Slashdot Mirror
Terry Pratchett's Self-Made Meteorite Sword
jamie writes "Fantasy author Sir Terry Pratchett says he was so excited after being knighted by the Queen that he decided to make his own sword to equip himself for his new status... the author dug up 81kg of ore and smelted it in the grounds of his house, using a makeshift kiln built from clay and hay and fueled with damp sheep manure."
Pratchett has stored the sword in a secret location, apparently concerned about the authorities taking an interest in it.
Knife Crime.
I'm the least surprised that it was Terry Pratchett that made himself a sword.
Living With a Nerd
The article on which this news story seems to be based, complete with picture of Sir pTerry and his sword is at
http://www.paulkidby.com/news/apr2010.html
I hear it's a sort of greenish-purple.
GAH. Stupid apostrophe...authors*
Living With a Nerd
He'll need at least one old lady, dressed in black, to carry it for him...
If I had an Ass, I'd call it Fanny Bottom, then I could slap my Ass; Fanny Bottom, on the Arse.
For the benefit of the rest of the world, Wiltshire is East of Redmond and West of Moscow...rant over.
From scarped cliff or quarried stone she cries "A thousand types are gone, I care for nothing, no not one."
If I'm not mistaken coal is used in blacksmiths kilns to melt iron, at about 1500 Celsius. I'm wondering how he got those kind of temperatures with sheep manure. Maybe the manure had an octarine glow to it ;)
Sounds like he just made a real life Thunderfury.
Actually, the man himself told us during the recent Discworld convention that he did this. As for the alzheimer: he seemed remarkably strong and clear, and fortunately in much better (mental) shape than i expected him to be.
Pratchett has stored the sword in a secret location, apparently concerned about the authorities taking an interest in it.
Owning a sword isn't illegal, though carrying one in public usually is.
This story is a complete fantasy. Pratchett has advanced Alzheimer
No, he's got a rare form of early onset Alzheimer's; it's still in it's relatively early stages so he's still quite in control of all his faculties & capable of making a sword - as evidenced by the fact that he had not one, but two books published this very year. However as Alzheimer's is degenerative how long he will remain free of dementia is not something that's been made public knowledge (if his doctors have even been able to give him a reliable estimate).
If I have nothing to hide, you have no reason to search me
I've read countless interviews from authors (especially fantasy authors) who make a habit of forging swords, knives and making bows and arrows. I suppose it goes along with the territory. Even Paolini who wrote the Eragon books has tried his hand at making weapons.
I thought he had been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's, but that it had not yet advanced very far yet. I had the impression of a man aware of the impending gradual loss of his cognition who was trying to make the best of what he had left.
Perhaps I'm mistaken.
I can't wait for RMS to get knighted.
Of course I believe he'd have to become a subject of the Queen to do so, and given his predisposition, I doubt he'd be particularly inclined to do so.
~/ssh slashdot.org ssh: connect to host slashdot.org port 22: too many beers
in much better (mental) shape than i expected him to be.
Alzheimer's is degenerative & he's only been relatively recently diagnosed; he's had Unseen Academicals and I shall wear midnight both published this year - if you can have two books published you're bound to still be in good mental shape - it's when he stops publishing that we'll know his Alzheimer's has got his mind.
If I have nothing to hide, you have no reason to search me
This past weekend I put a huge steel ninja sword I got for 12 bucks into a campfire we were having, and it glowed red after a short few minutes. I easily bent it into a full U shape.
This simple, moronic drunken act made me feel connected to countless other drunken, moronic ancestors before me, all equally intruigued by how fire is able to temporarily confuse physics. I suppose this is why alchemy makes sense, since some form of math has to work inside of a fire. Still, I felt very enlightened to hold one of the four elements so close to my will and desires.
slashdot: where everyone yells sarcastic metaphors to themselves to understand the issue
...but it's more likely he'll forget where he hid it.
I thought he had been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's, but that it had not yet advanced very far yet. I had the impression of a man aware of the impending gradual loss of his cognition who was trying to make the best of what he had left.
Perhaps I'm mistaken.
No, you're quite right, the GP is wrong
If I have nothing to hide, you have no reason to search me
My Organic Chemistry professor had a similar diagnosis when I was in college. He was still fully able to function to the point of lecturing and running a lab, he simply could not answer any questions. As long as he had a day to prepare his notes, look off his notes, and not get interrupted he was normal. When people asked questions mid-lecture (or any time) he would get off-track and get confused. He lasted for two years like this before he had to stop teaching.
It was particularly sad, because he knew what was going on - he still knew his chemistry and left to himself could still function, research, etc. It was mostly bad in any social setting where long lengths of time aren't given to wrap your head around a particular thought or go through a problem several times before giving an answer. He could still cook quite well on his own, but if you asked him what the ingredients were or what he was doing while he was cooking, it would throw him off course and he would be confused for a while until he could retrace his steps to figure out what he was doing.
With a sword you need to be able to chop
Wrong
Finally had enough. Come see us over at https://soylentnews.org/
- "I thought swords had to be straight."
- "Perhaps they start out straight and go bendy with use. A lot of things do."
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)
Reply to That ||
I don't think he'll need to stop publishing, he can just start writing some books from the point of view of the Bursar* :)
*no offence meant, I'm as sad about the situation as anyone else here..
which is totally what she said
Owning a sword isn't illegal, though carrying one in public usually is.
In Spain, carrying a sword in public is legal if it's not concealed. But you've got to have a reason to be carrying it, like "I just bought it and I'm taking it home", "I'm going to my bastard sword class" or "I'm going to the woods to take pictures of my sword collection".
You can also carry a non concealed hunting knife of any size or form, including two bladed.
What you can't carry is any pocket/concealed weapon over 11cm, two bladed or with an automatic aperture system based on internally stored force (mass, for gravity or inertial automatics is ok).
Alzheimer's is degenerative & he's only been relatively recently diagnosed; he's had Unseen Academicals and I shall wear midnight both published this year - if you can have two books published you're bound to still be in good mental shape - it's when he stops publishing that we'll know his Alzheimer's has got his mind.
Not just that, but it seems to be mainly progressing in parts of his brain that aren't needed for producing stories. (Before watching a TV programme about TP's Alzheimers, I didn't know that it could differentially affect different areas of the brain. Just goes to show that TV can be educational after all.)
"Little does he know, but there is no 'I' in 'Idiot'!"
Far future. Civilization has collapsed. A small band of likable people are fending off bad people.
One of the good people stumbles upon Sir Terry's home and discovers a magic sword allowing him to fend off the bad people, get the girl, live happily ever after.
It looks like a gladius to me http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gladius
Apostrophes.
Elegant weapons for a more civilized time.
He didn't make the sword; He contacted a swordsmith. He did smelt the unrefined ore into bars himself, though, using techniques from a friend with an interest in ancient smithing arts.
Finally had enough. Come see us over at https://soylentnews.org/
Is "I'm looking for the man who killed my father" a valid reason in Spain?
Careful reading of his more recent works, not just the two you mentioned but going back 5-10 years, you do notice some things in his works degrading; not enough to hurt the overall quality of the book, but enough that you can tell something is happening. The largest change is a reduction in vocabulary, but there is also the fact that tend to be more straightforward, with less metaphors and colorful language.
Like I said, the ideas are all still sound, the humor is fun and entertaining, there are no gaping plot holes left unfilled, but I suspect that you could make a pretty interesting study on the effects of Alzheimer's on language by studying his books. And you'd certainly have a good sample of his writing (what is he up to now, 30 books? 40?
What are the to hit and damage modifiers? Since its magical I assume it would be more than +1 in both categories.
putting the 'B' in LGBTQ+
I should hope it's a really nice sword. I recall watching a national geographic or discovery channel thing that described how iron was extracted from pete moss. Fascinating stuff... okay almost completely unrelated, but using ancient techniques to make ancient weapons interests me.
That reason is inconceivable.
"If I have been able to see so far, It is because I went out and bought a damn binoculars" - Ze da Esquina
Is "I'm looking for the man who killed my father" a valid reason in Spain?
You would probably have to add "he was carrying a sword just like this one, so I was bringing it along for comparison".
So by your way of thinking, the rapier and foil aren't swords either.
"Lame" - Galaxar
Looking through the article, I'm seeing that he dug up iron ore; was the deposit meteoric in nature, or was there just nothing meteoric about it at all? Where do the meteorites come into play here? 81kg of meteorite is a hefty chunk of material...
Additionally, there have been several breakthroughs in treating Alzheimer's in the last year or so that make it likely that medical science will allow him to delay the onset of dementia (and possibly avoid it altogether).
The truth is that all men having power ought to be mistrusted. James Madison
It came from Uranus and will now end up there also.
Table-ized A.I.
But rapiers were very specialized for a certain way of fighting/dueling that was in vogue with young noble men. They didn't were armor and in a lot of ways it was more about form and style than it was about killing efficiency. The statement does hold true for swords except for the very specialized ones like the rapier.
Were you at the con in ireland last year by any chance?
(He talked about it then as well, this isn't very up to date news)
Real swordsmiths have been doing this for years. You can easily order Damascus steel forged from the iron of meteorites at dozens of websites. Just do a google search. Just like his books he's taking the great works of others, copying them and pretending he's created something new. It's the one ring! I mean sword!
with an automatic aperture system based on internally stored force (mass, for gravity or inertial automatics is ok).
Not familiar with the terminology, are you referring to something like a switchblade?
It's a shame that a lot of places have banned those, because I find that they are VERY useful. I have one and it became my favorite knife to use while working in places where my hands are occupied. I can get it in my hand, disengage the safety and open it with my thumb, do the work, and then close it again easier than a typical lockback knife.
A typical folding knife can be nice, but I hate how loose the ones with blades you can open with one hand are. The awesome thing about a spring loaded knife is that the spring keeps positive pressure on the blade (even after you release the lock to close it) This positive pressure, combined with a dull 'back' to the blade (not double sided) lets you do the following:
To close the knife:
1. Hold the release to unlock the blade
2. push the back of the blade against a convenient surface
3. It locks in place, re-engage the safety.
With a typical folding knife, once you release the lock on the open blade, the sharp side is free to move and, in my opinion, is slightly harder to manipulate in a safe way, especially with one hand. If you have ever had the chance to use a quality switch blade (Not double edged), they are damned useful tools.
The only other thing I've used that fills this need is a box cutter, which is easy to open and close, but the razor blades aren't that great for the type of work I do and will typically shatter or chip after a few uses. When I'm in a place where a switchblade is illegal, I use box cutters, but I burn through the blades like crazy.
Out of modpoints but really liked a post? 1BDkF6TtmmeZ3yqXbz9yhdYVqRYnwFoXDj
Yeah, he looked good. Says that the condition is progressing very slowly -- slower than expected, or words to that effect. Aside from the fact that he no longer reads out the bedtime story (part of an unreleased book) at the Discworld Convention himself (Rob, his PA, did that), he seemed, if anything, much more cheerful than he was in 2008. Which is awesome.
MozeeToby's comment later in the thread, suggesting that someone make "a pretty interesting study on the effects of Alzheimer's on language by studying his books," reminds me of Pratchett's comment that he throws away drafts for fear of what English Literature researchers might theorise in future. Although I am now strongly inclined to test the hypothesis by comparing actual vocabulary used over time, because it does not seem to me that there has been a marked reduction in the complexity of language used. That said, there may very well be changes in structure due to using dictation software and so forth, as well as in punctuation and in the use of concrete poetry/structural games, footnotes, etc.
Three cheers for Anglachel!!!
Sorry about your sister though, was she good?
Prof. Farnsworth - "Oh a lesson in not changing history from Mr I'm-My-Own-Grandpa!"
Not familiar with the terminology, are you referring to something like a switchblade?
Yes.
It's a shame that a lot of places have banned those, because I find that they are VERY useful. I have one and it became my favorite knife to use while working in places where my hands are occupied. I can get it in my hand, disengage the safety and open it with my thumb, do the work, and then close it again easier than a typical lockback knife.
There are other kinds of folding knives that can be opened with one hand, the only difference is whether they'll stab something on the opening movement, which is not justifiable for a tool, thus the internally stored force limit that includes springs and even bullet cartidges (without the bullet).
A typical folding knife can be nice, but I hate how loose the ones with blades you can open with one hand are.
A good knive can have a perfectly firm and locked blade that you can open with one hand. They may be expensive, though.
The awesome thing about a spring loaded knife is that the spring keeps positive pressure on the blade (even after you release the lock to close it) This positive pressure, combined with a dull 'back' to the blade (not double sided) lets you do the following:
To close the knife:
1. Hold the release to unlock the blade
2. push the back of the blade against a convenient surface
3. It locks in place, re-engage the safety.
With a typical folding knife, once you release the lock on the open blade, the sharp side is free to move and, in my opinion, is slightly harder to manipulate in a safe way, especially with one hand. If you have ever had the chance to use a quality switch blade (Not double edged), they are damned useful tools.
I own several Benchmades, Spidercos, etc and I've never had a problem handling them with one hand but I think what you want is a fireman's folding knife, made to be opened with one heavy gloved hand. You may want to lock into CRKT's kind of assisted opening.
Having said that, I'd use a fixed blade if at all possible.
Is "I'm looking for the man who killed my father" a valid reason in Spain?
Only if your name is Iñigo Montoya.
Some rapiers were *very* stylized (the ridiculous blade lengths that became popular among courtiers, for example). But "deep bellied" or "broad bladed tip" designs are not the only form for effectual swords and chopping is not very efficient for defeating armor, thrusting is. And for thrusting a triangular blade is desired.
One place to start educating yourself about swords and the various types is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oakeshott_typology
You will notice that Type X "taper toward the tip" rather than becoming broader. Or the Type XII which is improved for thrusting. Or the Type XIII which, while not especially adapted for thrusting, fails to have the "broad toward the tip" design you aver is the only functional sword type. Note when and how common this sword type was.
In fact, you won't find much in the way of sword blade types meeting those limited criteria.
A gladius has a dip in it. This one is more triangle-shaped. It looks like a standard fantasy short sword, maybe an arming sword.
That reason is inconceivable.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
When the foot seeks the place of the head, the line is crossed. Know your place. Keep your place. Be a shoe.
I'll look into the fireman's knife, thanks. I also agree about the point first method of force assisted opening, I wouldn't touch one of those as that would be dangerous to me and of marginal benefit.
I just get tired of tools being demonized because they get featured in movies or become the latest media fear fad.
Out of modpoints but really liked a post? 1BDkF6TtmmeZ3yqXbz9yhdYVqRYnwFoXDj
I always liked him as a comically kitschy author--I like really bad fantasy and skiffie.
He went out and did it.
Doesn't matter what "it" is (OK, maybe not infantaphagia or similar...)--kudos to anyone these days who gets off their butt and goes out and does it.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, it doesn't go away." - Philip K. Dick
Actually, I've noticed a similar kind of degradation over the careers of many authors, without (as far as I am aware) any degenerative mental disease. Which is not to say that you're wrong about Pratchett's work; I'm not familiar enough with it to say, having only read a handful of his books.
I certainly don't disagree that this would be an interesting area to study, I'm just not convinced that you can necessarily attribute such changes in his work to the disease.
NO absolutely NOT under NO circumstance,
Signed, the man who killed your father.
MMO Quests are like orgasms:
You may solo them, I prefer them in a group.
-1 is a bit harsh, but he's more wrong than informative.
You do not know what you're talking about. A good sword balances an inch or so forward of the quillons. What you're referring to were early swords, based on the designs of Bronze Age swords, which had thickened blades to sustain damage, not for hacking needs. Furthermore, the favored tactic of Romans was to block upwards with the shield and jab into the enemies unprotected midsection. Even before Rome fell, those designs had disappeared.
Read my previous post. The vast bulk of steel swords balance close to the quillons. That's the entire point of the pommel.
"They didn't were armor and in a lot of ways it was more about form and style than it was about killing efficiency."
After the word armor, that sentence is quite uninformed.
How do you want the balance to be? For a well-balanced sword, the center of gravity is near the cross guard. It has to be, if you want to swing it around easily. And swords are just not intended for chopping through armour. When people started wearing more and more armour, knights started using axes, maces and warhammers, and foot soldiers started using halberds and various other polearms.
Personally I don't see what's wrong with the balance of Sir Terry's sword (as if you could tell what the balance is like just from looking at it). It's certainly a bit of an odd design, and probably not the most effective sword ever, but it definitely counts as sword. It even looks properly double edged (which is what used to distinguish swords from long knives and sabres in medieval Europe, though not in other parts of the world).
Partly correct. The Gladius was favoured by the Legions because it was short enough for the scabbard to be hung on the same side as the wielding hand. This prevents the act of drawing the sword from taking any more room than one man standing upright, maintaining their tight shield wall formation.
Clever buggers, they were.
It's not that they were clever, so much, as the fact that they'd learned from their mistakes.
Prior to adopting the shorter swords, there was a fair chance that each man drawing his sword in the shield wall formation would kill the man to his left... And so the entire formation could be reduced to one man in the space of seconds. This only happened eight or nine times before they decided to rethink their approach.
Bow-ties are cool.
Yeah, in Seattle, if you're a homeless woodcarving man of the First Nations, hard of hearing, and you have a PERFECTLY LEGAL folding knife if your hand, some cop will shoot you to death within 40 SECONDS of stopping his car. Nevermind you weren't using the knife for anything other than carving and there were no citizens who were being threatened. You are sitting on the curb, some jackbooted thug with a badge pulls up, and you are dead and talking with your ancestors.
Knife Crime.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong fix.
That's why modern fencing has different categories for foil and sword.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, sue.
This story is a complete fantasy. Pratchett has advanced Alzheimer
No, he's got a rare form of early onset Alzheimer's; it's still in it's relatively early stages so he's still quite in control of all his faculties & capable of making a sword - as evidenced by the fact that he had not one, but two books published this very year.
Interesting. I wouldn't have thought that publishing a book was an adequate demonstration of sword-making skill...
Bow-ties are cool.
Imagine a cluster of Beowolfs with those swords.
He didn't make the sword; He contacted a swordsmith. He did smelt the unrefined ore into bars himself, though
He who smelt it, dealt it...
Bow-ties are cool.
Very interesting. Thank you for the information!
Actually, it varies.
Swords don't just "randomly look different ways to look cool"
The cross section and the shape of the blade reflect the intended usage.
Some swords are piercing, some are slashing, some are stabbing, some are chopping.
It depends on your size, what kind of armor you are going to be wearing (plate guy with a rapier won't be very effective) and the type of armor your opponent will be wearing, and your likely fighting environment (are you surrounded by trees and bushes or out in the grass or in tight streets? Look... I'm on a wall!
The cross section varies from a wedge + rectangle backing, to a football, to a rounded wedge, etc.
Terry's sword (wonder what he will name it?), looks like a foot soldier's sword and looks like a stabbing weapon tho I'm sure it has a cutting edge, it lacks weight along the entire back and/or near the tip to give the blade inertia to chop through something. It's not long enough to use from horseback effectively.
She was like chocolate when she drank... semi-sweet at first and then increasingly bitter.
Careful reading of his more recent works, not just the two you mentioned but going back 5-10 years, you do notice some things in his works degrading; not enough to hurt the overall quality of the book, but enough that you can tell something is happening. The largest change is a reduction in vocabulary, but there is also the fact that tend to be more straightforward, with less metaphors and colorful language.
Like I said, the ideas are all still sound, the humor is fun and entertaining, there are no gaping plot holes left unfilled, but I suspect that you could make a pretty interesting study on the effects of Alzheimer's on language by studying his books. And you'd certainly have a good sample of his writing (what is he up to now, 30 books? 40?
38 Discworld Novels alone, multiple Discworld spin-offs (I can recommend the three "Science of Discworld" books as fun pop-sci books, they're hard science mixed with a story about the Wizards "roundworld" project in alternate chapters, they're not like the "Science of star-trek" type books), he's done quite a bit of non-Discworld stuff as well IMO the best being Good Omens with Neil Gaiman.
Has his work gone down hill? I'm not so sure, his style has defiantly changed, but I think a lot of it was him maturing as a writer. Both Thud! and Night Watch are far better pieces of writing than The colour of magic ever will be. having said that my favourite is actually one of the older books - Guards! Guards!
If I have nothing to hide, you have no reason to search me
This story is a complete fantasy. Pratchett has advanced Alzheimer and is not capable of making anything.
I'm not sure if this story is generated by his publisher to get a last moment of fame and sell more books, or that someone is playing a cruel joke on Terry.
Leave the man be, he has enough worries.
Aw I'll bite!
I just saw him in an interview on the BBC and he seemed pretty clear headed to me. Plus of course there's the fact that he is still publishing bestsellers while all you can do is post anonymously in Slashdot.
Pratchett with Alzheimers > You.
I apologize in advance if this comes across as trolling (honestly, it's not intended to be), but... have you read those books? I'm really quite a fan of pTerry, and I've got more than 8 feet on my bookshelf dedicated to his novels and secondary Discworld literature alone, but in all honesty, the last couple of books he wrote (pretty much everything since "The Truth") stank, to varying extents.
Yes I also have all 38 Discworld Novels and quite a bit of the spin-off stuff as well. However I disagree with you; two of the best books in the series are Thud! and Night Watch; both were published after The Truth, and IMO they (and other recent books) are far better pieces of writing than The Colour of Magic & The Light Fantastic were because he's developed as an author and the Discworld along with him, just compare the characterisation of the wizards now to when we first saw Rincewind to see what I mean. Having said all that, my favourite remains Guards! Guards!
If I have nothing to hide, you have no reason to search me
Perhaps I'm mistaken.
In this context you are - both tasks need a functioning brain.
If I have nothing to hide, you have no reason to search me
I can say that the CRKT m16 13sf is excellent. Easy one hand opening via the carson flipper, and with dual safety locks they refer to it as a virtual fixed blade. The carson flippers even act as a hilt. I love this knife.
"It annoys me that knights aren't allowed to carry their swords. That would be knife crime."
Indeed, if knight-authors were allowed to carry swords, the world would be a much better place.
Qxe4
I've met Terry, at Swancon 18... I have to say that he is a very cool man. Even though I don't like his books, he's proven his geek-cred.
Most weapons are specialised for a certain way of fighting, or as a response to the fighting styles of others. Plate armour can be seen largely as a response to the greatswords used by the Celts, Picts and Saxons, which could cut right through a man from shoulder to opposite hip. When Knights began wearing plate, people didn't bother trying to hit them with swords; you used a crossbow to punch straight through or used a hooked polearm to get them on the ground and bash their head in with a hammer.
You could go on for hours about the tactics for use of different weapons in different situations, but all weapons still fit one or more of 5 descriptions; sharp things, pointy things, heavy things, fast things, or things that go boom.
That's right. Sadly, it's already severely limited his ability to type, so he now prefers to dictate. However, he remains lucid for the moment. Long may that last.
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.
Despite how cool long swords look, I settled on a modern gladius like short sword (made from car spring). Has a nice mix of sturdy blade (diamond shaped) for thrusting and a decent edge for cutting. While no replacement for a .1911, it's a bit quieter.
I drank what? -- Socrates
But, but, which is greater?
I drank what? -- Socrates
Is why I have a Gerber Mk II and a Gerber Evo Jr.
I drank what? -- Socrates
They have been making those forever (or at least since I was 9 or 10 years old). I still have my old Mark I, my Frisco Shiv. Too bad they are all considered "weapons"
You need a carbon fuel like wood charcoal to smelt iron ore into iron. Not sheep manure, much less damp. It must be done in a furnace, not just a kiln. This story smells of a hoax.
You haven't tried mediaeval fencing or studied actual swordmaking, I can tell. :)
Seriously, though, you want the weight of the blade to be centered near the cross, so that the blade is easier to control. Leaf shaped blades are actually more susceptible to break, as the inertia of the tip combined with the weight of the pommel and hilt would centre the stress before the hilt at the blade's weakest point. Leaf shaped blades are also less suited for thrusting attacks, which for a short sword is more common—short swords were meant for close quarters combat, where you don't have the room to freely swing. Thrusts also are better at penetrating chain mail or attacking exposed areas near the cuirass.
Some rapiers were *very* stylized (the ridiculous blade lengths that became popular among courtiers, for example).
While it's true that the popularity of rapiers was more a matter of fashion than effectiveness, the ridiculous length did have a practical reason. The rapier was a completely offensive weapon, which meant it's all about being the first to make an effective attack. A long sword meant more reach, giving you an advantage.
Later, the rapier got replaced by the much shorter and much more defensive smallsword.
Has anyone ever invented a polearm that goes boom? Then you'd have all 5 functions in a single weapon.
Explosive whaling harpoons might come close.
You are apparently unaware of the ridiculous lengths involved.
Are you perhaps aware that there is a physical limitation to blade length of a weapon sheathed at the hip which will be drawn from there? It is a function of arm length. Some scabbards are made to extend this by effectively having a slit from the opening down along the bottom edge, but I'm not aware of any rapier scabbards made this way. A little experimentation will determine the maximum blade length you can draw.
Then consider the fact that the longer the blade the farther out the balance point will move. Yes, you can compensate by embellishing the hilt and using a larger pommel, but doing so increases the overall weight of the blade. A "normal" ~34" blade rapier weighs about three pounds. A "normal" ~33" blade sword weighs about three pounds.
You make the rapier a foot longer and you necessarily increase the weight, or to retain the balance point, increase the weight even more. Either way you are increasing the effort required to wield the blade. Arm-chair "weapon masters" rarely realize how tiring it is to wield a 3 pounds sword, and how much more tiring it is to wield one that weighs four pounds. Many RPGs vastly overstate the weight of weapons which compounds the problem.
The length of a rapier became a point of status and was not an issue of defense (or offense -- reach is actually more important for offense) leading to sumptuary laws in England.
A quick way to find *real* weights and lengths for various historical weapons without leaving your chair is to peruse catalogs of replicas, such as http://www.museumreplicas.com/
stick a bang stick on to the reverse of one:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bang_stick
Do Or Do Not, There Is No Spoon, There Is Only Zuul. Everything in the above post is probably opinion.