Back in the day I used to talk to this guy named Cinematic on IRC. I stopped when one day he revealed to me he would put a felt-tip pen up his ass because he wanted a stinger.
I've heard many good things about the McIntosh recently, and my family and I decided we needed to buy a new computer to replace our old Windows machine. Having heard of its ease of use, we decided to go the McIntosh route. We recently purchased an 800 mHz G4, with OSX. We thought we were getting a good deal. But unfortunately things turned out quite different.
Upon putting together my McIntosh system we discovered that our mouse appeared the be broken. Although it wasn't cracked or shattered, it only had one button. When I spoke with our McIntosh dealer, we were told that the upgrade to a real two-button mouse would require more money. Apparently the mice with one button were only a "trial version" of the hardware. I feel that this is a very deceptive practice on Apple's part, and have written a letter to the Better Business Bureau to protest this. I felt as though I'd bought a car but to make it go past 35mph we'd have to pay more money!
Rather than pay the exhorbitant sum of money for a real mouse, I went to CompUSA and bought one out of my own pocket.
Strike one for McIntosh!
Secondly, one of the reasons that we went with McIntosh is because its new OS was based on the Linux kernel. Since my company uses Linux heavily (and its an OS I'm highly familiar with) I thought it would be nice to be able to run my work applications at home. Imagine my shock upon hearing that McIntosh was actually based on an incompatible fork of Linux - a fork known as BSD. Since our computers at work ran Linux - and not BSD - it was clear that I'd be unable to compile them on my Apple! Strike two for McIntosh.
The final straw came last night. I received an email from a friend alerting me to numerous holes in Microsoft's Internet Explorer. When I went to MS' home page to download a patch http://www.microsoft.com/windows/ie/downloads/crit ical/q321232/default.asp), I was stunned to see this patch only applies to Windows machines! Given the tiny user base of McIntosh, apparently software patches aren't made frequently - if at all - for McIntosh. I refuse to use an OS that is as ridden with holes as swiss cheese. Thus I'm going to be returning my McIntosh and purchasing a Windows XP box.
I hope this message reaches someone at McIntosh headquarters. Maybe their CEO, Steve Ballmer, will get this and fix their business practices. Until such changes are made, however, I fear that McIntosh will continue to be a bit player in the computer world.
I've heard many good things about the McIntosh recently, and my family and I decided we needed to buy a new computer to replace our old Windows machine. Having heard of its ease of use, we decided to go the McIntosh route. We recently purchased an 800 mHz G4, with OSX. We thought we were getting a good deal. But unfortunately things turned out quite different.
Upon putting together my McIntosh system we discovered that our mouse appeared the be broken. Although it wasn't cracked or shattered, it only had one button. When I spoke with our McIntosh dealer, we were told that the upgrade to a real two-button mouse would require more money. Apparently the mice with one button were only a "trial version" of the hardware. I feel that this is a very deceptive practice on Apple's part, and have written a letter to the Better Business Bureau to protest this. I felt as though I'd bought a car but to make it go past 35mph we'd have to pay more money!
Rather than pay the exhorbitant sum of money for a real mouse, I went to CompUSA and bought one out of my own pocket.
Strike one for McIntosh!
Secondly, one of the reasons that we went with McIntosh is because its new OS was based on the Linux kernel. Since my company uses Linux heavily (and its an OS I'm highly familiar with) I thought it would be nice to be able to run my work applications at home. Imagine my shock upon hearing that McIntosh was actually based on an incompatible fork of Linux - a fork known as BSD. Since our computers at work ran Linux - and not BSD - it was clear that I'd be unable to compile them on my Apple! Strike two for McIntosh.
The final straw came last night. I received an email from a friend alerting me to numerous holes in Microsoft's Internet Explorer. When I went to MS' home page to download a patch http://www.microsoft.com/windows/ie/downloads/crit ical/q321232/default.asp), I was stunned to see this patch only applies to Windows machines! Given the tiny user base of McIntosh, apparently software patches aren't made frequently - if at all - for McIntosh. I refuse to use an OS that is as ridden with holes as swiss cheese. Thus I'm going to be returning my McIntosh and purchasing a Windows XP box.
I hope this message reaches someone at McIntosh headquarters. Maybe their CEO, Steve Ballmer, will get this and fix their business practices. Until such changes are made, however, I fear that McIntosh will continue to be a bit player in the computer world.
Wasn't Dr. Villanueva the little midget who ran up shouting "De plane! De plane!" on Fantasy Island? I loved his work, but I thought he shot himself several years ago. Glad to hear that was just a rumor.
The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on some BBS or other, explaining how to make a lifelike, artificial vagina "out of common household products." Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.) I was intrigued. The guy who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a mailing tube, a string, and a balloon. Basically, you lower the balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the balloon down the length of the tube. He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down and licking it for a while, then standing up and fucking it.
I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the advanced applications, though, which include sticking a dildo up your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of the tube. Another time, maybe. But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make, reasonable facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description made fun reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to download his file(called IWACK1.ZIP).
So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look as authentic as his, and it takes more preparation, but I think it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and the PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy. You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if you're so inclined.
CONTENTS:
1- Registration
2- Materials two boxes)
* Sturdy rubber band
* Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)
* Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video, gif, or virtual form
CONSTRUCTION:
1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about 11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work, with clever modifications.
2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes). Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most satisfactory.
3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to use too much; use just enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and stir well. Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.
4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about 1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in a diner is enough). Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the microwave should do it.
5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1. Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in. This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole down the center with something long and moderately thin (I use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think.
6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close your eyes and probe, slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY like a wet pussy hole, or what?
7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.
8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly over the mouth of the jar. Fasten it tightly with the rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)
HOW TO USE:
1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each other. Make an identical pile next to the first, leaving a 12-inch space between the two piles.
2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this possibility.
3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two cushion piles.
4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the other, dick dangling in the space between. Now, gaze lovingly at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.
HINTS AND TECHNIQUES:
* Before you get started, check with your finger to make sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature. You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person. Push your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm, cuntlike temperature.
* The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a time when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles 'suspension of disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.
* Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the hard sides or bottom of the thing at a crucial moment.
* Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when you withdraw on the out-strokes.
* Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice. Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating effect. It's not generally recognized that grease and oils actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely perfect effect is achieved by adding just a tiny amount of butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before first penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural lubrication that leaks from your dick feels closer to authentic vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.
* Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines on the floor in front of you, or display a particularly fascinating.AVI, or make sure the VCR is cued up and the remote is handy. One of the real joys of using PseudoCunt is that it leaves both hands free to work the VCR remote or languidly browse through magazines, savoring the tight cunt sucking wetly at your dick with each slight movement of your hips. With careful preparation it's a damned comfortable position, and you can just lie there for as long as you please, indulging as many fantasies as your self-control will allow.
* For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt hole to adjust to the proper diameter.
* Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly, and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and incrementally warmer. The sensation is fabulous if prolonged. I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm just at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge to the bottom and blast my sperm into the tight warmth deep down inside.
* Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect. Porn videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll put on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape I made by concealing the microphone in the headboard of the bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should consider trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting grunts and screams of a woman you know). The rest are recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.
* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may seem truly bizarre behavior, it feels incredibly good. Get hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your dick throb and ooze.
TROUBLESHOOTING
If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most likely lies in your choice of materials, or lack of attention to proper construction techniques.
Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:
Too hot for comfort
If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very unpleasant surprise.
Not warm enough
If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more evenly, make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and place a wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]
These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated use of your PseudoCunt between washings, unless you're too squeamish for sloppy seconds.
It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.
Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal
This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means:
1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.
2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep the spaghetti in place on the out strokes.
3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large. Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent tearing.
PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises
You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang-banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to clean it out and start over again at Step 2.
Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this could be regarded as a design feature rather than a problem.
Greasy stains on sofa cushions
My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on the spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later, then calling in a professional furniture cleaner to finish the job. I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a towel over thleading edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.
Fetid stench
Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless mold and bacteria growth play an essential role in your sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not recommended beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.
WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT
No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy remedies most teens invent to draw off excess spunk. One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At the risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best orgasms I've ever had.Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical or psychological reasons not to masturbate, and can't help wondering if the world might not be a better place if more people did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.
Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean? If you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it enhances your own secret fantasies as much as it does mine. If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it for others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting, why did you read this far?
Recently I've been introduced to an operating system known as Linux. Lured by its low cost, I replaced Windows 98 on my computer with Linux. Unfortunately the more I use it the more I fear that this "Linux" may be an insidious way for the Dark One to gain a stronger foothold here on Earth. I know this may be a shocking claim, but I have evidence to back it up!
To begin with, Linux runs numerous background processes. These processes are usettlingly termed "demons." Furthermore in order to start or stop these "demons" a user must execute a command called "finger". By "fingering" a "demon" one excercises an unholy power, much the same way that the Lord of Flies controls his black minions.
Also consider some of these other Linux commands: "sleep", "mount", "unzip", "strip" and "touch". All highly suggestive in a sexual nature. I know that our Lord cannot approve of these, and I urge them to be renamed to something appropriate to the Christian community.
Third, Linux uses a flavor of DOS known as Bash. Bash is an acronym for "Bourne Again Shell". On the surface this would appear to be supportive of the Lord. However, remember that even Satan can quote the bible for his own purposes! While I believe Linux may be born-again, its obvious by the misspelling of "born" that its not born-again in an Christian church. Will the lies ever cease?
Additionally, one of the main people involved with the GNU Free Software Foundation supports contraception and abortion. His web site even advocates government support of contraception. He also wears fake halos, and has quips about his made-up church that relates to his free software. I find such blasphemy to be extremely unsettling.
One must also remember that the creator of Linux, a college student named Linux Torvaldis, comes from Finland. I'm sure all the followers of Christ are aware of the heritical nature of the Finnish: from necrophilia to human sacrifice, Finnish culture is awash in sin. I find little reason to believe anything good and holy could arise from this evil land.
Finally, let us remember that there is an alternative to using the Satan-powered Linux. I think history has shown us that Microsoft is quite holy. I'm told that its founder, William Gates is a strong supporter of our Lord and I encourage my fellow Christians to buy only his products to help keep the Devil at bay.
I wish I had more time to expound upon my findings. Unfortunately a family of Jews has moved in across the street and I must go speak to them of Jesus Christ before they are condemned to eternal hellfire. Please investigate this as you see fit and I'm sure you'll reach the same conclusions that I have.
The GNU Turd is the GNU project's replacement for the Unix kernel. The Turd is a collection of servers that run on the Mach microkernel to implement file systems, network protocols, file access control, and other features that are implemented by the Unix kernel or similar kernels (such as Linux).
Currently, the Turd runs on IA32 machines. The Turd should, and probably will, be ported to other hardware architectures or other microkernels in the future.
Advantages of the Turd
The Turd is not the most advanced kernel known to the planet (yet), but it does have a number of enticing features: it's free software. Anybody can use, modify, and redistribute it under the terms of the GNU General Public License (GPL).
it's compatible. The Turd provides a familiar programming and user environment. For all intents and purposes, the Turd is a modern Unix-like kernel. The Turd uses the GNU C Library, whose development closely tracks standards such as ANSI/ISO, BSD, POSIX, Single Unix, SVID, and X/Open.
it's built to survive. Unlike other popular kernel software, the Turd has an object-oriented structure that allows it to evolve without compromising its design. This structure will help the Turd undergo major redesign and modifications without having to be entirely rewritten.
it's scalable. The Turd implementation is aggressively multithreaded so that it runs efficiently on both single processors and symmetric multiprocessors. The Turd interfaces are designed to allow transparent network clusters (collectives), although this feature has not yet been implemented.
it's extensible. The Turd is an attractive platform for learning how to become a kernel hacker or for implementing new ideas in kernel technology. Every part of the system is designed to be modified and extended.
it's stable. It is possible to develop and test new Turd kernel components without rebooting the machine (not even accidentally). Running your own kernel components doesn't interfere with other users, and so no special system privileges are required. The mechanism for kernel extensions is secure by design: it is impossible to impose your changes upon other users unless they authorize them or you are the system administrator.
it exists. The Turd is real software that works Right Now. It is not a research project or a proposal. You don't have to wait at all before you can start using and developing it.
What the Turd means
According to Thomas Bushnell, BSG, the primary architect of the Turd: `Turd' stands for `Tird of Unix-Replacing Daemons'. And, then, `Tird' stands for `Turd of Interfaces Representing Depth'. We have here, to my knowledge, the first software to be named by a pair of mutually recursive acronyms.
Status of the project
The Turd, together with the GNU Mach microkernel, the GNU C Library and the other GNU programs, provides a rather complete and usable operating system today. It is not ready for production use, as there are still many bugs and missing features. However, it should be a good base for further development and non-critical application usage. GNU/Turd is completely self-contained (you can compile all parts of the Turd system from GNU/Turd itself). You can run several GNU/Turd systems in parallel, and debug even critical servers in another GNU/Turd with gdb. You can run the X window system, applications that use it, and advanced server applications like the Apache webserver. On the negative side, the support for character devices (like sound cards) and other hardware is mostly missing. Although the POSIX interface is provided, some additional interfaces like POSIX threads, shared memories or semaphores are still under development. All this applies to the current development version, and not to the last release (0.2). We encourage everybody who is interested to try out the latest development version, and send feedback to the Turd developers.
Hanzo-san you turd burglar, there's still a few dingleberries dangling from my hairy ass. Get your teeth back up there and finish nibbling them off. Then you can go back to posting to Slashdot, capice?
Much like Lindows was stolen from MS, so too was its TCP/IP stack stolen by the BSD team. The BSD team has gone to great lengths to obfuscate this fact, but a quick search on Google will turn up the correct facts: Basically, BSD stole the DOS TCP/IP stack from Microsoft. Mr Gates was kind enough to not sue, as he felt it would be better for the entire computer community.
Unfortunately BSD hasn't been so generous and refuses to admit where the got their code from. Shame on you, BSD. Shame!
I would like to take a minute out to dispel a rumor that has been oozing around the Internet for quite sometime. This is a foul and insidious bit of gossip that's only used to provoke a negative reaction from people. Perhaps you've heard this rumor: That women use the Internet.
Now, this thought is quite patently absurd. To begin with, women simply aren't smart enough to use it. A woman's mind is pre-programmed, if you will, to cook and care for children and little else. Working with a global network of computers is simply not in her genes. When put in front of a computer, your typical woman will stare at it before attempting to use it to prepare dinner for her hard-working husband.
Of course monkey's have been taught sign-language, so it is theoretically possible that a woman, guided by the all-powerful mind of a man, might be able to use some of the more simplistic features of America Online. Perhaps sending a rudimentary instant messange asking how to clean a pair of her spouse's slacks. But lets enter the realm of imagination for a moment and we'll see why even if they had the mental ability to use the Internet, most little ladies still wouldn't.
The reason for this is that most women simply lack the desire. All women find the greatest joy in life to be spent in the kitchen preparing a wholesome dinner, or in the bedroom serving her husband. While some women may dispute this, its a scientific fact that this is just a coy game some women play to attract a mate. Deep inside they all crave the glowing warmth that comes making a roast beef in a Crock Pot.
So the next time you hear someone claiming to be a "woman" on the Internet, think twice. I am saddened to say this, but most likely it is nothing more than a homosexual attempting to get his jollies with this immoral act. Remember what Egg Troll says: On the Internet, the men are men...and so are the women.
Thank you.
[Ed. Note - It has since come to my attention that there have been reported sightings of women using the Internet. However, in all cases these women turned out to be lesbians. So if you should see a woman using the Internet, she will invariably be a dyke.]
Here are your recent submissions to Slashdot, and their status within the system:
2001-11-18 05:34:01 Where Can I Get a Windows XP Crack? (askslashdot,xmas) (rejected) 2001-11-25 01:57:29 Ask a Troll! (interviews,news) (rejected) 2001-12-02 00:52:00 Linux: A Giant Turd! (articles,linux) (rejected) 2001-12-09 04:12:43 GPL: Intellectual Protection or Intellectual Theft (articles,announce) (rejected) 2001-12-12 20:36:14 Jon Katz: Asshobbit or Cockgnome? (articles,editorial) (rejected) 2001-12-24 01:51:51 Hydrophobia and Nerds (science,ed) (rejected) 2001-12-30 02:41:46 Which Slashdot editor has a thing for transexuals? (articles,xmas) (rejected) 2002-05-04 20:06:04 Masturbating at Work? (askslashdot,ed) (rejected) 2002-05-11 21:21:15 Fastest way to remove Linux from my PC (articles,linux) 2002-05-17 01:19:40 Jon Katz: Pederast? (science,announce) (rejected)
Please note that the article entitled "Fastest way to remove Linux from my PC" has not been rejected. It appears that the editors have finally realized what snakeoil the Gnu/Linux OS is and are considering my article on how to remove it from ones PC. For once I applaud Taco & others. Congrats for doing the right thing!
Its come to my attention that Slashdot's very own Jon Katz, is a registered sex offender in several states. I believe that given the number of underage readers on Slashdot, a disclaimer should be attached to all of his posts.
Slashdot Mirror
Back in the day I used to talk to this guy named Cinematic on IRC. I stopped when one day he revealed to me he would put a felt-tip pen up his ass because he wanted a stinger.
I've heard many good things about the McIntosh recently, and my family and I decided we needed to buy a new computer to replace our old Windows machine. Having heard of its ease of use, we decided to go the McIntosh route. We recently purchased an 800 mHz G4, with OSX. We thought we were getting a good deal. But unfortunately things turned out quite different.
t ical/q321232/default.asp), I was stunned to see this patch only applies to Windows machines! Given the tiny user base of McIntosh, apparently software patches aren't made frequently - if at all - for McIntosh. I refuse to use an OS that is as ridden with holes as swiss cheese. Thus I'm going to be returning my McIntosh and purchasing a Windows XP box.
Upon putting together my McIntosh system we discovered that our mouse appeared the be broken. Although it wasn't cracked or shattered, it only had one button. When I spoke with our McIntosh dealer, we were told that the upgrade to a real two-button mouse would require more money. Apparently the mice with one button were only a "trial version" of the hardware. I feel that this is a very deceptive practice on Apple's part, and have written a letter to the Better Business Bureau to protest this. I felt as though I'd bought a car but to make it go past 35mph we'd have to pay more money!
Rather than pay the exhorbitant sum of money for a real mouse, I went to CompUSA and bought one out of my own pocket.
Strike one for McIntosh!
Secondly, one of the reasons that we went with McIntosh is because its new OS was based on the Linux kernel. Since my company uses Linux heavily (and its an OS I'm highly familiar with) I thought it would be nice to be able to run my work applications at home. Imagine my shock
upon hearing that McIntosh was actually based on an incompatible fork of Linux - a fork known as BSD. Since our computers at work ran Linux - and not BSD - it was clear that I'd be unable to compile them on my Apple! Strike two for McIntosh.
The final straw came last night. I received an email from a friend alerting me to numerous holes in Microsoft's Internet Explorer. When I went to MS' home page to download a patch http://www.microsoft.com/windows/ie/downloads/cri
I hope this message reaches someone at McIntosh headquarters. Maybe their CEO, Steve Ballmer, will get this and fix their business practices. Until such changes are made, however, I fear that McIntosh will continue to be a bit player in the computer world.
Thank you for your time,
Egg Troll
I've heard many good things about the McIntosh recently, and my family and I decided we needed to buy a new computer to replace our old Windows machine. Having heard of its ease of use, we decided to go the McIntosh route. We recently purchased an 800 mHz G4, with OSX. We thought we were getting a good deal. But unfortunately things turned out quite different.
t ical/q321232/default.asp), I was stunned to see this patch only applies to Windows machines! Given the tiny user base of McIntosh, apparently software patches aren't made frequently - if at all - for McIntosh. I refuse to use an OS that is as ridden with holes as swiss cheese. Thus I'm going to be returning my McIntosh and purchasing a Windows XP box.
Upon putting together my McIntosh system we discovered that our mouse appeared the be broken. Although it wasn't cracked or shattered, it only had one button. When I spoke with our McIntosh dealer, we were told that the upgrade to a real two-button mouse would require more money. Apparently the mice with one button were only a "trial version" of the hardware. I feel that this is a very deceptive practice on Apple's part, and have written a letter to the Better Business Bureau to protest this. I felt as though I'd bought a car but to make it go past 35mph we'd have to pay more money!
Rather than pay the exhorbitant sum of money for a real mouse, I went to CompUSA and bought one out of my own pocket.
Strike one for McIntosh!
Secondly, one of the reasons that we went with McIntosh is because its new OS was based on the Linux kernel. Since my company uses Linux heavily (and its an OS I'm highly familiar with) I thought it would be nice to be able to run my work applications at home. Imagine my shock
upon hearing that McIntosh was actually based on an incompatible fork of Linux - a fork known as BSD. Since our computers at work ran Linux - and not BSD - it was clear that I'd be unable to compile them on my Apple! Strike two for McIntosh.
The final straw came last night. I received an email from a friend alerting me to numerous holes in Microsoft's Internet Explorer. When I went to MS' home page to download a patch http://www.microsoft.com/windows/ie/downloads/cri
I hope this message reaches someone at McIntosh headquarters. Maybe their CEO, Steve Ballmer, will get this and fix their business practices. Until such changes are made, however, I fear that McIntosh will continue to be a bit player in the computer world.
Thank you for your time,
Egg Troll
Stallman is a GNU/Fucking ass. Please use the correct terminology. Thank you.
RMS?
Wasn't Dr. Villanueva the little midget who ran up shouting "De plane! De plane!" on Fantasy Island? I loved his work, but I thought he shot himself several years ago. Glad to hear that was just a rumor.
I thought the funniest geek joke was that Linux works on the desktop?
So aside from that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
I would hope it was his own, otherwise we'd be having some kinda loogie/bukkake festival.
This page was generatred by a Swarm of Homo Monkeys
I can't say that I ever have seen this. Can you send me $20 and a bag of weed so I may try this out?
I take this first post in the glorious name of the Community of Logged-In Trolls. You, good sir, may return to the playground with the other children.
The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on some BBS or other, explaining how to make a lifelike, artificial vagina "out of common household products." Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.) I was intrigued. The guy who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a mailing tube, a string, and a balloon. Basically, you lower the balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the balloon down the length of the tube. He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down and licking it for a while, then standing up and fucking it.
I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the advanced applications, though, which include sticking a dildo up your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of the tube. Another time, maybe. But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make, reasonable facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description made fun reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to download his file(called IWACK1.ZIP).
So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look as authentic as his, and it takes more preparation, but I think it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and the PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels
just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy. You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if you're so inclined.
CONTENTS:
1- Registration
2- Materials two boxes)
* Sturdy rubber band
* Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)
* Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video,
gif, or virtual form
CONSTRUCTION:
1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about 11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work, with clever modifications.
2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes).
Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most satisfactory.
3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to use too much; use just enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and stir well. Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.
4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about 1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in a diner is enough). Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the microwave should do it.
5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1. Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in. This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole down the center with something long and moderately thin (I use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue
packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think.
6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or
margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close your eyes and probe, slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY like a wet pussy hole, or what?
7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.
8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly over the mouth of the jar. Fasten it tightly with the rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the
obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)
HOW TO USE:
1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each other. Make an identical pile next to the first, leaving a 12-inch space between the two piles.
2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this possibility.
3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two cushion piles.
4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the other, dick dangling in the space between. Now, gaze lovingly at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.
HINTS AND TECHNIQUES:
* Before you get started, check with your finger to make sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature. You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person. Push your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm, cuntlike temperature.
* The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a time when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a
fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles 'suspension of disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and
finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.
* Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the hard sides or bottom of the thing at a crucial moment.
* Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when
you withdraw on the out-strokes.
* Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice. Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating effect. It's not generally recognized that grease and oils actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely perfect effect is achieved by adding just a tiny amount of butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before first penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural lubrication that leaks from your dick feels closer to authentic vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.
* Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines on the floor in front of you, or display a particularly fascinating
* For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt hole to adjust to the proper diameter.
* Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly, and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and incrementally warmer. The sensation is fabulous if prolonged. I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm just at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge to the bottom and blast my sperm into the tight warmth deep down inside.
* Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect. Porn videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll put on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape I made by concealing the microphone in the headboard of the bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should consider trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting grunts and screams of a woman you know). The rest are recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.
* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may seem truly bizarre behavior, it feels incredibly good. Get hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties
and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your dick throb and ooze.
TROUBLESHOOTING
If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most likely lies in your choice of materials, or lack of attention to proper construction techniques.
Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:
Too hot for comfort
If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very unpleasant surprise.
Not warm enough
If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more evenly, make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and place a wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]
These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated use of your PseudoCunt between washings, unless you're too squeamish for sloppy seconds.
It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.
Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal
This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means:
1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.
2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep the spaghetti in place on the out strokes.
3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large. Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent tearing.
PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises
You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang-banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to clean it out and start over again at Step 2.
Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this could be regarded as a design feature rather than a problem.
Greasy stains on sofa cushions
My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on the spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later, then calling in a professional furniture cleaner to finish the job. I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a towel over thleading edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.
Fetid stench
Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless mold and bacteria growth play an essential role in your sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not recommended beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.
WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT
No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy remedies most teens invent to draw off excess spunk. One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At the risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best orgasms I've ever had.Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical or psychological reasons not to masturbate, and can't help wondering if the world might not be a better place if more people did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.
Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean? If you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it enhances your own secret fantasies as much as it does mine. If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it for others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting, why did you read this far?
Hello,
Recently I've been introduced to an operating system known as Linux.
Lured by its low cost, I replaced Windows 98 on my computer with
Linux. Unfortunately the more I use it the more I fear that this
"Linux" may be an insidious way for the Dark One to gain a stronger
foothold here on Earth. I know this may be a shocking claim, but I
have evidence to back it up!
To begin with, Linux runs numerous background processes. These
processes are usettlingly termed "demons." Furthermore in order to
start or stop these "demons" a user must execute a command called
"finger". By "fingering" a "demon" one excercises an unholy power,
much the same way that the Lord of Flies controls his black minions.
Also consider some of these other Linux commands: "sleep", "mount",
"unzip", "strip" and "touch". All highly suggestive in a sexual
nature. I know that our Lord cannot approve of these, and I urge them
to be renamed to something appropriate to the Christian community.
Third, Linux uses a flavor of DOS known as Bash. Bash is an acronym
for "Bourne Again Shell". On the surface this would appear to be
supportive of the Lord. However, remember that even Satan can quote
the bible for his own purposes! While I believe Linux may be
born-again, its obvious by the misspelling of "born" that its not
born-again in an Christian church. Will the lies ever cease?
Additionally, one of the main people involved with the GNU Free
Software Foundation supports contraception and abortion. His web site
even advocates government support of contraception. He also wears fake
halos, and has quips about his made-up church that relates to his free
software. I find such blasphemy to be extremely unsettling.
One must also remember that the creator of Linux, a college student
named Linux Torvaldis, comes from Finland. I'm sure all the followers
of Christ are aware of the heritical nature of the Finnish: from
necrophilia to human sacrifice, Finnish culture is awash in sin. I
find little reason to believe anything good and holy could arise from
this evil land.
Finally, let us remember that there is an alternative to using the
Satan-powered Linux. I think history has shown us that Microsoft is
quite holy. I'm told that its founder, William Gates is a strong
supporter of our Lord and I encourage my fellow Christians to buy only
his products to help keep the Devil at bay.
I wish I had more time to expound upon my findings. Unfortunately a
family of Jews has moved in across the street and I must go speak to
them of Jesus Christ before they are condemned to eternal hellfire.
Please investigate this as you see fit and I'm sure you'll reach the
same conclusions that I have.
Thank you for your time,
Egg Troll
Linux
OpenBSD
FreeBSD
NetBSD
*BSD
HURD
and anything else infected with the GPL!
What about the turd known as Slashcode? While not rivalling Titanic, it is a disaster.
Slashdot is fucked! Either the code finally gave up the ghost or a clever person figured out something neat! Haha!
Introduction to the Turd
The GNU Turd is the GNU project's replacement for the Unix kernel. The Turd is a collection of servers that run on the Mach microkernel to implement file systems, network protocols, file access control, and other features that are implemented by the Unix kernel or similar kernels (such as Linux).
Currently, the Turd runs on IA32 machines. The Turd should, and probably will, be ported to other hardware architectures or other microkernels in the future.
Advantages of the Turd
The Turd is not the most advanced kernel known to the planet (yet), but it does have a number of enticing features:
it's free software. Anybody can use, modify, and redistribute it under the terms of the GNU General Public License (GPL).
it's compatible. The Turd provides a familiar programming and user environment. For all intents and purposes, the Turd is a modern Unix-like kernel. The Turd uses the GNU C Library, whose development closely tracks standards such as ANSI/ISO, BSD, POSIX, Single Unix, SVID, and X/Open.
it's built to survive. Unlike other popular kernel software, the Turd has an object-oriented structure that allows it to evolve without compromising its design. This structure will help the Turd undergo major redesign and modifications without having to be entirely rewritten.
it's scalable. The Turd implementation is aggressively multithreaded so that it runs efficiently on both single processors and symmetric multiprocessors. The Turd interfaces are designed to allow transparent network clusters (collectives), although this feature has not yet been implemented.
it's extensible. The Turd is an attractive platform for learning how to become a kernel hacker or for implementing new ideas in kernel technology. Every part of the system is designed to be modified and extended.
it's stable. It is possible to develop and test new Turd kernel components without rebooting the machine (not even accidentally). Running your own kernel components doesn't interfere with other users, and so no special system privileges are required. The mechanism for kernel extensions is secure by design: it is impossible to impose your changes upon other users unless they authorize them or you are the system administrator.
it exists. The Turd is real software that works Right Now. It is not a research project or a proposal. You don't have to wait at all before you can start using and developing it.
What the Turd means
According to Thomas Bushnell, BSG, the primary architect of the Turd:
`Turd' stands for `Tird of Unix-Replacing Daemons'. And, then, `Tird' stands for `Turd of Interfaces Representing Depth'. We have here, to my knowledge, the first software to be named by a pair of mutually recursive acronyms.
Status of the project
The Turd, together with the GNU Mach microkernel, the GNU C Library and the other GNU programs, provides a rather complete and usable operating system today. It is not ready for production use, as there are still many bugs and missing features. However, it should be a good base for further development and non-critical application usage.
GNU/Turd is completely self-contained (you can compile all parts of the Turd system from GNU/Turd itself). You can run several GNU/Turd systems in parallel, and debug even critical servers in another GNU/Turd with gdb. You can run the X window system, applications that use it, and advanced server applications like the Apache webserver.
On the negative side, the support for character devices (like sound cards) and other hardware is mostly missing. Although the POSIX interface is provided, some additional interfaces like POSIX threads, shared memories or semaphores are still under development.
All this applies to the current development version, and not to the last release (0.2). We encourage everybody who is interested to try out the latest development version, and send feedback to the Turd developers.
We went to the park the other day
But the park was closed, we walked away
We brought many things to eat
Fruits and soda, even meat
But we have to wait
We were told the park was beautiful
We were told the park was so nice
Someday we'll go back again
We'll have a party, please bring your friends
We'll have lots of things to eat
Fruits and soda, even meat
We'll have a party then
Hanzo-san you turd burglar, there's still a few dingleberries dangling from my hairy ass. Get your teeth back up there and finish nibbling them off. Then you can go back to posting to Slashdot, capice?
Much like Lindows was stolen from MS, so too was its TCP/IP stack stolen by the BSD team. The BSD team has gone to great lengths to obfuscate this fact, but a quick search on Google will turn up the correct facts: Basically, BSD stole the DOS TCP/IP stack from Microsoft. Mr Gates was kind enough to not sue, as he felt it would be better for the entire computer community.
Unfortunately BSD hasn't been so generous and refuses to admit where the got their code from. Shame on you, BSD. Shame!
I would like to take a minute out to dispel a rumor that has been oozing around the Internet for quite sometime. This is a foul and insidious bit of gossip that's only used to provoke a negative reaction from people. Perhaps you've heard this rumor: That women use the Internet.
Now, this thought is quite patently absurd. To begin with, women simply aren't smart enough to use it. A woman's mind is pre-programmed, if you will, to cook and care for children and little else. Working with a global network of computers is simply not in her genes. When put in front of a computer, your typical woman will stare at it before attempting to use it to prepare dinner for her hard-working husband.
Of course monkey's have been taught sign-language, so it is theoretically possible that a woman, guided by the all-powerful mind of a man, might be able to use some of the more simplistic features of America Online. Perhaps sending a rudimentary instant messange asking how to clean a pair of her spouse's slacks. But lets enter the realm of imagination for a moment and we'll see why even if they had the mental ability to use the Internet, most little ladies still wouldn't.
The reason for this is that most women simply lack the desire. All women find the greatest joy in life to be spent in the kitchen preparing a wholesome dinner, or in the bedroom serving her husband. While some women may dispute this, its a scientific fact that this is just a coy game some women play to attract a mate. Deep inside they all crave the glowing warmth that comes making a roast beef in a Crock Pot.
So the next time you hear someone claiming to be a "woman" on the Internet, think twice. I am saddened to say this, but most likely it is nothing more than a homosexual attempting to get his jollies with this immoral act. Remember what Egg Troll says: On the Internet, the men are men...and so are the women.
Thank you.
[Ed. Note - It has since come to my attention that there have been reported sightings of women using the Internet. However, in all cases these women turned out to be lesbians. So if you should see a woman using the Internet, she will invariably be a dyke.]
Here are your recent submissions to Slashdot, and their status within the system:
2001-11-18 05:34:01 Where Can I Get a Windows XP Crack? (askslashdot,xmas) (rejected)
2001-11-25 01:57:29 Ask a Troll! (interviews,news) (rejected)
2001-12-02 00:52:00 Linux: A Giant Turd! (articles,linux) (rejected)
2001-12-09 04:12:43 GPL: Intellectual Protection or Intellectual Theft (articles,announce) (rejected)
2001-12-12 20:36:14 Jon Katz: Asshobbit or Cockgnome? (articles,editorial) (rejected)
2001-12-24 01:51:51 Hydrophobia and Nerds (science,ed) (rejected)
2001-12-30 02:41:46 Which Slashdot editor has a thing for transexuals? (articles,xmas) (rejected)
2002-05-04 20:06:04 Masturbating at Work? (askslashdot,ed) (rejected)
2002-05-11 21:21:15 Fastest way to remove Linux from my PC (articles,linux)
2002-05-17 01:19:40 Jon Katz: Pederast? (science,announce) (rejected)
Please note that the article entitled "Fastest way to remove Linux from my PC" has not been rejected. It appears that the editors have finally realized what snakeoil the Gnu/Linux OS is and are considering my article on how to remove it from ones PC. For once I applaud Taco & others. Congrats for doing the right thing!
Its come to my attention that Slashdot's very own Jon Katz, is a registered sex offender in several states. I believe that given the number of underage readers on Slashdot, a disclaimer should be attached to all of his posts.
nope. i'm not lame enough to post props AC.