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Celebrity AD&D Character Sheets
GnomeIllusionist writes "In their continuing tribute to Gary Gygax, Wired has created character sheets for nine celebrities. Apparently, Stephen Hawking can do 10D6 radiation damage to his enemies and Rick Astley is a 20th-Level bard. Steve Jobs' black turtleneck is actually magical armor with +6 against edged attacks." Most of them are kinda cheesy and obvious- I wonder if you can do better.
Web Master
Chaotic Basement Troll
Strength: Pi
Intelligence: 4
Wisdom: 12
Constitution: 18
Dexterity: 7
Charisma: 1
Special Abilities: Posses the inability to discern between 'there' and 'their' while at the same time lacking any clue of what news is.
My work here is dung.
The actual character sheets of celebrity players like Vin Diesel and Stephen Colbert.
Hawking has to roll every time he gets near a flight of stairs in a melee or takes the tumble critical hit..
This is my sig.
His intelligence > his shoe size.
Some mistake, surely ?
Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma
REDMOND, WA--Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.
to being rick-rolled
This article invoked my +12 gaydar of seeing.
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
...I'm not sure this qualifies as news.
+5 missile attack
captcha: bashing
Rick astley posted by: anon
Bush would be lawful evil, not chaotic neutral... So few people seem to grasp precisely how that alignment works. The best description I one saw was in an old Dragon magazine: think Daffy Duck.
Rick Astley's character sheet neglects to mention a few things -- he is under a permanent Geas of loyalty. Rick is unable to abandon party members for any reason (although his party members may choose to leave him if they initiate the separation). In addition, he is unable to speak any untruth which causes emotional anguish to another.
Rick also has a compulsion to explain to others his emotional state and how he is feeling, which results in a penalty to all rolls involving deception (except vs. ducks). However, this feature is not a Geas and is merely a personality trait.
Paris Hilton
Actress
Chaotic Neutral Human
Strength: 9 Intelligence: 9 Wisdom: 8 Constitution: 10 Dexterity: 14 Charisma: 18
Special Abilities: Wiggling out of jail time for DUI charges, washing cars in an entertaining manner.
George W. Bush
17th -level politician
Chaotic Neutral Human
Strength: 11 Intelligence: 10 Wisdom: 6 Constitution: 12 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 16
Special Abilities: Always wins eligible elections, takes no damage for corporate connections, has the ability to prevaricate perfectly, and always goes first in initiative in attacks via other countries.
Ron Paul
23rd-Level Lawful Good Wizard
Strength: 10 Intelligence: 17 Wisdom:17 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 13
Special Abilities: Can see into the future, but must roll Charisma or less on d100 to convince anyone he's right. Can summon 1,000 devoted followers on command, and can pull 10,000 GP out of his hat as needed -- but no one knows how. His presence at delivery adds +1 to all child's attributes.
Steve Jobs
21st Level Paladin
Strength: 12 Intelligence: 15 Wisdom: 17 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 20
Special Abilities: Reality Distortion field allows him to temporarily influence any character, if he rolls less than his Charisma, minus the target's Intelligence.
Special Equipment: +6 Magical Armor appears as a black turtleneck and blue jeans, but protects him from edged attacks.
Dean Kamen
43rd-Level Human*
Strength: 10 Intelligence: 22 Wisdom: 23 Dexterity: 13 Charisma: 16
Special Abilities: Can instantaneously invent anything to solve any problem.
Special Equipment: 6-wheeled, gyroscope-balanced battle chair. Dean's Dexterity is reduced by one and STR increased by two when riding the battle chair.
Magical "water box." Powered by fire. Makes clean water and provides a bright light that can be used to reduce an opponent's dexterity by two points.
*His exact origin/species is in dispute.
Stephen Hawking
25th-Level Cosmologist
Neutral Good Human
Strength: 3 Dexterity: 2 Constitution: 10 Intelligence: 28 Wisdom: 20 Charisma: 12
Special Abilities: Time dilation at will, and Hawking Radiation. Any nongenius within a 60-foot radius take 10d6 radiation damage. Base movement: 6 ft/round
Special Equipment: Wheelchair of translation.
Richard Dawkins
22th-Level Evolutionary Biologist
Lawful Neutral Human
Strength: 12 Dexterity: 13 Constitution: 10 Intelligence: 18 Wisdom: 22 Charisma: 25
Special Abilities: Spell Resistance Infinite (because magic is not real).
All Cleric-Priest within 60 feet gain 2 negate levels due to logical paradox.
Special Equipment: Spectacles of Trueseeing (always sees things as they really are).
Rick Astley
20th-Level Bard
Strength: 8 Intelligence: 9 Wisdom: 10 Constitution: 10 Dexterity: 18 Charisma: 18
Special Abilities: Uses Dex. bonus for all Dance-related checks due to years of training in the art of '80s pop dancing. Can rickroll targets for 5d6 of humiliation damage.
Mr. T
lvl9 Fighter / lvl7 Barbarian
Strength: 18 Intelligence: 8 Wisdom: 12 Constitution:16 Dexterity: 12 Charisma: 12
Special Abilities: At will: Pity (the fool). There is no save, and it is not subject to spell resistance. The effect is 4d6 subdual damage and permanent Pity.
Languages Known: English, Jibba Jabba.
No, I haven't forgotten any stats: some people just didn't seem to deserve all 6, as far as Wired was concerned!
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
Aristocrat (Neoconservative) 10/Clr2 of Jeebus
Str: 13
Dex: 8 (choked on a pretzel)
Con: 14 (able to stomach sight of Laura Bush)
Int: 8
Wis: 9*
Cha: 14 (people still like him)
HP: 10d6+2d8+24
Skill points: 13*2 (Ari) +2*1 (Clr) = 28
Profession (failed businessman) +3
Craft (ridiculous speeches) +4
Knowledge (torture methods) +5
Knowledge (religion) +2
Knowledge (pseudoscience) +3
Perform (monkey faces) +7
Neocon Bullheadedness (Ex): Analogous to the Madness rule for clerics of Tharizdun (see RttToEE), Neoconservatives add half of their Neocon level to their Wisdom for the purpose of Will saves and any checks related to avoiding changing one's mind, but subtract this number from their Wisdom for all other purposes except spellcasting. Neocons who worship Jeebus count their cleric levels as Neocon levels for this purpose.
Cause Fear (Ex): By invoking the sacred name of Terrism, Bush can cause a disturbed fearful state in those who hear his speeches. Anyone hearing such a speech for five consecutive rounds must make a Will save (DC 18) or be shaken for 24 hours. In addition, for the next four months the victim must make a Will save (DC 13) upon future mention of Terrism, or be shaken for 10 minutes. Listeners with Intelligence 12 or greater are unaffected; listeners with intelligence 16 or greater are highly amused.
Feats: Courteous Theocracy (background feat), Dodge Draft, Thrall to Demon (Karl Rove), Weapon Focus (flag lapel pin), Dodge (for hunting with Cheney)
Typical cleric spells prepared: **can't cast spells, Wis10**
Ok. Two problems here. Firstly, these are so very far from being character sheets. They'd be useless stat blocks for an NPC, let alone a decent character sheet. Sadly inferior to the Onion article.
Secondly, AD&D. WTF? That was 2.5 editions ago. I thought Wired was supposed to be about the cutting edge!
And, now that I've completely overreacted, I'll switch out of Comic Book Guy mode and return to you to your regular programming.
Some people seem to feel that ADHD is critical to being a geek somehow.
There - fixed.
no disrespect to Mr. T, but Chuck Norris would have been much better. Chuck Norris Lawful Good Superhuman Strength: 20 Intelligence: 10 Wisdom: 12 Constitution: 16 Dexterity: 18 Charisma: 15 Special Abilities: Tears cure all afflictions. Roundhouse kick, if rolled higher than 1d4, defeats enemy. Beard has special powers not yet seen.
"22th-Level Evolutionary Biologist"
how about 22nd..
looks like an editor just failed an intelligence check.
Everyone knows that as soon as you introduce the Chuck Norris character into the game, it ends as all the other characters get roundhouse kicked into another alternate universe.
Also, Chuck Norris always wins, even with a 1. Nobody else dares roll the dice to counter. It is said that someone tried once - they rolled a blank - the pips on the die had turned white in fear of Chuck Norris.
"Good and evil need no explanation" ... if you've figured out what's good and what's evil in this crazy world, please share!
Augh!
Slashdot is an awesome place to find out about the latest Internet Explorer vulnerabilities and the hippest Linux distros. But it's a truly dreadful, forsaken, necrotic place for getting legal advice and for finding the funny.
Funny is embedded in an underground cavern on the dark side of the moon from Slashdot. Funny is being cryogenically frozen in carbonite while Slashdot looks on and taunts funny with the voice of James Earl Jones. Funny is imprisoned in Florida, recounting hanging chad from the 2000 election, while Slashdot rules the country for eight years and mispronounces the word "nuclear".
King of the Hill, My Name Is Earl, Wonder Showzen, Look Around You: all funny! Linux startup scripts, Microsoft patent trolling, packet sniffers going 1.0, DVORAK keyboards, anything written to be sung to the tune of anything else, parodies of Magic cards depicting tech moguls: all not funny!
There exists a damned fine reason why the Slashdot moderators are making millions writing PHP and perl scripts, and not making millions writing Hollywood sitcoms. 'CAUSE SLASHDOT IS NOT FUNNY!
Now I'm going to be moderated a troll by someone who writes parodies of Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. Sigh.
+6 immunity to reason
The day that Slashdotters come up with something better than Wired magazine does, I'll tune in to watch the original showing of the last episode of TNG.
> Paris Hilton
> Chaotic Neutral Human
> Strength: 9 Intelligence: 9 Wisdom: 8 Constitution: 10 Dexterity: 14 Charisma: 18
That's way too high an int & wis.
> George W. Bush
> Chaotic Neutral Human
> Strength: 11 Intelligence: 10 Wisdom: 6 Constitution: 12 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 16
Ditto. Also, I'd lower that charisma a bit.
> Ron Paul
> 23rd-Level Lawful Good Wizard
> Strength: 10 Intelligence: 17 Wisdom:17 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 13
> Special Abilities: Can see into the future, but must roll Charisma or less on d100 to convince anyone he's right. Can summon
> 1,000 devoted followers on command, and can pull 10,000 GP out of his hat as needed -- but no one knows how. His presence at
> delivery adds +1 to all child's attributes.
Lawful NEUTRAL. A person of good alignment (which is not the same as being "good") would act to help others EVEN IF IT HARMED THEMSELVES. Ron Paul opposes welfare and other government programs which do exactly that (helps others at his expense) on the grounds that they're unlawful (unconstitutional). That may be a good thing to some, but it is NOT of good alignment.
Charisma would have to be about two points lower, per that special ability, because he only got ~10% of the Republican vote nationally. And those are just from the primaries, which only encompass half the voters.
He's more of an economist than a wizard, for that matter.
> Dean Kamen
> Special Abilities: Can instantaneously invent anything to solve any problem.
> Special Equipment: 6-wheeled, gyroscope-balanced battle chair. Dean's Dexterity is reduced by one and STR increased by two
> when riding the battle chair.
> Stephen Hawking
These two should pair up!
> Richard Dawkins
> 22th-Level Evolutionary Biologist
> Lawful Neutral Human
> Strength: 12 Dexterity: 13 Constitution: 10 Intelligence: 18 Wisdom: 22 Charisma: 25
Charisma is too high; he's not quite that influential. Certainly not more so than Steve Jobs! Speaking of which, it would be interesting to see him paired up vs. Jobs' RDF.
> Mr. T
> Level 9 Fighter / Level 7 Barbarian
> Strength: 18 Intelligence: 8 Wisdom: 12 Constitution:16 Dexterity: 12 Charisma: 12
Both int, con and level are too low. He's NOT dumber than Paris Hilton and George Bush! He also should've been able to roll for exceptional strength as a fighter.
Sheesh, I've only played AD&D once and I know more about the rules than these folks...
Too easy...
No sig today...
If he is riding a mountainbike he has to roll a 20 to prevent a 10d6 chin bash.
If pretzels are in the room he must make a saving roll or suffer 1d8 choking.
When running for election he gets +2 votes every time he rubs his diebold device.
All members of his party suffer a -1 constitution drain per day, unless they resign.
When speaking to world leaders he loses 10 charisma and all exit doors become illusions.
JCx
But if I hurt Cmdr Taco's feelings, I'll make it up to him:
eldavojohn
Slashdotter
Narcotic Basement Sheep
Strength: i
Intelligence: 3
Wisdom: 4
Constitution: 18
Dexterity: 19
Charisma: 2
Special Abilities: Will suck dick for karma. Extreme dexterity gives him ability to stick foot in own mouth. Often acts like a know-it-all about topics he has no right commenting on. When challenged, often flies into frenzied rage and adds +7 to defensive rhetoric with a tree hugging hippy slant to it. Member of Slashdot hive mind mentality.
Christ, if you can't laugh about everything what's the point of living?
My work here is dung.
A nightelf Mohawk. =) Although maybe they grabbed his real sheet, i mean, Mr. T IS handy with computers and has an antiquated hairstyle.
Non impediti ratione cogitationus.
this totally made my day. Sadly none of these characters are capable of casting resurrection on poor Gary :(
That being said, here is my contribution, which his hopefully way more cheesy . Everyone knows that John Holmes had (at least) a +5 wand!
Guns don't kill people; Physics kills people! - John Lithgow as Dick Solomon on Third Rock From The Sun
Dude, it's funny. Get over it.
Qxe4
I can't believe they didn't mention Stallman the almighty wizard of gnu (come on he does have the beard, and I wouldn't be all that surprised if he had a funny looking hat)
chaotic good
not forgetting the omnipresent torvalds (if that isn't a magic sounding name I don't know what is)
chaotic neutral
http://www.antipope.org/charlie/blog-static/2008/03/politics_as_she_is_played.html
I would suspect that he is now unable to 'get over' anything. He was probably killed by mysterious roundhouse related injuries within seconds of his post being submitted.
"Physics is to math as sex is to masturbation." -R. Feynman
yea really. what a douche.
-Clio
Karma: Bad (mostly from not giving a fuck)
Blog: http://clintjcl.wordpress.com
Socialite should be a class, i just dont feel right classifying Paris as an actress.
My -1 Troll is actually a +1 funny. And my -1 flame is actually a +1 insightfull.
Make sure it's AD&D, and not AT&T.
TFA missed an obvious entry: Gary Gygax. I'm sure someone here has peeked at Gygax's character sheet.
After all this time of silly politics or pointless reruns of DMCA or copyright cases, finally, we have some refreshingly nerdy news for nerds.
I thought that you rolled three six-sided dice to create character stats. 3*6=18
So how would someone have a number higher than 18? I'm not trolling, I swear. I'm honestly curious. (I'm in the process of reading the DND for Dummies book in anticipation of getting some friends playing this summer. Yes, I have the 3.5 PHB, I've just skimmed it so far though.)
> Because the character she portrays on "reality" TV is stupid? Because she doesn't wear underwear? Because she doesn't have a job? None of those suggest stupidity to me.
What makes you think it's a "character" on TV? I thought it was called reality TV because they didn't want to pay actors.
> She has attained a huge amount of fame and fortune (not all of it inherited) by doing absolutely nothing but playing the media. That doesn't sound like stupid to me.
First, she had her fortune already, but I see you admitted that much. She didn't get that from the TV. Second, the fame (more like infamy) first came from an inadvertent role in a terrible sex tape. She didn't "play" the media at all. Some random reality show gave her a spot because of this infamy (they knew it would buy them some eyeballs).
If she were smart, she would avoid fame like hell. It's NOT all it's cracked up to be. Now people are sick of hearing about her. Tabloids, not to mention creepy people, stalk her. Her every mistake is now gossip column material.
And what's the upside? More money she doesn't need? People making a fuss over her whenever she goes out in public? Maybe that feeds someone's ego, but it gets pretty damn tiring after a while. You can't be normal any more and that's a bad thing.
I know that having everything tends to make one bored. But fame is no cure for that. I don't even read the gossip rags and I know how many people have destroyed their lives due to fame and money. It's not coincidental that you're always hearing about them going into rehab.
But that's just me. Truly, not many are smart, wise or well-disciplined enough to handle fame & fortune. Personally, I would avoid the whole mess, but it's easier said than done.
Unholy Outsider --Race unknown
Chaotic Evil
Str: 8
Int: 15
Wis: 10
Dex: 11
Cha: 6
Here come da fudge!
He probably developed a LISP after being round-house kicked in the face for using Vi in the presence of his master. The lost-teeth that so inspired his lisp will be a living memorial on the charity GNU Emacs invites into everyone's life.
I won't argue with Dawkins' high WIS value, not because I think it's warranted, but because I know there'll be no getting through to the Wired crowd there. But seriously, how does Dean Kamen end up with a higher WIS value than Stephen Hawking?! The most gifted physicist in a hundred years is apparently less wise than the guy who tried to sell everyone a "Segway"?
I saw an interesting spoof of one of those office motivational posters (not quite a Demotivator (tm), just your typical LOLposter) with a photo of Dubbya.
The caption read:
That just seems totally appropriate here. :)
See, when I read the title I thought the article was about celebrities who play AD&D and the characters they run. That would have been interesting.