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Household Technology Rules for Kids?
An anonymous reader asks: "My wife and I are in the process of adopting kids- We're hoping to adopt older boys (8 and up) from within the US. We've gone through the state mandated courses, but those courses don't really cover how to limit the kids with respect to technology (the Internet, TV content filtering, cell phones, MP3 players, etc). The latest strong potential son is a 14 year old child that is computer aware. I do not want to completely shelter the child, but I do want to establish boundaries- for example, I'm not going to install filtering software on his computer, but the computer will be in a public place in the house." How would you control a child's exposure to new technologies, especially when a few of those technologies are bundled with inherent dangers in addition to their great advantages (like the Internet)?
"I want to give him the freedom to learn and be creative, but also try to avoid the nastiness on the net (like the RIAA). I want him to have the freedom not just to play on the computer, but to truly use it. From everything I've been told about the kids in the foster system, they do best with a structured environment- something predictable and stable, so I think a set of rules for him to start with would be good. I'm asking for some ideas for appropriate rules/boundaries for kids, including things to watch for, and appropriate punishments (something akin to 'you broke the server, so you'll have to rebuild it, with dad's help')."
Don't bother even trying, you'll just make a fool out of yourself. Your kids already know about everything you think they shouldn't.
Heck, my mother thinks I (who am 23 years old with long term significant other) shouldn't be using the Internet at night in case I find pornography.
Putting all PCs in a common room will strongly limit a child's desire to download dubious material. Do this both ways: use your own PC only in family areas of the house.
The real "Libtards" are the Libertarians!
Basically, only allow him to access content when you're there. Be the only one to have the password to access the computer and only allow him to access when you're around. As someone else has already suggested, keep it in a common area. If you're going to allow him to have a personal email account, keep the password yourself, and only allow him to get to his email when you log him on. That also lets him know that you have full access to his account and address book. Finally, keep an eye on the browser history, if it's being wiped regularly by him, that means he's hiding something.
Your child will have to grow up someday.
Scorta futuere amo!
Every time the kid uses vi instead of emacs, he has to go stand in the corner for an hour!
"Do not try to find Daddy's stash of porn."
No sliderule until they've mastered the abacus!
It's called parenting. It involves spending lots of time with your kids. Every day. Talking to them. Listening to them. And enforcing and adjusting the limits and boundaries based on that.
There is no other solution.
--MarkusQ
I'm 24, When I was 8, I used the computer mainly with my Dad, There wasn't much to do on it back then, but we did some programming together. When I was 12, I got my own computer, and started calling BBSes my most limiting rule was No Long Distance but I did get my own phone line when I was 14, Which I used to Host a Board. My computer was located in my room, and if I could have downloaded porn I would have, as it was back then, I got it from my friends on floppy disk, and had a Hidden harddrive that I would unplug, and only use when "needed". Its hard being 14. I did some minor hacking, and I try to dad to teach me about hacking and he always avoided it. I went to high school and slept in my classes, I stay up all night, working on my board, and programming, or using other software packages, I felt very good about privating software, I had no money, and why should only rich kids get good tools/programs. I'm making a good amount of money, more then any of my friends these days, and Things are looking really great, this would not have happen if I didnt have a private computer to hack with all night, and sleeping at school. The Most negative factor was the geek girl factor, which I believe is less now that Ive left highschool, and geeks are cool or whatever, even in my day being a geek had allot of good points.
If your kid is smart, let him have his own computer, buy him some books on how to program, or use AutoCad or something.
If your kids an dumbass teach him how to play football.
"I agree. A 14 year old isn't stupid."
Maybe not stupid, but most certainly not experienced or wise.
"Make sure the kid knows about the evils he could find out on the internet, so he can be truly aware of the choices he makes, and thier consequences. But don't try to block him from those choices."
Johnny! Johnny, stop downloading that RIAA music.
"If the kid wants to do something wrong, he'll figure out how to get the job done, whether you are watching over him or not, but NOT watching over him is in itself a bigger statement to convey."
Johnny! Johnny, don't fire guns at school. You could put someones eye out.
two things come to mind immediatly seperate user account & supervision It is good that the computer will not be in a private room or anyhting that hinders supervision but you still have to actively supervise and let the child know that a surprise visit could happen even when they think they are not supervised. A user account of their own will limit what they can do and make it easier for you as a parent to review such things as history. I would also make erasing stuff like the history punishable with grounding or whatever you think is appropriate.
I hate the idea of filters, key stroke loggers, etc. What are you going to do with the results? Telling the kid you caught them doing "x" also reveals the fact that you are monitoring them. My geeky answer has worked for me. I run a squid proxy server in the house. I showed my son how cool it was that I could generate reports on all websites visited, etc. He got the message. Twice in four years I've had to sit him down and say "x" is not OK and no - normal people don't do "a", "b" or "c" - especially with barnyard animals.
http://dansguardian.org/
Careful though, if he hides things well and you go through some serious steps to find it, he may look at that the wrong way. A trust issue maybe? I honestly cannot say, but just be aware of it I guess.
Invexi - a Phoenix, AZ based web design and web development company.
Any suggestions on what would be the best operating system to start a kid out on? I figure if a kid has to start out on something that is less friendly than Windows, it will give him or her less time to do risky things on the Net, if you know what I mean.
Since you're adopting a teenager, you're going to have a radically different experience than everyone else here. I don't have kids, but I have two nieces, one foster and one adopted (14 and 7), and there are a lot of things different from what my parents had to deal with from my brother and I.
Since you aren't starting with a child from birth, you have to go through a period of actually getting to know them before you can really decide what kind of rules there need to be. Talk to them, and find out what they know already, and what they're used to, and work from there. A 14 year old new to your family isn't going to react well to arbitrary rules, especially if they're radically different from what he's used to. Anything that's much different from his normal should be explained. You don't have to explain everything, obviously, but you need to be open with them on the reasons for things that they may not agree with.
I recommend keeping the electronic entertainment in common areas, but that's more of a spending time together thing. The last thing you want to do with a newly adopted kid is to encourage them to spend time away from the rest of the family. Give them space, but make sure that they've got some draw to be out and about with everyone else.
1. Don't take a bath with a plugged in toaster. ...).
2. Don't stand behind a car when it's backing down the driveway.
3. Don't use my electric razor on the cat (or dog, or gerbils, or
4. When the stove has that jumpy stuff coming out of the cooking part, don't stick your hand in it.
5. Do not put the cat in the freezer because it seems warm. THe cat likes it warm.
6. Even if the cat likes it warm, don't put it in the microwave.
7. Don't put your little brother in the dryer to give him a ride.
8. Even if they're called *safety* pins, you still can't stick them in electrical sockets.
9. Do not take pictures of mommy or daddy in the shower.
10. Television will kill you. Really.
That is all.
Then they'll really learn how to use it.
Current policy here - he can do what he wants on his computer; but I control the upstream router and can log/etc whatever I want. Too much encrypted traffic, especially outgoing, and I ask hiim about it and can block ports. Just knowing that I can grep for porn sites / anon-proxys / etc in his DNS requests and HTTP requests is probably deterant enough to slow him down for now.
Squid, and log reviews. Let the kid have his/her privacy, but monitor the logs for bad things, and correct as needed. For bonus points, don't lock bad sites out of the proxy the first time - but do so for repeat violations.
But this is slashdot. A slashdoter who didn't build his own computer is like a Jedi who didn't build his own lightsaber!
and a carton of smokes.
Game: Player 'Donald J Trump' now has AI skill level 'experimental'.
Locating PC's only in family areas of the house will maximize the "Surprise!" factor when you accidentally walk in on your son engaged in an act of self-intimacy. He thought the house was deserted for the afternoon, and then there you are, accidentally shaming him. If you're really interested in his welfare, you would provide an environment where he could experiment with himself sexually. Nobody's talking about whips and strap-ons here--a door that can be shut in a room containing some sort of sexual stimulus should be enough.
Jocelyn Elders was mocked and fired when she endorsed masturbation, but oh how right she actually was. Masturbation is a necessary component to human sexuality, and to frustrate your son's efforts could lead to other problems.
Yes, household technology does rule for kids. Next question?
he calls it "bad guys"
(he'll ask, "can I bad guys")
I know I'll burn in bad parent hell, but he can type iddqd and idkfa by rote, and has a jolly good time.
he launches it, randomly selects a level, and starts it from the windows wrapper..
his favorite really is the chainsaw, he laughs and laughs..
I don't intend to set limits, but his only computer where he plays is two feet to the right of my main computer & rig
I watch what he does, and he watches what I do- and he hates to play deathmatch mode with me.... he dies a lot...
he can finish the first three levels all on his own..
the little bugger is three... so- my tolerance is probabbly too high, and not at all helpful...
every day http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
As a 16 yr old, I feel compelled to answer.
By putting restrictions or limitations on computer/internet/etc usage, you will accomplish nothing. It will signify your lack of trust, which is a bad way to start. Additionally, with even a small amount of computer knowledge, such restrictions are generally easily bypassed.
The same applies to TV filtering. By doing so, right off the bat, you are basically saying there is _no_ trust, and that is a very bad way to go.
That said, it would be a good idea to make sure that he understands what you allow and what you don't, however, long discussions are a bad idea, especially on topics he probably isn't comfortable discussing with you. Remember that he probably knows you won't be happy to catch him downloading illegal music, so repeating it is just annoying. Short and sweet is your best friend.
As for rules/boundaries, several things should be kept in mind. If he spends a lot of time on the computer, so be it. Remind him and encourage him to do other things, but forcing him to not use the computer will just piss him off, and who knows, maybe he'll end up as a computer science major. If he seems to be switching windows every time you walk by, he's probably doing something he shouldn't be doing.
As for punishment, remember that there are a lot worse things that he could be doing than illegally downloading music or watching porn. If you see him downloading music, at least you know he isn't out doing drugs. And if you catch him watching porn, the embarrassment he goes through would be far worse than any punishment you could give.
Why not provide booze and hookers - after all, at 14, he would probably just find those things on his own anyway. In fact, why establish any limits at all?
Boundaries and limits for kids are like the guardrails or jersey walls on bridges across a deep chasm - they provide security and safety. Perhaps a 14 year old knows a great deal about computers - perhaps not. Setting limits, building relationship with him, and "inspecting what you expect" (aka trust but verify) will be a major boon to him.
Not establishing limits - including protecting him from spyware and pornography - is really stupid.
A 14 year old is a big child. Science tells us that his brain will still grow and develop for about 10 more years. He needs structure, discipline and guidance. I highly recommend the book "It's better to build boys than to mend men" by the founder of Chik-fil-a. He has built and operated foster homes for kids and knows a great deal about how to help them.
But Herr Heisenberg, how does the electron know when I'm looking?
This isn't a technology question; it's a sociology and psychology question. What on earth makes you think that we're qualified to help with it? While there are certainly some people on /. who have some applicable parenting experience (and they'll probably post it), the apparent demographics of the /. population suggests they're a small minority. In fact, I'd anticpate that the majority of people responding are closer in age, experience, and attitude to that 14-year-old than they are to the parents of one. Hell, I'm biologically old enough to have a kid that age, but I don't... which gives me just enough wisdom to understand that I don't know a thing about how to parent one. The college students and twentysomethings her don't even have that. If you want parenting advice, better to ask Doctor Spock, than Mister Spock.
http://alternatives.rzero.com/
Supervision and limitation are the most important points. I would say that making your monitoring twofold would be the best approach. Let him know that you will be able to trace his footprints online without you having to look over his shoulder, as well as letting him know the boundaries. Also, being physically present in the room when the computer is being used a good portion of the time will discourage the _innapropriate_ behavior. Don't give the message that you are going to be sitting next to him whenever he is using the computer, so you will see whatever he types in his e-mail. But rather a moderate supervision. The last part is to be consistant, don't let your rules reflect what kind of mood you are in. I would say, at this point in his life, he is 4 years from being considered legally an adult, and you should think of him as an adult that needs extra boundaries and guidance, rather than a very clever 3 year old.
I abuse commas, I cannot help myself.
We have a teen that likes to fart around late into the night being distracted by various technology items instead of sleeping and/or doing homework, so we use technology to control technology:
1) The TV is plugged into an ordinary lamp timer (7-day programmable). It kicks in at 35 minutes after curfew, so that she can not watch TV late into the evening. If she finds the timer, my next step will be to lock the timer in a box.
2) I bought commputers for everyone in the house (that is old enough to use one). All computers have screensaver passwords and everyone uses only their own computer. This protects me and my wife against the crap that always seems to get on the kids PCs. It also gives the kids a feeling of ownership and control. However, I keep a ghost image of their computers on the network drive and they are required to disclose screensaver passwords to us. I periodically verify that the AV and patches up to date.
3) My firewall (ipcop with blockouttraffic) blocks all IP addresses in the house at curfew, except for the IP phone and my computer (I need to support work 24x7). We require the computer to be in a public location, with the screen facing the center of the room, so that we can keep an eye on things as we walk by.
4) Due to downloading "issues", I started by blacklisting ports used by p2p programs (see the sans-top-20 for a list of ports). Over time, I have switched to a whitelist approach, since it offers better defenses.
5) Mobile phone chargers live in the kitchen so that she can not sleep with the phone (at least not every night). If things start slipping out of control, we require her to turn in her mobile phone at curfew and the charger lives in our bedroom.
6) We have a number pad on the front door (weiser powerbolt), so that none of the kids can lose keys and none of us have to carry keys (which is really nice). This also helps prevent kids from sneaking in at night because the button beeps are loud enough to wake me.
7) A normal lock on the laundry room door that we use if kids decide to start her laundry too late (which wakes us up and we go down and lock the door).
I really want to adopt an 18 year old Korean girl. My plan is PERFECT!
Fascism trolls keeping me up every night. When I starts a preachin', he HITS ME WITH HIS REICH!
Simple: Put the computer in a public room. No computers in the bedroom. Same with television. Have only one, MAYBE two.
This eliminates 90% of the problems you're likely to face.
To avoid prostate cancer, you need to ejaculate. Despite the jokes, Catholic priests have 3x the prostate cancer rate of normal men.
Ideally you'd just get married. (the more wives the better, so that you don't have to pester a sick or very pregnant wife) Masturbation is a lame substitute for the real thing.
This works out well for the women too. Childbirth and breastfeeding greatly reduce the risk of breast cancer.
Breed early, breed often. It's good for you.
We know that parenting is the topic we are discussing here. But the questions the topic creator asked are focusing on how to parent, namely in the face of the Internet, video game consoles, and other high technology being so accessible to children.
Just saying, "Be a good parent!" helps in absolutely no way. What we need to know is what, given the factor of technology, are the sort of actions and decisions make one a good parent. What sort of discussion is best? What sorts of limits and boundaries should be used, and what exactly are those limits? We need exact details here, not vague, overly broad suggestions like "talking", or "setting limits".
My girlfriend has a 13 year old daughter. We debated endlessly about whether or not to allow her to have internet access in her bedroom. In the end what we decided to do was to let her with the admonition that as the network admin, I have the ability and the right to watch and dissect any traffic going across my network. We showed her that I can do it at my leisure. We also told her that we'd respect her privacy unless she gave us a reason not to.
What this comes down to is randomly sniffing traffic to see what websites she's visiting and who she's IMing with. As long as nothing appears to be out of sorts, we don't look any deeper into it. Using WireShark, and originally Ethereal, I can see who she's talking to without taking the extra step of seeing what's being said. Kids from school? No problem. Some unfamiliar name? We ask her about it and if we're satisfied with her answer the issue ends there. If we think something is up, we'll read the traffic.
I realize that for some parents it's impossible but we are geeks, there's no reason to let your children's mastery of technology surpass yours.
LK
"Hi. This is my friend, Jack Shit, and you don't know him." - Lord Kano
Well, my parents got my little sister (7) a computer last christmas (socket A goodness, you can figure out the rest of the approximate specs), and while they want to make sure that nothing bad happens, they honestly know nothing about computers (to the point where before that, I had the only computer in the house, and was the only user). So, it was tasked upon me to try to bring my sis up right as far as tech is concerned. The computer is in her closet (something I most assuredly think is a bad idea, maybe older but not at 7) and she basically has carte blanc with it as far as non-net stuff is concerned (use whenever she wants, change whatever settings she wants, only doesn't get a password I don't know). As far as net stuff, while there are no filters set, if she wants to use the net she has to ask us and tell us what site she is going to. I check in on her every so often, and I do keep a firm hold on what appears in her history. Plus, she isn't allowed to have an e-mail account. She generally knows that I can keep up on anything I say I can do computer wise (with her personal proof being me using austrumi to reset her password when she changed it). Moreover, on my computer (not running Windows, but running Ubuntu) she has an account that she uses. Actually, she prefers Ubuntu to Windows, although her mother won't let me make any "changes" to her computer (whether sis wants them or not) because she wants to be able to use it. As far as hardware is concerned, I have tried to make sure that she develops a certain degree of comfort a familiarity with the innards of a computer (I have purchased several machines from garage sales for us to part out together). As far as games are concerned, I let her play anything on my computer (including HL2 when I still had Windows). Hope you can get something useful out of my post, and best of luck to you.
Your mother is right! You need to stop using the Internets to look at pictures of long penises and hairy scrotums, and start doing your homework. Mrs. Phelps won't be happy if you don't have your math problems done for tomorrow's class!
Maybe you should freeze your sperm until the rest of the planet has your IQ?
Basically I think that the web is not that much more dangerous than a reasonably stocked public library. TV is more dangerous. Expecially the news. Take an interest in what they are doing and respect that they might not want to share everything. Just make sure they can come to you with any kind of question and need not have any fear of being punished, ridiculed or embarassed by you. Of course they still will not talk to you about everything. But if something really disturbes them there is a good chance they will trust you enough.
Also takling to them about things like sex, violence, money, power from time to time in a casual fashion is probably a very good idea. The values found out there are sometimes pretty bad. Nothing you can do to block, the world is screwed pretty badly in some respects. But you can explain stuff and put it into perspective.
Still, some children are cretins and cannot be helped. A parent can do only so much.
Most ACs are not even worth the keystrokes to insult them. Be generically insulted by this and ignored otherwise.
especially when a few of those technologies have are bundled with inherent dangers in addition to their great advantages (like the Internet)?
I don't mean to sound like a troll, but where on internet is the danger for a 14 year old boy? I can understand that we consider it's not safe for an 8-year old because the sight of porn could disturb him, but not a 14 year old I mean, when you're 14 usually the porn you see is what you want to see, so where's the danger? Chatting with "predators"? Again, I fail to grasp the realness of this "danger", and a few guidelines such as don't give away your name/address and don't try to meet anyone you know off the net unless you've seen them on webcam and that they're not adults should be sufficient to keep anyone perfectly safe behind your computer screen, so if someone could explain to me how Internet is such a dangerous place...
And then, the governement doesn't spy on you to protect you from such dangers as phishing, so why spy on your kids?
but also try to avoid the nastiness on the net (like the RIAA)
What.. the.. heck.. in what the RIAA is something "nasty" to your kid?
From everything I've been told about the kids in the foster system, they do best with a structured environment- something predictable and stable
You know, I think that in that structured environement, whether or not you ask him who he's chatting with is not such a crucial element, I mean it's not like your kid will lose his sense of boundaries and limits and get depressive if you do not maniacally spy on what he does on the computer.
You just got troll'd!
I did not say "be a good parent", I said to spend time with your kids on an ongoing basis and base your actions on what you learn from that interaction. Slashdot can not do it for you. No book can do it for you. Why? Because every kid is different, and they change over time.
What would you say if someone asked "My wife and I are thinking of buying some food. How would you suggest we cook it?"
Or what if they said "There's something wrong with my car. I'm not a mechanic and I don't know of any in my area. How should I fix it?"
For questions like these, even "Google is your friend" is too specific.
I already answered that. You may not like the answer, but there's very little anyone can do about that. Spend lots of time with your kids. Pay attention, and try to learn from the interaction.
--MarkusQ
Ok, my credentials: I am a 23 year old person, have been married, almost father, against "bad things" like RIAA, had very restrictive and religious parents and I have a very big problem with any authority thus being a white hat hacker was kinda cool and turned black hat against certain authority (school). As of my 16 I have been drinking alcohol, never smoked or did drugs though, had a bunch of girlfriends without parents consent or knowledge. I have been working as sysadmin and computer tech in different companies. I have been working with computers totally addicted from my 8 and I never liked games.
My point: unless you're a freakin' good network and sysadmin and you know what you're doing and you let all your network traffic go through a dedicated and hardened linux box you're going to get nowhere. My parents went with me through the whole computers-are-bad, computer-games-are-bad, violent-games-are-bad, Internet-is-bad etc crap you hear from Jack Thompson-type persons etc. Even then, there's always Tor, HTTPS, Tunnels...
At a certain point they had locks on the computer room, they tried the computer in the family room (which in the end of the previous century wasn't always noiseless), they tried getting my computer being checked out and locked down by a co-churcher who is now a senior engineer for Cisco. I always circumvented all of their rules, regulations, checks etc. because it was too easy to be figured out and I was smarter than them in that area. Kids are freakishly inventive if it comes to breaking rules and the more restrictive you get, the more extreme they will be in their ways. In school we smuggled alcohol as water. Empty a bottle of water and fill it up with something that looks like water (Pure vodka is among the only alcohols that is both easily available and looks like pure water!). I went 'sleeping over' and ended up at a rave that I HAD to stay on since I couldn't go home and I have no idea what happened to me between 2 and 4 am. Dangerous, yes, fun, yes, do it again, no.
What I personally would do in case I get a kid on my computer: Set some simple rules and be firm about them. All kids (especially boys) will get their hands on porn in one of another way. Implement squid as a proxy server and block all ads to do yourselve and the computer a favor. Block all "evil" IP-ranges (I block personally all RIAA, MPAA and government IP's) using iptables both ways. Make sure that bad things like virusses, spam and other things don't get in as easily. Make sure you're not hosting an MP3-loaded P2P-node if you live in the USA.
Get aquainted with your kid's music. Put it on a share on the network and share your technological resources for a good thing, Death Metal or Eminem is not always evil, you might even like it or it might be a point for discussion. Make sure you have an open communication about everything that goes on in your son's life. If you block certain things they could be interested in, they will see it as something they shouldn't do or get in trouble for, so they'll sneak it instead of talking about it. They will go wrong, if they do, don't go off punishing them right away or taking away their computer rights, communication is a solution and they might have to face with the consequences of their actions but talk about it first. If you get pulled over for speeding, usually you get pulled over, they ask you if you are aware of the violation, then they give you a ticket, a period where you can defend or confirm your actions and then the punishment comes and even that you can appeal. It's not the other way around and you shouldn't implement that kind of thinking in your kid. Only extremist do that and certain people in our government would like that too, but it's not how it should work.
Imho a parent is there to guide a person into life as an adult. It's not to form them with a certain viewpoint or restrict them from everything that is "bad". They will get/do/know bad anyway, if not at home it will be at a less controlled place like school or at friends where they have less guidance than at home and may eventually get into serious problems.
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Quick answer:
I'm 21 now. The generation gap worked in my favor so that I had no effective supervision on my computering, and I had access to the Net since I was... 9, i think. Maybe 10. Point is: it didn't harm me. "Oh teh noes, my son/daughter might talk to just about anyone!" "Oh teh noes, he/she might look at dirty pictures!" I think most people really need to sit down for a moment and consider why these things seem so damaging to them.
(Side note: a whole generation - mine - is growing up with access to pornography from a very early age. I hold out hope that my kind will never manage to "understand" what all the fear is. Also, is there some extra high percentage of people with sexual issues in my generation? I don't believe so.)
Property is theft.
More than likely as a kid in the system he knows far more than you do about how much the world can suck and already knows pretty much everything there is to know about sex, drugs, and perverts. Theres nothing you can say that he probably hasn't heard already.
Set him up with a really low-end computer and firefox in his room and stick a badass machine out in the family room. If he wants to have a private convo he can do it in his room, otherwise 90% of his time will be spent outside with you.
Just tell him that if he is going to go searching for porn, and he will, then to at least go to websites you know are reasonably safe (peachy18, etc). Tell him that it's normal and healthy for a young man his age, but FFS go somewhere that wont download 4 fuckajillion trojans and try to at least be subtle about it.
A bullet may have your name on it but splash damage is addressed "To whom it may concern."
Being a member of the first generation to grow up with the internet myself, I'll tell you that the greatest danger is pornography or MySpace predators. Rather, it is that computer/cellphones/iPods etc. can replace normal human social interaction and take the place of healthy habits. Don't restrict your kid's use of the internet, just make sure they have other options. Find a way for them to get excercise, make sure they join clubs at school and encourage them to [gasp] get together with friends that they haven't made over the internet.
Register the editry.
"Did I ever tell you to eat up, go to bed, do your homework? No. I respected your privacy, and I taught you self-reliance!"
Even with the computer in a public area it won't be long before your child starts playing the game of closing a browser window every time you approach, or wiping the browser history.
Does this indicate that your child is accessing inappropriate material? Not necessarily. Does this indicate that you should further restrict your child's internet usage? Not necessarily.
Now, to be certain, you are well within your rights as a parent of a minor to take measures to not facilitate your child viewing pornography. You have a social responsibility to do so, just as any other adult has a social responsibility not to sell or otherwise provide cigarettes, alcohol, and pornography to those under the ages we as a society have determined are appropiate. Don't second guess yourself here on account of what some pornhounds on an internet messageboard tell you. You and your parents managed to develop into mature, functional members of society without unfettered access to a cesspool of perversion, and your children will too.
But it is of the utmost importance that you seek to accomplish this in a way that does not create an unnecessarily adversarial relationship betwen you and your child. Every time your child needs to close that browser window as you approach, it reinforces an adversarial relationship in which you and your child will feel increasingly alienated by distrust and fear of confrontation.
So what can you do?
1. Keep the computer in a family room, such as the room your primary television is in.
2. Setup a proxy to log all internet traffic. Don't hold this until you need to confront your child. Make it clear to your child upfront that these logs are maintained. Make these logs easily accessible to both you and your child. Don't ever hide or wipe records of your own usage.
3. Accept that there are many activities your child may legitimately wish to do on the computer that are legitimately private. Your child should have an account of his or her own on the computer. You should not read your child's email, IMs, or message board posts. Show your child how to setup an email account. Ask your child about which IM client his or her friends use, and help your child select and setup an IM client and account. Be aware that your child is using these tools, but accept that you do not need to know the details of every personal communication.
4. Your child should never feel the need to close a window as you approach if he or she is communicating with people you very well may not know, or for fear that you will read the contents of an ongoing personal conversation without being invited. Your child should know that you know of and approve of these activities, and believe that you will respect the privacy of his or her private conversations.
5. You have a responsibility to protect your child from internet predators. The most important things you can do to guard your child against this is to provide a loving and respectful home life, and facilitate and encourage a healthy social life. Your child should never feel driven to turn to the internet for friendship or romance. The internet should facilitate your child's real world social life. It should not be your child's social life. You should also take the initiate to help your child setup email accounts, message board accounts, and myspace pages in ways that do not reveal personal information.
6. Play games together. Share funny links with one another. Make the computer "ours", not "yours" or "his" or "hers".
7. Be liberal in what you tolerate. The less you tolerate the more your child will be driven to act behind your back.
rig things so that his only network connection goes through a proxy box and copy all files that go across the wire (and block outright all ports not attached to known 'approved services")
cell phone get him a prepaid phone and chip in a base amount every month he chips in for the "extra"
Any person using FTFY or editing my postings agrees to a US$50.00 charge
IMO, just give him a week without a filter, then check the history after that week, and if there's anything questionable just talk to him and say "you really shouldn't go on porn sites, it is just plain low, and it's illegal" or something like that, and he will listen. My parents told me the same thing and if you looked at my history you'd find nothing questionable.
I am the odd /. demographic and the one with extensive experience in this area. The only rule I would institute is a time limit of so many hours per day. Other than that they can use the computer however they see fit, the catch of course being that they know up front that I am a computer professional and when I sit down and use the computer I will know everything they have done. I am not spying on them but they will leave a trail that I can easily follow.
This teaches them an important lesson about computer use, it is not anonymous and what you do ie: emails, myspace, net postings you can be held accountable for.
Setting up alot of rules and restrictions only makes the child feel like they are missing out on something and work harder to view it. Think reverse psychology here.
Congratulations on your pending fatherhood! From the minute the children are given into your care your life will never be the same! For all you know you could be adopting the Phil Zimmerman of the future!
I have a 10 year old son, and an 8 year old daughter. I got them matching computers. (Old Compaq P III 500, that I got from work for $1 each) I have them setup in our office, where my PC is also located. Mom's PC is in the next room, with a view through French doors. The kids are behind a proxy (tiny proxy on the Coyote firewall box), which is setup with a white list of approved sites. They haven't yet gotten into IMing, and they don't have their own email addresses yet. When they want their own email, I'll give them addresses on my own mail server. They normally play Age of Empires, or Ultima Online. They also have Harry Potter, and several age appropriate educational games. The daughter also likes Neopets. Mom and I are considering moving their PC's up to their rooms, because of how loud they get when they are playing their games. If we do, we will use remote monitoring software, like VNC or similar, so that we can check in on them from time to time and also shut things down at bedtime. That way, they know we can monitor them if we chose. This could build a trust issue, I suppose, but as they get older, and show that they will not use the PC when they should be sleeping or whatever, then we may ditch the VNC, and I'll just keep proxy logs, like others have mentioned. Oh yeah, I also had them help me assemble their computers, as when I got them from work, they had no RAM or HDs. That way, they have at least seen the inside of a computer, and know the difference between RAM and a HD.
"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
In my view, its not really monitoring as much as communication with the kid that is key. When I was 14, I had virtually unlimited access to the internet. I did do my fair share of surfing for porn (come on..what 14 year old isn't a little curious), but for the most part, the internet was a learning tool I used to learn about things that I was curious about but never had any exposure to. What was important in my life was the communication from my parents about ethics, responsibilities, and safety. I had a computer wherever I did most of my homework. This was not in plain view of my parents, but they made sure I was aware about the tenants of Internet privacy and safety. They largely parallel situations involving talking to strangers.
The time when a kid really resorts to doing bad things, or going too deep into the rabit hole that is myspace, or online chats, etc, is the time when they feel bored, lonely, or neglected. By being involved in your kid's life, teaching them about the dangers, and allowing the to develop a social life, they will become well adjusted, and you won't have to worry about them becoming the subject of internet predators or becoming viewers of copious amounts of questionable amounts of Internet Porn.
izm
1) The entire range of human behavior, from the most inspired to the most depraved, is available on the Internet.
2) Two fundamentals of your job as a parent are to:
- Provide a safe environment in which they can learn.
Many of the preceding responses reflect on the range of issues - privacy, restrictions, freedom, trust, etc.I offer some simple questions:
- Do you feel that you have a responsibility to supervise your children when they engage in activities "at the edge of their judgment"?
What experiences do you want for your child?The previous responses have already talked about the many analogies and comparables. The bottom line is, in choosing to be a parent, you elect to embrace the responsibility to protect your kids from things they are not ready for, and to supervise them appropriately.
One more fundamental point:
3) Internet behavior is public behavior.
The Internet is a public place. And the Internet is a place where every and any kind of behavior is exhibited, including that which is cruel, nasty, addicitive, corrupting, seductive, and damaging. To your kid. The vivid imagery and compelling interactivity of the Internet is not to be underestimated. I submit that you have an interest in keep your kids away from this kind of experience.
Kids (and parents) need to understand that when they are on the Internet, they are "behaving in public". And that such behavior has consequences, and that there are influences out there that are not benign, not even neutral, but decidedly, aggressively negative.
Teaching kids is great -- a fundamental part of the job. But even if you do it perfectly, and they learn perfectly, they're still kids, and will still be susceptible to well-crafted influences that seek to draw them into destructive or dangerous behavior.
As parents, most of us know in our gut when something is "not good for my kid". Trust your gut. Porn is "not good for my kid". It distorts sexuality and can easily become a compulsion/addiction for many.
Lord-of-the-flies environments where kids run amok unsupervised is "not good for my kid". MySpace is where "good kids" get drawn into "bad behavior" as they experiment with new identities and get stroked for their most provocative acts and attitudes. Stroked by predatory adults as well as their inexperienced and experimental peers.
So, Supervise, Coach, and Protect.
1) Keep the computer in a visible room of the house. Make the behavior seem as public as it really is.
2) Listen to your kids - what are they doing on the net, and what experience do they get? How does it make them feel?
3) Remind your kids that Internet behavior is public behavior, and that you are responsible for their behavior in public.
4) Use tools to supervise, guide, and coach your kids. Yes, that means filtering and monitoring software. (Full disclosure: K9 Web Protection - free - is provided by my company, Blue Coat Systems.)
5) Talk to the parents of your kid's friends, and suggest they do the same. It takes a village to raise a child. The easiest way to beat a filter is to go next door where they don't have one. Demand more from yourself and your peers in protecting your kids.
I invite you to visit TheInternetParent.blogspot.com for more discussion and analysis of these and related issues.
Speaking as a 20-year-old, who grew up with technologically illiterate but deeply suspicious parents, I find myself really perplexed with parents who try and rigorously control their children's internet access. How did I learn about online pedophiles? I had a guy try to solicit me in a chatroom. I learned what to look out for, and started acting accordingly.
There's no teacher like experience, and as long as you keep control on a few things (ie, don't turn him loose with both the Internet and a credit card at the same time) I think you won't run into too many problems, unless he's already got issues.