Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
CRACK WHORE A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
HAVANA OMELET A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
WATERMELON A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Oh say can you rock There's trouble in a far off nation Time to get in love formation Your love is more deadly than Saddam That's why I got to drop the bomb
Yvan eht noij x4
This party is happenin' It's no mirage So say it again: Yvan eht noij x2
Join the Navy x3
Had a girl in every port From here to Barcelona But now I'm docked in Springfield And girl, I'm gonna phone ya
Stormed a lot of beaches But you're the one that I miss Let's get back together girl Let's reenlist
So sign me up For a hitch of love Recruit my heart Four sweet years of love
They march all day And clean latrines all night Don't bust me down Let's re-up tonight x2
Found this out last weekend. DON'T take an anti-diarrhea medication and then eat Indian food. Bad news.
are you a rules girl?
on
Social Robot?
·
· Score: -1
"The Rules"
1. Be a "creature unlike any other."
2. Don't talk to a man first (and don't ask him to dance).
3. Don't meet him halfway or go dutch with him on a date.
4. Don't call him and rarely return his phone calls.
5. Always end phone calls first.
6. Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday.
7. Always end the date first.
8. Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentines day.
9. Don't see him more than once or twice a week.
10. No more than casual kissing on the first date.
11. Don't tell him what to do.
12. Don't expect a man to change or try to change him.
13. Don't open up too fast.
14. Don't date a married man.
15. Be easy to live with.
16. Don't stare at men or talk too much.
17. Don't live with a man (or leave your things in his apartment).
18. Even if you're engaged or married, you still need the rules.
19. Do the Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!
20. Be Smart and other rules for dating in high school.
21. Take Care of yourself and other Rules for dating in college.
22. Next! And other Rules for dealing with Rejection.
23. Don't discuss the Rules with your therapist.
24. Don't break the Rules.
25. Do the Rules and you'll live happily ever after.
26. Love only those who love you.
I saw Nightline on ABC last night and they did the show on Grand Theft Auto III and its effects on society. It was rather interesting, they had a police officer on there describing how he felt while they showed the main character of the game beating on a cop with a baseball bat and shooting the ones that arrived soon after.
It frightens me that we allow these sort of games to be played by our youth, one of the things that the show focused on. With all of the hate and violence we already have in our society, games like this, Postal, and Doom may be all it takes to trigger a mass murderer. One fellow had a great point: why take the chance when there are already so many great games out there that don't involve going on a killing spree?
I'm not normally one to advocate the government intervening in our lives, but the fact that there were four thirteen year olds on the show playing the game and describing how fun it was to kill the prostitute after her 'sex act' to regain their money frightened me, and makes me think that even though we live in a free society sometimes we need to curb our liberties to guard our safety.
Slashdot Mirror
what about that tool?
yeah baby, yeah!
i mean it!
Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
CRACK WHORE A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
HAVANA OMELET A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
WATERMELON A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
I piss on Mecca. I menstruate on the Koran. I shit on Mohammed.BR
That's funny? It's not even the first beowulf cluster comment on this story. jeez.
TIME TO SWAB THE POOP-DECK!
gaa gaa
If only you would have used the term "b0xen" this would have been a perfect post.
Oh say can you rock
There's trouble in a far off nation
Time to get in love formation
Your love is more deadly than Saddam
That's why I got to drop the bomb
Yvan eht noij x4
This party is happenin'
It's no mirage
So say it again:
Yvan eht noij x2
Join the Navy x3
Had a girl in every port
From here to Barcelona
But now I'm docked in Springfield
And girl, I'm gonna phone ya
Stormed a lot of beaches
But you're the one that I miss
Let's get back together girl
Let's reenlist
So sign me up
For a hitch of love
Recruit my heart
Four sweet years of love
They march all day
And clean latrines all night
Don't bust me down
Let's re-up tonight x2
Found this out last weekend. DON'T take an anti-diarrhea medication and then eat Indian food. Bad news.
"The Rules"
1. Be a "creature unlike any other."
2. Don't talk to a man first (and don't ask him to dance).
3. Don't meet him halfway or go dutch with him on a date.
4. Don't call him and rarely return his phone calls.
5. Always end phone calls first.
6. Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday.
7. Always end the date first.
8. Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentines day.
9. Don't see him more than once or twice a week.
10. No more than casual kissing on the first date.
11. Don't tell him what to do.
12. Don't expect a man to change or try to change him.
13. Don't open up too fast.
14. Don't date a married man.
15. Be easy to live with.
16. Don't stare at men or talk too much.
17. Don't live with a man (or leave your things in his apartment).
18. Even if you're engaged or married, you still need the rules.
19. Do the Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!
20. Be Smart and other rules for dating in high school.
21. Take Care of yourself and other Rules for dating in college.
22. Next! And other Rules for dealing with Rejection.
23. Don't discuss the Rules with your therapist.
24. Don't break the Rules.
25. Do the Rules and you'll live happily ever after.
26. Love only those who love you.
my god, this post fucks up mozilla 1.1 beta in a big way. Nice work.
Bitches.
Would you marry me? I come with a sizeable dowry, and can perform the Chinese Basket Trick (albeit in a homosexual manner, of course.)
I saw Nightline on ABC last night and they did the show on Grand Theft Auto III and its effects on society. It was rather interesting, they had a police officer on there describing how he felt while they showed the main character of the game beating on a cop with a baseball bat and shooting the ones that arrived soon after.
It frightens me that we allow these sort of games to be played by our youth, one of the things that the show focused on. With all of the hate and violence we already have in our society, games like this, Postal, and Doom may be all it takes to trigger a mass murderer. One fellow had a great point: why take the chance when there are already so many great games out there that don't involve going on a killing spree?
I'm not normally one to advocate the government intervening in our lives, but the fact that there were four thirteen year olds on the show playing the game and describing how fun it was to kill the prostitute after her 'sex act' to regain their money frightened me, and makes me think that even though we live in a free society sometimes we need to curb our liberties to guard our safety.
w00t!
That is all.
That was disturbing. Thanks for sharing!!!
oh, couldn't pass the exam, huh?
it's too wide!
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
word up brotha!
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Bring on troll tuesday!