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The Glorious Return of the Twinkie
iggymanz writes "The geek food staple the Twinkie is coming back. The sturdy main component of the foundation to the geek four food groups of sugar, fat, caffeine and bacon — with rumored shelf life on the order of the time span to cool a white dwarf to room temperature — the Twinkie, along with Ding-Dongs, Ho-Ho's and Cupcakes, will be returning 15 July 2013 to the shelves under new management of Apollo Global Management and C. Dean Metropoulous & Co which paid over 400 mega dollars (U.S.) for the brands."
Are they like regular dollars with superpowers?
"Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot."
"Popular products such as Ho Hos, Ding Dongs and Cupcakes will return to shelves next month under the new ownership of private equity firms Apollo Global Management and C. Dean Metropoulous & Co., which picked up several Hostess names this spring for $410 million." Why mangle the quote? You took the rest of it word for word.
Nobody should even be eating this crap in the first place.
with rumored shelf life on the order of the time span to cool a white dwarf to room temperature
From the AP:
During bankruptcy proceedings, Hostess had said that its overall sales had been declining, although the company didn't give a breakout on the performance of individual brands. But Seban is confident Twinkies will have staying power beyond its re-launch.
As for the literal shelf-life, Seban is quick to refute the snack cake's fabled indestructibility.
"Forty-five days - that's it," he said. "They don't last forever."
what the hell is a mega dollar?
Glorifying the return of this unhealthy snack like the second coming is just sad, sad, sad. I stay away from all processed and sugary foods so I can be healthy, look good, and score with chicks.
Keep eating it up fatties, you'll only make me look better in comparison.
These never really left, as other companies offer basically the same items.
But sure, I guess this is news-worthy...
Geek Food Staple - Fuck that shit.
If you're a professional, fucking look and act like it.
What the hell goes through the brains of people who write like this? Re-runs of The Big Bang Theory? This is godawful.
The geek food staple the Twinkie is coming back.
Ok, show of hands. Who among you has actually consumed a twinkie after grade school? Last one I had was during the Reagan administration. Obviously they sell but I cannot recall the last time I saw anyone actually eat one. It's like the National Enquirer of foods. They apparently sell lots but you never actually see anyone buying them.
I don't really know any geeks who eat twinkies either. Is this a thing in some part of the country? I know some geeks who are overly fond of sugary treats (I'm one) but twinkies never seem to be in the shopping cart.
Ever since hearing that after a nuclear war the only two things left are cockroach and twinkies, I've been keeping 2 twinkies in my basement since the 80's. And they're still 100% good. So I guess it's pretty much true.
The geek food staple the Twinkie
Sorry, not all geeks are over-sugared fat American slobs. Some of us eat real food.
These foods are naughty.
The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity.
The USA public may have been sad at the thought of a Twinkies shortage, but the Secret Shadow Government engineered this re-booting of production for one reason. They know we need massive stores of Twinkies to sustain our brave zombie-killers in the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse.
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Moo.. Fetch the twinkies. Moo
The Twinkie will ride, cool and triumphant through our streets as we throw flowers at its feet but the nutritionist in chains beside him whispers "This too shall pass. Soon they will cast you out and return to the trendy diets and nutritional supplements that brought you low before."
...but I still won't eat them. I prefer Little Debbie Swiss Rolls. ...and RC Cola - Mmmmmm nom nom
Disappointing use of ambiguous significant figures. And why use the dollar sign if you're going to write "dollars" anyway?
It's probably better to write either "410 megadollars (US)." Or use "0.4 gigadollars (US)" if you don't consider M$US10 to be significant.
Are we talking Mebidollars? Just want to be sure I'm doing the math right! :)
I've been keeping 2 twinkies in my basement since the 80's. And they're still 100% good.
Unless you actually eat them how would you know?
Everybody knows that the four food groups are salt, sugar, cholesterol, and preservatives.
The meter's length is set based on the average distance from the equator to the north pole. That's kind of incredibly arbitrary and highly subject to variation were it not for scientific fiat.
One USD has always equaled one USD and will always equal one USD no different than one gram's mass is always one gram. The weight of the gram however, like the exchange rate of the USD, is highly variable.
It seems wrong that a brand discontinued by its owner should sell for $400 million. Perhaps I just don't understand the consumer business. Maybe that's why I'm a hardware designer...
Could you not just write "Bazinga! 42! All Your Base!! xD!" instead?
If anything, the Twinkie is the food staple to those who are too nostalgic or stupid to know to buy ANYTHING ELSE.
The sturdy main component of the foundation to the geek four food groups of sugar, fat, caffeine and bacon
Ugh. I feel ashamed this is in the summary.
No-one eats them. Why do you think the company went bankrupt?
They sold 36 million of them in 2011. That's a lot of twinkies if "no-one" is eating them. I just can't figure out who.
Why do you think the company went bankrupt?
They went bankrupt because their (union) labor costs, pension costs and debt load. Incompetent management probably played a role somewhere in there too. They had significant revenue but their costs were out of line with the amount of revenue.
They must be happy now to have their Twinkies back! ;)
Ant(Dude) @ Quality Foraged Links (AQFL.net) & The Ant Farm (antfarm.ma.cx / antfarm.home.dhs.org).
We're all fat slobs! hahaha... Bacon! haha.. bacon!! ... I love bacon!!! hahaha
The reason that Hostess went under is that management refused to play nice with their unionized workforce, and they decided that they'd rather have no company than a union shop. Now that the union is busted, they've restarted production with a non-unionized workforce, "generously" allowing those workers to return to their old jobs at about 1/3 what they were paid before.
And if you're wondering which side to blame: Before the strike that ended Hostess, there were a couple rounds of the union taking pay and benefit cuts followed by management giving themselves bonuses for convincing the union to accept the cuts. That's why the union didn't buy the "but if you don't take the cuts, the company will go under" argument.
I am officially gone from
This is another case of corporate S.O.P: declare bankruptcy for one reason; to void any and all obligations to current - and especially - retired employees.
So as you gorge on your new Twinkiees, try to ignore that no doubt they were made by newly or re-hired workers from the now-permanent underclass: longer hours, lower wages, little or no benefits, and laughable health insurance.
Not that much of this will matter to the increasingly Randian crowd on Slashdot.
I haven't eaten a Twinkie since they changed the filling recipe to not use sugar. Tastes like crap now...
Umm, why is Slashdot warning all RSS users that Google Reader is closing soon? If I were still using Google Reader it would be telling me that, I would not need /. to tell me.
Troll is not a replacement for I disagree.
A) Twinkies have a normal shelf life, please stop with that myth.
B) I thought the for food groups were cokes, chips, cakes and pies.
Alternatively Can, bags, boxes and wrappers.
The Kruger Dunning explains most post on
You are also falling victim to self selected sample theory. You dont do it so no one else must do it.
Wasn't talking about me though I freely admit I don't eat them. I quite seriously can not recall having seen a box of twinkies in anyone's shopping cart in the last 20 years and I've been in the grocery store at least once every week or two during most of that period. I also have not seen twinkies in anyone's home or seeing anyone actually consume one in person during the same time period. Now obviously someone must be buying this things since they sold over 30 million of them a year as recently as 2011. But I'll be darned if I ever see anyone buying or eating them.
Also you *can* loose weight eating these things.
You can lose weight eating almost anything as long as you are careful with the portions. Doesn't mean it is a healthy way to do it but if you only eat 600 calories a day it doesn't much matter what the source of the calories is from a weight loss point of view.
The reason they are known to have a long shelf life is because they use banana cream instead of dairy cream, giving them a comparatively longer shelf life.
They have used vanilla cream instead of banana cream since around WWII when there was a banana shortage.
Our long, national nightmare is over.
Your "fair share" is NOT in my wallet.
Twinkies (and cupcakes and hohos) first appeared at a couple locations here in the SF Bay Area a couple months ago. At first I thought it was a distributor that hoarded a few crates and was disgusted. (I think others thought the same thing cause the shelf didn't get touched for a few days).
But I asked and found out they were already back in production and being sold. The only change I saw was the lack of the paper base inside the packaging. Its now just a Twinkie and a wrapper.
Ahhh the Silicon Valley... I still can't get high speed internet at my house, but I can buy Twinkies...
Turn in your card. No geek eats that crap. They are the butt of jokes about surviving a nuclear winter and out lasting the cockroaches, not something we actually eat. These things are false of course, Twinkies dont' last all that long at all on the shelf. Its just fun to make fun of them since they are made out of some things one would not normally consider being edible in its natural form.
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The union took cuts twice, and each time management gave themselves huge bonuses (million +), . SO after that, why would the union cut yet again?
The union played a game of chicken with management and lost. I think it is clear the management was incompetent (and greedy) but apparently so was the union. The company had already been through bankruptcy once before. The union leadership BADLY misread the strength of their position and it cost a lot of people their jobs.
I think the negotiation went something like this.
Mgt: We need wage concessions, etc.
Union: We're going on strike
Mgt: We're going to liquidate the company if you do that
Union: You're a bunch of liars and poopyheads
Mgt: We warned you
Mgt takes company into Chapter 7
Union: Oh shit, they weren't kidding.
Mgt: Let's pay our selves some handsome bonuses before this thing completely goes under [/evil cackle]
Welcome back, Type II Diabetes. We have missed you.
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Because true geeks can't afford Twinkies.
Harrison's Postulate - "For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism"
No, they went bankrupt because their sales were cratering.
A company only goes bankrupt from falling sales if costs do not fall in proportion. Hostess had heavy debt loads, high labor costs (both management and union), and apparently heavy pension obligations as well. Their costs (of which union labor was a big component) did not fall fast enough to keep up.
Their 2011 sales were 28% lower than what they did in 2004.
So that means they needed to cut costs by 28%. A portion of that is going to come from labor when you are talking percentages that big. The fact that they had made prior concessions is irrelevant so long as sales continued to fall.
The funny part is years before the bankruptcy the unions had already agreed to allow thousands of jobs to be cut and millions in benefits as well.
I fully concur that the management did a horrible job and apparently wasn't negotiating in good faith. However the union screwed up bad. They went on strike thinking and the response was to liquidate the company. That means the unions BADLY misread the strength of their negotiating position. If they go on strike and the company liquidates, the union cannot escape blame. The main cause of the bankruptcy very probably was not the unions but pretending they didn't play any role is frankly naive. Unions never make labor costs lower. The unions basically cut their own throat here.
I mean, the four food groups are sugar, carbs, chocolate and preservatives (which makes a Boston Creme donut the perfect food...).
mark
We want the Chocodile back!
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I can't explain it, but I sometimes get a craving for one of those big pink marshmallow things. I sure hope they come back too. I haven't seen them in the stores in years.
Around 10 years old or so, you realize they are actually bite-sized.
yummmm....
what's this four groups nonsense, there are only two! meat and beer
It the geek population in need of reduction? Again?
These things are so horribly unhealthy, it is impressive.
Most ACs are not even worth the keystrokes to insult them. Be generically insulted by this and ignored otherwise.
Just not under the same brand names - Cloud Cakes look and taste just like Twinkies, and Cocoa Cremes look and taste just like Ding Dongs.
Now that the possibility has been suggested, this needs to be a thing.
This Space Intentionally Left Blank
Same great product! Without that heavy union after-taste.
It's finally official: Twinkies are coming back - Tallahassee rejoices upon hearing the news!
The Christian Right is Neither (Christian nor right). See: Matthew 23, Matthew 25, Ezekiel 16:48-50
Tallahassee: "Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet. Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?"
-=- Many seek good nights and lose good days.
Never knew twinkies were a geek thing.
I do like how the geek 4 food groups are in reality, the college kid's 4 food groups. Maybe everyone who goes to college is a geek.
I've been buying Little Debbie's Cloud Cakes, which look and taste the same to me.
But "Twinkie" just rolls off the tongue better, know what I mean?
If it was the zombie apocalypse, the first thing I would look for, after a shotgun, is a blessed Twinkie.
-Talahasee
Have gnu, will travel.
I'm trying real hard to not to imagine the cows these bananaudders are from!
the preceding comment is my own and in no way reflects the opinion of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
dropped 3 years, as actuarial estimates predicted a spike in obesity and sugar-induced murders.
is that corporate whores like you think that it's OK to fuck over thousands as long as the benefits only go to a few of your masters.
Try the Mrs. Freshley's Dreamies. You'll never go back to Twinkies after that. The cake is a bit denser and has a stronger vanilla flavor. The filling is also a bit thicker and has a frosting taste. Hostess can kiss the fattest part of my... Dreamie!
Little Debbie is a cheap and easy slut. Used to be a quarter a pack up until recently.
To be fair one or two varieties are OK, but for most of them, the "icing" is waxy and greasy.
the preceding comment is my own and in no way reflects the opinion of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
I've never had a Twinkie, and I'm fairly certain I qualify as a geek. I just wish they'd bring back Spaulding Kruller donuts.
-USR1
After all of those bastard union workers forced their employers into going bankrupt, and claiming that the assets would be bought and that they would keep their jobs, the fact is that those assholes lost their jobs and the new company is UNION FREE!! God Blessed America!
A store-brand loaf of bread is 1000 calories to the dollar. Suddenly your 300 calories per dollar doesn't sound like a very wise investment. (Yeah, yeah: bread is missing vitamins, complete proteins, and you still have to find energy to cook it, etc. But your PBR is also missing those nutrients too, and you still need energy to cool it.)
If you have access to a stove, you can make your own bread a lot cheaper: A 48oz bottle of store-brand vegetable oil is 4100 calories per dollar, and a 25-lb sack of store-brand flour is 4500 calories per dollar. (A 5 lb sack of sugar is 2900 calories per dollar, but you'll barely use any sugar. You'll also need salt and yeast; salt will cost $0.001 per loaf of bread, and yeast will cost you less than $0.03 per loaf of bread.)
If you want complete proteins, how about this: An 8lb sack of pinto beans is only 11 calories per dollar, but a 20lb sack of white rice is 3,200 calories per dollar. Following the serving size guidelines on the packages (35g beans and 45g rice), you get a mixture that's 1900 calories per dollar and provides you with all the essential amino acids.
Or you could make your own bread/tortillas and serve with beans and rice for something in the 3000+ calorie per dollar; so if you're ever broke, you now know how to survive on a $15/mo food budget (assuming you still have access to a stove).
Anyone who has had a Tastykake knows better that to eat Twinkies.
I've got MOD points but I can't let this slide. The management was very, very competent. It's just they were after something other than a successful company. To wit: The Pension Fund. The hard part about stealing a pension fund is doing it legally. It requires enormous skill, business and legal knowledge to do it.
What Hostess' management did wasn't just mismanagement, it was a complete lack of management. The bought the company, paid themselves just well enough to stay within the bounds of legality, and then ignored the company entirely. They put no effort into expanding, into controlling and managing the supply chain, or into anything else. Then they sat back, waiting for the company to die and used the pension to pay back the creditors they'd racked up debt with.
The last part that makes it all nice and legal is when a judge ruled that the creditors get paid before employees do. If you paid your own cash money into your pension while working at Hostess you literally got robbed. As an added bonus they killed a major Union without any bad press.
But nobody talks about that. All they talk about is playing an imaginary game of chicken. FYI: You can't win a game that the other side isn't really playing.
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to Unions in South America. Mostly because it wasn't wasn't that long ago...
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I've heard that defectum scelerisque (hint: translate from Latin) is fatal, but it has been nearly eradicated in most first world countries because it can be easily prevented with daily consumption of chocolate.
Here in Italy, normal coffee prices range between an espresso for 0.80€ at very cheap bars and/or in cheap cities to 1.20€, at classy (or greedy) expensive bars; Starbucks price ranges are an exotic unreality, like Starbucks stores themselves (the closest one I've been to is in Vienna).
Coffee quality is rather constant for each bar, but not correlated with price; competence of personnel, rent costs and number of customers are particularly independent variables.
You can all use that line...
Apollo Global Management? Metropoulous?
I suspect olive oil will be substituted for fat!
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BT
I have the 'beetus. So I never really ate many of them in my lifetime.
However, it is great that they are coming back because they were one of my favorite "cheat" foods. I could make them last 4 or more days by cutting them in half and freezing the parts. Whenever I wanted a cheat and my blood glucose allowed it, I'd warm of a half and enjoy.
why in the world call it a mega dollar? no one says that. it's a million.
why is this article seem to celebrate the return of the twinkie?
not sure what makes them a "geek food". twinkles arguably taste gross and are definitely terrible for you. i was glad they were discontinued.
seriously, who eats twinkies except for fatass depressed losers?