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Curse Your Way to Live Support
EtherMonkey writes "Wired is reporting on new software developed at University of Southern California's Speech Analysis and Interpretation Laboratory. Researchers there have come up with working code to detect the frustration and anger level of callers working their way through automated attendant phone systems."The system works by analyzing not only what callers say, but also how they say it. Callers get transferred if they start to spit out expletives or if they simply sound angry.""
If this were used at Microsoft, would this mean that the automated system would never be used?
Why do I foresee an increase of callers with Tourrettes?
(auto attendant)Thank you for calling XYZ corp. For support, press
(customer) FUCK SHIT DAMN HELL BITCH!!!
(auto attendant) Transferring to an attendant. Thanks for calling XYZ Corp.
(customer) SCHWEET.
Sent from your iPad.
So instead of dialing 0, I'll just say shit over and over and try to sound as mad as possible.
I wonder if the system could be programmed to forward to Darl's extension if I were to say the words litigious bastards?
Why do i get the feeling that when Howard Dean needs tech support on this system, he'll be put through in 0.05 seconds :)
Can they make the software interface with the wife/gf? When I swear, she offers premium support!
When someone finally gets through to a real person after cursing their way through the system, it will probably be Helga from the old Kremlin Customer Support. She take care of you!
Wouldn't transferring people based on their anger level just make them more annoyed? "I'm sorry, you've sworn too much- I'm transferring you now to our new 'ultra-swearing system'" (insert a series of expletives here from angry customer) "Error- $SwearNum overflow...press Ctrl-ALt-Del on your phone to restart system"
Now when all the operators are "currently busy" helping other customers and I'm still stuck yelling at a machine, I'll know it's because the Adrew Dice Clay's of the world have priority over be due to their mouths.
"The best laid plans of mice and men gang oft agley..." - ROBERT BURNS
I prefer to press "0" at the automated phone tree, and save the outbursts of profanity for the morons who tell me they can't help me with my billing problem.
I am sure the people who sell search engine how-tos will be churning out scripts for customers to properly ramp up their anger.
If service agent says "blah blah blah" you respond "yada yada yada" for 10 anger management points but pause for 3 seconds during your statement to ensure that you anger velocity quotient does not exceed 50 fcks/min
I make my face look like this and concerned words come out.
The automated attendant at Dell:
Thank you for calling Dell's Customer Support Line. If you're experiencing a frustrating issue, please drop the F-bomb now..
Word processors have destroyed my ability to spell. So now call centers will destroy my ability to speak without profanity, right? Wait... working in software has already done that. :)
Fuck That. Be Nice Bitch.
For account assistance, press or say ONE
If you know your party's extension, press or say TWO
For a staff directory, press or say THREE
To speak with an operator, press FOUR or say "SHIT SHIT ASS DAMN"
To repeat this menu press *
Slashdot Syndrome: the sudden, extreme urge to correct someone in order to validate one's self.
Yes, Lord Vader, right away Sir...
Thanks for calling ABC Corp, how may...
Porcupine balls!
Transferring your call now...
(muttering) Stupid computer...
Hi, this is Mike at the Internet Help Desk, how can I help you?
I think I accidentally deleted my link to your Internet. Can I get it back?
Holy crap! We have our own Internet? Why wasn't I made aware of this?! Well, restoring your link shouldn't be a problem, unless you happen to be a rhesus monkey suffering from simian hemmorhagic fever. Does this fit your description, little man?
Uhhh....
I guess it does! Now, here's how you fix your stupid problem...
--Chag
Once I was calling my bank, phoning somethig like the 5th number. Ring Ring ... hold music, voicing my frustration I say "You Bastards". unfortunately that was the very second they put me through. I hear a yorkshire accent (alliance + leicester, northern bank) stutter at the other end "W-W-W-W What did you just call me!?". Fortunately when I explained I was swearing at the machine and not him, he took it in good humour. Good thing too, wonder what he could have done to my credit rating.
Fantastic! Lets deal with angry customers by rewarding the ones who are openly abusive, and therefore punishing those who are patient and calm.
The people working in the call centres are really going to thank them for that.
(auto attendant)Thank you for calling XYZ corp. For support, press
(customer) BARBARA STRIESAND!!!
(auto attendant) Transferring to an attendant. Thanks for calling XYZ Corp.
Anger Powered Cars
Let me get this straight, you have to try to sound mad????
Man, who provides your support, I want them!!!
Ex: 3 minutes of blather and advertising before the menu, option you want isn't apparent so you spend 10 minutes jumping around and going through the blather and ads again, you finally seem to find where you mean to be and wait 20 minutes listening to elevator music which soulnds like it is played through a broken kazoo, you finally get a voice and either it's a recording telling you they are now closed (please call back during the hours you are at work and can't call them) or you do get a human who informs you that this is the wrong department and transfers you to another queue.
It's not all as bad as that, but if I were telekinetic there would be companies who would find their own equipment exploding in a shower of sparks and a few executives who would spontaneously fill their shorts (loudly) at the most inopportune times.
Hmm... Inspiration.
You hear a tinny voice say, "worst customer service, ever!"
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
if (profanity == "fsck")
// Nerd with unsolvable Lunix problem, probably
// complaining that Winmodem doesn't work with
// self-compiled kernel. Will rant at you for
// not releasing source to driver.
{
customer.type = 5;
hangup();
}
What I'm listening to now on Pandora...
User: Hi, we'll be calling tech support today, I'm having difficulty with my internet.
Operator: Dialing now, just a moment.
User: Thanks.
Operator: Automated menu, 1 for customer support, 2 for accounting, 3 for collections
User: SHIT! SHIT WHORE!
Operator: Sorry?
User: Say that. It'll transfer you faster.
Operator: If I say that, my boss will transfer me faster.
User: Seriously, just swear at it.
Operator: No.
User: C'mon, if you don't we'll both be on hold forever.
Operator: I'm not going to swear at it.
User: Say, what are you wearing?
Operator: What?!
User: That's the spirit, let's continue. Gimme a good 'ASSFACE BUTTLICKER' so we can get to a tech.
Operator: There's something wrong with you.
User: Are you making fun of me because I'm deaf?
Operator: What? No, not at all.
User: You are, aren't you?
Operator: No, I didn't mean it that way.
User: Like I don't get enough crap from everyone else, now I'm being mocked by a bloody TDD operator.
Operator: Sir, I didn't mean it that way, I swear.
User: I'll forgive you if you say "PIECE OF SHIT, HURRY UP"
Operator: Dammit, no, I'm not gonna.. oh, it's transferring me.
User: What did you say?
Operator: Nevermind.
- billn
well, when i'm trying to get past the tier 1 support guy by saying "yes, i rebooted", "yes i reinstalled windows" (on my linux box), "yes i reformatted my hard drive and made sacrifice to the gods of cable connectivity", even though i haven't and i know its a problem on their end, i don't want them to know i'm lying...
this is just a placeholder till i send back my real sig from the future.
Now it's all about Janet's tit.
the preceding comment is my own and in no way reflects the opinion of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
This is harsh, unfair, and based on a quite unwarranted British stereotype (although I can provide personal anecdotal evidence). That said, here goes...
If irony detection isn't a standard feature even in most Americans, how the heck are they going to build machines capable of it?
Wife: Did you call your ISP about why they've suspended your service?
Husband: I tried to call, baby, but I couldn't swear harshly or angrily enough...
Wife: Don't worry, hun, I'll tell the kids to call them in the morning.
...I am proof that intelligent beings are not always intelligent...
When do I get the system that transfers me to somebody who speaks English as a first language when it detects me getting frustrated with the outsourced tech support person I can barely understand, who needs me to spell basic words for them, and who gives me the wrong RMA number because they can't pronounce "four"?
I'm not angry or bitter, just frustrated.
(click)
"FBI, are you aware of what you said?"
"Ah, I just wanted my DSL to work, and they said to wait three weeks."
"You threatened to blow the place. That's a violation of federal law."
"I was just upset."
"You know that Mr. Ashcroft will do anything to protect the assets of those who invest in the United States"
"But, why should I have to wait three weeks for service."
"Sloppy service does not give you the right to threaten American investors.."
whir of sirens...
This is my sig.
What I would like to see is a way to route my calls to someone who actually speaks English as a FIRST language.
Ron Gage - Westland, MI
Seems to me like they're doing this backwards. If I was the receptionist, I'd be taking the calm callers and transferring the pissed off ones to the automated support system.
If it was say, Dell, they coudl give the angry Tourrettes suffers and Indian rep to speak to and the patient ones can speak to an American.
Just a Tuna in the Sea of Life
Can you hear me now, motherfucker???
It would be a terrible course of action in any sight what so ever.. You wouldn't wait outside of your hardware store and hit people in the face with hammers until they beat the tar out of you and then invite them in too shop... Good Day
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As if live support wasn't already rare enough.
Who's going to want to work as a customer support rep after this?
SUPPORT: Hello, you've reached XYZ, how can I help you?
CUSTOMER: FUCK OFF AND DIE YOU STUPID CUNT! EAT MY SHIT!
SUPPORT: Excuse me?!
CUSOMTER: What? Oh.. oh geeze, sorry.. I thought you were a machine.
That Jesus Christ guy is getting some terrible lag... it took him 3 days to respawn! -NJ CoolBreeze
Transfer to live agent when it detects a gunshot - either at the reciever or self inflicted at the customer's head.
Eat at Joe's.
When I was doing tech support, I was told that whenever a customer swore at me, I was to reply, "Sir (or Ma'am), please call back when you can control your language," and hang up. Boy, angry people get REALLY mad when you call them "Sir (or Ma'am)"!
On stereophonic equipment, the monaural sound obtained through multiple channels will enhance your listening pleasure.
Just go into Captain Haddock mode.
Try, oh say
"You odd-toed ungulates and two-timing tartar twisters, you coelacanths! I have no touch tone phone you vegetarian macrocephalic baboons! You Bashi-Bazouks! tell the dictatorial duck billed diplodocus that employs you that ten thousand terrifying turtles could not keep me as your customer."
Or something like that.
No, I wouldn't do that, but if anyone ever does, I'll for damn sure go down there and sit in the parking lot and watch!
In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris will still kick your ass.
It's true. I am what most people would generally call polite, but I've found that when trying to get "service", it's best to simply go into jerk mode right from the start.
George Carlin said it best...
At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.
WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
This will only work well for Comcast if it detects swearing after the call is terminated:
Auto System: Attempting to connect your call.
Auto System: Please wait.
Auto System: Please wait.
Auto System: Please wait.
Auto System: All operators are currently busy. Please call back. Good bye.
FUCK!
Back when I was working phone support, I used to delight in telling those assholes that they needed to format their hard drives. A system like this would have greatly improved my job satisfaction and performance numbers, since every call would have been an FFR (Fdisk-Format-Reinstall.) Not gonna bust my ass if the customer's a dick...
I'm trying to teach myself to set people on fire with my mind... Is it hot in here?
"Hi, Dell Tech Support? Yeah, I work at the Hoover Dam"
<BLEEEP> 'Transferring now'
"Socialization is f***ing hard. Let's go f***ing shopping."
With initial tryouts scheduled to take place at Parris Island, SC., right?
Your wait time is.... thirty....five.... minutes...
I hate this #$%* Service!!!
Agressive Level detecting, confirmed, level 8. Initiating Kenny G's Greatest Hits, Loop = 2
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