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Spammers Not Complying With CAN-SPAM

Zelphyr writes "The Register is reporting on a study done by MX Logic found that of 1000 messages tested, only three complied with the recently enacted CAN-SPAM act. Little wonder why the spammers weren't shaking in their boots when this spam friendly anti-spam bill was passed."

77 of 296 comments (clear)

  1. Obvious flaw by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 3, Funny

    It should have been called "CAN SPAMMERS", not "CAN SPAM" act.

    1. Re:Obvious flaw by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Insightful

      No, it's an accurate description of the law. It means you CAN SPAM.

  2. What a fscking shock... by geminidomino · · Score: 5, Insightful

    A law that says it's OK to spam, has exactly 0 enforcement behind it, and overrides stronger state laws didn't have an effect on the spammers? Who'da thunk it. Welcome to the U.S. of A. We have the best Government money can buy (off).

    1. Re:What a fscking shock... by haxor.dk · · Score: 5, Insightful

      Don't attribute to conspiracy what can adequately be explained by stupidity.

      The US gov't doesn't hold its hand over the spammers - not intentionally anyways. They're just utterly ignorant about the extent of the SPAM problem. Hence the weak legislation that has been passed.

    2. Re:What a fscking shock... by Tehrasha · · Score: 5, Insightful

      What conspiracy? A conspiracy would imply that something was done behind closed doors, covertly away from the public eye. The DMA (Direct Marketing Association), remember those guys, the ones who opposed the junk-fax ban and Do-Not-Call list? They supported the senators who wrote the freaking bill!! There was no conspiracy. Fox/Henhouse.

  3. Anyone surprised? by Kjella · · Score: 5, Insightful

    I mean, really. They've shown so much respect for other laws (deceptive marketing, viruses, DDoS, fraud, hacking relays, illegal use of resources like open relays) so why should this be any different?

    Kjella

    --
    Live today, because you never know what tomorrow brings
  4. Sure you CAN! by CrankyFool · · Score: 4, Interesting

    And we're already starting to see spam proudly proclaiming that it's "CAN-SPAM-compliant!" I suspect that we'll soon be able to put in filters to block any message that claims it complies with CAN SPAM because that will be a guarantee that it is, in fact, spam.

    And, on the opposite side of the fence, I'm seeing some people claim that relay-testing is now prohibited under CAN SPAM (because CAN SPAM makes unauthorized relaying a crime).

    Bah.

    1. Re:Sure you CAN! by mgh02114 · · Score: 2, Funny

      Thank god for Slashdot! For some reason, I had thought that the law's name was "U-CAN-SPAM"

  5. Crime pays by DigiShaman · · Score: 5, Interesting

    It doesn't matter if the crime is though hacking, smuggeling, murder....whatever. The fact of the matter is this. If the crime you commit far exceeds the net total loss from being busted, then why would the suspect want to stop? It's not that hard to figure out.

    Sometimes, you have to fight fire with fire. So ladies and gents, let the SPAM hacking begin. Anyone feel like being evangelist for Joe Sixpack with an AOL account?

    --
    Life is not for the lazy.
    1. Re:Crime pays by CaptBubba · · Score: 4, Interesting
      I think this case the problem is nobody with a high profile has gotten busted. So it is the same idea, but instead of the punishment being too low to stop them, they think the odds are very much in their favor. It is like Jaywalking to the spammers right now. They know there is a law aganst it, but they don't know of anybody actually getting in trouble for doing it and they don't think it is hurting anybody.

      If in a month the FBI (under directions from the FTC) raided the homes of and arrested 100 out of the 200 people on the ROSKO list, I would put good money down that the ratio of email complying with the CAN-SPAM act would go up dramaticly. I really think the key would be taking their computers in a raid, because they are likely loaded with IP addresses of hacked computers, open relays, and perhaps even tools/viruses to hack computers.

  6. Duh! by NemoX · · Score: 4, Insightful

    Most spammers are from overseas in non-cooperative countries (with the US). This is a US law. What do they care? This law has no effect on illegal spamming. Besides, a vast majority of it comes from compromised home Windows boxes...they should just sue microsoft for making shatty insecure O/S' which help increase your daily spam. All it's going to to is get a lot of innocent and naive computer users in trouble for not securing their boxes and allowing overseas spam to bounce through their home PC's.

    1. Re:Duh! by GammaTau · · Score: 5, Informative

      Most spammers are from overseas in non-cooperative countries (with the US).

      There is evidence to the contrary.

    2. Re:Duh! by abelsson · · Score: 3, Informative

      No, most spammers operate from the US.

  7. Why even bother? by tuxette · · Score: 5, Insightful
    What's the point of having this anti-spam law in the US anyways? The real point I mean. Is it an attempt to make American citizens or the people of the world think that the US is tough on spam or something? I mean all that stuff about real address and markers for porn are nice and all, but without the rule of opt-in, you may as well not bother having an anti-spam law at all.

    An anti-spam law ought to ensure that people do not receive spam. Period. It doesn't matter if the addresses are real or not. It does not matter if they are marked for pornographic content or not. They should not be receiving that kind of e-mail in the first place, and it should not be a burden upon the people to ensure non-receipt of spam. And if for some reason someone or other wants this kind of e-mail, they should explicitly consent to itsreceipt.

    --
    People say I'm crazy, I got diamonds on the soles of my shoes...
    1. Re:Why even bother? by inode_buddha · · Score: 2, Funny

      Somebody actually *paid* to find out what I could've told them for free... go figure.

      --
      C|N>K
    2. Re:Why even bother? by pjrc · · Score: 5, Insightful
      An anti-spam law ought to ensure that people do not receive spam. Period.

      No. Not period. Saddly, life just isn't that simple. In fact, there isn't even a precise, widely accepted definition of exactly what is and is not "spam".

      The precise definition problem is not with obvious ads for viagra, get rich quick scams, debt consolidation and mortgages, porn, and so on. It's with the fringe cases. Defining "spam" precisely enough that a ban could be meaningful is a giant problem. It's a problem most of the anti-spam community has recognized for quite some time.

      It's easy to be an armchair politician and declare "all spam should be illegal, period".... but what exactly is you definition of spam that will be banned? Something more precise that "I know it when I see it"?

      Anyone who administers mail lists, for example, will be able to tell you that even benign non-commercial lists regularily get complaints about being "spam". Many would call those end users "clueless", in that they signed up for announcement or to participate in the list (often with a double-confirm process), but later forget they had ever expressed an interest and accuse the mail list operator of spamming them.

      It does not matter if they are marked for pornographic content or not.

      Yes, it does. At least that's what the research has said. Perhaps you missed the article months ago, where researches surveyed how spam impacts real people, and found that the overwhelmingly strongest frustration with spam is the inability to filter porn spam.

      It doesn't matter if the addresses are real or not.

      Yes, it does matter.

      It's also a lot easier to define and verify whether message header and envelope information (used by SMTP) are a legitimate, good-faith representation of who transmitted the message, than it is to define whether the content of the message is "spam".

      .

      However, your message does make the very good point than an opt-in standard is the only real, long term solution. Saddly, it looks like there is not enough political support for a true opt-in standard in US law (like we currently have for faxes).

      Maybe the failure of this CAN-SPAM law will prompt opt-in? But I would expect first a modification that adds some real enforcement and penalties for forged headers/envelope and mis-labeled porn.... which are both easy to prove and will provide at least some relief.

    3. Re:Why even bother? by Anonymous+Brave+Guy · · Score: 2, Interesting

      I agree with much of your post, but do you think maybe you're being a bit too negative?

      The precise definition problem is not with obvious ads for viagra, get rich quick scams, debt consolidation and mortgages, porn, and so on. It's with the fringe cases.

      That's true, of course, but simply ruling out the sexual and financial stuff would be a good start.

      Anyone who administers mail lists, for example, will be able to tell you that even benign non-commercial lists regularily get complaints about being "spam". Many would call those end users "clueless", in that they [...] later forget they had ever expressed an interest and accuse the mail list operator of spamming them.

      That's unfortunate when it happens, sure. OTOH, I've received plenty of e-mails in my time telling me that I've "opted in" to something that I most certainly haven't (because I never opt in to any commercial mailing list unless I'm having direct dealings with the company involved, and usually not even then). Thankfully, I've seen few of these in recent months, but it used to happen all the time.

      Finally, I agree that it's best to have concrete tests, and as such making it illegal to forge identifying information in an e-mail could be useful. OTOH, a law that says, "You must include a valid, working unsubscribe address" doesn't really help much, does it? Surely anyone who's ever administered an e-mail system would advise against ever replying to any spam mail, so the law has just "legitimised" one of the spammers' favourite tactics for no benefit at all.

      --
      If you disagree, post your argument. (-1, Overrated) isn't your personal censorship tool for views you don't like.
  8. Wrong legal consequences. by Samuel+Duncan · · Score: 4, Interesting

    The main idea of the law is to stop non-compliant messages by imposing financial punishment on the spammers. And this won't work. It very easy to avoid such fines, e.g. declare that you don't have any money and then use the absense of local citizen registers to "vanish" from the radar of law enforcement.
    I think the real solution would be physical punishment. Just when the feds get their hands on the spammers then they can't avoid punishment. No more bad excuses. Of course, you won't do something imhumane like they do in Saudi-Arabia - cutting of fingers etc. You would just give them a decent spanking. And they would remember that. Furthermore this would be much cheaper than traditional punishment.

    --
    Over 90 years and counting !
    1. Re:Wrong legal consequences. by Pembers · · Score: 3, Funny

      Of course, you won't do something imhumane like they do in Saudi-Arabia - cutting of fingers etc.

      Why not? If you want to punish someone who makes a living from computers, I think that would be very fitting. Of course, there's always voice recognition... maybe we'd better cut their larynxes out as well... But then they could strap a stick to their forehead and tap the keys with that... Oh, fuck it, let's just chop the bastards' heads off and be done with it.

    2. Re:Wrong legal consequences. by gbjbaanb · · Score: 2, Funny

      You would just give them a decent spanking. And they would remember that. Furthermore this would be much cheaper than traditional punishment.

      Really? As I understand it, a decent spanking costs upwards of $200 per hour. How is that more cost-effective than a fine, and furthermore, that punishment would surely only *increase* the amount of a certain type of porn spam. :)

  9. "compliant" spam... by Doppleganger · · Score: 5, Interesting

    I actually received a spam the other day that claimed it was CAN SPAM compliant.

    It seems someone got the bright idea to take the portion of the law that specifies the primary purpose of an email literally. So the top part of the mail (proudly pointed out as the "primary purpose") was a short joke. Then the email went on to its "secondary purpose"...

    And at the bottom, of course, was a disclaimer that stated again which part was the "primary" purpose and which was the "secondary", just in case you hadn't noticed the big notices above.

    I'd love to see someone try to argue this point of view to a judge with a straight face...

    1. Re:"compliant" spam... by orthogonal · · Score: 3, Funny

      I'd love to see someone try to argue this point of view to a judge with a straight face...

      <voice ='Darl McBride'>Let me be the first to recommend David Boies; it's amazing the things he can argue with a straight face. For instance, did you know the GPL is unconstitutional?

      Oh, and that'll be $699.00 for the advice....</voice>

    2. Re:"compliant" spam... by DarkFencer · · Score: 2, Interesting

      The spam filter I run for large mail server recently contained a rule update that adds points to any message mentioning the CAN-SPAM law (or the H.R. Bill number of CAN-SPAM).

      If someone puts that in their message they are either a semi-legitimate spammer trying to comply with the law (but still a spammer), or a completely illegitimate spammer trying to give themselves some semblance of legality.

  10. And now what? by tacocat · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Now that we've pretty much proven the the current Congress is entirely incapable of doing squat for it's voting constituents (and worlds for their Special Interest, PACs, and Business/Corporate campaign contributors) I am wondering what will really happen next.

    This is pretty clear evidence that Congress doesn't really do a great job in protecting the interests of the voting public.

    It seems to me that these people have forgotten that while we live in an Economic system called a Capitalist system, we live in a Political system called a Democracy. They are not the same system and not the same functionally.

    Business has done an excellent job at protecting themselves at every turn under the banners of "Don't hurt the already ill economy" or "Free Trade, Capitalism forever" without any voices standing up for the basic rights of the voting public.

    I would have expected that the issues surrounding the Internet would have become more political by now, but I believe I assumed that more people would care about these things. Recently I have been approached by a number of people who honestly thought that the CAN-SPAM law was going to solve all their problems. They thought I was full of BS when I told them CAN-SPAM actually legalized spam. But then they never read it and I did.

    The reality is this: Congress will never really do anything to protect the private citizen unless there is some Corporation behind the initiative to either make money, or block their competition. I haven't really seen anything of late that would contradict this. Have you?

    1. Re:And now what? by DukeLinux · · Score: 4, Insightful

      I agree. Politicians can virtually take their votes for granted. The districts are so gerrymandered that it guarantees a select party will always take the seat. Also most people vote along party lines thinking that there is actually a difference. The rhetoric is different but the end result is the same: bigger government, higher taxes and less freedom. I vote against all incumbants. I do not favor any particular party and I try to understand the issues. Unfortunately, we are given little choice at the polls since things are so highly controlled. I would like to see some other countries come in and monitor our "free elections" for a change. They are a joke and so are we. As long as the peasants put up with the status quo then I guess we will get what we deserve. Perhaps when the American economy consists only of CEOs, Laywers and burger flippers people will get a clue...but I am not hopeful.

    2. Re:And now what? by pjrc · · Score: 3, Insightful
      Don't forget that voters also elected in a republican majority to both the house and senate, and floria fiasco aside (still nearly 50%) voted for a republican president.

      Now, you were saying something about congress passing an act that favors big business and "doesn't really do a great job in protecting the interests if the voting public"....

      It's pretty obvious that the voting public, faced with only two (viable) rather similar political parties, had chosen the one that clearly favors economic interests and opposes government regulation of business.

      CAN-SPAM certainly appears to be a failure at regulating spam, but to call it a failure of democracy would be to ignore the will of the majority of voters, who clearly elected a majority of republicans to both the house and senate, and who showed strong support for Bush 3.5 years ago (even if the result was a "toss up").

  11. Big EMAIL List by Nadsat · · Score: 4, Insightful

    Well, in the meantime, the US Government is getting a large email list. Can anyone guess how it will first be used? Elections? Non-Profit group?

  12. In other equally shocking news... by arvindn · · Score: 4, Funny

    SCO is not complying with the GPL ;^)

  13. CAN-SPAM - Forces in the Ground by leoaugust · · Score: 4, Funny

    The Onion Version of the CAN-SPAM

    Adapted from An Article on War Advisors on Yahoo

    Bush CAN-SPAM advisors: unfound Reductions in Spam (RIS)matter little - Perle & Frum Jan 09, 2004

    Two of President George W. Bush's CAN-SPAM advisors said that the US inability to find legal spam in cyberspace means little.

    "I don't think that you can draw any conclusion from the fact that the stockpiles of complaint spam were not found," Pentagon advisor Richard Perle said at the American Enterprise Institute.

    Perle said he did not fear that the United States would lose credibility after Bush used spammers supposed weapons of mass mailings of SEX-SPAM as his principal justification for going to war with spammers.

    "If others are going to take the view that, because these Reductions in Spam - aka RIS - weren't found, nothing that the United States says can be trusted -- there's not much we can do about that," he said. "It would be a foolish conclusion to draw."

    On Thursday, another Washington think-tank, the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace, said in a report that the US "administration officials systematically misrepresented the threat from Spam and SEX-SPAM."

    However, Perle said the war on cyberspace was justified: "I think that what was done was right and prudent."

    Perle appeared with Robert Frum, the former Bush speech writer who coined "Axis of Liberals." They were two of the hardline members of the administration who argued the need to Can Spam by CAN-SPAM.

    Perle and Frum's book, "An End to Evil," promotes the so-called neo-conservative use of military force to pacify the world including the cyberspace.

    They take aim at Saudi Arabia, US politicians, journalists and France -- all of whom they said stand in the way of Bush's "War on Terror."

    "What troubles us is a pretty persistent Open Relay Mail Servers policy of trying to weaken and marginalize the United States within cyberspace," Perle said.

    "All we ask from Spammers is that, in the construction of Spam as a political and commercial tool, spammers think of themselves as a partner with the United States in the protection of Western civilization. That's not a lot to ask."

    "Let me add, I think FSF runs the very great risk of becoming isolated."

    Frum, who left the White House in 2003, was as unswerving as Bush himself.

    "Sometimes the right answer, when a person has a grievance against you, is to say: 'You're completely mistaken; that grievance comes out of a completely wrong way of looking at the world and you're just going to have to get over it'," Frum said.

    We're not going to change."

    --
    To see a world in a grain of sand, and then to step back and see the beach where the sand lies ...
  14. CAN-SPAM!!! So they can spam by deadmongrel · · Score: 4, Insightful

    hey the act said they "CAN-SPAM" so they spammed. guess they are complient!. Seriously Law should be the first line of defence and shouldn't be the last one. enforcing a law internationally is very very difficult.I am not sure why this is even a news. I am sure this law is just a joke for most of the companies 'cause there would be loop holes which they can exploit.

    Even if they are complient there are spam anyway. I don't think it makes much of a difference.

  15. In Other News... by thrills33ker · · Score: 5, Funny

    - Pope found to be Catholic. - Scientists conclude sky is "blue". - Evidence found of bear defacating in woods.

  16. Internet Death Penalty by Graabein · · Score: 5, Interesting
    Anyone remember the USENET Death Penalty?

    Methinks we have to get a little more drastic in order to have any effect on spam. I mean, everything else seems to fail.

    Let's get extreme and start dropping packets from entire /24s from which spam is originating. In extreme cases, let's drop entire spam friendly ISPs. This is the only way to get rid of pink contracts, if all the customers of an ISP suddenly find that large parts of the Internet become unreachable to them.

    If an ISP finds itself dropped from routing tables and unable to reach most/all of the rest of the 'net, I have a feeling they will get tough on spam and on clueless customers with open relays/proxies real fast. They'll have to, or they'll be out of business.

    Yeah, I know this is extreme and drastic, but what else is there? SPF records won't be effective, laws don't do squat (a: because this is a global problem and b: because law enforcement haven't got the resources/motivation/whatever to enforce the laws anyway).

    I'm just getting so sick and tired of these antisocial scumbags ruining email for the rest of us.

    --
    And remember kids: Never trust a computer you can actually lift.
    1. Re:Internet Death Penalty by xlsior · · Score: 5, Interesting

      Let's get extreme and start dropping packets from entire /24s from which spam is originating

      Nice... Except you need to be *very* cautious about which /24's you're willing to drop, because part of the problem of spam these days is that is originates everywhere.Zombies, free trial accounts, hit-and-run dialup spammers, open relays, etc. Spam is something that affects every ISP these days, to greater or lesser extend.

      As soon as you start blocking AOL and Earthlink's IP blocks because of the high volume of spam you get from them, you will also lose customers by the droves because all of a sudden they can't receive mail from their grandma anymore.

      Don't get me wrong, I'm all for spam filtering, as well as hitting the spammers themselves where it hurts, but 'extreme blocking' will hurt you and your own customers more than it will hurt the spammer.

      Most spammers won't even see the rejections caused by your networks, since some other poor guy will be on the receiving end of all their bounces, and they truly won't care.

      I personally use SpamBayes (Free, open source) for my spam filtering, which does an unbelievably good job of detecting spam, with no false positives so far. Written in Python, runs on Windows as well as Linux. http://spambayes.sourceforge.net

    2. Re:Internet Death Penalty by dfeist · · Score: 2, Interesting

      That _is_ worse than spam itself. You may be annoyed by spam, but I find it worse if my mail gets dropped because of some overzealous anti-spam-measures. First time it happened to me was when the SMTP-server of my provider was blocked by some list. So what should I do? Abandon my e-mail address and hope that it won't happen again? Yeah, thanks.
      And now, it is not even possible to send mail from dialup addresses anymore - it is blocked. What happened to the beauty of the anarchistic system??? Mails not having "ASMTP" in the headers will now get blocked, too ... Soon we'll have whitelists?
      That could stil be acceptable if it yielded any results. But it didn't. As far as I can see, more than 90% of the spam I get would not be blocked by any of those blocklists.

      IP blocking is pointless. If you want less spam, use spamassassin or another decent and intelligent filter. I configured it very moderately (9 points to be marked as spam), it blocks 95% of all spam and I have not seen false positives yet.

      --
      Unix makes easy tasks hard and hard tasks possible. Windows makes easy tasks easy and hard tasks $29.95.
    3. Re:Internet Death Penalty by jellomizer · · Score: 2, Insightful

      Ok now the real problem is who is going to enforce it.
      You don't want one large company to make the decision for you because then they can just block all their competitors because they were "Spamming people" with their technical newsletters that they signed up for.
      Having the government control it could be seen as a form of censoring information, and besides the government will be really expensive and take for ever to get things done, "You call them up to tell them that you closed your open relays, they check it out (by opening the routing table checking it and then closing it) and go yep your all set your now running spam free please wait 4 to 6 weeks until your operational again.
      You don't want those little small companies/organizations like the ones who do blacklisting do it. Because if they don't like you they wont put it back up and these people will have to go threw hundreds or thousands of these little companies to start their network again.
      If you are to tough on "Spam Friendly ISP" which are often smaller ISP to may or may not like Spam and sell the guy bandwidth and go here is your internet connection we promise not to filter any of your date or monitor any of your information anything illegal you do is your responsibility not yours.

      My proposal is much more simpler. Most of the Spam (The Illegal Stuff especially) goes thew open relays (which are often operated by incompetent sysadmins or by people who don't know better), Now if you fine the relay $1000 a week for leaving wide open. Then most likely most people will close it. Now here is the good part $500 a week of the fine money goes to the person/organization who discovered the open relay. Now $1000 a week may not seem to much for those big corporation (but most of those have pretty tight systems) but for those small companies $1000 a week is a good chunk of cash but not normally enough to put them out of business, but they would be happy to put the extra time and/or money to fix the problem to avoid the expenses. Now with a lot of the relays closed and the people who are fining them have extra cash in their pockets. There is a lot less illegal spam and the spam that does go threw will be much more manageable (because the routing to the abuser is far more visible and more easily enforced.

      --
      If something is so important that you feel the need to post it on the internet... It probably isn't that important.
    4. Re:Internet Death Penalty by LiquidCoooled · · Score: 2, Informative

      SPF records CAN work - consider if the majority of ISPs in your own country start using them. 99% of your email comes from your own friends and family within the country, and would be catered for. The rouge ISPs that DONT publish the records can all go to hell as long as my friends can contact me.

      I realise that for certain public addresses SPF wont work, since the idea is to hear from unknown customers no matter where they are, but for the normal user it should cut down on a greater majority of it.

      --
      liqbase :: faster than paper
    5. Re:Internet Death Penalty by owlstead · · Score: 2, Insightful

      Yup, my ISP has actually gone to court to stop spammers (they won, hear hear). They scan for open relays on their clients hosts and they block the smtp port by default (you can switch that off though). Still they appear on blocklists now and then.

      If extreme blocking would just be hitting the innocent I am all for it. But we must make pretty sure that the scheme is actually doing this. A lot of guys are hosting pretty usefull mailinglists on this ISP's accounts. We don't want to loose those against the fight against spammers.

  17. Rule #1 - Spammers Lie by csk_1975 · · Score: 3, Interesting

    Of the 1452 spam I received in my 3 accounts this weekend there are 157 references mentioning compliance with the Can-Spam act. Twenty of these said that they complied by including a valid reply address, a valid postal address and a working removal mechanism. The only one which actually met all of these criteria was from hurricane-map.com sent to an administrative address - 69.6.58.0/23 is blocked to everything else but to this address :-(.

    So Scott Richter, one of the most infamous spammers on the planet, doesn't seem to be complying with Rule #1, what is the world coming to?

  18. CAN-SPAM's already making things worse, not better by Maestro4k · · Score: 4, Interesting
    Starting shortly after 12/16 when the bill was signed the amount of spam I received on an older account roughly doubled. I wasn't too surprised, figured a few spammers were desperately trying to send out as much spam as possible before 1/1.

    Well, after 1/1 the amount of spam I receive on that account went up again. Right now it's about triple the amount before 12/16, and quickly pushing on four times it. I'm also seeing more efforts at E-mail guessing (sending E-mails to every possible combination of account names at a given host). These are pretty obvious when they show up on an account that's never been used, and has never (and still isn't) listed anywhere on the Internet (or otherwise).

    From where I'm sitting, looks like the spammers are having a field day, and the only thing that's changed is the problem got worse. Thanks congress, remind me to vote against all incumbents next election.

  19. No kidding, violation logs from today... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Informative
    As I understand it, CAN-SPAM makes it illegal to use open proxies to relay messages. We run a proxy scanner on every email that comes into our server, through an exim pipe. Any sending host which is an open proxy on a common port is reported to us via IRC. The following IRC log can be explained one of three ways:
    [01:02] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 82.138.193.50 (host1.greenwichtraining.adsl.telecomplete.net)
    [ 01:05] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 200.95.36.167 (dsl-200-95-36-167.prod-infinitum.com.mx)
    [01:08] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 200.45.247.170 (host247170.arnet.net.ar)
    [01:41] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 200.90.212.26 (26-212-90.adsl.terra.cl)
    [01:41] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 200.95.74.41 (dsl-200-95-74-41.prod-infinitum.com.mx)
    [01:59] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 218.75.131.4 (218.75.131.4)
    [02:10] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 194.2.149.201 (194.2.149.201)
    [02:18] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 61.233.205.110 (61.233.205.110)
    [02:29] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 200.84.79.92 (dC8544F5C.dslam-03-24-3-02-01-01.rmg.dsl.cantv.ne t)
    [02:37] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 81.134.29.16 (host81-134-29-16.in-addr.btopenworld.com)
    [02:55 ] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 200.43.19.71 (dsl-200-43-19-71.users.telpin.com.ar)
    [02:57] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 200.225.210.173 (iplus-ura-225-210-173.xdsl-fixo.ctbcnetsuper.com. br)
    [03:07] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 200.42.43.63 (200-42-43-63.dsl.prima.net.ar)
    [03:27] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 62.236.142.192 (62-236-142-192.hpna.wlannet.com)
    [04:50] <SpamBot> SpamTrap found a proxy! 81.225.52.204 (h204n5c1o1044.bredband.skanova.com)
    [Note: rogue spaces in the timestamps were inserted by Slashdot.]

    1) USA-based spammers don't give a shit about the new law

    2) Overseas-based spammers have increased exponentially

    3) USA-based spammers are offshoring just like every other IT industry

    Will we soon be inundated with reports of Bangalore being the spam capitol of the world? After all, they aren't subject to the jurisdiction of USA-based spam laws. Forget offshoring your tech support, now you can offshore your spamming operations and be in total compliance with the law...
  20. Re:No, you got it all wrong... by fjin · · Score: 5, Informative
    You haven't heard before about:

    Spamassassin
    SpamAssassin(tm) is a mail filter to identify spam.
    Using its rule base, it uses a wide range of heuristic tests on mail headers and body text to identify "spam", also known as unsolicited commercial email.

    and Razor
    What is Vipul's Razor?
    Vipul's Razor is a distributed, collaborative, spam detection and filtering network. Through user contribution, Razor establishes a distributed and constantly updating catalogue of spam in propagation that is consulted by email clients to filter out known spam. Detection is done with statistical and randomized signatures that efficiently spot mutating spam content. User input is validated through reputation assignments based on consensus on report and revoke assertions which in turn is used for computing confidence values associated with individual signatures.

  21. In other news... by haxor.dk · · Score: 3, Funny

    A new study suggests that dictators are shown to be significantly more brutal than democratically elected officials, and big businesses usually fuck the consumer more over than small businesses.

    What a fucking surprise!

    (please excuse the irony).

  22. prediction by VanillaCoke420 · · Score: 3, Funny

    Now when we've had spammers that doesn't care about anti-spam laws, I guess that we'll have greedy lawyers and lying politicians any day now...

  23. Re:Welcome to 2001 by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 3, Interesting

    Yup. SPEWS is what happens when spam drives people into an insanity like the one the original poster is on the verge of. Dropping entire blocks results in 'collateral damage' (non-offenders getting blocked) and there's no real rationalization (though many or offered by the likes of SPEWS) that can justify that. No, not even 'well the innocent victims can crusade against the ip provider and serve our just cause in effecting change'. Get real. When it happened to me I just switched to an ip on a different block for the mail server. I say SPEWS can go fuck themselves. And I think that's a pretty common reaction for non-spammers who suffer from them. In the end they defeat themselves by making enemies not only of spammers, but everyone who hasn't quite lost their sanity. Granted, sanity can be hard to hang onto sometimes when considering the spam problem, but it's worth making the effort in the long run.

  24. Headline News by Jonathan+Quince · · Score: 2, Funny
    • Politicians Lie, Cheat, Break Campaign Promises
    • Violence in Middle East
    • Slashdotter Criticizes Microsoft
    • Dog Bites Man
    • CAN-SPAM Does Nothing To Reduce Spam, Study Finds
    --
    Microsoft Windows is, fittingly, the official Desktop OS of Olig
  25. Silly Fools.... by Gorillaka · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Analogy: Certain groups are upset with the amount of rugby being played over in Austailia. So they lobby congress and have a bill passed against it. But wait! They're still playing rugby in Austrailia.. what happened, we passed laws against it!?

    Most of the spam does NOT come from the US. It's retarded to assume that these spammers all over the world are expected to change their core business model because the US passes some law.

    "But wait, I know that a lot of the ringleaders behind all this MUST be in the US". Sure.. but the reason they can hide themselves so well is because they're breaking a dozen other more serious laws in the process of sending out their crap. CANSPAM is seriously the least of their worries.

    The spam situation in the world right now is one of those things we'll tell our grandchildren about some day.. as someone growing up under globalization will laugh at the 'crazy' notion that two individuals on the same internet weren't governed by the exact same set of laws.

    So anyway, until full globalization is upon us (hey.. I guess the one perk is that it'll cut down on spam), your best bet is to upgrade your filters and use Shadango.com. In case any of you haven't heard yet, Shadango allows you to check all of your accounts from one interface (imap, pop, aol, y!, hotmail, etc), PLUS if filters ALL of them for you in real time. I seriously did not believe it worked until I tried it.. I've actually had the first spam-free week since the mid 90s. Check it out.. it works.

    That's my two cents

    Kevin

    1. Re:Silly Fools.... by Brainiac252 · · Score: 2, Informative

      Yo, I was involved in the alpha testing of shadango awhile ago. When I signed up I used the word "alpha10" in the promotional code box. It got me a paid tester account...i think it might still work. Plus, they recently started filtering POP accounts so now the amt of spam I get on my hotmail has dropped considerably. From my experience Shadango is definitely worth the try. Ian Welsh

    2. Re:Silly Fools.... by arkhan_jg · · Score: 4, Insightful
      Moust of the spam does NOT come from the US. It's retarded to assume that these spammers all over the world are expected to change their core business model because the US passes some law.

      I think you are incorrect in this assumption. spamhaus shows that, of the 200 or so top spammers (that create 90% of the spam) almost all are american or canadian based. They are also invariably advertising US goods and websites, priced in US dollars, from US-based companies, with the one exception of nigerian scammers. If America can get it's house in order, then the world spam problem will be massively reduced.

      Admittedly, much of the spam is bounced off asian proxies, or trojaned windows boxes; but that just shows that american and european ISP's crackdown on open relays and spammers is having at least some effect.

      What NEEDS to happen is
      a) much greater action by american law enforcement for fraud by the sellers and spammers, along with prosecution of the other major offenses.
      b) laws specifically drafted to make spam illegal, unless opt-in, with heavy penalties and again, strong enforcement.

      Client side spam filters are a sticking-plaster on an amputated limb. They help filter your own mail, at the risk of false positives (which are increasing, given the increasing attempts by spammers to make their mail pass baynesian filters). They do nothing to reduce the massive load on the infrastructure caused by spammers.

      Currently, this is a US problem that is affecting the world.

      --
      Remember kids, it's all fun and games until someone commits wholesale galactic genocide.
    3. Re:Silly Fools.... by soothsayer491 · · Score: 3, Interesting

      Very good point.. but you did leave out one of the 'up and coming' spam launching points -- zombie computers.

      I recently upgraded a few networks at a local school, and noticed two very sluggish machines. They were the same build as the rest of them, but seemed to be working pretty hard even when they were just sitting there unused. I suspected a problem, so I isolated them and scanned their hard drives. I found a virus -- nothing unusual there (it is a public school) -- but I also found that they were firing off spam as fast as they could work. No mass email program had been installed, but it was working through a backdoor that the virus had opened.
      Very good point.. but you did leave out one of the 'up and coming' spam launching points -- zombie computers.

      I recently upgraded a few networks at a local school, and noticed two very sluggish machines. They were the same build as the rest of them, but seemed to be working pretty hard even when they were just sitting there unused. I suspected a problem, so I isolated them and scanned their hard drives. I found a virus -- nothing unusual there (it is a public school) -- but I also found that they were firing off spam as fast as they could work. No mass email program had been installed, but it was working through a backdoor that the virus had opened.

      I've heard about this happening in the past, but I'd never witnessed it first hand. I was alone in the room, and it kinda sends chills down your spine to realize that somebody else in the world is also using that machine, and that they'll notice when you turn it off. I mean, I'm sure he had a million others.. but still.. creepy.

      I wanted to delve into the problem further -- to see how he was controlling them, and from where -- but alas, I was running short on time as it is. Also, an individual like this obviously has 0 morals anyway.. I'd hate for him to find out I was the one who shut down some of his handywork.

      Anyone else had experience like this?

    4. Re:Silly Fools.... by Hanno · · Score: 4, Interesting

      Most of the spam does NOT come from the US.

      It DOES. It's only RELAYED through foreign computers.

      Professional American spammers set up boxes and rape relays outside of the US to avoid being linked with the originating IP of their spam.

      Some of the best known spammers are known to have hired servers at Asian and Third World providers. And then there are the current waves of mail viruses that turn the victims' computers into spam relays, also with the primary intention of setting up a network of spam relays to hide the spam's origin.

      But most of the professional spammers DO operate from Northern America. Look up the listings on Spamhaus.

      (And yes, we in Europe have the same problem. There is a Swiss professional spammer who has set up his computers in South America and a German spam gang using computers in Holland and Eastern Europe. It's easy to hide your tracks that way. But the spam DOES originate in Switzerland and Germany, it's only RELAYED through other countries.)

      --

      ------------------
      You may like my a cappella music
    5. Re:Silly Fools.... by Hanno · · Score: 3, Interesting

      most spam does not come from the US!! Seriously. And the rest of the world can give a sh*t about the laws we pass. [..] Our laws will have no affect on the big fish.

      The big fish are Americans.

      --

      ------------------
      You may like my a cappella music
    6. Re:Silly Fools.... by jez9999 · · Score: 2, Funny

      here's a summary from the crap I submitted to spamcop this morning.. ".il, .it, .fr, .pi". Hmmmm... I don't even know what backwards country those tlds are from

      Israel, Italy, France. Yup, really backward countries, I can see! :-)

      As for .pi, it doesn't appear to exist. Maybe you got an e-mail from a particularly overzealous mathematician.

  26. Is the solution already in the pipeline? by Tau+Zero · · Score: 2, Interesting
    As soon as you start blocking AOL and Earthlink's IP blocks because of the high volume of spam you get from them...
    If AOL and Earthlink implement SPF correctly, and also throttle outgoing mail to prevent use by spammers (say, 1 message per minute), wouldn't that effectively make them useless to spammers without affecting grandma in the least?
    --
    Time is Nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once... the bitch.
  27. Reminds me of the so-called 'do not call' list by filtersweep · · Score: 2, Interesting

    I berated a 'sales consultant' that definitely sounded more like a telemarketer, although he claimed it was a 'courtesy call.' When I mentioned that I was on a do-not-call list (I don't know if there is a federal one that has any teeth yet, but we do have a state list) he claimed that they were exempt because "we" had a 'prior business arrangement.' His reponse sounded very scripted, meaning they had anticipated curmudgeons such as myself protesting. This prior business arrangement was dubiously linked to a warranty card I had filled out for some product made by a subsidiary company.

    There will be all sorts of loop-holes... and all the caveats attached to the emails will take up even more bandwidth- just as arguing with a telemarketer about a calling list wastes even more time.

    The pathetic aspect of all this is someone somewhere is making money on it, or it would not exist-

    --


    Those that suggest you "dance like no one is watching" really want to see you make a complete fool of yourself.
    1. Re:Reminds me of the so-called 'do not call' list by /dev/trash · · Score: 2, Insightful

      Yeah the "Prior business arrangment" part needs clarified but the more important question is why did you fill out and return the warranty card in the first place?

  28. source and blocks by midgley · · Score: 2, Insightful

    Much of the spam I get appears to come from the US, but clearly the spammers can buy hosting in other areas as life is made harder for them in the US.

    What is as relevant is that no legitimate email comes to me from (for instance) the Chinas, and little from the rest of Asia, whereas there are people I want to hear from in the US.

    So I can easily block large IP ranges but I cannot easily do that against the US spammers.

  29. This idea is stupid by keeboo · · Score: 2, Insightful

    Let's get extreme and start dropping packets from entire /24s from which spam is originating. In extreme cases, let's drop entire spam friendly ISPs.
    This is the only way to get rid of pink contracts, if all the customers of an ISP suddenly find that large parts of the Internet become unreachable to them.


    Righ... Let's say you get some SPAM from an ISP in Argentina (200.x.x.x) - "oh, let's block the entire /24".
    Great idea, now not only you blocked the whole country, but almost the entire South America.

    Unfortunately the IP gluttony in the Northen Hemisphere didn't leave much IPs left to the "3rd World". -- Thus, you can't treat the networks here as if you were in the Asia or Europe.

    1. Re:This idea is stupid by abreauj · · Score: 2, Informative
      Righ... Let's say you get some SPAM from an ISP in Argentina (200.x.x.x) - "oh, let's block the entire /24". Great idea, now not only you blocked the whole country, but almost the entire South America.

      I don't believe the entire South American continent shares a single IP range containing only 254 useable addresses.

      What you describe here, 200.x.x.x, is a /8, not a /24. A /24 might be something like 200.47.218.x

  30. Spam vs. TV commercials by Anonymous+Brave+Guy · · Score: 2, Insightful
    Do you cry because television stations have commercials without asking for your consent?

    No, but then it doesn't cost me money to download commercials, the commercials go towards supporting the programmes I actually want to watch, commercials provide a useful break during longer programmes, and it takes me no effort to ignore a commercial without them building up until my TV no longer shows me programmes any more.

    --
    If you disagree, post your argument. (-1, Overrated) isn't your personal censorship tool for views you don't like.
  31. Re:No, you got it all wrong... by ahknight · · Score: 3, Insightful

    What is Vipul's Razor?

    It compares your mail to everyone else's spam to see if it's spam, too.

    (Was that so hard?)

  32. International law... by rotciv86 · · Score: 2, Insightful

    How can we enforce spam laws on companies based offshore?

    --


    My ghEtt0 webpage.
  33. how 'bout the "U CAN SPAM" act? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Insightful

    "You CAN indeed SPAM" is probably what the authors intended.

  34. Most spammers ARE from the US by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Insightful


    get your head out the sand, blind patriot
    http://www.spamhaus.org/rokso/index.lasso

  35. They don't bust spammers for fraud, either by swb · · Score: 3, Informative

    So why should they bust them for violating the spam law? The government has totally ignored the absolutely fraudulent nature of spamvertised products, despite the fact that the money trail is easier to follow than the email trail.

    I suspect there will be political pressure to "bust" a couple of spammers, and they probably will nail a couple of small-timers and will trumpet it as a success, saying something like "Mr. Spam King sent over one million spam messages" -- the same bogus logic used in drug busts, when they value the drugs based on their smallest-possible-street-transaction value instead of the likely wholesale value.

    Part of the reason I think there will be little enforcement, at least from the Bush administration, is that I've read that mainstream businesses are actually profiting from spam indirectly by selling customer lists that include email addresses. They don't sell directly to spammers, but they filter through direct marketers who ultimately DO sell to spammers.

  36. OK..What Would You Do? by reallocate · · Score: 3, Insightful

    >> An anti-spam law ought to ensure that people do not receive spam.

    How would you propose doing that? Making something illegal doesn't make it go away. One might as well argue that "an anti-murder law ought to ensure that people do not commit murder."

    Fine or arrest everyone who creates spam? OK. What's your definition of spam?

    Mandate changes to SMTP? OK, but the cost of implementing the changes will be paid by you and me.

    Mandate some kind of magic spam blocking code in all operating systems and mail programs? OK, but if legislation can compel you to use one kind of software, it can compel you not to use another.

    No one likes spam. But, stompinmg your feet and decaliming that someone ought to make it go away isn't especially useful.

    --
    -- Slashdot: When Public Access TV Says "No"
  37. Cut the purse strings. by rotciv86 · · Score: 2, Insightful

    The spammers must be making money from sending all this spam, how many people actually click through and order the junk being peddled? I imagine if nobody ordered anything from spammers there'd end up being no profit and no reason to spam.

    --


    My ghEtt0 webpage.
  38. Mad libs! by GQuon · · Score: 2, Informative

    Recently. spammers have been trying to train spam traps with random words. It's alsmost like seing the words put into a mad libs exercise.
    Will this confuse filters like spamassassin?

    P.S. One of the more interresting ones I got follows. What is an appellant hazelnut? And can diseases be exorcised?

    insinuate guilty overture aegean mcelroy
    emery niggardly bobbin briggs pushout creed quizzes return accomplish
    explanatory cofactor frances melissa
    biharmonic his milieu alphabet groom septate appellant hazelnut diphtheria exorcise

    --
    Irene KHAAAAAAN!
  39. Here's your fire... by $ASANY · · Score: 2, Informative
    For those sites that make money from collecting information from spam victims, there is a way to fight back: check out Web Form Flooder at http://formflood.sourceforge.net

    It's still beta, but I'm unaware of any other tools that allow you to strike back at a spammer. With it you can crapflood a spammer's database, and possibly render it economically useless. So if you're pissed at the hundredth mortgage quote solicitation, fire it up and get just a little bit of revenge.

  40. SPAM Isn't the problem.... by The+Bandit · · Score: 2, Insightful

    What's the problem is the fact that it is assumed that I wanted to be opt-in'ed. Who decided for me that I WANTED all the spam. If the government would simply make it into law for spammers and telemarketers that they assume I'm not already opt'ed in, the things would be better. Make the people that contact us PROVE that we signed up for their crap.

  41. 1000 spams in a week? by kindbud · · Score: 2, Informative

    The mail servers I run for my employer reject 400 spams every minute. Those are the ones with SpamAssassin scores greater than 10. 1000 spams in a week is a very small amount. They should be grateful. ;)

    --
    Edith Keeler Must Die
  42. Re:Block me and I will sue you by mousse-man · · Score: 2, Insightful

    The problem is plain simple.

    1. ISP has spammers. They spam. They annoy people and start costing people and companies money (yes, it costs money to filter that junk and to install the filters). ISP doesn't do squat about solving the problem, and when finally, the spammer just moves on. The ISP has no incentive to clean up the mess.

    2. Users get annoyed. Badly annoyed. They want to stop spammers right now.

    3. Users create a blacklist of IP spaces that should be avoided like hell.

    4. Users start using blacklists. Amongst these users, there are a few providers. The providers chose to use the blacklist, not the user, and not the person who provides the blacklist. In effect, the blacklist is a free expressions of sections of the internet that degenerated into into the digital equivalent of sewers.

    5. Providers get complains of people like you since lots of mail get bounced. Providers finds out that he harbors at least one spammer. Provider gets onto his feet, boots spammers from his IP space, blacklists go away after a few days/weeks.Else, provider loses customers to other providers which did something about spam and all who remain are even more comitted to spamming. There's an option now that the provider might survive on pink contracts alone, but that's not very probable.

    Actually, I have an idea: Anybody who wants everybody else to stop using blacklists should be member of a special club that immediately pays every expense incurred by providers and companies to fight spam, without any legal recourse if you get a 1 Million US-$ bill for this fund.

    Until then, stop whining and look for providers that aren't featured on blacklists.

    This explicitely includes SpewSpew.net.

  43. Re:If it's so spam friendly, by Halo1 · · Score: 3, Informative
    Stop being stupid and blocking IPs. It's counterproductive. You're throwing napalm on an ant hill and most of the time, the ant you're going after has already moved somewhere else.
    If that were the case, almost nobody would use blacklists.
    It should be a punishable offense for such idiots who block legitimate IP from sending e-mails.
    The recipient has full rights to determine for himself who is legitimised to send him mail.
    If a company is using an ISP that happened to get a spammer onboard and the company ends up being blacklisted and losing business, the makers of the blacklist should rightfully be sued for lost business and denial of services.
    Blacklists don't block anyone's mail. Its users do, and those users have the full rights to decide who gets to make use of their property or the services they pay for.
    Imaine if a citizen set up a road block on a highway just because they heard criminals used it.
    Blacklists merely advise you to avoid a highway. They can not and do not block anything.
    I'd like to see lawsuits start being brought against blacklist runners and won. Their method is in many cases as reported on slashdot but not called as such, criminal.
    Voicing an opinion is actually one of the rights protected in pretty much every constitution around the world.
    --
    Donate free food here
  44. CAN-SPAM is not weak by crucini · · Score: 2, Interesting

    Did you read the law? It does not say it's OK to spam. It bans the vast majority of spam and prescribes harsh penalties. It allows up to one year imprisonment for sending spam with false headers, which is pretty much all the spam I get. Without false headers, spam becomes impractical for lots of reasons.
    And what is your basis for claiming that there is no enforcement? The Justice Department doesn't usually publicize investigations until they're over. It will take months for investigators to start tracking down spammers and building solid cases against them.

    This is a good, strong, well-designed law. For some reason the groupthink on slashdot claims it is "weak". I'd urge everyone to actually read the law before commenting on it.

    1. Re:CAN-SPAM is not weak by anthony_dipierro · · Score: 3, Insightful

      I have read the law. It's full of loopholes. Yes, the vast majority of current spam is probably covered by it, but it's quite easy for spammers to adapt to the law to comply with it. That is, if it is actually enforced, which I tend to believe it won't be. There's just far too much spam and spammers cover their tracks far too well for the government to enforce any anti-spam law.

    2. Re:CAN-SPAM is not weak by geminidomino · · Score: 2, Interesting

      Have YOU read the law? It does NOT make spamming illegal, it makes forging headers illegal, it makes deceptive subjects illegal, it OVERRIDES state laws that were stronger, it REMOVES the individual right to private action, and you sure as hell know they aren't going to actually ENFORCE the law. I've seen 5-week-old infants with more teeth than this law.

      Either you really don't have a clue, you haven't read the law, or you're a spammer/DMA shill.

  45. Re:Block me and I will sue you by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Insightful

    If you blacklist my IP you've just stolen money from me.

    The recipient does the blocking, not the list(s) they voluntarily use to facilitate and automate it. It's not your IP, if your provider's space is being listed. The internet is a large, cooperative pool of privately owned and operated networks. If entity A chooses not to receive email/packets/whatever from entity B, it's their choice. Suing a blocklist is literally shooting the messenger.

    These braindead blacklist runners (such as yourself who thinks dropping IP ranges is a good idea) have probably pissed off enough people by now to start a decent sized class action lawsuit.

    Cartooneys are subject to automatic listing on many blocklists. As Nike put it - Just Do It!

    It doesn't work. It's counterproductive. And you're inviting lawsuits from your "collateral damage" and frankly I'd like to see some go to court.

    Of course it works. You are here whining, aren't you? At the wrong people, might I add.

    ISPs don't need to answer to blacklists. They do not define the law. ISP's who happen to get a spammer on board have committed no criminal act. If you blacklist them, they have every legal right to sue you for everything you own.

    Of course ISPs don't answer to blacklists. But blacklists answer to their users; those that choose not to receive email from networks the blocklist operators choose to list. If they do so irresponsibly, their users will stop using them (goes for ISP vs blocklist(s) they use AND ISP vs its users).

    Regarding legal threats and cartooneyism, do as the spammers do - outsource the blocklists, and perhaps devise a different delivery mechanism, less prone to lawsuits and DDoS attacks. Zone files have even been posted to Yahoo! groups.

    ps. I am not affiliated with any such blocklist

  46. Totally unenforcable. by Chmcginn · · Score: 2, Insightful
    the only way to stop spam is with a HEFTY FINE to the company whose goods were advertised.

    Sure, that's a great idea... until company A starts sending out spam advertising company B's products, having been paid by company C (B's competition)...

    --
    Have you been touched by his noodly appendage?