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Subversive Gifts for New College Students?
openyourmind asks: "A friend's daughter is going to college, and I want to send her a package to help her in school. What kinds of things did you wish you had, but couldn't get, in college? I have already included a lockpick set, a UVmarking pen, and an LED flashlight in her care package. What else? Legal items only, please."
One of those micro-sized Pen-cams or something along those lines. Just perfect for breaking into the professors offices and snapping shots of tests.
My own pointless vanity vintage computing page
Definitely.
And a fake ID. Nuff said.
Some of the most interesting items I've found have been on and around college campuses. Ask her to send YOU some stuff, once she gets settled in there.
- Bill
A case of those wrist bands they let you wear to show you're over 21 to drink at the bar. Every color and striping.
I've hit Karma 50 and gotten a Score:5, Troll... I win!
Back in college I always wanted a girlfriend. since you're talking about a girl that probably doesn't apply, but anyway.
Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
You can't go wrong with Demotivators in calendar or poster form. Heck, every one even lists 'disaffected students' as an ideal target audience!
Okay, so they're not illegal, but they'll give your bright-eyed student a glimpse at the future of things to come after they start actively using your other gifts...
... is that my Father had better choice in his friends, so that I would not be the target of this attempt at being turned into a Dark Angel ripoff by someone old enough to know better than to use younger folks for their vicarious thrills.
As a student currenty in his third year of college, I have one suggestion....
MONEY!!!!
my other penis is a vagina
Laid
To make a pun demonstrates the highest understanding of a language
To help her socially, I suggest a bong, the barware neccessary for mixing drinks a bit better than most college kids do, and a decent stereo.
To help her medically, I suggest condoms and umm... more condoms.
What is she studying? Prof. Badinovs "How to be a nogoodnik" at Whatsamatta U?
What would you need lockpicks at college for?
Now an iPod, she could get free software from the computer center at least.
Heck, get her a tape recorder so she can tape lectures or a small video camera.
Or if she has trouble paying tuition, get her a web cam and a guide to "Whoring yourself on the internet".
"For a successful technology, honesty must take precedence over public relations for nature cannot be fooled." -Feynman
a webcam!
At least, that's what I think they all need...
What did the walrus say to the penguin? "No soap, radio."
Breast Implants. If used skillfully they can break into any room.
To help her avoid STDs, and enable her to concentrate on her studies without getting sidetracked by guys and relationships.
(IANAL, but I used to watch Perry Mason.) Last time I was in Texas, it was illegal for the driver of a car to have an open alcoholic beverage, but of course the passenger could be holding two of them. Also, I think this limitation didn't apply to pickup trucks.
For subversives:
-FF
SQUEAK, the Death of Rats explained.
There's nothing like a laser pointer for adding that little touch of frustration to tired and emotional lecturers.
However, USE SPARINGLY and only when you cannot be spotted. A little subliminal flash across the board when he/she is writing, and he or she will not know whether to get angry or dismis it as an acid flashback.
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our American dead!
Oh, and those tools are good for... erm... "borrowing" all sorts of other things, too. Truly,the gift that keeps on giving. =)
Yeah, because it's so annoying to be behind a college student who is buying $50 in groceries with quarters.
-ted
Although the lock on the chastity belt might make an unsightly bulge
You mean, like the one I have now thinking about chicks in leather pants?
Make sure it's a good lock, what with all the people running around with their new lockpicking tools ;)
Eloi are stupid, throw morlocks at them!
... would be my phone number. I can subvert in 3 seconds flat.
You forgot a shrink wrap machine so you can seal up the boxes after you copy the CDs and the serial numbers.
And always wear sunscreen!
If they've read the same posts I have they've already got caffienated condoms in the works.
A chastity belt? Well, that explains why she needs lockpicks...
A case of ramen? Better make it a cord.
So, what good is the chastity belt when it comes with a lockpick included?
"What kinds of things did you wish you had, but couldn't get, in college"
SEX
plus no more embarrassment from walking up to a 16 year old counter clerk with a big bottle of lubricant and a jumbo pack of raingear. :-)
While dating my wife, I once picked up a box of strawberries, a can of Redi-Whip and a box of condoms at the grocery store. The tennybopper checkout girl roboticly said "Have a good night" and the pimply-faced bagger said "I think he's gonna." I just smiled and ran out of the store.
"Bugger this, I want a better world." - Jenny Sparks
Why not give her me? I'm single and I'm cuddly.
OK, so I'm lame enough to reply to myself. Sue me.
Shotgun-style microphone. See telescope, above. This one is actually probably more fun, since fewer people know what the hell they are.
Stethyscope I use one in my apartment to this day to decide if my neighbors are fighting/beating their kids or if it's just a TV that's turned up really loud.
Potato gun. We used to pack one full of undies and shoot it out the dormitory window.
Tools! Particularly a decent drill or cordless screwdriver. I once stole the door from a couple of guys in my dorm who were annoying me. Of course, the utility of a $7 toolset from Walgreens merits its inclusion anyway.
Stereo from hell. I listen to classical music. So did everyone else on my floor and the floors around mine, thanks to me. I used to turn the volume up on my stereo to about halfway so I didn't have to interrupt my favorite symphony just to go to the bathroom (70 feet and probably 40 cinderblock walls away). Think about the opening of "The Big U" for a hint of what I mean. Once I beat anyone else who thought their music should be inflicted on everyone else into submission, I turned mine down too.
Vacuum pump. Another great trick. Make a slight negative pressure inside someone's closed room and watch them get knocked off their feet opening their door. Or break a window, if you aren't careful (I went to an engineering school. Can you tell?)
Quarter-on-a-string or four. To keep from having to actually pay for laundry machines. Laundromats might care. Dorms don't.
Powerful magnet. Wow are these fun.
Overhead projector. Your very own Batsignal.
Racketballs or other suitably bouncy objects. Great fun in the hall.
Block-and-tackle/pulley system. Great for getting contraband into dorms. Where I went to school, the guys on the highest floor of my dorm used one to hoist up alcohol (which was banned in dorms). Also great for moving day.
Button-maker/Tshirt printer. Sounds lame, but actually a decent source of income and not without spurious subversive uses, either.
Instant or digital camera. Roommate in a compromising position? Immortalize him forever!
No sense of shame. This makes dealing with drunks and morons particularly amusing.
-- I wanna decide who lives and who dies - Crow T. Robot, MST3K
I once bought a third network card from my university's bookstore. They have a policy of "if it's opened, we don't take it back." I ran home, plugged it in, and to my dismay, discovered that it was the *exact same* make and model as another network card in my system (doh!). The drivers for that card that came with the 2.4.18 kernel couldn't handle that. I emailed the author of the driver, who wasn't much help. I wound up using saran wrap and a blow dryer as a make-shift shrinkwrapper. The bookstore manager was a little suspicious (I ignored him when he asked if it had been opened), but he exchanged it for another card anyway.
Seriously though... a shrinkwrapper is a lifesaver for lame return policies.
Go to a vet and get about 3 horse condoms, used for breeding.
Tell her to unpackage 1 when she moves in and nail it to the wall. When asked she can innocently say "That was from my last boyfriend. I sure do miss him".
Dude, get off my brainwave...
I once walked out of a grocery store with a box of milk-bones, a dog leash and collar, a container of cool-whip, a box of condoms, and a bottle of champagne.
My girlfriend and I had just adopted a puppy. The champagne and cool-whip were for a dinner party with her parents. The condoms were for after dinner.
When the clerk looked at my g/f and said "So, the champagne makes it easier to wear the collar and leash, right?", I thought she was going to die, on the spot.
I, of course, laughed so hard I cried.
where is the "I feel for ya, but that's some funny ass shit" moderation?
Whiteboard markers.
;)
Shower Sandals (warts are gross)
Thermal beer sleves
Tylenol, Nytol, Gravol, Pepto(Rez food is also gross)
*EAR PLUGS*
One of those protective tooth brush tubes
Bounce sheets
String of Xmas lights
Cammo Netting
Blow up chair
*CONDONMS* -- Sadly rez's seem to get the condom factory rejects! Myself and numerous other guys had breakage problems with RezRubbers (Lifestyles brand).
AFA the lockpick goes... dont. If her rez is anything like mine, she'll have a great time trying to figure out those $250 locks with the cylindrical 3" keys.
IMHO go for the hello kitty vibrator instead
Webcam was also alot of voyueristic fun for myself and others this year...
Oh... and finally give her advice! I found out the hard way that HS is a cakewalk compared to Uni
Goodluck!
1) juggling balls -- learning to juggle is a great way to get the blood moving when you need a break from the books. The beanbag style can double as hacky sacks.
2) frisbee -- sometimes by accident (wink, wink) they get thrown toward cute guys.
3) ukulele -- easy to play, and making your own music is so much better than listening to the same-old same-old on the radio.
A Get out of Jail free card!
I wish I had one of those...
On the occasions that my girlfriend has locked her keys in the car and had to call a locksmith, not once has she ever been asked for proof of identification or proof of ownership of the car. I have since added a copy of her car key to my own keychain, BTW, and conservatively estimate that we've saved about a thousand dollars in locksmithing expenses by doing so.
A reasonably entertaining story, related to this topic: The one time I locked my keys in my car, I was at a shopping mall. The mall security rent-a-cops lent me a coat hanger from their office in the mall with the express purpose of breaking into my car. They didn't ask me for identification, proof of car ownership, not even for my name. For all they knew, I could have been stealing the nicest car in the lot with a coat hanger they had loaned me. And this was when I was about 19 years old, with hair down to my waist and wearing an Exhorder t-shirt that was adorned with a skull, an upside down cross, and the words "Get Rude" - not exactly the epitome of a "clean cut" type. After I was done, BTW, I returned the mangled coat hanger to the rent-a-cops, hopped in the car, and lit up a joint while driving out of the parking lot.
"Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms" should be a convenience store, not a government agency.