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"OK, fuck it, we're evil. But you don't care because our stuff is sooo good. It works well. So bend over and TAKE IT from our patents. Or we'll make you use a Windows CE phone instead."

Mac users are surprised when things don't work well and smoothly; Windows users are surprised when they do. Microsoft wouldn't have had half the trouble with antitrust and crappy Seinfeld ads if their stuff actually worked.

Same with Google. "Sure, you're worried about our tentacles in your life. But it's not like you're going to use Windows Live Search. Muwaaaaahahaha."

"Vista's slow, it's fat, my software doesn't work, I can't get drivers, the User Access Control's a pain in the ass and my network grinds to a crawl when I play an mp3! What do you call that?"

"... The Aristocrats!"

Why yes, I want a WINDOWS experience. It will involve bending shoes together. Or something.

What on earth? Windows CE is a fabulous example of software that sells in magazines and looks good on feature lists but basically doesn't bloody work. There's a reason the accursed iPhone is so popular, and especially so with anyone who's suffered a WinCE phone and done the wince of WinCE.

Written up. Critiques welcomed.

I toldja - they shoulda gone with a real comedian.

I was looking for them working their way back through the comedic genius of history ... perhaps W.C. Fields next. All the way back to Aristophanes.

Or, in a more famous joke:

"Vista's slow, it's fat, I can't get drivers, my network grinds to a crawl when I play an mp3! What do you call that?"

"... The Aristocrats!"

Is it too off-topic to say that I deeply and sincerely wish Dick Fold and crew wouldn't keep their accumulated stash but would actually suffer the consequences of their bad decisions? Y'know, it'd just be nice for once.

I mean, look at the guy. He just needs a cuddly fluffy cat and a drinking womanising British spy held at gunpoint by his henchmen.

"We owe it all to the bedrock of our economy: the ordinary hard-working taxpayer. You resisted the siren call of credit cards, lived within your means to save for a rainy day, never took out an interest-only mortgage, credit score to make Jesus cry. Without taking every penny you saved over the $100,000 guarantee, we'd never have made it. And the best bit is, we know you'll still vote Republican! God bless you all!"

The contemporary militant Tooth Fairy jihadist movement continues to be disrespected by these scientific infidels.

Everything causes cancer, and cures it.

A lot of this "new study" stuff is horrendously lazy journalism caused by having too much space to fill.

Everything causes cancer, and cures it.

A lot of this "new study" stuff is horrendously lazy journalism caused by having too much space to fill.

My LARGE HARDON COLLIDER pushes large, energised hardons through a ring repeatedly, faster and faster, as smoothly and tightly as possible, until they clash and spray matter in all directions.

... what?

(Who invented that horribly typo-prone word anyway?)

I was joking when I floated the idea of the Large Hardon Collider running Vista.

(I'd think that would lead to an immediate loss of Large Hardon myself.)

Now I, a poor Linux user, can give Google my confidential business data, bank account details, medical information, personal preferences in pornography and DNA code! And it'll all be entirely confidential between me and their marketing department!

But they're still not evil. If they were evil, I'd have to search using Windows Live.

"We're not evil," said Google. "We just want to know your confidential business data, bank account details, medical information, personal preferences in pornography and DNA code. Microsoft ... they want to make you use Windows Live Search."

I'm sure Jaundiced Jackass will default to Chrome.

But ya rly. IceWeasel all the way.

Written up.

Written up.

Linux did it.

Dr Evil is at work with the Russian Dark Security Market to hold the world to ransom for One Hundred Beelion Dollars!

(Or it's just a large hardon again.)

Dr Evil is at work with the Russian Dark Security Market to hold the world to ransom for One Hundred Beelion Dollars!

(Or it's just a large hardon again.)

Maybe they could get Windows zombies instead. "Memoryyy ... memoryyy ..."

Seriously, these guys will be the human equivalent of Zunes as far as an answer to Apple goes. "I dunno, reboot and reinstall." How are they going to do more than the local PC shop does?

*facepalm*

How about W.C. Fields for the next one?

We can work all the way back to Aristophanes if need be. Never let anyone say Microsoft's "out of touch" with the "hipsters."

Mad scientists are way too nice and sweet-natured these days. We need more evil geniuses. Who'll do things like run the Large Hardon Collider on Vista.

Is that why the world hasn't ended yet? Is the LHC still waiting for someone to click "Unblock"?

Mad scientists are way too nice and sweet-natured these days. We need more evil geniuses. Who'll do things like run the Large Hardon Collider on Vista.

Is that why the world hasn't ended yet? Is the LHC still waiting for someone to click "Unblock"?

My large hardon collider pushes large, energised hardons through a ring repeatedly, faster and faster, as smoothly and tightly as possible, until they clash and spray matter in all directions.

... What?

You mean Flesh Godron and the Large Hardon Collider is of less than immaculate scientific accuracy? That's unpossible. You must be a Democrat.

Mad scientists are way too nice and sweet-natured these days. We need more evil geniuses.

Ah, brilliant idea. Who else here would like to see what Dr. Horrible could do with the LHC...? C'mon, hands up, one... two... three... four...

Mad scientists are way too nice and sweet-natured these days. We need more evil geniuses. Who'll do things like run the Large Hardon Collider on Vista.

(Okay, that's too evil. They can run it on Google Chrome.)

Mad scientists are way too nice and sweet-natured these days. We need more evil geniuses. Who'll do things like run the Large Hardon Collider on Vista.

(Okay, that's too evil. They can run it on Google Chrome.)

Windows 7 won't have these problems! It'll fix everything!

But really. Blaming everyone but Microsoft? The drivers, when they deliberately changed the driver model at the last moment so XP drivers wouldn't work? What?

They need to make a game actually called Red Ring, to follow up their earlier hit Blue Screen.

For goodness' sake. They have your business data, your bank account details, your medical information, your DNA sequence and your personal preferences in pornography. Now they want your gamer chat?

"Gamer chat: the unspeakable in pursuit of the incomprehensible" - Oscar Wilde.
  "stfu n00b" - Mark Twain.

"LOL PWN3D G3T WOW GOLD ON EBAY.COM"

It's the Windows job creation scheme mentality applied to OS threading: processes are heavyweight in Windows. "Process-spawning is expensive - not as expensive as in VMS, but (at about 0.1 seconds per spawn) up to an order of magnitude more so than on a modern Unix." More work = more hardware.

And freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

I am fully confident that Google will maintain complete confidentiality within the marketing department of whatever their applications access concerning your confidential business data, bank account details, medical information, personal preferences in pornography and DNA sequence. And they only take ownership of my stuff for good, decent and proper ad selection. They're not evil, remember. It said so in their prospectus.

My hadron weighs a ton.

... What?

It's really just a bit typo-prone.

(I am so very, very sorry.)

"I'll say one thing for them evilutionist climate change conspirators," giggled President Palin, "their hard work to take away the ice and make it look like they were right has done wonders for us good and decent folk."

is the LHC safe running chrome tho

nice one

Webkit is completely safe; Apple is completely good and noble. Google will maintain complete confidentiality within the marketing department of whatever the browser accessed concerning your confidential business data, bank account details, medical information and personal preferences in pornography. Apple won't even tell you about you.

Obviously they have to rewerite it for Google Chrome to compete with the LHC.

"We are so, so happy with Google Chrome," mumbled Mozilla CEO John Lilly through gritted teeth. "That most of our income is from Google has no bearing on me making this statement. Their implementation of our JavaScript is SO GOOD it's ... pleasing. Really."

... is a new Xbox 360 logo.

And I'm sure those $200 cheap Xboxes aren't all refurbished red ring casualties. Not all of them.

All this is scaremongering. Your confidential business data, bank account details, personal preferences in pornography, medical records and DNA sequence are strictly a matter between you and Google's marketing department, and no-one else. Remember, they're not evil!

Google's new browser will do everything including making you a cup of tea. This is all paid for by personally-directed text ads in your tea leaves, based on analysing a DNA sample taken when you sip the tea and sending your genetic code back to Google for future targeting.

Not evil!

Google's new browser will do everything including making you a cup of tea. This is all paid for by personally-directed text ads in your tea leaves, based on analysing a DNA sample taken when you sip the tea and sending your genetic code back to Google for future targeting.

Not evil.

Microsoft Japan is already actually paying people to take the machines, with little success. "We hope more people will be able to enjoy Xbox 360," said marketing marketer Takashi Sensui, "and we can stop enjoying quite so many of them. We also have this fine pile of HD-DVD drives ... Wait! Come back!"

Microsoft was unfazed. "Browsers donâ(TM)t need to be integrated with online apps," said marketing developer Ian Moulster. "Certainly not like the operating system ... Iâ(TM)ll just get back to you."

"We are so, so happy with Google Chrome," mumbled Mozilla CEO John Lilly through gritted teeth. "That most of our income is from Google has no bearing on me making this statement."

Google's new browser will give you their web and email services, photo processing, mapping, office applications that will run in said browser and will make you a cup of tea. This is all paid for by personally-directed text ads in your tea leaves, based on analysing a DNA sample taken when you sip the tea and sending your genetic code back to Google for future targeting.