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http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-participates-in-21stcentury-cashless-econ,8969/

Michael Bay Signs $50m Deal to Fuck Up Thundercats.

le sigh.

Relevant.

Obligatory Onion
http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-constantly-mentioning-he-doesnt-own-a-tel,429/

Very true, but there is something very liberating about not living your life around the tv schedule any more - and who doesn't want to share the secrets of happiness with their friends. (I guess this is how the fervently religious feel all the time.)

Tensions Mount After North Korea Destroys All Of Asia | Onion News

Yep, and weren't we promised that we could hang on to our shitty jobs ?

That is correct sir!

http://www.theonion.com/video/cias-facebook-program-dramatically-cut-agencys-cos,19753/

The Facebook program was FOUNDED by the CIA. Sheesh!!!

There's sonmething new from Sony you absolutely MUST have.

Decisions of how to deal with the massive asteroid are best left to the individual.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/republicans-vote-to-repeal-obamabacked-bill-that-w,19025/

Once again, the Onion leads on this story. Twice.

"American People Ruled Unfit To Govern" ("99)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/american-people-ruled-unfit-to-govern,748/

"Nation Finally Breaks Down And Begs Its Smart People To Just Fix Everything" ("11)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-finally-breaks-down-and-begs-its-smart-peop,26450/

Once again, the Onion leads on this story. Twice.

"American People Ruled Unfit To Govern" ("99)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/american-people-ruled-unfit-to-govern,748/

"Nation Finally Breaks Down And Begs Its Smart People To Just Fix Everything" ("11)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-finally-breaks-down-and-begs-its-smart-peop,26450/

The Onion's irreverent piece: Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon.

If you think we've got it bad, imagine how they feel.

I believe The Onion has it right.

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTsyFY9TESo#t=1m30s
• http://www.theonion.com/articles/metric-system-thriving-in-nations-inner-cities,458/

If you want to understand the true suckage that is the Star Trek movie, here is a good review that explains it.
http://www.theonion.com/video/trekkies-bash-new-star-trek-film-as-fun-watchable,14333/

I'm surprised nobody has made the "Irish Spring SOPA" joke yet. Time to clean house!

Well, until someone does, we can make do with this.

Yeah, it ever occur to you that maybe people actually were using hawala to launder money? You just assumed it wasn't? How's that work? If I were looking to launder money, something like hawala would look to be ideal.

So, you like it in Sweden. My advice: stay there. Additional advice: take every opportunity you possibly can to tell everyone how superior you feel. Be sure to bash America in the same sentence. Basically, be just like that guy who is constantly mentioning he doesn't own a television, only in your case, substitute "watching TV" to "living in Sweden".

We're so close. We just need a couple hundred thousand more participants:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/6000-runners-fail-to-discover-cure-for-breast-canc,176/

CIA's 'Facebook' Program Dramatically Cut Agency's Costs

Obligatory: CIA's 'Facebook' Program Dramatically Cut Agency's Costs

New Apple CEO Tim Cook: 'I'm Thinking Printers'

Did you just propose killing 6 billion people?

Sorry I'm willing to try almost ANY other option.

Maybe you'll find this funny: Even the CEO can't figure out how Radio Shack is still in business.

You've been reading too much Onion

http://www.theonion.com/articles/microsoft-patents-ones-zeroes,599

To make that goal, these scientists should probably go on a retreat, spend some time on team building exercises, and practice dynamic solution strategies, so that they can build up the synergies they need to deliver agile, customer-facing world class results that deliver a genuine Six Sigma experience.

Fuck everything, we're doing Seven Sigmas

N. Korea Detonates 40 Years Of GDP
http://www.theonion.com/articles/n-korea-detonates-40-years-of-gdp,2068/

"PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—A press release issued by the state-run Korean Central News Agency Monday confirmed that the Oct. 9 underground nuclear test in North Korea's Yanggang province successfully exploded the communist nation's total gross domestic product for the past four decades..."

...
The truly ironic thing is that people will now jump up my butt about how cold I am and what about all those people who might die. The same critics who, in a different context would be whining about overpopulation. Let me break it to you, the only way it is physically possible to have less people is for them to die. There is no magical fairy dust that makes population lower without people pushing up daisies. The cognitive dissonance is staggering.

Maybe this scholarly article Scientists: 'Look, One-Third Of The Human Race Has To Die For Civilization To Be Sustainable, So How Do We Want To Do This?' will help to convince them. Feel free to ask them if they're a volunteer or a hypocrite.

Considering that WB owns DC, this is appropriate:

http://www.theonion.com/video/final-minutes-of-last-harry-potter-movie-to-be-spl,20528/

Apple is saying 1 of 2 things, but I don't know which: 1. We created these products without enterprise in mind, like, at all. BUT, we are pretending that this oversight was actually an unconscious foresight: We meant it to be this was, so, do it our way or don't do it, but just don't complain.
2. Or, although we were aware of the enterprise IT paradigm, we purposefully decided to ignore it and do it the Apple way. Strangely, the apple way seams to be to make enterprise deployment of their products almost impossible.

Well, here's something to dispel your confusion (hint: it's 2)

Don't get so bent out of shape, he is just another asshat who loves to bash what other people use because it makes him feel superior. He's like that guy who always brags about not owning a TV.

Pfft... having a $5 dollar phone is nothing to brag about. This guy, on the other hand, doesn't even own a tv!

Obligatory: Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

The government isn't going to make health care more affordable

I'm not so sure about that.

Did they get a release form from Earth to make it public? Oh, this will come back at us!

Which reminds me of this article

Voting Machines election one of their own.

The only reason AT&T can make up any price and get away with it, is because THERE IS NO COMPETITION

I do own a TV, so I'm subject to incessant commercials from Sprint touting their unlimited plan.

Video of a ninja parade has been released.
http://www.theonion.com/video/ninja-parade-slips-through-town-unnoticed-once-aga,14181/

The Onion gets it right again.... Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong'

Ahh, so you're that guy. You're not even trying to steer the conversation anymore, just cutting directly to it now, eh?

And here I was thinking it was their well-known patent on creating computer software out of 1's and 0's.

Who is they? I'm pretty sure everyone in the scientific community is in complete agreement that the sun is a major factor in climate. The climate without the sun would be dramatically different.

My goodness! You're right!

One of the funniest Onion articles I've read basically claims that Republicans must actually be thinking of Eisenhower, not Reagan.

Just read the headline which reminded me of this case of 'surveillance' helping to solve a crime! Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

Ohh, I don't think speed is an issue. These are Apple users. Hunt and Peck is plenty of speed. Apple users tend to be the more artistic types, so the mouse if far more important for things like graphic arts, etc. If they are journalists, that just involves copy and paste mostly so there are hot keys for that.

Macbook Wheel is revolutionary.

This has always been one of my favorite articles of 'satire'. It has also never been more apt.

He's always looking down his nose at us fun countries, going on about how he doesn't watch TV. Canada and Australia are much more fun.

Well aren't you just special.

Stephen Hawking did this upgrade back in 1997 ;-)

http://www.theonion.com/articles/stephen-hawking-builds-robotic-exoskeleton,1629/

Indeed:

Stephen Hawking Builds Robotic Exoskeleton