Since I'm totally fucking buzzed on cheap wine and cheaper vodka right now (kids, lissen up, Don't mix yer alcohols, it's bad news all the way around), I maligned and mangled my AYCH TEE EMM ELL. See, here's the link: href="http://3fs.the0rem.net/articles/hives.shtml (see, hives... reaction... get it, get it?)and copy-pasted for easy copy-pasting into your address bar.
Click click. I'm verily upset that we won't see an updated PSR (or even Mah Jonng Hyper Reaction, while cool, is nowhere near as great as Pachinko Sexy) for the Gamecube.
Also dashed are our dreams for an updated Vice: Project Doom. (INSERT FROWNY-FACE EMOTICON HERE)
intentionally left blank
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GTA3 Multiplayer
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· Score: 0, Flamebait
It kind of makes you wonder, why wasn't multiplayer not added to this game by default? I mean, a Windows PC isn't a goddamned Playstation. It doesn't have to do that split-screen multiplayer horseshit and chug on the admittedly impressive GTA graphics. How come the Windows version of the game didn't come with out-of-the-box multiplayer?
Every time a friend comes over to play GTA3 or Vice City on my Playstation, they always bitch and whine 'why isn't this game multiplayer?' to which I can never give a satisfactory answer.
All I can say is maaaaan, GTA3 would be k-rad multiplayer. If only I could get the Windows port to you know, run faster than three frames per second on my machine...
A second aside: To the nimrod who made a DUR DUR IS THIS LEGAL comment: quit being a fucking retard. This is a GAME MODIFICATION which is very legal, just not in accordance to the ol' EULA thing that we all ignore and click OK at. If there were a warranty on the software, installing a modification would void it (wooo, if you break the game you can GASP just reinstall it off the disk!) Didn't you like, hear of Counterstrike and its ilk? All of whom are mods for a highly-profitable video game which for some reason or another still rakes in the shekels hand-over-fist six years ex post facto.
OMG WOULDN'T IT BE WAY FUNNY IF I POSTED SOMETHING LAME TO SLASHDOT LIKE "HIS FIRST MESSAGE WAS 'KIN YEW HEAR ME NOW? GOOD!' HAR HAR HAR JESUS CHRIST I'M A FUNNY PERSON!!!!" BLAM BLAM BLAM WITH THE GUN, HACK WHACK WITH THE KNIFE. YOUR DEAD FUCKING HEAD DOWN THE TOILET
Shut the fuck up, man. I wish that, for once in your miserable motherfucking lives, you idiots would post something 'hilarious' to Slashdot about a silly-ass story that, By God needs a long groupings of hilarity to at least give us a bit of a chuckle in this post Gay-Ass-Slashdot-April-Fools-Horseshit world in which we live. CAN NOT YOU SEE THAT THIS SAD LIFE OF OURS NEEDS HUMOR (or 'humour' as speakers of the archaic dialect tend to misspell the word)?
In closing, as I swish down this last drop of partially-frozen sangria wine before heading off to bed, is that I prefer it when somebody takes the time and effort to make a whimsical, witty, intelligent post and OH MY THE LAKE IS A-BURNIN' said post gets moderated up, up, up into the stratsphere of Plus Five.
Goodnight and Good Riddance you sober motherfucks. When the world collapses in on itself, remember fools, that us winos will inherit what's left of this rock and stumble and climb atop one another, scrabbling and clawing for that last swig out of the Night Train (it's fortified! folks) bottle.
I used to work at an incredibly busy CompUSA back when I was putting myself through college, I worked behind the register and had to put up with any number of fucking (A)Assholes, (B)Jerks, (C)Fucklickers (D)Cunts and/or (E)Wastes of Meat every day of my miserable existance there. Every day, these pricks would come in, verbally abuse me and then give me their credit card number.
I cannot believe the amount of trust these dickheads put into me, a lowly redshirted laser-slinger. These were people who would verbally abuse me, harass me, scream, yell, pester and generally treat me as something beneath the lump of Fluffy's late night cat puke that they caked off of the designer argyle socks that cost more than they make in a day.
Every time one of those shits oh-so-respectfully tossed me their credit card (They'd never hand it to me, oh no... never just hand it to me) then get all indignant that I ask to check their ID, even though it says in big, block letters 'CHECK ID' on the little 'sign here' strip on the back... I'd just smile... You know the smile, the one that a pudgy Vincent D'Nofrio shot at the sergeant before putting one in his chest while I simply took their reciept and folded it in half and stuck it in a little slot on my register.
Had I been just a little dumber or a bit ballsier, I'd be rolling in all the pre-Pentium 3 generation hardware and pre-Kazaa generation illicit software that I could have purchased on their dimes.
Point being: Why why why do these people who are so abusive to those of us who (A)Handle Their Credit Cards and (B)Handle Their Food treat us in such a manner?
No, I haven't done anything yet. I'm going to wait until this whole thing blows over, then... and only then... do we get a Free Ass 17" Powerbook, a Free Ass 12" Powerbook and a Free Ass dual G4 1ghz machine with two or three Free Ass 23" Cinema Displays.
MAYBE THAT IT IS BECAUSE AMERICAN COMICS SUCK ASS AND JAP COMICS ARE DECENTLY DRAWN AND INTELLIGENTLY WRITTEN!?!!? GET OUT!!!
Also: Note the perponderance of fucky comics, which as the internet has led me to believe, are sold in telephone book-sized tomes and EVERYBODY reads them on the subways while jerking their pathetic little pricks.
Could also be that they're moderately priced and not utterly retarded? Last time I bought a comic book, the fucking thing cost three bucks. THREE BUCKS?! For about twenty pages of utter crap. Last time I bought a japper fucky-comic, I did so for about a buck, and I got more entertainment value out of it than I did out of whatever crap that Marvel shat into my eyes (Uh, I think it was a Spider-Man book, last one I bought... with the ALL NEW, ALL ORIGINAL enemy TYPEFACE. Yes, He rearranges letters on his face to kill his enemies... I think he wore purple tights and yellow panties over them, I have a hard time recalling. High Literature there, pals).
Awhile back, it was stated that XBox game discs spun backwards, thus making emulation and even making legitimate backups as close to impossible as anyone could ever imagine.
As for this current discussion, this makes me totally upset, because I've been wanting, for months for someone to start releasing hacks of our favorite next-gen console games.
TONY HAWK PRO SEGWAY 2 WILL BE THE BEST ROM HACK EVER. Well, almost as good as Mega Crap...
I'm imagining this book as written by a latter-years Robert A. Heinlein. You know, when he stopped writing quaint little "juvenile fiction" novels like Red Planet, Space Cadet and The Man Who Sold The Moon, and passed his "grim, gritty, post-future holocaust" novels like Stranger In A Strange Land and Starship Troopers.
No... I can imagine it as written by the dirty old sex-obsessed mathematician that wrote books like Number Of The Beast. You know the ones I'm talking about. Like a Harelquin romance novel but with mathematicians, so it was cool and all for us dorks in high school to flip through the pages in the prolonged periods of downtime that we had in our English 3 classes back in high school. Yeah, you know those interminable stretches of time when the teacher was forcing you to read Grapes Of Wrath in class when all you wanted to do was bury your nose into some Clarke or Asimov or even Niven.
So you'd sit there and turn the pages of Number Of The Beast slowly, your eyes darting up to your short, round, blonde teacher yammering away about the Joad family and their time in Needles (yeah, Steinbeck really made that fucking place seem just plain OMINOUS, really built it up to be about fifty thousand times more impressive than it really is. HEY KIDS! THEY'RE JUST FUCKING ROCKS!) between line breaks. Oh no, you're there reading a novel written by a man deep in the grip of senile dementia. One page will be discussing the six-dimensional nature of the universe, the next be describing in meticulous detail sex acts between two middle-aged paunchy scientists. Alternate universes, new positions... This book wavers between insanity and inanity.
Now... Imagine the Lord of the Rings written in that style... Of course, since women in Tolkien's universe are about as rare as dragons (and the menfolk would much rather quest after said scale-beast than spend some "quality time" with the comely lasses) there would be a marked increase of homoerotic tension in the novel, punctuated with page after page of lovingly-detailed discussion on the technology and mathematics of Sauruman's magic powers.
Couple that with some Ents and a few Orcs and a Goblin or three and we'll have the best goddamned novel ever written.
MOST "ATTITUDE"! BEST MALE CHARACTER! MOST ANTICIPATED GAME!
Wait, what am I saying, the works of Color Dreams / Wisdom Tree will end up taking the gold. COME ON BIBLE ADVENTURES, OPERATION SECRET STRIKE, YOU FUCKING GO AND GIVE DUKE NUKEM THE GODDAMNED BEAT DOWN.
If American Sammy isn't at least given their "Mad Propz, Yo" we can sufficiently say that this show is "Motherfucking Rigged"
Yes indeedy that was from Impossible Mission, one of the raddest games for that sweet, sweet little C64 that we know and love and jerk our pathetic little pricks to whenever we get the chance.
Yeah, sure the Turbo Duo was great, but did it have full voice emulation, a host of killer robots AND heroes that had 15 frames of RUNNING ANIMATION?!
I think you and I both know the answer to that!
If anybody wants to get the sound clips from that sweet, sweet game (really, the sound bites are fucking phenomenal and awesome) one should head, MOSEY if they would over to ZVGQ and peruse the IM page. Truly, worth your time. And a way fucking better meme than the Zero Wing intro (coincidentally, ZVGQ was the originator of that insipid, braincurdling little sack of shit and Lago would rather have nothing to do with the site anymore as a result) Hooray for progress!
Jesus, why didn't this article go over that classic of modern anime, La Blue Girl? I mean, jesus, if you've been on the internet for more than two months, then you're BOUND to have downloaded, jerked, spurted to at least ONE shoddy, seven second clip from that magnum opus of the animated arts.
This drunken post brough to you by Ecchi Attack and a freshly-empty fifth of Ten High Kentucky Bourbon.
Pokey and Mr. Nutty are standing on the Arctic Circle snowfield.
Pokey: WHY MR. NUTTY, WHATEVER DO YOU HAVE THERE?!?!
Mr. Nutty: WHY OLD BEAN, IT IS MY NEW PENTIUM FOUR 4.7GHZ MICROCOMPUTER PROCESSOR!!!
Pokey: MR. NUTTY. YOUR NEW COMPUTER IS CAUSING UNDUE HEAT STRESS ON THE ARCTIC ICE PACK. WE WILL SOON ALL DIE AS OUR PRECIOUS ARCTIC CIRCLE CANDY CANNOT GROW IN THIS UNSEASONABLE WARMTH.
Enter Little Girl, stage left
Little Girl: POKEY! THE ITALIANS ARE ON THE HORIZON! THEY ARE PIRATES AND OUT TO STEAL OUR ARCTIC CIRCLE CANDY.
Pokey and Mr. Nutty, In Unison: OH NO!
Pokey: WE SHOULD MUSTER A DEFENSE!
Mr. Nutty: SMASHING!
Pokey, Mr. Nutty and Little Girl head to the Arctic Circle Candy field. An Italian ship is on the horizon. Fast closing in on the precious Arctic Circle Candy, we see the scurrilous
ITALIANS closing fast on the Arctic Circle Candy.
All: ITALIANS!!!
Little Girl: QUICK POKEY, THE ITALIANS ARE APPROACHING RAPIDLY!
Pokey: QUICK MR. NUTTY, USE YOUR AWESOME UPPER-BODY FORTITUDE, HURL YOUR PENTIUM AT THE ITALIAN VESSLE!
Mr. Nutty hefts the hot computer and using his incredible strength, flings the machine all the way to the horizon, where it lands on the deck of the Italians' ship. The ship instantly bursts into flame and sinks.
The remanining Italians along with Pokey, Mr. Nutty and Little Girl let out a cheer!
Everybody: HOORAY! THE ITALIANS HAVE BEEN DEFEATED AND THE ARCTIC CIRCLE CANDY IS SAFE! ARCTIC CIRCLE CANDY FOR EVERYBODY!
The evidence that life has fostered on the Earth's Sister Planet is a dire and grim proposition for the future of the human race. If we don't strike now, these phosphate-producing bacteria may, in billions of years evolve to a spacefaring race with religious viewpoints opposing The One True Way.
We must strike now, to wipe out these bacteria before it is too late! I beg of you, Mister President. Launch the nukes. It's the only chance that we have to eradicate these monsters before they can oppose Earth and America and Christianity! LAUNCH THE MISSILES! NOW!
God I'm drunk (on love, Pokey?) Yes Little Girl, drunk on love. And whisky. But mainly whisky.
Seriously, does anybody fucking care anymore? Napster is dead, boo hoo. Kazaa seems to be alive and kicking and downloading me up an assload of warez and mp3s AS I TYPE. Some seem to dig on Morpheus/Gnutella. Good for them. Still others use that one wacky one for the Mac, good for them still. Does ANYBODY use Napster anymore? Hell, I never used Napster as I didn't manage to get faster than a BLAZING, FLAMING, SCORCHING 19.1kb/s connection over our sixty-year-old, never-maintained phone lines (hell, I didn't get faster until I got the cablemodem plugged in), so I didn't start with this whole whiz-bang file-sharing doodad with mp3s and shit until about a year ago, well after Napster's official "demise."
God I'm drunker than fuck right now, boyoes. I don't know exactly what I'm getting at, other than SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!!1 (as does vodka, tequila, pissy "lite beer")
I've always said that a robot could kick the SHIT out of a human at nascar. After all, how complex is 10: GO FAST 20: TURN LEFT? I bet that in five years, we'll have robots (read a bungee cord and a brick) trouncing humans at nascar. Naturally, it'll probably take the application of the AI in Gran Tourismo (ever see that asshole wreck? NO) to get robot cars to do Real Racing (grand touring, gran prix and rally). I say we leave the nas/indy car crap to the machines and go outside and play.
Ahh sweet sweet Megatokyo... the BESTEST COMIC ONLINE! HA! My god I crack me up. MT has become somewhat of an internet counterculture icon in its few years in publication. I don't know a single member of our small counterculture revolution that can STAND Piro's whiny DOOD THIS IS MY TOKYO, GET USED TO IT stance on his little webcomic. Yeah yeah yeah HIS webcomic. Big deal. He's got a fucking webcomic and a smattering of "talent" this makes him one of the most beloved icons in the "webcomics scene" as it were?
Now, remember, this is the same scene that elevated the 8BT guy, a person who is PROFITING on ANTOTHER COMPANY'S IP, to godhood.
Back in the early days of webcomicing, there was some integrity and actual wit and originality. Now everything's degraded to crap like User Friendly, Megatokyo and 8BT. I don't understand WHY this utter shit is so BELOVED when there are real, good comics out there that are actually DESERVING of high praise and love from the community (ie: Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, Pentasmal and Anime Moments in History), usually due to the FUNNY that they contain. Aw fuck it, you retards are going to mod me into oblivion and right now, baby the whisky is doing the talking, not me. If you've a problem with it, I'll KILL YOU AT OTACON (if you don't get THAT then you're similarly as worthless as the dork who does Megatokyo. No fucking wonder "Largo" left in disgust and rants long windedly at how gay "Piro" is and how god damned preachy and utterly faggy that MT has become homph glomph like an octopus at the boner buffet).
In closing, Die Megatokyo die, you are not the pinnacle of webcomics like you think you are.
INT, STORE, NIGHT. CUSTOMER walks into a near empty store, he steps through the doors cautiously, peering around curious as to where the hell the clerks are.
Customer: Hello..? uh... hello...? I want ta get a copy of Windows XP. Is anybody here?
CLERK, unseen: Is it safe?
Customer: Is what safe?
Clerk: Is it safe?
Customer, preturbed: Yes... It's safe. It's very safe...
Clerk: Is it safe?
Customer: Lissen! Are you going to come out, or what?
Clerk: Is it safe?
Customer: THIS ISN'T FUNNY!
Clerk 2: It puts the lotion on its skin and puts it in the basket.
Clerk: Shut up man. Is it safe? Is it safe? IS IT SAFE?
Customer: STOP IT! I JUST WANT A COPY OF WINDOWS XP! (Customer breaks down to the floor, sobbing) I just want a copy of XP...
Clerk: Is it safe?
Customer screams and runs out of the store, climbs into his car, which immediatley spins out and slams into a fire hydrant. The car bursts into flame. The customer bails from the car and runs down the darkened, abandoned street. He gets a half dozen steps from the car, and then he, illogically and without reason, bursts into flame himself.
Clerk 1: Thirty seconds, You owe me five bucks.
Clerk 2: I don't have five bucks.
Clerk 1: Take it from the register.
On-topic discussion part.
THEY TOLD ME IT WAS SAFE! I TRUSTED YOU MICROSOFT! I TRUSTED YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! YOU BLEW IT UP, YOU MANIACS YOU BLEW IT UP! "PokeySteve, are you drunk?" "Yes, but on love. And whisky. But mainly whisky."
I can put up with the lack of Alt tags and my apparent inablity to get plugins to work (flash, javascript, quicktime et al) by far overshadows the annoying pop ups and PLZ DOWNLOAD THIS GATOR THING K THX BYE! windows that deluge you when trolling through Geocities (or wherever, I just notice an abundance of them on Geocities). Man, it does feel nice. Liberating even. If we just got alt tags (because jerks like me like to put witty ephitets behind my images) in Opera, I'd say that it is my favoritest web browser.
My argument against being forced to wear seatbelts, is just that, we're FORCED to wear them. I hate the things. Fucking buckles never seem to latch in right, they always tend to lock up on me before I get them pulled out of the wall to latch them in, so I have to retract them the whole way, then start pulling it out again. Fucking pain in the ass.
I've been in two car accidents in my life, both times, I was hurt because of the seatbelt. First time, it was just a bruise, second time, it was a broken collarbone. Had I had the damn thing off, I would have escaped completely unharmed (I drive a Volkswagen, '72 Beetle, not exactly the safest machine on the road). If I ever got into a Real Accident, I'd be dead anyway. So why even bother with the seatbelt? I did some calculations, If I got into a head-on at 65, the bolts that hold the belts to the body of the car would be torn out by my inertia. So, I've never seen a point, really.
So, I drive "unsafely" The only person that I'm potentially endangering by not wearing my seatbelt is MYSELF. There is no reason, no point in a policeman issuing ME a five fucking hundred dollar ticket just because I am potentially putting MYSELF in danger. Hey, fuckheads, I shoot black powder, that shit's dangerous too! Had it go off while I was capping, almost put a.44 caliber ball through my foot, better fucking arrest me, because I'm NOT BEING SAFE. I (used to, thank you very much, California) keep my USP.45 loaded, charged and hammer-dropped at my hip. OH GOD I COULD POSSIBLY SHOOT MYSELF! MAY AS WELL FINE ME FOR NOT BEING SAFE!!! Fuck, I hate this Nanny State mentality, the whole "fine you for not wearing your seatbelt" is only the first step. Before you know it, everything that's not safe, scissors made of metal, kitchen knives, glass bottles, can openers, will all be made ILLEGAL, because a small, extremely vocal subset of the populace thinks that the Government should make unsafe activities ILLEGAL, rather than leaving the safety up to the person who is doing the activity.
Fuck that noise. I keep hoping for a newspaper to slip through a crack in spacetime decreeing that this small, vocal subset was the first up against the wall when the revolution came.
Randal: Wanna watch a video? Dante: Sure, whaddaya got? Randal: Speilberg's latest opus, it combines his nose for commercial properties with his integrity as a chronicler of the Holocaust. Flinstone's List. Liam Neison as Fred. Dante: We're not watchin' that... (Dante throws the tape to the floor out of disgust) Hey, remember the time we watched that? (flashback sequence)
The film's tagline, er, the Society's tagline, just sends a shiver down my spine: "Safety IS Freedom." Wonderful dystopian world view, just like in Farenheit 451, bastardizing something that Ben Franklin had said regarding the most basic of human freedoms. Just plain beautiful on Speilberg's part.
But, I'm certain that we can rest assured that those in power in Warshington will see this as the WAVE OF THE FUTURE! SAFTEY IS FREEDOM! And while we're at it, democracy works, right?
Bah. I just recently moved from Nevada to The Great Socialist Utopia across the Sierras. (for monetary reasons, not by fucking choice). I've been here for three days, and I already miss my freedoms. This "seatbelt" bullshit makes me want to exact my patriotism and destroy any tyrant who dares impede my freedom to keep me "safe."
Been here for half a week, and I'm already wanting to kill cops and politicians. This place fucking turns men into animals. I must free myself...
Consider my ass out there this weekend! I'll see if I can get our fledgling Planetary Society chapter to haul their lazy, sluglike posteriors out there.
What I wouldn't give to have a 3D TV hooked up through my TVout card, running MAME and playing a rousing round of Pachinko Sexy Reaction (hertofore to be referred to as "the best game ever"). Well, of COURSE you could play Doom or even Quake at lo-rez, but hell, who wouldn't wanna play PSR on a 3D TV?
Slashdot Mirror
My response:
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I hope there was at least some subtext of irony there, chumpley.
Oh you've made this old Slashdotter an amused chump you have. Many Kudos! go out to you and your kin!
Since I'm totally fucking buzzed on cheap wine and cheaper vodka right now (kids, lissen up, Don't mix yer alcohols, it's bad news all the way around), I maligned and mangled my AYCH TEE EMM ELL. See, here's the link: href="http://3fs.the0rem.net/articles/hives.shtml (see, hives... reaction... get it, get it?)and copy-pasted for easy copy-pasting into your address bar.
Fucking rocked.
Click click. I'm verily upset that we won't see an updated PSR (or even Mah Jonng Hyper Reaction, while cool, is nowhere near as great as Pachinko Sexy) for the Gamecube.
Also dashed are our dreams for an updated Vice: Project Doom. (INSERT FROWNY-FACE EMOTICON HERE)
It kind of makes you wonder, why wasn't multiplayer not added to this game by default? I mean, a Windows PC isn't a goddamned Playstation. It doesn't have to do that split-screen multiplayer horseshit and chug on the admittedly impressive GTA graphics. How come the Windows version of the game didn't come with out-of-the-box multiplayer?
Every time a friend comes over to play GTA3 or Vice City on my Playstation, they always bitch and whine 'why isn't this game multiplayer?' to which I can never give a satisfactory answer.
All I can say is maaaaan, GTA3 would be k-rad multiplayer. If only I could get the Windows port to you know, run faster than three frames per second on my machine...
A second aside: To the nimrod who made a DUR DUR IS THIS LEGAL comment: quit being a fucking retard. This is a GAME MODIFICATION which is very legal, just not in accordance to the ol' EULA thing that we all ignore and click OK at. If there were a warranty on the software, installing a modification would void it (wooo, if you break the game you can GASP just reinstall it off the disk!)
Didn't you like, hear of Counterstrike and its ilk? All of whom are mods for a highly-profitable video game which for some reason or another still rakes in the shekels hand-over-fist six years ex post facto.
OMG WOULDN'T IT BE WAY FUNNY IF I POSTED SOMETHING LAME TO SLASHDOT LIKE "HIS FIRST MESSAGE WAS 'KIN YEW HEAR ME NOW? GOOD!' HAR HAR HAR JESUS CHRIST I'M A FUNNY PERSON!!!!" BLAM BLAM BLAM WITH THE GUN, HACK WHACK WITH THE KNIFE. YOUR DEAD FUCKING HEAD DOWN THE TOILET
Shut the fuck up, man. I wish that, for once in your miserable motherfucking lives, you idiots would post something 'hilarious' to Slashdot about a silly-ass story that, By God needs a long groupings of hilarity to at least give us a bit of a chuckle in this post Gay-Ass-Slashdot-April-Fools-Horseshit world in which we live. CAN NOT YOU SEE THAT THIS SAD LIFE OF OURS NEEDS HUMOR (or 'humour' as speakers of the archaic dialect tend to misspell the word)?
In closing, as I swish down this last drop of partially-frozen sangria wine before heading off to bed, is that I prefer it when somebody takes the time and effort to make a whimsical, witty, intelligent post and OH MY THE LAKE IS A-BURNIN' said post gets moderated up, up, up into the stratsphere of Plus Five.
Goodnight and Good Riddance you sober motherfucks. When the world collapses in on itself, remember fools, that us winos will inherit what's left of this rock and stumble and climb atop one another, scrabbling and clawing for that last swig out of the Night Train (it's fortified! folks) bottle.
I used to work at an incredibly busy CompUSA back when I was putting myself through college, I worked behind the register and had to put up with any number of fucking (A)Assholes, (B)Jerks, (C)Fucklickers (D)Cunts and/or (E)Wastes of Meat every day of my miserable existance there. Every day, these pricks would come in, verbally abuse me and then give me their credit card number.
I cannot believe the amount of trust these dickheads put into me, a lowly redshirted laser-slinger. These were people who would verbally abuse me, harass me, scream, yell, pester and generally treat me as something beneath the lump of Fluffy's late night cat puke that they caked off of the designer argyle socks that cost more than they make in a day.
Every time one of those shits oh-so-respectfully tossed me their credit card (They'd never hand it to me, oh no... never just hand it to me) then get all indignant that I ask to check their ID, even though it says in big, block letters 'CHECK ID' on the little 'sign here' strip on the back... I'd just smile... You know the smile, the one that a pudgy Vincent D'Nofrio shot at the sergeant before putting one in his chest while I simply took their reciept and folded it in half and stuck it in a little slot on my register.
Had I been just a little dumber or a bit ballsier, I'd be rolling in all the pre-Pentium 3 generation hardware and pre-Kazaa generation illicit software that I could have purchased on their dimes.
Point being: Why why why do these people who are so abusive to those of us who (A)Handle Their Credit Cards and (B)Handle Their Food treat us in such a manner?
No, I haven't done anything yet. I'm going to wait until this whole thing blows over, then... and only then... do we get a Free Ass 17" Powerbook, a Free Ass 12" Powerbook and a Free Ass dual G4 1ghz machine with two or three Free Ass 23" Cinema Displays.
Only in America, friends... Only in America
MAYBE THAT IT IS BECAUSE AMERICAN COMICS SUCK ASS AND JAP COMICS ARE DECENTLY DRAWN AND INTELLIGENTLY WRITTEN!?!!? GET OUT!!!
Also: Note the perponderance of fucky comics, which as the internet has led me to believe, are sold in telephone book-sized tomes and EVERYBODY reads them on the subways while jerking their pathetic little pricks.
Could also be that they're moderately priced and not utterly retarded? Last time I bought a comic book, the fucking thing cost three bucks. THREE BUCKS?! For about twenty pages of utter crap. Last time I bought a japper fucky-comic, I did so for about a buck, and I got more entertainment value out of it than I did out of whatever crap that Marvel shat into my eyes (Uh, I think it was a Spider-Man book, last one I bought... with the ALL NEW, ALL ORIGINAL enemy TYPEFACE. Yes, He rearranges letters on his face to kill his enemies... I think he wore purple tights and yellow panties over them, I have a hard time recalling. High Literature there, pals).
This is somewhat on-topic.
Awhile back, it was stated that XBox game discs spun backwards, thus making emulation and even making legitimate backups as close to impossible as anyone could ever imagine.
As for this current discussion, this makes me totally upset, because I've been wanting, for months for someone to start releasing hacks of our favorite next-gen console games.
TONY HAWK PRO SEGWAY 2 WILL BE THE BEST ROM HACK EVER. Well, almost as good as Mega Crap...
I'm imagining this book as written by a latter-years Robert A. Heinlein. You know, when he stopped writing quaint little "juvenile fiction" novels like Red Planet, Space Cadet and The Man Who Sold The Moon, and passed his "grim, gritty, post-future holocaust" novels like Stranger In A Strange Land and Starship Troopers.
No... I can imagine it as written by the dirty old sex-obsessed mathematician that wrote books like Number Of The Beast. You know the ones I'm talking about. Like a Harelquin romance novel but with mathematicians, so it was cool and all for us dorks in high school to flip through the pages in the prolonged periods of downtime that we had in our English 3 classes back in high school. Yeah, you know those interminable stretches of time when the teacher was forcing you to read Grapes Of Wrath in class when all you wanted to do was bury your nose into some Clarke or Asimov or even Niven.
So you'd sit there and turn the pages of Number Of The Beast slowly, your eyes darting up to your short, round, blonde teacher yammering away about the Joad family and their time in Needles (yeah, Steinbeck really made that fucking place seem just plain OMINOUS, really built it up to be about fifty thousand times more impressive than it really is. HEY KIDS! THEY'RE JUST FUCKING ROCKS!) between line breaks. Oh no, you're there reading a novel written by a man deep in the grip of senile dementia. One page will be discussing the six-dimensional nature of the universe, the next be describing in meticulous detail sex acts between two middle-aged paunchy scientists. Alternate universes, new positions... This book wavers between insanity and inanity.
Now... Imagine the Lord of the Rings written in that style... Of course, since women in Tolkien's universe are about as rare as dragons (and the menfolk would much rather quest after said scale-beast than spend some "quality time" with the comely lasses) there would be a marked increase of homoerotic tension in the novel, punctuated with page after page of lovingly-detailed discussion on the technology and mathematics of Sauruman's magic powers.
Couple that with some Ents and a few Orcs and a Goblin or three and we'll have the best goddamned novel ever written.
Duke Forever will sweep the fucking show.
MOST "ATTITUDE"!
BEST MALE CHARACTER!
MOST ANTICIPATED GAME!
Wait, what am I saying, the works of Color Dreams / Wisdom Tree will end up taking the gold. COME ON BIBLE ADVENTURES, OPERATION SECRET STRIKE, YOU FUCKING GO AND GIVE DUKE NUKEM THE GODDAMNED BEAT DOWN.
If American Sammy isn't at least given their "Mad Propz, Yo" we can sufficiently say that this show is "Motherfucking Rigged"
Yes indeedy that was from Impossible Mission, one of the raddest games for that sweet, sweet little C64 that we know and love and jerk our pathetic little pricks to whenever we get the chance.
n dex.html
Yeah, sure the Turbo Duo was great, but did it have full voice emulation, a host of killer robots AND heroes that had 15 frames of RUNNING ANIMATION?!
I think you and I both know the answer to that!
If anybody wants to get the sound clips from that sweet, sweet game (really, the sound bites are fucking phenomenal and awesome) one should head, MOSEY if they would over to ZVGQ and peruse the IM page. Truly, worth your time. And a way fucking better meme than the Zero Wing intro (coincidentally, ZVGQ was the originator of that insipid, braincurdling little sack of shit and Lago would rather have nothing to do with the site anymore as a result) Hooray for progress!
Linky poo: http://zanyvg.overclocked.org/impossiblemission/i
PENIS. IT IS A ROOT OF LUST!
Jesus, why didn't this article go over that classic of modern anime, La Blue Girl? I mean, jesus, if you've been on the internet for more than two months, then you're BOUND to have downloaded, jerked, spurted to at least ONE shoddy, seven second clip from that magnum opus of the animated arts.
This drunken post brough to you by Ecchi Attack and a freshly-empty fifth of Ten High Kentucky Bourbon.
Pokey: WHY MR. NUTTY, WHATEVER DO YOU HAVE THERE?!?!
Mr. Nutty: WHY OLD BEAN, IT IS MY NEW PENTIUM FOUR 4.7GHZ MICROCOMPUTER PROCESSOR!!!
Pokey: MR. NUTTY. YOUR NEW COMPUTER IS CAUSING UNDUE HEAT STRESS ON THE ARCTIC ICE PACK. WE WILL SOON ALL DIE AS OUR PRECIOUS ARCTIC CIRCLE CANDY CANNOT GROW IN THIS UNSEASONABLE WARMTH.
Little Girl: POKEY! THE ITALIANS ARE ON THE HORIZON! THEY ARE PIRATES AND OUT TO STEAL OUR ARCTIC CIRCLE CANDY.
Pokey and Mr. Nutty, In Unison: OH NO!
Pokey: WE SHOULD MUSTER A DEFENSE!
Mr. Nutty: SMASHING!
All: ITALIANS!!!
Little Girl: QUICK POKEY, THE ITALIANS ARE APPROACHING RAPIDLY!
Pokey: QUICK MR. NUTTY, USE YOUR AWESOME UPPER-BODY FORTITUDE, HURL YOUR PENTIUM AT THE ITALIAN VESSLE!
Everybody: HOORAY! THE ITALIANS HAVE BEEN DEFEATED AND THE ARCTIC CIRCLE CANDY IS SAFE! ARCTIC CIRCLE CANDY FOR EVERYBODY!
TO SURVIVE!
The evidence that life has fostered on the Earth's Sister Planet is a dire and grim proposition for the future of the human race. If we don't strike now, these phosphate-producing bacteria may, in billions of years evolve to a spacefaring race with religious viewpoints opposing The One True Way.
We must strike now, to wipe out these bacteria before it is too late! I beg of you, Mister President. Launch the nukes. It's the only chance that we have to eradicate these monsters before they can oppose Earth and America and Christianity! LAUNCH THE MISSILES! NOW!
God I'm drunk (on love, Pokey?) Yes Little Girl, drunk on love. And whisky. But mainly whisky.
Seriously, does anybody fucking care anymore? Napster is dead, boo hoo. Kazaa seems to be alive and kicking and downloading me up an assload of warez and mp3s AS I TYPE. Some seem to dig on Morpheus/Gnutella. Good for them. Still others use that one wacky one for the Mac, good for them still.
Does ANYBODY use Napster anymore? Hell, I never used Napster as I didn't manage to get faster than a BLAZING, FLAMING, SCORCHING 19.1kb/s connection over our sixty-year-old, never-maintained phone lines (hell, I didn't get faster until I got the cablemodem plugged in), so I didn't start with this whole whiz-bang file-sharing doodad with mp3s and shit until about a year ago, well after Napster's official "demise."
God I'm drunker than fuck right now, boyoes. I don't know exactly what I'm getting at, other than SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!!1 (as does vodka, tequila, pissy "lite beer")
WOOOOO!
I've always said that a robot could kick the SHIT out of a human at nascar. After all, how complex is 10: GO FAST 20: TURN LEFT? I bet that in five years, we'll have robots (read a bungee cord and a brick) trouncing humans at nascar. Naturally, it'll probably take the application of the AI in Gran Tourismo (ever see that asshole wreck? NO) to get robot cars to do Real Racing (grand touring, gran prix and rally). I say we leave the nas/indy car crap to the machines and go outside and play.
Ahh sweet sweet Megatokyo... the BESTEST COMIC ONLINE! HA! My god I crack me up. MT has become somewhat of an internet counterculture icon in its few years in publication. I don't know a single member of our small counterculture revolution that can STAND Piro's whiny DOOD THIS IS MY TOKYO, GET USED TO IT stance on his little webcomic. Yeah yeah yeah HIS webcomic. Big deal. He's got a fucking webcomic and a smattering of "talent" this makes him one of the most beloved icons in the "webcomics scene" as it were?
Now, remember, this is the same scene that elevated the 8BT guy, a person who is PROFITING on ANTOTHER COMPANY'S IP, to godhood.
Back in the early days of webcomicing, there was some integrity and actual wit and originality. Now everything's degraded to crap like User Friendly, Megatokyo and 8BT. I don't understand WHY this utter shit is so BELOVED when there are real, good comics out there that are actually DESERVING of high praise and love from the community (ie: Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, Pentasmal and Anime Moments in History), usually due to the FUNNY that they contain. Aw fuck it, you retards are going to mod me into oblivion and right now, baby the whisky is doing the talking, not me. If you've a problem with it, I'll KILL YOU AT OTACON (if you don't get THAT then you're similarly as worthless as the dork who does Megatokyo. No fucking wonder "Largo" left in disgust and rants long windedly at how gay "Piro" is and how god damned preachy and utterly faggy that MT has become homph glomph like an octopus at the boner buffet).
In closing, Die Megatokyo die, you are not the pinnacle of webcomics like you think you are.
INT, STORE, NIGHT. CUSTOMER walks into a near empty store, he steps through the doors cautiously, peering around curious as to where the hell the clerks are.
Customer: Hello..? uh... hello...? I want ta get a copy of Windows XP. Is anybody here?
CLERK, unseen: Is it safe?
Customer: Is what safe?
Clerk: Is it safe?
Customer, preturbed: Yes... It's safe. It's very safe...
Clerk: Is it safe?
Customer: Lissen! Are you going to come out, or what?
Clerk: Is it safe?
Customer: THIS ISN'T FUNNY!
Clerk 2: It puts the lotion on its skin and puts it in the basket.
Clerk: Shut up man. Is it safe? Is it safe? IS IT SAFE?
Customer: STOP IT! I JUST WANT A COPY OF WINDOWS XP! (Customer breaks down to the floor, sobbing) I just want a copy of XP...
Clerk: Is it safe?
Customer screams and runs out of the store, climbs into his car, which immediatley spins out and slams into a fire hydrant. The car bursts into flame. The customer bails from the car and runs down the darkened, abandoned street. He gets a half dozen steps from the car, and then he, illogically and without reason, bursts into flame himself.
Clerk 1: Thirty seconds, You owe me five bucks.
Clerk 2: I don't have five bucks.
Clerk 1: Take it from the register.
On-topic discussion part.
THEY TOLD ME IT WAS SAFE! I TRUSTED YOU MICROSOFT! I TRUSTED YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! YOU BLEW IT UP, YOU MANIACS YOU BLEW IT UP!
"PokeySteve, are you drunk?"
"Yes, but on love.
And whisky.
But mainly whisky."
I can put up with the lack of Alt tags and my apparent inablity to get plugins to work (flash, javascript, quicktime et al) by far overshadows the annoying pop ups and PLZ DOWNLOAD THIS GATOR THING K THX BYE! windows that deluge you when trolling through Geocities (or wherever, I just notice an abundance of them on Geocities). Man, it does feel nice. Liberating even. If we just got alt tags (because jerks like me like to put witty ephitets behind my images) in Opera, I'd say that it is my favoritest web browser.
In short GATOR = BAD; OPERA = KEEN!
My argument against being forced to wear seatbelts, is just that, we're FORCED to wear them. I hate the things. Fucking buckles never seem to latch in right, they always tend to lock up on me before I get them pulled out of the wall to latch them in, so I have to retract them the whole way, then start pulling it out again. Fucking pain in the ass.
.44 caliber ball through my foot, better fucking arrest me, because I'm NOT BEING SAFE. I (used to, thank you very much, California) keep my USP .45 loaded, charged and hammer-dropped at my hip. OH GOD I COULD POSSIBLY SHOOT MYSELF! MAY AS WELL FINE ME FOR NOT BEING SAFE!!! Fuck, I hate this Nanny State mentality, the whole "fine you for not wearing your seatbelt" is only the first step. Before you know it, everything that's not safe, scissors made of metal, kitchen knives, glass bottles, can openers, will all be made ILLEGAL, because a small, extremely vocal subset of the populace thinks that the Government should make unsafe activities ILLEGAL, rather than leaving the safety up to the person who is doing the activity.
I've been in two car accidents in my life, both times, I was hurt because of the seatbelt. First time, it was just a bruise, second time, it was a broken collarbone. Had I had the damn thing off, I would have escaped completely unharmed (I drive a Volkswagen, '72 Beetle, not exactly the safest machine on the road). If I ever got into a Real Accident, I'd be dead anyway. So why even bother with the seatbelt? I did some calculations, If I got into a head-on at 65, the bolts that hold the belts to the body of the car would be torn out by my inertia. So, I've never seen a point, really.
So, I drive "unsafely" The only person that I'm potentially endangering by not wearing my seatbelt is MYSELF. There is no reason, no point in a policeman issuing ME a five fucking hundred dollar ticket just because I am potentially putting MYSELF in danger. Hey, fuckheads, I shoot black powder, that shit's dangerous too! Had it go off while I was capping, almost put a
Fuck that noise. I keep hoping for a newspaper to slip through a crack in spacetime decreeing that this small, vocal subset was the first up against the wall when the revolution came.
Randal: Wanna watch a video?
Dante: Sure, whaddaya got?
Randal: Speilberg's latest opus, it combines his nose for commercial properties with his integrity as a chronicler of the Holocaust. Flinstone's List. Liam Neison as Fred.
Dante: We're not watchin' that... (Dante throws the tape to the floor out of disgust) Hey, remember the time we watched that? (flashback sequence)
But, I'm certain that we can rest assured that those in power in Warshington will see this as the WAVE OF THE FUTURE! SAFTEY IS FREEDOM! And while we're at it, democracy works, right?
Bah. I just recently moved from Nevada to The Great Socialist Utopia across the Sierras. (for monetary reasons, not by fucking choice). I've been here for three days, and I already miss my freedoms. This "seatbelt" bullshit makes me want to exact my patriotism and destroy any tyrant who dares impede my freedom to keep me "safe."
Been here for half a week, and I'm already wanting to kill cops and politicians. This place fucking turns men into animals. I must free myself...
Consider my ass out there this weekend! I'll see if I can get our fledgling Planetary Society chapter to haul their lazy, sluglike posteriors out there.
What I wouldn't give to have a 3D TV hooked up through my TVout card, running MAME and playing a rousing round of Pachinko Sexy Reaction (hertofore to be referred to as "the best game ever"). Well, of COURSE you could play Doom or even Quake at lo-rez, but hell, who wouldn't wanna play PSR on a 3D TV?
Fags, that's who.