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1889 to Present - the full story
Written by: Clint McCredie | 9/5/2008 5:54:04 PM

Or, as you'll find out by the end of the article, OCR'd by Clint McCredie from a magazine he read back in 2006. And for the record, 2006 isn't "the present".

119 years have culminated in that little white box that sits beneath your TV. No bigger than a DVD case, the Wii is essentially the same machine - albeit slightly prettier and technically more robust - that Nintendo would release back in 1985.

I was going to get all grammar pedantic on Chris, but I think we've already established he has trouble differentiating the past from the present-- how could one possibly expect him to keep his tenses correct?

Here's the complete history of Nintendo.

... except for their movies, arcade "preview" of N64, any Gameboy beyond "color", sales dominance of the Wii, and.. (sigh).. well, a lot. Let's just say that there's a lot missing, and it's up to you to make your own "for certain values of complete" jokes.

1933 - Sekiryo Yamauchi establishes a joint partnership company named Yamauchi Nintendo & Co.

His partner's name? Bah. His partner was a Halo player, so fuck him with a power glove!

1963 - ... However, Nintendo's toy division begins to show promise when one of its employees, Gunpei Yokoi, creates the Ultra Hand and it proves a huge success.

And that, folks, is how Mario improves your sex life.

1975 - Yamauchi-san negotiates a deal...

Whoa, what's with the switch from history documentary neutral to buddy-film "san"? Remember folks, Spay Your Catgirl!

1977 - Nintendo launches its first home videogame system: the Colour TV Game 6. It contains six variations of Pong and is later succeeded by the Colour TV Game 15. The machines are only released in Japan.

Six variations? How the hell do you get SIX variations of Pong. All I know is that there's Pong, and there's Pong Kombat.

1985 - Yamauchi decides to rejig the internal structure of Nintendo and split its internal development teams into four groups: R&D1, R&D2, R&D3 and R&D4.

As a special bonus, today is Multiple Joke Choice day:
1 - The fifth group, R2&D2, were looked for. Although they thought they'd found them, it turns out it wasn't the group they were looking for. 2 - Rejig-- official corporate procedure. Real Fact! 3 - Split its internal development team-- thus creating the first goatse reference. ALT-F4 - None of the above.

Miyamoto's intention for The Legend Of Zelda was always to create a 'virtual garden', a game the player could nurture and watch blossom gradually.

Or rip up the garden and throw it at spiders for the money they keep inside their bellies

1989 - Nintendo releases the Power Glove. The accessory is designed by Mattel and, similar to the Wii Remote, allows players to recreate hand movements on screen using motion sensors attached to televisions.

So, wait, I'm confused. The Power Glove was based off the Wii Remote? If Nintendo had the Wii sitting around for 17 years, why didn't they release that first? It might have been useful to the parents of the younger version of this article's author. They could have used it as a reward to get him to pay attention in grammar class.

1991 - After a collaboration with Sony to help develop a CD add-on for

Smallpox only exists in captivity and Polio is definitely on the endangered list! Both are a bit less cuddly than Giant Pandas, however.

Not true. Look at this plush toy

warehouse23.com

So cuddley.

...Not kawaii at all!

That would be Warehouse 23, right?

Didn't someone bring along some Zap-a-Gap?

Hm, except fans can create decent minis on their own. I bet I know 6 people who could turn out a decent Paneuropean Jaeger Heavy Tank or a USS Iowa.

Also, all that stuff up till now, didn't come with a EULA because the companies didn't follow computer graphics. Heh.

Hangar 18, maybe?

More likely, Warehouse 23.

Tell them to go buy one of these. (It won't make them any more Goth, but the money will be in better hands.)

Wait, If it's in Warehouse 23 how come I can't buy it ?

I wave this t-shirt in your general direction!

WTF is this? The misleading Star Trek topic titles day?

You're making me earn my karma today, you bastards.

Okay, on topic: Am I the only person who really wants us to go back to the moon? If this space station gets built, I sure hope that they use it to act as a halfway point between the earth and the moon, and not as just a platform for Orbital Mind Control Lasers.

FNORD

Sounds like someones been playing DeusEx..

Oh, goddess. Look, get the Illuminatus Trilogy, then get the Principia Discordia . (The reason I pointed you to the Steve Jackson Games edition of the Principia is because they were the company hit by the infamous Secret Service raid -- you've heard of that at least, right?). You probably need a copy of the Jargon File, too. Read alt.religion.kibo a few days, and then move on to the Internet Oracle.

Then come back here when you're properly versed in esoteric geek subculture memes. 'Kay?

How about a car that has the same quality or better as previous models, that costs less?

Really, who needs *features* and whizbangs in a car. I got better items (large please) to spend my hard-earned money on.

The Church of Bob wouldn't have ads that say "be nice to everybody"... their ads would look more like this.

PayPal? Nah, just go to the Warehouse 23 SJ Games page and spend a few hundred dollars on some good stuff. The Pyramid (SJG's on-line magazine) discussion boards have been running a contest on who will spend the most on Warehouse 23. My $504 is leading at the moment, so /. might want to try beating that.

Car Wars is back in print again. Take a look at Warehouse 23

Unfortunately, I guess I was right all along. They were stretching themselves thin, they just didn't realize it because of poor bookkeeping. That's really too bad, Steve Jackson has always been an exceptionally cool guy. I think I'll head over to Warehouse 23 and buy myself a copy of Deluxe Illuminati, since I've always been curious about that game.

The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.

Unlike M:TG, which comes out with a new collectable expansion every month or two, INWO has only had a few expansions in its life, and one of them isn't even collectable! INWO SubGenius is a stand-alone version of INWO produced in cooperation with the Church of the SubGenius. (Yes, the "Bob" guys.) Ah, heck, let me quote:

This is a hundred-card non-collectible set. The cards feature art provided by the Church itself. [...] You will like it.

The set of 100 cards is usable by itself, and includes rules for a 4-player common-deck game, using four Church of the SubGenius cards (with different art, of course). Each represents a different faction of the Church, fighting for control, Slack, and that unending flow of dollars from the mindless Pinks. You can also drop other INWO cards into a SubGenius game, or vice versa!

BTW, INWO encourages players to create their own cards. Steve Jackson Games sells blank cards expressly for the purpose.

In case you haven't guessed, this is one of my favorite games of all time. Buy it, you won't regret it!

Not "for good" -- I've got nearly $1,000 of Steve Jackson Games materials sitting next to me, all stuff published after 1993. And a subscription to Pyramid, an online magazine that inculdes a MOO and NNTP message boards. And there's Illuminati Online, one of Texas's largest ISPs, which was originally owned by SJ Games.

Anyway, you can buy copies of the Cyberpunk sourcebook here, on their online store.


Steven E. Ehrbar