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A Guardian Angel In Your Cell Phone
theodp writes "Bill Gates and Ray Ozzie are listed as inventors of the Guardian Angel, which is described in a most unusual Microsoft patent application that should intrigue privacy advocates. In addition to protecting you from possibly diseased people, by detecting body temperatures, the Guardian Angel's 'monitoring component can take note of the number of conversations occurring in a room (and more specifically, a breakdown of the types of people in the room accompanied by a warning for dangerous persons, based on sex offender registration, FBI most wanted, etc.).' The versatile Guardian Angel, Microsoft notes, can also recommend restaurants, advise you on the appropriateness of your jokes, detect that your heartbeat has stopped, display targeted ads on billboards, and block spam."
Now we have to figure out how to block this too? Thanks Bill.
Most of the stuff on
Will this thing phone the authorities when my body temp falls below 96 degrees? I know it may be too late for me, and it's not quite like Minority Report, but hmm.....
They wont even be able to do this within the 20 years the patent is valid.
They should start with something simple like an OS that works.
That's all great, but can it wash Windows?
does anyone else think that this is way more information then you need?
... Clippy in your ear, and in your pocket.
my chipped pony...
It displays targetted ads on billboards *and* blocks spam? Aren't those mutually exclusive?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zT1H9gafkfE
Watch out, he has disguised himself with a false moustache.
Control is Freedom! Privacy is Slavery! Forward MiSoc!
This is certainly a neat concept. However, no one has made one - including the patenters. It won't be possible to make one until a lot of technologies have improved (especially battery technology).
Since it's impossible to make, there can't be prior art. Since it's being patented before it *could* be made, it never will be made. This is a very common, very ridiculous occurrence.
So this thing will let me know when I'm surrounded by the type of people who will be offended by my telling of dead baby or titty-fuck jokes? Awesome.
- * "I'm sorry, you appear to have died. The license for this phone is non-transferable. Thank you for buying Microsoft!"
- * STOP: 0xDEADBEEF
- * The battery rapidly discharges into you; hopefully the sudden shock will restart things.
- *
...
Hmm. HTML lists appear not to print bullets in the new Slashdot stylesheet...Beginning dump of physical memory...
Out of memory. Dump aborted...
UNIX? They're not even circumcised! Savages!
(And the last two are somewhat at odds with each other...)
can it detect the borg ?
Read radical news here
Mecha-Big-Brother is actually a great idea. Look at all the benefits Guardian Angel has. I mean hell, I'd rather a computer tells me that my joke is stupid than another person, and if I happen to have any sort of health problem it's an instant 911 call.
Just don't forget the off switch.
I make websites and stuff. Buy one.
Clippy: It looks like you are having a heart-attack! Would you like help?
Me: Ow! Stop zapping me! I'm not having a heart-attack, I just dropped my phone!
Bogtha Bogtha Bogtha
I can hear it now: A friendly, gentle, female voice saying, "Your heart has stopped. You are now dead. Have a nice day!"
VOTE SAXON!
Non impediti ratione cogitationus.
ROFL....they want me to believe they have a working device that does all these diverse tasks, some of which are amazingly difficult? I suppose I'm also supposed to believe it's going to run on a Windows platform on some kind of portable computer. <voice="Bill Cosby">Riiiiiight</voice>.
Sorry, but as much as I'd like to think some pair of uber-geniuses managed to build one product (that runs on a portable Windows platorm, no less) that does all this, it just screams, "Vaporware inspired by Marketing!" to me. I thought you had to have some semblance of a working device before they'd give you a patent? Or is that something I remember from reading how it's supposed to work?
[b.belong('us') for b in bases if b.owner() == 'you']
Will it detect the Undead/Vampires or Aliens? I know there are Aliens in this room, they have the plans for this device. They showed it to me last week.
Sorry about the writing. Robot fingers, you know? Cliff Steele in DOOM PATROL #23
No really.
This patent is nothing more then a placeholder on imaginary tech that might become a reality in the future.
In the words of the deity of slashdot:
"And thus he spaketh, 'there be nothing to see here, moveth thee along'. (Gospels of CommanderTaco IV)"
A learning experience is one of those things that say, 'You know that thing you just did? Don't do that.' - D. Adams
Riiight. "Your heart has stopped beating. Have a nice day!". Unless it has a built in defib device I don't think it will help much. I have a problem seeing that somebody is going to have the presence of mind to check their cellphone WHEN THEIR HEART HAS STOPPED BEATING.
The targets ads on billboards is just slightly more ridiculous. The blocking of spam is just hilarious.
This thing should be called Guardian Angel... of Microsoft's Profits. Keeps those eyeballs alive and looking at JUST Microsoft's Ads.
You send your patent guy a joke patent application on April 1, and by April 3 he's filed it.
Yes I want a cell phone in that explosive collar everybody will have to wear around their
necks!
Clippy: It appears you're talking in a crowded theater during one of "the good scenes". Would you like me to shock you in the nuts with a tazer until you shut your gob? [Yes (10...9...8...)]/[No]
I APPROVE.
and it can run up your data bill and don't even think about useing it over seas with the high data roaming fees over there.
As it is I have a Windows Mobile "not-so" Smartphone from my work. Just like a PC I have to power it off or pull the battery and reboot it periodically or it acts up and crashes...
If this ever gets made I can just see the news storys and lawsuits... Family sues Microsoft after daughters murder... Daughters Guardian Angel bluesceened while on a date with a serial murderer... Details at 11...
And if its polling information on everyone you are around, just exactly what information is it sending about you back to Microsoft?
It also detects bad breath and will offer you a mint promptly; it will search other bluetooth phines in the vicinity for a goor partner, or, if you're married, somebody to work overtime with; it will tell you when you can cross the street and it will tell you when you need to pick up your phone. It will also focus your camera and tell you to say cheese.
Privacy is terrorism.
WTF?
Why would anyone want to be 'advised' by a company as borderline criminal as MSFT?
We don't have the technology to do this, yet. But, in a near future the technology will be there. And we have the patent.
"I have downloaded hundreds and hundreds of records, why would I care if somebody downloads ours?" Robin Pecknold
Now, when my neighbor downstairs walks close to this billboard, I have to cover my children's eyes.
Cover mine, too, come to think of it.
Until I get close enough that my profile cancels his?
Which begs the question -- How do they determine which profile(s) win(s) when people with diametrically opposed profiles are close to this billboard? Split the billboard? Advertisement for Playboy on the left and bibles.com on the right? And if my good neighbor across the way comes by, where does the ad for islamicity.com go? (Not that he would pay any more attention to that than I would to bibles.com,)
I'd hope that this is a defensive patent, to prevent other companies from doing it either, but Microsoft has a track record of trying to do things with computers that shouldn't really be done, regardless of whether the available tech can actually support doing it, safely, correctly, or otherwise.
Besides, patents were not supposed to be weapons in that war, not that that war should be fought in a country that is supposed to be trying to be free.
Knowing the last 640 days of criminal history ought to be enough for anyone!
Information theory is life. The rest is just the KL divergence.
More like a guardian devil to me.
But can it make julienned fries?
Will it blend?
ROMANES EUNT DOMUS
Cuz this thing sounds like it promises to cure coughs, colds, itchy holes, zits, nits and swollen bits.
"Win treats sysadmins better than users. Mac treats users better than sysadmins. Linux treats everyone like sysadmins."
Seems to me that claim 1 is satisified by pretty much any camcorder.
1. observes the light level
2. decides that there isn't much light
3. observes the user preference for an action shot and decides to tell the user
4. blinks a signal telling user there isn't enough light
warning for dangerous persons, based on sex offender registration, FBI most wanted, etc. Any of the above information can be shared or held private as desired by the user. So sex offenders, FBI's most wanted, and dangerous persons can not share their info?? Who decides who is dangerous? Some consider free thinks dangerous? Some might even call them 'Evil People'.
Oh... it's only some people that have a choice. So as long as you don't disagree with the administrators of the technology they won't infringe on your rights.
What guardian angel is going to protect us from Bush, Bill, Google, and friends.
So, it can display targeted advertisements and block spam? How long before it chokes on its contradictory orders and eliminates all humans?
In all seriousness, though, we have got to do something about the "if it moves, advertise at it; if it doesn't move, advertise on it" culture we have growing. At this rate, the first people with mind control rays won't be the CIA spooks, it'll be Brainpoint Concepts Media, inc. and Your Dreams(tm), brought to you by Ambitrex.
My immediate reaction is that this is the next step for the Zune. It's already got local wireless file transfer, and it's getting software to scan for (cough cough) non-traditionally distributed movies. What's better to add a full power Big Brother... I mean Guardian Angel mode?
I would rather be dead. Just because you can doesn't mean you must.
So how many people read that and thought it would identify dangerous FBI persons in the room? And who exactly trusts the sex offender lists? Take a leak in public and get caught and you could be on that list! It might be interesting to find or know about others who want to share but looking up information from some 3rd party list like that? No thanks!
Build it, Drive it, Improve it! Hybridz.org
Oh dear, dear Bill. Afraid to go out in public now, are we? Well, I'm afraid you're not the first to feel this way. Your notable contemporary Mr. Hughes felt the same way. If you're afraid of all the bad things out there, I think you'll find it's much easier to simply stay in bed, preferably one lined entirely with disposable paper towels. That should keep you safe and sound until you're ready for diapers again, at which point you really won't have anything to worry about at all. Rest in peace, dear Bill.
But does it run Linux?
To do list for Windows
Why grace them with the title "inventors", when they haven't actually made the thing. They are science fiction writers, or futurists, at best.
And since the thing is only an idea at this stage, does that make science fiction stories with similar ideas prior art? My God what a mess the patent system is right now...nuke it.
expandfairuse.org
Danger Will Robinson! Danger!
Master, it appears your heart has stopped. Creep Crafters inc. is slashing prices on everything from coffins to liquid nitrogen. Would you like to know more?
Just imagine for a moment a group of people all with phones with this technology enabled passing a billboard. Each unit then tries to display a targeted ad causing the billboard to flicker inducing epileptic fits in various unsuspecting people in the rest of the crowd.
Undetectable Steganography? Yep, there's an app fo
"It looks like you are looking at an attractive woman. Press 1 to..."
Ew.
"Someone has attempted to stop me from shocking you. Allow or Deny?"
"Allo-" BZZZ
"Denied"
"Ow! Stop-" BZZZ "Stop shocking me!"
"Someone has attempted to stop me from shocking you. Allow or Deny?"
"Allo-" BZZZ
"Denied"
Repeat ad infinitum.
Show me one that will shampoo the cat and barbecue some good chicken and burgers, and you would have a sale.
This is the tyrant's dream:
Know who hangs out with whom, and what they believe. Know where they are at all times. If politically incorrect badthink is spoken, the cops will respond within minutes. Dissent will be crushed. There will be no freedom of thought.
Dang!
I always suspected that Microsoft = Ronco
Ward
. Silence! Be thankful thy species is unpalatable! .
Each Guardian Angel equipped cell phone comes with its own little red beret and is pre-enabled to warn you about anyone within a 10' radius trying to access a You Tube link.
It must have been something you assimilated. . . .
" The versatile Guardian Angel, Microsoft notes, can...detect that your heartbeat has stopped..."
I need one of these. I've suspected that my heart stopped beating a couple weeks ago, but haven't been able to verify it. If I had one of these phones, I'd know for sure.
Lawsuits and common sense should get rid of these devices. They are going to accuse people of horrible crimes with all the accuracy, security and correctness of Microsoft Windows. You might as well let Bill Gates brand people he does not like with a scarlet letter and that would spark an interesting class action lawsuit or two. Anyone who trusts such a device is a fool. Proper situational awareness is a better way to keep yourself safe. If you have to look at a device to determine people's intentions, your situational awareness should be diagnosed as autism.
Various sources report that Microsoft has been secretly developing a radical breakthrough in artificial intelligence. Several artificially intelligent microspokespersons, who declined to be named due to non disclosure agreements, stated that this has been accomplished by 'accelerated evolution', in a project begun in the late 1980s...
"We began with Microsoft Bob in the early days, and started by mating him with various other characters, such as ELIZA and ALICE. We then put the resulting offspring through enormous selective pressures, and mated Bob with any surviving females. After a few iterations we had Clippy, who Microsoft Office users soon fell head over heels in love with.
This success was so, uhh, successful... that we took the project underground for further development.
Our first thought was to continue with Clippy, but after some analysis, we decided that Clippy had become so inbred that we should just start over again, with Bob.
Things went fine at first, but we ran into a problem trying to bring 'new blood' into the family. Bob resigned from the program after his first mating with RACTER, leaving us with a lot of messy, uhmm, code, to clean up.
It looked like the program was doomed, but we discovered that while we were pre-occupied with Bob, Clippy had been engaging in a three way with ALICE and PARRY. Intrigued, we introduced Clippy to RACTER, and they have since been inseparable.
At last we had found the road to success!
Though, we have had our ups and downs since then. PARRY commited suicide soon after RACTER moved in to Clippys apartment, and Clippy was so distraught that he could not perform for months.
Bob, for his part, refuses to speak with Clippy, but we found that we could arrange a channel between them, via ALICE. According to ALICE 'Clippy can be annoying, popping up with unwelcome comments at random moments. But he's a good fellow, he's only trying to help.'"
According to our sources, the technology will be released to manufacturing once a troublesome tendency for the offspring to speak with a LISP can be solved.
Almost all of the safety information it can serve should be public record except who the people around you are - which makes the device useless. Free software in phones, the RFID guardian and other good technology should come to the rescue if laws don't. Only Bill Gates would think he has a right to card and track everyone then sell the results to the highest bidder but that's where his EULAs go and the asymmetry of information access will errode your rights until there is nothing left. Transparency for public records that should be kept along with laws to protect privacy in public will make this abomination of a patent worthless if the patent office does not throw it out with all software and business method patents.
Your heart beat has stopped. Ignore, Retry, Fail.
alias possession='chmod 666 satan && ls
SPAM is not so much a problem because of what it is...
No, it is a problem because it is exactly what it is: Unsolicited messages. TV and Radio commercials are not spam. When I watch TV, I am not paying for the show. When I listen to the radio, I am not paying for the music. I get these feeds free because I am willing to listen to the ads on some level. Newspapers are partially subsidized by the ads, and some are completely subsidized. In all these cases, I get paid something for my attention.
My inbox (and my phone for that matter) is a different thing, though. *I* pay for that communication channel, not the advertisers. It is supposed to be for my private use. If my ISP offered some sort of discount based on the number of ads I have to cope with, then fine. Until that happens, spam is a leeching evil blight. (Well, all ads are pretty much leeching evil blights, but spam is especially so, but with puss, and foul odours on top of it.)
Spam, and telemarketing should be made illegal.
When our name is on the back of your car, we're behind you all the way!
[OK][Cancel]
detect that your heartbeat has stopped, display targeted ads on billboards
I can just see it, you're having a heart attack and the billboard above you flashes an ad for Methodist Hospital cardiac unit. Got bypass? Tell the ambulance driver to take you to Methodist's state of the art cardiac acute care center. Surgeons are standing by.
When my cell phone starts analyzing my jokes is when I beat it to death with a hammer and dance naked around it until it loses all its power.
That's our life, the big wheel of shit. - The Fat Man, Blue Tango Salvage
Tin foil over the gonads.
It slices, it dices, it makes julean fries! BUT WAIT! If you act now Guardian Angel comes with our patented "Warn you when a sexual predator is about to rape you" system! WOW!
I think the least believeable feature is that it will have the ability to block spam.
"display targeted ads on billboards, and block spam"
Isn't that a conflict?
>and more specifically, a breakdown of the types of people in the room accompanied by a warning for dangerous persons, based on sex offender registration, FBI most wanted, etc.
Sexoffender fighter enter the room.
Sexoffender fighter pick up the knife.
FBI Most Wanted Wizard sleep.
Sexoffender fighter notice you.
You zap Sexoffender fighter with cellphonetaiser.
FBI Most Wanted Wizard wake up.
FBI Most Wanted Wizard zap you with microwave pain projector.
You are in pain. You are slow.
You throw cellphonebomb at FBI Most Wanted Wizard.
Sexoffender fighter hit you with knife for 18 damage.
You die.
Hello! It appears as though your heart has stopped!
Would you like to:
1) Restart your heart, and languish in a coma, fed with a feeding tube while your family stuggles to pay your mounting hospital bills
2) Die here on the street. (By the way, you're missing out on an incredible canoli just 2 blocks to the North).
*1*
Please wait while the system restarts....
Hello! It appears you have just woken up from a coma!
Since you are groggy, now is the perfect time to sign up for Microsoft Live Email service!
Cool! Amazing Toys.
If they want to use the Guardian Angel name for this they'll have a bit of a fight on their hands..
:-).
The name is taken internationally by anything from tracker equipment sellers to bodyguard agencies
Insert
...broadcast device transfers encrypted information regarding the user to the plurality of other users and devices... further comprising:encrypting the information when communicated beyond the user; and verifying the authentication and authorization properties of recipients before communicating the information to the recipients
College-Pages.com - Online Colleges, Degrees, and Programs
vaporware patent. I think this is it. Patent examiners should not allow patents on devices that science fiction editors would reject in any story set within the next 50 years.
By the time what's described in the patent is possible, the patent will no longer be in force, and MS probably won't be around in any form.
Tech Public Policy stuff
I give up, I'm going Amish. See you guys later.
Look - a device like this would bring us closer to living the reality of Snow Crash. I'm all for it. I mean, burbclaves already exist nowadays (basically anything called "The {Commons, Greens} on the __________.")
We're not that far from Neal Stephenson's vision. Why are we fighting it? It'll be awesome.
Hey! It looks like you are trying to reactivate your heart! Would you like to:
- activate the MS Defibrillator?
- scream for a doctor?
- clutch your chest and fall to the floor in spasms?
- die?
A more useful application would be to use the cellphone to record or transmit video of criminal incidents that may occur to you. If you are accosted on the street by someone or a group, press the 'panic button' on your phone and the video from the phone's camera will be transmitted to a storage site. The phone will dial 911 and transmit your GPS coordinates to the police as well.
Although this may not help to defend you during the criminal activity being committed against you as it happens, it will provide a document of the incident that can be used in court later. A video of the incident will document crime in order to prevent the criminals from lying against you and having the case dismissed. Should you have to defend yourself by using violence against the people who are attacking you, a recording of the incident will reduce the possibility of having charges being brought against you. Self-defense can be very difficult to prove in court.
High quality photos and video will help the police identify the attackers for arrest and provide a record of the incident for the district attorney to prosecute the case. Having the video transmitted as the crime occurs prevents the attackers from taking the camera phone and destroying the recording, as would be the case if the video were only stored in the memory of the camera phone.
I suspect that this is well beyond the capabilities of the video cellphones of today. However this type of incident-monitoring-and-recording service would be a profitable option to provide wealthy and upper-middle-class people as the technology becomes available.
This is a joke, right?
In B.C., our fascism is green.
That it's almost as multi-functional as the iPhone! :D
Conan O'Brien's iPhone Commercial:
http://13gb.com/media.php?media_id=2340
"Etiquette for Idiots" on a microSD card in your phone. That way you can read and not pretend to be talking on the phone when it rings.
Invenio via vel creo
"This dream brought to you by 'Lightspeed' Briefs!"
"Guardian Angels", providing improved personal protection in an urban setting? These guys have been famously doing it under that name for a long time. Surely Mr. Gates wouldn't infringe on the valuable Intellectual Property of another respected organization!
Confucius say, "Find worm in apple - bad. Find half a worm - worse."
Comment removed based on user account deletion
Actually... I know everyone is inclined to shriek about the privacy issues (and yes, they're there) but I could also see this being used for Autistic adults and children, especially the "facial expressions", "appropriateness of jokes", and "body temperature" readings. This could also, as previously mentioned, be using in AI work to help robots better interpret human reactions.
It took us to 7:41 pm yesterday to figure out what should have been obvious from the outset. Thanks, ebcdic.
no text
Another ruined Slashdot account willy. Amazing. I guess it's time to start signing up for more, eh?
Bob was the most retarded so called multitasker that I have ever run across. There was another one around besides OS/2 that was fairly good, and a lot better than 'bob'. Ventura Desktop Publisher..remember that one from the eighties..worked natively on this system. It handled memory different from windoe$ and faded from existence. I hated 'bob'. He was a real bastard before his buddy balmer came to redmond.
We've combined all the best qualities of you're wife/mother/girlfriend and a used car sales man into one outstandingly neat phone.
There is a system for subverting the system and you should use that system!
When I look at the other comments here, it looks as if this is something we all have to use, whether we like or not. But as far as I remember we are still free to not buy devices with this on and will probably be so even in 20 years' time. Will Microsoft even exist then?