Slashdot Mirror
Playing Games While Not Ruining Your Relationship?
Silicon Mike asks: "A nice sized group of us here at work recently picked up City of Heroes, and started playing together. While all of us were gamers to some extent, now we're all pretty addicted and want to play together online all the time. The problem some of us are running into is that our significant others aren't too happy with us gaming all the time. Other then the two obvious solutions (quit playing or dump the significant other) I'm wondering how other people have deal with it? I tried installing Zoo Tycoon on my other computer and saying 'Look honey, cute bears' but she just didn't bite."
Or obvious solution #3... Regular /.'s don't have to worry about this "problem", so why ask me^H^Hthem?
Hmmm.
Sorry if it sounds harsh, but the solution IS obvious: Cut back on the gaming. Perhaps way back. In a healthy relationship, you and your SO will give each other time to pursue your own interests, and you'll both sacrifice some personal time for the other. You can't be a compulsive gamer and have a healthy relationship.
If you have to be gaming all the time, as you say, it's time to grow up. And if you can't just do a little, then maybe you should give it up all together.
I've been married 15 years, and it's largely because my wife and I both make sacrifices. There's no getting around it. I hope you work things out for the best.
'Look honey, cute bears' but she just didn't bite."
You're lucky, I'd have bitten your head off after a comment like that.
tsk tsk... bears? should've used bunnies. Always gets them.
Unless you find a woman who can handle you playing games like that most of the time while ignoring her, you're out of luck. Most women (I've found) like to be paid attention to.
:D
Besides, women are more fun to score with.
They both cost money, but I'd have to go with getting rid of the games (I know, blasphemy).
When you're 60 years old and remembering the great times of your life, no ones going to say, "You know, I should have dumped that old broad and played more video games..."
| - | - |
If the two of you can't work out a comprimise (spoken or unspoken), then you really don't belong in a relationship with one another. Gaming isn't the only thing that's going to eat into your life in the next few years -- work, children, clubs, friends, PTAs, softball games, etc. will all potentially require some kind of balance if you're going to continue a workable relationship. So look at this as a test run.
Relationships are about cooperation -- they're about *not* just considering your own needs, but taking the other person into serious consideration. I used to play hours of Quake each day in college, but when we moved in together I realized I was ignoring her and I cut way the heck back. Now, I play where I have a chance; it's not a set schedule, just something we worked out (you can't live together without having time alone, IMO). I'll play some GTA while she reads or watches a chick flick on HBO. She understands it's something I enjoy, but I understand that I can't blow the unhealthy amount of time I used to on it. Welcome to adult life.
Anyhow, my girlfriend (er, fiance... gotta get used to that before the wedding) is more important to me than numbing my mind in front of the Xbox. If yours isn't, well, maybe it's time to cut her loose and pursue your real interests.
Weirdly, I actually found myself on the other side of this one back with Girlfriend 1.0; she started playing MUDs our freshman year of college and got absolutely addicted. Our three-year relationship went right into the crapper because she *obviously* preferred being in character in her little fantasy world to me (or reality in general for that matter -- she flunked out of school because she wasn't bothering with classes). I suppose that gave me a bit more empathy in terms of this situation...
Every year during my review, I just pray the words "slashdot.org" aren't mentioned.
I had the exact same problem, and for me the choice between my relationship and gaming was fairly simple: do both.
:)
I was involved in a competitive gaming league which held matches once a week. Even though our team played in a fairly low bracket in the league, we still took the time to practice before we played our weekly match. It got to the point where I was investing a significant percentage of my free time gaming and it began to wear on my significant other.
Eventually I said to my team "hey guys, I can practice once or twice a week for X hours and play in our match." That worked out fine and I had a lot of fun playing. But more importantly, I kept my relationship and gaming time well-balanced.
If you feel like spending significantly MORE time gaming than being with your significant other, then take a step back and decide whether one or the other is really worth it. I'd choose the gal, myself.
I've been fortunate enough to have a girlfriend who will accompany me to LAN parties and put up some respectable numbers on the fragboard.
What are they talking about? I've built plenty of meaningful relationships in the Sims!
Click for offensive t-sh
The secret is to find something they like playing. It won't neccessarily be obvious either.
My wife turned her nose up at the cute fluffy games that I thought she would like. At first blush I thought perhaps computer games were not going to be something she would like. Then she saw me playing Quake3 Arena one day and has become quite adept at it.
Most importantly is to talk about your game playing habits. Find out why it is a problem for them. This will prevent countless hours of arguing and pouting (on both parts!).
If the problem is "just" because your chores are suffering, then the solution may be as easy as finishing your chores quicker; not finding a game for her so you can say "You play too!".
Video meliora proboque deteriora sequor - Ovidius
Just play the game, man. Jeez, who the hell wears the pants in *your* relationship?
I think I speak for a collective 47.6% of all slashdotters when I say... WHA-PSSSH!!!
'When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.' -HST
We did get in a fight one night, though, when I called her Aeris . . . .
</bitterness>
Seriously, you just need to budget your time. A few games, then some time together doing whatever, then another game.
Or you can always just wait until she goes to bed to start playing.
In general, you don't want to make your girlfriend feel like she's 2nd place. For example, don't go straight to the computer after getting home. Sit down, chat with her, let the day kinda die down before going to a game. This alone will make a much bigger difference than simply cutting back the number of hours involved. Sadly I found this out the hard way once.
A little over a year ago, my wife and I had a baby. She takes up the majority of my time now, but my wife and I made an agreement that we'd each get one night a week to ourselves. I typically play EQ (yes still addicted after 4 and 1/2 years) on my night, and she plays Quake 3 on hers.
Even with other things: I hate doing laundry, and she hates to cook. So I cook and she does the laundry (mostly because I'm a much better cook though).
It is all about compromise, but as long as you can both come to an agreement that works it would be an issue.
-i
After having over a year of my life sucked into Ultima Online I can tell you from experience that you want to stay away from the MMORPG genre.
These games are specifically designed to maximise addiction and require as much of your time as is possible. They are designed to make it impossible to just sit down for 15 minutes and have a fun little game.
There is a whole world out there with actual real things that games only exist to simulate. Computer games are great while they are augmenting your real life. They are good for a little off time every now and then.
When you reach a point where your wife/girlfriend/whatever feels neglected because of a video game, you need to question your priorities. Perhaps the proper question isn't how to get her off your back, but rather, is this game worth the time I am spending?
One of the bonuses of City of Heroes is the lack of EQ or DAoC-style timesinks.
You don't have to level your character before leveling your clothes. You don't have to camp a spawn for seven hours. You don't have to do ML10.
The game is perfectly able to be played an hour or two at a time. In fact, it caters to casual gaming. If you're spending so much time playing City of Heroes that your girlfriend is getting pissed, there's probably a good reason.
A good traveller has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.
We made $2.15 per hour. Operators would wait for someone to call to have a disk changed, and we would mechanically change the disk and run the predecessors of fsck (icheck, ncheck, dcheck, etc.). The systems ran Version 6 Unix, and there were two VAXes which ran 4BSD.
There were several ways to entertain yourself while waiting for a call to do something. You could do your homework. You could try to learn more about Unix and C, which they didn't teach in the college because they had little practical application at the time in the eyes of the CS department. Or you could play rogue, an interactive computer game that ran with really primitive graphics on the VT100 terminal.
Most of my colleauges chose to play rogue. I read the Unix and C documentation, which was only one book and about a foot of papers at the time. I had some computer programming experience, including assembler, but no formal classes in programming, as I was a communication arts student. But once I had read all of the available literature on Unix and C, I was able to get a job as an assistant systems programmer and start moving up in the lab. That eventually got me to Pixar.
The folks who played rogue? They did OK, I guess. But I think they would have done much better if they'd taken the opportunity as seriously as I did.
Look around. There is probably something to do that would be much more important, and eventually more fun, than the game-playing. You only get one life. Start living it.
Bruce
Bruce Perens.
*bedeebedeebedeebedeebeep*
He: (boom, zzzot, blam) HELLO?
She: Hi, hon-hey, what's that in the background?
He: (boom, *boooOoom*) (whispering) dudes, turn it down or put on some pr0n or something, quick! -- NOTHING, HOney!
She: Don't you lie to me...
He: (ooooh, baby, come back to bed nooowww...) Look, I know I'm on a business trip, this sorta thing happens.
She: Don't you LIE to me, you worthless bastard!
He: (slurp, groan) Sometimes these things happen, I'll make it up to you, honest!
She: BULLSHIT! You're not ON a business trip! You're not even in a HOTEL ROOM with some CHEAP FLOOZIE!
He: Bu-but, I can exp-
She: You're at one of those FUCKING LAN PARTIES AGAIN, AREN'T YOU?*click*
Depends on what "cut back" means. If cut back means going from playing many hours a night, every night, to playing a few hours a week, I agree. However if cutting back means going from playing a few hours a week to nothing, then I think it's time to have a talk with the SO and maybe break up.
Why? Well, as you said, relationships are give and take. Pat of that is both of you need time to do things that YOU enjoy, even if the other does not. Those should, of course, be limited, but people need time for their own fun even in a commited relationship. If your SO can't handle that, you probably are in an unhealthy relationship.
I know far too many people, mean and women, where their life is all about what the other person wants. If the SO doesn't like it, it has to go entirely. If the SO want to do it, then they do. Not a healthy way to be.
So if a woman wants you to cut back your gaming to not be the dominant activity in your life, that's a good thing. If she wants you to cut it out entirely, that's not and you need to talk about it.
Now City of Heroes. I didn't like it for the first few days(because from what I saw of the gameplay, it sucked...but that was because it was just for the first few levels, so the combat seemed slow because of lame recharge times)...so it looked like he was choosing a crappy game over me.
But now I'm into it. And I'm lucky that my boyfriend encourages the inner gamer geek in me. He helps me and suggests strategies for when I'm/we're playing Soul Caliber 2, Diablo 2, City of Heroes, etc. etc. I say I'm lucky because he could just as easily be protective of his Xbox or computer(mine's old and can't handle much more than Alice). I also got over my aversion to City of Heroes because we had a talk about it. I made a big assumption that was wrong: he was choosing the game over me. But the reality, he said, was that he was choosing the game over doing nothing. I was afraid to speak up and ask to do things with him because I assumed I would annoy him and interrupt his levelling. Turns out that isn't the case; it was just a vicious cycle of him playing, me assuming he doesn't wanna be with me, me not saying we should do something, him assuming I don't wanna do anything, so he played the game. Luckily it was only a few days before that was straightened out. :)
Imagine a beowulf cluster of significant others.
Or you can try to bring them over to the dark side...
I must confess... I've tried it with my wife, but thus far have had no luck. Back in the day she was a relentless MUD'er, but now doesn't seem to have any interest in computer games whatsoever (I feel like Luke trying to drag Vader back to the Light side of the force... "there is good in him... I have felt it").
Still, sacrifices are what makes a relationship work. She's intelligent, beautiful, funny, a good cook, a great mom, and makes more money than I do. Her only flaw seems to be that she married far beneath her station... a flaw for which I am eternally thankful.
I'd give up the games for her... but she'd never force me to do that... give-and-take is a beautiful thing.
I agree with the parent poster... you don't end a relationship for a lousy video game... I don't care how 1337 it is.
Even if a man chops off your hand with a sword, you still have two nice, sharp bones to stick in his eyes.
it's simple. your woman, and even your life, can be viewed as a game. instead of working hard to score in a game, work hard to score with your woman... instead of exploring levels of some fake world, figure out what places you can take your woman to in the real world that get her in the mood. figure out how to get her to do x and y things that she would never think of doing.
making your woman happy and the resultant behaviors she will perform for you are infinitely more rewarding than any intangible, fictional reward a game might offer
trust me, evolution has made women the most challenging and addictive game ever, there's just a steep learning curve.
You have a Kid old enough to play them with you! Then she won't even give you a second glance, she'll be so happy to have "a father who wants to spend time with his kid", ie, get some sleep herself!
SJW: a person who perceives an injustice, and while correcting it, commits a greater injustice.
Not so long ago, I went to a LAN Party and watched an acquaintance of mine sit through the entire thing playing "There" while the rest of enjoyed "real" games. Honestly, I couldn't believe he even bothered coming to the LAN in the first place.
After a while, he went on about how cool it was and showed us all his "flirting" with his "online wife". Knowing that he was married with a newborn child, I asked him, "What does your REAL wife think about all this?" He replied, "She does it TOO!".
I gulped and listened to him ramble on about the fact that his REAL wife was even planning to go meet her ONLINE HUSBAND. Obviously the guy had serious marital problems burgeoning, but he was alas unaware. I'm sure that by now he's either divorced or practicing online swinging (shudders)
Geeks all have this problem with balancing computer time vs. their relationships. It's hard, but that's why I end up staying awake into the wee hours of the night. Also, another rule: Play games you know you can put down. This is why LAN parties are good ... you go, play all night, and then it's out of your system (hopefully). Elsewise, join "Gamer's Anonymous" and realize that you're no different than a Crack Smoker.
I wrote an article in Issue 168 of ZZZ Online about some of this that may be of interest.
Video games don't whine (well, good ones). Video games don't call you at work and DEMAND you spend more time with them. Video games don't pull stupid dramatic stunts that even high schoolers would laugh at to get you to pay attention to them. Video games demand time and money, sure, but they're not guilting you with WE NEVER GO OUT!!! and WE'RE GOING TO VISIT MY PSYCHOTIC MOTHER!!!. Video games do not withhold sex over something as stupid as showing up five minutes late.
In short, video games are better than a bad relationship by orders of magnitude. I'd rather play Daikatana than spend ten minutes with my ex. Yeah, relationships are a give and take thing, but when you're doing all the giving and SheBitch, Queen of the Universe is doing all of the taking, well.... fuck that noise. GTA calls.
A good relationship, on the other hand, is a completely different story. Bad relationships drive me to video games. Good ones leave me with little inclination to pick up the control pad.
This is actually a current problem of my current SO (and avid slashdotter) with Ragnarok Online. Don't get me wrong, I am such a gaming chick. I've been known to spend long periods of time glued to my laptop til the wee hours of the morning. However, he plays during the day while I'm at work, then wants to play all night as well. It's a &*^%@&^%& battle to tear him away from the computer to do something other than slay anime monsters. It won't do anything to seriously jeopardize our relationship, but damn, it's annoying. I work for sometimes 10 hours days staring at a computer.. do I really want to drive an hour home, then stare at a computer RIGHT away til 5am? Not likely. And a previous poster then said making your girlfriend feel like 2nd place is bad.. they were dead-on. Compromise with her. Watch a girlie chick flick with her in exchange for some game time, or stay with her til she falls asleep, play for a bit, then return and sleep yourself. If she really knows you and your geeky gaming addicition, she can't get TOO mad.
Huh? Has anyone actually tried this? I mean, unlike Leisure Suit Larry, the game you describe may have better graphics, but the gameplay itself is as boring as the Sims, and the speed-up key can only be used once a day, and in an astonishing display of programmer ignorance, the speed-up key only works at night when you're trying to game! At least the Sims design team got that part right -- you want to fast-forward during the day when you're at work and nobody's home!
> instead of exploring levels of some fake world, figure out what places you can take your woman to in the real world that get her in the mood. figure out how to get her to do x and y things that she would never think of doing.
And the list of defects goes on. Like, there's no fucking save/restore feature either! I mean, you spend six weeks of game time setting up a surprise menage-a-trois with you, your girlfriend and just *one* lousy goat, and if the persuade roll fails, all you can do is pull out the old .45 and restart.
No way, man, "RL" is teh suck. I wouldn't even warez it.
You admit you're addicted, that you want to play this game all the time, but the girlfriend is the problem?! Where's Dr. Phil?
Slashdot: Failed Car Analogies. Amateur Lawyering. Anecdote Battles.
Of course, I'm not blowing 20 hours a week on video games, I'm spending it in the myriad stages of graphic novel production. Time for it has to come from somewhere- out went video games, out went movies. I do those when I'm too burned out from writing, pencilling, inking, coloring to do anything else.
Oh yeah, and there's the day job. Combine that with the graphic novel and I have about six hours of free time a week. Broke up with the girl I was dating the week I started the project in earnest. I told her I had finally started work on the thing- which I have been planning since 1994- and her response wasn't "sweet!" or "nice!" or "it's good that you're starting to realize your dreams!", it was "I'M NOT TAKING A BACK SEAT TO SOME STUPID WEBCOMIC!"
And so, quite suddenly, she wasn't.
When I'm 40, my memories of my mid twenties will be a haze of production striving to pull together a story that has been taking shape in my head for ten years. I will have ACCOMPLISHED something, rather than suffering the tyranny of an ice queen who wanted my creative energies for herself.
Fortunately, the woman I'm half-dating now understands exactly where I'm coming from (she's a writer)- and has caught more than a few typos.
If you have to sacrifice something you love, then it's pretty obvious that there's a more compatible girl out there.
I personally spend a lot of time playing Magic: The Gathering Online and at the same time, have a SO as well.
I find that in the long run, the SO is much more important to me than any game will ever be, no matter how powerful/how much money/how much time I spend playing it.
A game should be just that, a game.
I think when you find a game or virtual activity getting in the way of real life friendships (let alone relationships), you probably have an addiction problem.
Seriously, you need a better girlfriend.
Of course there needs to be a balance between time you spend with your friends doing fun stuff and time spent with your SO doing fun stuff, but it shouldn't take an enormous amount of effort to balance. It should come naturally, and when possible, the two worlds should overlap.
If gaming is important to you, than you need to find a girlfriend who enjoys gaming, too, and will join you. This is important, because later on, when you're married, this will cause problems. She could expect you to "grow up" and stop doing "childish" things.
An IT manager showed some obvious interest in me. I decided to pursue this for at least a friendship, because I can always use another gaming friend and movie buff to hang with. I later find out he thinks I'm perfect and never imagined a girl like me could exist. I'm a geeky hot chick who shares all his interests. He makes it obvious he wants more from me.
I THEN find out the guy is married! Turns out he's so smitten he was actually considering having an affair. Of course I put a stop to that dream.
My whole point is, the guy had no concept that a woman like me existed, so instead he settled for a nice woman who put up with him and lets him get laid every once and awhile. Obviously, he isn't happy with this, and his mind is wondering to other, seemingly better prospects.
If the girl you are with cannot handle your hobbies, and refuses to join you with your hobbies, than you are with the wrong woman for you. There is someone better out there.
(You may need to wait 10+ years before you can find her, but she's out there)
You are making it sound like all gamer girls play is Sims. Some of us play the same games boys do.
~ lilibat gamer geek goth girl
Why not invite her to play along? My wife didn't even want me to buy Halo (gee, honey, why the hell did we buy an Xbox if you don't want Halo?) but we started playing in co-op mode and now it's her guilty pleasure. She's even started playing alone at difficutly level 3 (geeze, I've played enough that you'd think I could remember what the levels are called). The only problem is you can't save in co-op mode; you have to finish each level or you lose all progress. So sometimes we stay up way too late on weekends.
If all this should have a reason, we would be the last to know.
Frankly, I'm the only one in the house who ever finishes our games. My husband buys them, for the most part, but I'm the one who actually plays them all the way through. Personally, I can't stand The Sims - I'm up for just about anything else though. We met in-game, and we've played together consistently over the years - started in EQ, went to DAoC, now City of Heroes... and all the off-line games in-between. He can beat me on some of the fighting games (I still rule DOA though), and I kick his ass in strategy. I think, counting back, that I've actually been playing games longer than he has. My whole family played together (ok, minus my Mom) and so I think we got an early start on being able to balance games with life.
:)
Admittedly, it's not like you can expect whoever you fall for to have the same interests... so for the standard reality-check - make sure your girl's getting enough time, and that your gaming isn't taking away from your relationship... then Hero away. A couple other things to remember:
1) The game will be there when you go back. If life's calling, hang up on the game... so maybe you lose some exp, or you annoy your group - there are far worse things to lose than that.
2) Try to make sure that you're not losing time - telling someone you'll be home (or will meet them, pick them up, etc.) "in an hour" and coming home three hours later is being an ass no matter what you were doing. I used to be terrible about that.
3) Take care of your responsibilities out-of-game. The game is more likely to be the focus of anger for your partner if you're not doing your share of housework, food prep, dog feeding, all that stuff. (It also means that your gaming time is much less likely to be interrupted with timed demands to do chores.)
Good luck, and it is possible.
~ Leilah
actually i've found that you can read/program/game while your sigfig is on the fone with you, and STILL manage to do both well... just keep going uh-huh.. and keep an ear out for certain key words ("pregnant" is a major one) and just let it buzz past you. practice and you'll actually manage to get to the point where you can game and carry on a "significant" (at least to her it will be) convo with her at the same time.
Suchetha
learn from yesterday, plan for tomorrow, party tonight
or one out of three ain't bad