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haha, Obama is hot isn't he?!

When you snap out of being in denial we'll be there for you honey.

someone was there before you: http://gaybuntu.com/

The Agony and Ecstasy of Becoming an Ubuntu User:

It's four thirty a.m. and the house is asleep.

I. . . am not asleep.

I am crouched in the bathtub in a frog-like stance, small puddles of urine and liquid shit at my feet. I'm leaning forward, gripping the side of the tub and biting my knee, overwhelmed by a mixture of pain and pleasure as I piston a dildo in and out of my ass.

You see, I really love anal masturbation.

Ever try it? No? You should.

Doesn't matter who you are. God gave all of us, male and female, an abundance of nerve endings in our rectum - and one life to live. So why don't you go ahead and test out the equipment? Have some fun. No point in having a gun sitting on your shelf your entire life and never killing anyone, right?

But I realize there's a fairly persistent misconception among guys that I'm gonna have to dispel before we go any further:

Stimulating your own ass is not "gay."

That notion doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I mean, how could anything you do to your own body be gay? Nobody ever freaks out in the middle of jerking off like "Holy fuck, I've got a fistful of cock! I've gotta cut this gay shit out!" Well, what's the philosophical difference between playing with your dick and playing with your ass?

There is none.

Look fellas, here's the scoop:

If you have a girl wearing a foot long strap-on, smacking your face and screaming "WHO'S MY BITCH?!?" while she pounds your asshole until it bleeds, that would be a *heterosexual* act. Girl on guy. Simple.

Now if it's a guy that's fucking you, that would be homosexual. And if you're doing it to yourself, well, that's plain old masturbation.

But listen - if you're still sitting there being stubborn, all macho and uptight going "My ass. . . is EXIT ONLY!!!" then lemme just ask you a question.

You know that feeling you get when you take a really big shit?

You know what I'm talking about. You're sitting on the couch, eating Cheez-Its and watching Larry King, when all of the sudden you feel that familiar burning. . . so you get up and bound off to the bathroom all bow legged, clenching your sphincter real tight, and then you furiously rip off your boxer briefs and plop down on the seat just in time to let a huuuuuuge thick turd come sliding out of your ass?

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!

That feeling.

That tingling, chills up your spine, this-is-absolutely-the-pinnacle-of-human-existence feeling.

Well guess what. That's the feeling of a massive rod moving through your rectum, tickling those wonderfully abundant nerve endings. You love it. It's okay. We all do. It doesn't make you a fag. Or at the very least, we're ALL fags. So indulge yourself.

(Yes, I understand that said feeling is partially due to the sensory experience of toxins leaving the body, which is unique to defecation - but the operative word here is "partially." You like the log movement, too. Don't try to argue.)

So anyway, now that you've decided to be bold, and not a homophobic pussy, and poke around the cornhole a little bit - good for you. But there's something you should remember. Anal masturbation is just like playing the accordion, or shooting a jumper, or really anything else that's worth doing. That is, it requires practice.

You see, back when I was a kid I would get curious and stick a finger or a toothbrush up there, but I wasn't fucking around with anywhere near the kind of pleasure I'm achieving now. It was uncomfortable even. So I worked on it.

And conversely, I know I'm still far from expertise in this particular discipline. I don't claim to be an ass master. There's a whole world of lengths, girths, textures, and vibrations that my eager browneye has yet to inhale.

But since I have honed my skills to a pretty decent level, I'll share with you my current technique. Without further ado:

SpunkyBrewster's Anal Masturbation Technique

What You Need:

Well, Ubuntu is poop brown for a reason...

Using Ubuntu is also actively dangerous to your anal virginity.

You forgot Gaybuntu

But that's why we have gaybuntu!

Oh noes, teh homos are winning.

You mean like this?

"Ubuntu with a new slogan: The Linux for gay people (tm)"

you think you're kidding: http://gaybuntu.com/

Not exactly direct from Ubuntu, but hey, it's there.

Everyone knows the *real* gay distro is Gentoo, though. (kidding, kidding!)

While you're thinking of Myanus, why not try Gaybuntu?

Well, Ubuntu and Mac users will be happy about it as they're all homosexuals.

The Mac users probably already caught it from the buttsex, though Ubuntu users are safe as they probably still virgins.

Try Feisty Faggot. That'll turn ya'.

Or maybe he's gay.

They don't want to catch "the AIDS" from these guys.

Seriously, though, Beagle beats Google Desktop.

Well, where's "Gaydows" or "GayOS X"? There is Gaybuntu.

Something else will go up if you're using Ubuntu. A cock will go up your ass as Ubuntu will turn you into a faggot.

Well, how about a boyfriend?

I also think that it is one of those things were proclaiming your sexuality means confidence, and bravery.

He's probably an Uubntu user, so it's probably all gay porn. This guy is his hero.

Umm, you're thinking of Mac users. They're all fags. Linux users can't get pussy or cock, they're all virgins living in their mother's basement whacking it to Natalie Portman (hot grits!). Except for Ubuntu users, which are all faggots but still virgins.

Yes. Shuttleworth is correct. The last thing we need is more Ubuntu installations. There are enough faggots already.

While your post was funny, http://gaybuntu.com/ exists. Why? I'm not sure.

While I'm not a fan of Ubuntu, it seems like a good choice with the community support for home users and commercial support for businesses.

Ubuntu is going to turn the French into faggots.

Why not try Ubuntu, it has a nice colour of my cock coming out your arse.

It's the greatest OS ever, if you're straight. Macs are for faggots. Linux is also for faggots.

For the Fisting Fudgepackers release.

It looks like a turd, so the fags are all excited about it.

It's even more gay than Ubuntu. Learn a real language.

Where's the "-1, Gay" modifier when you need it?

OpenSUSE developers should stay away from Ubuntu, though. Unless, of course, they want to be turned into faggots.

Open Source is fine. Just stay away from Ubuntu as it will turn you into a faggot.

For those Linux users who prefer their penis to be in an anus: http://gaybuntu.com/

And now the Mac user moniker of "gay terrorist" has a worthy challenger.

For those Linux users who prefer their penis to be in an anus: http://gaybuntu.com/

Nope. Their artist was fine. He just decided to work on different distro.