writing a great troll :)
Finally, when all else fails and your troll gets moderated down to (-1, Troll) within ten seconds of you posting it, the only honourable thing to do is to accuse the moderators of smoking the cheap $3 crack (again) and give up :(
- The Maniac
- The Right-Wing Maniac
- Religion
- Ideology
- Software
- Guns
- The Expert
- Industry knowledge
- Helpful hints
- Offtopic Trolls
- The serial troll
- The random troll
- The vaguely related troll
- If it's funny for a fleeting moment, then it's worth posting.
- Puns. Puns are only less vile than mimes, but it's hard to mime on
/. So
feel free/obligated to litter your offtopic and random bits with puns. Hurt the
bastards. And if they're sick enough to laugh at them, then they'll eventually
end up here ;-)
- Obscure cultural references and injokes are always good. SOMEONE will get
them eventually.
- Several drafts of a serial or random post are common, but true elegance is
being able to come up with something on the spot that still makes the top 40
posts (on a post-heavy article)
Section 3 - Useful trolling linksProbably the most popular kind of troll, the Maniac holds an opinion on something, and won't budge from that opinion no matter what evidence to the contrary is presented. If challenged, the Maniac will simply get more and more agitated and abusive, deriding his opponents as "idiots", "wrong-thinking", "dangerous" and "subversive". Generally the Maniac takes a position that opposes the prevalent /. beliefs, but a similar effect can be achieved by taking a
typical /. viewpoint and pushing it to ridiculous extremes.
Maniacs can be crafted for practically every article /. posts, although some
are more obvious targets than others. Civil liberty articles, especially on
things like censorship, DMCA, UCITA that really get /.ers riled up, are usually
extremely fruitful grounds for a well-crafted maniac. The other obvious type of
article is anything which could possibly involve religion, especially evolution :)
Here are some fruitful avenues to explore:
Always popular, the right-wing maniac (RWM) is a God-fearing, gun-toting, flag-waving American, and proud of it. They don't care about the rest of the world, unless it's to "prove" that America is better than everything else, and they cannot stand liberal whining over civil rights. They hate the moral decay of America and want it to revert into a nation of heterosexual, Christian whites like it was meant to be. Woe betide anyone that dares to suggest otherwise.
There are two ways to approach this kind of maniac. The harder to pull off is the militant atheist, but this is quite common amongst /. posters and you would
have to be very offensive to get this to work. Of course with religion trolls,
the argument can go on for ever once it's started... The more common approach is
the Christian fundamentalist. They are ignorant, intolerant and bigoted in the
extreme. For them the Bible is the inerrant word of God revealed to man - it
contains no flaws and no contradictions. Thus they are strict Creationists -
mentions of evolution or cosmology will set them off on vitriolic rants. Flaming
denunciations of anyone daring to contradict the "Word of God" are the way to
go, and any kind of proof can always be ignored by appealing to "secular
humanist brainwashing". And let's not forget, the USA is the greatest nation on
Earth because it has the righteous power of Jesus Christ behind it.
Pick a philosophy, any philosophy. This troll is a troll with a cause - they have found some kind of ideological truth, and are out to expose every other philosophy as a sham. Whether it be libertarianism, objectivism, communism or capitalism, this troll will point out the obvious "flaws" in any other philosophies, whilst spouting dogma about their own. And the best thing is - you don't even need to know that much about what you're spouting - making doctrinaire mistakes will get both sides of the argument flaming you, adding to the fun.
This is an old favourite and crops up in many forms, covering the gamut from OS maniacs (Linux zealots, MS-apologists or embittered BSD fanatics), language maniacs (Pascal vs. C, C vs. C++, C++ vs. Java, Perl vs. Python, VB vs. everything), application maniacs(GIMP vs. Photoshop, Netscape vs. IE, vi vs. emacs) and also includes people who complain about how technology should only be for the 31337 hackers.
Americans love their guns, and will always fight passionately for their Constitutionally guarenteed rights to bear arms and shoot people. Even the slightest hint of criticism of this will bring down the wrath of a thousand and one enraged gun-owners on you, so it's always a great point to work into a troll :)
The Expert is someone who is "savvy" in their particular field, and is perfectly willing to give their opinion on any topic even vauguely related to their field. The Expert is most likely to be from a field which /.ers as a rule
despise - the classic example is dumb marketing guy, but try consultants,
lawyers, politicians, lobbyists, executives, journalists (just think Jon Katz).
With this kind of troll sweeping statements with little content are the norm,
along wire dire portents of future catastrophe and dark hints of "insider
knowledge".
Some possible angles to exploit:
The expert knows the computing industry from the inside - as a long-term pro, they can dispense knowledge knowing that they can "speak for the industry". Their smug self-satisfaction is bound to annoy, as is any suggestion that things aren't the way that /.ers would like it - saying "Linux requires the rock-solid
guarantee of a trusted company like Microsoft" or "Apache cannot be trusted for
mission-critical enterprise platforms" is guaranteed to get you denials
explaining exactly why you're wrong, in excruciating detail.
With their tech-savvy (or law-savvy or whatever) experience, the expert is obviously the best person to point out what's wrong with things or to give out useful "factual" information. In fact this probably works best with lawyer trolls - for all that /.ers protest "IANAL", they certainly seem to think they
could be, and any mistakes you make will send them rushing to prove themselves
by correcting you.
Not really a "troll" in the strict Jargon File sense of the word, but they certainly should be included here :) This category includes parodies, offtopic
weirdness any all kinds of amusing stuff. Not really my area of expertise, this
stuff is mainly done by gnarphlager and opensourceman. Thanks to gnarphlager for
this section.
Offtopic trolls, like any other, come in almost as many colours as an iMac, but generally not as cute. But then again, a good offtopic "troll" can affect more people than a repulsive little gumdrop on your desk, because you need to have someone SEE your desk before they can react. Simple? Moreso than even my overblown prose could indicate. Some basic examples:
Write a story. Keep expanding it. It doesn't matter what article you post it under, so long as it's high up. If you want people to recognize you, pick a couple themes or symbols, and carry them on throughout the story. Other alternatives include back linking or including the entire story, but adding more each time. Be funny if you want. Or if you don't feel like being funny, just be really weird. Someone will react.
This has nothing to do with anything. Be it a stream of consciousness rant, or a description of the corner of your desk. Another favorite is a monologue, read as if spoken from any one given entity to another. The more outlandish, the better (a pair of socks talking to a mousepad, for example). If you really wanted to be artsy, work in an actual metaphor or legitimate meaning behind it, but it's not necessary.
Start out with a comment about the article. Have a definite opinion of it. Then, after a little while, disintegrate into randomness. All roads eventually can eventually lead to cheese (yum), Natalie Portman, cannibalism, toasters, squirrels, futons, you name it. All it takes is a little bit of creativity. Oh, and feel free to use other trolls' motifs. Open source and all that ;-)
General tips:
The following links contain background information useful for trolls needing quick quotes and "expert" opinions to include.
© spiralx, I did not write this ;)
Proof of the gay-linux conspiracy!
http://www.bbspot.com/News/2000/5/office_jesus.htm l
why not just use the weight of the pot to
determine how much liquid is in it?
Yer a moron. Can'tchya read the comment? The pot sits on a hotplate.
Even if you run... I will find you
I decided I want you
Now I know.... I need
If you can't be bought, tougher then I thought
Keep in mind - I am with you
Never left out fate, can't concentrate
Even if you run...
You will be mine!
Ah, fucking you will be mine!
Ah, fucking you will be mine!
Ah, fucking you will be mine!
I found you
Leanin' out of an open window
You laughed, our fingers clenched
Too perfect, far too careless
I couldn't help myself - I just took you
Damnit man I knew it was a mistake
Better make yourself at home
You're here to stay
You won't bother me... if you let me bother you
All the doors are locked, all the windows shut
Keep in mind... I watch you
Never leave my side, never leave me, fucker
Even if you run
What the fuck is different?
Man, I can't believe I'm doin this
Proof of the gay-linux conspiracy!
I don't know why this was moderated as funny. I appreciate the translation - it's much better than what the fish came up with. Thanks for taking the time!