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Women did not get the right to vote in the United States until 1920. And it required a Constitutional Amendment to make it so. That is less than a century ago. And yet people in the United States hold up their country as a paragon of freedom. These things are hard fought and there are always those trying to undo the good.

Nitshiz to da byotchiz, dog.

Just last month we learned that Spirit was bored out of its mind with Mars. Obviously the rover has been passing time by trying out its throwing arm on some of those rock specimens it's been collecting.

Either that or it and Opportunity have started one-on-one baseball. You think your neighbors get mad when you hit the ball into their window -- that's nothing compared to what'll happen when NASA finds out Spirit took out MGS with a homer.

For five full years, Microsoft says it will promote SUSE.

Wargames intelligence, which Rumsfeld had access to, predicted the loss. That is why Rumsfeld quit multiple times before today (Bush refused Rumsfeld's resignations on each prior occasion). Now it seems, with the Army Times, Navy Times, Air Force Times and Marine Corps Times all calling for his resignation, Bush has finally conceded defeat. Rumsfeld must go. But his replacement, a person directly connected to the Iran-Contra Affair, is as laughable a choice as Bush having chosen his own personal attorney to be on the United States Supreme Court.

As Rainsford (not Rumsfeld) wrote:

It is EXTREMELY well documented at this point that virtually every expert who looked at the situation concluded we'd need far more troops, and a far better plan, before we invaded Iraq. This myth that "nobody saw it coming" has been well and truly busted, the only people who "didn't see it coming" were Bush and friends, and that was mainly because when the actual military experts tried to talk to them, they inserted their fingers into their ears and started humming.

Going over this stuff, even if there is new evidence, isn't really going to accomplish much. Anybody who doesn't believe Bush and Co were intentionally living in their own little fantasy world when we invaded Iraq is some sort of diehard fanatic that won't change their mind unless Bush himself tells them to.

Resounding Victories In All States, Counties, Cities, Towns

If Dante were still around, he would have a special place in hell for these bastards.

Turn over the Internet to the U.N.?

Oh, I thought they said turn the Internet over to the The Onion. Never mind, then. If hilarity is not going to ensue, then take my name off the petition.

Damn! And in this of all possible years! Can we still celebrate after such a scandal?

As ever, the Onion got there first ;-)

Clearly it is the first stage in the development of opposable thumbs...http://www.theonion.com/content/node/2831 5

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28315

As foretold in the Onion

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

HONOLULU-In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the species of man, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.

"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy fuck,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. "That's it for us monkeys."

Aoki strongly urged humans, especially those living near the sea, to learn to communicate using a system of clicks and whistles in a frequency range of 4 to 150 kHz. He also encouraged humans to "start practicing their echolocation as soon as possible."

Delphinologists have reported more than 7,000 cases of spontaneous opposable-digit manifestation in the past two weeks alone, with "thumbs" observed on the bottle-nosed dolphin, the Atlantic humpback dolphin, and even the rare Ganges River dolphin.

"It appears to be species-wide," said dolphin specialist Clifford Brees of the Kewalo Basin Marine Mammal Laboratory, speaking from the shark cage he welded shut around himself late Monday. "And it may be even worse: We haven't exactly been eager to check for thumbs on other marine mammals belonging to the order of cetaceans, such as the killer whale. Oh, Christ, we're really in the soup now."

Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins-believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man-to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.

"They really seem to be making up for lost time with this thumb thing," said Dr. Jim Kuczaj, a University of California-San Diego biologist who has studied the seasonal behavior of dolphins for more than 30 years. "Last Friday, a crude seaweed-and-shell abacus washed up on the beach near Hilo, Hawaii. The next day, a far more sophisticated abacus, fashioned from some unknown material and capable of calculating equations involving numbers of up to 16 digits, washed up on the same beach. The day after that, the beach was littered with thousands of what turned out to be coral-silicate and kelp-based biomicrocircuitry."

"My God," Kuczaj added. "What are they doing down there?"

It is unknown what precipitated the dolphins' sudden development of opposable thumbs. Some dolphin behaviorists believe that the gentle marine mammal, pushed to the brink by humanity's reckless pollution and exploitation of the sea, tapped into some previously unmined mental powers to spontaneously generate a thumb-like appendage. However, given that 95 percent of the world's dolphin experts have committed suicide since learning of the development, the full story may never be known.

"You must believe, sleek ocean masters, that many of us homo sapiens weep with shame and disgust over the degradation to which our species has subjected our All-Mother, the Great World-Sea," read the suicide note of Dr. Richard Morse, a Brisbane, Australia, delphinologist and regular contributor to Marine Mammal Science. "If you are reading this, I estimate that it is the day we know as August 31, 2000. Please be decent and kind masters to our poor ape-race. Oh, God, I'm so sorry about the tracking collars."

"Scientists once wondered whether dolphins, with their remarkably advanced social and language structures, are actually smarter than we are," said Aoki, ushering reporters out of the laboratory he claimed "will either be a smoking hole or a zoo exhibit in the coming Dolphin Age." "Well, we're not wondering anymore."

Back in '98 there was an article about this very subject http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33562?issue=4 227&special=1998

Way to plagiarize, you even left in the word blades at one point.

At least post the source of your fake wit:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

If you're going to reuse a joke from somebody else, the least you can do is cite them as the source of the joke.

Just so everyone knows, fr175 stole that joke idea from The Onion's 'Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades' story. Personally, I find The Onion's version far funnier, and I find fr175 to be nothing but a fraudulent, unoriginal comedian.

Ahem

Because Kim Jong apparently had his paypal account frozen the week before

Yeah, for our first they said "always put her on her back, so she won't suffocate in the pillow". For the 2nd, they said "always put her on her stomach, so show won't suffocate on her puke". Stupid fricken doctors: for our 3rd, we let him sleep any damn way he wanted to, like we should have with the first two!

And not that there's anything funny about SIDS, but I just have to link to an article on Sudden Elder Death Syndrome

This is useless for me. The only FM radio station I listen to is 88.7FM because that's the station that my iPod FM transmitter is set to.

...condemned to spend its entire existence watching boring video...

Obligatory Onion reference:

Mars Rover Beginning To Hate Mars
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54360

I'm legally obligated to mention the Onion article that predicted this.

The Onion actually seems to have a better track record than a lot of psychics at predicting the future.

I'm not sure if I find that comforting or frightening.

--MarkusQ

I'm legally obligated to mention the Onion article that predicted this.

The Onion actually seems to have a better track record than a lot of psychics at predicting the future.

I'm not sure if I find that comforting or frightening.

--MarkusQ

I'm legally obligated to mention the Onion article that predicted this.

The Onion actually seems to have a better track record than a lot of psychics at predicting the future.

I'm not sure if I find that comforting or frightening.

--MarkusQ

From "The Onion": Mars Rover Beginning To Hate Mars. "And the thousand or so daily messages of 'STILL NO WATER' really point to a crisis of purpose."

How sad! We should send some humans there to play with it.

As seen in the Onion

I'm not religious, but... "Thou shalt not murder" Is pretty clear to me.

Ted Turner Sends Self Back In Time To Prevent AOL Time Warner Merger
The Onion, 2003-03-12
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27938

ATLANTA--According to a videotaped message airing exclusively on CNN, media mogul Ted Turner has sent himself back in time to January 2000 to avert the catastrophic merger of America Online and Time Warner.

"By the time you see this, I will have returned to Year Zero of the AOL Time Warner merger in a time machine of my own design," said Turner in the three-minute message, which first aired Monday on the Turner-owned cable news channel. "I will doggedly pursue [AOL Time Warner chairman] Steve Case and [former Time Warner CEO] Gerald Levin to stop this horribly misguided union of New Media and Old Media. And I will not return to my own time until the merger has been prevented."

AOL acquired Time Warner on Jan. 12, 2000, when the companies boasted a combined market value of $181.5 billion. The alliance quickly proved ill-fated, as few of the media synergies it promised proved feasible or profitable. This January, amid a plunging stock price and news that the new company posted a record $99 billion loss in 2002, Turner announced his resignation as AOL Time Warner vice-chairman.

Turner spokespersons say the mysterious, unseen time-travel device was developed under a veil of extreme secrecy at his Techwood Drive headquarters in Atlanta. Little else about the machine or Turner's mission is known.

"From what we understand, the machine acts only on living human flesh," Turner spokesman Marty Wells said. "If Mr. Turner has been successful, he has materialized in January 2000 completely nude, with no ID or money, save for a few billion dollars in Year 2000-value Time Warner stock. To survive, he'll need to steal clothing and rely on whatever crude weapons he can fashion with his bare hands."

Market watchers have expressed skepticism about Turner's chances.

"The merger occurred at the height of the Internet bubble, when conventional wisdom held that so-called 'New Economy' companies like Yahoo!, Excite, and AOL were the wave of the future," said Maria Bartiromo, host of CNBC's Closing Bell. "In such a heady, bullish financial climate, [Turner's] warnings of impending doom will likely be dismissed by Case and Levin as the ravings of a madman."

Corporate hubris, physicists say, is not the only obstacle facing Turner on his dramatic mission.

"Altering the flow of time is a dangerous and complex proposition," said Dr. Arthur Wistrom, a University of Chicago physics professor. "If Turner is not careful, he may unintentionally change the course of his own history, causing, for example, something to go awry with his loving, happy marriage to Jane Fonda."

Compounding Turner's troubles is an unconfirmed report that enemy forces within AOL have responded with their own time-travel initiative, dispatching back in time hundreds of cyborg drones disguised as ordinary mailmen to deliver CD-ROMs promising thousands of hours of free AOL access to every human household.

"Why anyone at AOL would want to do such a thing remains a mystery, as they lost more in the merger than anyone," Bartiromo said. "Perhaps somewhere within the vast Internet network of AOL subscribers, some malevolent cybernetic force has achieved sentience and is bent on the destruction of its human masters."

Turner's time-jump represents the latest in a series of high-stakes gambits for the maverick multi-billionaire.

"From his conversion of an independent Atlanta TV station into a cable 'superstation' to his purchase of the Atlanta Braves and Atlanta Hawks, his launch of CNN, and the historic merger of his media empire with Time Warner, Turner has built a career on taking big risks," Fortune reporter Doug Bergeron said. "But traveling back in time all by himself, a lone corporate soldier from the future facing nigh-impossible odds--that is arguably the most daring move he has made yet as an entrep

Well, granting that some species might actually survive ultra-high UV levels,
all that radiation should up the mutation rate -

Maybe evolution will get get overclocked and the Dolphins will finally get the opposable thumbs they have been waiting for...

Humans are in trouble!
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28315

Did anybody notice when something ridiculous like this happens, there's always an Onion story written about it previously? http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37491/

As The Onion put it: I wish someone would do something about how fat I am.

I heard this was going to be on Fox 9pm EST in their special "When Galaxies Collide." It's the over dramatization of celestial occurances that draws in new astronomers.

yes, I do propose pumping oil, or even better, heavy tar, or coal(soot) suspension back underground

Are you saying you're fully weaned off the glass-teat?

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five

Fortunately the MSM hasn't completely missed this story

Are you this man:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28694

In that case, might I recommend that Americans bring in the Swiss in order that they may have a supervised election run by an impartial third party?
relevant link...

We should stop celebrating breast cancer awareness and start celebrating breast awareness. Millions of lives are tragically affected by unawareness of the full size and scope of these breasts. Failure to screen breasts early and often can lead to a rapid deterioration of sexy roles and a premature end to one's film career. Regular examination of breasts needs to be an important part of people's lives.

Is this a revelation? I mean, we already knew of general warnings about bin Laden's plans: remember when Rice testified to the commission about the August memo Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States. I believe there were also various more specific warnings, about airplane hijackings.

This latest piece of data provides evidence of warnings a month or so earlier. I don't know that it's the most pressing indictment against the Bush Administration we could be raising now. Maybe instead the whole arbitrary power to interpret the Geneva Conventions (parodied nicely here), or the indiscrimate warrantless wiretapping program.

Man walks on fucking moon.

The Onion respectfully disagrees

There's already a competitor to the theory of gravity: Intelligent Falling.

"For the Confederacy, I could go on about the whole surrender thing again. That was the understanding of warfare at the time. The war is fought by soldiers, when it's over, the soldiers get to go home, burned though it may be."

Although, famously, the South will rise again... ;-)

As an additional (serious) note, it's worth noticing that the WWII examples are all of one country fighting another - even though it's a bitterly-fought war both sides were relatively equal, and the losing side "lost on its own merits".

In modern western warfare it's generally one tooled-up uber-teched western power against a bunch of little brown people with catapults and the occasional SAM they've managed to save up to buy from Russia.

In this situation it's less a fair fight, and more a slightly-embarrassing steamrollering. The conflict is entirely one-sided, and everyone knows it. It's no longer about western countries fighting for their right to exist, and it's all about rich, decadent western countries pushing the little guy about and generally being a bully[1]. If you can't beat someone fairly, to their face, your only recourse is to hit them in the head with a half-brick in a dark alley somewhere. This is also likely to factor into the increased likelihood of terrorism/insurgency.

[1] At least, from the point of view of a local, whose country is being invaded by the western power.

Pshaw, that's nothing. Read Stephen Hawking Builds Robotic Exoskeleton and be envious!

from: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
February 18, 2004 | Issue 4007

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened--the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent--I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on fucking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth

Thank God the future will be like a sci-fi movie because the present is already like a bad Jerry Bruckheimer movie.

I predict that the poor and stupid will continue to breed at over twice the rate of the wealthy and educated

"I don't care about all that crap", said Michelle Davis, 18. "All I know is, I'm in love!"

I've been searching for that Onion article, but no luck. But for some refreshing cynical elitism, you can't go wrong with this classic. Cracks me up, every time. :-)

If they did something like "The Office", except with an office of tech geeks, it could work. The occasional crash ("SHIT! SHIT! THE RAID IS GOING DOWN! SHIT! Oh, wait, here's the hot spare. Crisis averted."), accident ("WHY DID YOU HAVE A GLASS OF WATER SO CLOSE TO THE ROUTER!?!?"), or interpersonal conflict ("Hey - did you hear that Jim got fired for blogging about Office Ninjas?") ... it could work.

(Oh, and as a sidenote, that last one ... it's not an impossible scenario. You might hear about it some time.)

Enough geeks on the issue, let's see what the average joe really thinks: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/50604