ISECOM's Top 10 Real Computer Crimes

thelordx writes "ISECOM, the Institute for Security and Open Methodologies, has just posted their Top 10 Real Computer Crimes for 2007 and Beyond. This list runs the gambit from poorly designed patches to chlamydia! It's entertaining, but also scary, as many of us could fall victim to some or all of them."

Comments

Crimes against the English Language

[plover]

#11. Incredible run-on sentences that are in a difficult-to-read font and are not punctuated and sometimes written in the second person familiar and sometimes they changed tense and ended illogically disconnected from their premises even though you read them through to the end.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[owlnation]

Yep, looks like they had a Christmas works party and then all got together and wrote this article while considerably boozed up. Gawd knows what this article is really about.

Chlamydia from a computer? Erm, no. Those folks need to do a little reading.

For those few of you who usually read the full article, this time, do yourself a favor and don't. It just hurts your head.

And the really bad thing is that, if this was a post-party post, there's not a single scan of the secretary's ass from the photocopier. So, I guess the party sucked too.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[Anonymous Coward]

Also, from the summary, one "runs the gamut"; you cannot run a "gambit". A gambit is a trick or move designed to gain advantage. A gamut is an entire range of things.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[Anonymous Coward]

So Im sitting here and Im trying to figure out whats so goddamn special about anime. Im still trying to figure that out. Theres got to be a free dose of heroin in every DVD or something. Because you know, I cant walk out of the fucking door without someone talking about Inuyasha, and holy fuck Trigun is just the bees knees. Im taking a dump; Im sitting on the toilet wiping my ass with bible pages (because thats what I use when I run out of toilet paper.) And someones going to be standing there talking about how big of a boner they get over Tank Police and Neon Jell-O Evangelist or whatever the fuck.

So Im thinking Wow gee hosifat, this anime stuff has got to be some nifty shit. There had better be some sliced bread out there that cant get work anymore over this shit. The last time people had this much fun they just discovered they could get drunk and beat their kids. So this shit had better be able to cure AIDS and kill nuns its that fucking great. Old people had better be turning off the I Dream of Jennie reunion to watch this shit its that fucking great.

So I sit down to watch anime. And its not that hard because its on every fucking channel. Six hundred and fifty trillion channels and their all playing anime twenty four hours a day. So I pick a channel and I sit down to watch it; and its not like I havent seen anime before you know, but every time I happen to mention that I dont personally like it, someones head will pop out from under the nearest rock and say But have you seen it lately? Its not like Sailor Moon anymore! Because apparently the last five years has done for anime what silicon did for Alyssa Molino, you know.

So Im sitting in my chair and I turn on the anime and Ive got my dick in my hand ready to jerk it to happy oblivion because apparently its that fucking important. And hey, check this out, its the same three-frame per second six-color crap it always was! You can watch this shit with Shockwave on a 486 and there wouldnt be any difference.

And its because we incinerated all of Japans in-between artists at the end of World War 2 I know it. They cant make an hour long cartoon with more than a hundred frames in it because theyve only got three mother fuckers left who can draw.

And I cant jerk off to this, my dick would never respect me again. But suddenly, everyones flooding in my room and theyre like Ohh youre watching Otagotcha Watamotigotchimona. This is the best show in all fucking existence. And now theyre jerking their dicks off, and all I can think is that they dont deserve their dicks. What the fuck is making everyone go so batshit over anime?

And then it occurs to me, its fucking El Niño. Yeah, thats what it is. Some guy gets caught raping a dead squirrel and someones going to blame El Niño for it. This is all El Niños fault because thats where the aliens live with their damn mind rays that are making everyone fucking retarded. Fuck South America!

So I fire a bunch of nukes at South America so everyones heads will suddenly be extracted from their asses again. And I do it anime style too, I narrate it as Im doing it. So, Im like Ohh, did you know that I would send the most powerful force in the universe to destroy you today, but now you know because Im the great warrior Anonymous, whos spirit was imprisoned by the god of penile dysfunction over a thousand years ago and have been waiting to be awakened this very day by the magical sound of the very last human putting his head up his ass, ohhh.

Because thats a wonderful story you know, thats what makes anime so wonderful its the story. Its the stories that make the anime so wonderful. The stories, thats what it is. You know, only their not stories! Ohh telling a thousand years of history in thirty seconds in the middle of a movie, when you do that, thats not a fucking story. Thats the fucking cincher OK? When you do that in the middle of a mental hospital theyre give you a fucking lobotomy.

So I launch the nukes at South America, and their like Anonymous you bastard! and

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[GigsVT]

That post had more run-on sentences than the article, but was actually 100 times more entertaining. Thanks.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[cas2000]

Chlamydia from a computer? Erm, no. Those folks need to do a little reading.

either that or you're just naive and unimaginative :-)

For those few of you who usually read the full article, this time, do yourself a favor and don't. It just hurts your head.

the article attempts to be funny but only manages to be completely lame.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[RuBLed]

I honestly exploded while reading it. Someone should really tag it with a warning right now because we don't want any conveyor belts stealing our airport security checkpoint. (reference #10)

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[BurningPi]

You forgot:
#12: People who don't know how to punctuate or write proper English and write in a hard to read, font and think a sentence is a group of words that starts with a word has words in, between and, think its ok to go off topic, like this and put, commas, in the wrong places and ramble on and, suddenly your bandwidth, because you have dialup is suddenly used up suddenly, or when you have a seizure reading, this, and when you get to the article the thirty megabyte, ad loads faster than the text, like that time when the text you wrote, was so messed up that, it killed the CPU.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[Alien Being]

They ran the full gambit of writing errors.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[poopdeville]

A gambit is more than just a trick or move to gain advantage. It requires a material sacrifice. And yes, you can run a gambit. That phrase just doesn't mean what the author thinks it does.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[Antos700]

I think you need to do a little re-reading. That particular point was just saying that if you are willing to browse dodgy websites, then expect the same results as associating with easy partners (i.e your gonna catch a virus.)

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[Anonymous Coward]

Sed quis debugget ipsos debugator? Your sig needs two little corrections. You need to use debugatorem, the accusative case of debugator, since it's the direct object. Also, you have ipsos (themselves) but you need the singular, ipsum (himself, itself).

Well I've also got one more little nit to pick. It would be more consistent with your choice to latinize debugger as debugator if you used debuget instead of debugget.

So the corrected version would be:
Sed quis debuget ipsum debugatorem?

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[Anonymous Coward]

For those few of you who usually read the full article, this time, do yourself a favor and don't. It just hurts your head.

Tell me about it - I am freakin' stoned. But what I really don't understand is why I am reading slashdot.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[Simon Garlick]

But... it runs the gambit!

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[nqz]

Ouch!! No wonder my head hurts now ... and this the one time I decide to RTFA before browsing the comments.

And on a holiday note, next time I'll be sure to have a glass of rum and a dash of eggnog with me.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[yosofun]

10. your the kind of person who would bribe to get your pointless prosaic hallucinations on slashdot and you're kids will get you'reself kidnapped, as you lose yourself in the metalic conveyor belt at the airport.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[jacquems]

Chlamydia from a computer? Erm, no. Those folks need to do a little reading.

Ok, not directly from the computer itself, but I can see how this scenario could happen. Teens are using instant messaging in astounding numbers these days. I also recently found out that the incidence of STDs among teenagers is way higher than I ever imagined it to be (and many teens don't know they're infected, further spreading STDs). So, here's how it could happen: two teenagers meet and start flirting through instant messages (or other chat). They decide to meet in real life and have sex. One of them has an STD (let's say chlamydia), and now the other one is infected. Granted, they may or may not have met each other in real life without the chat, but in this case the computer was where the relationship started, and therefore it is indirectly responsible for teen #2 getting chlamydia.

I should probably point out that I met my husband on IRC, and I have my own story about how computers literally changed my life. I probably wouldn't have ever tried IRC if I hadn't been interested in the demoscene. I wouldn't have known about the demoscene if I hadn't met my first boyfriend. I wouldn't have met my first boyfriend if I didn't call BBSs. I wouldn't have called BBSs if I wasn't interested in computers. I wouldn't have been as interested in computers as I was if we didn't start using them at school when I was in the first or second grade. So in a very real way, if it hadn't been for computers (and especially IRC), I would not be married to my husband, and our daughter would not exist.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[Anonymous Coward]

Refer crime #9: Can anyone tell me what are pink-laced keds, and where can I get some.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[Bloke down the pub]

A gambit is merely a move or ploy, usually at the start of a game or battle. I guess you could run a gambit in the same sense as you'd run an executable, but I certainly wouldn't phrase it like that - if only to avoid making people think I was a tard who confuses it with gamut (or gauntlet).

Whereas a gamete is something else, of no relevance at all to us here on /.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[poopdeville]

A gambit requires a material sacrifice. Otherwise it's just a move or a ploy. Really.

It's originally a chess term, for an early material sacrifice that gains (usually) positional advantage. In particular, the loss of a pawn isn't a big deal if it causes the opponent's pawn structure to restrict their movement. Most gambits are pawn sacrifices, though ballsy players might got for a bishop or knight gambit. From the Italian 'gambetta', a wrestling term meaning 'to trip up by the heels'.

To be fair, I'll note the "usage note" at answers.com:

Critics familiar with the nature of chess gambits have sometimes maintained that the word should not be used in an extended sense except to refer to maneuvers that involve a tactical sacrifice or loss for some advantage. But gambit is well established in the general sense of "maneuver" and in the related sense of "a remark intended to open a conversation," which usually carries no implication of sacrifice.

I'm obviously one of the critics, though the only times I've seen the word 'gambit' in literary uses, it has corresponded to the material loss sense.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[markild]

For once, there's actually a reason for these comments. Usually they're just your average troll, but damn..

Also, the guy that wrote that piece of crap should read this --> http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2002/10/11

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[Anonymous Coward]

It's originally a chess term

I bet that gets modded informative.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[rahrens]

Keds were a brand of tennis shoe, big in the 1950's and sixties. They were characterized by a blue tag at the back of the shoe, just above the heel. I assume the pink-laced part refers to pink shoe laces...

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[tootlemonde]

It requires a material sacrifice.

Used in chess, you might be right, although even in chess it requires only the risk of a material loss, since a gambit can be declined.

Outside of chess its use is metaphorical and the dictionary definition includes:

2 a (1) : a remark intended to start a conversation or make a telling point
(2) : TOPIC b : a calculated move : STRATAGEM

Gambit comes from Spanish (gambito) or Italian (gambetto), where it means the act of tripping someone.

There are other words in English from chess terminology that mean something slightly different, e.g. stalemate, checkmate, and endgame. For some reason, zugzwang hasn't made the transition.

It raises the question of whether any other game has supplied English with as many words, or at least, as many words that have lost their original connection to the game. The fact chess terms have so many counterparts in life may be a reflection of the extent that chess resembles life.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[kv9]

So in a very real way, if it hadn't been for computers (and especially IRC), I would not be married to my husband, and our daughter would not exist.

you better not let her get on IRC pretty soon then.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[Vexorian]

#11. Incredible run-on sentences that are in a difficult-to-read font and are not punctuated and sometimes written in the second person familiar and sometimes they changed tense and ended illogically disconnected from their premises even though you read them through to the end.

I thought this post was over criticizing or an exaggeration but... ...oh boy! I read the thing but I am still not sure what points 6-11 actually meant.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[VWJedi]

That reads like the text of the last spam message I looked at. (i.e. I have to read each sentence four times to even know if it's really a sentence.) Unfortunately you forgot to attach the image (which is really text) to tell me what stock I'm supposed to buy.

My brain hurts... I guess it's time to get back to work.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[TortiusMaximus]

Funny stuff.
How about giving an attribution though, numbnuts.
http://www.etherchan.org/wiki/index.php/Copypasta_ archive
see Anime on the link above.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[Anonymous Coward]

Yup. See this regarding a usage note.

But note that in chess, a sacrifice declined is no sacrifice. That is, a declined sacrifice would have been a sacrifice had it been accepted. I contend that the chess usage of gambit is analogous.

Re:Crimes against the English Language

[cthulhu11]

It's all been redundant since Speed Racer.

hwah?

[yagu]

I don't know much about ISECOM, but aside from being virtually indecipherable reading, I don't find their list: 1) to be crimes (necessarily) and/or b) credible.

Consider #7 (a short and sweet one):

Your bank will add more small print and find new ways to charge for internet-enabled things they save money on but they call it a new service so you pay more for it.

I have had more distaste for the banking industry over the last ten years... but banks are in a competitive market (so far), and are fairly tightly regulated. Their internet-enabled "things" may or may not save them money, a lot of times maybe not, but more fairly would be described as poorly implemented and hardly worth paying for. Banks, OTOH, are allowed to charge for their services, poorly implemented or not.

Also, consider "crime" #9:

The sweet girl from procurements with the pink-laced keds gets caught selling toner cartridges on E-bay which she stole from your office printer and she tells the boss that she didn't know it was from there because you gave it to her and when they go to investigate they find some work documents on your personal USB key drive that you needed to move files to another computer in a department with a printer that still had toner along with a file full of MP3s and spreadsheet full of numbers you'd been toying with to see if it's feasible to start your own competing business.

Consider it not so much for considering as much as for just plain interpreting it... aside from the fact it's a multi-runon (I think) sentence and it's a hundred words (give or take), I'm not sure what it's saying.

This article probably shouldn't have been posted. (Nor, I guess, should this post... sigh.)

Re:hwah?

[russotto]

The sweet girl from procurements with the pink-laced keds gets caught selling toner cartridges on E-bay which she stole from your office printer and she tells the boss that she didn't know it was from there because you gave it to her and when they go to investigate they find some work documents on your personal USB key drive that you needed to move files to another computer in a department with a printer that still had toner along with a file full of MP3s and spreadsheet full of numbers you'd been toying with to see if it's feasible to start your own competing business.

Consider it not so much for considering as much as for just plain interpreting it... aside from the fact it's a multi-runon (I think) sentence and it's a hundred words (give or take), I'm not sure what it's saying.

Allow me to interpret. Basically what happened to this poor guy is

1. The printer in his department was out of toner, so
2. He used his personal USB key drive to copy files to another department's computer (i.e. sneakernet); he then printed the documents on that department's printer
3. The reason the printer was out of toner was that someone from procurements -- identified as a "sweet girl with pink-laced Keds" -- was stealing them and selling them on eBay
4. Said "sweet girl" fingered (the implication is "falsely") our protaganist as the source for the toner cartridges, and denied knowing they were stolen from his department's printer
5. The company investigated and found out about the work documents on the personal USB key (presumably a policy violation)
6. The personal USB key also contained MP3s (probably also a policy violation) and a spreadsheet which he had made up investigating the feasibility of starting up a competing business (definitely something to be fired over). It's implied the company investigators found these too.

Just not his day.

So the sentence may have been difficult to decipher, but it did pack a lot of information into a small space. Perhaps one day we'll be welcoming our intuitive stream-of-consciousness interpreting overlords?

Re:hwah?

[chris_eineke]

Perhaps one day we'll be welcoming our intuitive stream-of-consciousness interpreting overlords?

I thought Perl 6 was still under heavy development.

Re:hwah?

[KingOfBLASH]

It costs something like $1.50 every time you cash a check. The bank pays a teller to properly log it into the system, to ship it somewhere, do whatever processing, and whatever else it needs to get your money.

It seems then, reasonable, that with banks now being able to computerize images of checks, and automatically process them, or having an online bill pay where a bank has less work to do, can save a bank (which processes however many checks a day) buttloads of money.

Do you pay for it as a consumer? Maybe. I get a crap rate in my savings account even though interest rates are at the highest they've been since the bubble burst. BUT, I don't pay for checking, savings, tellers, or any of that. The only thing I arguably pay for is the checks -- and I use an online service so it costs me $20 for more checks than I'll ever need (partly because now everything goes on my credit card or online bill pay)

Re:hwah?

[nahdude812]

The costs to banks for online and automated services are development costs (large one-time cost plus moderate maintenance), hardware costs (large one-time cost plus minor maintenance), and sys admin costs (large maintenance cost). The break even point for banks is probably several years in the future if everything works perfectly.

Except that everything does not work perfectly, customers make mistakes so they call the bank's phone support. It takes substantially longer to track down such problems than it would have taken if a teller had done it (right) in the first place. Because the customer is embarrassed they may lie about what happened, increasing the investigative time even further.

Further, the bank is now adopting additional liability in the form of substantially easier fraud against their customers' accounts. So the bank will spend more money trying to educate customers on how to avoid social engineering attacks, and the bank will accept the liability when customers' accounts actually are compromised (which is a given). FDIC insurance doesn't cover fraud.

All in all I'm guessing that these features do actually cost the bank more in the long run.

Re:hwah?

[ripcrd]

"Said "sweet girl" fingered (the implication is "falsely") our protaganist as the source..." We know what you meant by "fingered," and that's just dirty.

I'm confused

[marcello_dl]

Doesn't the release of Vista and the deal with Novell count as potential criminal activity for next years?
*ducks*

Re:I'm confused

[From A Far Away Land]

I think it's a crime you beat me to this obvious joke.

When DRM starts being a crime instead of those who break it, I'll eat my hat.

Missing:

[Lord_Slepnir]

11. ISECOM using run on sentences on just about every point in that article making it impossible to read, leading to people who have competent english skills to go insane from the lack of a breaking point even though all ISECOM has to do is to look between the comma and the slash keys and press that damn button once or twice during the duration of thier insane rants that don't really make any sense anyway.

Re:Missing:

[mrjb]

You typed a comma in there.

Re:Missing:

[tyruin]

You really shouldn't be criticizing English skills until you have learned to capitalize the word English.

We are victims

[siriuskase]

Many /.ers are victims of an STD? How did that happen?

Re:We are victims

[fireman sam]

By not washing your hand before or after.

Re:We are victims

[Anonymous Coward]

Human life is an STD. Your parents screwed around, and that's how you got yours!

This explains why most Slashdotters are trying to cure it by copious application of WoW.

The BSOD syndrome

[marcello_dl]

1. Your computer will probably crash a lot or at least reboot for no apparent reason but most likely due to some patch you got through an automated update which you are told to do for security reasons because apparently security and stability are incompatible.
Ok, these guys must have no aptitude for system administration.

Re:The BSOD syndrome

[stewbacca]

Uh, it said it was an article for non-techies. Oh yeah, and the article is meant to be a JOKE! Slashdotters just don't do humor I guess?

Re:The BSOD syndrome

[marcello_dl]

Uh, it said it was an article for non-techies. And I say it's FROM non-techies.

Oh yeah, and the article is meant to be a JOKE! Slashdotters just don't do humor I guess? Slashdotters just don't RTFA, besides, my post had a joke too.

Please....

[djupedal]

"It's entertaining, but also scary, as many of us could fall victim to some or all of them."

Wow - entertaining, scary AND the possibility of victimization! All this story needs is some popcorn and gratuitous sex!!!

For the record - the story is neither entertaining nor scary, and just because you're stupid enough to fall prey doesn't mean the general population is in the same boat.

Re:Please....

[BurningPi]

Sure, The ideas aren't scary, but the number of grammatical errors is.

Useless

[Anonymous Coward]

Sweeping generalizations, unrealistic scenarios, and poorly written run-on sentences. This sounds like it was written by a 12-year old girl. Thanks for the heads up on yet another organization to completely ignore in the future.

Re:Useless

[Starteck81]

She was 13, you insensitive clod.

Re:Useless

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought the only thing missing from the article was "OMG!!! PONIES!!!". =)

Wow

[Anonymous Coward]

Worst. List. Ever.

I think my brain just screamed from the horrible, horrible sentence structure. What, was this written by a seven year old?

Re:Wow

[Anonymous Coward]

Please don't insult the seven year olds.

Re:Wow

[TheVelvetFlamebait]

What, was this written by a seven year old?

im seven and an half actualy

Re:Wow

[Anonymous Coward]

Thanks to you, I Almost choked to death with Combo's. I couldn't stop laughing! You owe me a new bag of combos!

# 0.

[SpaceLifeForm]

Vista.

huh?

[BerkeleyDude]

Why is this on slashdot?

Your computer will probably crash a lot or at least reboot for no apparent reason but most likely due to some patch you got through an automated update which you are told to do for security reasons because apparently security and stability are incompatible.

Come on... That's like saying, "Something will probably go wrong because someone will mess something up, and it's not my fault, and I can't do anything about it, and in fact, I have no idea what I'm talking about."

Re:huh?

[plover]

Actually, that sounds a lot like a phrase from Weird Al's Your Horoscope for Today

Taurus
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

Re:huh?

[empaler]

"It may it rain on you on a day when you have not brought an umbrella."

"You may once be unable to find your keys, even though you put them down just a minute ago, and now they're mysteriously missing."

(Freely adapted from memory since it's been years since I've read about Rincewind's curses)

Re:huh?

[Anonymous Coward]

Your computer will probably crash a lot or at least reboot for no apparent reason but most likely due to some patch you got through an automated update which you are told to do for security reasons because apparently security and stability are incompatible.

Come on... That's like saying, "Something will probably go wrong because someone will mess something up, and it's not my fault, and I can't do anything about it, and in fact, I have no idea what I'm talking about."

End it with "purple monkey dishwasher" for additional authenticity. :)

Maybe their staff really did write each sentence via Round-Robin scheduling - well, one could hope.

Is it just me?

[MrCrassic]

...or was that article a complete toss-up of run-ons and fragments?

From what I could understand from the article, the title doesn't match up. This list seems more like a joke than a real list. I was expecting stuff like Klez (1999, I think), Melissa, ILoveU, "Hacked by Chinese," etc. Instead I get somewhat opinionated and controversally-worded (at best) topics that really make this read a waste.

Or maybe that was just modern art.

surprising

[senatorpjt]

FLASHING TEXT ads on slashdot's front page didn't make the list...

wtf, seriously.

Re:surprising

[sporkme]

Slashdot has ads? Seriously, it is only 5 bucks.

Re:surprising

[Anonymous Coward]

5 bucks? I got my copies of adblock+ and filterset G for free...

Re:surprising

[Anonymous Coward]

You're a bit of a twit if you pay five bucks for Privoxy.

OpenBSD would prevent many of these problems.

[Anonymous Coward]

For those who aren't familiar with OpenBSD, it's the most secure open source UNIX implementation. It's been engineered from the ground-up over the past decade to maximize security, through the use of continual code audits, OpenSSH, a security-enhanced Apache HTTPD fork, and other safety-first practices.

Off-hand, OpenBSD would have outright prevented items 1, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, and 10. The other items do not apply to OpenBSD (ie. falling for email-related fraud).

Re:OpenBSD would prevent many of these problems.

[MrKahuna]

OpenBSD will prevent the "sweet girl from procurements" from stealing toner cartridges (#9)??? Wow! Is it made by Ronco or the Swiss Army?

Re:OpenBSD would prevent many of these problems.

[Babillon]

It's a Swiss Army product. It comes in a snazzy red case that fits in your back pocket. It also has a toothpick!

sounds familiar

[illuminatedwax]

This article just keeps talking in one incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no one could interrupt it was really quite hypnotic.

(Tagged justkeepstalkinginoneincrediblyunbrokensentencemov ingfromtopictotopic)

Re:sounds familiar

[illuminatedwax]

oops doesnt fit; onelongincrediblyunbrokensentencemovingfromtopicto topic does

Re:sounds familiar

[Anonymous Coward]

For those that don't get it...
CAPTAIN JEAN LUC PICARD OF THE U S S ENTERPRISE

(stupid lameness filter. sometimes its correct to type in caps!)

Re:sounds familiar

[Anonymous Coward]

happy picard day!!

Re:sounds familiar

[miyako]

It took me a minute to get the reference. If anyone else thinks this sounds familiar, and can't place it, it's from a TNG episode where Captain Picard, Data, Troi, LaForge, and I think Dr. Crusher, were returning to the enterprise from a conference, and run into a number of "temporal eddies" that cause pockets of time to act weird.
They are discussion the various talks that they went on, and picard says, regarding the lecture that he attended that "he just kept talking in one long sentence moving from topic to topic so that no one could interrupt it was really quite hypnotic".

Re:sounds familiar

[tehcyder]

(Tagged justkeepstalkinginoneincrediblyunbrokensentencemov ingfromtopictotopic)

Best. Tag. Ever.

Re:sounds familiar

[jamie]

Incorrect.

My Poor Bluetooth Kids In Public Places

[snookerdoodle]

They said, "expect that bad people are happy to do bad things to them just like if you leave kids running around in public places unattended then bad people may do bad things to them as well with the odds basically being the same for all of it all happening."

Well, since the actual odds of anything happening to your children even if you were irresponsible enough to leave them "running around in public places unattended" are practically nil, I guess we're ok then.

That *is* what they're trying to say here, right?

probably the lamest thing ive ever read on slashdo

[Anonymous Coward]

ttttt

One of two things happened here...

[hobo sapiens]

1) the slashdot moderators got this story and did not have much time to get it out so they skimped on trivial bits like reading the article and so they just submitted it and if you read it you know why I am typing this way.

2) this story is a huge joke and everyone thought it was serious because it was on a purported security site with an official sounding acronym like isecom but if you have any sense at all you can see that its clearly a joke.

Ok, it hurts writing like that.

Re:One of two things happened here...

[Kabuthunk]

Oh, I saw that it was a joke site, and in no way serious.

Just a really, really pathetic attempt at humour, and fails miserably. It's below medeocre no matter what level you look at it. Either for humour, or serious... this article fails horribly. I have no clue why someone slashdotted it.

Re:One of two things happened here...

[ajdlinux]

Browsing around the ISECOM site makes it seem like it *is* an actual organisation. Is it the site or the post which is a joke?

Re:One of two things happened here...

[Anonymous Coward]

ISECOM is a joke. Damn ideahamsters...

What?

[NineNine]

What was "this" article about, exactly? It made no sense, whatsoever. How are these "crimes"? What are the top 10 of? Why in the hell was this piece of crap posted?

See, Slashdot is just another blog now. A big one. An old one. But now, it's just another plain ol' vanilla blog. Blogs live and die on popularity, and the popularity is generally related to the quality of the articles posted. If Slashdot continues down this long, editorial spiral of shit for much longer, I'm about to strike out to find some better reading.

This is pathetic.

Re:What?

[EtherealStrife]

The article itself is a crime.

Re:What?

[chinakow]

Reality check dipshit, Slashdot has always been a blog, before the word blog existed slashdot was a blog, get over yourself.

Excellent article

[joe_cot]

I now have this saved as the moment when slashdot jumped the shark. Now to see if I can find any prior art...

Re:Excellent article

[Andrewkov]

Do these sharks have lasers attached to their frikkin heads?

Re:Excellent article

[Anonymous Coward]

I thought that it was this event.

For those of you who didn't RTFA

[mmmmbeer]

DON'T! Really, for just this once, it's okay not to RTFA! It's the stupidest thing I've seen linked from /. in a long time. I can only assume ScuttleMonkey hates us and posted this to make us suffer.

In a slashdot first

[MEGAMAID]

For the love of god please don't RTFA! It hurts.

Chlamydia?

[oohshiny]

Getting Chlamydia requires intimage physical contact; I don't think there is much risk there for Slashdot members.

Re:Chlamydia?

[squizzar]

Most slashdotters get that all the time. Or does it mean with someone else?

Re:Chlamydia?

[TheVelvetFlamebait]

I don't think there is much risk there for Slashdot members.

Can you get Chlamydia from your hand?

Re:Chlamydia?

[anagama]

If your hands are warm and dry, no worries. If however your hands are clammy ....

Re:Chlamydia?

[Anonymous Coward]

"Mother Superior, we've got a case of Chlamydia in the nunnery!"

"Oh, send it over to the protestants - they'll drink anything!"

Runs the GAMBIT? What the fuck?

[Anonymous Coward]

I think the word is GAMUT.

Re:Runs the GAMBIT? What the fuck?

[Kelson]

I think the word is GAMUT.

I think "Gambit" is a mutant. Or at least a mutation of the English language.

Re:Runs the GAMBIT? What the fuck?

[nczempin]

I think "Gambit" is a mutant. Or at least a mutation of the English language.

Not sure what you're talking about here (mutant), GP is correct.

A gambit is a chess opening with at least one pawn sacrifice. There are other meanings (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gambit_(disambiguati on)) that usually refer to the one taken from chess.
The word is derived from "dare il gambetto" (although my Italian colleague says it should be "fare.."), which means "to trip someone up".

"Runs the gamut" would have been the correct phrase, "gamut" meaning "complete range": http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/gamut

Re:Runs the GAMBIT? What the fuck?

[Anonymous Coward]

Not sure what you're talking about here (mutant)

Please hand in your geek card.

Gambit is a member of the X-Men -- i.e. a mutant.

And he's the first link on that disambiguation page you looked at!

Re:Runs the GAMBIT? What the fuck?

[nczempin]

Please hand in your geek card.

Gambit is a member of the X-Men -- i.e. a mutant.

And he's the first link on that disambiguation page you looked at!


Ouch. You're right; where do I hand it in?

I should have put a :-) after my statement, but then again, I really didn't know, and I really didn't read all the entries in the disambig page that I so carefully dug out :-)

Shame on me!

Of course, posting as AC doesn't exactly qualify you as a geek, either :-)

How many slashdotters...

[Bananatree3]

Googled "chlamydia"? Hmm? Hhhhmmmmm?

this is the ....

[the_wesman]

worst article ever

Re:this is the ....

[Andrewkov]

You misspelled e-var.

here's a computer crime for you ....

[the_wesman]

let scuttlemonkey post any article he wants to slashdot

It's all a joke...

[Darundal]

Check out the "about us" section, original name of the group was the "Ideahamster Organization." Just think about the acronym for a second. Sound it out. I...See...C(u)m. One big joke to fool around with the Slashdot crowd, and probably a few other news blogs too. Don't be surprised if you see this on Fark or digg...

Firefox compatible?

[teebob21]

I love how the "Institute for Security and Open Methodologies" proudly displays a website that appears (at least for me) to be broken in Firefox 2.0.

I dug out IE from the Start Menu (ugh) and hmm....appears to be fixed. Perhaps this "Institute" should practice what I assume it preaches.

RTFA

[Swimport]

Worst article ever.

chlamydia

[Anonymous Coward]

This is /. You are assuming that someone has gotten close enough for sexual contact. Never happens; not here.

Terrible writing

[Whatsisname]

I can see how the run-on sentences were on purpose, but surely the bad spelling and grammar were not. Perhaps it will be blamed on spyware or microsoft.

With friends liks ISECOM...

[SavvyPlayer]

Who needs enemies?

"Runs the gamut" surely

[Anonymous Coward]

> This list runs the gambit from poorly designed patches to chlamydia!

Since TFA sucks so badly it seems redundant to criticize the original posting, however I couldn't resist.

Surely it's "runs the gamut" not "runs the gambit". Unless, of course, you really meant to say that it "controls the stratagem".

Not a serious article

[HeadlessNotAHorseman]

Why are people criticising the article as if it is serious...it's obviously a joke. The run-on sentences, the crazy associations (bruised knee!) etc...it's funny! I suppose every person has a different sense of humour (I know people who think that "Little Britain" is funny!) but I'm surprised that people mistook it for a real article.

Re:Not a serious article

[rolyatknarf]

Nobody thought it was serious and nobody thought it was funny. It was just bad.

Candidates for ISECOM's #11

[Anonymous Coward]

You are using your laptop in the toilet and then the toilet comes to life and eats your laptop and then you fight the toilet with a whip Indiana Jones style and then it wins and eats you and belches out the words 'Who's the boss?!' and then it wins an Emmy Award and becomes president of the United States of America.

Makes about as much sense.

isecom employees posting stories about isecom?

[Anonymous Coward]

from what i can tell, "thelordx" has submitted two stories: both of which are about ISECOM's stuff. I wonder if there's any affiliation......

Where does this list rank on the..

[MrPerfekt]

top 10 most horrible lists that the editors automatically post because it's the end of the year and has "top 10" in it?

My bet is fairly high.

Number 1 Christmas Crime?

[Anonymous Coward]

How about the crime that was the Star Wars Holiday Special and especially the unofficial website that says everything you always wanted (or didn't want) to know about it!? Anyone have a full copy of this 1977 special kicking around? For example, I found this Star Wars cartoon on YouTube.

Run on

[rossz]

Using a run-on sentence one time can be a useful humor device to get a point across. If they had done it just once, it would have been very funny. Ten times, however, was annoying and not so funny.

Sarcasm.

[killerdark]

Its painful to see so many /.ers completely missing the sarcasm in both the /. entry and the article.
Americans can be so tiring sometimes(flushes karma).

Re:Sarcasm.

[Anonymous Coward]

Sarcasm is supposed to be funny.

Re:Sarcasm.

[tehcyder]

Sarcasm is supposed to be funny.

Oh, yes, absolutely it has to be funny! You're so right!

Girls are smarter then boy...

[msimm]

...and they have...boobies (not 12 year old girls of course, except if you're a 12 year old boy!).

Re:Girls are smarter then boy...

[bkr1_2k]

True. My 11 year old daughter even knows when to use "then" and "than". I hope that was intentional.

Spite?

[msimm]

It's still up, who's paying the bills! :P

Footer says it all...

[Anonymous Coward]

Site is formerly the "Ideahamster Organization".

Dollars to doughnuts the webmaster just celebrated his 20th birthday.

Isn't chlamydia a sexually transmitted disease?

[nexu56]

I think Slashdot readers are safe.

"True (Crime) Vignettes" -- too close to home?

[bitmonki]

Vignette:

(French, "little vine"): A short composition showing considerable skill, especially such a composition designed with little or no plot or larger narrative structure. Often vignettes are descriptive or evocative in their nature.

The one thing none of us has enough of is time, and most of these concern, at the very least, a theft of time that is happening on a massive scale, and pervades online computing. In fact, judging by the posts, these thefts and frauds seem to be taken for granted by rather too many folks here.

1. (Fraud) There is money to be made in insecure, unstable software, and the hours people spend dealing with it is, apparently, inconsequential. (At least to people here?)
2. (Shoddy workmanship) That whizbang jillion GB drive you got for a song? -- won't last long!
3. (Racketeering) **AAs be watchin', you be dodgin' -- more time, and emotion, wasted.
4. (Criminal trespass, possible burglary, vandalization) The botz gots ya.
5. etc.

(Sheesh. I kinda liked TFA, for once.)

Re:"True (Crime) Vignettes" -- too close to home?

[bitmonki]

Perhaps, because of how commonplace many of these are, these vignettes make people feel powerless, thus the expressed dislike for them?

Amazing.

[duncanator]

Wow. That was some of the worst grammar I have EVER read. and I read H.P. Lovecraft!

Don't think so.

[ajs318]

Having read that list, I don't think any of them are likely to happen to me.

1. Unlikely. If my computer ever crashes, it does so for a reason. The software I am using has been independently audited. I've read the Source Code of some of it myself.

2. Unlikely. I know how to use locate.

3. Unlimited traffic. Static IP. Anything less is not a proper internet connection.

4. Bloody unlikely. I use a web browser, not a virus magnet. That's on top of an Operating System which is immune to viruses, spyware and adware -- by design.

5. I know how to turn off Bluetooth. So does anyone who has to pay for their electricity by the joule.

6. It's right there in the Terms and Conditions of my bank account: We will never ask you for personal information via the Internet. And it means what it says.

7. See 6. Anyway, there are only two ways my bank could add an "internet-enabled" service I'd actually use: let me take a photo of a pile of pound notes and coins, upload it and pay it into my account; or let me print pound notes on my own printer.

8. I don't buy software, I download it using apt-get. What is a CD key?

9. Bit far-fetched. Anyway, if anybody's going to be selling off the toner cartridges, it's me!

10. Unlikely. I don't travel by air anyway.

Re:Don't think so.

[Anonymous Coward]

twat

Re:Don't think so.

[Anonymous Coward]

That's on top of an Operating System which is immune to viruses, spyware and adware -- by design.

LOL. You just keep telling yourself that. You're magically immune to viruses just because you use an OS with privilege separation. Get a clue -- virus, spyware, and adware writers don't care about what you have in /usr/bin. They want your personal data, and you have full read/write access to that...

lame, slownewsday, stupid (tagging beta)

[matt me]

Dudes, I think we have proof the tag system is functioning correctly, and should now be introduced for me.

Reminds Me Of The Fixit Girl

[CmdrGravy]

MARIA: Shut up and help me saw up the man!
MAN: I can't...
MARIA: Don't argue, just chop him up!
MAN: ...
MARIA: ...
MAN: ...
MARIA: We're in a real hurry now...
MAN: ...
MARIA: ...
MAN: ...
(doorbell)
MARIA: Answer it and tell them to go away.
MAN: ...
MARIA: ...
MAN: Er... hello...
POLICEMAN: Everything all right, sir? We've heard there were some loud bangs.
MAN: Er... yeah...
POLICEMAN: Do you mind if I come in for a moment, sir?
MAN: Well, it's... there was a...
POLICEMAN: What's that? ...Oh my god.
MAN: Yeah, um... There's... been an accident.
MARIA: He killed the man.
MAN: What!?
POLICEMAN: What, love?
MARIA: He killed the man.
POLICEMAN: Is that right, sir?
MAN: I hired her... I hired you to sort this out!
POLICEMAN: I think you'd better come with us.
MAN: You fucked it up!
MARIA: I AM only four.
POLICEMAN: Come on, sir...
MAN: You said you could sort it out!
MARIA: I did try!
MAN: You said you'd done this before!
POLICEMAN: Come on...
MARIA: I am only four...
MAN: I'll fucking get you!
MARIA: I am. Four years and three months. ...Chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man

( Chris Morris, Blue Jam. Fixit Girl )

It's a different point of view.

[Anonymous Coward]

It is about "REAL" computer crimes in which case it deals with people who care about technology in other ways than probably the normal Slashdot crowd. It is not exactly meant to be ha-ha funny or even all that sarcastic even though some of it can be. It is a collection of stream-of-thought "crimes" as seen by less technical people but do include technology. These are the complaints you can hear and see out in the "real" world where people are more paranoid of their phone getting ripped off (maybe rightly so) than of next-gen phone viruses. It actually does a good job at making fun of all those top 10 and prediction lists that are so full of themselves while also showing the widening gap of how we view security between technical people and the regular people we sell products and services to.

WTF?!

[extern_void]

Ok, now we can post any piece of junk in text format.
After this one, enything is possible, maybe some poetry or cook instructions....

Lame comments

[stewbacca]

The only thing worse than the below-average attempt at humor in this article is the sheer number of slashdot people who don't even get it is a joke in the first place (even if the joke isn't that funny). Seriously, get out and get some air.

Surely a nominee for...

[Bearhouse]

The 2006 'zonk' award for lamest post & article...

Pink-laced crime spree

[Jesus_666]

Also, consider "crime" #9: [...]

What? That's one of the biggest crimes in today's IT world! Do you have any idea how much money is lost annually due to the sweet girl from procurements with the pink-laced keds getting caught selling toner cartridges on E-bay which she stole from someone's office printer and she tells the boss that she didn't know it was from there because he gave it to her and when they go to investigate they find some work documents on his personal USB key drive that he needed to move files to another computer in a department with a printer that still had toner along with a file full of MP3s and spreadsheet full of numbers he'd been toying with to see if it's feasible to start his own competing business?
Entire companies have gone bankrupt because the sweet girl from procurements with the pink-laced keds gets caught selling toner cartridges on E-bay which she stole from an important worker's office printer and she tells the boss that she didn't know it was from there because he gave it to her and when they go to investigate they find some work documents on his personal USB key drive that he needed to move files to another computer in a department with a printer that still had toner along with a file full of MP3s and spreadsheet full of numbers he'd been toying with to see if it's feasible to start his own competing business.

The sweet girl from procurements with the pink-laced keds gets caught selling toner cartridges on E-bay which she stole from your office printer and she tells the boss that she didn't know it was from there because you gave it to her and when they go to investigate they find some work documents on your personal USB key drive that you needed to move files to another computer in a department with a printer that still had toner along with a file full of MP3s and spreadsheet full of numbers you'd been toying with to see if it's feasible to start your own competing business is a serious crime!

Cretans?

[Porchroof]

Wow.

Most of the posts in this thread apparently were made by cretans.

The article in question was obviously written as humor.

The article in question was indeed funny.

The long sentences are a device to show impatience, to show that the writer's mind is working faster than his typing fingers. (Has any of you ever heard the Old Philospher? Not the same, but a similar device is used: successive questions.)

To top it off, some posters even found this thread as an opportunity to bash Microsoft!?! (I'm beginning to believe that most viruses, trojans and worms are written by *nix creeps in a misguided effort to prove that Microsoft is evil and that users of Microsoft products are stupid for using those products.)

Re:Cretans?

[tehcyder]

Most of the posts in this thread apparently were made by cretans.

What have you got against people from Crete?

Oh, wait, you just misspelled cretins. How amusing.

Re:Cretans?

[deanoaz]

"The article in question was indeed funny."

    In the early going I thought it was just a poorly done attempt at a Top 10 List. As I got nearer the end I realized it was a semi-autobiographical sketch and thought it was cute. I've seen worse. Although maybe not on SlashDot.

Re:Cretans?

[Anonymous Coward]

The article in question was indeed funny
          No it wasn't.

To top it off, some posters even found this thread as an opportunity to bash Microsoft!?! (I'm beginning to believe that most viruses, trojans and worms are written by *nix creeps in a misguided effort to prove that Microsoft is evil and that users of Microsoft products are stupid for using those products.)

          Yes. It was one big opportunity to bash Microsoft. Most of this stuff the writer assumes is a natural consequence of using a computer doesn't happen on non-Microsoft OSes. Crashes? Well, I've had some but the computer does usually either display why on-screen or log it. Security breaches? With Linux and the BSDs at least, there's a long tradition of security researchers finding dodgy code, sometimes it's not even proven exploitable, but is cleaned up anyway. Buffer overflows? Stack-smahing protection works, binary randomization etc. (the kind of stuff Vista is getting) already is in place with most distros. To be hones, just not running IE takes care of most of it though, even if you are running Windows. Most exploits rely on the exact layout of the binary being exploited too, so just having so many different distros makes it unlikely your machine has the exact binary that an exploit is trying to umm.. exploit.

Spam

[Tim_UWA]

I emailed that to myself and spamassassin and bogofilter both marked it as spam with a score of 5.0 (out of 5.0)

Number #7

[KingNaught]

I totally disagree with number 7. I work for a bank in the IT department. I know for a fact that we lose $5.00 a month for every customer who we give Internet banking and Free Bill pay to. We sure as hell don't make that back with the $350 dollars thay have deposited in their account. Banks give you tones of free services that the bank has to pay for and then you complain about it. A bank loses money on a great number of its customers and their ussually the ones we get complaints from.

ISECOM is a 3 year old kid

[StinkyPinky]

My subjekt line sez it all.

Not Funny

[HazMathew]

That article was stupid. :(

Contributory Negligence?

[vtcodger]

***that are in a difficult-to-read font*** I'm not going to defend the content of the article. I didn't mind it all that much, and agree with some of the points but I wouldn't exactly call it 'tightly focused'.

However, on my Windows98 PC here, it renders in Arial and a perfectly readable serifed font -- Courier I think. (I'm a content guy not a layout person). I tried both Off-by-One and Firefox and it's quite readable in both.

So maybe part of the problem is loading stuff like Office that makes a zillion dubiously readable fonts available. And maybe the solution for many people (yes, I know that some people really need Elvish 12pt et al for work or avocation reasons) is to delete a lot of the fonts that they will never use and detest when others use them. I only have 31 fonts installed on this machine. I suspect that's too few, but I also suspect that hundreds of fonts is too many for a lot of folks.

Did someone slip the ideahamsters some booze?

[spun]

From their "about us" page (emphasis mine):

  Founded originally as the Ideahamster Organization for generating security-centric inventions for the open source community, we continue to provide collective information and tools under the open licenses under the Open Source Initiative and the Open Methodology License for free public dissemination. Our main technical team members are still known as "ideahamsters" which is a term used to describe a person who is always providing creative and new ideas.

Wow. Just, wow. So is this an organization started and run by twelve year old wanna-be hackers?

Oblig. Grammar Nazi Comment

[foamrotreturns]

FTFA:
"You're new video and tv-capable mobile phone"
For once, It's an incorrect use of "you're" when "your" should have been used. Usually it's the other way around.

Great Way to Waste Time

[Teratoma86]

While waiting on that meeting to start, you know the one that you really don't want to be in but for some reason you are required to be there and then everyone finally shows up and starts talking about a completely different subject for which you are completely uninterested so you start playing solitaire while waiting for them to get to the real subject of the meeting and all of the sudden you catch your name and the comment "done by end of the day" and you have no idea what you have just been asked/assigned to do and everyone leaves. I loved the post!

Here's a crime

[d_54321]

Howabout the crime of boring /. the audience to death?