Slashdot Mirror
Stupid Patent Contest Winners
Grand prize
Patent on Gratuitous Recognition Solicitation, by Erasmus Darwin.
This was an obvious choice. It captured the spirit and style of a real patent application in every way, and was so stupid that the USPTO would almost certainly approve it as a real application, given the way the office has been behaving (badly) the last few years.
Honorable Mentions
This was a harder choice, but we finally settled on these three:
One Handed Food, by Coplan, Drag-n-Drop Shopping, by booch, and Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering(tm), by aidoneus
And here are the 11 entries that Slashdot moderators chose to grace with the coveted "Plus 5" ranking, from which we made the final selection. Winners, please email roblimo@slashdot.org to set up delivery for your prizes. I'll need your real names, street/shipping addresses, and (for tshirts) your shirt size.
Thanks to everyone who entered. This has been great fun.
The only thing we regret is that this amazingly stupid patent wasn't an entry. But it wouldn't have been eligble anyway because, believe it or not, it's real!
Prior art anyone?
dnnrly
Well, the links will redirect to the static page, but you won't be able to go directly to the comment. I don't really keep up on slashcode updates and ideas, but here's a fairly simple fix:
make the comment titles anchors with respect to their cid. i.e. <A NAME="cid33">Title of Article</A> Then when the comments.pl redirects to the static, it also redirects with respect to that anchor #cid33
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
I only post comments when someone on the internet is wrong.
If they are "former", then yes they may be able to count. "One example of pre-existing art; two examples of pre-existing art; three examples..."
Present Patent Examiners, on the other hand, appear not to possess this ability.
Why not submit Gratuitous Recognition Solicitation for a patent. Maybe clean it up a little bit, but hell, submit it. What'll they say? No? What if they say yes? That would be perfect ammunition against the patent office. Hell, why not slashdot the patent office with phony patent applications to screw up the works, slow them down and ruin their credibiltiy (well, more than it has been). /. should patent shitting or something more inane...that would really get someone's attention in Washington.
Anyone similarly inclined may post here or contact me through my website.
OK,
- B
http://www.bradheintz.com/
- updated
Not really, but each comment does get an anchor tag with the CID when it's archived, so individual comments can still be referenced that way.
Look here while you still can. You'll see that MY reply links to MY other post further down. Nyah nyah nyah!
Give me my freedom, and I'll take care of my own security, thank you.
They often use a plastic sheet to protect screens of clear plastic when shipping. They're sort of "stuck" on without adhevsive. Nokia phones have one over the screen as do sony VCRs etc..
Fighting is not the way, what the whole damn world should do about loons like this is just ignore them. Laugh in their faces. Poke them in the eye and walk slowly away, shaking your head sadly. If summonsed to court, reply politely with the insistent belief that the whole thing is an April Fool's or a prank by the guys from the office, asking that they knock it off now because it's starting to get old. If physically dragged into court, demand jury trial and request a nullification. Just whatever you do, never, ever take it seriously. Never treat it as real. It only encourages them and breeds lawyers.
Bah. Patents get in the way of 'small inventors' to the leech-like benefit of corporates and lawyers everywhere. Here's what Don Lancaster thinks of patents.
I do find it interesting that of all the Top 11 Stupid Patents, mine was the only one with a score less than 5.
And a score of 1. O_o
Bah
Amazing, isn't it?
"If your friends want a license, they can call or write me. 480-614-3337 or 480-314-2416. The present terms are $.05 per square inch of screen protector adjusted annually by the change in the COLA voted by Congress for Social Security recipients, plus $5,000.00 administrative fee payable up front or at the rate of $.01 per square inch until paid."
Seeing as humans have been using plastic coverings for things ranging from book covers to plastic pockets in folders, how is it an invention that the thing you're covering happens to be electronic?
If he can patent this, then I want a patent for the same plastic covering which protects a quantum machine. While we're at it I would like to also patent the concept of using coverings to protect an object.
---
I feel smart. I mean It's a government mind control project!
From the original patent:
The Fellowes product, and other similar to it, are neither convex nor have an extending tab to enable and enhance manual grasping of the shield. Since the invention Mr. Warman calims is "in the particular combination of all of them herein disclosed and claimed," then the Fellowes product would seem to be exempt.
It appears that Mr. Warman feels that the Fellowes product violates these clauses: "equivalent constructions insofar as they do not depart from the spirit and scope of the present invention," and "it is not desired to limit the invention to the exact construction and operation shown and described, and accordingly, all suitable modifications and equivalents may be resorted to, falling within the scope of the invention."
Give me my freedom, and I'll take care of my own security, thank you.
Neither the microchip nor penicillin were patented. But then, you knew that, didn't you.
And maybe they wouldn't be improved. Money-grubbers do provide a lot more funding than the undeniable force does.
Governments, large corporations, rich nutcases and guilty industrialists
Exactly. Without patents, they would have an even stronger monopoly on technology than they do now. At least in the current sytem, small inventors like James Dyson can have a fighting chance of competing with the huge corporations without getting their ideas pinched.
Here is a link to that amazingly stupid patent on the IBM patent archive.
Translation: Trouble makers, stand up and be identified. Reward, one t-shirt.
I know I've seen this concept somewhere else, but where?
I suppose that this post is a wise-ass comment, one of 900 or so submitted for your entertainment, but wise ass was not covered.
Friends don't help friends install M$ junk.
As mentioned in the first reply to the One Handed Food suggestion, there's prior art on that one. It was the theme of a week's worth of the Sally Forth newspaper comic in early October. In fact, that's the batch that's in "2-week delay mode" as I write this...
"But remember, most lynch mobs aren't this nice." (H.Simpson)
-- Joe
I thought they said the 11 posts got the 'coveted +5'... mine's on there with a big fat Score: 2. Whoopee. ;-/
(Thanks, though!)
The Divine Creatrix in a Mortal Shell that stays Crunchy in Milk
The House Between - Original Sci-Fi Series
1. Nine 5s Reliability - A standard for software and hardware design that ensures 55.555% uptime.
Is it just me, or wouldn't "nine 5s" imply 55.5555555% ?
I can't imagine a nicer christmas present for a guy like Warman.
"A microprocessor... is a terrible thing to waste." --
"A microprocessor... is a terrible thing to waste." --
GeneralEmergency
At least when I clicked on the link to see all the "+5" comments, I noticed at the bottom of the list, a comment with a measly score of 1. Posted by myself, nonetheless. I did a double-take, but sure enough, it is my post regarding Dogbert and zero-click shopping, listed with all the +5's. Cool...but how the heck did that happen?
"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
When your post gets stuck at #859 (where nobody will see it because they got bored at #107 and went elsewhere), then you cross-link it in a reply to an early post, such as #48.
But, alas, it doesn't always work, as I was not one of the Chosen Ones.
Give me my freedom, and I'll take care of my own security, thank you.
The LCD doesn't even come into it. Only Claim 1 mentions a "screen", and that refers to a different sort of screen protector and is also struck out. All the other claims speak of a "major surface portion" which clearly includes the TV remote I bought before 1990 that had such a "protector" on it.
All kings is mostly rapscallions. -Mark Twain, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
What it means is simply that billing organisations can participate in a clearing house system whereby participating subscribers get just the one summary bill every month, and can pay the lot with one cheque if they like. The clever bit, such as it is, seems to be merging the database info, or maybe printing on two sides of a sheet of paper according to this Register article
Breakfast like a king,
Lunch like a queen,
Dine like a pauper.
Sorry, I haven't seen enough beowulf cluster trolls as of late.
Boss of nothin. Big deal.
Son, go get daddy's hard plastic eyes.
Expanding a vast wasteland since 1996.
Secret tip: the voting booth is not an OTB, the goal is not to pick the winner, and you get nothing if you do pick the winner.
You clearly don't understand what democracy is. Try practicing it before you open your mouth.
If you think that you'd rather throw your support in with someone with a "better chance of winning," you should extract promises and ass-kissing from the candidate who would benefit from your change of vote, and nail his/her ass to the wall for failing to live up to those promises. Sounds too wimpy for you? Go live in Iraq, dickhead. Hard choices are what democracy is about; if you are too cowardly for them, get out of my country before you destroy democracy here.
Boss of nothin. Big deal.
Son, go get daddy's hard plastic eyes.
Expanding a vast wasteland since 1996.
argh! I guess I need to get back to reading /. religiously... too bad it's sucked a little too hard for that lately :( anyway I missed the original call for entries, but I'm deeply amazed that the ultimate stupid patent wasn't even submitted... NO one thought to whip up a DeCSS patent? where are all the satirical geniuses that used to inhabit this place? HUH?! Oh yeah, the quality went down the shitter and we left, how could I have forgotten already?
i disagree with your claim.
i knew friends who were into protecting touch-screens of this fashion (including palms but not the "traditional" electrically triggered touch screens) a very long time ago.
they abused them so much on them that they actually put 3m tape on them to accomplish *BOTH* goals: both paper-like feel (in the time of the palm) and to reduce wearing on the surface of the polymer screen without the tape.
cheers.
Peter
This patent covers:
1) Any disturbance in a gaseous medium which propagates as a longitudinal wave through the medium.
2) Any device, including but not limited to those constructed from proteins, paper, metal which produces such disturbances as patented under section 1.
3) Any form of serialised temporal entropy, whether conveying meaning, or random data which is transmitted via a disturbance as patented under section 1, including but not limited to entropy conveying human-human, human-computer or computer-human communications.
X-Has-Sig: yes
Submit it quick before Microsoft does!
Thanks for the clue.
The Divine Creatrix in a Mortal Shell that stays Crunchy in Milk
The House Between - Original Sci-Fi Series
I am just curious if any slashdot people actually work in a patent office or related?
Respond to s
I would like to patent taking note, and that way I can bring suit against anyone who takes notes.. that is how asnine some patents are today... oh well, and I am going to patent elipses too. ^_^
Cogito, ergo sum.
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I don't know how long ago I read about using 3M's Magic tape over the Palm's screen, and specifically the grafiti area, but surely such published use would constitute prior art rendering this patent invalid?
Matt Thompson - Actuality - Insert product here.
Where Your Vote Should Go
great comedy company.
It doesn't work once the story gets archived, so the links listed above won't function properly after then. Is there a solution in the works for the slashcode?
I use Macs for work, Linux for education, and Windows for cardplaying.
I think we ought to apply for these patents just for the fun of it. I bet we'd get a couple. Then we can show everyone else how rediculous this all is and we can all laugh at the Patent Office together. How much money is involved in applying for/getting a patent?
>Chalk this one up as another abuse of the patent system. I can't imagine why
> the patent office didn't throw this one out... the reviewer must never have
> owned an electronic device or even an etch-a-sketch.
Could it be because of the words ``weather-proofing" and ``fish-finder"? Not being a commercial fisherman, I'd guess that in the late 1980's they did not have water-proofed viewing screens, & this guy came up with this as one solution, then patented it with dreams of making a fortune.
And what happened? The obvious solution: the companies making fish-finders started making monitors that were sealed against the weather. This dweeb's patent was worthless.
Until PDAs became popular, & people started protecting the screen by putting a clear adhesive over it. This dweeb saw his chance to make some money, & pay off his landshark bills.
>What this needs is someone with deep pockets to sue this into the ground.
Unfortunately, most people will find it cheaper just to throw money at this dweeb to make him go away. Which is what he & his landshark are hoping for.
Ain't American Entrepreneurialism grand?
Geoff
I think I see a trend here. Maybe for them it really would be easier to muzzle the entire internet than to produce p
however the fact remains that patents do help to improve our lives. If it couldn't have been patented, do you think anyone would have spent the tinme developing the microchip?
And then there are drugs patents. It might be obvious in hindsight that certain fungi have anti bacterial properties, but before pennicillin was developed, it wasn't. Should this patnet have been invalidated because of "obviousness"?
Too bad, but here's a couple I thought of:
1. Nine 5s Reliability - A standard for software and hardware design that ensures 55.555% uptime.
2. Optical Char Recognition - Algorithms for recognizing and classifying this fish commonly found in arctic regions of northern Canada.
3. Dense Car Division Multiplexing - A system of merging multiple streams of cars into fewer streams of cars for transport over long distances. (Declared invalid due to existing implementations in Los Angeles, Silicon Valley and New York)
4. Non-Poetic Justice - A system of declaring legal judgements in free verse, patented to force the US Court System Judges' Rulings to come in the form of rhyming poetry in formats such as iambic pentameter, or trochaic tetrameter.
The patent of a screen cover protection is not a hoax, as can easily be verified by checking the patent number RE35,318 at the US patent office homepage database.
for the love of god man/woman, what in the world are you doing reading Sally Forth?
And then while the page was actually loading, I got a phone call from a salesman at AT&T, so I had to refrain from looking at the winners until I could get him off the phone -- I figured if I suddenly started screaming, "Yes! Holy shit! Yes!" while still on the phone, I might wind up having to explain to my boss why we had a new 10 year long distance contract.
And then after seeing it, I was just too excited to be coherent enough to actually sit down and type something. So I had to get up and wander around a bit to burn off the excess manic energy. The one small problem with that course of events is that, when you're at work, the best excuse to get up and walk around is to get a cup of coffee. Which means I'm now even more jittery and manic and starting to ramble on and on incoherently. Anyways...
I just wanted to thank everyone at Slashdot, not just for running the contest and picking my entry, but for everything else they do, as well.
My thanks also go out to the moderators, without whom, my entry wouldn't have been in the running in the first place.
But most of all, I'd like to thank Natalie Portman, in a shameless effort to get this post modded up, because despite being able to cook up a bogus patent application for karma whoring and trolling, I still haven't been able to actually put those techniques into practice enough to get the "post at +2" bonus.
Does anyone else think this might be a neat way to raise awareness of the issue?
OK,
- B
http://www.bradheintz.com/
- updated
Well, The RE in the patent number means that this is a "reissue" patent. A reissue is granted to correct "a mistake" in the original patent it is based on. The reissue cannot add "new matter" (i. e., material not disclosed in the original patent specification, and the reissue filer must prove that there was no fraudulent intent involved. The claims may be narrowed or broadened, but if broadened, the reissue must be filed within two years of the issue date of the original patent.
Changes in the reissue patent are shown with text removed enclosed in brackets [] and added text in italics (Underlined in the manuscript)
Yay!! my patent made the top 11... you know... the one at the very bottom.... with the score of 1.... amongst all those others... with a score of 5.... but I made it. :)
...
...
...
Synchis
The worlds most popular, famous, and loved super hero...
Thomas A. Knight
Author of The Time Weaver
There goes another part of my 15 minutes of fame.
Too bad mine only scored a 1.
When travelling, it's ok if the airlines lose your emotional baggage.
I hereby patent reading this post without moderating me up. Being that I haven't posted it yet, there can be no prior art.
ok then your [sic] infringing on my copyright! Could you as [sic] me next time before STEALING my comments for your own?
I wonder if that moron(Warman)'s telephone will be ringing off the hook, due to mention on /. .
/. effect, or does the /. effect apply only to downed web servers?
If it does, is that a viable discription of the
I'd like to mention that it's a long-distance phone number. While cheaper than a toll-free number(for Warman), actually picking the thing up for any number of the calls he'll get is going to rocket his phone bill...Pursuing the patent is going to cost him more than the patent is worth.
I wonder if he has a fax machine?
What's this Submit thingy do?
Why don't geeks know how to build tension and suspense? Everybody knows the Honorable Mentions come before the Grand Prize. Tsk!
Seems the winner never thought to patent the read a highly moderated post and repost it as a reply to a post higher up the list so those moderators get to you first to get free mod points. Guess ill patent that one :)
Slashdot: Proof that a million monkeys at a million typewriters can create a masterpiece
Maybe Slashdot should patent Beowulf so Microsoft and nanotech mutants from the future can't steal it and the government can't use it to hunt open source warriors.
:) )
(Even a moderator with less than average intelligence would moderate this all the way up. Thanks in advance!
--
There is an undeniable force drawing us to do what hasn't been done before; to do what "can't" be done; to boldly go where no man has gone before! err....anyway...Yes it would have been developed and maybe even better. Men are constantly striving to break the limits of knowledge and physics because they love the challenge. Getting rid of patents would get rid of money-grubbers and maybe even improve the end-product.
I hereby forthwit, and halfwit patent the "any" key. I shall be duly entitled to humm... lets say one cent each time the instructions are issued and carried out to "hit any key to continue". This covers 'any' and all situations calling for touching, caressing, or otherwise digitally manipulating 'any' key. And it doesn't make any difference if you say it or write it, I claim it all, if it has anything to do with 'any' key. So there! If you touch 'any' key my lawyers will calling you right after they finish beating up a defenseless old women.
People act like such babies over stuff like this. Imagine the human race, where we collectively grow up and make life better for everyone instead of squabbling. In my dreams...
Where's the submit button??
Nice try, but this has already been patented by Nicola Tesla in the early 1900s. He actually did the experiment and caused an earthquake in New Jersey I believe.
...but there is just too much prior art...
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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget 'em, because man, they're gone. -- Jack
My entry will enable business to increase sales and profit margins, the CheckOutFromHell. When you go to check-out after entering credit card data, the program refuses to allow exit from web site until the credit card is maxed-out and purchases finallized. All attempts to link to another site, or start a new application fail. Upon reboot the computer system automatically connects to the web site. Sufficient data is stored in the system BIOS so that even a complete reinstall will automatically connect to the web site. Afer finalizing purchases, a Smiley Face with the legend below reads, 'Thanks for choosing to shop at xxxxxxx, have a good day!'
"Open code, in other words, can be a check on state power." -Lawrence Lessig
Read it here
Chalk this one up as another abuse of the patent system. I can't imagine why the patent office didn't throw this one out... the reviewer must never have owned an electronic device or even an etch-a-sketch. The application of a clear plastic film as a protective covering is so obvious that it has been used on watch faces, eraseable boards, glass sheets, bulk plexiglass, automotive parts, etc. etc. and these certainly predate 1992.
Does the "innovation" of using it on a LCD make it patentable? I think we have our answer.
What this needs is someone with deep pockets to sue this into the ground.
whatever.
The link to the "real" patent for the screen cover protector is probably a hoax. As far as I know, the patent number that is referenced in the article, "US patent #RE.35,318", is nonsensical.
Maybe this is sort of like how the New York Senate candidates were fooled by the fake, and also nonsensical, bill number for the alleged postal tax on email.
Ok, yeah, it's too late, but here it is anyway:
Sonic Disruption Device
Shockwaves will be generated by means of electromagnetic drivers anchored to bedrock at such intervals as to focus, directly through or by reflection within the body of the earth to coincide, beneath a specific location. Pulses within tolerances of necessary harmonics will damage or destroy targeted structures above ground.
First test will be targeted at Zeeland, MI on Oct 18th.
--
Chief Frog Inspector
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
my patent on checking links before posting them is prohibiting people from posting quality content.
for some reason, even though I've granted a free-use license to my company, my boss is still reticent to check links before updating pages...