Nike Bricks Its Shoes With a Faulty Firmware Update (arstechnica.com)

AmiMoJo writes: Nike users are experiencing some technical difficulties in the wild world of connected footwear. Nike's $350 "Adapt BB" sneakers are the latest in the company's line of self-lacing shoes, and they come with the "Nike Adapt" app for Android and iOS. The app pairs with the shoes and lets you adjust the tightness of the laces, customize the lights (yeah, there are lights), and see, uh, how much battery life your shoes have left. The only problem: Nike's Android app doesn't work. Android users report that their new kicks aren't paring with the app properly, and some customers report failed firmware updates for the shoes, which render them unable to pair with the app at all. "My left shoe won't even reboot." writes one owner.

Comments

So it has come to this

[mccrew]

My left shoe won't even reboot...

Re:So it has come to this

[Kaenneth]

https://i.imgur.com/2CFWiIM.mp...

Re:So it has come to this

[alvinrod]

Tell me about it. Here I was thinking I had problems.

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

I heard of sneaker ware but this is ridiculous.

Re:So it has come to this

[A10Mechanic]

Poor guy, just going in circles now.

Re:So it has come to this

[mccrew]

Heh, I was expecting you to: follow up with this.

Re:So it has come to this

[sinij]

My left shoe won't even reboot...

At least database merge succeeded on the right shoe. A not so small miracle.

Re:So it has come to this

[Lew Perin]

What’s the point of self-lacing bricks anyway?

Re:So it has come to this

[ItsJustAPseudonym]

The right shoe is using MySQL, the left shoe is using Oracle.

You gotta make sure your Oracle license fees are paid, before you go for a run. Also, it is REALLY difficult to get that left shoe off.

Re: So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

Any gag writer would be delighted to come up with this line.

What a joke!

Re:So it has come to this

[Major_Disorder]

My left shoe won't even reboot...

So I guess if it won't reboot, then it must be dead. Don't be too upset though, it is probably in heaven. It turns out shoes have soles.

Re:So it has come to this

[14erCleaner]

But will your right boot reshoe?

Re:So it has come to this

[roc97007]

My left shoe won't even reboot...

I've been waiting all my life to say that.

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

I suggest "my shoe is stuck in a boot cycle". I envision a vicious circle of boots snapping at a panicked shoe.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from satire.

Re:So it has come to this

[roc97007]

The right shoe is using MySQL, the left shoe is using Oracle.

You gotta make sure your Oracle license fees are paid, before you go for a run. Also, it is REALLY difficult to get that left shoe off.

And when you try to install Maria on the right shoe, it wants to install Oracle instead.

Re:So it has come to this

[scdeimos]

It's not dead, it's pining for the fjords.

Re:So it has come to this

[Tablizer]

Poor guy, just going in circles now.

An infinite loop is probably better than endless recursion. Autocannibalism rarely ends well.

By the way, stuck in circles is about how 2/3 of battle-bot tournaments end.

Re:So it has come to this

[supremebob]

I think that the left shoe goes into "foot strangulation" mode if you forget to renew your license after a month. You'll have to amputate your foot to get it off if you don't renew at that point.

Re:So it has come to this

[DontBeAMoran]

Virtual +1 Funny.

Re: So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

Not if Vlad the Impaler were still around. I miss the days when most matches ended with a bot nailed to the arena floor.

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

My wife just told me this was the Kaepernick shoe...it just didn't stand up.

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

What’s the point of self-lacing bricks anyway?

I am sure The Thing would have a use for them.

Re:So it has come to this

[geekmux]

My left shoe won't even reboot...

Normally I'm rather dismissive of the smart-asses who try and dismiss this as "First World Problems", but fuck me if that doesn't fit like a fucking glove...

Re: So it has come to this

[Tablizer]

There was something fun about old-school bots that were slow, bloated, and easy to smash.

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

Now you can look like Tom Hanks!

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

Have you tried taking it off an' putting it on again?

Re:So it has come to this

[budsetr]

does it blend?

Re:So it has come to this

[hcs_$reboot]

So I guess if it won't reboot, then it must be dead

Not dead. Bricked..

Re:So it has come to this

[cdsparrow]

You also have to be careful not to cut your JTAG off your new pillows and mattress or you might not be able to update their fluffiness properly...

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

Maybe he should have bought boots; then at least it would probably reboot!

Re: So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

the best future story is when a knucklehead decides to carjack an old lady and they leave their cellphone at home so they can't be electronically placed at the crime scene... only to forget to leave their networked e-shoes at home

Re:So it has come to this

[Highdude702]

Have to say... Your sig.. Man it is annoying to hear plebs say "forward" slash. Or when people say backslash and they are talking about a normal slash.. Sucks being a nerd sometimes..

Re:So it has come to this

[Highdude702]

Yea, just cut the sole open to get to the JTAG header and flash it. O.o Good as new!

Re:So it has come to this

[Highdude702]

lol

Re:So it has come to this

[GoTeam]

The only time I say forward slash is when I say "slash" and the person asks which one. It's just not worth the fight sometimes.

Re:So it has come to this

[Darinbob]

This would be funny if it weren't true. No wait. It is funny. Not even the most highly LSD fueled scifi writer in the 70s could have predicted this outcome for humanity.

Re:So it has come to this

[sjames]

The gloves are bricked too....

High school headlines next year, Nerd's revenge, entire football team hacked and pantsed at the same time.

Re:So it has come to this

[smoot123]

but fuck me if that doesn't fit like a fucking glove...

Sneaker. Fits like a good sneaker. And you're not wrong.

Re:So it has come to this

[nawcom]

Have to say... Your sig.. Man it is annoying to hear plebs say "forward" slash. Or when people say backslash and they are talking about a normal slash.. Sucks being a nerd sometimes..

I suppose they don't fully comprehend us humans' perception of a line leaning forward (right) and backward (left) on a 2D plane, which is pretty sad. You don't have to be smart - you just have to be, well, human. It's wired into our way of thinking. I as well can't think of how many times I've heard someone read a URL and call them backslashes.

Re: So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

slow, bloated, and [smashed].

That's how my wife describes me when she's angry.

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

He should be Lucky it is not his left foot that won't reboot.

Re:So it has come to this

[Falos]

Most conventions do that on their 1D space. Reading order is L2R, so that alone defaults the lean's not-so-arbitrary name as "forward", but number lines (cartesian planes, etc) tend to grow L2R, and video games (esp platformers) are almost purely L2R=forward preference.

Human DNA evolved to favor right-handed development, so L2R writing is favored (trails output script, i.e. no smudging)

Since I'm four replies deep in nerds bullshitting about dumb nerd stuff, let's mention that handedness theory is mostly based on the heart. At first it was shrugs like "left arm carries shield and protects heart, right is armed" but newer thoughts aim further back: It stemmed from females who left-armed babes, who would be quieter (ie stealthier, more successful right-arm throw-hunting results) when sensing a heartbeat. A metronome known to have a primal effect on infants recently suffused by them, nonstop, for nine months. Which allows the next nerd derail to be abortion or something.

Re:So it has come to this

[bill_mcgonigle]

My left shoe won't even reboot...

You're in the wrong runlevel.

Re:So it has come to this

[CWCheese]

Do you think a reboot will fix Zion Williamson's shoe?

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

He means franga, literally.

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

Shouldn't that be "my left won't even reshoe?

Re:So it has come to this

[Waccoon]

User error. He probably lost the Kickstart disk.

Re: So it has come to this

[Billly Gates]

No but Vladimir Putin https://www.youtube.com/playli..."> wearing them?!!

Re:So it has come to this

[Lucan Wai]

Priceless

Re:So it has come to this

[Calydor]

I wonder who the sole heir is.

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

I would bet my shirt that creimer was involved somehow in the conception of this product.

It sounds so typical of his useless long tail schemes.

Re: So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

First world problem if there ever was one

Re: So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

"My left shoe won't even reboot..."
Try holding Ctrl alt delete.

Re:So it has come to this

[rtb61]

Slash, gees you seppos are crude https://www.urbandictionary.co... as for forward and backward slash, well, the mind boggles.

I have heard of concrete shoes https://www.urbandictionary.co... but brick ones, surely you feet would burn off first ?!?

Re:So it has come to this

[Highdude702]

dafuq you got from slashes to abortion? How high are you?

Re: So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes.

Re:So it has come to this

[Megane]

At least it didn't crash.

Re:So it has come to this

[Chris Mattern]

Reading order is L2R

Unless, of course, you're Israeli, or an Arab, or Chinese...

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

With the charging port no longer usable, I'm forced to charge them with my wireless charging "coaster." Only, since I'm a size 14, only one shoe will fit at a time, and I usually fall asleep before it's time to swap them out.
So one day, I'll be walking in left-hand circles, and the next day, I'll be walking in right-hand circles!

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

CONGRATULATIONS: nice new /. meme (my left shoe won't even reboot). I can see it everywhere.

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

You talkin to yourself again, dude? You've had enough tonight. Sleep it off.

Re:So it has come to this

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, but that was in the context of URL fields.

I also tried to hat tip other languages with "L2R writing is favored".

Firmware... for SHOES?

[cmdr_klarg]

One more thing on the list of Things That Should Not Have Software.

Re:Firmware... for SHOES?

[cayenne8]

One more thing on the list of Things That Should Not Have Software.

Yeah...color me old fashioned, and a fuddy-duddy....

But I'm leaning towards keeping my footwear (and clothing) purely analog, and manual.

Re: Firmware... for SHOES?

[Anonymous Coward]

Please tell me this shoes firmware thing is a hoax.

Re:Firmware... for SHOES?

[Anonymous Coward]

Except bras. Definitely, bras should have software for literal logical and physical firmware. And Bluetooth. They will be cracked/hacked before you can finish reading this post.

Re:Firmware... for SHOES?

[samwichse]

IIRC the power lacing Nikes were developed with input from Michael J Fox, who obviously has trouble tying shoes. I remember the release of the Nike Air Mags from Back to the Future had all the profits going to a Parkinsons research charity. They were making a big deal about accessibility for the disabled... I'm guessing a nice phone app with big buttons would be preferred for adjustments than some tiny buttons somewhere on the shoes themselves.

So yeah, I think this is a fine idea. But if you buy them and don't have a disability, you're probably helping with economies of scale in manufacturing like people with actual gluten allergies now have lots of options to choose from because of people with trendy gluten allergies.

Zion Williamson

[ardmhacha]

So is that what happened to Zion Williamson?

https://www.npr.org/2019/02/21... ...And then a mere 33 seconds into the game, on a routine play, Williamson dribbled near the foul line when his left leg buckled, his left blue-and-white Nike sneaker ripped apart at the seams and he tumbled to the floor, grabbing his right knee in pain....

Re:Zion Williamson

[Anonymous Coward]

That wasn't a self-lacing shoe. As an athlete you'd have to be an idiot to use such a thing as this article talks about. It only adds weight and failure points.

Re:Zion Williamson

[rogoshen1]

Because people who spend upwards $350 on non-dress shoes that may or may not be able to lace themselves are paragons of critical thinking and common sense... Being an athlete is irrelevant.

Re:Zion Williamson

[Archangel Michael]

I'm pretty sure that the sneakers were given to the program by Nike, or at least at a VERY steep discount from Retail. They are Promotional Items for Nike.

Re:Zion Williamson

[Anonymous Coward]

That's what happens when you drivel in excess.

Re:Zion Williamson

[Anonymous Coward]

So is that what happened to Zion Williamson?

No, no. His shoes worked fine after a reboot.

Re:Zion Williamson

[roc97007]

I'm pretty sure that the sneakers were given to the program by Nike, or at least at a VERY steep discount from Retail. They are Promotional Items for Nike.

Probably less so when they explode and cause knee injuries to players.

Re:Zion Williamson

[lgw]

his left blue-and-white Nike sneaker ripped apart at the seams and he tumbled to the floor, grabbing his right knee in pain....

Nike just took a knee.

Re:Zion Williamson

[Anonymous Coward]

nike pays (the coach, and the school), extremely well, for the privilege of having their logos plastered on athlete apparel. little did they know that the gear provided was made to dollar store quality standards by south-east asian children working for pennies-per-day, just like their retail products (and nba jerseys).

Re:Zion Williamson

[Anonymous Coward]

Rascist!!!!!!

Re:Zion Williamson

[Anonymous Coward]

The kid that stitched that shoe probably hit puberty early. I'm sure he or she tried to hide the growing hands, but every Nike cobbler has a short shelf life.

Re:Zion Williamson

[Anonymous Coward]

Nike is garbage, and always has been.
It has become a brand name only. Not quality.

I have bought, and have had other people bought me Nike items for 2x the price. Only to later show them a cheaper alternative of better quality.

Well, here we are guys

[BringsApples]

And here we will be, soon.

Re: Well, here we are guys

[Anonymous Coward]

Go to deep urban areas. We already are. I had a fat black middle aged woman almost assault me in a Walmart because she asked for something while we were both in the checkout line and I said, âoeYes, maâ(TM)am.â She starts raising her voice at me saying, âoeMaâ(TM)am! I ainâ(TM)t no maâ(TM)am! Iâ(TM)m a black woman!â The entire checkout area got quiet for a few seconds while everyone just stared at her.

Re:Well, here we are guys

[DontBeAMoran]

Don't worry, scrote. There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives.

I for one submit to our new show overlords

[Anonymous Coward]

Wait, why do my shoes control me and why can't I reboot them? I will not submit!!! Go away evil shoe overlords!!! Go away!

Definition

[SuperKendall]

My left shoe won't even reboot...

Well there's your problem, you should try to re-shoe.

Re:Definition

[Anonymous Coward]

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!

April fools?

[Fly Swatter]

Seriously, this is something that would have bean an excellent joke article merely 10 years ago. Now it is reality - man, upper echelon first world problems.

Re:April fools?

[Anonymous Coward]

The most ironic thing about it being "upper echelon first world problems" is the people experiencing these problems will be claiming they are dirt poor and beaten down by the man.

Firmware for shoes...

[slipped_bit]

... WTF has this world come to?

Re:Firmware for shoes...

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm sure it tracks its wearers somehow as well, in order to target ads.

Re:Firmware for shoes...

[Anonymous Coward]

RGB lighting improves sales for all things under the sun due to the added lizard-brain stimulus. The controller of those needs firmware.

Re:Firmware for shoes...

[DontBeAMoran]

I tried ad targeting, but the cops arrested me for shooting at billboards.

Re:Firmware for shoes...

[Anonymous Coward]

The controller of those needs firmware.

Maybe so, but why does that controller need firmware updates?

Re:Firmware for shoes...

[thegarbz]

... WTF has this world come to?

The pinnacle of technological development it would seem.

Re:Firmware for shoes...

[Anonymous Coward]

They probably found a vulnerability in their app and firmware interface, patched it and collected the customer information from the app in the progress for that loyalty bonus achievement.

Re:Firmware for shoes...

[evil_aaronm]

As a runner and a cyclist of little repute, I understand the need for data: You can't really improve if you don't track your performance, and for that you need data. Cycling computers, Strava, and FitBits, among other devices - power measuring crank arms for bikes are pretty big, lately - are useful, but, yeah, firmware for your shoes is more than a little absurd. Do I need turn signals on my shoes? Can I not manually tie my shoes to my own satisfaction? Ugh...

Re:Firmware for shoes...

[Anonymous Coward]

Cycling computers, Strava, and FitBits, among other devices...

Are expensive toys of marginal value. Athletes have been measuring performance for ages with nothing but stop watches and analog crap. If you want to spend money on techie bullshit, that's fine, but the average schmuck doesn't need complex, precise data to prolong life and stave off obesity and heart attack.

Shoe Lacing, but not as I have ever known it

[damn_registrars]

I can't say I've ever had a day where I've felt a need to adjust the tension of my shoe laces multiple times. Nor have I really found a time where I couldn't just get it right myself and get out the door. Who is this product really targeting? I could see it being useful for people with mobility issues or diabetes perhaps - as they may have serious disabilities that would impair their ability to tie their own shoes - but that doesn't seem to be Nike's target audience here.

Re:Shoe Lacing, but not as I have ever known it

[Anonymous Coward]

I can't say I've ever had a day where I've felt a need to adjust the tension of my shoe laces multiple times. Nor have I really found a time where I couldn't just get it right myself and get out the door. Who is this product really targeting? I could see it being useful for people with mobility issues or diabetes perhaps - as they may have serious disabilities that would impair their ability to tie their own shoes - but that doesn't seem to be Nike's target audience here.

Sorry, you totally don't understand marketing. People are wearing the kind of shoes and eating the kind of food suitable for the life style they wished they'd be leading. Sports shirts and sweaters and training suits and running shoes cannot afford to forego the XXXXXXXXL market unable to tie their own show laces and quaffing energy drinks. They are willing to do everything an athlet does except, naturally, sports.

Re:Shoe Lacing, but not as I have ever known it

[msauve]

"Who is this product really targeting?"

People with more money than sense. You really didn't get that?

Re:Shoe Lacing, but not as I have ever known it

[Highdude702]

Maybe hes one of the targetees and doesn't yet know.

Re:Shoe Lacing, but not as I have ever known it

[damn_registrars]

Maybe hes one of the targetees and doesn't yet know.

Not at $350, I'm not. I've barely spent $350 on shoes for myself in the past five years, I'm certainly not going to spend that much on one pair. That and I likely don't own a phone new enough to pair with them anyways, so they likely wouldn't be worth anything to me since apparently you cannot tie them yourself.

Re:Shoe Lacing, but not as I have ever known it

[Anonymous Coward]

Cyclists on road bikes have highly adjustable strap based shoes so that they can loosen them on the flats and tighten them for climbs, or loosen them as they heat up and their feet swell. I could see there being a case for auto-adjusting shoes in those situations so you wouldn't have to reach down off the bars during a critical moment in a climb if your shoes suddenly feels too tight or loose. But, truth be told, outside of the professional level, I can't see the reason for it. I've never been so dead-out that I couldn't reach down and press the strap clip for a second.

Re:Shoe Lacing, but not as I have ever known it

[samwichse]

"Who is this product really targeting?"

Initially it was the physically disabled.

I'm sorry but this is stupid

[oldgraybeard]

tennis shoes? "Nike Bricks Its Shoes With a Faulty Firmware Update" guess that is why they cost what they do. One wonders if the are running Windows XP embedded, that has not quite reached it's EOL.

Just my 2 cents ;)

Re:I'm sorry but this is stupid

[Anonymous Coward]

tennis shoes? "Nike Bricks Its Shoes With a Faulty Firmware Update" guess that is why they cost what they do. One wonders if the are running Windows XP embedded, that has not quite reached it's EOL.

A timeout was called since one player suffered from a blue sock and needed to cold boot. He called for assistance by tapping his heels three times together and was taken to Kansas.

2019

[squiggleslash]

Welcome to 2019 people. Also, people are up in arms already about their cellphones tracking them, but at least cellphones and the networks need to have some idea of where they are in the world - there's no such excuse for shoes to contain this level of computer technology...

Tracy Kidder should write this one up

[DulcetTone]

The Sole of a New Machine

Re:Tracy Kidder should write this one up

[Anonymous Coward]

There's already "The Soul of a New Cuisine", which I believe is completely unintentional.

Re:Tracy Kidder should write this one up

[Anonymous Coward]

Just Brick It.

Indemnification clause

[bguthro]

Should have read the ShEULA. It was in the print.

Re:Indemnification clause

[tsstahl]

Yea, sure, but the footprints are behind you! Besides, everyone walks through the EULA without treading.

Technology

[Anonymous Coward]

My Dryer's WiFi will not connect, so I have to air dry.
The Washer will not get anymore updates, so I have to wash in the sink.
The TV wants a firmware update and is waiting to boot.
The Dishwasher hasn't worked in days, since the bluetooth gave out.
The heating system doesn't pair with the app, and it's freezing in here.
The smart lights are no longer supported, so I moved to candles.
My left shoe doesn't pair, the right shoe is in a boot-loop, my smart belt needs a new battery, my smart glasses need me to accept a EULA I can't read.

Aint technology awesome!

Re:Technology

[Anonymous Coward]

That's so funny.
after reading your post my thoughts were with Technology heading this way we are will be heading into the dark ages again.
Is that the goal?

Re:Technology

[roc97007]

The heating system doesn't pair with the app, and it's freezing in here.

I believe this has actually happened.

Re: Technology

[Anonymous Coward]

If your heating system isn't working, you should fire it.

Paring?

[Drunkulus]

Well, it does pass spellcheck.

Re:Paring?

[Anonymous Coward]

"new kicks aren't paring with the app properly" - bad technique or perhaps the app isn't sharp enough

Re:Paring?

[Hognoxious]

Ooooh, that was a cutting remark.

Reboot?

[Anonymous Coward]

Shouldnâ(TM)t that be re-boot?

Re: Reboot?

[Anonymous Coward]

Try the three toe salute!

IS THIS FING MARKETING ? IS THIS A CLEVER AD ?

[Anonymous Coward]

IS THIS FING MARKETING ? Is this a clever advertisement ?

nice one slashdot

Re:IS THIS FING MARKETING ? IS THIS A CLEVER AD ?

[roc97007]

If so, it doesn't work very well as an ad. What this tells me is that I'd be crazy to consider the product.

Re:IS THIS FING MARKETING ? IS THIS A CLEVER AD ?

[Anonymous Coward]

This article provides no motivation to purchase a FING.

I get fail often, fail fast

[H3lldr0p]

but how does one think that a product like a shoe should leave the factory in a state where it would need a firmware update? That seems to be the absolute minimum of release conditions because who would ever want to have to be the tech support on that call?!

Re:I get fail often, fail fast

[bobbied]

I can tell you don't sell technology to the retail market... Best a product producer can hope for is a bullet proof firmware update process these days... Working out of the box? We ain't got no time for that kind of testing.

Re:I get fail often, fail fast

[sjames]

Apparently Nike NEEDS bullet proof shoes since shooting themselves in the foot is clearly a possability.

Landfill

[kackle]

The app pairs with the shoes and lets you adjust the tightness of the laces, customize the lights (yeah, there are lights), and see, uh, how much battery life your shoes have left.

Yay! More pointless, poisonous, future landfill.

Hey McFly...

[sirsky]

Your shoe's untied! Didn't they already do this once and didn't they learn anything?

Re:Hey McFly...

[Scarletdown]

Shoe laces of the world, untie!!!

gah

[Anonymous Coward]

The future is stupid.

Re:gah

[bobbied]

The future is stupid.

The future is NOW!

Message for Nike

[OneHundredAndTen]

Many are going to be solely disappointed.

Re:Message for Nike

[bobbied]

... And give them the boot...

What next

[The Snazster]

Kohler already makes an 8 thousand dollar toilet that occasionally has to be rebooted. We are heading for the internet of things (IoT) are we not?

Re:What next

[msauve]

Rebooting is better than having to deal with a memory leak. But, I think flushing the cache is the proper way to handle it.

Re:What next

[Anonymous Coward]

The way to deal with an overflowing smart toilet is simple.. Ctrl-P.

Re:What next

[Anonymous Coward]

Internet of $hit!

New BSOD

[lys1123]

So I guess we're going to start seeing BSOD (Blue Sole of Death) now?

Re:New BSOD

[Anonymous Coward]

So I guess we're going to start seeing BSOD (Blue Sole of Death) now?

It's "Black Sole of Death". Whoever calls a halibut blue does not know what they are talking about.

Re:New BSOD

[Megane]

Check the news about Zion Williamson. Maybe not death yet, but injury is a good start!

I love the 21st Century

[david_thornley]

Man, there's always something new and interesting coming up.

android bluetooth issue

[Anonymous Coward]

Android bluetooth support is horrible. Look at how many apps get very low reviews on the play store due to bluetooth connection issues. Some of my devices I simply have to use an iOS to work with since the android connection is so flaky.

Kimmel

[Anonymous Coward]

Had a hilarious spoof on this. They went down to the street and had people put on regular shoes. Then the reporter would ask questions like can you feel the laces getting tighter? They kept upping the ante. Eventually they were telling people they were heated and cooled and had adjustable arch support. Every single person said they were getting warmer, cooler, or firmer in the arches. Hilarious. People are just stupid.

F Nike in the A

[nwaack]

Overpriced shoes
Underpaid workers
Colin Kaepernick, virtue signalling, SJW'ing
Zion Williamson's show blowing up
...and now this.

Re:F Nike in the A

[Anonymous Coward]

Colin Kaepernick was legitimately protesting. Virtue signaling is when you let people know how politically correct you are without risking anything like, you know, your NFL career.

Re:F Nike in the A

[samwichse]

I think they mean Nike is using CK to virtue signal, not that CK is virtue signalling.

Not exactly

[Ecuador]

Not exactly, in this case it wasn't an update, but a firmware bug. They missed some bounds checking or something so they players foot ended up beyond the container (shoe) space.

When it rains it poors

[Tablizer]

Seems Nike is having software, hardware, and financial problems of late.

Reality has clearly overtaken satire

[ffkom]

"Shoes with firmware" are so stupid and hilarious that people would dismiss them as unrealistic nonsense even in a comedy movie.

Re:Reality has clearly overtaken satire

[Anonymous Coward]

Shoes with firmware are okay so long as the firmware support a function non-essential to the use of the shoe as footwear. For example, a GPS built into the show might make sense for certain fitness conscious people or for people who need to be located (very young children, adventurers, mountain climbers).

Re:Reality has clearly overtaken satire

[Anonymous Coward]

The problem with e-shoes is: how do you externalize your backups?

Re:Reality has clearly overtaken satire

[Anonymous Coward]

I wonder if they can run... Linux?

wow Justine Bateman didn't age well....

[Anonymous Coward]

"Give me a Pepsi Free"

Re: wow Justine Bateman didn't age well....

[Anonymous Coward]

"If you want a Pepsi pal, you're gonna have to pay for it!" :P

Re: wow Justine Bateman didn't age well....

[Anonymous Coward]

"You actually have to use your hands for that?? It's like a baby's toy!" xD

Step in to Crapware (TM)

[Anonymous Coward]

I need some crapware for my footwear.

But the ...

[Anonymous Coward]

Unauthenticated "tie shoe laces together" command is absolutely hilarious. Load the Nike Shoe App on your phone and go for a walk in the park. You can issue the "tie shoe laces together" command and watch people all over the place go tumbling down mid-stride.

It is hilarious!

a country boy will survive

[Thud457]

you've got a good start on a 21st century country song, finish it!

When happens when a shoe gets bricked?

[fustakrakich]

Does it stick to the ground? You can't move? What? Will they replace the classic mafia cinder blocks?

Re:When happens when a shoe gets bricked?

[gweihir]

You cannot tie it. Pretty bad ;-)

How's this help my workout?

[smoot123]

I've heard of strapping weights to your ankles to get a more intense workout. Do bricked shoes count? Maybe I should run with real bricks.

New Nike slogan

[reboot246]

Just glue it!

Re:New Nike slogan

[evil_aaronm]

Wouldn't that be, "Just reboot it!"?

Re:New Nike slogan

[evil_aaronm]

Oh, hey, name checks out. How do ya like that?

LOL .. it's all shit ...

[Anonymous Coward]

Android users report that their new kicks aren't paring with the app properly, and some customers report failed firmware updates for the shoes, which render them unable to pair with the app at all. "My left shoe won't even reboot."

Dear fucking lord, apps that don't pair, failed firmware, and shoes that won't reboot ... maybe, just maybe, Nike should stick to their core competencies?

This is just another company pushing out some connected gimmick, and doing a half-ass job of it.

Why am I betting they outsourced the app and the firmware, and have no idea what they're actually going? Bet in addition to being crap, it's also designed to upload your information like mad.

No thanks, you can keep your connected shit, I don't need a fucking app to tie my shoes.

Zion Williamson can lose it all scholarship, healt

[Joe_Dragon]

Zion Williamson can lose it all scholarship, healthcare, future in the nba.
And they don't even need to pay for workers compensation as well.

NBA had a Nike failure at start of game; related?

[Anonymous Coward]

dun, dun, dunnnnnn

Crappy Software

[Anonymous Coward]

Why would it even need a firmware update in the first place? The listed features are so basic it should have been correct from the start.

Nike isn't a software company. I'd bet money their firmware upgrade process isn't secure. It would suck walking by a trash can and suddenly discovering your expensive shoes can no longer untie themselves and let go of your foot. Worse if they just start tightening and tightening.

Though since they're wireless, expect new footwear tracking features at your local big-named store.

In Soviet Union Russia

[Billly Gates]

Shoes tie You!

Re:In Soviet Union Russia

[Anonymous Coward]

That link caused an unknown error for me.

Let me be among those who say: Hahahahahaha!

[gweihir]

Stupid customers buying from stupid company and getting what they deserve. A rare instance of Karma working.

seems like a bad idea

[Anonymous Coward]

What if a rouge Bluetooth device connects to the shoe. They would have full control of the lace tightness and the lighting. They could even check the remaining battery life without you even knowing. Something tells me fancy bear may have all ready hacked these shoes and os just waiting to use them to steal the next presidential election

reminds me of

[Anonymous Coward]

A stupid commercial I saw for a desk that raised and lowered. Instead of an d up and down button on the side it instead used an app to do it. Home much fun would it be to hack you co workers desk and make it go up and down all the time. Them hack I to his shoe and start tighting and loosing it. Take office hijinks to a new level

Isn't tech wonderful!

[Anonymous Coward]

I just love it when tech is used for no good reason but to be a marketing gimmick. Then they can't even properly test firmware before releasing to the public. Coming from a company who praises fictional made up hero's I guess this is expected.

Re:Isn't tech wonderful!

[shortscruffydave]

Seems to be standard practice nowadays - solve a problem that nobody has, and make a product worse.

Language Nike used to shoot itself in the foot?

[shanen]

One must ask "What language did Nike use to program shooting itself in the foot?"

Another obligatory reference: http://www.toodarkpark.org/com...

(It's a fairly comprehensive list of languages, even including some of the young whippersnappers like Python.)

Tee hee

[lu-darp]

ROFL Haven't laughed so hard in days! :-) Reminds me of crap like oh, internet-connected BBQs! turn it on remotely! What could possibly go wrong? Even as a geed the attraction for putting technology where it doesn't belong astounds me. Simple is best.

Where do they sell those?

[Anonymous Coward]

A brick and mortar store seems the appropriate place for such a shoe.

Re: You're the most boring faggot in the world Ken

[Anonymous Coward]

Faggot troll sure does have a woody for SuperKendall. Negging him like a PUA trying to get attention from a girl out of his league.

Clear cause

[Anonymous Coward]

Obviously it wont reboot, its a shoe not a boot.

38 days early.

[sabbede]

Wait, it's not an April Fools joke? Are you sure? Doesn't it really have to be? Shouldn't it be?

Once again...

[Chris Mattern]

"Just because you can, doesn't mean you should."

How things have changed

[Stan92057]

Man when i was a kid Converse high tops were the Snickers to get. How things have changed.

"My left shoe won't even reboot."

[rnturn]

Sounds like something Racter might have come up with.

Back to the Future

[Mr. Spock]

Marty McFly would be so proud.

Re:You're the most boring faggot in the world Kend

[webmistressrachel]

Funny mods don't help Karma, and it's a funny quip. Deal with your jealousy some other way, please....