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I get most of my news from "The Economist"

Oooh, Look At Me, I Read The Economist!

Maybe President Bush can double check...he apparently saved taxpayers millions by catching an error in some calculations over at Fermi labs.

Well, Disgruntled Ninja Silently Kills 12 Co-Workers

Well that city seems to love the losers named Pirates. Even the stadium threatened to leave the city if better team is not found. Still they keep the Pirates. So the city is sending a clear message to the world. Are you a loser? Are you named Pirates? Welcome. You are now a honorory Pittsburgher

It was really funny. Until we found out that it had been lifted from another source without attribution. That's disrespectful. That doesn't merit +5 (anything). That deserves a -1 (uncool).

This is not a copyright rant. It's a give-credit-where-credit's-due rant.

No, but I got a flashback to this: F**k everything, we're doing five blades.

Get it from the source :)

How dare you mock the proven theory of Intelligent Falling by calling it "Creative Gravity!" Ignorant heathens like you will burn in *insert favorite purgatory* for depending upon such blasphemous science to explain His will.

The Ghost Of Christmas Future taunted me with this last year. He had Playstation 5 hooked up. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27607

people like myself that won't buy *anything* from Apple

You sound like this guy.

In the words of the great Jimmy James, "Hey, thanks, college, no one really cares."

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28694/

I hear AMD is going with 5 cores.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

Sadist? Possibly. But He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

WASHINGTON, DC--President Bush announced Monday that he'll encourage Congress to back his new education initiative, the Microsoft Bob Left Behind Act. "It is my goal to close the achievement gap in our schools with accountability, flexibility, and choice, so that no child is left behind--except for Microsoft Bob of Redmond, WA," Bush said at a White House press conference. "By 2014, I plan to see a significant jump in the math, reading, and science proficiency of 99.9999 percent of America's students. The children, excluding Bob, are our future." Bush was inspired to leave Bob behind after the child threw up all over the merry-go-round last week. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/32934

Speaking of Klingon, I'd be remiss if I didn't replay this classic Onion gem. (Sad, but probably true).

Intelligent falling: not just for Wile E. Coyote anymore!

Once again, The Onion gets there first: Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

Who can forget when they patented 1's and 0's? Sorry, couldn't resist.

It's a patent on automatically providing all of the different possible conjugation forms of any verb on the fly, which is something I, for one, haven't seen before and think could be pretty useful...

I used to buy into the "defense mechanism" garbage but not anymore. It used to be that stoic people are looked up to, but, really, using jokes to deal with September 11th?

Yes, people were using jokes to deal with September 11. See the Onion's utterly brilliant 1st issue after the attack. As Mark Twain said:

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

From August 31, 2005: Larry Page: "This fall, we'll unveil Google Sound, which will record and index all the noise on Earth. Is your baby sleeping soundly? Does your high-school sweetheart still talk about you? Google will have the answers."

This is Over a year old Although they don't mention the noice-cancellation satellites in the story above.

I don't envy the Wikipedia designers one bit.

That seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Ooh, imagine if this material instead of displaying useless slogans would instead be like some sort of twisted "mood" ring that would over time display who you really are?

If we could only get everyone to wear it then maybe Bush and co. could find the "real" terrorists.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30570 [theonion.com]

Unfortunately for them, it's too late. There's a whole generation of people like me who have -zero- interest in TV of any kind, and probably never will again. There simply isn't anything on TV worth watching. Everything on TV (yes, including Discovery channel, History channel, etc.) all appeals to the lowest common denominator. Cable has completely failed to offer anything of any real interest from what I've seen. I only use a cell phone, and my business has a partial T-1. I haven't written a check to a cable company for about 10 years now, and I don't miss them one bit.

Of course, that being said, people like me are a *tiny* minority. The masses are as dumb as ever and will continue to buy whatever cable companies throw at them. They just don't have the market that they could have if they actually tried to have content that appealed to people with an IQ of over 80.

Jonathan Green, is that you?

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28694

Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own A Television

February 9, 2000 | Issue 3604

CHAPEL HILL, NC-Area resident Jonathan Green does not own a television, a fact he repeatedly points out to friends, family, and coworkers-as well as to his mailman, neighborhood convenience-store clerks, and the man who cleans the hallways in his apartment building.

"I, personally, would rather spend my time doing something useful than watch television," Green told a random woman Monday at the Suds 'N' Duds Laundromat, noticing the establishment's wall-mounted TV. "I don't even own one."

According to Melinda Elkins, a coworker of Green's at The Frame Job, a Chapel Hill picture-frame shop, Green steers the conversation toward television whenever possible, just so he can mention not owning one.

"A few days ago, [store manager] Annette [Haig] was saying her new contacts were bothering her," Elkins said. "The second she said that, I knew Jonathan would pounce. He was like, 'I didn't know you had contacts, Annette. Are your eyes bad? That a shame. I'm really lucky to have almost perfect vision. I'm guessing it's because I don't watch TV. In fact, I don't even own one."

According to Elkins, "idiot box" is Green's favorite derogatory term for television.

"He uses that one a lot," she said. "But he's got other ones, too, like 'boob tube' and 'electronic babysitter.'"

Elkins said Green always makes sure to read the copies of Entertainment Weekly and People lying around the shop's break room, "just so he can point out all the stars and shows he's never heard of."

"Last week, in one of the magazines, there was a picture of Calista Flockhart," Elkins said, "and Jonathan announced, 'I have absolutely no idea who this woman is. Calista who? Am I supposed to have heard of her? I'm sorry, but I haven't.'"

Tony Gerela, who lives in the apartment directly below Green's and occasionally chats with the 37-year-old by the mailboxes, is well aware of his neighbor's disdain for television.

"About a week after I met him, we were talking, and I made some kind of Simpsons reference," Gerela said. "He asked me what I was talking about, and when I told him it was from a TV show, he just went off, saying how the last show he watched was some episode of Cheers, and even then, he could only watch for about two minutes before having to shut it off because it insulted his intelligence so terribly."

Added Gerela: "Once, I made the mistake of saying I saw something on the news, and he started in with, 'Saw the news? I don't know about you, but I read the news."

Green has lived without television since 1989, when his then-girlfriend moved out and took her set with her.

"When Claudia went, the TV went with her," Green said. "But instead of just going out and buying another one-which I certainly could have afforded, that wasn't the issue-I decided to stand up to the glass tea

281 comments and no link to the Captain Bananas article? Now that's obscene. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29083

They had this years ago!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29225/

From Palo Alto in 1999.... ""Early e-toilets forced users to keep a lot of windows open, so e-dumpers lacked the kind of privacy you want while doing your business," said designer Peter Cheng, a self-described "whiz kid"

Don't forget this classic from The Onion.

GMD

Hard to believe nobody has posted this yet, but the direct link to the study is here.

I know you!

This research
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/45360

Sorry about that. I thought you were refering to this article: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/45360&rss=1 That will teach me not to post before the morning coffee and torture.

We already knew that dolphins are stupid, especially on land...

Dolphins are also not so intelligent on land.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28315

Dr. Freud recommends cocaine as morphine relief.

Are you this guy?

Are you this guy?

... and with policies like this, we should all be afraid, very afraid.

Anyway, I have seen just about every one of the "fake news" infomercials. Being a nightowl helps. Anyway, should be obvious to anyone that these are fake. The begining and the end of the infomercials have disclaimers that affirm their paid commericial status. I think that they should have disclaimers on the bottom of the screen that remind channel surfers of this fact, but overall they are not well hidden.

Hey Mods, guess what? By modding this comment up and making three easy payments of $19.99, you will have expended less than $60! Mod now! Apply directly to forehead! Apply directly to forehead! Apply directly to forehead!

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Cores

It depends, will Gosling announce a "Five Year Everybody Dies Plan"?

Wow. You have my sympathy.

Kind of reminds me of the onion article... ;-)

Let's hope this is the final nail in the coffin for the theory of 'intelligent falling' proposed as an alternative to gravity.

Well that's fucking secure - chalk up another one for security through stupidity.

Ya know, there is not a thing that Homeland Security has done that has made us more secure. Even the one or two instances where they actually tracked down a terrorist cell instead of wasting government money on vacations and useless Katrina relief trailers could easily have been done by the individual agencies themselves.

It's almost difficult to fathom what anyone that requires this shit is thinking. There is no evaulation of technology, and a complete lack of understanding of security. Unfortunately, those that make the decisions often disregard for political reasons the constant cries of the actual technology folks in those agencies that actually point out these flaws. Unfortunately, their cries fall on deaf ears (although, a big thanks for not giving up the good fight). But politics outweighs information, and RFID gets put into passports, despite the overwhelming evidence that they are a very bad idea.

Almost all of this is politically motivated now, in one of two avenues - to "appear" to be taking some action to protect security, or in an effort to more easily collect information on anyone that steps foot one into this country - be ye citizen or visitor.

Checks and balances, being the glory of the past but just about dead now, make sure that these unilateral decisions can be made without any oversite. And with Bush just giving himself more power (a parody, but eerily poignant) there is no end in site to this stupidity.

Then you'd better get to work on the article celebrated here.

You poor, misguided, soul! You are sadly misguided if you think the "theory" of gravity is uncontroversial.

Of all the candidates, they would uphold the ideals set forth by our founding fathers George Washington, George Jefferson, and ***ERIC IS A FAG***.

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