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Ask Slashdot: How Would You Deal With A 'Gaslighting' Colleague?
An anonymous reader writes:
What's the best unofficial way to deal with a gaslighting colleague? For those not familiar, I mean "bullies unscheduling things you've scheduled, misplacing files and other items that you are working on and co-workers micro-managing you and being particularly critical of what you do and keeping it under their surveillance. They are watching you too much, implying or blatantly saying that you are doing things wrong when, in fact, you are not...a competitive maneuver, a way of making you look bad so that they look good." I'd add poring over every source-code commit, and then criticizing it even if the criticism is contradictory to what he previously said.
The submission adds that "Raising things through the official channels is out of the question, as is confronting the colleague in question directly as he is considered something of a superstar engineer who has been in the company for decades and has much more influence than any ordinary engineer." So leave your best suggestions in the comments. How would you deal with a gaslighting colleague?
The submission adds that "Raising things through the official channels is out of the question, as is confronting the colleague in question directly as he is considered something of a superstar engineer who has been in the company for decades and has much more influence than any ordinary engineer." So leave your best suggestions in the comments. How would you deal with a gaslighting colleague?
If they've been there for decades then it's considered acceptable behavior and nothing will change. Time to move on.
The submission adds that "Raising things through the official channels is out of the question, as is confronting the colleague in question directly
If you're not willing to use official channels and you're not willing to confront the person directly then you need to leave. That's it.
...is to be a bigger bully. Or call on someone to be a bully for you. So figure it out, beat them back down, or cry out for someone to do it.
Tell them to Take this Job and Shove it. Fuck you Hitler, I'm outta here. Vote for a basic income so everyone has an exit strategy from capitalism and toxic workplaces. Tune in, turn on, drop out.
If the person truly feels under threat it's because they are not as good as everyone else thinks.
Write every. single. thing. down.
you say "colleague" then say "bullies". if it's only one, please state so. if more, how many more?
in these situations is murder them. I'll sneak into their house at night, while they are sleeping, and first I cut out their tongue. Then I stab them in the eyes, then I take two icepicks, and I jam them in their ears. With all of that complete, the next step involves me raping them in the mouth, butt, and/or vagina (if they have one). I leave them lying on the floor, and I steal all their valuables.
I haven't been caught yet.
I can understand somebody micromanaging too much, but actually misplacing files on purpose, blaming you for things that you didn't do or canceling meetings if they are not your direct boss? That is WAY out of line.
Honestly, this kind of behaviour should be a major red flag to any other employee and especially to management. Consider whether you honestly want to work in an environment where this kind of shit happens. If the conclusion is "hell no", then document a few incidents, report them to management (keep records) and quit over it if no action is taken. I'd recommend this route.
If you do decide to stay: gather as much proof as you can, document every single incident because people will not want to believe that their coworker would do this. You will need to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
beat their ass after work in the parking lot
... How do I deal with this outside the normal and accepted channels modern humans are expected to go through?
Presuming you don't wish to do violence to his person or property... are you okay with marching into his office and beating the shit out of yourself?
Nothing posted to
Two cups of wine, with a dash (or two) of Iocane powder.
-- This sig is only a test. If this were a real sig it would say something witty. --
Raise hell with him/her and with management about him/her. Be ANGRY. Say you'll walk.
And then, if you have to, do it.
I speak from experience in my past. You do NOT want to go down the road of trying to "make it better in a non-confrontational way." Do you know what that makes you? A weakling. A loser. Someone who has to tiptoe around. Someone who spends too much time thinking strategically about how to get from mundane point A to mundane point B without experiencing problems.
Your productivity will fall. Your self-esteem will collapse. And you will find that you also enable the behavior, and it gets worse, and then worse again.
You're already a victim, and you're letting yourself stay one. Don't make yourself a target, too.
I know the whole schtick about "it's not that easy," and finances and economic realities and justice and whatever else. Used to be there, too.
The fact is, you will regret it in the end. All of the consequences you are hoping to avoid will happen, because you will lose the respect of your co-workers, your bos(ses), and you will lose your own productivity. Long term, you have one choice: confront or not. And not confronting is a SURE loss (again, long term). If you don't confront, WILL be out of a job eventually, you WILL find that you have been made worse for it with respect to your ability to do the next job.
If you confront and raise hell, you have a CHANCE of coming out of things intact. A chance may seem like a risk you don't want to take. But the other way, losing is a certainty.
So accept the hard truth that someone has decided to fuck you over, accept the hard truth that unless you metaphorically punch them in the face they WILL continue to do it and will intensify the behavior, and then grow a backbone and take your best shot back. Even if you lose that way, at least you took a shot. You didn't sit there like a weenie (which I did for far too long) and take it, then whine like a little girl, lose your self respect, and then find out that that's what everyone thinks of you and that's why you got let go despite taking shit like a hero. You're nobody's hero if you take shit. Management does not want employees that take shit.
STOP . AMERICA . NOW
Unless you're willing to break a few laws and are not generally against the idea of an asshole getting physically harmed.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
Maybe you're the bad roommate. Be a better employee perhaps.
The problem with "gaslighting", as I wrote here, is that it tends to be used in two contexts, one legitimate (people lying about factual events) and one illegitimate (people disagreeing on interpretations of those events). Based on what I'm reading here, it looks like some of both: the unscheduling in particular seems like a red flag, but a lot of the other stuff is contextual and missing details. Furthermore, the fact that the author complains about coworkers' criticisms — and in particular, the criticism of someone they label as a "superstar" within the company, i.e. a person who has developed a sterling reputation — leads me to question the submitter's competence. So, I would advise,
Dog is my co-pilot.
A/C's out-of-the-box reply above, Easy - Play to there Ego [sic] , may work but assuming it doesn't, you have few options.
The obvious ones include:
* Quit quietly
* Document the hell out of everything then quit, and provide the reasons in a professionally-written resignation letter to not only this person's boss, but his boss's boss. Provide copies of the documentation.
* Assuming you want to keep your job or at least come away vindicated, hire an employment lawyer and follow his advice. Warning: Only do this if you are prepared for a years-long, unpleasant, expensive battle.
* Seek other opportunities within the organization.
I'm taking it on faith that talking to this person or to management really won't work. I'm also assuming that there is no intermediary that the fellow employee respects who can intervene on your behalf. If I'm wrong, if there is such a person, consider asking him to help.
Knowledge is how to play a game, intelligence is how to win, wisdom is knowing what game to play.
and if not, leave. The check is to first talk to your manager and if that fails to take it if with HR. If that still fails, hand in your notice as soon as you economically can. That may mean staying on a few more months, or may mean leaving immediately. It is neither your expertise nor your responsibility to solve that kind of problem. It is your responsibility to escalate it though, as it harms the organization.
Do not get your hopes up too much for the organization to be able to resolve this, unless you are essential and the piece-of-shit doing this is not, it is pretty likely that they will not resolve the issue and you will have to leave.
Most ACs are not even worth the keystrokes to insult them. Be generically insulted by this and ignored otherwise.
It is amazing how powerful a dispassionate set of written text documenting every detail over a series of months can be.
Then you take the document to your to superiors and explain that because of this harassment you feel the work place is hostile and resign.
Plant ISIS literature on his PC and then call the feds.
Only the State obtains its revenue by coercion. - Murray Rothbard
We'd have department meetings and no matter what anyone else came up with, his idea was somehow always better. After a while we all just clammed up in the meetings, let him have his say, then we had our own, informal dept meetings without him over lunch. We eventually decided that the best way to get rid of him was to make him look good so he'd get promoted away. It took about 6 months but we made it happen. His boss saw what was going on and asked me about it and I told him the whole thing. My immediate boss ended up getting "promoted" to a position as an "individual contributor".
When they go low, you go high...
Or cameras...then post it on Facebooge
I come here for the love
Quit. If you cite bullying harassment that management was unwilling to deal with as a reason for quitting when applying for EI, then the company will be investigated, and will probably at least ensure that the asshole who put you in this position doesn't do the same to anyone else. You may even be able to sue them for constructive dismissal.
File under 'M' for 'Manic ranting'
If it's that fucking bad, just leave. Don't threaten to leave. Get a new job. It's not worth the time or effort to fix. Gaslighters are never going to get better and if this situation exists (for whatever reason), it's being tacitly allowed by those upstairs.
There's really no other option. I don't relish confrontation but don't shy away from it. However this is not a fight you can win and you look like a moron for trying. Being a passive bitch about it with all the CYA emails and documentation isn't going to help either. It's a huge time sucker and management almost certainly won't care. Grab whatever of your confidence is left, get your resume polished and be prepared to just walk out after giving two weeks notice.
Either he's really as bad as you say, and the management is oblivious, and the company is doomed. You're better out.
Or, as shown by the fact that you consider staying in such a bad environment, you know you can't find a better job, because you're shit yourself, and the company would really be better off without you.
In any case, you have to go.
Just go and ask for a raise. If they don't give it to you, leave. If they do give it to you, you will be considered more important than that sociopathic asshole and you will be able to tell them that that guy is a jerk and you want him fired or moved out of your department/team.
The rest of the sentence is "bullies unscheduling things you've scheduled, misplacing files and other items that you are working on and co-workers micro-managing you"
So "co-workers" there would imply more than one person...
One thing I've not seen addressed by others though; given how poorly this is written, is there not perhaps a good reason this person is micromanaged? The other passive aggressive stuff (like moving files) seems wrong, but possibly the unscheduling comes about from this person calling too many, or pointless meetings. I just have feeling this person may not be in the right the way he thinks he is.
"There is more worth loving than we have strength to love." - Brian Jay Stanley
I had someone do this to me while working in Wall Street.
Told me to do all sorts of things in private then days later in the team review started complaining and calling the idea dumb. Said he told me to do a different thing and bla bla you know the rest.
Started off little and got bigger until I started literally hating the job itself. He was all buddy-buddy with the boss too so all that could be done was to leave for another team. To drive the point home I worked even harder at impressing the new team and got my name out there. Shows that I wasn't just an idiot or difficult to work with.
After that I left the company and just decided to start outing these people. The guy that gave me grief was Rich Kershaw. Basically a talented C/C++ coder who couldn't handle meeting anyone else with talent. Only works well with those below his skill level. I encourage others to do the same and out these people.
first offense - bark. second offense - growl. third and subsequent offenses - bite. if you do not wish to use violence or do not wish to taste this person's flesh, insist on doing everything in writing / by email+text+IM and relentlessly call out on reality-editing once there's a paper trail.
Liberty - Security - Laziness - Pick any two.
If you have the leverage to do it (seniority, centrality to key projects, etc.) you might be able to parlay the conflict.
"I've had several conflictual interactions with so-and-so recently and I'm worried that there is a power struggle emerging about key decisions. I'd like to nip this in the bud so that we can all get on with our work. To me, this speaks to ambiguous responsibilities and hierarchy, and I wonder if this is going to grow as an issue. For this reason and on the strength of my importance to what we're going, I think it would help to promote me so that the difference in seniority is clear, decisions have a single point of signoff, and someone is clearly accountable—i.e. me, since I take that responsibility seriously already. Think it over, but based on what's been going on, I think it would be best for the project/department/company if my title was increased to ___ and my current responsibility set were reiterated formally to the group, to stop this kind of confusion from turning into an issue that slows us down."
That only works if you are in a position with the rest of your co-workers and your management to make the claim, which—based on your question—I'm guessing your'e not. But if you are, do it and take the promotion, then you get to tell this person where to go and what to do going forward.
STOP . AMERICA . NOW
just ask him to do some work every time he comes near you. Be polite about it and say you really could use some help and make it sound like he's the only one who can do it. Butter him up too. Tell him how great he is.
He'll get start steering clear of you to avoid the extra work. Such people are always incompetent and lazy to a man (or woman).
Hi! I make Firefox Plug-ins. Check 'em out @ https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/youtube-mp3-podcaster/
Gaslighting isn't just being a douchebag.
Watch the original film. It's all about one person doing a spectrum of things to make the second person question their own judgement, their own recollection of facts, and even their own sanity. It's about undermining someone's OWN sense of their worth, abilities, and memory - not trying to make them look bad in front of other people. If they CAN make their victim so full of self-doubt that they won't even try to get a third party to weigh in, it's just that much better. But, as in the movie, the whole point was for a villain to throw his victim off the trail while he spent time searching the house for something valuable - to make her doubt her own judgement and soundness of mind that she wouldn't trust herself to question what he was up to.
The OP is completely mis-using the term.
Don't disappoint your bird dog. Go to the range.
I've experienced gaslighting. Many of us in IT have experienced hostile work environments. There are many options for dealing with it. By far the easiest, fastest way is to simply leave. You're not leaving just for your own mental well being. Another reason to leave is to take their power away, gives them less room to maneuver when abusing your former colleagues.
Unfortunately, many employees don't position themselves to be able to do that without prohibitive loss. And employers encourage that! Ever have your boss suggest you should buy a new car and house? I have, more than once. I didn't understand why that was any of their business the 1st time. Now I know that's why. They think of you as a "flight risk", and like the idea of you feeling chained to your job by debt up to your eyeballs. Lose that job and your life blows up. You lose your house, spouse, car, the respect of your friends, your credit rating, etc. They have code phrases for this, stuff like "showing team spirit" and "commitment". There are sick managers out there who enjoy bullying and abusing hapless underlings.
If you are determined to hang on for financial reasons, pride in your successes, don't want to leave under a cloud of failure, don't want to be labeled a quitter and a wimp, feel like there are still worthy people you can help, or the environment isn't completely horrible and has its redeeming qualities, and whatever other reasons, there's still much else you can do. There will always be some crap to handle at any job, and it is impractical to walk out on every employer unless you're independently wealthy and can retire at the age of 30 or some such. Still improve your financial situation. Next, keeping records is huge. Get all the gaslighters' crap down in writing. Ask them to email or text you, not just give you verbal instructions which can be denied later. Do it smoothly too, don't be verbally demanding, just be firm and put your time to use on other duties until they give you written instruction. What may very well happen is that they get cold feet. They don't want a paper trail showing what scumbags they really are. They'll foam at the mouth with rage and frustration, but they will back down if they have any brains. They may not, they may indeed give it to you in writing. They may try to weasel around with their written instructions. If they threaten to fire you, call them on that. Tell them you're waiting, hurry up and fire you already. It usually is a bluff, but it may not be, and if so, that's okay too. Being fired is not the end of the world.
A big problem is assessing management demands. It can sometimes be very hard to tell if they really are asking for too much. Asking for perpetual motion is too much. Asking for the moon might not be. Likely they have no idea either. It's their job to work that out, not come up with a schedule out of thin air but get input from their experts and work it out. But sometimes managers are lazy on that and try to compensate by bullying their underlings. Ask you for a schedule, then behind your back alter it to cut the time way down, and throw in a few simple little extras that aren't so simple or little. In any case, it's not good to declare some demand is impossible and unreasonable and walk out, if it wasn't.
So there it is. Free yourself from your own desperation. Whichever way things work out, years later you'd like to be proud of the decisions you made and the manner you handled yourself. No job is worth breaking laws you respect and treacherously throwing colleagues under the bus. There are bigger things in life than that. No job is worth your self respect. Being unemployed is hard, but it is not The End.
Intellectual Property is a monopolistic, selfish, and defective concept. It is "tyranny over the mind of man"
Hurray! My first /. Soapbox of 2017 and even higher hopes of an anon-coward "gaslighting" me up!
So for starters, everyone one, every job, every workplace has this, and my only condolense is: that sucks to be in your position.
Now back to reality. Yep, cant go to management or your boss because you will get a improvement-plan-to-let-go-in-3-months or you will be viewed as not being a "good fit" and the pain will continue until you quit or get fires for blowing your top. Why? Because I have met more managers who get paid the "people manage" money to deal with that shit and guess what? They never do.
If you havent got feedback from your boss or manager that echo's any of this back to you in writing, then whats the problem? I have always said: if you are right, you can't br wrong. Sharpen your game --- you seem to know and highlight all their angles, so tactfully neutralize them as much as you can "professionally" (I stress that)
Otherwise you start applying for a new job or you hang in there and suck it up. Because if you get another shiny, new job, I dont want to see you re-post advice, guess what? Grass isnt ever greener, always politics and bullshit. All you do is cash in old complaints for new ones. Learn to handle your job like a sports athlete: you get paid to do a job to produce output and results, negortiate as much as you can and do it well. When its time to go, ask for a trade or go to a new team./p>
If he's as paranoid as he sounds then indirectly give him the idea that a superior or peer of equal tenure is gunning for him. I just spent the last two years dealing with an incompetent manager who everyone knew was incompetent but his boss was too proud to admit he had made a mistake in hiring him. Less than a month after he started one of his employees quit and sited him as the reason she quit. HR followed up and seven other people myself included filed formal complaints. HR found no grounds for dismissal. Over the last two years he's been filed on over twelve times. Last month he made the mistake of pulling his passive aggressive crap on one of the directors and *poof* his ass was gone. Sometimes it's not what they are doing as much as who they are doing it to.
"A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it." - K
I don't know any "unofficial" ways to deal with this that you have not heard. I have wondered if a group "intervention" might work, but I have never seen it tried in a workplace. I have tried talking bluntly to some difficult people. The results have varied. I think the times when I got some good results, I had kept their point of view in mind. Be prepared to have more than one such conversation.
Getting anyone to change behavior may be very difficult if the behavior has been allowed for a long time. If unofficial ways don't work, then you will need the help of someone above the gaslighter. (But that is an "official" way to do something, which was not your question.)
So below this point is a compromise of some "unofficial" ways to get "official" help.
You might discuss your concerns with managers or directors who are not involved, but are in nearby or related departments which share upper management. Pick one that has been in the company long enough to know upper managers. They can tell you which person up the chain will probably listen.
If there is a group that goes out for food and drinks after work occasionally, go with them. You may get more open advice away from the company's office. You may find that they start the conversation by asking you about the gaslighter.
Do all of this respectfully. If you come across as just bashing the gaslighter and your own boss, you may hurt yourself. Try to remember that you may want a job reference in the future.
When you find the right person to approach for "official" help, keep the company's interests in mind while making your case.
They are a bully, but NOT gaslighting. If they where, you wouldn't ever know it. The idea behind gaslighting is to make someone question their own sanity or "efforts to manipulate someone's sense of reality" This is a funny version of gaslighting. If someone is that much of an asshole, I'd be looking for another job ASAP.
They should probably try to find out if other people have had these issues with this employee. Talk to HR, as that's supposed to be "confidential". Don't mention names at first, just tell them the situation at first. Make sure THEY are documenting it. But, yeah, it sounds like it's time to move on. Make sure you update your resume.
Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war .... or if you're on a budget.
http://www.thinkgeek.com/produ...
Most organizations have difficult people. Some pairs of people just get on each other's nerves. Often it comes down to circumstances -- did you meet at the beginning of a stressful period? Others who remember the "good old days" may have fond memories that help them through the present. etc.
In order to build a healthy career, you have to learn how to manage these situations productively. People who master the skill get promoted.
Some advice: Don't take it personally. Don't let the problem fester. Don't be overly aggressive. Do your homework. Proceed with caution. Scout out how your peers feel about this individual. Do others have strategies for working with him? Calmly approach the other individual, talk about the issues, and make sure they understand what you perceive as inappropriate actions. Sometimes people lose track and appreciate the wake-up call (especially introverted engineers). If it is intentional, try to find out why -- maybe you can call a truce or forge an alliance. Walking away over one person sounds extreme. Can you find a new project or role that reduces your interaction with this one individual? If you have issues with numerous people than walking might be more appropriate.
I would also recommend the book "Win-Win Negotiating" by Jandt and Gillette.
It depends. Sometimes people higher up the management chain don't know what's going on. Impressing those people can work. Calling the gaslighter on it can work. Accounting for the time you've had to spend dealing with him and showing how much that has cost the company can work. It's very dependent on the politics of the situation.
Real lawyers write in C++
No correlation to this story and management deciding that they'll get better support from a bunch of $15/hr h1bs. But hey, you stuck it to the man.
In the case of code or written material, peer reviews are the great equalizer here. If you have a tool that keeps track of comments persistently, then you have a record of their comments when you invited them to review your work. If they chose not to review it, then that's on them (and likely reflects poorly on them). The secondary benefit is that you also likely will have other colleagues who also reviewed the same content. So if the gaslighting colleague tries to pull this kind of crap, you have peers that likely will help your cause because it would reflect bad upon their ability to critique your work.
If they're affecting aspects of your job that do not fall into this category, find another way of documenting it in an independently verifiable way. If that's not possible, I recommend finding a different job.
I see the term gaslighting being thrown around so much in the last year, but most people really don't seem to understand what it means. This is not gaslighting. Gaslighting is *literally* trying to convince the *victim* that they are insane or misremembering real incidents or facts.
In this case their point is not to make the victim think they are crazy or wrong, it's to convince others that they are screwing things up. That's just basic bullying, undermining, or backstabbing. Not gaslighting.
The term Gaslighting does not mean, what the submitter believes it means:
The question itself remains valid, but the misuse of the term is so annoying, I'm not going to give my (very valuable) advice on the subject.
In Soviet Washington the swamp drains you.
I worked for a company that was doing some MSP work for a client. It started when a co-worker kept asking about a long configuration I did, I sent a reply, and he sent a reply to managers with what I said changed which didn't help me look good. I quietly turned on message signatures via S/MIME, problem solved there.
It really came to a head when I was doing some work on a broken web server. I had some backups saved of config files. I made a modification, it didn't work, went to back out changes... and my backups were gone. I then looked to see who was on, and the only other person was this co-worker. A quick look at .sh_history in his homedir showed he blew away each file one by one, with typos. I popped screenshots of this.
The code approval system used URL links to an internal code repository as well for fetching and testing. Normally, developers were supposed to put different dates and keep every rev and URL of releases unique, so there is a history of artifacts that eventually get archived off. Well, the co-worker had some working code which passed QA tests. I went to move the file from testing to production, checked the hashes... the file was changed. Even though he swore up and down that no files were changed, the hashes and dates were different. I let management know with my screenshots and documentation. They told me to STFU and deal with him. However, because the guy was from another group, he had no repercussions for his actions.
Things went on like this for a while. Thankfully the co-worker was too stupid to understand what RCS and etckeeper were. He decided to play games of deleting config files while stuff was running, after excluding them from the backups.
Management would not do a single thing, because his manager was well away from IT and didn't give a rats's ass what IT's problems were. I couldn't yank his access because it was explicitly granted from much higher on.
Had a production machine seize up during business hours. Found /boot empty. Looked at the logs I had remotely hidden away, found the machine went down just after someone ssh-ed in from the IP address belonging to this co-workers name. Went to HR and management, got told to stop whining and "lrn 2 deal with other departments" [sic], so I handed them my badge, a special piece of paper with all passwords and such, told them that I would be letting myself out the back door, and that I took an Uber to work (I had a feeling it would come to a head that day, so didn't drive), so you don't have to worry about my car in their parking garage.
Now here is the ironic thing:
It has been a long time since I've left that company. The job description for the position I left is still there on job boards and is constantly renewed.
When I was in my 20's [a long time ago in a galaxy far far away] I worked construction on a coal fired power plant. It was a pretty good sized project with around 1500 people. If you had a beef with your coworkers it got settled out in the parking lot at the end of the day. I didn't believe this was possible. But I was proved wrong when I went to get in my car to go home and there were two people going at it in front of my car.It was a supervisor and a worker. Never found out what the beef was about, but had to wait until the fight was over to go home as they found the dirt most comfortable in front of my car and a crowd had gathered. Sometimes it gets down to this, but quit the job first before you clock the guy, as it looks better on your resume for the next job.
Number one rule of not being bullied is to be part of a pack. Don't be singled out. Form a pack with your other colleagues.
So, either drum up the popular support and find a way to change the gaslighter. This option will take a lot of energy and it will take away from your work and life.
Or, leave and find somewhere else.
This actually worked for me back in my early twenties, although I would say that envy is a form of insecurity and fear of a potential adversary is what triggers the sabotaging behavior. My company had hired a superstar consultant who for some reason instantly regarded me as a threat and said dreadful things to me at every opportunity when others were not within earshot. Since his behavior was based on completely erroneous assumptions about me and in fact I liked the guy, I simply greeted him like a friend, ignored those comments with a momentary confused look and carried on being friendly. I began asking him for advice, which is an admission of vulnerability and a clear acknowledgment of his superior knowledge and experience, all true at the time. After an interval of bewilderment on his part, he realized that I was never hostile to him and in fact looked up to him. He became my biggest ally and gave me endless much needed advice about office and corporate politics. I still use that knowledge decades later, so it was a completely successful strategy. It was easy to implement because it was based on honesty so I wasn't acting a part. People pick up on insincerity unless one is a very fine actor but then the OP has little to lose at this point and kindness is unlikely to backfire.
If you can't confront them, or talk to them, or talk to your boss, or go through channels and you're effectively deadlocked in the status quo...
1. You probably don't understand your workplace very well.
2. You should leave.
3. Punch him in the dick on your way out. Or now. Or in the parking lot. Or follow him home and punch him in the dick there. But the most important thing you can do is to connect your knuckles to his pecker.
"Raising things through the official channels is out of the question"
You can't even talk about it? Quit immediately. You don't deserve that kind of bullshit. Any company that can't talk about personel issues is not one you want to work for. Let them crash and burn.
However, unless the douche is the owner's kid, I bet someone will hear you out. Start a new job search before bringing it up, just to be safe.
I'm a good cook. I'm a fantastic eater. - Steven Brust
and do the same thing back to them, only worse, hit them where it would cost them a lot of money like ordering a bunch of porn with the company credit card, all because they were trying to mess with my mind, and just before i left i would wipe all the harddrives on every computer i could get my hands on, and have them all booted with a live USB linux playing an infinite loop of some porno video, with a post-it note on each monitor sayng: "who is screwing who?"
Politics is Treachery, Religion is Brainwashing
Oops, I see now that I essentially duplicated the above comment and advice a bit further down, and yes, it did work perfectly for me as well.
...of the United States and moves on.
This has been a test. If this had been an actual Sig, you would have been amused.
You're trying to be a team player with an Antagonist; DO NOT TRUST ANYTHING THIS PERSON DOES OR SAYS! STOP! Communicate everything using eMail, Twitter, what ever. Create a communications trail. When someone asks what's going on, simply state, "I think X is having a bad day." Always be freindly, SMILE, ask how that person's day is going. If that person pops off, then pop off with that status on their part of the project. Make communications public. After awhile, and some well documented failures that will occur because the bully can't be both a bully and good at their job. Personal will contact the bully. Your problem is solved.
If it is really that bad, leave.
However, if you want to stay, first and foremost, put the effort into where you have control: yourself. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror. Look at your work history over the last 5 years. How has it been? Talk to other colleagues you have worked with (besides the person you have an issue with). Ask them for one thing that you could improve. If they all say you should schedule fewer meetings, your "gaslighter" may simply be done putting up with your excessive meetings and is sending you a direct message (did s/he ever mention this to you before). I try to ask my manager every 4 months what I could do better (I actually have a reminder on my calendar). It follows that you must take the advice you get to heart and really work on the area your manager suggests as well. You would be amazed at how this raises your credibility with management and at the same time can often give you avenues for improvement that you had not considered before.
I have worked in engineering for many years now, and I NEVER leave files I need on common/shared or any networked locations accessible to others unless there is strict version control/tracking/rollback in effect. Working in a team environment it is just too easy for someone else to delete a file or overwrite it on accident with no malice at all, just in the course of doing work. I always keep my files on my local machine and back up to a USB drive every few days and then put copies on the network drive (I don't care how many times management asks for me to work out of network locations, it is stupid and I don't do it). This resolves your changed/deleted files issue.
Next, I tend to take notes during or after meetings formal or informal and email them out to the team immediately after with a header something along the lines of "to review my understanding of our last meeting/conversation etc." and then list off the key points as well as any action items and who is responsible for them. This is an effective way of mitigating people who have selective amnesia later on, and would resolve that issue that you have with this co worker.
I do most of this as a matter of course because of various people over the years who have exhibited one type of behavior or another, but at the end of the day, doing this makes you a better, more valuable employee and I can almost guarantee that one of two things will happen, either you will realize that it was you creating the problems all along and you will become better at doing your job, or the gaslighter employee will be thwarted and forced to do his own work and his rockstar reputation will be diminished as contradictions start to come to light. This won't solve all of your problems, but it will go a long ways.
If you disagree, please post your argument. (-1, Overrated) isn't your personal censorship tool for views you don't like
From my experience this happens at almost every office. I've stopped leaving because of it as you'll never get stability. It's probably tougher from a strict coding perspective, but for me I work in an engineering office and we do a lot of cad design and gis. Since the GIS is a separate set of skills I just moved to a task that the people gaslighting me could not understand and excelled at it. At which point, you can just wait them out and refuse to let them gain legitimacy by them instructing you on the 'proper' way of doing things in order to claim that your skill is because of their ability to teach you. It's actually really fun to totally ignore the gaslighter and then excel at your job. When they go to management and claim your failure point it out as them not understanding what you are doing. When they try to look over your shoulder at your screen to teach you, stop working and look at them and converse about things not related to work in a charming positive way that makes them laugh. Wait for the deadlines to come in and them get distracted then do your thing better than them for lower budget. Make yourself useful to management while smiling at them, ignoring them, and don't do what they say while agreeing to their face. Keep a positive attitude, realize that they are sad individuals with less skill that need to use intrigue to promote themselves and advanced your skill set in a way that makes it obviouse to everyone in the office that you are far superior to them and they are just pushing their weight around in order t compensate for their own inadequacies.
If this is a systemic problem in the company, then your best option is to get out as soon as possible because you aren't going to fix it.
A lot of people who are responding are assuming a bad work environment is systemic when it may not be. It is surprising how many dillholes manage to build themselves empires inside of bigger corporations without getting caught. I have faced this exact scenario at a prior job (manager was exactly like this, and she also had a weird sexual thing for me. Tried to use the whole gas lighting thing as a power play). Company wasn't bad, just her section. I managed to win an ultimately get her fired. The trick in this situation is to find ways to document their behavior and the fact that you were on the right side of the issue, then "inadvertently" expose them when they try to screw you over. If it looks like you are gunning for them, you look like the bad guy. These guys pride themselves on always sucking up to management and looking like the good guy. Your job, if you think it is worth fighting the battle, is to reveal their skullduggery, but make it look innocent. An example from my experience. This manager told me to make a bunch of bad design choices on a client's product. I knew they were wrong, and I told her as much, but she cut me down in front of my colleagues and the client (by misrepresenting the choices). Later I emailed her and said, I must have misunderstood what she was asking, and would she please clarify (thus appearing to submit and getting her to document her explanation, while subtly documenting why I thought it was wrong and that I had explained it to her). Of course the project turned into a train wreck. Manager summoned me to her office, and frankly propositioned me or threatened to get me fired over it if I didn't go along. I refused. Then, when we were presenting, the now horribly screwed up project to the client, as well as upper management in our company, I made sure to print off those emails and take them with me. Of course the meeting was a disaster, the client was mad, as was our upper management. As soon as they started questioning why we'd made all of these stupid decisions, and ignored some of the their direct requests and needs, my manager immediately started to turn on me and the rest of the team. She tried to make it sound like she was blameless and couldn't understand why we'd gone against her direct orders. After letting her dig herself in deep for a minute or two, I pulled our her emails that I had printed off, and said, "You're right! I don't know why things got so out of hand. When I emailed you for clarification, I thought I was very clear on these client needs. Let's use this meeting to do some constructive, 'lessons-learned'. I figured you probably had a superior picture of the requirements, and so that's why I followed your directions to the best of my ability. It must have been my misunderstanding."
Here I looked like I was just doing my job, and thought I'd made a mistake, but actually I exposed what a lying, piece of shit she was. A few days later, the rest of the team and I were each interviewed by upper management on how things had been going. Again, I didn't frame it as personal, or like I was trying to throw her under the bus, I just explained and showed email after email where I had tried to get clarification, after clearly explaining what she was demanding and why that wasn't a good choice, but each time I showed upper management the email, I pretended to be a bit naive on what could have gone wrong. Since I wasn't being "vindictive" it was pretty obvious where the problem was. The rest of my coworkers were only too happy to throw this lady under the bus because these types of jerks rarely screw with only one person. Next thing I knew, she got a forced "lateral promotion" to a dead-end position with no under-staff and shortly there-after got "laid-off".
The question lists What they're doing but barely speculates as to Why, beyond "to look good."
Most people I've seen treated this way get it because they've either badly or repeatedly screwed over colleagues.
From the description, it's an environment where people don't have much trust in management/HR helping. In such a situation, where the gaslighter may well have a legitimate issue with the victim but, in the absence of legitimate channels, taking away their ability to succeed until they go away remains an apparent only choice.
So first step is to consider if you've screwed then over. Not by your definition but by theirs. If so, start by mending bridges.
Maybe it is nothing to do with the victim. Still ask why.
Maybe they're a very insecure person, despite the rockstar talents the victim perceives.
Maybe they're scared of someone less talented but younger and hotter.
Or maybe they're hurting from other bad workplace drama, a bad manager, another bullying colleague, and lashing out where they can.
Get to know them, understand them, empathize, build their trust, make yourself an ally they want to build up not tear down.
Is that fair? Should you have to work with an unfair bully?
No. Back when mommy could talk to the teacher, it wasn't fair.
But this is the real world. In a good company, management and HR will help but this apparently isn't one. That leaves leaving (hurts you), fighting (often hurts you more) or being the bigger person to ensure you succeed.
You're going to hit lots of unfair in your career. Working out how to win anyway is at least as important a skill as any technical one.
Its the same as when you have a supervisor that cannot be trusted or that sets you up to fail so that he looks good.
I left his team for another team within the company, thankfully that was relatively easy. This allowed me to gather my wits around me and a few months later I left for a much better job at a company that actually listens to their developers.
In the exit interview I made it abundantly clear that I left because of the bad supervisor, and I also took the time to praise the new one in the other team.
I learned through the grapevine that the bad supervisor was eventually assigned a whole new team to start a new project. A few weeks in, they _all_ refused to keep working with him. Eventually HR reviewed his file and realize the toxicity he brought with himself. He got reassigned to a "special project team" and made it clear to him he won't be doing anything else until he left.
Work around the damage, do the best job you can and wait for their inevitable fuckup when they go after one too many people with this shit.
I had a "dog ate my homework" type who kept trying to get me fired for losing all the work he was apparently doing on Friday afternoons when he was really going home early and ignoring deadlines. It had a positive effect in that I implemented more frequent filesystem snapshotting (on top of the existing tape backups) to counter his "the file servers keep losing files" claims. There was a lot of other stuff he did which resulted in more changes to work around the damage - the Simpsons joke "this ticket is not to be taken internally" and Homer saying "they wrote that because of me" comes to mind. Workflows ended up being documented in ridiculous detail because he'd find a weak point and deliberately fuck up and blame it on another. All of this stuff was very public. More than a couple of times managers took him aside for a quiet word about his activities and eventually he left.
However if I was in a more junior position and had less time in the workplace that pathetic bully probably could have got me sacked in his first two months with nothing more than a series of wild claims. After a couple of months several managers knew he couldn't be trusted much but they needed someone to do the work, so long as he didn't go too far. The "dog ate my homework" thing was tried and disproved around ten times and management were making jokes about him, but it sounded pretty fucking serious the first time he tried that stunt and it could have got a junior staff member fired if he had blamed it on them early on.
Comment removed based on user account deletion
And in the letter of resignation (perhaps a separate one to management, rather than one to your colleagues), document in great detail the actual reason for your departure.
DO NOT DO THIS.
Such a letter will come back to haunt you in some way. Either messing with some future job prospects or retaliation of some kind.
Instead, there will be an exit interview, use that time to lay out, calmly and without emotion, the problems you have had. Then it's up to them to react to it or not. If they get combative just give up. But at least they will not have a paper trail to potentially harm you with later. Remember the whole reason you are even telling them is to help THEM, so if they are not receptive why would you push?
Words of discontent and anger can always be made to make you look bad to someone who lacks context, or is provided a different context in which your words are placed.
"There is more worth loving than we have strength to love." - Brian Jay Stanley
The irony here is you are saying "Lose the DailyKos talk" and then use some weird slang of "virtue-signaling"
WTF does that mean?
I asked another poster who used that earlier but they did not reply.
You do have a point that just pointing out instances of bullying is better than using the slang term "gaslighting" even if it fits better for people who know that slang.
Superior engineer? Bad assumption. Given the context they probably are not a real engineer anyway just someone that HR calls that due to time served. Even if they are a real professional engineer then presumably so is the poster so it's peers not the massive gulf implied. If you know your shit you probably know that subset of information at around the same level or possibly better.
Stupid alpha male office politics shit happens and there is no point trying to blame someone at the rough end of it. They were good enough to get the job so the stupid "what have I done to piss off someone more skilled" is just a ridiculous kick at a soft target.
Keep asking the question until you find someplace or someone who will give you an answer you like? I could have sworn I saw this exact same question asked recently on workplace.se. Unfortunately, if I did, it's been deleted, as I can't find it.
Document emails, circumstances and audio record anything and everything you do. If the job is worth the effort then you can endure a bit more and get enough to support yourself. I'd advise that if the 'guy' has been there that long you should just prepare quietly and move on to greener pastures. Sadly what so many don't realize is that you can do everything right and still lose.
errr....umm...*whooosh* *whoosh* Is this thing on ?
Yes, wanted to say this. I mean, it may be good to have a discussion for other folks dealing with tough work environments, so maybe it's not wasted, but the original poser of the question has likely wrapped this issue up one way or another more than a year ago.
The Quirkz Handbook of Self-Improvement for People Who Are Already Pretty Okay
You have three choices.
Serious? Seriousness is well above my pay grade.
Thank you.
With all the "alt-right gays", "SJW" and "men's rights" weirdness I'm having trouble keeping track of the slang that is creeping in. I can't even recall hearing of "gaslighting" before August last year even if it does come from an old movie.
I think I did have someone try shit like that on me with a long series of lies that looked like some stupid sort of trap. I ended up saying to people "X has told me this but there may be a mistake, could you please confirm it" and then even doing it right in front of the liar, asking the person next to him if what he said was really true. Eventually the lies stopped. That annoying shit happens in a lot of workplaces with idiots that want to play dominance games instead of getting stuff done.
Calling gaslighting slang is a bit like calling narcissism slang. Both are from works of fiction(I'll go ahead and call mythology fiction) but both have already worked their way into academia as a psychological phenomenon, regardless of whether or not one is perceived as a liberal over reacting buzzword.
Chances are its not just you he's picking on. Bullies completely rely on their victims staying silent/divided. Bullies have no defence if their victims simply unite.
Have a quiet word with all your other colleagues and figure out who is also being victimised enough to be seriously pissed off by this guy, then figure out together what you are all going to do about it.
Assholes like this usually have all kinds of dirty little secrets that they don't want out. Find it and expose it.
Still waiting on Serviscope_minor to wake up to fucking reality and realize that Jessica Price isn't going to fuck him.
Something I regularly encounter are unproductive jack-offs who don't know shit and don't do shit. These people are as harmless as they are worthless.
Three steps to dealing with jack-offs.
1. Ignore them
2. Avoid any interaction that may out anyone as being jack-offs or otherwise being seen in a bad light.
3. Actively cover for jack-offs using broad language making it seem everyone is pulling their weight without explicitly saying so.
I work to get shit done even if it is work someone else ought to be doing. I don't give a shit. Refuse to waste my time babysitting or trying to change people. The only thing necessary is to make sure you have/use source control so you can prove your worth in relative terms should it ever become necessary.
One thing I will absolutely not tolerate are people actively impeding me from doing my job. If it ever happened I would immediately get in their face and demand they step off. Failing that depending on how much I care either leave or gather evidence, present to management respectfully demanding change. It's never happened and I doubt it really could. I'm way too focused on getting shit done and people who would seek to play these games are more likely than not to be intellectually lazy and therefore easily managed.
And make it profitable to the company to sue the hell out of him.
Where I work we have a particularly nasty Gaslighting Colleague. The guy is a pain, meddles into affairs that aren't his and actually commits sabotage. However, he's backed up by one higher manager and hence can get away with anything. Only thing we can do about him is playing the formal game. It isn't a cure but it stops the symptoms and reduces the bad atmosphere at the workplace.
Formality is all about quality and you can preemptively shut a Gaslighting Colleague with documenting agreements. Try setting up a a clean and small document to agree on quality issues (technical architecture design, class design, coding style, version control, deployment etc...) and stick to it. Sort of thank him for his contributions as quality auditor without giving him too much of a status.
Keep him busy and hand him enough rope to hang himself. (Bitching and moaning usually is a sign of incompetence.)
Most likely the antics won't stop and he'll go up a scale and try proving you guys are much too expensive and should be outsourced. Prepare for financial break down of the supply chain you function in.
If you don't have any manager backing you up than the situation really gets grim and unpleasant. Try as long as you can to not let the bastards ruin a good thing; Surrendering to any kind of competition is hardly ever a strategic solution. As a last resource look for alternative jobs.
You'd think organisations would detect any kind of behaviour that screws up their strategic position. But most of them don't. Some brown nosing career jockeys will use anything to gain a minimal raise in salary or position.
(The "sane" ones in organisation should come up with a way to unite. But how do you distinguish the "sane" ones?)
I hadn't the slightest objection to his spending his time planning massacres for the bourgeoisie... (P.G. Wodehouse)
Get performance reviews from as many people as you can. If his looks different than everyone else's, fucking hang him.
"Stratigraphically the origin of agriculture and thermonuclear destruction will appear essentially simultaneous" -- Lee
Oh and if that doesn't work, stalk him down and beat his fucking ass with a baseball bat somewhere dark. Punch him hard in the eye for me when you're done.
"Stratigraphically the origin of agriculture and thermonuclear destruction will appear essentially simultaneous" -- Lee
Also known as the quick road to getting fired. You can't threaten someone who's hanging something more important over your head. You have to actually beat the person's ass, and be careful not to allow them to know who it was that beat their ass.
"Stratigraphically the origin of agriculture and thermonuclear destruction will appear essentially simultaneous" -- Lee
In one case I let this supervisor misdirect me into making numerous mistakes on a potentially very dangerous job, until one time I simply said in a very stern voice, "[so-and-so], how about you let me get it done the right way." And he shut his stupid ass up after that and actually became a bit more productive. I learned later most other coworkers had done a similar thing but more along the lines of, "you know, [so-and-so], I think I'd be more comfortable doing it this way" so he always had a chip on his shoulder and never thought he had anything to improve. Just a few words can make a world of difference to someone.
"Stratigraphically the origin of agriculture and thermonuclear destruction will appear essentially simultaneous" -- Lee
Females are natural-born gaslighters. You should consider the possibility that one or more accusatory females might be behind the gaslighting colleague. If that's the case, the gaslighting will follow you wherever you go. You'll need to surreptitiously relocate to another country & change your identity. Plastic surgery to change your appearance might also be necessary.
Yes, yes, I know, and pasties are little bits hiding things on strippers that people pay to see even though they don't even strip and not just the dictionary definition of it being a flaky pastry snack.
Of course it's slang. Just because you guys don't speak English doesn't mean that people who do can pick up on your movie derived slang automatically.
The entire software development industry is rife with this sort of thing. Why? Because we're not doing what it takes to fix the problem.
If you just up and leave, all you've earned is a reprieve. You'll run into it all over again somewhere else. You need to punish the gaslighters and their enablers, or else nothing will change.
First, document everything. Every damn thing. Be prepared to prove things to any available objective third party you might happen across. Then, get a lawyer. Then, and only then... line up your next job.
Use your documentation to cause as much pain and embarrassment as possible as you go out the door. Burn the place down. Cause them legal problems if you can. Mess with their politics. Learn who hates whom and turn them against each other. Cause the worst offenders to lose face. If it's publicly traded, cause investor relations problems.
You owe it to the world to destroy these bastards. No mercy.
Hmm, I'm a little worried now that I've struck some sort of oddly specific nerve, so I want to emphasize to you that this was not my intention. The difference between pasties and gaslighting in this context that qualifies pasties as slang but not gaslighting is that pasties have not become recognized jargon in the curriculum of any specific field of study. You could be right in saying "instances of bullying is better than using the slang term "gaslighting" even if it fits better for people who know that slang." in the sense that sometimes it's better to omit jargon when you consider the audience, but I make a point to distinguish one from the other in this context because it seems that this trend of seeing it as a niche cultural terminology frequently becomes another anti-intellectual not to learn a definition even when it fits most accurately(for some people).
The trouble is, the system rewards the incompetent. The skills needed to do a good job are not at all the same skills that are needed to get and keep a good job. Just look at Congress. Most of those clowns have been there for years.
I'll shut up and learn from anyone with a proven track record of technical success. I won't trust anyone with a lengthy, proven track record of failure. I'm very much in the minority that way.
by my manager. After getting my morale seriously pummelled for several months, I sent the CTO of our organization git blame logs that showing I was being beaten up for trivial things that my manager's most senior reports had in fact taught me to do and that they had coded and shipped out to clients on other projects my manager was overseeIng.
Needless to say...I was shown the door a few months later. This would have happened anyways, but at least by confronting the gaslighter with hard evidence I can look at myself in the mirror and I'm not the emotional wreck I'd be if I sat back and did nothing. I don't regret it in the least.
And just maybe I made small dent in that jerk's ability to gaslight others in the future.
I wait behind the corner of a hallway, short club and some cloth to stuff into his mouth ready. ...
He gets a short smack on the neck. Cloth into the mouth in case the smack was to soft.
Then I drag him into the basement, along the coworkers who pretend not noticing us.
There he gets chained to the wall, a tape over his mouth, the cloth stays where it is.
Obviously he has no need for water and bread
After closing the door I tape the lock and the edges, to avoid his smell getting out to early.
Perhaps he never gets found ...shit happens!
Cost free eBook I read (by iBook/Kobo/Amazon/ObookO/Gutenberg etc.): "The Green Odyssey" by Philip Jose Farmer.
Raising things through the official channels is out of the question
Get out now.
Watch this Heartland Institute video
Others have said it and I would second that: Plan and organise your exit.
Don't appease, don't confront but don't back down from a fight or discussion. Look for a new job and do your thing as long as you need to or can in the current company. Then quit professionally. If someone asks you why, state that element in the culture don't seem to fit. If someone gets specific in their questions, stay objective and calm while describing the situation that lead you to quit.
Unless they sincerely offer to address the problem head on and offer you to stay on your terms (different department, different supervisor, different tasks, no direct interaction with the a**hole, etc.) don't back down from your move.
I've come to think that gaslighting is a cruel way of social interaction, grown with human evolution.
The people doing it are basically type-a sociapaths towards their victims. It's basically a mechanism of tribe-formation. The old testament and the abrahamic revelation cults much of our western culture is built on are full of this shit. An extended form of it being - of course - modern day fascism.
I read a lot about it lately. I had a strange experience this last half year with a supposed GF of mine and stayed in the 'relationship' just to observe the extreme mechanisms of semi-borderline reality distortion and manipulation she pulled off. I dumped her (the first time I seriously dumped anyone like this) and caught her off guard (she was shocked) but it's interesting that our "relationship" hasn't changed at all, the still behaves like an a**hole towards me, only less so because we don't interact that much anymore.
Social interaction phenomenon like this you should basically take as a more-or-less objective force of nature, and deal with it accordingly. No job in the world is worth putting up with something that challenges your basic inner self each and every step and has you prove your worth as a human every step of the way and has you doubt your self-worth.
You're better of being a bum or a digital nomand than putting up with a job like that.
We suffer more in our imagination than in reality. - Seneca
on the left. It is a way of saying "I am a victim of abuse" without actually claiming explicitly to be a victim of abuse. With the younger crowd, it's seen as something that men do to women, typically, and is used a lot in feminist circles. By saying "I am being gaslighted!" the goal is to elicit the sympathy and understanding that come from abuse claims without having to justify the notion that you are being abused. You go straight to "Oh you poor thing! You are so strong and patient!" without having to cross the "So tell me what's going on" part of the conversation.
It's not something I would try on a boss. Your approach is the right one. "So-and-so is impeding my work. They're moving my files, changing my appointments, spreading rumors that are harming my necessary work relationships, and generally making work impossible. I need it to stop so that I can continue to be effective. I've been unable to stop it. I need you to support increased separation between myself and them, as I'm finding it difficult to work when I have to interact with them multiple times over the course of a day."
It's not perfect, but it's better than going in with an indirect claim of abuse, hoping that your boss will understand what you're asking for.
STOP . AMERICA . NOW
I assume that leaving is out of the question. That means you must address it internally. Read this book. It talks about how to deal with difficult toxic people.
tora
I've spent a lifetime on the left and I'm seeing a lot of young people that have never had to do anything hard claiming that to do anything hard is either (a) mentally abusive, (b) impossible, or (c) unjustified and unfair.
Older generations went thousands of miles overseas to engage in trench warfare. Older feminists scored women's rights without having patron saints above them that would protect them from harassment. This idea that you're incapable of doing anything hard because prejudice, because anger, because abuse, etc. is bullshit. Sorry, it is.
You grow a backbone by growing a backbone. It is hard. It is scary. You may be beaten down. You may have had your ego destroyed. Oh well. There is still a moment at which you have to stand up and be counted, or face the consequences. Life is hard, get a helmet.
People left abusive situations in their home and married lives for thousands of years before you heard about "gaslighting." It was hard. It was scary. They were beaten down.
You may well want to make it easier for them, and that could in some ways be laudable, but the fact is that it is nonsense to claim that it can't be done or it wasn't ever done, and the last thing that's going to work in most workplaces (nor should we necessarily want it to) is to go in and claim that you are the victim of such catastrophic-marriage-style-abuse that you can't mentally function any longer. Your boss is not going to want someone who has literally become unable to function due to the nonphysical, merely "head games" actions of a fellow, non-position-of-authority co-worker.
This is the workplace. It's not your home life. Your "abuser" is just another schmo with a job three desks over. They are not your spouse, your abusive parent, etc. You are basically going in with an admission that you are socially stunted, emotionally vulnerable, etc. Even if your boss tries to be noble about it themselves, he/she is going to have a particular impression of you as an employee that precludes giving you future responsibilities or promoting you when the time comes because the risk/reward proposition for the company does not safely include giving a person who can be "gaslighted" at work any more responsibilities.
I'm not saying that the questioner shouldn't take this up the chain. Note my original comment. I'm saying that they shouldn't claim the language of domestic abuse to do it. They should state what is happening and state that it is affecting their world. Period. It's bad advice to suggest that they do anything but avoid "gaslighting" that language entirely, unless they are positive that their boss is a progressive-left-leaning SJW who is an anti-domestic-abuse activist in their off hours.
STOP . AMERICA . NOW
This post is absolutely correct. In defamation law, the word "publish" is explicitly b defined as "communicate to another person" and it absolutely CAN be just one other person. It's been held that insulting someone, saying something to the target and only them, isn't libel or slander, it has to be communicated to at least one other person.
In the US at least, truth is an absolute defense to a defamation claim. So you are safe if you stick to true statements and hold on to some form of documentation (you only have to prove truth by "most likely", not "beyond av reasonable doubt).
As someone else pointed out, you are also safe from a libel or slander claim if you say "I'm leaving because of Joe Shmoe", without giving a specifics.
A safe, yet specific combination would be to separate the logs you save but not create, such as CVS histories, log files, etc, and say "I'm leaving due to Joe's actions. I put logs are on this flash drive for you." (But be sure you haven't put anything you're not supposed to acccess on the drive.)
Opinion is also safe, and facts can be magically turned into opinion with words like "I think" in written communication. "Joe's a vindictive asshole and I can't tolerate his abuse anymore" is probably non-actionable opinion. Probably, "based on these logs, I believe Joe sabotaged project X" is likely not actionable, unless he can't prove you don't really believe that - the statement of fact is "I believe". Only use "based on ... I believe" qualifiers in writing so someone testifying doesn't forget you included the "I believe" qualifier.
It would be difficult to give any advice on your situation without knowing the full story.
What I am going to say will be wildly unpopular, but realities often are.
If you are a hard worker who is just being harassed by one or more coworkers and you are unable to bring it up to the company, then I would follow the majority advice given here and begin your search to seek employment elsewhere.
However !
There are some employees whose work ethic / abilities are horrific. One who places a burden on the rest of their coworkers due to the inability to get a job done on time, correctly, or even at all. One who, due to certain circumstances*, cannot or will not be let go from the company. In this type of situation, when management is unwilling to step in and do what's necessary, your coworkers most certainly will attempt to coerce you into voluntarily leaving.
*Related to company management, Union Member, part of a diversity quota, or a self-preservation issue at the management level due to headcount concerns.
Consider also the possibility that management has directed their top performers to help keep an eye on folks who may not be performing up to expectations because their own schedule of conference calls,job duties and even technical expertise doesn't allow them to do it themselves.
I can offer this perspective because the group I work with is in a situation such as this.
We have at least one employee who, after being with us for a few years, is still incapable of performing day to day tasks without having to ask for help from everyone else. They are unreliable and, without constant supervision ( micromanagement to many ), would happily sit at their desk and play on their phone all day long. As a result, most of the rest of the group will have nothing to do with them because their inability or unwillingness to do the job just means more work for everyone else.
So from their perspective, the rest of the team is just being mean. When, in reality, we're quite tired of having to do their work on top of our own.
I can no longer justify utilizing my own time helping them if they're unwilling to learn or even try. We've tried, time and time again to no avail. So we've given up.
If that's considered unprofessional or mean, so be it.
I have a job to do.
I don't have time to be nice anymore.
that is exactly what you do. That is what I did, and that is what others must do.
The ignorance is yours, and is typical of the "progressive" left right now.
There is only one way out, and that is to take the way out. All the rest is bullshit.
STOP . AMERICA . NOW
For someone who asks nerds for advice, this is terrible. Growing a backbone isn't something you get right the first time, guaranteed. So you make noise, and give someone an opportunity to fire you. Given the slightly incredible environment, with no official channels available, firing is the likely outcome.
You could land another job, give notice, then spend two weeks verbally detailing your reasons for leaving. But I agree that the exit interview is the only real opportunity to make your case.
In a different environment, grow a spine would work, but not here.
Record yourself telling the HR drone you are recording the exit interview then record the rest of the interview.
Otherwise what you said will be distorted beyond recognition.
John McAfee 'It was like that time I hired that Bangkok prostitute; to do my taxes, while I fucked my accountant'
Drag him out in the carpark and give him a good kicking like you know you want to.
Four flat tires. Cut the stems off.
Pour gasoline on their desk and light it. I bet that will get the attention of management.
The sooner you can leave, the least damage to your career at other places the idiot can do.
Admiral Rickover liked to shorten the two front legs of chairs about a half inch. Subtle change in posture makes people nervous.
John McAfee 'It was like that time I hired that Bangkok prostitute; to do my taxes, while I fucked my accountant'
If you are going to leave, and plan to have something like an exit interview, make sure to record the whole thing. That can head off a lot of problems later if someone claims you said something you did not. Check for legality of letting people know they are being recorded though. If they must be informed keep a sign on your desk saying that the room is under surveillance to protect property.
"There is more worth loving than we have strength to love." - Brian Jay Stanley
I've had exit interviews at some places, but not all of them.
However I've always had a final chat with someone at the company as to why I was leaving. Lots of times it's simply better opportunity, but there's always something that makes you think of looking, and it's a kindness to let them know what they might do better. If they are not having an exit interview you can ask to speak to someone yourself, or range to have lunch sometime after you leave. even if there's nothing you could really say to help them out (some places are behind help) it's nice to at least tell someone what you enjoyed about working at a place.
"There is more worth loving than we have strength to love." - Brian Jay Stanley
It's amazing to me how many people don't get the difference between stating an opinion and stating something as fact. I am thinking of a certain Slashdot frequenter who fits that profile.
There is a great deal of legal precedent in that regard. For example, calling someone "an ass" or similar is pretty definitely an opinion, even if it's stated as though it were fact: "You're an ass."
In college law classes there is a rather famous case study from, I think, the 17th century.
A guest at an inn told the innkeeper: "My horse can pisse better ale than you serve here."
The innkeeper sued the customer for slander. The judge ruled: "The accused did not slander the innkeeper. He complimented his horse."
So, while there are lines as to what is acceptable speech and what is not, it pays to be cognizant of where those lines are. And many people have no clue.
I have this same situation where I work. The reason for the gaslighting obviously is that the ahole *wants* me to quit. That is the whole point. So everyone here saying "Quit! Quit!" is just playing into the hopes of the gaslighter. However, finding a job is not so easy anymore, so just giving up because it sucks is not entirely an option. Especially since it tends to happen at every job. (I am a female engineer). What I find works best is just stick to your guns as best you can, diplomatically and logically (What would Spock do?), but since he is in a superior position (lead engineer), I frequently have to 'Disagree but Commit' in the interest of getting things done. If he truly is an ahole - it's not happening only to you. In my case, the ahole has made enemies of all the other teams and departments we interact with. He's a moron who is driving us over a cliff, IMO, but I gotta make a living. I point out the errors in the plans he makes, he pretends he didn't hear or can't understand the reasoning. Eventually I will quit, probably after I hit the two year mark (6 months to go) and then go to another job where another ahole awaits. Or maybe, maybe there is a job with no aholes. I pray for this my entire life, hasn't happened yet. Best of luck.
OK then - jargon and not slang.
I was not aware that it was technical jargon derived from popular culture instead of slang derived from popular culture, and all I have to tell me that is your word (but I do believe you).
Either way is a barrier to communication when used to communicate with people who are not familiar with that jargon or slang unless the definition is conveyed early in the communication.
You still do not understand what I am saying. To do what you propose requires ego. If your will is destructed you cannot perform what you request. There is also enough scientific evidence that people under certain conditions are unable to fight. What you had in your past was someone helping you to develop an ego or you are a natural talent. This is similar to people from a "bad neighborhood" many of them end up being criminals and some of them are able to escape these conditions. However, you are obviously not able to put yourselves in the shoes of someone who lacks ego. Furthermore, you assume people behave logically. They do not. How else could I be so stubborn?
BTW: What has that to do with the left (what ever that is?).
You can irritate your underlings, you can abuse your power in a small company, but in a slightly larger one with Government contracts don't even get caught breaking the law. Not sure if this helps, but there are some things you just can't talk your way out of with upper management. Being a superstar just won't save you when you royally screw up.
Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. I wonder how that happened?
It's the only way to be sure.
Birds are not dinosaur descendants;birds are dinosaurs, for all useful meanings of "birds", "are" and "dinosaurs"
Calling me an ass could be factually correct. For example I'm a mule, which makes me half-ass. (male donkey + female horse)
“Common sense is not so common.” — Voltaire
Take away his lighter and/or ask him to stop eating so much beans.
Beware of the Redittor who loans you a Sharpie.
First thing you should be doing is to put AWAY all your emotional reaction. You need a clear mind to think. The next part is where you really start. Start and think in terms of your economic opportunity.
You need to think the following economic risk benefit analysis. Is(Are) the colleague(s) action(s) resulting in an increase in risk in your economic opportunity (ex: affecting your earning/salary)? And then, does the increase in risk also negatively affect the company profit (your productivity => profit)? If yes, now you have a stand that the company cares and you can start to think whether or not to report (if no, no point in reporting). The clear the negatively effect on company profit, the better the stand. (Think like a kid. When your older bro point finger at you for minor things like eating all the cookies when you didn't. You instead tell mother and prove that he used her wallet for shopping. Since she is very likely to care about her wallet and your bro can't back up his claims, it is an advantage for you.)
Finalize the potential risk of reporting it including no changes with backfire and the potential benefit of reporting with new changes. If the benefit greater than risk, you should report it to higher ups.
It's like the art of war, you counter when you have an advantage. Regardless of he being a superstar, you strike when you have an advantage. That advantage can be a record of anything that gives you the advantage. If you don't have a advantage, it is clearly not your best interest to counter (report) it. In that case, you should just leave and let itself rot. Also, you should NEVER need to confront the colleague doing it, it feels good but you're not doing it because you have an advantage which means NOTHING will change.
My last manager at Google was a gaslighter par excellence. I filed an HR complaint, but he was a director, so they sided with him. He threatened me with a performance improvement plan in order to hold my feet to the flames to force me out of the company (my performance was great). So I quit. Sometimes you literally have no power to fix these sorts of situations. Companies that tolerate (and even protect) these types of behaviors put themselves on a self-harming trajectory.
A dozen things have to go right for a job to contribute to rise of your career, only one has to go wrong for it to become a personal and professional disaster. Like in Poker, you have to quickly fold most hands till you are dealt a very good one.
That said, you may be misreading the situation. So long as you are not too worried about bring to find another job with decent pay, this person has much more to lose than you. Starting to forward any obviously unreasonable/contradictory communication to manager/tech lead could be a great way to make them back off.