Slashdot Mirror

After having seen a few of my recent posts to this site, you might be forgiven for thinking that I harbour unfriendly feelings towards the sites administrators. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm not a bad guy, really. I like these guys.

I want to help them.

I'm going to start today, and the best part about it is you can help me help them. Here's how:

The Get Timothy Lord Laid Appeal

Dear Reader,

I wish to bring to your attention an deplorable situation which cannot be allowed to continue. For too many years, Timothy Lord has been denied womanly affection. Of all the slashdot editors, I feel that he is the least undeserving of feminine attention, and yet, it seems that he suffers the most for the lack of it. His entry on the authors page is as follows:

" If you know (or are) a smart, cute, wonderful single woman who likes aloud reading and laughing, please let me know. Substantial Reward, references available, have own car."

I know we've all read his strangely formal plea, and felt in our souls the aching need he feels in his balls, but have any of us yet responded to this cry for help? I know there must be at least one smart, cute, single woman who reads this page. Unlike Timothy, many of us are blessed with the friendship of women who fit this description. And I know we'd all like to help out.

Timothy is currently the most prolific author of slashdot. He is the only editor who has not abandoned his commitment to the slashdot readers in order to implement lameness filters that don't work and moderate posts "for the good of the readers."

Timothy is slashdot's last honourable man.

Is it right to keep his dick on ice like this? No, I didn't think so. He's a sweet guy. Why are you torturing him? What's wrong with you? Don't you have a heart?!

Despite his sick dreams about Mena Suvari, I feel that Timothy is as perfect a gentleman you could hope to meet. If my instincts aren't recommendation enough, here's an artist's impression of what Tim would look like just after you put your keys on his forehead, prior to making him eat your ass. He cooks, too.

So how can you help?

• Are you an attractive young woman or sufficiently effeminate man. who lives in or near Tennessee? Do you want to make your life mean something? Why not send Tim and email and offer to service him? Don't forget to let us know, so we can all thank and respect you.
• Do you know a woman of such low moral fibre that she would willingly offer herself for sex to a man she's never met? Want to pimp her to Tim? Email Tim, and reply here, so we can give you props, jigga-man.
• Do you have Timothy's email address? I don't. Help us out. I'm guessing timothy@slashdot.org probably works.
• Got some advice for the unloved? Help a brother out. Post it here.
• If all else fails: If we can't put Tim in a warm bed with a willing female, we can at least put him in a seedy motel bed with a disinterested but well-remunerated whore. Help Tim and contribute to the prostitution industry of Tennessee. Pledge your donation below.

Help in any way you can. Time is short. For all I know, Tim has never felt the love of a good woman. I'm pretty sure if you make it to 28 without getting laid at least once, your dick falls off in disgust. Plus, he's contemplating alternative lifestyles.

Your friend,

XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXX XXXX XX X
X X XX XXXX XXXXXXX
X XXX XXXXXXX XXXXXX
X XXX XX XX X
X XXX XX XXXXXXXXXXXX
X X XXX X X
XXX XXX XX XX
XXXXXXXXX XXXXX XXXXX

P.S. If this appeal meets with reasonable success, we'll be going ahead with some more ambitious projects. Look forward to seeing The Get CowboyNeal Blowed Appeal and The Get Michael Sims Iced Appeal.

Some unrelated notes: Why is there an indigo girls song on the censorware page? Is Sims trying to tell us he's a lesbian?

I wanted to use these pictures of Nitrozac in this letter, but couldn't think of a good way to include them. Hopefully someone will find a use for them:

• Face like a smashed crab
• Butch like a bull-dyke

After having seen a few of my recent posts to this site, you might be forgiven for thinking that I harbour unfriendly feelings towards the site administrators. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm not a bad guy, really. I like these guys.

I want to help them.

I'm going to start today, and the best part about it is you can help me help them. Here's how:

The Get Timothy Lord Laid Appeal

Dear Reader,

I wish to bring to your attention an deplorable situation which cannot be allowed to continue. For too many years, Timothy Lord has been denied womanly affection. Of all the slashdot editors, I feel that he is the least undeserving of feminine attention, and yet, it seems that he suffers the most for the lack of it. His entry on the authors page is as follows:

" If you know (or are) a smart, cute, wonderful single woman who likes aloud reading and laughing, please let me know. Substantial Reward, references available, have own car."

I know we've all read his strangely formal plea, and felt in our souls the aching need he feels in his balls, but have any of us yet responded to this cry for help? I know there must be at least one smart, cute, single woman who reads this page. Unlike Timothy, many of us are blessed with the friendship of women who fit this description. And I know we'd all like to help out.

Timothy is currently the most prolific author of slashdot. He is the only editor who has not abandoned his commitment to the slashdot readers in order to implement lameness filters that don't work and moderate posts "for the good of the readers."

Timothy is slashdot's last honourable man.

Is it right to keep his dick on ice like this? No, I didn't think so. He's a sweet guy. Why are you torturing him? What's wrong with you? Don't you have a heart?!

Despite his sick dreams about Mena Suvari, I feel that Timothy is as perfect a gentleman you could hope to meet. If my instincts aren't recommendation enough, here's an artist's impression of what Tim would look like just after you put your keys on his forehead, prior to making him eat your ass. He cooks, too.

So how can you help?

• Are you an attractive young woman or sufficiently effeminate man. who lives in or near Tennessee? Do you want to make your life mean something? Why not send Tim and email and offer to service him? Don't forget to let us know, so we can all thank and respect you.
• Do you know a woman of such low moral fibre that she would willingly offer herself for sex to a man she's never met? Want to pimp her to Tim? Email Tim, and reply here, so we can give you props, jigga-man.
• Do you have Timothy's email address? I don't. Help us out. I'm guessing timothy@slashdot.org probably works.
• Got some advice for the unloved? Help a brother out. Post it here.
• If all else fails: If we can't put Tim in a warm bed with a willing female, we can at least put him in a seedy motel bed with a disinterested but well-remunerated whore. Help Tim and contribute to the prostitution industry of Tennessee. Pledge your donation below.

Help in any way you can. Time is short. For all I know, Tim has never felt the love of a good woman. I'm pretty sure if you make it to 28 without getting laid at least once, your dick falls off in disgust. Plus, he's contemplating alternative lifestyles.

Your friend,

XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXX XXXX XX X
X X XX XXXX XXXXXXX
X XXX XXXXXXX XXXXXX
X XXX XX XX X
X XXX XX XXXXXXXXXXXX
X X XXX X X
XXX XXX XX XX
XXXXXXXXX XXXXX XXXXX

P.S. If this appeal meets with reasonable success, we'll be going ahead with some more ambitious projects. Look forward to seeing The Get CowboyNeal Blowed Appeal and The Get Michael Sims Iced Appeal.

Some unrelated notes: Why is there an indigo girls song on the censorware page? Is Sims trying to tell us he's a lesbian?

I wanted to use these pictures of Nitrozac in this letter, but couldn't think of a good way to include them. Hopefully someone will find a use for them:

• Face like a smashed crab
• Butch like a bull-dyke

Has it occurred to you that th e y not only seriously harm readability, but that they are also totally fucking worthless since people will just keep using the same tricks that already work for obscuring [goatse.cx] links?

Damn you are dumb.

Seriously, who most do you fear the most producing the AI units humanity would be dependent upon?

Microsoft

AOL/Time Warner

Disney

The Church of Scientology

Evil Mutant Communist Space Wizards©

Intel

Sun

Anything Steven Jobs is involved with

Her

Me

Cowboy Neal

--
All your .sig are belong to us!

--
All your .sig are belong to us!

You've just received the Slashdot "Honor System" Worm. Please do the following:

Use any remaining mod points to mod up fp and frist post posts

Set your threshold to -1, if not already

Write a reply post completely off topic, including as many references to Natalie Portman as you think are tasteful (min 12)

Change your sig to "all your base are belong to 133t 5145hw0rm"

Thanks and have a 133t day!

Coming soon: McAfee /.

--
All your .sig are belong to us!

When first I read the title I thought, "Natalie Portman in a jar?" Cool! Ah, astrophysics, oh well...

--
All your .sig are belong to us!

For me, it's this woman of wiles.

Btw, were you to achieve immortality, do you think this would be a recurring problem?

--
All your .sig are belong to us!

The contents of this message do not reflect the views of Maximegalon University, Sirius Cybernetics, the Vogons or Natalie Portman. Content may be considered factual in all or part within the context of an off camera utterance by George "Wooster" Bush in any or all parallel universes. All or part of this message may not be re-used without persimmon, under penalty of death, dismemberment, renoberation, a good firm spanking, a stern letter to your parents, or a poetry reading by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings. Incidently, the attached virus, which is working its way through your hard-drive, scrambling its brains as only a Zygorthian space raider death-ray can closely simulate. Have a nice day.

--
All your .sig are belong to us!

Hell, I'll probably find one pushing my Howard Miller clock some day. Why did they need a CPU to do this?

Transmeta's edge is small, fast-enuff, low power consumption and flexibility. I swear too many articles pop up on /. questioning its viability and not enough people spend time in at Best Buy, Fry's, Circuit City, et al, watching masses of perfectly happy buyers fish out the plastic for something they perceive will make their life better.

As you rightly point out, this is not the number cruncher and stupid people like me (who try to do photo editting on a 300mhz win98 choked laptop) would best remember the AMDs, PIIIs, Alphas, et al are the CPUs for the serious crunch work.

Yeah, I'm sure I'd like a 1GHz 64bit laptop stuffed with DDR SDRAM and a RAID5 Array of UW-SCSI drives, but these boogers really do suck to do much work on and this isn't going to make my cel calls any clearer when I order a thai take-out "Thzz wzn gzzmpd zhhhzh bzzf wzh zhoo rizz, yzz?" "No! wzh zoozfzz, z rizz!"

Better off lounging in one of them Cyber chairs, hands on keyboard and pasting Natalie Portman into photos of me with my backyard Space-O-Rocket built for two.


--

Roblimo writes: Out of my own pocket, a free Phantom to each first poster on new articles!

Troll: Oh, yeah! [reload][reload][reload][reload][reload]...nth[rel oad] Ha! New article!
FROST PIST
[Submit]

New mail received from Roblimo@slashdot.org
Grats, send me your mailing
address and it'll be on the way!
Rob

[1 week later]
Troll: This thing rocks, I've never felt so close to Natalie Portman before! Ah, a new post.

TSRIF TSOP
(Mouse pointer moves over submit button)

WHOOMPF!
Troll: AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE! MY HAND!!!

G'wan, admit it, this idea passed through your minds...


--
Chief Frog Inspector

Noble effort, but have you considered that the rest of the year is pretty much what you ask? And if likeminded people felt no obligation, at least once a year, to get together with family and friends and exchange goodies, eat fruitcake, listen to holiday music and ...ahem... have Natalie Portman corner me under the mistletoe, that would make for a better world? Seems kinda cold, dark and lonely.

Parting shot: You don't have to shop at any mall, buy any thing online, or chop down any trees to give. Why not buy a blanket and a sandwich for a someone less fortunate.


--
Chief Frog Inspector

This University of British Columbia telescope costs about $1 million. A conventional telescope with a regular solid glass mirror of the same size would require an outlay of about $100 million.

On a somewhat related note, the top 10 images taken by the only company that provides commercial satellite images at 1 meter resolution have been released to the public. Included are pics of the Olympic Park in Sydney, the Hollywood sign, Hoover Dam, and the Great Pyramids of Egypt. I don't know how they determined that these were the top 10, but they're certainly worth a look."

I heard some horrible news.
Microsoft has licensed this technology. Frankly, I don't understand how this could have happened. Slashdot and the Open Source community has been one of the longest users of this. It is just plain sad.

Tech rumors

Warp Speed

Spam

True tech rumors

Legal gnomes with C&D the minute they detect someone having a better life

True tech rumors which are relavent to anything useful

Latest gossip on Natalie Portman

RIAA Greed rays

News of anything Star Wars related

MPAA Greed rays

Vote Naked 2000

News for Nerds. Stuff that is unverified.

You make it sound like a bad thing! ;-)

N00zPH145h:
Sir Alec Guiness' was cloned before he died. The clone, named Skippy, will appear in Ep3 with the shocking revelation that he is [a legal gnome slips in and attempts to serve a C&D, but to his utter embarrassment realizes this isn't an Apple leak and slips back out again] Han Solo's father's cousin's mother's hyperdrive mechanic's valet's kid brother's best friend's lawn bowling partner! Needless to say, this comes as a stunner to everyone, including Natalie Portman Sources close the story claim George Lucas vigorously denied this claim, retorting, "The clone's name is not Skippy, it's Fred!"

Vote Naked 2000

On the contrary, I think looking for planets is a good start.

Other things searched are meteorites (many of which can easily be found in Antarctica, lying on top of the ice!) for life traces and radiowaves (Is there a Natalie Portman on other worlds and are they doing anything this weekend?)

There are only so many means available until we actually send a craft to one of these extraterrestrial bodies and and look around. As much as Tommy Lee Jones joked about the tabloids being the best place to look for alien sitings, it would seem with all the coverage these things have, SETI should be focusing on trailer parks first. Maybe find some alien sonic screwdriver or sparkplug on the outskirts.

The scope of time is the most daunting. Only for ~100 years have we made enough noise and emitted enough light to be seen from space, nearly doing ourselves in back in 1962. Not even an eyeblink in the history of intelligent life. Odds may be that intelligent life will be found after it's already dead. I think that would be a pretty good wake up --

"SETI reports the sitings of large, bright flashes of light on planet x, followed by total cessation of radio emissions."

Personally, I think it would rock to find a planet ruled by dinosaurs and feed Britney Spears to one 8)

Vote Naked 2000

Thanks for the tip. I had been doing my searches thru Yahoo, which doesn't show the [cached] option.

Looks like I'm another Google convert.

Particularly good, since many servers now don't return "404" they send back "Are you looking for something?", etc. Not exactly telling that the page no longer exists, unless the software is up to the task of recognition (tricky of itself: Are you looking for something? ? 404 : We have dedicated our page to Natalie Portman)

Vote Naked 2000

Linux for Natalie Portman

Linux for Evil Geniuses

Linux for the Expecting Mother

Linux for Children

Linux for People Who Can't Read

Linux for Executives

Linux for Morons

Linux for Miscreants

Linux for Bloated Sacks of Proto Plasm

Linux for People So Stupid They Don't Deserve to Live

and lastly

Linux for Packs of Dobermans Clamped Onto Lawyers

Vote Naked 2000

Hah, good try, better get over to www.natalieportman.com before you make that mistake again.

Vote Naked 2000

Natalie Portman is the obvious choice!

Have you read my Bio ?

I think you should be doing the reading here.
You could start with this, this, and this.

thank you,

++tlt

the problem with the digital revolution is that it doesn't produce much that is "real." i mean, think about how much better online shopping would be if the items you ordered appeared instantly. that's what the digital age is about isn't? isn't that what people want... instant gratification? all you really need to make anything is a bunch of hydrogen, right?

just imagine it... you're surfing the net. you come across an interesting link. "mhmhmhmhmhmh... i sure would LOVE to have one of THOSE!"

you enter your credit card number, click a button and in a few minutes, you are in the throes of ecstasy!

1. Pour grits into pants
2. To boil grits, visit natalieportman.com.
3. To reheat, repeat set 2.

Version 0.01b

by "Open Source Man"

================================================ =============

Who is Natalie Portman?

where have you been? natalie portman is a hot young actress with a firm rump and pouting, teen breasts. oh yeah... and she goes to some college or something. you can find more information (including photos!) at the natalie portman web site. another good source of natalie portman information is slashdot.

"pouting, teen breasts"? You mean she's jailbait?

well, the age of consent in new york (her home state) is 17. natalie portman will be 19 in the summer of 2000. do you really think you'll ever be in a position such that it matters anyway?

What's the deal with Slashdot and Natalie Portman?

slashdot is a web-site devoted to technical news and discussion. natalie portman is a hot young actress. does that clear it up for you?

Is "Natalie Portman" her real name. If not, what is?

"portman" is her grandmother's maiden name. and if i knew her real name, i wouldn't tell you.

OK. You are walking down a street on a warm spring day. You come up on a man standing outside a building. The man is holding a clipboard. He sees you and convinces you to come inside to participate in a study.

You follow him inside and he leads you to a large room. The room is empty, save for a table. At the table is sitting a gorgeous blonde. The man sits you down in a chair next to her. Between the two of you sits a large cheeseburger. You are quite happy to see the man leave.

Suddenly, you hear a voice over a loudspeaker, "which do you choose? The Wendy's triple cheeseburger or Heather?"

You're not quite sure you heard that correctly, "huh?"

The voice is clearly annoyed, "you can have one or the other but not both. So which is it? The Wendy's triple cheeseburger? Or Heather?"

You look at the Wendy's triple cheeseburger, succulent and dripping with juices... mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmh.

You look at Heather, smiling at you as she twirls her hair... mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmh.

so... the moment of truth... which would you choose?

natalie portman, of course. it amazes me how many people get this wrong.

I don't see what's so great about Natalie Portman. Why don't you obsess over an actress that's really hot. like blah, blah, blah.

write about your own fantasies. i'm not your personal court pornographer.

Whatever happened to Drew Barrymore?

i think she's dating tom green.

Do you have any life at all?

no.

================================================ =============

thank you.