Microsoft today announced the release of version 2.0 of its world-beating Silverlight multimedia platform for the Web. As a replacement for Adobe's Flash, it is widely considered utterly superfluous and of no interest to anyone who could be found.
"We have a fabulous selection of content partners for Silverlight," announced Microsoft marketer Scott Guthrie on his blog today. "NBC for the Olympics, which delivered millions of new users to BitTorrent. The Democrat National Convention, which is fine because those Linux users are all Ron Paul weirdos anyway. Major League Baseball, er, forget that one. It comes with rich frameworks, rich controls, rich networking support, a rich base class library, rich media support, oh God kill me now. My options are underwater, my resume's a car crash, Google won't call me back. My life is an exercise in futility. I'm the walking dead, man. The walking dead."
Silverlight was created by Microsoft to leverage its desktop monopoly on Windows, to work off the tremendous sales and popularity of Vista. Flash is present on a pathetic 96% of all computers connected to the Internet, whereas Silverlight downloads are into the triple figures.
"But it's got DRM!" cried Guthrie. "Netflix loved it! And web developers love us too, after all we did for them with IE 6. Wait, come back! We'll put porn on it! FREE PORN!"
Similar Microsoft initiatives include its XPS replacement for Adobe PDF, its HD Photo replacement for JPEG photographs and its earlier Liquid Motion attempt to replace Flash. Also, that CD-ROM format Vista defaults to which no other computers can read.
In a Microsoft internal security sweep, Guthrie's own desktop was found to still be running Windows XP.
She'll just have to comfort herself with her book deal.
"Look at the elegance of the hand-tooled leather binding," said the Conservative Book Club, "the archival quality acid-free paper! Every copy will also come with a set of 100% all-American-made red, white and blue crayons to color it in."
Despite Palin's failure to secure the groups that McCain strategists hoped she might deliver - women, independent voters, suburbanites, those with ten fingers - her supporters insisted that she should not be blamed for McCain's shortcomings or Bush's failures. "It were all the fault o' them Muslin terr'ists," said political commentator Joe the Plumber.
Current projections show Palin taking 95% of 25% of the electorate. "I was against the bank bailout from the first," said Palin. "Lookit the rekerd. It was this governor, not that one! You betcha!"
New findings printed today in all papers and broadcast on ITV, Channel 4 and Channel 5 reveal that television is "virtually a mental vitamin" for intelligence and emotional well-being. In addition, it helps treat arrhythmia, psoriasis, tooth decay, distemper, dropsy, haemorrhoids and impotence, and lets you see through clothes.
The findings were revealed today by the study's funders, a consortium of commercial television broadcasters and newspaper proprietors. They have recommended that television and printed newspapers be made mandatory as a public health measure, and that the Internet be renamed "The Paedophile Channel" as a warning to possible users.
"The quick-fix nature of televisual gratification accumulates and quickly becomes permanent," said Dr Desmond Murdoch. "The artistic brilliance of thirty-second messages provides the viewer's necessary daily dose of thoughtful mental stimulation and wit.
"I met a scientist once," said Dr Murdoch. "Well, he said he was a scientist. He handed me a remarkably large cheque."
Further results from the research group are expected to include revelations that jaffa cakes, crisps and Coca-Cola are "fruit" for the purposes of achieving one's government-mandated five portions a day, and that snake oil liniment does all it is claimed to.
Indeed. I swear, I called it: it's easier to predict the holes when you release them yourself.
After what was expected to be an unusually quiet Patch Tuesday, Microsoft has released eight patches for applications with an insufficient number of security holes. "Our market is the enterprise," said Microsoft security marketer Jonathan Ness. "Information technology professionals know that Windows is the greatest IT job creation scheme in history. Without Patch Tuesday, there's no reason for the experienced IT worker to spend his time hiding out in the server room watching progress bars and getting over his hangover. Also, you can't tell people a virus ate their mail, you actually have to get it back for them."
As Microsoft continues to prepare for the 2009 2010 launch of Windows 7, it today issued a plea through its network of objective opinion-shapers: Don't let the journalists near it.
"We understand that many journalists use Macs," said CNet marketing marketer Don Reisinger. "This means they necessarily suckle at the Satanic rear passage of Steve Jobs. We cannot countenance their bias. Journalists are responsible for all those signs outside computer shops offering to replace Vista with XP. When was the last time you saw the entire technology field stop and wait for an announcement from any other company besides Apple? It's so unfair!"
Smears and slanders also come from obsessive overweight nerdy Mac-using Linux geek troublemakers who run "benchmarks" and "tests." "It's horrifying bias from the 'reality'-based community," said ZDNet marketing marketer Mary Jo Enderle. "We understand that, just because Vista was 40% slower than XP and Windows 7 is the same speed as Vista, the nattering nabobs of negativism are already writing press releases condemning it as 'not enough of an improvement.' It's so unfair!"
"Mactards are like concentration camp guards," said Guardian marketing marketer Jack Schofield, "brutalising 'I'm A PC' users and" [This comment has been removed by a Guardian moderator. Replies may also be deleted.]
"The only reason Vista failed was because Microsoft planned for it to fail," said Reisinger in an earlier ad-banner troll post. "It was a fantastically subtle double-bluff! They did the honorable thing in the face of the vile calumnies spread by Apple. It's so unfair!"
Microsoft will be debuting Windows 7 on a new 17" Asus Eee Ultra-Portable Mini-Netbook with 8GB memory and a 2GHz quad-core processor. Battery life is up to twenty minutes in preliminary tests.
There are already RISC netbooks available running MIPS and ARM. They're half the price of x86 netbooks and run a custom build of Linux... but Firefox is identical. Because GNU/Linux is in fact identical on all platforms.
ARM and MIPS based laptops, for a given price point, will run cooler and faster than any x86 can. x86 chips these days are a RISC core with an instruction set interpreter on the front, but that interpreter is enough of a liability for the RISC to have the edge.
Linux is like the Mooncup: a nice idea, but messy and not for the squeamish. In fact, Linux can be likened to a Mooncup-using redhaired hippie girlfriend who lives in a house in the country she built herself from twigs and has very strong ideas on how everything should be and has all her original body hair. The sex is fantastic, but only if she thinks the astrological conditions are perfect. And the house has a hand-dug latrine, so she's propped a toilet bowl on top and thinks that's "user friendliness."
Windows, however, is like a nice normal bottle-blonde girlfriend who has a proper office job and dresses cleanly from Primark and has a sweet smile and lives in a proper bedsit and knows everyone and how to act normally and is accepted in society. She gets headaches a lot and fits of rage where she smashes everything and there's an odd smell of decaying human flesh coming from the drains and the toilet backs up every now and then filling the entire block with sewage and bits of bodies, but this is entirely normal and nothing to worry about.
Slashdot Mirror
Microsoft today announced the release of version 2.0 of its world-beating Silverlight multimedia platform for the Web. As a replacement for Adobe's Flash, it is widely considered utterly superfluous and of no interest to anyone who could be found.
"We have a fabulous selection of content partners for Silverlight," announced Microsoft marketer Scott Guthrie on his blog today. "NBC for the Olympics, which delivered millions of new users to BitTorrent. The Democrat National Convention, which is fine because those Linux users are all Ron Paul weirdos anyway. Major League Baseball, er, forget that one. It comes with rich frameworks, rich controls, rich networking support, a rich base class library, rich media support, oh God kill me now. My options are underwater, my resume's a car crash, Google won't call me back. My life is an exercise in futility. I'm the walking dead, man. The walking dead."
Silverlight was created by Microsoft to leverage its desktop monopoly on Windows, to work off the tremendous sales and popularity of Vista. Flash is present on a pathetic 96% of all computers connected to the Internet, whereas Silverlight downloads are into the triple figures.
"But it's got DRM!" cried Guthrie. "Netflix loved it! And web developers love us too, after all we did for them with IE 6. Wait, come back! We'll put porn on it! FREE PORN!"
Similar Microsoft initiatives include its XPS replacement for Adobe PDF, its HD Photo replacement for JPEG photographs and its earlier Liquid Motion attempt to replace Flash. Also, that CD-ROM format Vista defaults to which no other computers can read.
In a Microsoft internal security sweep, Guthrie's own desktop was found to still be running Windows XP.
People can gather together for massively multiplayer games of Red Ring Of Death!
(I've done the new Xbox 360 logo.)
"Fuck it," said Jobs, "we're evil."
She'll just have to comfort herself with her book deal.
"Look at the elegance of the hand-tooled leather binding," said the Conservative Book Club, "the archival quality acid-free paper! Every copy will also come with a set of 100% all-American-made red, white and blue crayons to color it in."
Despite Palin's failure to secure the groups that McCain strategists hoped she might deliver - women, independent voters, suburbanites, those with ten fingers - her supporters insisted that she should not be blamed for McCain's shortcomings or Bush's failures. "It were all the fault o' them Muslin terr'ists," said political commentator Joe the Plumber.
Current projections show Palin taking 95% of 25% of the electorate. "I was against the bank bailout from the first," said Palin. "Lookit the rekerd. It was this governor, not that one! You betcha!"
*shudder*
New dimensions in pr0n.
*brain bleach*
She'll never get laid again. Not ever.
Good riddance to most of it. It's a vast economic inefficiency.
New findings printed today in all papers and broadcast on ITV, Channel 4 and Channel 5 reveal that television is "virtually a mental vitamin" for intelligence and emotional well-being. In addition, it helps treat arrhythmia, psoriasis, tooth decay, distemper, dropsy, haemorrhoids and impotence, and lets you see through clothes.
The findings were revealed today by the study's funders, a consortium of commercial television broadcasters and newspaper proprietors. They have recommended that television and printed newspapers be made mandatory as a public health measure, and that the Internet be renamed "The Paedophile Channel" as a warning to possible users.
"The quick-fix nature of televisual gratification accumulates and quickly becomes permanent," said Dr Desmond Murdoch. "The artistic brilliance of thirty-second messages provides the viewer's necessary daily dose of thoughtful mental stimulation and wit.
"I met a scientist once," said Dr Murdoch. "Well, he said he was a scientist. He handed me a remarkably large cheque."
Further results from the research group are expected to include revelations that jaffa cakes, crisps and Coca-Cola are "fruit" for the purposes of achieving one's government-mandated five portions a day, and that snake oil liniment does all it is claimed to.
Indeed. I swear, I called it: it's easier to predict the holes when you release them yourself.
After what was expected to be an unusually quiet Patch Tuesday, Microsoft has released eight patches for applications with an insufficient number of security holes. "Our market is the enterprise," said Microsoft security marketer Jonathan Ness. "Information technology professionals know that Windows is the greatest IT job creation scheme in history. Without Patch Tuesday, there's no reason for the experienced IT worker to spend his time hiding out in the server room watching progress bars and getting over his hangover. Also, you can't tell people a virus ate their mail, you actually have to get it back for them."
Here's to competition! Intel make really rather fabulously good machines once someone's actually kicked their arse all over the market ...
As Microsoft continues to prepare for the 2009 2010 launch of Windows 7, it today issued a plea through its network of objective opinion-shapers: Don't let the journalists near it.
"We understand that many journalists use Macs," said CNet marketing marketer Don Reisinger. "This means they necessarily suckle at the Satanic rear passage of Steve Jobs. We cannot countenance their bias. Journalists are responsible for all those signs outside computer shops offering to replace Vista with XP. When was the last time you saw the entire technology field stop and wait for an announcement from any other company besides Apple? It's so unfair!"
Smears and slanders also come from obsessive overweight nerdy Mac-using Linux geek troublemakers who run "benchmarks" and "tests." "It's horrifying bias from the 'reality'-based community," said ZDNet marketing marketer Mary Jo Enderle. "We understand that, just because Vista was 40% slower than XP and Windows 7 is the same speed as Vista, the nattering nabobs of negativism are already writing press releases condemning it as 'not enough of an improvement.' It's so unfair!"
"Mactards are like concentration camp guards," said Guardian marketing marketer Jack Schofield, "brutalising 'I'm A PC' users and" [This comment has been removed by a Guardian moderator. Replies may also be deleted.]
"The only reason Vista failed was because Microsoft planned for it to fail," said Reisinger in an earlier ad-banner troll post. "It was a fantastically subtle double-bluff! They did the honorable thing in the face of the vile calumnies spread by Apple. It's so unfair!"
Microsoft will be debuting Windows 7 on a new 17" Asus Eee Ultra-Portable Mini-Netbook with 8GB memory and a 2GHz quad-core processor. Battery life is up to twenty minutes in preliminary tests.
There are already RISC netbooks available running MIPS and ARM. They're half the price of x86 netbooks and run a custom build of Linux ... but Firefox is identical. Because GNU/Linux is in fact identical on all platforms.
ARM and MIPS based laptops, for a given price point, will run cooler and faster than any x86 can. x86 chips these days are a RISC core with an instruction set interpreter on the front, but that interpreter is enough of a liability for the RISC to have the edge.
And you won't get Windows 7 on them.
I meant Microsoft's home turf: Windows and Office, the two products that actually make any money.
This has already been done: CinePaint.
Hence the recent court case with iBM.
Indeed. Mmm, redhead hippie girls ;-D Here, have a Charlie Dimmock!
Usual use case is reading docs sent to me in email.
When I can't be arsed with the two-ton OOo, KWrite does fine much faster.
There is that :-) My usual use case is a file emailed to me. I live in my Gmail.
There is that. But FF3 is reasonably reliable for it.
Does Google Apps work offline with Google Gears? (Haven't tried it.)
When I really can't be bothered starting the two-ton OpenOrifice, KWrite does just fine.
Google Apps is right there in my browser and doesn't take a minute to start.
Also, unlike OpenOrifice.org, actually using Google Apps isn't like eating a bowl of sawdust with milk on for breakfast every morning.
Linux is like the Mooncup: a nice idea, but messy and not for the squeamish. In fact, Linux can be likened to a Mooncup-using redhaired hippie girlfriend who lives in a house in the country she built herself from twigs and has very strong ideas on how everything should be and has all her original body hair. The sex is fantastic, but only if she thinks the astrological conditions are perfect. And the house has a hand-dug latrine, so she's propped a toilet bowl on top and thinks that's "user friendliness."
Windows, however, is like a nice normal bottle-blonde girlfriend who has a proper office job and dresses cleanly from Primark and has a sweet smile and lives in a proper bedsit and knows everyone and how to act normally and is accepted in society. She gets headaches a lot and fits of rage where she smashes everything and there's an odd smell of decaying human flesh coming from the drains and the toilet backs up every now and then filling the entire block with sewage and bits of bodies, but this is entirely normal and nothing to worry about.
This includes making competitors fight on their home turf - i.e., taking the battle to Windows and Office. So this still seems an odd move.
"In particular, Sun Microsystems licensed information about the format of Office files from Microsoft, to gain better compatibility."
[citation needed]
Arnie's from country Austria. His German-speaking accent is equivalent to a stereotypical hillbilly hick accent would be in English.
Yeah, I'm sure Arnie would have done even better on Facebook. "Join 'Amend der constitution for me.' 100,000 members. Dis time it's personalized."