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1770 Mechanical Chess Player Inspired Babbage
dipfan writes "A new book tells the extraordinary true story of a clock-work chess-playing "machine" named The Turk that wowed Europe and the US in the 18th and 19th century, beating Benjamin Franklin and Napoleon, among others. Although it turned out to be a cleverly designed trick, the device is credited with inspiring Charles Babbage (the father of the computer), who played and lost to the automaton in 1820, with the idea that a mechanical engine could be programed to perform tasks... and the rest is computing history, right up to IBM's Deep Blue. There's an article by the author at Wired, and the preface and first chapter of the book The Mechanical Turk available online."
Yo tengo El Post Primero
Read a Sample Chapter of
THE TURK: The Life and Times of the Famous Eighteenth-Century Chess-Playing Machine
C H A P T E R O N E
The Queen's Gambit Accepted
The Queen's Gambit (D4 D5 C4): An opening
in which White attempts to sacrifice his queen's
bishop's pawn to accelerate the development of
his position. Black accepts the gambit by taking
the offered pawn.
You seek for knowledge and wisdom as I once
did; and I ardently hope that the gratification of
your wishes may not be a serpent to sting you, as mine has been.
--Mary Shelley, Frankenstein (1818)
Automata are the forgotten ancestors of almost all modern technology. From computers to compact-disc players, railway engines to robots, the origins of today's machines can be traced back to the elaborate mechanical toys that flourished in the eighteenth century. As the first complex machines produced by man, automata represented a proving ground for technology that would later be harnessed in the industrial revolution. But their original uses were rather less utilitarian. Automata were the playthings of royalty, both as a form of entertainment in palaces and courts across Europe and as gifts sent from one ruling family to another. As well as being a source of amusement, automata provided a showcase for each nation's scientific prowess, since they embodied what was, at the time, the absolute cutting edge of new technology. As a result, automata had a far greater social and cultural importance than their outward appearance as mere toys might suggest.
The first automata were essentially scaled-down versions of the elaborate mechanical clocks that adorned cathedrals across Europe from medieval times. As well as displaying the time, these clocks often had astronomical features (such as the phase of the moon) and, in some cases, entire mechanical theaters that sprang to life on particular occasions. A typical configuration involved figures of the Madonna and Child, who would appear through a doorway on specific feast days as the clock struck the hour. They would be followed by figures representing the three kings, shepherds, and so on, all of whom would genuflect before the Madonna, present their gifts, and then disappear through another door. A good example can still be seen today on the clock tower of St. Mark's in Venice. Municipal clocks in town squares subsequently adapted this formula but replaced the religious figures with kings, knights, trumpeters, birds, and other animals. These clocks provided the inspiration for smaller and increasingly elaborate automata that clockmakers sold to rich customers. As these devices became more complicated, their time-keeping function became less important, and automata became first and foremost mechanical amusements in the form of mechanical theaters or moving scenes.
One popular kind of automaton was the mechanical picture, a painting with moving parts driven by an elaborate clockwork mechanism hidden behind or within the frame. Another type of automaton, also intended as a conversation piece, took the form of a table ornament. Such devices could hold cutlery, napkins, and spices, had spouts to dispense wine or water, were decorated with moving figures or animals, and often incorporated a clock. A particularly fine example, made for Emperor Rudolph II by Hans Schlottheim, a German automaton maker, can be seen today in the British Museum.
Another influence on the design of automata was the long tradition of imitating nature through the construction of mechanical animals. The Italian artist and inventor Leonardo da Vinci, for example, designed a flying machine modeled on a bird and is said to have made a mechanical lion. His fifteenth-century German contemporary, Johann Müller, known as "Regiomontanus," presented Emperor Maximilian with an iron fly and a mechanical eagle, which is reputed to have escorted the emperor to the city gates of Nuremberg, though exactly how is unclear. Even less plausible is the brass fly constructed by Bishop Virgilius of Naples. It supposedly chased all the real flies from the city, which remained free of flies for eight years.
Inspired by such tales, makers of automata enjoyed the challenge of making machines that were capable of moving in a lifelike manner. There were music boxes and snuffboxes out of which singing birds or dancing figures appeared, and innumerable mechanical animals. One eighteenth-century automaton-maker, an Englishman named James Cox, made an eight-foot-high mechanical elephant encrusted with diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and pearls. Cox was renowned for his automata and mechanical clocks, many of which were sold or sent as gifts to China by the East India Company. His other creations included a mechanical tiger, a peacock, and a swan.
Sometimes automata imitated living things a little too credibly, as was the case with a supposed automaton harpsichord player that made an appearance at the court of the French king Louis XV during the 1730s and enchanted listeners with its musical ability. The king insisted on being shown the mechanism that could play in such a charming and lifelike manner, whereupon a five-year-old girl was found concealed inside the machine.
Other famous (but genuine) automata included the writer, draftsman, and harpsichord player constructed by Henri-Louis Jaquet-Droz, a member of a Swiss family of clockmakers. The movements of these automata, which could write, draw, and play music respectively, were programmed using irregularly shaped disks, called cams, threaded onto a spindle. As the spindle rotated, spring-loaded levers resting on the cams moved up and down, and controlled the motion of the automaton's various parts by pushing and pulling on connecting rods. By paying meticulous attention to the shapes of the various cams, one could program an automaton to make coordinated, lifelike movements of extraordinary grace and subtlety. Similar writing automata were built in the 1750s for Maria Theresa, empress of Austria- Hungary, by Friedrich von Knauss, an Austrian inventor who is also credited with the invention of the typewriter.
Since only the very rich could afford to buy their extravagant contraptions, makers of automata moved in elevated circles and often ended up in the direct employ of kings, queens, and emperors. Building automata thus provided a good way for serious-minded clockmakers, engineers, or scientists seeking patronage to demonstrate their abilities and establish reputations for themselves; tinkering with mechanical toys could lead to both fame and fortune. Perhaps the best example is provided by the Frenchman Jacques de Vaucanson, whose inventions dazzled Europe in the mid- eighteenth century, and whose renown as an automaton maker enabled him to move effortlessly between the worlds of entertainment, industry, and science.
Vaucanson was born in 1709, the youngest of ten children, and studied theology at the Jesuit college in Grenoble with a view to becoming a monk. He also enjoyed building mechanical toys, and he soon found that this was incompatible with his religious vocation. According to one story, he built tiny flying toys in the form of angels, which angered his superiors; another tale suggests that it was a table automaton that got Vaucanson into trouble with a senior official of his religious order. In any case, forced to choose between his religious calling and his enthusiasm for elaborate machinery, he renounced the religious life and decided instead to devote himself to building automata.
Like other automaton makers, Vaucanson was particularly interested in building machines capable of imitating the natural processes of living beings, including respiration, digestion, and the circulation of the blood. His ultimate goal was to build an artificial man. But Vaucanson soon realized that in order to pursue this goal, he would first have to put his talents to commercial use and raise money "by producing some machines that could excite public curiosity." Displays of automata were becoming increasingly popular, particularly in Paris and London, where they provided an opportunity for the public to witness a variety of elaborate machinery that they would never have been able to afford to buy for themselves.
The automaton that first brought Vaucanson to public attention took the form of a flute player. One day in 1735, while walking through some public gardens in Paris, he saw a statue of a boy holding a flute to his lips and was inspired to build a moving statue that could actually play melodies. The primary purpose of the automaton was to enable Vaucanson to investigate the human respiratory system, and to this end he furnished it with artificial lungs, windpipe, and mouth, to which it held its flute. The lungs consisted of three sets of bellows, driven by a rotating crankshaft, to ensure a constant flow of air at low, medium, and high pressure. A set of valves adjusted the amount of air at each pressure that was allowed into the windpipe, and another valve in the mouth regulated the airflow, performing the function of the tongue. The movements of these valves, together with those of the fingers and the lips, were controlled by a set of spring-loaded levers whose ends rested on the surface of a rotating drum. The surface of the drum was covered with small studs; as the ends of the levers passed over these studs, they rose and fell, causing the automaton to move its fingers and lips accordingly. This meant that every aspect of the automaton's complex operation could be programmed in advance by inserting a suitable configuration of studs into the surface of the drum. The automaton could thus be made to play intricate melodies and mimic almost all of the subtleties of a human flute player's breathing and musical expression.
Vaucanson put his flute player on public display in Paris in October 1737, and it was an immediate success. Mindful of the false automaton that had deceived the court of Louis XV, Vaucanson subsequently allowed his flute player to be scrutinized by members of the Academy of Sciences in Paris, one the world's leading scientific societies, to dispel any question of trickery. One account of the event written by Juvigny, a French politician, recorded that "at first many people would not believe that the sounds were produced by the flute which the automaton was holding. These people believed that the sounds must come from an organ enclosed in the body of the figure. The most incredulous, however, were soon convinced that the automaton was in fact blowing the flute, and that the breath coming from his lips made it play and that the movement of his fingers determined the different notes. The machine was submitted to the most minute examination and to the strictest tests. The spectators were permitted to see even the innermost springs and to follow their movements." Vaucanson's flute player was thus proven to be an entirely genuine automaton. What the false automaton had accomplished through trickery, Vaucanson had achieved through a combination of ingenuity and the latest in mechanical technology.
Within a few months he had completed a second automaton, this time of a boy playing a pipe with one hand and a drum with the other. With only one hand to play the three-holed pipe, the sound it produced was far more dependent on the air pressure, the tonguing, and the position of the automaton's fingers. It thus presented a further challenge to Vaucanson's ability to mimic human subtleties. But it was Vaucanson's third automaton, a model of the digestive system, that was to become his most famous creation. Instead of building it in the form of a person, Vaucanson decided to imitate an animal and built a mechanical duck.
He described this automaton in a letter to a contemporary as "an artificial duck made of gilded copper that drinks, eats, quacks, splashes about on the water, and digests his food like a living duck." The duck could stretch out its neck, take grain from a spectator's hand, and then swallow, digest, and excrete it. The duck's wings were anatomically exact copies of real wings, with each bone rendered in metal and adorned with a few feathers. The duck could even flap its wings and create a gentle breeze. But while spectators were chiefly struck by the extraordinarily lifelike nature of the duck, Vaucanson was chiefly interested in its innards, which he left exposed to view. The duck's insides imitated the digestive process by dissolving the grain in an artificial stomach, from where it was passed along tubes and excreted. In the process of building this automaton, Vaucanson pioneered the development of flexible rubber tubing.
In common with Vaucanson's other automata, the duck was mounted on a wooden pedestal, and its mechanism was powered by a falling weight, in the same way as a grandfather clock. The weight was suspended on a cord, which was wrapped around a large drum. As the weight fell, it turned the drum, thus directing the duck's movements through an elaborate system of cams and levers. In the words of Juvigny, "During the time that this artificial animal was eating grain from someone's hand, drinking and splashing in the water brought to him in a vase, passing his excrements, flapping and spreading his wings and imitating all the movements of a living duck, everybody was allowed to look inside the pedestal. In this were all the wheels, all the levers, and all the wires communicating through the animal's legs with the different parts of his body and this was likewise open to view. As with the fluteplayer, a weight was the one and only source of power to set the whole thing in motion and keep it moving."
Such was the acclaim that greeted these extraordinary machines--Voltaire described their inventor as "bold Vaucanson, rival to Prometheus"--that Vaucanson allowed them to go on a tour of the courts of Europe, as ambassadors for French ingenuity and scientific advancement. Vaucanson was made a member of the Academy of Sciences in Paris; King Frederick II of Prussia offered him a job with a generous salary of 12,000 livres; he was even given the opportunity by Louis XV of France to go on an expedition to Guiana in order to further the development of his new rubber tubing.
However, Vaucanson decided to stay in France and pursue his goal of building an artificial man. Once it was completed, he hoped to use this automaton "to perform experiments on animal functions, and thence to gather inductions to know the different states of health of men so as to remedy their ills." But this ambitious project quickly stalled, so in 1741 Vaucanson accepted the offer of the lucrative government post of inspector of manufactures, with responsibility for applying his mechanical ingenuity to the modernization of the French weaving industry. He drew up elaborate plans to transform manufacturing methods and work practices. But his reorganization plans were abandoned when the silk workers of the city of Lyons, who were to try out his new ideas, heard of his scheme and complained that they would be herded into factories and forced to act as mere drudges on a production line. Wary of becoming human parts in what would be, in effect, a huge automaton, they rioted in the streets, forcing Vaucanson to disguise himself as a monk and flee for his life.
Vaucanson returned to Paris, where he decided to withdraw from the limelight. In 1743, he sold his trio of automata to a consortium of businessmen from Lyons, who showcased them at the Haymarket theater in London and subsequently displayed them across Europe. Vaucanson was appointed official examiner of new machine inventions at the Academy of Sciences in Paris and spent his remaining years working on many other inventions, including a number of improvements to machine tools such as lathes, milling machines, and drills. He also devised a machine to manufacture an endless chain and spent many years working on a power loom that could weave silk automatically, without the need for human intervention. With this machine, Vaucanson declared, "a horse, an ox or an ass can make cloth more beautiful and much more perfect than the most able silkworkers . . . each machine makes each day as much material as the best worker, when he is not wasting time." But his weaving machine never got past the experimental stage and was not adopted by the weaving industry. Vaucanson never built his artificial man either. He was, however, responsible for causing a surge in public interest in automata. His work paved the way for many subsequent inventions and inspired other automaton makers--including Wolfgang von Kempelen.
As one of Maria Theresa's senior officials, Wolfgang von Kempelen would have seen a procession of automata and other scientific amusements being presented to the empress at her court in Vienna, including musical automata, mechanical animals, and other contraptions. But he was no ordinary observer, for he had taught himself the principles of physics, mechanics, and hydraulics, even though he had come to the subject relatively late in life. This meant he was able to appreciate how the various automata worked, and to observe which ones were regarded as most impressive by spectators. At some point, he started to hatch a plan for an automaton of his own.
As a wealthy civil servant, Kempelen was an unlikely automaton maker; it seems he was simply looking for a challenge beyond the humdrum routine of his day-to-day duties. For although he was doing well in his career, life at the court was insufficiently stimulating to someone with such a wide range of interests.
Born in 1734, as a young man Kempelen had studied philosophy and law in Vienna. He then made an artistic pilgrimage to Italy before being formally introduced to the Viennese court by his father, Engelbert, a retired customs officer, in 1755. A strikingly handsome twenty-one-year-old who spoke several languages, Kempelen made an immediate impression. He was given the important task of translating the Hungarian civil code from Latin into German, which Maria Theresa had made the official language throughout her newly united kingdom of Austria-Hungary. Kempelen retired to his living quarters and completed the work in a few days. His translation was hailed as a masterpiece; it seemed extraordinary that he could have produced so flawless a translation of such a complex text in so little time. Kempelen was soon appointed counselor to the imperial court, with a salary three times what his father had earned. On the official document confirming his appointment, Maria Theresa wrote, "The Hungarian court will benefit greatly from young Mr. Kempelen."
Kempelen was indeed a valuable asset to the court: he was hardworking and conscientious in his professional capacity, while being charming and gregarious in person. In September 1757, with his fortunes rising fast, Kempelen married a lady-in-waiting at the court, and soon afterward he was promoted further. But Kempelen's wife, Franciscka, died suddenly a few weeks later. Shocked and grief-stricken, Kempelen responded by immersing himself in his hobby: scientific investigation. As a wealthy man, he was able to afford the expensive materials needed to equip his own workshop, where he devoted his spare time to research and experimentation. He swiftly collected an assortment of the latest scientific equipment and all the wood- and metal- working tools of a joiner, a locksmith, and a watchmaker. Adjoining his workshop was his study, which was lined with books, antiques, and engravings. One of Kempelen's friends wrote of him that "his predominant passion is invention, in which he employs almost every moment which the duties of his situation leave at his disposal."
As his interest in science and mechanics grew, Kempelen continued to prosper at the court. In 1758 he was appointed controller of the imperial salt mines in Transylvania, and he was promoted to director of the mines in 1766, by which time he had also remarried. He now felt confident enough to put his scientific knowledge into practice, and he devised a system of pumps to drain the mines when they became flooded with water. Following the success of this project, he was asked to design the waterworks for the castle in his hometown of Pressburg, the capital of Hungary, a few miles to the east of Vienna. (Pressburg was called Poszony in Hungarian and is now the Slovakian town of Bratislava.)
In 1768 Kempelen was given the challenging task of coordinating the settlement of the mountainous Banat province of Hungary. While in Banat he solved a local mystery, freeing several wrongly imprisoned men from jail. He also planned villages and designed houses, and over the next three years thousands of families settled in the region. During this time Kempelen spent a lot of time in Banat but made frequent visits to Vienna to report back on his progress. It was on one of these visits, in the autumn of 1769, that he was invited by Maria Theresa to attend the scientific conjuring show being presented to the court that evening by a visiting Frenchman named Pelletier.
Maria Theresa was particularly interested in science and had an unusually enlightened attitude toward it for her time. Soon after coming to the throne she had, for example, taken a strong line against the overzealous persecution of people accused of being vampires or witches. On one occasion she pardoned a man who had been found guilty of witchcraft and was due to be beheaded, declaring, "Witches can only be found where there is ignorance. This man is no more capable of witchcraft than I." She was also an advocate of the practice of inoculation against smallpox. Following an outbreak of the disease in Vienna in 1767 that claimed the lives of several members of her own family, the empress had her own sons inoculated and subsequently paid for the inoculation of dozens of poor children.
The empress was aware of Kempelen's growing reputation in scientific circles and hoped he would be able to explain to her how Pelletier's conjuring tricks worked. Kempelen was known to be good at explaining technical matters when asked to do so, without being a bore. "It is very rare to hear him speak of mechanism, notwithstanding it is his dominant passion," noted one of his friends, who praised the "astonishing fluency" of Kempelen's explanations "if the conversation be led to this subject." Kempelen agreed to do his best to explain the conjurer's tricks to the empress and took a seat near her in the audience. Pelletier, who is thought to have been a member of the prestigious Academy of Sciences in Paris, finished preparing his equipment and indicated that he was ready to begin. Maria Theresa nodded, and the performance began.
The exact nature of the "magnetic games" performed by Pelletier is uncertain. But his routine probably had as much in common with a scientific lecture as with a modern conjuring show. It is likely that there would have been chemical reactions, explosions, demonstrations of magnetism, and a number of tricks involving automata. Mixing scientific demonstrations and automata with more traditional, old- fangled conjuring would have given the whole performance a vital veneer of scientific respectability. At the time, conjurors were at pains to stress that their tricks relied on "natural" (or "white") magic and thus did not contravene the divine laws of nature, unlike "supernatural" (or "black") magic, which was thought to involve the intervention of the devil.
Throughout the performance Kempelen and the empress chatted, Kempelen drawing on his scientific knowledge to explain how the tricks worked. He was not at all impressed by what he saw. Indeed, he seems to have been rather irritated by the Frenchman's sneering and condescending tone, with its implication that it was the role of France to instruct the other nations of Europe in scientific matters. Once the show was over, Maria Theresa asked Kempelen, in his capacity as a scientific expert, his opinion of the performance. To the surprise of everyone present, Kempelen calmly responded that he believed himself capable of constructing a machine, the effect of which would be much more surprising, and the deception far more complete, than anything the empress had just witnessed.
Kempelen was known as a dependable and serious person, so this impetuous claim seemed entirely out of character and was greeted with laughter. But Kempelen was not joking. The empress could hardly allow such a boast to pass without comment, particularly since the matter was now one of national pride. Excusing him from his official duties in Banat and Vienna for six months, she challenged Kempelen to deliver on his promise and to build an automaton more impressive than anything that had been seen in any of the courts of Europe. Kempelen agreed not to return until he was ready to stage a performance of his own.
He went back to his home in Pressburg, where he lived with his second wife, Anna Maria, and their young daughter, Theresa. Abandoning his usual duties, he retreated to his workshop, where he spent the next few months fashioning wood, brass, and clockwork machinery into the chessplaying automaton that would unexpectedly ensure his place in history. By the end of the allotted six months, Kempelen was ready to transport his automaton to Vienna for its debut. By keeping his word, outdoing Pelletier, and impressing the empress, he could expect to be well rewarded. But things did not turn out quite as Kempelen imagined.
TODO: Something witty here...
A few years ago, while browsing around the library downtown, I had to take a piss. As I entered the john a big beautiful all- American football hero type, about twenty-five, came out of one of the booths. I stood at the urinal looking at him out of the corner of my eye as he washed his hands. He didn't once look at me. He was "straight" and married -- and in any case I was sure I wouldn't have a chance with him.
As soon as he left I darted into the booth he'd vacated, hoping there might be a lingering smell of shit and even a seat still warm from his sturdy young ass. I found not only the smell but the shit itself. He'd forgotten to flush. And what a treasure he had left behind. Three or four beautiful specimens floated in the bowl. It apparently had been a fairly dry, constipated shit, for all were fat, stiff, and ruggedly textured. The real prize was a great feast of turd -- a nine inch gastrointestinal triumph as thick as a man's wrist.
I knelt before the bowl, inhaling the rich brown fragrance and wondered if I should obey the impulse building up inside me. I'd always been a heavy rimmer and had lapped up more than one little clump of shit, but that had been just an inevitable part of eating ass and not an end in itself. Of course I'd had jerkoff fantasies of devouring great loads of it (what rimmer hasn't), but I had never done it. Now, here I was, confronted with the most beautiful five-pound turd I'd ever feasted my eyes on, a sausage fit to star in any fantasy and one I knew to have been hatched from the asshole of the world's handsomest young stud.
Why not? I plucked it from the bowl, holding it with both hands to keep it from breaking. I lifted it to my nose. It smelled like rich, ripe limburger (horrid, but thrilling), yet had the consistency of cheddar. What is cheese anyway but milk turning to shit without the benefit of a digestive tract?
I gave it a lick and found that it tasted better then it smelled. I've found since then that shit nearly almost does.
I hesitated no longer. I shoved the fucking thing as far into my mouth as I could get it and sucked on it like a big brown cock, beating my meat like a madman. I wanted to completely engulf it and bit off a large chunk, flooding my mouth with the intense, bittersweet flavor. To my delight I found that while the water in the bowl had chilled the outside of the turd, it was still warm inside. As I chewed I discovered that it was filled with hard little bits of something I soon identified as peanuts. He hadn't chewed them carefully and they'd passed through his body virtually unchanged. I ate it greedily, sending lump after peanutty lump sliding scratchily down my throat. My only regret was the donor of this feast wasn't there to wash it down with his piss.
I soon reached a terrific climax. I caught my cum in the cupped palm of my hand and drank it down. Believe me, there is no more delightful combination of flavors than the hot sweetness of cum with the rich bitterness of shit.
Afterwards I was sorry that I hadn't made it last longer. But then I realized that I still had a lot of fun in store for me. There was still a clutch of virile turds left in the bowl. I tenderly fished them out, rolled them into my handkerchief, and stashed them in my briefcase. In the week to come I found all kinds of ways to eat the shit without bolting it right down. Once eaten it's gone forever unless you want to filch it third hand out of your own asshole. Not an unreasonable recourse in moments of desperation or simple boredom.
I stored the turds in the refrigerator when I was not using them but within a week they were all gone. The last one I held in my mouth without chewing, letting it slowly dissolve. I had liquid shit trickling down my throat for nearly four hours. I must have had six orgasms in the process.
I often think of that lovely young guy dropping solid gold out of his sweet, pink asshole every day, never knowing what joy it could, and at least once did, bring to a grateful shiteater.
Monster in a Box
The inside story of an ingenious chess-playing machine that thrilled crowds, terrified opponents, and won like clockwork.
By Tom Standage
One autumn day in 1769, a 35-year-old civil servant was summoned to the imperial court in Vienna to witness a magic show. Wolfgang von Kempelen - well versed in physics, mechanics, and hydraulics - was a trusted servant of Maria Theresa, the empress of Austria-Hungary. She had invited him in order to see what a scientific man would make of the magician's tricks. The event was to change the course of Kempelen's life.
For he was so unimpressed by the performance that, once it was over, Kempelen made an uncharacteristic and audacious claim. In front of the whole court, he declared that he could do better. Maria Theresa could hardly allow such a boast to pass without comment. Very well, she said. Excusing Kempelen from his official duties for six months, the empress challenged him to keep his word. Kempelen agreed not to return to the court until he was ready to stage a performance of his own.
He did not disappoint. In the spring of 1770, Kempelen reappeared before the empress and unveiled an extraordinary machine: a life-size mannequin seated behind a cabinet. The figure was made of carved wood and wore an ermine-trimmed robe, loose trousers, and a turban. The wooden box was 4 feet long, 2.5 feet deep, and 3 feet high, and rested on four brass casters. This meant the whole contraption could be moved around and rotated freely, so that it could be viewed easily from every angle. The front of the cabinet was divided into three doors of equal width, with a long drawer along the bottom. The wooden figure sat with its right arm extended, resting on the cabinet top, and its eyes stared down at a large chessboard directly in front of it. Its left hand held a long Turkish pipe, as though it had just finished smoking.
Stepping forward to address the audience, Kempelen announced that he had built a machine the likes of which had never been seen: an automaton, or mechanical toy, capable of playing chess. A skeptical murmur passed through the crowd. Kempelen explained that before demonstrating his invention, he would display its inner workings. He reached into his pocket and produced a set of keys, one of which he used to unlock the leftmost door on the front of the cabinet. Kempelen opened it to reveal an elaborate mechanism of densely packed wheels, cogs, levers, and clockwork machinery, including a large horizontal cylinder with a complex configuration of protruding studs, similar to that found in a musical box. As the audience scrutinized these workings, Kempelen opened another door directly behind the machinery and held a burning candle so that its flickering light was visible to spectators through the intricate clockwork. He then closed and locked the rear door.
Kempelen returned to the front, where he pulled out the long drawer to reveal a set of chess pieces in red and white ivory; he placed these on the top of the cabinet. Next, he unlocked and opened the two remaining doors in the front to reveal the main compartment, which contained only a red cushion, a small wooden casket, and a board marked with gold letters. Kempelen placed these items on a small table near the automaton.
Leaving all the doors and the drawer open, Kempelen rotated the automaton so that its back was to the crowd. Lifting up its robe, he revealed a small door in the figure's left thigh and one in its back, both of which opened to show more clockwork machinery. Kempelen then closed all the doors and the drawer, replaced the robe, and returned his contraption to its original position facing the onlookers. He slid the cushion beneath the figure's left elbow, removed the long pipe from its left hand, put the chess pieces on the appropriate squares, and reached inside the cabinet to make a final adjustment to the machinery. Finally, he placed two candelabras on top of the cabinet to illuminate the board.
Kempelen announced that the automaton was ready to play chess against anyone prepared to challenge it, and recruited a volunteer - a courtier named Count Cobenzl - from the audience. Kempelen explained that his mechanical man would play the white pieces and have the first move, that moves could not be taken back once made, and that it was important to place the pieces exactly on the center of the squares, so that the automaton would be able to grasp them correctly. The count nodded. Kempelen then inserted a large key into an aperture in the cabinet and wound up the clockwork mechanism with a loud ratcheting sound.
Once Kempelen stopped turning the key there was an agonizing silence. Then, after a brief pause, the sound of whirring and grinding clockwork could be heard coming from inside. The carved figure slowly turned its head from side to side, as though surveying the board. To the utter astonishment of the audience, the mechanical man then lurched to life, reaching out its left arm and moving one of its chessmen forward. The room cried out in amazement. The game had begun.
The sight of a machine playing chess was astounding enough, but the Turk, as it came to be known, also proved to be a formidable opponent. Count Cobenzl was swiftly defeated; the automaton was a fast, aggressive player, and subsequently proved to be capable of beating most people within half an hour. Kempelen, it seemed, had built a mechanical man whose clockwork mind could outthink most humans.
The Turk's sensational performance delighted the empress. Kempelen and his automaton made many more appearances before the royal family, government ministers of Austria-Hungary and of foreign countries, and other eminent visitors to the court. His extraordinary creation became the talk of Vienna, and the news of its triumphs quickly spread throughout Europe.
After the empress died, her son, Joseph II, commanded Kempelen to take the Turk on a tour of the courts of Europe. The inventor and his automaton went on to visit France, England, the Netherlands, and Germany. In Paris, the Turk defeated Benjamin Franklin, who, among his many other interests, was a chess fanatic. It suffered a rare defeat at the hands of a Frenchman known as Philidor, widely regarded as the finest player in Europe. Members of the Académie des Sciences, one of the world's foremost scientific societies, scrutinized the Turk, but they were no more able to fathom the secret of its operation than anyone else.
Wherever it went, the Turk inspired a torrent of pamphlets, newspaper articles, and books debating how it worked. Was it operated by a hidden chess-playing monkey? Was a child, a dwarf, or a legless war veteran lurking inside the cabinet? It seemed impossible; one eyewitness flatly declared that there was "no possibility of its concealing anything the size of my hat." Another school of thought suggested that magnetism, which was still only dimly understood, was involved. Perhaps, went the theory, Kempelen directed his contraption from a distance by moving a magnet in his pocket. Yet another explanation proposed that it was controlled by an offstage operator tugging on very thin wires. Or perhaps Kempelen was pushing tiny buttons, built into the Turk's cabinet, to direct its moves. There were also plenty of observers prepared to accept the automaton at face value as a genuine thinking machine.
After Kempelen's death, the Turk was bought by Johann Maelzel, a maker of musical automata who is also remembered as the inventor of the metronome (though he actually stole the design from someone else). Under Maelzel's ownership, the Turk toured Europe for many years. In 1809, it played its most famous game, against Napoléon Bonaparte, who attempted to fool it by making deliberately incorrect moves. After three such tries, the Turk ended the game in protest by sweeping its arm over the chessboard, knocking over all the pieces - to Napoléon's delight. Charles Babbage, the pioneer of the mechanical computer, was another famous opponent; he lost two games to the Turk. Babbage was certain it was under human control, though he was not sure how. But he started to wonder whether a genuine chess-playing machine could, in fact, be constructed.
Deeply in debt, Maelzel fled to America in 1825, taking the Turk with him. The mechanical man made regular appearances in New York, Boston, and Philadelphia, then toured the south and even went to Havana. A 26-year-old Edgar Allan Poe encountered the Turk in December 1835 in Richmond, Virginia. He concluded that it was controlled by someone hiding inside the cabinet, and the following year published an account of how he believed the operator remained hidden. The style of Poe's prose foreshadowed his later mystery and detective stories. Eventually, interest in the Turk waned, and it spent its last days in a museum in Philadelphia, where it was destroyed in a fire on July 5, 1854. After 85 years and countless chess games, the Turk's spectacular career was over.
A fast, aggressive player, "the Turk" beat most people within half an hour. Its victims included Ben Franklin and, in a dramatic showdown, Napoléon Bonaparte.
Kempelen's contraption was, of course, a hoax. It would have been impossible to build a genuine mechanical chess player using 18th-century clockwork technology. That so many people - even those who supposedly had scientific backgrounds - were taken in is not as surprising as it might seem, however. The Turk's debut occurred at the start of the industrial revolution, as the relationship between men and machines was being redefined; it was a time when new technology seemed to offer boundless possibilities. Why not a thinking, chess-playing machine?
That's what the great player Philidor seems to have thought, despite his victory against the Turk in the summer of 1783. That same summer saw the first public demonstration of a hot air balloon, by the Montgolfier brothers, in the south of France. The event caused a sensation in Paris and contributed to an intellectual climate in which people believed anything was possible.
The fabulous lineup of clockwork animals and mechanical men on show in Europe at the time also fostered the idea that the Turk might, after all, be genuine. From their origins as glorified clocks, automata had grown steadily more complex throughout the 18th century. One popular type was the mechanical picture - a painting with moving parts driven by an elaborate mechanism hidden behind or within the frame. Windup ornaments that dispensed cutlery, spices, water, and wine sat on the tables of many well-to-do families; mechanical dancers, animals, and singing birds decorated music boxes and snuff cases. An Englishman named James Cox made an 8-foot-high mechanical elephant encrusted with diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and pearls.
Other famous automata included a writer, a draftsman, and a harpsichord player constructed by Henri-Louis Jaquet-Droz, a member of a Swiss family of clockmakers. He programmed them to write, draw, and play music using irregularly shaped disks, called cams, threaded on to a spindle. As the spindle rotated, spring-loaded levers resting on the cams moved up and down and controlled the motion of the automaton's various parts by pushing and pulling on connecting rods. By paying meticulous attention to the shapes of the various cams, it was possible to program these figures to make coordinated movements of extraordinary grace and subtlety. Cams can now be found in all kinds of machinery; they are, for example, used to synchronize the opening and closing of valves in internal combustion engines.
The most famous automata of all were built by a Frenchman named Jacques de Vaucanson. In 1737, he displayed a mechanical flute player in Paris to great acclaim and allowed it to be scrutinized by members of the Académie des Sciences, in order to dispel any question of trickery. Juvigny, a French politician, wrote that "at first many people would not believe that the sounds were produced by the flute which the automaton was holding... The most incredulous, however, were soon convinced that the automaton was in fact blowing the flute, and that the breath coming from his lips made it play and that the movement of his fingers determined the different notes."
Next, Vaucanson built a boy who played a drum with one hand and a pipe held by the other; the sound of the pipe was even more dependent on the air pressure, the tonguing, and the position of the mechanical figure's fingers than the flute player's music was. But it was Vaucanson's third automaton that became his most famous. He decided to imitate an animal; the result, Vaucanson explained in a letter to a contemporary, was "an artificial duck made of gilded copper that drinks, eats, quacks, splashes about on the water, and digests his food like a living duck." It could stretch out its neck, take grain from a spectator's hand, and then swallow, digest, and excrete it. Its wings could flap and were anatomically exact copies of real ones, with each bone rendered in metal and adorned with a few feathers. While spectators were struck by how lifelike it appeared, Vaucanson was chiefly interested in the duck's innards, which he left exposed to view. The insides imitated the digestive process by dissolving grain in an artificial stomach, from where it was passed along a flexible tube and excreted. This involved a significant technological development, since it was the first time a tube had been made of India rubber, or caoutchouc. Such tubing proved to have many other uses.
Vaucanson became a celebrity; Voltaire described him as a "rival to Prometheus." Having built machines that could mimic respiration and digestion, Vaucanson made no secret of his dream of building an artificial man. He hoped it would be possible to use it "to perform experiments on animal functions, and thence to gather inductions to know the different states of health of men so as to remedy their ills."
In 1741, Vaucanson accepted a lucrative offer from the government to apply his mechanical ingenuity to the modernization of the French weaving industry. He drew up elaborate plans to transform manufacturing methods and work practices. But his scheme was abandoned when the silk workers of Lyons, who were to try out his new ideas, complained that they would be herded into factories and forced to act as mere drudges on a production line. Wary of becoming human parts in what would be, in effect, a huge automaton, they rioted in the streets, forcing Vaucanson to flee for his life. He returned to Paris and took a low-profile job as the official examiner of new mechanical inventions for the Académie des Sciences.
Kempelen was familiar with Vaucanson's work and shared his interest in building machines that could imitate human faculties. (In addition to creating the Turk, Kempelen spent many years researching the mechanism of speech, and in the 1770s he produced the first speech synthesizers capable of articulating entire sentences.) He must have been aware that most observers found Vaucanson's constructions incomprehensibly complicated. With the introduction of the steam engine and the power loom across Europe, there seemed to be no limit to the potential of mechanical technology. The Turk cleverly exploited this perception.
After two games against the Turk, Charles Babbage began to sketch out plans for his own thinking machine. This was the genesis of the first mechanical computer.
There are obvious similarities to the rise of the computer era in modern times. The creations of Vaucanson, Kempelen, and their contemporaries are arguably the ancestors of almost all modern machinery; automata occupied the same intersection of technology, entertainment, and commerce that computers do today. Then, as now, many people were ambivalent about the new machines. On one hand, they were fascinated - public exhibitions of automata were wildly popular in London and Paris during the 18th century - but they were also concerned that humans might end up being superseded. Just as science fiction movies of the 1960s featured evil robots and computers, 18th-century books and plays explored the dramatic possibilities of thinking machines, or of people concealed inside boxes and pretending to be machines. While many of these stories were straightforward comedies or romances, a darker mood was also abroad: The Turk's tour of Europe coincided with the Luddite riots and Mary Shelley's publication of Frankenstein.
In the end, the Turk was taken seriously because it provided a starting point for discussion of the promise - and limits - of machinery. Even scientific men who could see through the hoax enjoyed the debate spurred by the Turk. Robert Willis, a young Englishman who in 1821 published one of many books attempting to explain how the Turk worked, founded his argument on the assumption that a chess-playing machine was simply impossible. "The phenomena of the chess player are inconsistent with the effects of mere mechanism," he wrote, "for however great and surprising the powers of mechanism may be, the movements which spring from it are necessarily limited and uniform. It cannot usurp and exercise the faculties of mind; it cannot be made to vary its operations, so as to meet the ever-varying circumstances of a game of chess." Automata might be able to do clever things, he conceded, but they could not respond to events. They could not be, to use the modern term, interactive.
Even though Charles Babbage agreed with Willis that the Turk was a hoax, his experience with it led him to exactly the opposite conclusion about machine intelligence. Babbage had long toyed with the idea of building an automaton that could perform mathematical operations, and in 1821, shortly after playing his two games against the Turk, he sketched out his first plans for such a machine. This was the genesis of Babbage's first mechanical computer, the Difference Engine. Although he toiled for many years and spent an enormous amount of money - much of it provided by the British government - Babbage never completed it. One reason was that halfway through construction, Babbage dreamed up an even more ambitious machine: the Analytical Engine, which would be capable of far more complex calculations. He lost interest in the Difference Engine but was then unable to raise funds for his new design. Even so, Babbage's insight into the Analytical Engine's theoretical capabilities prefigured many elements of modern computer science. In particular, he argued that a suitably powerful mechanical engine would be able to play games of skill such as ticktacktoe, checkers, and chess. He even sketched out a rough algorithm for playing board games with movable pieces, including chess - the first time that anyone had attempted to devise one. Babbage concluded that, in theory at least, there was no reason why a genuine mechanical chess player could not be built, though its cost and size would make the idea impractical.
By the mid-19th century, public understanding of what mechanical technology could and could not do was on a firmer footing than at the time of the Turk's debut, and most people had come to regard chess-playing machines as improbable. With the rise of the telegraph - a revolutionary new form of communication - electrical devices began to eclipse mechanical ones as the embodiment of the technological zeitgeist. Little wonder that interest in the Turk declined. A few years after its fiery demise, nobody was terribly surprised when the truth emerged: The chess player had indeed been controlled by a concealed operator using a clever system of folding partitions to remain hidden while the automaton's interior was open to view.
The Turk is gone, but not quite forgotten. It is fondly remembered by historians of magic, chess enthusiasts, and, perhaps surprisingly, computer scientists. Indeed, Kempelen's contraption has taken on a new significance since the invention of the digital computer. Artificial intelligence researchers started writing chess-playing programs in the 1940s, showing just how prescient Kempelen had been in suggesting that the game was a good first step for machine intelligence. And with its setup of a man pretending to be a machine, the Turk anticipated the standard test proposed by British scientist Alan Turing in 1950: A device can be deemed intelligent if it can pass for a human in a written question-and-answer session.
Yet the most fundamental reason for the Turk's enduring popularity has only recently become apparent, following the construction of a replica by John Gaughan, a magician based in Los Angeles. Like Kempelen and Maelzel before him, Gaughan opens and closes the doors of his creation to reveal its empty interior; his Turk then springs into life. Even if you know how it works, the illusion is remarkably compelling. Ultimately, the original Turk's success depended on its spectators' deep-seated desire to be deceived. In more ways than one, Kempelen's chess-playing machine was an illusion that directly exploited the faculties of the human mind.
TODO: Something witty here...
The Turk had a midget inside doing the playing, what a fucking waste of /. space. Ture story my ass... James Burke debunked this years ago! Douchebag!
Email me and tell me what you think of widening!
From the first link .. "Kempelen's contraption was, of course, a hoax. It would have been impossible to build a genuine mechanical chess player using 18th-century clockwork technology."
What is sad to me, is that with the progression of 20th-century computers, and digital watches where even an analouge-faced watch is controlled by quartz crystal and battery, it seems as though the *art* of clockwork has been forgotton....
Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves? -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
CmdrTaco was new to the slashdot compound. He had just recently come out as gay even though he had known at some level that he was a flaming homo his entire life. CmdrTaco had discovered a website called slashdot that helped him come out, and eventually he came to be a part of the crew of Slashdot janitors living in the Slashdot compound.
CmdrTaco had heard CowboiKneel and Homos talking about Tyrone. They didn't say much in the way of useful information. All they would tell CmdrTaco was that Tyrone visited the Slashdot compound every other week on Friday. Then they would just smile.
CmdrTaco wondered with anticipation about Tyrone, but would have to wait a week to meet him.
The next Friday Tyrone visited the Slashdot compound. CmdrTaco nearly fainted when he saw Tyrone. Tyrone was huge (nearly 6 feet 6 inches tall), black, and incredibly muscular. This was in direct contrast to CmdrTaco who was short at 5 feet 3 inches tall, white, and incredibly thin. Tyrone saw CmdrTaco and said in his deep voice, "Fresh meat. I want to take him first."
CmdrTaco was both nervous and excited as he and Tyrone went to his room in the Slashdot compound. When they got there Tyrone closed the door and locked it. Tyrone then picked up and threw CmdrTaco on the bed. Tyrone then proceeded to all manner of homosexual acts against CmdrTaco's small body. Tyrone made CmdrTaco suck his dick. He would also make CmdrTaco take his dick up CmdrTaco's ass. Since Tyrone had a big black dick, CmdrTaco cried out in pain. Eventually, CmdrTaco fell unconcious.
The next day CmdrTaco woke up with bruises all over his body, with every part of his body in pain. The rest of the Slashdot janitors were in a similar state. CmdrTaco couldn't wait for Tyrone to come visit again.
HAHAHAHA!
I have metal joints. beat me up and earn 15 silver points
I'm pretty sure I've known of the Turk for years.
I read the Wired article when it came out in print a couple months ago, and I'd have to say I found it quite interesting. It seems to be the Turk was quite a feat in its time, convincing some of the world's most respected scientists that it was indeed a machine, when it was in fact not. It makes me think about today, when there is so much press covering everything, if it would be possible for something such as Deep Blue to be a similar hoax. I know IBM was very secretive about the hardware and coding and what not, so maybe all they did was stick Bobby Fischer inside. That thing sure is big enough to do that...
Thats a really cool little gadget. I wish I could have the skills to build something like that...although it'd prolly be too difficult. Programming chess games is hard enough, and there's no hardware in that...damn algorithims
GOD DAMNIT , MODERATE ME!
some people still make them, but unless you want to force people to pay vastly more for their timepieces the art of the mechanical watch is going to become mroe and more rare.
Photos.
Hi there. Today, I want to talk about a subject near and dear to all of our hearts.
WAFFLES.
There are many types of waffles. Some are belgian, some are fruity, some come from Waffle House and taste like baked shit. Some have sugar in them, but it's rumored that this is a European Communist Plot to make everybody fat. Some are "Eggos", which you are supposed to "Leggo". Some are cheap and generic, others cost upwards of a thousand dollars for a single helping. There are those you eat plain, and others go better with toppings, such as powdered sugar and Maple Syrup.
My favorite type of waffle is Belgian with fruit and stuff on top. Now that's a fucking good waffle. But there are other options... in fact, there's something for everyone!
Yes, waffles. A timeless American tradition.
WA-WA-WA-WAFFLES, EAT ONE TODAY!
This has been a presentation of the National Waffle Council.
Of course it later turned out that the competing product did not have this feature and in fact nobody had ever done it before.
G.
You gotta be kidding! My old 486 always beats me, and that damned thing is generally slower than a dead rock!
Microsoft s profits are going down the drain!
http://web.media.mit.edu/~wsack/CAA/chess-machine. html
I/O Error G-17: Aborting Installation
Now there's nothing but trolls commenting! Goooo widening!
Here's a free ebook on Maelzel's Chess Player, written by Edgar Allan Poe. It looks pretty good.
CmdrTaco was new to the slashdot compound. He had just recently come out as gay even though he had known at some level that he was a flaming homo his entire life. CmdrTaco had discovered a website called slashdot that helped him come out, and eventually he came to be a part of the crew of Slashdot janitors living in the Slashdot compound.
CmdrTaco had heard CowboiKneel and Homos talking about Tyrone. They didn't say much in the way of useful information. All they would tell CmdrTaco was that Tyrone visited the Slashdot compound every other week on Friday. Then they would just smile.
CmdrTaco wondered with anticipation about Tyrone, but would have to wait a week to meet him.
The next Friday Tyrone visited the Slashdot compound. CmdrTaco nearly fainted when he saw Tyrone. Tyrone was huge (nearly 6 feet 6 inches tall), black, and incredibly muscular. This was in direct contrast to CmdrTaco who was short at 5 feet 3 inches tall, white, and incredibly thin. Tyrone saw CmdrTaco and said in his deep voice, "Fresh meat. I want to take him first."
CmdrTaco was both nervous and excited as he and Tyrone went to his room in the Slashdot compound. When they got there Tyrone closed the door and locked it. Tyrone then picked up and threw CmdrTaco on the bed. Tyrone then proceeded to all manner of homosexual acts against CmdrTaco's small body. Tyrone made CmdrTaco suck his dick. He would also make CmdrTaco take his dick up CmdrTaco's ass. Since Tyrone had a big black dick, CmdrTaco cried out in pain. Eventually, CmdrTaco fell unconcious.
The next day CmdrTaco woke up with bruises all over his body, with every part of his body in pain. The rest of the Slashdot janitors were in a similar state. CmdrTaco couldn't wait for Tyrone to come visit again.........
2. Make it simple, make it strong
Ahhhh Corn Flakes, the best way to start the day, even if it's 4pm in the afternoon ;)
Please waste your mod points on this off topic post
what's that expression? any sufficiently short midget is indistinguishable from magic!
I just heard some sad news on talk radio - The lead singer of Alice in Chains, the defunct rock band whose morbid songs about death and decay sold millions of albums during the "grunge" revolution of the 1990s, has died of a possible drug overdose, a Seattle police spokesman said Saturday. Turly an american icon.
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old enough to set the table, old enough to pass the meat
Do you know the "Chevy Van" song? When I ask people about it, most people think I'm talking about that wanky Bob Seger song that comes on Suburban commercials.
To which I must reply, fuck no, dude! I'm talkin' about a Mellow Favorite of the Seventies that's so smooth it makes my balls ache for a simpler time. Allow me to expound on the matter at length:
Many years ago, there was a time called the Seventies (this is when I was born, as a matter of fact). Things were different then. For example, you could write a song about picking up a hot young hitchhiker, banging her, and dropping her off in her one-horse town-and it would be a HUGE HIT. Think of it this way: when you were at the mall in the Seventies, or at your high school dance, or whatever, instead of "Bye, bye, bye" or "Believe" by Cher playing everywhere, it was the Chevy Van song.
Oh my god, I just cannot restrain myself. Here are the fucking lyrics:
Beautiful, right? I mean, let's think about the actual events that inspired this wonderful work of art.
SIGH. What sort of world was the Seventies, where unwashed men roamed freely in their Chevy Vans, replete with orange shag carpeting, Sparkomatic 8 track players, and "If this Van's A-Rockin, Don't Come A-Knockin'" bumper stickers?
Liberate your mind in two clicks or less.
The end-all be-all of chess was not embodied in any creation by IBM, that's for sure. Computer-chess history did not end with Deep Blue, and is still alive and well on the ICC and freechess. The software that is being developed right now is A LOT better than anything the Deep Blue team ever came up with, and I have a feeling that if IBM hadn't pulled the plug on Deep Blue it would have probably lost its next match. But don't take my word for it, already Chess software is approaching the strength of Deep Blue by using hardware 1/100th as powerful. I'm sure that in 5-10 years the best machines will regularly beat the world champions on normal PCs.
...you must go and see the working model of Babbage's difference engine #2 at the Science Museum. It was completed in 1991 by the staff using Babbage's drawings and worked first time.
--- Hot Shot City is particularly good.
When Professor Campion unveiled Boilerplate in 1893, the concept of a mechanical man was not a new one. Edward S. Ellis, in 1865, wrote about a prodigy that constructed a non-sentient automaton called the Steam Man. At the time, it was considered to be nothing more than an elaborate novelty item, like Boilerplate. Stories of its feats were relegated to the tabloids and "Edisonades." In the account entitled Steam Man of the Prairies (the first of several such publications), Johnny Brainerd, a teenage dwarf, invented "a man that shall go by steam." Here is how it was described: This is a later, cruder version
Doesn't sound like you really know what the hell you're doing.
How is The Turk different than modern chess programs today?
Even the best chess programs (Big Blue, etc.) today require the input of humans. They are given instructions, and apply those instructions in a "brute force" fashion to all data in its parameters. The vast majority of the calculations that a computer is asked to make is pure bullshit.
Human intelligence will always have the distinct advantage of eliminating a lot of worthless calculations.
-----
Cast a Cold Eye
On Life, on Death
Horseman, pass by
--W.B. Yeats' gravestone
loadmod sex.o /mnt/vagina /dev/semen > /dev/penis > /mnt/vagina /mnt vagina
mount
cat
umount
8/88888\8888888888888\888888888888/8888\8888888
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`88888888|8888888888888|88888888\|8888888|88888
8\8888888|8/8888888/88\\\888--__8\\8888888:8888
88\888888\/888_--~~8888888888~--__|8\88888|8888
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0000\_00000\00000000_.--------.______\|000|0000
000000\00000\______//0_0___0_0(_(__>00\000|000 0
0000000\000.00C0___)00______0(_(____>00|00/000 0
0000000/\0|000C0____)/ \0(_____>00|_/00000
000000/0/\|000C_____) |00(___>000/00\0000
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88\888888\/888_--~~8888888888~--__|8\88888|8888 123456789012
888\888888\_-~88888888888888888888~-_\8888|8888
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000000\00000\______//0_0___0_0(_(__>00\000|000 0
a0000000\000.00C0___)00______0(_(____>00|00/000 0
0000000/\0|000C0____)/ \0(_____>00|_/00000
000000/0/\|000C_____) |00(___>000/00\0000
00000|000(000_C_____)\______/00//0_/0/00000\000
00000|0000\00|__000\\_________//0(__/0000000|00
0000|0\0000\____)000`----000--'0000000000000|00
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000|00000000000000/0000| |00\000000000000| alsjdhkjdhkajhakhqwe
000|0000000000000|0000/ \00\00000000000|0
666|6666666666/6/6666| |66\66666666666|0
666|666666666/6/666666\__/\___/6666|6666666666| basyguivfgyaeutgqgjsz
66|66666666666/66666666| |6666666|666666666| jqwbhrejkfio
66|6666666666|666666666| |6666666|666666666| jwqhrowuerir
Introduction
Ash culture is a fluctuating thing. Like any Usenet newsgroup it varies from week to week and with who is participating at any one time. Furthermore, it is many things to many people.
A document trying to describe the ash subculture cannot avoid generalizations. Indeed, we do not claim it is accurate. However we hope this document may prove to be useful, especially for newcomers to ash, to obtain an initial idea of how ashers think, feel, talk and behave.
Note that at any given time, any forum related to ash may have non ashers participating in the discussion. This article talks only about ashers.
Contents
1) Suicide
1.1) Is suicide good or bad?
1.2) Is suicide a right?
1.3) A right for whom?
2) How ashers react to various situations
2.1) When newcomers arrive, or oldtimers return
2.2) When an asher commits suicide
2.3) When an asher who attempted suicide returns to ash
2.4) Why didn't I get a reply?
3) Attitude to outsiders
3.1) Friends of people who committed suicide
3.2) alt.support.depression
3.3) Psychologists and psychiatrists
3.4) Posters who are against suicide
4) Ash Lingo
1) Suicide
Ashers do not think suicide is immoral, irrational, or selfish. For further information about our views on these topics please read the "ash FAQ - Suicide The Debate".
1.1) Is suicide good or bad?
A newcomer to ash may think that since most of society believes that suicide is bad, and we disagree with society, then it must be that we believe that suicide is good. But this is not the case.
In most societies, the common belief is that suicide is bad in general. The ash subculture believes that suicide may be a good option at least for some people. Therefore, the faq "is suicide good or bad" is misleading, since for each individual the answer may be different.
However, in contrast with the dominant culture, we do not presume to know what the answer is for each person. This is one of the reasons why we are pro-choice.
1.2) Is suicide a right?
It is important to distinguish between a legal right and a moral right. Depending on the laws of your country, suicide may or may not be a legal right. But the question of the legality of suicide is not of much interest to ashers.
As for whether suicide is a moral right, we think it is. This is our main disagreement with society.
1.3) A right for whom?
The common opinion on ash is that suicide should be a right for all, with the exception of children, and adults who are not responsible for themselves. However, there are may variations and divergence from this view.
In one extreme, some believe that children should have this right as well. However, there is usually some age below which they agree that suicide should not be a right. It seems that the real issue here is disagreement about the definition of a child/adult. It is obvious that current definitions which uses arbitrary age limits are inaccurate, however they are easy to use and clear-cut.
On the other side of the spectrum, some believe that the right to suicide is superseded in the case of other existing moral or legal obligations, such as having young children which require care, or even having pending financial obligations.
2) How ashers react to various situations
2.1) When newcomers arrive, or old-timers return
Sometimes someone who posted a farewell message returns later to inform us s/he failed the attempt. Or decided not to go through with it at the last moment. Other people leave ash because they want to go on with their lives without the presence of ash, to return later because they found out they still needed ash in their lives.
Those that remained behind on ash sometimes experience opposite emotions about these returns. Whenever you know somebody is in pain and really wants to die, one feels saddened for that person if it did not work out the way it was supposed to. At the same time, a lot of ashers feel ashamed for being glad that this person is back. Glad because of their presence, ashamed because we basically get something positive out of this persons misery.
These opposing emotions are the origin of the customary ash welcome: "Welcome to ash, sorry you're here."
Our true wish is that ash would be empty, but not because the former readers would have committed suicide. We wish that all ashers find happiness and contentment, however we know this is not always possible. Due to our altruistic desire for ashers to have better lives, some ashers find it difficult to admit that they are selfishly happy when someone returns to ash. However, ashers understand this conflict - nobody has every been offended by being welcomed back.
2.2) When an asher commits suicide
Whenever an account of suicide by an asher reaches the group, those staying behind deal with their own emotions. We understand that suicide was probably the best option available to this person. We respect this decision, we are glad that they have finally managed to escape their pain.
At the same time we are often saddened. After all, this is a person we have come to know, often even come to like. Because of their presence, they added something to our lives. A nice remark, an insightful post, a good joke, everybody has something to add to our subculture. And because they added some extra flavor to our lives, they made our lives just a bit more bearable. Because of this, we feel sad to see one of us leave.
2.3) When an asher who attempted suicide returns to ash
Ashers understand the difficulties of committing suicide, and are sympathetic of people who have attempted.
Some ashers who have attempted suicide, feared they might be ridiculed for their unsuccessful attempts. Many feel ashamed having failed in death on top of their perceived failure in life and were afraid to return to the group.
However, it is precisely at such times where ash can help most. As alienation from family and friends can increase after a suicide attempt, ash may be the best outlet to talk things over. On top of this discussion about unsuccessful attempts is usually of great interest to other ashers as it provides information on what does and does not work.
2.4) Why didn't I get a reply?
When someone makes a post, sometimes there are no follow-up posts and the reasons for this vary:
Sometimes it's not entirely clear that the poster wants a reply. If you want replies, say so.
Ashers are mostly depressed and may not have the energy to reply.
Often, people just don't know what to say.
Distractions on the newsgroup (e.g. , a flamewar).
Keep in mind that this is Usenet and your post may not have even reached all of the news servers.
The main thing is to not take no replies (especially to a first post) personally. If you don't get a response and want one then it's OK to ask (nicely) again.
3) Attitude to outsiders
The key to understanding our relationship with other groups is the concept of social control. Social control includes any process or mechanism which is designed to achieve conformity. The goal of social control is to ensure that members of society behave appropriately [1].
Involuntary treatment is a form of formal social control which ashers might have to deal with. In this case some formal institution or authority attempts to force conformity.
Informal social control, on the other hand, is much more common. It takes place during normal, everyday interaction in the form of negative responses. An example of informal social control on ash is posters who try to persuade ashers that suicide is immoral.
In this section we describe how ashers relate to other groups either online or in real life. Groups who tend to apply more social control on ashers are usually those who are disliked the most. The section is roughly organized such that groups which appear later apply increasing degrees of social control to ash and ashers.
3.1) Friends of people who committed suicide
As long as they acknowledge our values and do not try to "help" us, there are tolerated.
In fact, participation of such people in our discussions can help both sides. They can gain better understanding of suicidal people and learn to accept the suicide as a valid option. In turn, ashers can learn what pain suicide leaves on those left behind, and although such pain is not an overriding reason to denounce suicide, it is a factor which can be taken into account if so desired.
3.2) alt.support.depression
The existence of ash and alt.support.depression (asd) is proof to how differently people can express suffering and pain. Though each group's membership consists of people who are in enough emotional pain that they are considering ending their lives, the environment of each group is vastly different and in a way they are almost opposites. In ash, people can make choices about what they wish to do with their lives (be it change it, continue it, or end it.) Asd is more of a traditional suicide support group whose goal is to help its members find reasons to continue their lives and to find solutions to the problems they face. Both try to offer a safe supportive environment for their members. Since both are unmoderated Usenet newsgroups the success of this varies.
Ashers are happy to give their experience when asked, but you have to ask. Asd assumes that you want to feel better and that you desire their advice, opinions, support and e-hugs (which they express by putting your name inside of brackets {{{{{name}}}}}}, something you should not do on ash.)
On ash, you are perfectly free post "I want to die" and generally no one is going be say "No, you don't." More likely, the replies will be along the lines of "Yes, I feel that way too and it's hell." On the other hand, posting the same thing on asd will often get replies like "Yes, you may feel that way now, but the feeling will pass, and in some time period it will feel different." Asd assumes that you want to be talked out of suicidal tendencies, ash does not.
Given that the two groups are so fundamentally different, please never crosspost between the two, no matter how appropriate it may seem. Instead, ask both groups separately and you will get some very different and potentially useful opinions from both. Crossposting usually causes horrible flame wars and your question will go unanswered. The members of each group often do not really understand the mindset of the other, so a flame war between the two can cause serious psychological damage (which can be quite dangerous). These groups are sometimes the only support that some of the participants have and when that support is disrupted by a flame war, then some folks may choose to take their lives sooner than they would have if that support had been there. This may sound trite, but this is not a game we're all playing. Agree with it or not, some people do live and die by these groups and it's important to respect that.
A note to ashers. Some ashers dislike and ridicule online forums like asd, that provide a more traditional forms of support, as useless and requiring insincere displays of affection. This view is quite subjective. The support on asd suits those who read it, and not ashers. In fact the number of participants in asd substantially outnumbers those in ash. In short, don't put asd down. Many people find it useful.
3.3) Psychologists and psychiatrists
Our relation with mental health professionals is ambivalent at best. They may be helpful in many cases. However, there are also some serious problems.
Psychologists and psychiatrists are not magicians. They cannot solve all problems. Furthermore, like any profession, some of them are good and some are not. Many ashers have had bad experiences from traditional therapy - long yet unhelpful treatment, long lasting side affects from psychiatric drugs or being put into a mental institution against one's will. However, the reason for these experiences may be just that their particular doctors were lacking.
The real problems are more fundamental. The mental health establishment and us have different value systems that are difficult to reconcile. Our differences are simply a reflection of our disagreement with society in general. A society which does not acknowledge the right to commit suicide.
Mental health establishments attitudes are based on current laws/government, which, in turn, are reflections of the current society's values. To be licensed as a therapist you have to agree to uphold a code of conduct. Furthermore, mental health practitioners belong to a professional association and are obligated to adhere to a code of ethics as a condition of membership. The code is a statement of standards of conduct towards clients and others. In most cases, the law sets only minimum standards of conduct. Ethics demands more. This is especially true in regard to suicidal individuals.
The attitude of mental health practitioners in your area depends largely on the legislation in you country and the codes of ethics of the professional associations with which they are affiliated. But most of all it depends on the individual beliefs of values of the therapist.
From the point of view of ashers, mental health practitioners are agents of social control. This does not that there are not some therapists who are understanding and may acknowledge the right to suicide in some cases, but legal and ethical codes make finding such therapists a difficult task.
The use of psychology as a device for social control is not new - runaway slaves and homosexuality in America, masturbation in England and political dissidence in the Soviet Union have all been classified as mental illness in the past, and thus exposed to enforce treatment[1]. Such treatment can be as coercive as any other form of social control.
For therapy to succeed the doctor and patient must establish a relationship of trust. This allows the patient to be open and discuss anything which may help in the process of therapy. The patient trusts the doctor to do everything possible for the patient's best interest. However, ashers face serious obstacles in establishing trust with their doctors.
Ashers consider suicide to be a valid option. The mental health establishment rejects this. Note that an essential prerequisite for making a rational decision is that all reasonable options be taken into account. Therefore, from an asher's point of view, just by entering the mental health system, the asher compromises his ability to exercise a rational decision process.
To exemplify this, consider the following scenario: after many years of treatment, the doctor of an asher concludes that the situation is hopeless - there is nothing the doctor can do to help the asher out of depression. The asher could have used this information to make a rational choice: if life in the current situation is unbearable then suicide may be considered, otherwise it may still be possible to continue on living despite depression.
But the doctor has reasons not to disclose this information. Many doctors simply accept the values of society - for them suicide is indeed unthinkable. However, even if the therapist realizes that suicide might be a reasonable option for a patient, there are external forces at work.
The suicide of a patient is considered in the eyes of relatives, other patients and professional peers, as a failure for the therapist. The cost to the doctor can range from a decline in stature and prestige, to law suits and disciplining acts within their professional association.
To prevent suicide, the therapist might prolong the treatment indefinitely, adopt different or more coercive forms of treatment, raise false hopes, or refer the patient to another professional. These options are not inherently bad. However, not addressing the possibility of suicide is a betrayal of the patient.
The patient trusts the doctor to do what is best for the patient. The problem is that they disagree on what the best thing is. A doctor denying the possibility of suicide is serving as an agent of social control. The doctor becomes part of the problem rather than the solution.
For these reasons there are voices on ash against the existing mental health establishment, but on the whole, ash is not against it. With all its problems we recognize that traditional therapy may be helpful to some people. If somebody believes they can benefit from such treatment then we would recommend trying it out. Keep in mind that you may likely need to talk to several therapists in order to find one that you feel comfortable with.
However, one must always remember the limitations of such therapy: if while in therapy you are to make a decision about whether to suicide or not, you will have to make this decision by yourself, without the therapist's assistance. Furthermore, to avoid involuntary hospitalization you might have to lie, claiming that although you are suicidal you have no intentions of acting upon this, or better yet deny that you are suicidal altogether. It is unfortunate that the delicate relationship between doctor and patient has to be underlined by deception.
3.4) Posters who are against suicide
Ashers are very protective of ash as it's a unique place. At the time of this writing there are over 35000 newsgroups, yet ash is the only one that is devoted to talking about suicide in a non-judgemental environment. People who deliberately disrupt ash are dealt with sometimes quite harshly, but this usually happens after the person has been gently told where to find the FAQ (or even been emailed it). They decide that their viewpoint is somehow important/unique (it isn't, we've heard it all before) that they should receive special status and post their anti-suicide opinion anyway. Then they have earned the title of troll.
There is a group of regular ash posters who are fiendishly good at having a good deal of fun at the troll's expense. Ashers protect the group because they do not want newcomers to misunderstand what ash is about.
4) Ash Lingo
4.1) Pdoc
A Pdoc is a shorter word for "psychiatrist" or "psychologist".
4.2) 'suicide' vs. 'attempt'
A suicide is when a person has killed themselves. An attempted suicide is where a person has tried, and failed.
4.3) "catch/climb on/get on/board the bus".
The the bus phrase is a much loved ash metaphor for committing suicide. "Does anyone know if XXX caught the bus?" means "Does anyone know if XXX died (by suicide)?" The original idea was created by "just another onionhead" and can be found at http://ash.xanthia.com/ashbus.html .
Ash itself is often described as a bus stop where several people have decided to stop and chat before deciding on whether or not to get on the bus. The image resonates with many ashers.
4.4) Shiny-happy people
Shiny-happy people is an ash term that we shamelessly stole from the REM song of the same name. It refers to those who are not ashers yet want to cheer ashers up, however, they can not understand or sympathize with someone who is not happy. The most common characteristic is if they imply something like: "I'm happy and you should be to and here's how...", a message not appropriate for ash.
Calling them evangelists for happiness would not be far off the mark. Shiny-happies give those folks who have gone through bad times and are now OK or even happy (something that ash respects) an undeserved bad name.
4.5) Troll
An intrusive poster who willfully disregards the posting rules spelled out in the FAQ.
4.6) come out/come out of the closet
To come out in an ash context means to tell someone that you are suicidal. Some will also use the term when telling a person they know that they are depressed.
4.7) >>cuts
This is a play on {{hugs}} which is normally used in conventional support groups. The word "cuts" refers to some ashers tendency towards self harm.
References
[1] Society in transition: a humanist introduction to sociology, Rodney D. Elliott, Don H. Shamblin, Prentice-Hall 1992, p. 123
old enough to set the table, old enough to pass the meat
Linux Buttsex HOWTO
by Anal Cocks
Version 1.0.1, 2nd June 1998
Introduction
This HOWTO explains how to perform Buttsex in the Linux Operating System w/Enterprise Resources (LOSER). This HOWTO assumes basic k nowledge of general Linux operation.
Preparation
Most basically, all Linux Buttsex requires is a machine running the Linux Operating System, a penis (also referred to as a "cock" o r "dick"), and a willing friend. However, you benefit greatly, especially when starting out, if you posess standard Buttsex tools.
Standard Buttsex Tools
Lubricant - Slippery stuff you smear on your johnson and your friend's manpussy, to ease the transition into Buttsex mode. Vaseline will do in a pinch, but water-based lubricants such as KY Jelly and Astroglide are preferable.
Contraception - Protective barrier between your s chlong and the inside of your friend's love canal. Breeders use them to prevent pregnancy, but we queer nancies usually use them to protect ourselves from t he deadly AIDS virus. While some enterprising faggots have made do with plastic wrap or masking tape, there is no substitute for a latex condom. Most all co ndoms will do, as long as they aren't the "extra-thin" type. Some condoms are labelled as beiong superior for Buttsex, but are not necessary.
Step One -- Prepare the Anus
This step is especially important if your friend has never taken a willie in the ass before. Prepare his anus for the width and girth of your manhood with the "finger" command. It is used like so:
% finger [insert your friend's name here]
Begin with your index or middle finger, and then both middle AND index fingers, at the same time. Ten to fifteen minutes should do. If you wish, you may felate him or suck his balls, while you're fingering him.
Step Two -- Entry
Here the fun starts. Have your friend lay prone on the bed, or even better, get down "on all fours". Optionally, place a coup le pillows beneath him to make him more comfortable. Now position yourself behind him, and spread his asscheeks. Apply lubricant, generously, to both your s exrod, and his pit of pleasure. It is advisable to stick your fingers partially inside in his anus, to make sure that the entire edge of the entry is covere d.
Your penis must be fully erect in order to make a sucessful entry. If you are not already "hard as a rock", you may rub your penis in his asscrack, wh ile tweaking his nipples (or stroking his cock), and saying intimidating things, such as "I am going to make you squeal like a pig, boy. Squeal, like a pig! ".
When your sexstick is sufficiently engorged with blood, it is time to begin entry. Place the head of your cock firmly against his brown anal starfish. Begin applying firm pressure forwards, optionally using your hand to guide your dick on a true course into sodomy. Your friend is most likely moaning in ag ony or yelping, and you may either ignore this, or in a snide tone, say "You like that, bitch?".
When your penis is in, move on to the next step.
Step Three -- Hardcore Assramming
This is fairly simple. Move your dick around in his ass, towards and then back, at varying speeds. If for som e reason your dick pops out, put in back in, undaunted. Continue pumping and thrusting until you feel you are ready to move on to Step Four.
Step Four -- Orgasm
When ready to blow your load, use this command:
% stdout > ass
This redirects your standard output strea m into your friend's pink tunnel of shit. Enter the command, then with one final thrust, placing the entire length of your cock inside his body. Your penis will then eject about a quart of sticky white semen, accompanied by tremendous pleasure.
Step Five -- Cleanup
If you wore a condom, cleanup is simple. Remove the condom and toss it out your window. Then sop up any other jizz, anal j uice, excrement, or lubricant with Brawny(R) brand paper towels.
If you did not wear a condom, your friend will have a steady drip of cum out of his ass for the next few hours. Tell him to "buck up" and stuff some toilet paper in his underwear.
Afterward
Congratulations! You are now a l337 LUN1X 4$$r4mm3r, just like Linux Toreballs and his gay minions! Celebrate by masturbating to the sensual gay erotica found at http://www.goatse.cx/
.
Shouldn't that be "nearly always does"?
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
Very interesting article... however I find it unfortunate that we don't know how he pulled the hoax off. Based on what I know about automata, it may be very possible to build a chess playing machine. However doing this a hundred+ years ago? I doubt it mostly due to the fact that creating the gears and other mechanisms needed required an amazing amount of time, skill and perfection. In fact this is why I heard Babbage's machine didn't work and the project fell through. I believe someone recently (if someone can find a article for this) built babbage's machine using the old blue-prints and it worked. Another thing is, if this is a hoax I wonder who was the playing the chess. The article definitly points out that the machine was very good at what it did. They only mention one case of it being beaten (along with the napoleon incident), which would mean whoever was playing was damn good. If someone was that good, why would they hide behind the guise of a machine and not reap the benefits of being one of the best chess players in the world? Oh well, definitly a good read though.
Oh one more thing, the duck? They mention that it could take food out of a hand... how the hell did it do this? The last time I checked, motion sensors, digital cameras and such hadn't been invented yet. How the hell did the thing see where it was going, and have the ability to interact with a specific location?
can't sleep slashdot will eat me
(Reposted from an eariler story -- worth reading.)
It is now official - a Slashdot poll has confirmed: Slashdot is dyingYet another crippling bombshell hit the beleaguered Slashdot community when recently a poll on the site confirmed that up-to-date and factually-correct stories account for less than 40 percent of all submitted news stories, that the user-moderation system has fallen to pieces through the oppressive power of the editors, and that subscribers don't need to pay and can use such software as JunkBuster to filter out adverts. Coming on the heels of the latest MSNBC survey which plainly states that Slashdot has lost more readers, this news serves to reinforce what we've known all along. Slashdot is collapsing in complete disarray, as further exemplified by failing dead last in the recent Kuro5hin technology site popularity test.
You don't need to be a Kreskin to predict Slashdot's future. The hand writing is on the wall: Slashdot faces a bleak future. In fact there won't be any future at all for it because Slashdot is dying. Things are looking very bad for the site. As many of us are already aware, Slashdot continues to lose readers. Red ink flows like a river of blood. The subscribers scheme is the most endangered of them all, having lost 62% of its paying readers.
Let's keep to the facts and look at the numbers.
Slashdot editor Rob Malda (CmdrTaco) states that there are 700 paying subscribers to Slashdot. How many normal readers are there? Let's see. The number of subscriber versus reader posts on Slashdot is roughly in ratio of 1 to 4. Therefore there are about 700*4 = 2800 normal casual readers. Anonymous Coward posts are about half of the volume of the typical posts. Therefore there are about 1400 readers who can't be bothered setting up an account. A recent article put the Trolls, who post sexual insults, foul ASCII art pictures and links to vile sites, at about 80 percent of the Slashdot readership. Therefore there are (700+8400+4200)*4 = 19600 trolling readers. This is consistent with the number of Troll posts.
Due to the troubles of Andover.net, abysmal hit counts and so on, Slashdot went out of business and was taken over by OSDN who run another troubled site. Now OSDN is also dead, its corpse turned over to yet another charnel house.
All major surveys show that Slashdot has steadily declined in readership. It is very sick and its long term survival prospects are very dim. If Slashdot is to survive at all it will be among geeky hobbyist dabblers. Slashdot continues to decay. Nothing short of a miracle could save it at this point in time. For all practical purposes, Slashdot is dead.
So why now? Why did Slashdot fail? Once you get over the myriad of incompatible personalities, particularly among the editors who have repeatedly failed to check for serious inaccuracies in their stories (see the FreeBSD 4.5 "release" as a shocking example), it's clear that subscribers will continue to decrease. Using software such as JunkBuster, readers can eliminate adverts without having to pay any money. These two significant factors, along with the corrupted "moderation" scheme (where editors have infinite power over the regular moderators), only confirm yet further that Slashdot's glory days are coming to an end.
Fact: Slashdot is dying
"The chess player had indeed been controlled by a concealed operator using a clever system of folding partitions to remain hidden while the automaton's interior was open to view."
And the men who hold high places must be the ones who start
To mold a new reality... closer to the heart
-1: 62 comments
1: 26 comments
Troll week is off to a great start! Woowhoo!
James Randi did a nice write up about this, with some great pictures and commentary about the machine on his site. You can find a direct link to the articles here and here. I especially enjoyed the artwork depicting how the person inside fit in the contraption and enabled it to play chess. This was a very, very clever little hoax!
Like my comments? Try my podcast: http://www.baldmove.com
Is a homosexual. He and Rob have sex.
It will be nice when these faggots get real jobs like the rest of us. Slashdot is dying. My prediction: Substantially downsized by the end of the year. First to go? Let's hope JonKatz.
"Kempelen's contraption was, of course, a hoax. It would have been impossible to build a genuine mechanical chess player using 18th-century clockwork technology."
Don't sell old technology too short. While a fully playing chess computer was beyond their reach, there were genuine automata in the 18th and early 19th century that could play end-games mechanically. Another examples of amizingly advanced automaton is the Swiss scribe, which can be programed to write a persons name with a quilt in long-hand, including pausing to dip the quilt in the ink well.
That would still be a challenging task for a robotic arm today.
Lastly the entire mechanism that allowed the chessmen to be grasped by a person from inside the Tuks was not replicated until a few decades back, again by "advanced" robotic research.
There are some serious safety issues regarding anal sex that you need to be aware of at all times. First and foremost, whatever touches the anus shouldn't be touching anything else. Never never never take the penis out of the anus and put it into the vagina. That can lead to serious infections and other complications. After any kind of anal play, you should immediately change condoms and wash the relevant body parts thoroughly.
Of course, STDs are also a major concern with anal sex. This isn't just limited to AIDS; herpes, genital warts, syphilis, gonorrhea, etc. can all be transmitted through anal sex. You simply shouldn't be having anal sex without a condom; it's not worth the risk to either partner.
Tip #2: Lube, lube, lube
One of the most important thing to remember when thinking about anal sex is that, unlike the vagina, the anus isn't self-lubricating: you gotta bring your own grease. And, the more lube you use, the better. It will make the initial penetration much more easy and less painful for the woman and make the whole experience, for both of you, much more pleasant.
All kinds of lube are used for anal sex, from spit to Vaseline to high-tech silicone-based lubes. We'd strongly recommend spending a little money to get a high quality water-based lubricant; remember, an oil-based lubricant like Vaseline will degrade the latex in a condom, destroying its usefulness. We'd recommend products like AstroGlide or KY Jelly, available in any drug store. Note, though a condom may be "lubricated", they typically don't offer as much lube as we'd recommend for anal sex.
There are some specialty lubes designed for anal sex that include an anesthetic to numb the woman's sensation and make anal sex less painful. We'd advise against these products. The simple fact is, pain is a way of your body telling you that something's wrong. If you're in pain during anal sex, you need to focus on solving the root problems, not anesthetizing yourself so it's easier to endure.
Tip #3: Start Small
Simply put, a penis is an awful big to be the first thing you stick up someone's butt. Better to start with something smaller and work your way up. Fingers are an excellent beginning point. Use one finger, then two, to initiate your partner into the mysteries of anal penetration. Try it while performing oral sex for an extra thrill. Be sure not to forget the lube, and you might also want to wear latex gloves.
As your partner gets used to your fingers, you might graduate to a butt plug or a small dildo. Dildos are available in all shapes and sizes. Go shopping together to get one she thinks she can handle. Remember, though, don't put the dildo into the vagina after putting it into the anus. The safest way is to put a condom on the dildo before using it, and to wash it thoroughly immediately after.
mechanical computers are very common, you just don't think of them. Every car (well most) have a camshaft. It is a mechanical computer, it controls all actions of an engine. Many other exsamples are out there. It is sad to see the replacement of mechanical devises by electronic ones. Electronics are just to boring. Its no fun staring at a black chip. Staring at a clock working can entertain for hours. Maybe this is why i'm a mechanical engineer. I hope our future isn't a bland world of chips.
Brad
So enjoy moderating, IE users!
1770... This is news? ;)
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Hey hey, CmdrTaco here. I have a story in the high school section about my first time, which was with my little brother's hottie friend (Hemos) a couple of months ago.
Anyway, as with most of us guys, masturbation has always been a big part of my life. Ever since I can remember, I've been choking the chicken on a daily basis. Starting puberty at 11, I've masturbated at least once a day ever since. If I miss a day, then I more than make up for it the next time. So, masturbating at least 7 times a week for the past 6 years or so, (I'm now 17), that adds up to a fair amount of cum ejaculated from my ball sac!
One of my favourite things to do while wanking is to stick phallic shaped objects up my ass. These have included my fingers, dildoes, cucumbers and anything basically resembling a cock!
Laying spread-eagled on my bed one day, slowly stroking my uncut 6.5" dick, I massaged my hairless balls between my fingers, moaning loudly. I reached under my bed, feeling for my newly purchased friend, Mr. Cucumber...
Finding the vegetable, I grabbed the lube and slowly lubed it up, spreading some on my expectant asshole. Thinking of what lay ahead, I slid a finger up my puckered boy hole. Then two. After adding a third, I thought it was enough so I set about getting the cucumber ready again.
Rubbing my lubed up swollen knob sent shivers of delight down my back. Doing that was gonna make me cum if I didn't stop! My balls lobbed from side to side with the sudden pick up of pace with which I was beating my meat. I picked up the cucumber and placed the rounded end against my hole, feeling myself opening up for the glorious pleasure maker. Slipping it in sent huge ripples of delight through me. I slowly slid the vegetable in and out, all the time jerking off. After a few minutes of furious beating and fucking, I was very close to cumming.
"Knock, knock...," was all I heard before my best friend Hemos barged in with an armful of school books.
"Whoa! What the hell?" was his shocked response to my little bit of exhibitionism, before bursting into a fit of laughter.
With my gorgeous best friend watching, a cucumber lodged up my ass and my frantically jacking off, it only took me about ten seconds more to burst forth with my sticky white juice. A huge glob flew at Hemos and landed at his feet, before I threw my legs in the air, with the rest of my cum landing on my chest and face.
With Hemos's raucous laughter still in my ears, I slowly pulled my cock, easing the last remaining drops of cum out, putting my fingers to my lips.
"Man, that's fuckin' sick, eating your own cum," he said, grinning.
"Yeah, well, I like the taste," I smiled, "and don't deny you don't do it!" I said, before wiping my finger over each drop of cum on my body and taking it to my hungry mouth.
Hemos continued laughing and started walking out.
"Meet you out front in 5," he said, "give you some time to clean up."
He strolled out, still shaking his head and laughing.
I was very satisfied. Although I have no doubts that Hemos was totally straight, it didn't hurt to fantasise about my tanned and gorgeous friend. His face and body are a recurring image in my masturbatory fantasies.
So when's someone going to make an automaton that whacks people every time they build a website with a background that makes it totally unreadable?
This is not the only chess playing machine.. There were others, most of them containing a chess playing midget. But then some man got really frustrated when he lost the game and shot the machine with his gun..
Vision recognition is going to eliminate the need for humans to relay the board state, and there are contests in which AIs play games in which they dont know the rules, and must deduce them from the results of their actions.
Also, computer are very good at following orders, unlike humans who have the "distinct advantage" of messing up over time.
(im not trying to sound anti human, i rather like our species, its just theres some things that computers and machines do better then us, like assembly line work, and some things that we do better, like research)
You shouldnt be bashing computers and programs for doing "worthless calculations", thats what we built the things for.
This
Nice history from conception to ash. http://www.geocities.com/siliconvalley/lab/7378/au tomat.htm
here thisone works or take the damn space out of my last post. http://www.geocities.com/siliconvalley/lab/7378/au tomat.htm
"That would still be a challenging task for a robotic arm today"
:)
Not hardly. Mechanically extremely easy, we just have to write the software
This
A Multi-Gigahertz processor.
1.5 GB of DDR RAM.
Dual 100 GB hard drives.
A half dozen fans to cool the whole thing.
AND I CAN'T FIND A GAME OF OTHELLO / REVERSI THAT CAN CONSISTENTLY BEAT ME.
Slashdot gets worse every day... Pipedot: News for nerds, without the corporate slant
Imagine a cluster of those
how the fuck is this post modded "interesting"
When the british went to india for the first time, they were amazed by the fact that the natives, who they considered inferior, routinely beat them at chess. Perhaps the inventor had someone from india in the machine, as indians seem to be smaller than europeans (on average), would fit in the machine better, and would probably not compete in chess in europe.
Turing talked a lot about the Babbage Engine in his famous essay "Can Machines Think?" While that fact has very little bearing upon the article, Turing's essay touches upon the meaning of what it means to be human and whether it can be replicated. The Babbage Engine was his way of disproving that electricity is what makes humans human. Effectively it also banished the notion that it is any physical or quantifiable thing that makes humans human.
Maybe Arte Johnson got some mod points?
Those machines were not built just to get rich:
In 1879 Mephisto (Gunsberg) went on tour, defeating every male player. However, when playing ladies, it would obtain a winning position, then lose the game, offering to shake hands afterwards
.. but also to get chicks!
This FAQ is designed to give tips on trolling on Slashdot, created in celebration of Blackout Week. It is dedicated to all hard-working trolls and crapflooders.
How do I crapflood?
A crapflood is an (intentionally) content-free post. Here are some suggestions for the source of your crapflood -- remember to take care with repetition, odd characters, or repetition, to get past the lameness filter:
How do I widen pages?
A method is known and delivered to us by the beautiful Klerck which currently works in Internet Explorer alone. This will therefore ruin the browsing experience of by far the majority of Slashdot readers. Start with the text:
http://www.eveeieyhfgfcdoosammgwsnboivvbsczxlzgabc /
then repeat /ooieiabdcdjsvbkeldfogjhiyeeejkagclmieooionoepdk /
several times, remembering to avoid the compression filter trap by using different random characters.How do I karma whore?
"Karma whoring" is the practice of gaining moderation points for their own sake. It is particularly useful in techniques for defeating the moderation system. Some tips for karma whoring are:
How do I defeat the moderation system?
The moderation system is far from flawless. Here are some ways to devalue it:
How do I defeat authentication?
Don't. The FBI will arrest you for being a terrorist. Instead, make an authoritative nick like CmdrTaco (editor). The majority of people are easily fooled, and will be likely to take notice of and respond to your post, and even moderate it up. Think of it like Lunix Turvalds walking into the room -- people listen to what he has to say, and don't dare disagree.
How do I defeat the goatse link early warning system?
Simple -- use one of the many foolishly implemented redirector URLs hosted on well-known sites. Here's an innocuous recent example which pretends to link to the highly informative about.com, but in fact links to a site of the popular 90's lesbian band The Spice Girls: Informative link which will get me karma
What are some excellent sites to sneakily link to?
Mostly, you should link to gay porn. If you are reading this FAQ, you already know the URLs, so I don't need to supply them, except to say that it's almost an initiation ceremony in Slashdot trolling to link to goatse.
Administrativa
How do I justify the existence of this FAQ?
Slashdot is full of people who support unlicensed weapons ownership and dissemination of bomb creation documents -- in short, they support freedom, even when that freedom could cause harm. This document should be considered as that very freedom in action. Indeed, to disparage or moderate down this document would be un-American, and the FBI are likely to arrest you for being a terrorist.
How do I add to or change this FAQ?
Simply re-post the FAQ on Slashdot, adding an appropriate question, and incrementing the version number by 1. Before doing so, please try to ensure you have the latest version, and remember to keep this post W3C compliant!
How else can I help with the Troll and Crapflooding Cause?
Moderate this post up, re-post it, put it in your journal, and upload it on your website. Thanks!
This FAQ is designed to give tips on trolling on Slashdot, created in celebration of Blackout Week. It is dedicated to all hard-working trolls and crapflooders.
What are some good trolling tips?
Trolling is all about making people think you care, and so winding up those who care for real. Think of it like shooting a deer in front of an anti-hunt protester, or eating a Big Mac in front of a vegan. Here are some ideas for making your troll work:
How do I crapflood?
A crapflood is an (intentionally) content-free post. Here are some suggestions for the source of your crapflood -- remember to take care with repetition, odd characters, or repetition, to get past the lameness filter:
How do I widen pages?
A method is known and delivered to us by the beautiful Klerck which currently works in Internet Explorer alone. This will therefore ruin the browsing experience of by far the majority of Slashdot readers. Start with the text:
http://www.eveeieyhfgfcdoosammgwsnboivvbsczxlzgabc /
then repeat /ooieiabdcdjsvbkeldfogjhiyeeejkagclmieooionoepdk /
several times, remembering to avoid the compression filter trap by using different random characters.How do I karma whore?
"Karma whoring" is the practice of gaining moderation points for their own sake. It is particularly useful in techniques for defeating the moderation system. Some tips for karma whoring are:
How do I defeat the moderation system?
The moderation system is far from flawless. Here are some ways to devalue it:
How do I defeat authentication?
Don't. The FBI will arrest you for being a terrorist. Instead, make an authoritative nick like CmdrTaco (editor). The majority of people are easily fooled, and will be likely to take notice of and respond to your post, and even moderate it up. Think of it like Lunix Turvalds walking into the room -- people listen to what he has to say, and don't dare disagree.
How do I defeat the goatse link early warning system?
Simple -- use one of the many foolishly implemented redirector URLs hosted on well-known sites. Here's an innocuous recent example which pretends to link to the highly informative about.com, but in fact links to a site of the popular 90's lesbian band The Spice Girls: Informative link which will get me karma
What are some excellent sites to sneakily link to?
Mostly, you should link to gay porn. If you are reading this FAQ, you already know the URLs, so I don't need to supply them, except to say that it's almost an initiation ceremony in Slashdot trolling to link to goatse.
Administrativa
How do I justify the existence of this FAQ?
Slashdot is full of people who support unlicensed weapons ownership and dissemination of bomb creation documents -- in short, they support freedom, even when that freedom could cause harm. This document should be considered as that very freedom in action. Indeed, to disparage or moderate down this document would be un-American, and the FBI are likely to arrest you for being a terrorist.
How do I add to or change this FAQ?
Simply re-post the FAQ on Slashdot, adding an appropriate question, and incrementing the version number by 1. Before doing so, please try to ensure you have the latest version, and remember to keep this post W3C compliant!
How else can I help with the Troll and Crapflooding Cause?
Moderate this post up, re-post it, put it in your journal, and upload it on your website. Thanks!
My grandfather was a watchmaker and later a jewler/watch repairman. He showed me a watch one time and said "these new electronic watches keep great time, but they're as much fun to work on."
It seems to me that he agreed with your sentiment, but realized that a better and cheaper product was what people wanted.
That's the same article as the first.
now it's informative as well, oh well it's not like i read the comments to be informed
...that most of the first public appearances of computing technology appear to have been rigged demos?
It seems like some things never change.
We Americans would love to convince ourselves that we, rather Charles Babbage, invented the computer. The British have Allan Turing, and a Postal Inspector for their first computer, or so they like to think. However, the fact is that the first computer was invented by Konrad Zuse (1910-1995) at the age of 28 (1938). Konrad was unfortunately living under a Nazi Dictatorship at the time. Turing was brilliant, and Zuse probably didn't hold a candle to Turing. However, I have to step in and make sure the bogus headline here on Slashdot does not perpetuate the silly myth. Konrad Zuse is the father of computing!
It isn't a lie if you belive it.
We had (at my previous place of employment) a product that let the user manage print job "spool files" on a proprietary commercial operating system (HP 3000 MPE/V). We were already able show the user data going to "open" spoolfiles that were being created, but only up to the point that the last block of records was posted to disk.
The request was to be able to see (in real time) the very latest writes that had been made to the file even though it had not been posted yet. The claim was that the competition did this.
The solution required hunting down the process specific in-memory file buffers for the open spoolfile object and extracting the data from the buffer and polling for new records as the program wrote them (without crashing the machine if the process went away, etc.).
This had to be reverse engineered with no source code for the OS and no help from the OS vendor.
We thought it was a pretty clever hack at the time, more so after finding out that the competitor's program really only displayed the most recently posted full block of data just as our program had done.
G.
black power!!
To quote from your link, he actually invented "first mechanical binary digital computer".
Babbage still remains as the pioneer of programmable computing machines.
A dont forget (one of) the first computer programmers, Ada Lovelace, perhaps the Grandmother of computer programmers.
This seems kind of important dont you think? Ada was fidling around with programming. Surely anyone who wrote down how to do long division was a programmer too! Babbage was a legend, but just like all the people who say their inventions predated Edison, they never actually built them.
How we know is more important than what we know.
If you don't know that it can't be done, then you try and maybe you'll succeed. Just because people think it can't be done doesn't mean that it's impossible to do.
"sweet dreams are made of this..."
I notice this thread is filled with rather creative interpretations of the history of computing
First of all, Charles Babbage was very British.
While the Difference Engine wasn't much of a computer (but it was built, not by Babbage in the 1820's, but by Georg and Edvard Scheutz in 1843), the Analytical Engine, designed in 1834, was a punch card programmable mechanical computer with memory and an output printer. The Analytical Engine was never completed, however.
As for Konrad Zuse's "Z" line of computers, they where revolutionary in that they were the first binary computers. The Z3, built in 1943, might be considered the first general purpose computer. The Z3 was a 250 mFLOPS 22-bit computer with 1408 bits of RAM (64 words).
...ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.
an almost forgotten programming language
bears his name, because he was the one,
about 1660, to build the first adding
and multiplying machine....Babbage
was surely aware of his work !
Google passes Turing test : see my journal
I'd say the problem is that Americans love to convince themselves
that Charles Babbage was American!
Trying to appear erudite by using the Greek alphabet, the author claims the Greek word for "self" is "autoz". Well he's wrong. It's "autos".
Well it depends on how you define "computer". If you say Mechanical, then the Difference & Analytical engines are the first computers. If you say Electro-Mechanical, then Konrad Zuse wins. If you say Electronic with valves, then thats Turing (Which is debatable, I'll admit). If you say Electronic with transistors, then that the TX-0 & TX-2, which were built for the US Airforce (Or was it Navy? Anyone?).
;)
This doesn't even begin to include smaller adding machines, telephone switching systems and others. Deciding wether a relay is Electronic or Electro Mechanical is contentious as well.
For the record, I'm British, so I count Babbage as the first
Syllable : It's an Operating System
Link: http://www.iwc.ch/collections/collection/complicat ions/gc-en.asp
- Production limited to 50 watches per year
- Mechanical movement
- Self-winding
- Chronograph
- Minute repeater
- Perpetual calendar
- Four-digit year display
- Perpetual moon phase display
- Small seconds with stop function
- 659 parts
- Screw-in crown
- Crown-activated rapid calendar advance
- Convex sapphire glass
- Case diameter 42,2 mm
Quote:
"One of the world's most complex wristwatches gets the energy it needs to display the time automatically from the movements of the arm. The chronograph records times up to twelve hours to an accuracy of one-eighth of a second. The calendar is mechanically programmed for the next 500 years. The minute repeater chimes out the time in hours, quarters and minutes whenever you wish."
If you can read this, thank an english teacher.