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Microsoft Certified Professional Action Figures
Ego writes "Ever want to have your very own Microsoft Certified Professional Action Figure?" 'Jump into action with Dan, Kim, and Nate your desktop buddies,' the ad says. One can only imagine what Destro and the Baroness would do to these three guys if they couldn't keep the network up.
Do people really want Microsoft that bad? Maybe is is more like the 'candy cigarettes' i had as a hid? Sick.
My personal dream has come true! I can now die a happy man.
:)
.... at least they're cheaper than Pokemon
This comment is guaranteed*
*not guaranteed
Cool! Now we can be like Sid from Toy Story!
*whips out magnifying glass*
--red
I though Microsoft Certified Peons should have a pet monkey (typewritter sold seperately), would give the cartoon series the gimick it needs.
Wonder if these can double as voodoo dolls?
It's turtles all the way down.
According to my mom, all action figures have one thing in common: The people they depict DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST... :)
Any technology which is distinguishable from magic is not sufficiently advanced.
There's no 'Bill' figure ;(
And I had so many plans about what I could do with one.
EZ
-'Press Ctrl-Alt-Del to log in..'
"Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers." - Hobbes
OpenSource Toys.
A TUX that transforms into a huge battlecruiser.
The BSD daemon that with a bit of slight of hand changes into a tank.
A Linus (tm) Action figure with special coding action
A Sig11 Doll with fearsome Karma power
A CmdrTaco model, which is sometimes late...
We could even combine some of the models together and make:
SuperMegaTuxTacoDaemon11ux
Which could take on the MCSE Drones in an ultimate battle of good versus banality.
The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made. (Marx)
And his partner Microsoft woman with
Can they survive the forces of the mighty Penguin, the Daemon, and the avenging DOJ? Tune in again for the next episode of Microsoft Man - Windows 2000, the final battle . . .
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo
--Andy Finkel (J. Klass?)
There should be CmdrTaco and Hemos models which always simultaneously do whatever they did six months ago.
Tarsnap: Online backups for the truly paranoid
I can see it already. Our kids will grow up with MCPs as role models. That is a very scary notion.
This situation is unacceptable. It's clear that the community must release some action figures that will spark the imagination of our own children (what, you mean you actually got laid? Way to go!). Behold...
The NEW Ultra-Cool CmdrTaco (tm) and Hemos (tm) action figures!
Featuring...
* Automatic misspeller gun!
* Rushed duplicated article submission!
* Bad joke dispenser!
* Nanotech-related story magnet!
* Automated Linux kernel updater!
* Olympic swimming pool filled with Andover IPO dollars!
* Rumour-type-story accuracy checker! (Oh wait, never mind that.)
Although the CmdrTaco (tm) and Hemos (tm) action figures claim to support open-doll development, only an early version of their own schemata is available. How sad is that?
CmdrTaco and Hemos are trademarks of Andover.net. "Don't mess with us or our elephantine legal department will crush you like a bug, little man!"
To the editors: your English is as bad as your Perl. Please go back to grade school.
Is it just me or are there small belt holsters with decent sized pistols in 'em? I never got one of those when I became an MCP, just a 'pocket guide' on NTS erver that was far too large to fit in anyone's pocket.
I'm going to pout now.
--
Do I see holsters strapped to their belts? :)
S'pose that's ok tho, cause they look more like
'Matrix' charachters than the MSCEs I've seen...
Oh, wait, maybe it's just their Palmpilots^W Win CE Devices...
--Kevin
=-=-=-=-=-=
"HELLO SMALL CHILD! WHO IS BACK! I HAVE THE RENEGADE MASTER WITH ME!"
yes ladies and gentlemen, act now and you can have micro$oft invade your home or office in yet more ways! our mcp action figures are ready to sit around, twirling a pen between their tiny, endangered brazilian rainforest poly-extruded rubber fingers, and ask if you've run the on-line help sourcer's janitor program and would you like to upgrade your help support for the low price of $50.00.
act now supplies are limited!
coming soon!
micro$oft hostile takeover and FUD decimation action figures. yes you get the whole set: bill gates, the micro$oft public relations team, the micro$oft sales team, and (for a limited time only! (act now!)) the micro$oft anti-trust trial legal team!
I think Bill would go perfect next to my figure of the Emperor. =) Jeremy Snow www.gamesiege.com
just looked at the site (I just HAD to see this)strangly enougth they hav PLENTY in stock
Error #302: Reality.sys corrupt! Reboot universe? (Y/N)
If Microsoft has anything to do with this, I'm sure that the toys burst into flames, fall apart, and are a choking hazard... maybe its just their attempt to monopolize the toy industry also
I need to do my laundry
Please send $3 to:
Jon Allen
p.o. box 308142
My company is a Microsoft Regional Director. We got a handful of these six months ago. They have been passed around the office a few times.
Some folks have their action figures hanging from their necks, others just have them staring blankly from the top of the monitors.
Personally, however, mine "fell forward" into a "RedHat Inside" sticker that I got in my RedHat distro. His chest is now a RedHat fedora. The "MCP" logo on their backpacks also scratches off nicely. A little black marker covers up where it used to be.
He is now a "RedHat" action figure. and sits perched atop my desk scouring @ any M$ apps.
And not to forget:
The booklet "Teach FUD yourself within two weeks!" - the ultimate FUD guide to build up your own monopoly.
Buy it now!
Warning:
Bad jokes included could do harm to geeks under the age of 3.
No MS admin (hero or zero) is complete without a pager that is constantly beeping.
Yeah, but where do you get the model of Bill Gates' "super house"? You know, the $100mil huge bastard, running on NT.....
:)
Personally, i'd hate to be living in a house running on NT... Imagine the toilet BSODed just after you'd just[*** WARNING - CENSORDED - Have a nice day ***]. That'd be sick, huh!
OK, i'm sick and i'm sorta off topic... sorry
...
"You can't make a race horse of a pig"
"No," said Samuel, "but you can make very fast pig"
There is already open source code which will
make a Slashdot like site. Try http://www.zope.org and check out the Squishdot product.
Maybe the Microsoft henchmen should take on Jesse (the Body) Ventura in a fight to the death!! Long live champions of a quick buck and masters of commercialism!!
...I think they're trying to eclipse the Beanie Baby craze....
Anyone else notice the striking similarity between these action figures and the Microsoft Black Ops featured in this User-Friendly cartoon!!
because Liunx works. And OUR mascot is an animate object, as opposed to a logo that is a Windows falling apart....
>How is this different from you Linux freaks who buy stuffed penguins?
Because we don't buy figures of geeks with penguin stickers on their back.....
You could have said this in a diplomatic way, and avoided the -1: Flaimbait, but, probably being the foolish NT user you are, did your one line smart-assed comment.
Anyway, why am I wasting my time posting to flamebait that will get -1? Bordom from downloading Storm Linux on my 33.6 I guess.....
I want a Bill Gates action figure! Then, every time my NT machine does something weird at work, I can beat that figure and kick it over the room.
Hmm... of course, it also would be quite cool to use this Bill figure as some sort of voodoo doll with needles and that kind of stuff... (OK, that was quite sick)
.
.
.
Why on earth someone would be actually interested in buying this kind of crap? I think that parents who are buying these figures for their kids are irresponsible and are doing quite large damage to their kids. (Or are these figures targeted for NT network administrators?)
What actually is the function of these figures? There isn't any kind of comics series or movies about these figures...
Do you have to reboot these figures every ten minutes ?
*grin*
--
B10m
Power to the Tux-Action hero !
Ermmm we buy stuffed penguins, which symbols the OS. Not the people who support it.
--
B10m
Can they play mp3's when you pull a string on the back of the neck?
I think ThinkGeek.com should make some MCP action figures....With strings in the back. You pull it and it a high pitch voice it randomly says: 1) This application has preformed an illegal operation! 2) Warning! The system has become extremely unstable! 3) Page Fault in KERNEL32.DLL! I could see that as reliveing some tension throughout the day...Only when used as a projectile.
Connah
Connah
"Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for this change to take effect."
.... but have you ever noticed that in virtually any group of three in any advertisement, there's always the token black, the token woman, and that the token black is never the token woman?
Strangely enough, I've got "Ivan meets G.I. Joe" in my headphones right now...
CTRL-ALT-DEL must be a real pain for those little guys, what with their fingers all stuck together! They must have to work as a team to do it!
No, it doesn't take a whole team, when you have the proper tool to do it.
For years, I've been wondering when us geeks would have a TV series of our own--one that, sorta like ER, gave an honest(and patently ridiculous--considering the manic depressiveness of the tech lottery^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hstock market) view of life in the ultra fast lane.
;-)
I hear Po Bronson was working on a show like this, but seeing these action figures, one has to wonder if a...younger, more malleable audience could be coaxed into Microsoft Hero Worship.
Geek Intern Joe. Oi.
This actually becomes much more interesting when you consider that most of the cartoons from the early 80's were entirely funded by toy manufacturers, not by the advertisers that ran commercials during the show. The show itself advertised the toy product--and oh boy, did we eat it up.
Yeah. I could see that kind of tactic. I'm not saying that's what they had in mind--no, I actually think the action figures are pretty damn cool. I especially like the Kung Fu Grip of the female doll...about to be struck down by Suck's own Jihad Tux, of course
Yours Truly,
Dan Kaminsky
DoxPara Research
http://www.doxpara.com
I think so. Plastic head, no brains inside. Other vital parts missing as well. (Heart! I was thinking Heart!)
From the www.mvpstore.com frontpage:
... everything with "microsoft certified professional" printed on it.
Microsoft and Keller Marketing (a division of General Commercial Corp.) have teamed up to provide our Most Valued Partners with a collection of quality premium products to promote your brand. Keller Marketing offers a broad range of advertising items to fit any promotion or event. For items not pictured, please don't hesitate to contact us so that we can meet your needs.
Goto to the clothes section, this is really bad, i.e. a cap and shirts and stuff..., uh and coffee cups and pencils and cases and sport bottles and
So, sorry, no joke...
And besides... they're such cute little fellas :)
I have to admit, that is a pretty funny post. So many of the post moderated up as funny on /. these days look like they were written by scripts.
1. Convert headline/story in AP wire store or press release form.
2. Change microsoft to linux or linux to microsoft and add a few jabs at Bill Gates.
3. Misspell microsoft 5 different ways. (How is it an insult to them because you can't spell?)
4. If physical object, create a metaphore to windows and tell what would happen if it crashed. If metaphysical object, explain why the world would end if it was closed source.
Personally I think it gets old real quick, but if someone wanted karma points why not make a translator script like they used to have for Jive and Valley Girl.
anyhow, thanks for real humor.
-- Virtual Windows Project
As I am typing this, I am watching the banner ad where Tux tramples Redmond. Any long time Slashdot reader will have already seen it several times. Tux will eat them for lunch.
The net will not be what we demand, but what we make it. Build it well.
Actually, if you *really* want consistency, it should be 2000-01-10. Just like H:M:S. Then you could make it all one string: 2000:01:10:01:00:00.
Whaddya think?
I was thinking the same thing. You folks can laugh at MCP all you want. I wouldn't have gotten the job I have now without it.
DO NOT DISTURB THE SE
Microsoft handed these out at a conference one of my cow-orkers went to. He charitably donated them to science- erm, that is *my* specific experiment-
Take one MS action figure:
Duct tape to the end of a Nerf[tm] arrow.
Place wadding in other end of Nerf[tm] arrow.
Place C5-6 rocket engine after wadding.
Launch action figure above paved surface.
Unfortunately, they're not as destructable as Kenny was (Dammit! Me Bastard! I killed Kenny!)
They're not as aerodynamic either, Kenny got a good 1000', the MS guy couldn't go over about 600.
Next time the MS dude is gonna ride near the engine, in fact I'm considering rubber-banding them all around the fins with their heads in the blast area. Just gotta find some nose weight.
(See what you can learn at USENIX security?)
Paul
http://www.pauldrobertson.com
If Kibo greps /. he'll soon add these to the Dumb Toys Gallery, along with other very bizarre action figures. Be sure to visit that gallery. It's creepy.
I have a bunch of those little Intel Bunny freaks. When one of my PeeCee boxes goes down, you grab the Intel dude by his legs, beat him against the desk and yell "Damn it Intel...Damn you striaght to Hell."
It gives my Macs more incentive to work harder without a crash.
After hours, literally, of trying, many of the popular illicit poses you immediately begin to think of when you have access to these guys seem to be explicitly forbidden by the design. Nonetheless, with some modification, anything is possible. More evidence for the power of reverse engineering and open source over MS...
Returned Peace Corps IT Volunteer
I just checked the site. In order to purchase anything, you must have an MVP account. In order to obtain one, you must give them your MS ID number (which you get when you pass one of the MS certification programs).
Too bad -- it would've been worth $5 to put them in the microwave and melt them a little...
Potential use for some MSCP: Buy a bunch of these and resell them to slashdot readers. (I'm only half joking.)
I kinda like these guys, I just might order some.
:)
Get a few of those little case emblems, and slap 'em on their chests...
Just like little ex-dark-jedi-power-rangers...
Have a Daemon Ranger, a Tux Ranger
and a...Hmm...Gold Tux Ranger?
(I assume there isn't an SGI case emblem, and I'm not desecrating my Indy...
--Kevin
=-=-=-=-=-=
"HELLO SMALL CHILD! WHO IS BACK! I HAVE THE RENEGADE MASTER WITH ME!"
Now with Kung-Fu Nose Pick Grip!
WWJD? JWRTFM!!!
Fix your network when it goes down?
Action Figure: No
Reality: No
Understands Computers?
Action Figure: No
Reality: No
Problem solving abilities?
Action Figure: No
Reality: No
Helpfull to Customers?
Action Figure: No
Reality: No
Sits and stares at screen, does nothing?
Action Figure: Yes
Reality: Yes
Stiff and inflexible?
Action Figure: Yes
Reality: Yes
Won't screw up your computer?
Action Figure: * Yes *
Reality: No
So you see, a Microsoft action figure is better than a real Microsoft Certified Professional.
From that little picture, they sorta resemble
;)
Barclay(?), Dax, and Worf from Star Trek...
--Kevin
(Yes, this post removes any doubt that I'm a nerd.
=-=-=-=-=-=
"HELLO SMALL CHILD! WHO IS BACK! I HAVE THE RENEGADE MASTER WITH ME!"
[kid among the spectators] "Mommy? Why is the sky blue?"
[kid's mother] Well, that's because Super Bill was flying around up there when he crashed, dear.
http://www.mvpstore.com/catalog/Product.asp?PXC=1& PXS=1&PXP=532
Take a look at that bad boy.
Add a few wires, a weird and useless left-hand prostethis (speled wrong, bite me) and you've got Borg dolls!
How fitting.
Boobies never hurt anyone. - Sherry Glaser.
You folks can laugh at MCP all you want. I wouldn't have gotten the job I have now without it.
So big deal. I know an MCP and what he says is "Just shut the fuck up about the product - its what clueless PHB's want, it guarantees you a recurring income stream, and I wouldn't make 90% of my money if I wasn't restarting MS solutions." Then, recapping mentally what he had just said, he broke into laughter.
I'm glad you have your job too. I hope you fucking choke on your money.
======
"Rex unto my cleeb, and thou shalt have everlasting blort." - Zorp 3:16
Sacred cows make the best burgers.
Didn't Microsoft come out with an NT man a while ago to give away to the first couple hundred of people who signed up for something? I've created my own Bill Gates doll with head and limbs attached with velcro so you can rip them off.
Sheepdot: Open Source good, Closed Source baaaaaaad!
The commercial:
Deep Male Voice Sings, "MCP--with the Reboot Grip!"
Cut to a toy datacenter with toy sitting in a mini ergo-chair, child's voice cries "Kim, we lost the print spooler, I say again, print services are OFFLINE! Perform a reboot!"
Deep Male Voice Sings, "MCP--with the Reboot Grip!"
Cut to a childs hand holding Dan and knocking over toy computers, the child cries out "Take that you hard to use and expensive Sun servers! Microsoft clustering can deliver the same performance for 1/3 the price!"
Deep Male Voice Sings, "MCP--with the Reboot Grip!"
Cut to a closeup of Nate, a child shreiks, "Oh my Kim, the UNIX Admins are installing Linux, what do we do?!"
Girls voice "They're too smart to attack directly, they know Computer Science and all of that other bits and bytes stuff. Wait!!! There's their managers, ready the FUD Cannon!"
Cheezy electric recorded voice, "Windows is a robust solution for your enterprise...."
Deep Male Voice Sings, "MCP--with the Reboot Grip!"
Generic anouncer "Collect Dan, Kim, and their fearless MSCE+Internet leader Nate, the MCP Action figures by Wham-O! FUD Cannon and Clue-Stick sold separately!"
Nope. The reboot fingers are too underdeveloped.
any chance we can get these guys working on windows millenium ? i know *I* would feel alot better if they took over develeopment
Your MCP friend is an idiot, and should be revoked or something.
Are there Apple action figures I can get too?? Then I can have them battle it out with the M$ofties like G.I. Joe vs Cobra. Well, this has got to be one of the weirder toys I've ever heard of. And though I would love, love, love to get my hands on a Bill Gates figure, I know he isn't that stupid--no way he's gonna hand out voodoo dolls to everyone.
Professional. n. characterized by or conforming to the technical or ethical standards of a profession (2) : exhibiting a courteous, conscientious, and generally businesslike manner in the workplace (Merriam-Webster dictionary)
How can a corporation, to whom those qualities are alien, even begin to certify them ?
What next ? Microsoft Certified Linux Guru ?
--
It could be like one of those Amazing Amy dolls or Furbies - it would talk incessantly about how society's going to hell in a handbasket and wouldn't have an OFF switch. Oh, and it could have a cute little sweater that said "Resident Gasbag" on it.
bun-fhuinneog agam!
You can get all three for only $5.00. That's about what three MCP's are worth....
-Kris
First drop about another 40 to 60 pounds on each one.
:)
Next, you need to dress them properly. Maybe a white short sleeve button up. Fix that hair too...just let it grow for 6 months without any trimming.
After that, maybe glue a very small amount of food crumbs to the side of their faces... (This may be extreme- maybe only one of them should get the crumbs).
That should about do it.
Pax -- Ob
---wavy lines---
<MS Helpdesk> Sorry sir, but we can't admit that $PRODUCT is at fault
<FX: DaveHowe pokes doll with pin>
<MS Helpdesk> Ow!
<DaveHowe> Are you SURE you can't help?
<MS Helpdesk> No, I'm sorry sir, we...
<FX: DaveHowe makes use of soldering iron>
<MS Helpdesk> Please! no more! I'll talk! just don't hurt me anymore
---wavy lines---
Don't you just WISH sometimes? :+)
--
-=DaveHowe=-
Trust me, this is only the beginning. If they actually manage to sell these, I can see the next set of M$ action figure dolls.
MS Legal Department Action Figures
--------------------------------------
Over 160 to collect. One for each litigation involving Microsoft. Some of them include...
- Gui Appleton
- Cal D. Erasmus
- Don O. Jasper
and many more to come. And remember kids: "Gotta litigate them all!"
Troll doll: has a rapid-fire arm (not the GI Joe Kung Fu grip tough) for typing in 3133t-speak. Also, comes with a 56.6k modem which dials AOL so he can d/led Back Orifice with his little 13 year old buddies. Is un-godly ugly, ill-tempered, mind-numbingly stupid, and racist. Also comes with elastic arms and legs so /.er's can torture the little SOB's like they know they'd all like to.
Well, it's good to see that Microsoft have not denigrated the female of the species by including them as "action figures". I wonder what this says about their corporate culture?I guess that while the twenty something pimply slaves of bill are running around trying to be part of the action the girls are working behind the scenes actually getting things to work. Must be a real lot of them too.
The girl, though, is simply throwing up her hand in frustration.
No, she's just getting ready to bash the fuck out of the computer because the keyboard locked up.
Ungh
A bit sexist
Let me eleborate on why I got my job b/c of an MCP designation and why they are important. I just got it b/c I'd been admining' a SQL server box for a while, figured I could study for 2-3 weeks on topics I didn't know and pass. I did.
I found out why it's important. Small consulting shops (like the one I work at) want to become an MCSP (M$ Certified Solutions Provider). Why? Well, although some companies won't outsource to a non-MCSP, it's mostly to save $. How? Because the $1395 a year it costs you gets you: A universal MSDN subscription (quarterly updates. This is basically the whole MSDN site on CD), TechNet (betas and SDKs), a 50 license BackOffice (NT Server, SMS, Exchange, IIS package, 10 licenses EACH of the following: Visual Studio Enterprise (that's about $1500 by itself), M$ Office Developer, and all the client OSs (NT workstation, 98, 95, etc).
The thing is, to be an MCSP you have to have so many MCP-certified developer (there are other things, but that's a big one). So regardless, if a smal shop wants an MCSP or to keep it, they want MCPs. Like M$ or not, once again, you have to admire there shrewd marketing.
DO NOT DISTURB THE SE
'Oh great MS butt Plugs'.
Action figure - $0.25
Entrance to Tech Ed - $1000
Expression on MS Staffers face - Priceless
What, like "Start Me Up"?
I always thought it somewhat appropriate that the line immediately following "Start Me Up" in that song talks about grown men crying.
dragonhawk@iname.microsoft.com
I do not like Microsoft. Remove them from my email address.
I tried to buy a set as a gift, but you need to log in, which requires a "Microsoft ID" and a "certification type". Is there an underground purchase location for these? word.
Does anyone remember the movie Tron?
The MCP, the Master Control Program.. how appropriate.
If they'd let the Linux community pick a mascot I bet it would have been a (not so) cute little stuffed jackass with "MSCE==Must Call Someone Else" printed on the back. And of course it only comes in one colour, BSOD-blue.
You need to be a Microsoft Certified Professional in order to have an account to order the action figures in the first place.
Another plan foiled again!!!
DT
--
Free Pittsburgh!
Is this thing on? Hello?
will they appear in toy story 3 ??
I have never seen a bunch of bitches (no offense to any of the women out there). There is no reason why they have to release anything. They will release it when they are good and ready, and no amount of bitching on your part will speed the process. We should just apreciate the fact that they are willing to open-source it when they are happy with the final product. If it's taking them to long for you, write your own damn scripts. Hi, it's nice to meet'cha, I'd like to treat you to a bagel and a slice of pizza, But i'm broke as fuck and don't get payed to the first of next month, but if you want to join me i'm about to roll my next blunt, but I don't have no weed, no philies or no papers, plus i'm a rapist & repeated prison escapist, so give me all your money, and don't try to outrun me, 'cause you know you stinkin ass is too fat to outrun me. -Eminem
I've been wondering what to do with my three unexploded M-80s left over from New Years. I gotta order a set of these guys!