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Science Askew
Whoever came up with that joke definitely doesn't know geeks, or he'd know that they most certainly do appreciate the opposite sex and that that programmer would have been all over the frog in a second. But when geeks make fun of themselves? Now that's something to see -- and Science Askew is a collection of just such humor. The jokes run the gamut from one-liner to extended essay, and almost every major branch of science is represented.
The great strength of Science Askew is that, unlike so many collections of humor about a particular group of people, these aren't just blonde jokes with "chemist" or "computer programmer" or "mathematician" substituted for the word "blonde." It's subject-specific humor -- and at its best, it's good for some serious belly laughs. (An example: "Never lend a geologist money. They consider a million years ago to be recent.") Most of the time, a specialized knowledge of a particular branch of science isn't necessary to get the jokes -- merely being a generalist geek is more than enough.
You'll find many old chestnuts gathered here, such as the "Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!" essay, mixed in with original material by Donald Simanek and lesser-known pieces plucked from magazines. John Holden's illustrations, which range from the brilliantly funny to the incomprehensible, are sprinkled throughout.
Why does Science Askew rate only a 7? While it's nice to have so many science jokes gathered in one place, you're likely to have heard a good number of them before -- and even if you haven't, you can find them (and many more) for free here. While there is a significant amount of original and hard-to-find material, it tends to be of lesser quality than the stuff you can find on the Web. Thus, it's hard to justify the $30 price tag. Plus, as a chemist, I can't help but be miffed that there's no section for chemistry (though there are a few chemistry jokes scattered in other parts of the book). There's an entire 23-page chapter devoted to the life and times of a single fictitious scientist, so why not a chapter for the chemists?
When geeks lampoon each other, the results can be dangerously funny. Unfortunately, as Science Askew shows, the jokes can also fall flat -- but there's enough good material inside to make it worth a look.
You can purchase Science Askew from bn.com. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.
We've all heard the joke about the computer programmer who, when given the choice of transforming a frog into a beautiful princess with a kiss, declines, saying he has no need for a beautiful woman, 'but a talking frog is REALLY cool!'
Actually no, I haven't.
Q: How many [insert geek type here] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What are you, an idiot?
Best Windows Freeware
S
How could you support cancer?
You must be one of those people who mods posts supporting cancer research down.
Are you sure you want to be a monster?
I think this analysis can be applied with equal accuracy to my song "Eight".
The officer says, "Excuse me, sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."
Gets better every time I hear it.
Democracy Now! - your daily, uncensored, corporate-free
the real question is what kind of pompous windbag literature-majors are selling this book and making money at our expense??? ha-ha, let's pretend to be on the geeks' side. they can make a living doing something honest. we can only hope to impress our superiors with Nice Pants.
hi, I like pancakes -.-- -.-- --..
But on a more uplifting note, I've heard that DJ Horrorpenis is the bomb.
Whoever came up with that joke definitely doesn't know geeks, or he'd know that they most certainly do appreciate the opposite sex and that that programmer would have been all over the frog in a second.
What about the presumed 10% of Slashdotters who are gay ?
Disclaimer: I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that....
Hey, hey! You're giving away punchlines! Spoiler warnings. Especially for the whiners in Europe who won't see this for another couple of years!
I don't really think that that is a real film. But I could be wrong. I'll bet it was done as a "prank" just to get some publicity.
two strings walk into a bar.
The first one says "I'll have a beer"
The second says "Yeah, I'll have a beer tooadsfjjl45080f4[].(&$#@jhf,f324...."
The first one replies "sorry my friend isn't null terminated"
*badaboomski*
I came to the datacenter drunk with a fake ID, don't you want to be just like me?
I just read some sad news on /. - the number of 'Stephen King dead' posts just passed the 50,000 mark. Anonymous Coward was found modded to -1 at his Maine keyboard this morning. Apparently, Mr. Coward was aimlessly cutting and pasting previous posts, trying to up his numbers, when he fell into an abandoned link. Unfortunately, the link was home to a family of king goats, who made short work of the Master of Cowardice. I'm sure he will be missed by the Slashdot community - even if you didn't enjoy his work, there's no denying his impact on the social structure of /. Truly a /. icon.
-- Language is a virus from outer space.
From 8 - 10 to 7 - 10?
But what about the presumed 0.03% of Slashdotters who are frogophiles? Now they would be in a serious dilemma whether or not to kiss the frog! ;)
Oh come on. That's *totally* a good geek joke. Of course not every geek fits the stereotype, but that doesn't mean there isn't truth to it. You've made it more negative by making the programmer say that he has no need for a girlfriend -- I've often heard it as having no *time* for one. Or that there's plenty of beautiful women in the world already. Either way, the concept of a programmer-geek not acting in the "traditional" manner here is amusing -- much better than that lame geologist joke.
- Swannie
:q!
applause.
Too much moral fiber will leave you constipated.
"On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog!" - a dog
Yo, ain't nothing wrong with that frog love, G. Keep it real and be careful crossing the streets.
One could put a book together on the /. jokes. I'd buy it.
(This whole discussion is going to degenerate into our favourite sci/geek jokes, isn't it? Not that I'm complaining, mind...)
|>
Here be Dragons
how gay are you?
It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.
--Scott Adams
Well, actually, I think I've even seen that in textbooks.
And of course, there are the three laws of thermodynamics:
---
"Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong." --Dennis Miller
Damnit....all those nerd jokes are brining me back a couple years where I was (and still am) being ridiculed for being a nerd, a mac one at that.....Too many haunting memories....NOOOO!
"Some fight for law. Some fight for justice. What will you fight for? One day, you will see."
Law 1: A cat always lands on its feet
Law 2: A toast always falls with buttered side down
New Technology: Scientists have proposed that we will glue cats to unbuttered sides of toasts. By law one and 2, both will never fall and keep spinning above the ground. This buttered cat array will be used for high speed cat-but-lev trains.
*ducks*
My Aurora : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o91ZsGwJYyg
FB : https://www.facebook.com/TanveersPhotography
Many years ago, Richard Feynman and Carl Sagan were spending some time in North Carolina to attend a scientific conference. North Carolina is well known for its scenery, and as they were driving back through one of the many forests, Feynman proposed that they buy a tent and spend the night in the forest instead of at a stuffy hotel room. They found a local Outdoor World shop and bought a tent. Then they found a beautiful spot along Mile Marker 42 to pitch their tent. They had a supper of beans and Vienna Sausages then hopped in their tent to sleep.
That night Feynman nudged Sagan.
"Look up," he said. "What do you see?"
"Billions and billions of stars," said Sagan.
"Yes, yes," said Feynman. "What can you deduce from these stars?"
"There are billions and billions of stars. If only a fraction of a percent can support life, then surely we are not alone in the Universe."
"No, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"
A: There were Poles on the right half of the plane!
Q: What is the Fourier Transform of this? (moves hand in a horizontal fashion to indicate a constand function)
A: This! (give person The Finger to indicate the Dirac Delta function).
A mathematician, a physicist and an industrial enginner are asked "Are all odd numbers prime?". So the mathematican goes "Let's see 1 is odd and prime, 3 is odd and prime ... okay by mathematican inducation all odd numbers are prime." The physicist is next. "1 works, 3 works, 5 does, 7 does, 9 doesn't, 11 does, 13 does ... okay that 9 is probably experimental error so, yes, all odd numbers are prime." The industrial engineer is last. "Okay 1 is odd and prime, 3 is odd and prime, 5 is odd and prime, 7 is odd and prime, 9 is odd and prime ..."
Laugh, damn you!
GMD
watch this
I was going to do the same when people came around for Alzheimer's research, but I forgot.
This is an actual incident !
From: Johan Blixt blixt@trantor.math.kth.se
I found this in "The Guardian." (UK)
Disregarding the metaphysical aspects of Schrodinger's cats, (Letters,
April 28) I must protest at the use of (possibly live) animals for
experiments such as these. I urge readers to boycott whatever product
this research is leading to.
Roger Bisby, Reigate, Surrey.
[Note - originally appeared in RHF during second quarter of 1990 - ed]
From: "Anthony Coulter" c17gmaster@earthlink.net
There is nothing wrong with the Schroedinger's Cat experiment! You aren't
actually killing the cat until you measure it... When the Humane Society
comes up and looks into your box, you can rest assured that the cat's death
is their fault...
My Aurora : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o91ZsGwJYyg
FB : https://www.facebook.com/TanveersPhotography
So why do machine-level programmers confuse Christmas and Halloween?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
(Thats OCTal 31 = DECimal 25, for those who don't get it.)
LongTail SSH Brute Force analysis tool is here!
My favorite is a panel in which the door reads something like "Synthetic fiber institute". In the room there is an inspector fellow opening a cabinet. In the cabinet is a sheep. Harris is a master at creating a joke with one panel. The amount of information he can convey is incredible. If you see one of his books, take a look.
"She's a scientist and a lesbian. She's not going to let it slide." Orphan Black
I love it that the guys that were SO cool in my high school are now pumping my gas or asking if I want fries with that.
Anonymous Cowards suck.
One of the coolest things I had ever seen as a kid was in middle school. One of the kids that was always being picked on, picked up one of those combo desk-chairs and smashed it over the head of one of his tormenters. No one ever teased him again. (Now that was back before the days of mandatory mininimums, Ritalin, etc, so be careful :)
One of my favorites, stolen from the Canonical List of Math Jokes:
A project manager, a hardware engineer, and a programmer were in a car. Coming down a hill, a tyre got a puncture, the car went out of control, and a bad crash was only narrowly averted.
The project manager wanted everyone to help draw up a plan of how to fix the car and carry on.
The hardware engineer wanted to change the tyre and carry on.
The programmer wanted to go back to the top of the hill, drive down again, and see if the problem happened again.
There's no sig like this sig anywhere near this sig, so this must be the sig.
What about the presumed 10% of Slashdotters who are gay ?
I think what you meant to say was, "What about the presumed 10% of Slashdotters who are not gay ?"
Lots of amusing stuff here, including Hawking MP3s.
Has anyone ever read Einstein's joke paper on relativity? Basically opens like this:
"Spend an hour with a beautiful woman and it feels like a minute. Spend a minute sitting on a hot iron and it feels like an hour - this is relativity." He then goes on to describe his experiment where he first finds a beautiful woman and spends an hour with her and indeed it feels like only a minute has passed and then describes how he sat on his wife's stove for a few seconds and how it felt like an eternity of pain...
I misread the headline and thought Kevin Smith/Silent Bob is going the Bill Nye the Science Guy route...
There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from the bread factory.
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
My Aurora : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o91ZsGwJYyg
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It would! I always wondered what that frog in FROGGER would have said as he/she was getting splattered while crossing the road.
/^[A-Z0-9._%+-]+@[A-Z0-9.-]+\.[A-Z]{2,4}$/i
it's hard to justify the $30 price tag
but there's enough good material inside to make it worth a look.
hunh?
Error: Success
... 1 isn't prime and 2 is?
While this is all good and merry to support an ideal that was "ALL THE CRAZE" in the late 80s early 90s, I'm sure Zack Morris would be proud of this post. But todays geeks are harder to find and stereotype, I'm not trying to be a shithead but if you looked at me you wouldn't think I was your typical 4 eyed geek, maybe its cause I don't wear glasses.
I've met guys who look like your typical 4 eyed geek who don't know jack shit about computers or consoles or anything for that matter, it's hard to judge a book by its cover especially when we've all seen the Matrix, I don't think we're falling for the plans of those robots.
I think it would be better off if we were all geeks, but not for hockey games haha
Imagine "Oh hes on a breakaway.. And he has an asthma attack!"
remember the hanson brothers from Slapshot? Typical geeks playing hockey _CAN_ be scary, same with beautiful women with large muffs. It doesn't make a difference in this world what you look like, as long as you like how you look.
Stop stereotyping, we're all nerds here and we don't need to be reminded we're all fighting the same stereotype.
[cx]
it tends to be of lesser quality than the stuff you can find on the Web
I didn't know such a thing existed.
Karma: Good (despite my invention of the Karma: sig)
The chemistry/physics folks who worked with lasers at the college I attended had a large sign on their laser lab:
CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT LASER WITH REMAINING EYE
From "Revenge of the Nerds II"
Girl: Are all Nerds as good as you?
Nerd: Yes!
Girl: Wow! Why is that?
Nerd: Because all jocks think about is sports. All Nerds think about is sex.
From experience, this is true.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." - Philip K. Dick
Some of us make 10X what you make.
When this thread is done, there will probably be enough material for a sequel.
For a joke book? That's how much I paid for Wolfram's A New Kind of Science!
.
.
.
[silence... crickets chirping...]
You can get it from your local bookstore or favorite online site (ISBN 0671740601).
Here are a couple of my favorites (from memory):
Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
A: Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scaler.
A group of gamblers wanted to try to make horse racing pay by studying it scientifically. So they hired three teams of scientists: a team of biologists, a team of mathematicians, and a team of physicists.
After six months, the teams were called in to give their reports. The biologists, who had spent the most money, went first. They told the gamblers, "We've solved the problem completely. We can set up a selective breeding and genetic engineering program to breed the perfect racehorse within 20 years, at a cost of only $200 million per year."
That seemed a bit steep to the gamblers, so they called in the mathematicians, who had the longest paper. The head of the team told them, "We're happy to announce we have a complete solution to your problem. We've been able to prove that every race is won by at least one horse. In fact, we've gone further and shown uniqueness: every race is won by exactly one horse!"
That didn't satisfy the gamblers either, and the physicists were called in. They, too, assured the gamblers that their troubles were over. "We've performed a complete physical analysis of horse racing and understand it completely. However, we've had to make a few simplifying assumptions. First, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere..."
If they don't get it, then too bad for them.
It loses all humor if you explain it.
Definition of Kotex - Not the best thing, but next to the best thing.
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to recognize that the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality inside a netherworld of endless obscurity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Fish.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
-Jonas
I dunno. Jokes don't make me laugh much. I've got the sort of deranged sense of humour that most people don't appreciate, or understand. For example, today I said: "You know what's really funny? When people fall over and can't get up again.". We (my friend and myself) just sat there and laughed for 10 minutes. Everybody else just looked at us funny and grinned nervously.
The Mechanical Engineer, surveying the wreckage, says "I think the steering column may have broke, causing the wheel to turn violently to the right."
The Electrical Engineer, disagreeing, says "No, I think there may have been a short circuit in the power assisted steering system."
The Software Engineer, looks at the other two, and says "Well anyways, let's push the car back up the hill, on to the road, and see if it happens again."
(Disclaimer: I am a Software Engineer with a CSE degree.)
There was a mad scientist ( a mad ...social... scientist ) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty
of canned food and water but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: assume the opposite...
Fly Fish? Participate in our forum
The caption reads "George Boole Ordering Lunch."
Are geeks, intelectual persons, or are intelectual persons, geeks?
Are we mixing both by poor definition or poor understanding of what a geek is or an intelectual is? or are they the same?
I personnaly thing geeks are a intellectuals, but not the kind of geeks that the media and other geeky fashioned propaganda has been promoting the last few years...
Everyone knows that if you come across a wastepaper basket that is on fire, and there is a handy bucket of water nearby, then you should pour the water onto the fire and put it out. Even a mathematician knows this. Now if you have the same situation except that the paper is not on fire, then a normal person will simply leave things as they are, but a mathematician will start a fire, because now he has reduced it to a problem he knows how to solve.
self promotion(I write a comic about a scientist):
Comic 1
Comic 2
I know that there's an error in the calculation in the second comic, i just haven't fixed it yet. If you spot it you win... nothing.
oh... and here's the link to the comic's website.
lysergically yours
Ben "You have your mind on computers, it seems."
Yes. You paid 30 bucks for a joke book.
A. His rear end.
Ba-da-boom.
Need a Linux consultant in New Orleans?
An engineer, a biologist, and a mathmatician are sitting in the park having lunch, watching people pass by on the street. They see two people enter a building across from them. A while later, three people come out.
"There was an error in measurement," the engineer says.
"No," says the biologist. "They reproduced."
The mathmatician says, "Now, if exactly one person goes into the building, it will be empty."
A biologist, a physcist, and a mathematician were sitting together at a street cafe, drinking their beer, watching the world go by. They saw a man and a woman go into a house across the street, and they all noted the fact as they were drinking their beer, watching the world go by. A little while later, the two people came out of the house accompanied by a third person, and the three companions at the cafe all observed this, as they were drinking their beer, watching the world go by.
"They have reproduced," said the biologist.
"No, the initial measurement was simply in error," said the physicist.
"Whatever," said the mathematician. "If one more person goes in the house, it will be empty again."
A sociologist, a psychologist, and an engineer were discussing the
consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress. The
sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically
unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and
engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.
The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human
being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress,
as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why
the affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the
affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife
that he is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is
going
to be with his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
--------
It's OK to be social, just don't tell anyone about it.
I thing it was a Ziggy strip (who knew Ziggy could be funny?), but it was a picture of him looking at a map of the "Heisenberg Science Institute"... and there's about thirty arrows, pointing all over the map, which are marked, "You may be here."
A similar joke was a sign outside a motel in Las Vegas during a physicists' convention:
"HEISENBERG MAY HAVE SLEPT HERE"
"Destroy science and religion. Science would re-emerge exactly the same; but not religion." - Penn Jillette, paraphrased
Somewhat off topic, but what grabbed me from the article right off the bat is the classic cool kids picking on or bulling the geeks and the nerds. Which simply boils down to Americans and their understanding of technology and science and the kids not having a role model to look up to in this area?
The Gallup Organization conducted the first-ever public poll in the United States on technological literacy. The poll tested the conceptual and practical understanding of technology, as well as opinions about the importance of studying technology. The results show as a rough gauge of how-or whether-the level of technological literacy changes over time. The results of the poll revealed that most Americans have a very limited view of technology and science. The results emphasize my point that we as a society don't instill enough science and technology in the younger generation as we should. Which leads to again the classic cool kids bulling the geeks scenario.
Sig
Ok, gotta show my geek chops here and post my environmentally induced pun.
College, electrical engineering. Taking a class in discrete time systems. Difficult class, and the prof is a real know-it-all...the kind of guy who shows you the theory, let's you pound through 5 pages of calculation, then checks the result with a super-sneaky PhD trick in 4 lines.
Test #1 comes back, and the mood is grim.
He starts handing the tests back. "David Wright?" A paper passed. The next name was chinese, and difficult to pronounce. "Uh....Mr. Wong?"
I hit the floor laughing.
The prof wasn't so smart after all - he didn't know the difference between Wright and Wong.
This really did happen to me. I'm sure people think I'm insane to this day.
Weaselmancer
Weaselmancer
rediculous.
It's amazing, because it's true...
Q. Why do geeks confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A. Because OCT 31 == DEC 25.
I object to that article, and to the next reply.
After Noah's Ark landed, he stood by as the animals left. "Go forth and multiply", he would say as the pairs of animals passed by.
A few days later, a pair snakes returned and complained to Noah that they couldn't reproduce. Noah said to his son, "Go find a tree, cut it down and make a pair of tables for these snakes."
The snakes accepted the tables with thanks and left. Noah's son was confused and asked how that would help. Noah replied, "My son, adders can't multiply without log tables."
What's the difference between an introverted computer scientist and an extroverted computer scientist?
The extroverted computer scientist looks at YOUR shoes.
Karma: Bored. (Thinking about resurrecting the "Anyone else is an imposter" joke.)
I've had to do that a few times. Once was in French class when this girl was INCESSANTLY talking to me, finally just stood up, said SHUT UP! and slammed a book on her head.
She was probably trying to hit on me but, well, I was in grade six and a geek. And people gave me a little more space after that.
Unfortunately, these days "zero tolerance" means that you can be tormented all day long, but as soon as you push the bully out of your way you're expelled.
Ok, I might as well jump on the bandwagon. Q. What's the line integral of Western Europe?
A. Zero. All the Poles are in Eastern Europe.
while we're doing bad geek jokes...
A proton, an electron, and a neutron walk into a bar. They approach the bar tender and the proton orders a drink. The bartender asks him for a buck. The electron steps up and orders the same drink, again the bartender asks him for a buck. Finally, the neutron walks up, orders and the same drink, and the bartender merely hands it to him stating "For you, no charge"!
*bada ba boom!*
=)
This is my sig. Its pathetic.
(It's not entirely technically correct, but that's not the point of the joke.)
Why would anyone want fries with their gasoline??? :)
The joke is that you said "tyre" instead of "tire", right?
My wife was looking up mnemonics for memorizing medical terms the other day, and found this gem:
Columbus sailed the ocean blue
In Fourteen-hundred and ninety-two
Divide that son-of-a-bitch by two
And that's how many watts are in a horsepower.
"Shortly after the discovery of the huge Tharsis volcanoes on Mars, various names were proposed for them. Someone ([Carl] Sagan discreetly described him as "a European savant") suggested that the mountains should be named after various Roman deities - there would be a Mons Martis, a Mons Jovis ... and a Mons Veneris. Planetary scientists seem to lead very sheltered lives - it fell to Sagan to point out that "mons veneris" is a phrase already used to designate a well-loved portion of the female anatomy, and that it could only induce sniggering at the back of the class if the same name were given to a 20-kilometre-high volcano."
(snippet from this page.)
Any other good real-life science humor out there?
I'd have a personalized plate on my car, but "toxic bachelor" won't fit into 7 letters.
An oldie from my high school physics teacher:
A scientist and an engineer are placed exactly 10 feet away from a beautiful woman. They are told that that every five seconds they can move exactly 1/2 of the distance between them and the woman. The scientist laments, "Ahhh! I'll never reach the woman!" The engineer replied, "Sure, but I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
Somethingawful.com featured a Photoshopped French stamp bearing Fermat's likeness. Someone had changed the text to read "I have discovered a truly remarkable joke that this stamp is too small to contain."
(I wish I could find the link to the original, but I dare not bring up that site here at work!)
I suspect many here may already know of this "scientific journal" but for those who don't, and would enjoy scientific humor, I would stronly suggest you either get a subscription to, or at least check out the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
www.improbable.com
It is "THE Journal of Record for Inflated Research and Personalities" This journal is also the sponsor for the IgNobel awards.
If you get a chance, read the article "Electron Band Structure in Germanium, My Ass" by Lucas Kovar, in the May/June 2001 Issue (Vol. VII, No. 3)
By far, the best in scientific humor I have ever read, and the best part is that most of the really funny stuff is based on REAL research actually done by a researcher.
-When going for broke, go for Ithaca!
Being a geek is more of a personality trait than anything else. I know it's a stereotype, but commonly geeks are more inclined to be less social, to be more interested in their hobbies or field of study, to read Slashdot and shop at ThinkGeek. ;)
...one of the guys who'd rather keep the talking frog.
While there are also many stereotypes about homosexuals, the only one that is true is they prefer sex with members of their same gender. Many gay people feel no need to behave outlandishly to flaunt their sexuality. I'm one of them. I've found being gay is no more of a common ground to other homosexuals than being straight is among heterosexuals. Being sexually compatible doesn't a friendship make.
The only difference between myself as a gay geek and my heterosexual geek friends is the gender of the sexual partner we're unable to get. They can't get girlfriends, I can't get a boyfriend - and we'd both rather play some Unreal than worry about it.
I originally thought there was some kind of conflict between being gay and being a geek since I have yet to meet any gay geeks, but when you consider it's basically looking for a fraction of a population inside of a fraction of a population, the odds are dramatically against it.
anyone know the joke whose punch line is
"...and the Nun says, '10 bucks, same as in town' "
It's:
A new young, naive priest was walking thru the city near his first assignment, when a tart in a short skirt asks from an alleyway, "Would you like a blowjob for 10 bucks?". The priest was startled but ignored the girl and went about his walk. When he got back to the convent the head Nun askes how he liked the district. He says "it's a fine town, but I have one question. What's a blowjob?" And the Nun says...
First he looks both ways to check if any cars are coming.
How does a computer programmer cross a road?
First he looks to check if there is a road.
This may be stretching the definition of "scientist", but what does a Behavioral Psychologist say after making love?
"It was good for you, was it good for me?"
stolen from Steven Pinker's _Blank Slate_
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and an MCSE are travelling in an old Fiat when all of the sudden the car backfires and comes to a halt.
The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!".
The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!".
The MCSE says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again".
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't! they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints,"
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer were discussing the nature of God.
"God was an electrical engineer," said the electrical engineer, "because we humans are just very complex electrical circuits."
"No, I disagree," said the mechanical engineer. "God was a mechanical engineer; one merely has to look at the elegance of the human skeletal system to see that."
"You've both got it wrong," said the civil engineer. "God was obviously a civil engineer, because who else would think to run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?"
A family of atoms is walking down the street and the little baby atom runs up to his parents and says, "Momma! Momma! I think I lost an electron!" and the Momma atom says, "Are you sure?" and the baby atom says, "Yes, I'm positive!"
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender plunks the mug down in front of the neutron. The neutron asks the bartender how much he owes, but the bartender says, "For you, no charge."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -- Albert Einstein
GET YOUR WEAPONS READY! --DR.LIGHT
A man in a Ferarri drives along a country road and finds a considerably older man on the side. Stopping, the Ferrari Man jumps out and says, "Excuse me, if I simply observe you for a moment, I can tell exactly what you do. And if I guess correctly, you have to give me something of yours."
Intrigued, the older man agrees, and in a moment the first man says, "You're a sheepherder!"
The older man, nonplussed, says, "You're right, you can have anything of mine."
The first man announces that he will take a sheep, and grabs the first animal he sees and hauls it to the Ferarri.
"How did you know?" the sheepherder asked.
"I noticed how you looked at the animals in the field as though you knew them all individually," the younger man said, "That and the staff gave you away."
The sheepherder smiled and said, "Well, if I guess what your job is, can I have my animal back?"
The young man, sensing a challenge, smiled and agreed.
Without hesitation, the sheepherder said, "You're a consultant."
Shocked, the young man asked as he watched the sheepherder relieve him of his newly-won property, "How did you know that?"
The sheepherder smiled in reply, "You council me without my asking. You told me things I already know. You demanded payment for nothing, and above all," the old man smiled, "you don't know a damn thing about what I do because you just tried to take my dog!"
I guess that's kinda how that joke goes. ;)
Q: "How many PhD's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
P: "Two. One to screw it in, the other to pull the chair out from under him."
That's about as clean as I get. I usually take to more *ahem* cynical jokes (ex: "What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?").
What is music when you despise all sound?
now .. if we can figure a way of generating power from these spinning cats...
:-)
According to the laws of thermodynamics, that can't happen (perpetual motion and all that).
(The reason for this, of course, is that the buttered-toast effect is stronger on an expensive carpet; as the carpet gets covered in cat hair and toast crumbs, its value decreases until the buttered side of the toast isn't attracted enough. So you have to put energy in by cleaning the carpet, so there is no net energy gain
1o people get on a bus, at the next station, 11 get off.
The theologist: A miracle! A miracle!
The biologist: They're breeding
The theoretical physicist: One must have tunnelled in.
The experimental physicist: 10% tolerance is ok
The mathematician: One must go in to make it empty
A Mathametician, An Engineer, and A Physicist were all kidnapped by aliens.
.. that upon hearing a chime - they would be allowed to move 1/2 the distance to the female, and every chime after that they would be allowed to move 1/2 the remaining distance. When they reached her, they were allowed to do what came naturally.
On the Alien's Science Ship , they were all placed at one end of a 1,000 foot hallway, with the sexiest nude human woman they had ever seen located at the opposite end of the hall.
A gutteral alien voice came over a hidden intercom and explained to them
The mathamatician and the Physicsit were locked into a heated discussion when the first gong shouted. The Engineer was off like a SHOT. After about the 3rd chime - The mathamatician shouted down the hall to the Engineer:
"Hey ! We determined that if you move only 1/2 the remaining distance every chime, you will never actually reach the girl."
To which the Engineer responded "So what ??! , in another 10 minutes i'll be close enough for practicle purposes."
*ba-rump-bum*
--Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum, non erravi pernicose!
made my day :-D
Yet Another Light Bulb Joke. Q. How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A. One.
This post is free (as in cheese in a mousetrap).
A doctor, a priest, and an engineer were playing golf together. The foursome ahead of them was taking forever to play. They would hit the balls in all directions, and wander around randomly to find them. Finally the greenskeeper drives by in a cart and the three complain about the delay the foursome is causing. The greenskeeper explains that those four people are blind firefighters. Years ago there was a terrible fire at the course's clubhouse. These four firemen had responded to the fire and helped rescue a lot of people, but were burned badly and blinded in the proccess. Out of gratitude the golf course allowed them to play whenever they wanted, even though it was an inconvinience for the other players. The doctor was very moved by this, and said "I have a co-worker who is a great opthamologist, I will see if there is anything he can do to help restore these poor firefighter's sight." The minister, empathetic to the firefighter's plight, said that he would ask his congregation to pray for the firefighter's recover. The engineer thought for a moment and asked, "Why don't they just play at night?"
Cool. I wish I were you.
The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.
a boeing 747 crashed at cemetery in central Paris. Until now, 5680 could only be recovered dead.
Fleur de Sel
9/11 showed us that blind devotion to religion is disgusting.
FIRST LAW OF COMPUTER SANITY (FORMULATED BY VON NEUMANN0
"In a day consisting of 24 hours, it is desirable that any computer should require less than 24 hours of maintenance."
COMPUTER START-UP COMPANIES FROM HELL
Did you hear about the computer start-up in Idaho that went nowhere faster than most? Seems they based their hardware on a potato chip.
How about the start-up over in Texas? Their selling point: in the whole world, you won't find a bigger microcomputer!"
SIGN OF THE TIMES (ON THE DOOR OF A CHEMICAL STOCKROOM)
Please do not smoke.
If you must smoke, please exit as quickly as possible
through the large hole that will appear in the roof.
Making trouble today for a better tomorrow...
In these days of zero tolerance I can get a kid suspended for teasing my kid.
P.S. I salute your user number.
I had a guy trying to piss me off one time. He said "hit me! comon, hit me!" so I did, in the nose. He bled all over the place. Never had trouble from him again.
A physicist, a mathematician and a statistician all go to the horse races, each assuring the other that they have an infallible system to pick the winners.
They agree to meet at the end of the day to share their stories of victories.
At the end of the day they meet in a pub to talk. The mathematician laments, "I had it all perfectly worked out. I had devised a calculation that factored in horse muscle mass, jocky wieght, turf consistency on the track and a dozen other variables. It was perfect and yet I didn't even win above chance."
The statistician nods, "I did an analysis of every horse, jocky, weather condition track rating and previous race and was sure I had the winning formula and still won at chance."
The physistist smiles, pulls out a HUGE role of bills and peels a few off. "I guess drinks are on me tonight."
The other two look at the money and one demands, "What's your system?"
The physisists pulls out a pen and paper and starts, "First, I assume that all horses are identical and spherical..."
A joke my calculus teacher told me back in high school:
What's the square root of 69?
8 something (ate something)
ba-da-ching!
There are no tiger attacks in my area and it's all because this rock I'm holding keeps the tigers away.
That reminds me of my favorite joke.
Tell all your friends to count to four in binary on their fingers. Then tell them to count to 132.
A chemical engineer, electrical engineer and a civil engineer are discussing God. Chemical engineer: if you consider how nifty this DNA stuff fits together, it is clear God must be a chemical engineer. Electrical engineer: nonsense. If you look at the human brain and the nervous system, it is obvious that such a powerful system could only have been invented by an electrical engineer. Civil engineer: God must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste pipeline through a recreational area?
No violence is needed. Just be really weird and people will fear you especially if you're a lot smarter than they are. I burned all my hair and facial hair off in an explosion early on in highschool and had ashes falling off my head for months afterwards.. That went a long way. Also would peel my own skin off and eat it in class. That really disturbed the teachers.
;)
Also about 10th grade I suddenly grew a foot and a half (to be 6'6 and about 250lbs) and was suddenly gone from the smallest guy in highschool to the tallest. Made quite a few of those people that picked on me very nervous.
At what price learning? At what cost wisdom? The price is a man's peace of mind, and the cost is his life.
Three engineer are in a car which breaks down, smoke streaming out of the front. They all get out, look at it and start discussing the problem.
The mechanical engineer says: "it's the engine, we'll have to look at that!"
The electrical engineer says: "No, no, no; it's the wiring! Either that or the sparkplugs!"
The MSCE chimes in: "What's the problem? We'll just get back in, close all the windows, restart the engine and we'll be off again!".
And then there's the ancient art of maximizing efficiency:
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.
But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
-- Waht? Tehr's a preveiw buottn?
...I've heard in years. But if I try to tell it to people I know they'll just stare at me with "those eyes" (if you're a geek you probably know what that means).
True warriors use the Klingon Google
"So, a sphere is like a ball, right?"
Half the class couldn't contain their laughter (I mean, it's a second-year course for math majors), and my row started a pool to get someone to ask:
"So, a cylinder is like a pipe, right?"
It got up to about $10, but unfortunately, there were no takers.
An oldie but goodie:
Why can't Nerds tell Halloween from boxing day?
Because 31(hex) == 25(dec)! LOL!!
a group of psychologist are running an expirement. the place the subject in a room with a sink, a bucket and a garbage can with a fire in it.
They start with an engineer. The engineer grabs the bucket, runs to the sink, fills it with water and throw it on the fire which promptly goes out.
Next up was a physicist. The physicist whips out his slide rule, does some quick calculations, take the bucket over to the sink, fills it and throws it on the fire. The fire goes out exponentially.
Then they let an applied mathematician try it. The Amath guy fills bucket, sets it down next to the fire and leaves. Astonished, the psychologists ask why he didn't put the fire out. The Amath guy repplied that he had reduced it to an already solved problem.
Last up was a mathematician. The mathematician looked at the fire. Then he walked over and looked at the bucket. Then he walked over to the sink, looked at it, and nodded. He then left the room. The psychologists were completely baffeled by this and asked the mathematician about his behavior. "Simple," he replied. "I just proved that a solution existed."
-1: flamebait should really be -1: inciteful
My favorite from this issue (courtesy of Prof. Vasiga):
"'Expected' is one of those words you can use at work. I expect to get this job done by Friday... that's not saying it's going to get done. I also expect to win the lottery, quit this job, and tell you all to piss off."
During World War II, the allies were looking
for pilots familiar with Poland to fight the Germans.
During one meeting of local residents, the commander
asked for volunteers. One guy piped up "I'm a
crop duster pilot and I know this terrain like the
back of my hand". During a test flight in a
military aircraft, lights started blinking and
buzzers buzzing all around. The commander asked
the new pilot "Don't you know what all these
lights mean?" and the farmer replied
"No! I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane!"
Two molecules are walking down the street.
Molecule #1: Oh my gosh, stop, I've lost an electron!
Molecule #2: Oh, no! Are you sure?
Molecule #1: Yeah, man, I'm positive!
*Bappita-bing*
You shall see a cow on the roof of a cotton house.
A psychologist went out to eat with an engineer and a mathematician. The three sat next to a window and ordered several waters. The psychologist then took out a lighter, set a napkin on fire, then placed the napkin on the floor. He asked the engineer to put out the fire. The engineer quickly picked up his water from the table and doused the fire. Undeterred, the psychologist lit a second napkin on fire and asked the mathematician to put out the fire. The mathematician moved his water from the windowsill to the table and replied, "It is now reduced to a previously solved problem."
"You can never have too many elephants on your team."
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation sweeps over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles and says, "I'm giving a talk to the Sexual Freedom League."
Whoa! He swallows hard--here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's talking about sex! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your talk about?" She looks into his eyes, and says, "I plan to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed. In my experience, the Native American is the most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers. I have found, instead that men of Jewish descent make the very best lovers, on average."
"Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman looks embarrassed and starts to blush. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel awkward discussing this with you--why, I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "It's Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
Making trouble today for a better tomorrow...
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You have had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are
speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him up here, now."
Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right....and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
Danny.
I have written over 900 book reviews
Wow, you made it to grade 6. My first altercation was grade 3 over being a geek and having a physical disability.
Nobody won, principal broke it up.
They can't decide whether to be ionized or unionized...
I suddenly grew a foot and a half
...rimshot...
It must have been a bugger trying to buy shoes...
They were always being picked on, so they came into school with guns and bombs and shot a whole load of people!
Oh, not only redundant, but wrong! Boxing Day is Dec 26, not Dec 25.
Sad. So sad.
Boobies never hurt anyone. - Sherry Glaser.
Software demo, User interface, Instructor..Adele says "Enter first name - Adele; last name, lets say "Doe", so I'm "Adele Doe"...
Honest, even I couldn't make that up.
A plane takes off from Warsaw. Shortly after takeoff, a flight attendant comes back to the main cabin and tells the passengers that the entire flight crew has taken ill. She asks for if any of the passengers has flight training. A little old man stands up and mentions that he used to fly small aircraft. The flight attendant ushers the man into the cockpit. There the old man is confronted with all sorts of unfamiliar buttons, dials, levers, gauges, etc. He turns to the flight attendant and tells her that he's unable to fly this plane. When asked why, he responds....
I'M JUST A SIMPLE POLE IN A COMPLEX PLANE.
Two hydrogen atoms walk down the street and bump into each other. The first asks the second, "All you alright?". The second responds, "I think I lost an electron..." The first asks, "Are you sure?" the second replies, "Yeah, I'm positive."
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those that can count in binary and those that can't.
- Unknown
A guy goes up to a mathematician and asked, "How much is 1 + 1?"
The mathematician says "2"
The same guy ask a programmer the same question, the programmer says "I could tell you but it would make more sense for me to write a program that can answer that question"
The guy then goes to an economist and once again asks the same question.
The economist brings him into his office, locks the door, closes his blinds and whispers "how much to you want it to equal?'
When punk rock is outlawed, only outlaws will have punk rock.
The irreverent songs of Tom Lehrer, then a young math instructor, were big hits with nerds in the 60s/70s. Some cool modern Flash-guru recently created an animation of Tom Lehrer's song "The Elements."
Making trouble today for a better tomorrow...
Two atoms were walking down the street.
Atom 1: "I think I lost an electron."
Atom 2: "Are you sure?"
Atom 1: "Yeah, I'm positive."
A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, and civil engineer were arguing over what kind of engineer God was. The mechanical engineer said, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how the human body is put together! Joints, musculature, connective tissue--genius!" The electrical engineer sniffed and said "Yes, but consider the whole nervous system. God must be an electrical engineer, since all of those mechanical parts are controlled by electrical nerve impulses."
They argued back and forth a bit, when the civil engineer told them, "You're both wrong." The mech-e and ee stopped and looked at her, and the civ-e said "Come now, who but a civil engineer would put a toxic waste pipeline through the middle of a recreational area?"
yellowcat ^_^ ??
Would probably be more realistic for a business person.
Pritty wemen while rare enough just aren't as rare as a talking frog.
Put em on stage.. just make sure the frog talks when on stage and dosen't go silent like the WB frog did in the Loony toon cartoon where he first appeared.
The geek however would look at the practicality.
A talking frog wouldn't have anything intresting to talk about.
A butiful woman could tell the story of how she became a frog and the whole experence.
and thats just a side benifit..
I don't actually exist.
A topologist walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, being a number theorist, says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve topologists here."
The disgruntled topologist walks outside, but then gets an idea and performs Dahn surgery upon herself. She walks into the bar, and the bartender, who does not recognize her since she is now a different manifold, serves her a drink. However, the bartender thinks she looks familiar, or at least locally similar, and asks, "Aren't you that topologist that just came in here?"
To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Dear:
[ X ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Troller
[ ] "Me too"-er [ ] Spammer
[ ] Racist [ ] Expert on everything (EOE)
[ ] Flame Thrower [ ] News Groupie
You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You started a long, stupid thread
[ ] You continued spreading a long stupid thread
[ ] You started a grammar thread
[ ] You started a Word vs. Framemaker thread
[ ] You started a thread that has been discussed here continuously for the last year and a half
[ ] You responded to a "dead horse" thread
[ X] You posted the Dr. Seuss as a Technical Writer drivel
[ ] Your post/response contains too much rhetoric and hyperbole
and very little (if any) substance
[ ] Your post is absurdly off topic for where you posted it
[ ] You obviously don't know anything about the topic at hand
[ ] You posted a blatently obvious troll
[ ] You followed up to a blatently obvious troll
[ ] You said "X rules, Y stinks" and gave no support for your lame statement
[ ] You said "me too" to something and added NOTHING to the discussion
[ ] You make no sense
[ ] Your margin settings (or lack of) make your post unreadable
[ ] You posted a 2 line reply with PAGES of unnecessary quoted text
[ ] Your post is a transparent effort to make money.
To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Refrain from posting until you have a vague idea what you're
doing
[ ] READ every post in this group for two weeks so you can some
idea about what is discussed here
[ ] READ every post about the subject available in the archives
(http://www.raycomm.com/techwhirl/archives.htm) three times
[ ] Give up your AOL account
[ ] Give up your webTV account
[X ] Read the posting rules 50 times a day for a month
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor (monitor must be plugged in)
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[X ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Nothing, we'll let you go this time
In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
[ ] Get a clue
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Go away
[ ] Grow up
[X ] Never post again
[ ] You need to seek psychiatric help
[ ] Take your gibberish somewhere else
[ ] Go back to school and actually learn something
[ ] Learn how to post or get off the usenet
[ ] Don't take offense at this, I just like to use this form
[ ] All of the above
Author: Michael Wing (mailto:mjwing@ingr.com), Staff Writer/ Web Applications Developer, Intergraph Corporation; Huntsville, Alabama
http://maps.intergraph.com
I have actually done a similar thing. In 7th grade, a bully sat behind me in my Life Sciences class. He continually kept flipping me in the ear and generally being a jerk. One day, the teacher left the room. I just stood up, turned around, grabbed the front of his desk (those great integrated chair/desks), and pulled up on it as hard and fast as I could. The entire class cheered as he lay sprawled on the floor with a desk on top of him... God, that was a good day. :-)
There's no place I can be, since I found Serenity.