Slashdot Mirror
Attack of the Corporate Weasel Words
theodp writes "Does it bother you that churches have a Mission Statement touting their Core Values? That even the CIA has a Vision? In his book Death Sentences: How Clichés, Weasel Words and Management-Speak are Strangling Public Language and in this Newsweek interview, Australian author Don Watson argues it's time to protest the mind-numbing business jargon that infests our schools, churches and political speech. Examples that people have sent to him can be found on Watson's website."
In Soviet Russia, all your Natalie Portman hot grittified, Netcraft BSD/Steven King obituaried, greased Yoda doll in mabootied, welcomed by our new GNAA-overlorded, imaginary beowulf cluster of Burma Shavin' weasel words are belong to us!
Get thee glass eyes, and, like a scurvy politician, seem to see things thou dost not.--King Lear
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/games/career /bin/ms.cgi
Free XBox, PS2
...carry more weight when the coming from authors residing in English-speaking countries, which we can all agree Australia is not.
If we aren't going to eight-ball on these associative forward looking statements then clearly we've all got to just co-operatively compete in deciding on a common way forwards that brings all of the stakeholders on board, while enabling individuals to determine their own optimal path to success.
My other pet peeve is "solutions" as in "refuse organisation and disposal solutions" - Trash collection.
An Eye for an Eye will make the whole world blind - Gandhi
"Exciting re-review and recommenting opportunity" for the /. editor's favorite activity.
"Seven Deadly Sins? I thought it was a to-do list!"
I misread the "Newsweek article" as the "Newspeak article" and I was all like woah, damn dyslexia.
Go finish your TPS reports, and put the right cover sheet on them this time!
main(0)
ACTION ITEM!
[b.belong('us') for b in bases if b.owner() == 'you']
If we're going to tackle this corporate jargon problem, team, we're going to have to leverage our core competencies. We're going have to be goal-oriented and results-driven.
I say we kick off our anti-buzzword action plan by hitting the ground running. Now, who's going to own the mid-level implementation plan for this milestone?
P.S. Props to Action Item, Superhero for inspiration.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world. Those that can keep their train of thought,
this reminds me of something i saw when i used to work in corporate america. once before a company wide meeting, a friend/colleague handed me a sheet of paper with a grid of boxes on it- like a bingo board, but each box had a 'buzzword' in it- synergy, proactive, win-win, B2B, e-commerce, e-solutions, etc., etc. the goal was to mark off a word every time you heard it in a meeting. if you crossed off all the words in one row, column, or diagonally, you stand up and yell "BULLSHIT!". freakin' hilarious.
So they "lead with ideas" and "understand the problems of others to help organize solutions"
Are you in management?
That sounds more like a crash to me -- and not all crashes are accidental.
No. A crash would be an "unanticpated and sudden reduction in kinetic energy".
Almost, I believe it's to ensure that the customer can read into it what he likes but would never be able to prove categorically what it was he's bought in a court of law.
In my case when I say "I'm good. Thanks" I am really saying "I'm damn good at sex you know".
Pauly Shore is now a vicious member of management!?!
(Ya know... That DOES explain alot...)
MOD PARENT DOWN - he discriminates against fat weasels!!!
I'm guessing that wasn't on their radar screen...
A couple of my favourites:
"Could you join me for a brief scuba in my thinktank?"
"Can we pool our brainspaces in a centre of excellence?"
More here
The way to stop this nonsense is cleary to make wildass fun of it in a beer commercial. Remember all those idiots that used to say "what's up" in passing in the hallway? That all stopped after the WWHhhaazzzuuuuup beer commercials. If you make them feel like a jackass on a BEER commercial, they'll stop in short order. Or should I say: If you apply a poor quality rating to the suppliers deliverables in a widely accepted public forum, the resultant reconfiguration of the parameters is likely to change toward a positive outcome.
I was biking around and I stopped for a cafeine refuel... decided to drink my cup inside thanks to the nice air-conditioning...
There was a couple sitting at the table next to mine, the man was elaborating at length on some kind of organisational scheme, using the latest buzzwords. And his female companion seemed impressed!
Having finished my drink, I stood up and asked the man: "You must work in HR, right?"
He looked bemused, and said: "Yes. How did you know?"
I just smiled and left.
"To drill down" is a well-established idiom.
... in the oil exploration industry.
... as well as in the adult entertainment industry!
"Creativity is allowing ones self to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep" - Scott Adams
(A pedant is anyone who cares about at least one more detail than I do. Anyone who cares about one less detail than I do is a lazy slob, of course.)
Could it be because you're white?
I used to say I fix problems for a living. Now I say I resolve issues and I bill twice as much.
People who bite the hand that feeds them usually lick the boot that kicks them
Fools! This is Slashdot. 'Crash' means "Sudden and unanticapated halt of computing ability"
Microsoft of course.
Donating experienced personnel to the local job market.
You don't use the word "fix" because there is no such a thing as a problem. It is a challenge.
Breakfast served all day!
Sounds like he needs to leverage his core competencies to promulgate synergistic market-oriented strategies.
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."
How true it is.
Could it be because you're white?
That's chromatically challenged, thank you.
Star Pirates
Thus far, I haven't been able to get it
I recommend "Spread the teachings of Christ. Preferrably without killing non-believers or touching little boys."
Mission: We will serve our customers with (1) top-quality service, (2) good advice and (3) fair business practices.
Like most mission statements, this isn't actually a statement of your mission. It is a statement of how you want to behave while on your mission. Try adding the word "computer" somewhere in that sentence so that people can get an idea of what you actually DO. This will help you eliminate the cruft. Otherwise you will be providing your customers with top-quality service in the field of malaysian sweatshop labor.