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The Funniest Joke in the World
Tackhead writes: "In another example of life imitating Monty Python, this article on nature.com says that the British Association for the Advancement of Science has created Laugh Lab, a project designed to find the funniest joke in the world. Weaponization possibilities are not discussed. Yet."
The interrupting cow joke, of course.
Without a doubt, the joke is British and Americans won't get it.
In fact, I'm pretty sure that they actually said it in German. Could anyone translate this for us? :-)
Someone set us up the bomb, so shine we are!
But i bet one of the lawyer jokes will be rated the best, unless ofcourse they sue the lab before that claiming emotional damage etc
"We'll be able to answer questions like: 'Are there jokes that women find funny but men don't?'
Liberace(rip)
The converse is The Three Stooges
This "project" is sure to be up near the top.
In a time of universal lies, Telling the Truth is a revolutionary act - George Orwell
...I don't get it
*ducks*
Send lawyers, guns, and money!
And one of them was assaulted.
Peanut.
...is so funny that if it were to escape its test-tube, it would devastate civilization as we know it. Physicist searched for a way to do nuclear fission, they found it, and look at where we are now. So don't even THINK about finding the funniest joke in the World, it's too dangerous. No more Manhattan projects.
the sites already been /.ed .. i wonder if they thought they were being smart by putting the rate/submission/info on different ports of the same machine !
Oh yeah that'll speed it up 3 times
My entry for the stupidest joke !!!!
A man walks into a bar, we'll call him Joe. (stop me if you've heard this one).
He has a seat at the bar. He orders a drink and start's shootin' the wind with the gentleman next to them. Jokes are exchanged and finally the guy says.. " i have the funniest joke for you"
Other man:
"oh yeah? Let's hear it"
Joe:
"Alright, but I wanna make sure that you aren't offended by Polish jokes"
a cross look appears on the other guy's face, his tone changes and he says to Joe:
"Lookie here mister, I'm polish and I'm proud of it. Also, you should know, the bartender? He's polish too. And the bouncer over there? He too is polish... So do you still wanna tell your joke??"
Joe thinks about it, then replies:
"Nah, on second though I better not, I wouldn't want to explain it three times"
...I always remember the joke Freud used as an example in one of his works.
Why is a wife like an umbrella?
Because some days you want to take a cab.
Hmmmm.
~~~~~ BigLig2? You mean there's another one of me?
The funniest joke happened to the USA on election day.
All this so a bunch of scientists get some new material for when they go to a party?
The search for a sense of humour continues...
Please don't hate me for this. I still can't get over how BAD this joke is. =)
[Begin]
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.
Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.
"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.
Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.
Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"
So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.
"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."
"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"
"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."
The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.
"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"
So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.
"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"
"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"
Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.
Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."
Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."
It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."
Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."
The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."
Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."
Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."
It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."
The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."
It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.
What's the moral of the story? Don't stand up in a boat.
... when will there be the Ministry of Silly Walks ? - Oh wait, the Patent Office certainly will register my walking style ... ;-)
I'd sure like to meet the guy who wrote the proposal for this...
"Laugh Lab is part of Science Year and is the largest scientific study ever into humour... Each month we will announce the top jokes. Then, in September 2002, we will reveal which of your entries got the highest "Laughometer" ratings and crown it the Nation's funniest joke!"
An elderly couple were walking about the streets of their home, Moscow. They each feel drops of moisture on their faces. The man says that it is snowing, but his wife is convinced that it's raining. Finally, they see General Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute. The general says it's definitely rain. The man doesn't believe him. Sighing, his wife tells him, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
I bet you it's got fuck all to do with beowulf clusters...
Buckets,
pompomtom
"There's an exception to every rule. Except for some rules"
How exactly is this off-topic?!? Goddamnit, sometimes you people just make me sick with your goddamned Michael-Sims=CensorShit.
A farmer had a problem. His rooster was growing old and didn't do his responsibilities as well as in his young days. So the farmer went and bought a new rooster to fill in.
The new rooster went all cocky to the old one and said: "Ok old timer. I'm the man in this house, so you'd better get your feathers out of here."
The old one didn't feel like giving up that easily so he challenged the new rooster for a race: "Let's run 20 laps around the henhouse. The faster wins and the loser leaves."
As the new rooster was confident of his speed, the two went outside and a hen gave them the start signal.
The old rooster sprinted and got ahead with the new rooster tightly after him.
The old rooster was leading after 1st lap.
The old rooster was still ahead after the 2nd lap.
On the 3rd lap there was a loud BANG and the new rooster flew against the henhouse wall in a big clowd of feathers. The farmer lowered his shotgun and muttered: "That'll be the last gay rooster in this house."
Remember the Far Side panel featuring a lab designed to test crankiness in people? Very funny.
Donate background CPU time to fight cancer.
We had this really funny guy who assisted our english teacher, last year.
He had some of the least funny jokes i've ever heard. When nobody laughed, he used to say "It's a joke, it's funny!" and burst in to a huge, lonely laughter. Very entertaining indeed.
Btw:
-Vad är motsatsen till allvarligt sjuk?
-Skojfrisk!
/Rovfrukt - LUF Väst
A man walks into a bar. Ouch!
Jay Leno (a comedian in the U.S.) makes $40,000 for perhaps 90 minutes of comedy. And Jay Leno is not very funny.
Obviously, if those studying the "science" of comedy knew anything about it, they would be out doing it, and not hanging around in a musty university drawing professor pay.
Bush's education improvements were
Tom, aged nine, runs into the bathroom just as his much older sister steps out of the shower. Fast as a snake she wraps a towel around her and shouts:
- What are you doing? Don't you know how to knock?
- Can't you take your towel off for me, please?
The sister gets angrier and says
- Are you crazy? No - I'm not going to take off my towel for you!
- Please, I have to check something. Besides, I've seen you naked lots of times, so it's not something new for me.
- Ok, ok...
The sister sighs and takes off her towel.
- There - are you happy?
Tom lets out a sigh of relief:
- Phew... My friend Jack said that you got dick this weekend.
The World's Funniest Joke
The World's Sickest Joke Ever
Be advised though; that latter one is bad.
UNIX? They're not even circumcised! Savages!
This reminds me of a Scientific American article from many years ago about why people like music. The essence was that our enjoyment of music might be connected to fractal patterns in the music, in our nervous systems, and in subtle mathematical properties of changes we observe in the world around us. It seemed to suggest that the patterns in the music might map onto specific thought patterns -- love, fear, a sunny day, etc. This mapping could be what we are actually enjoying when we enjoy the music, and could explain why large numbers of people often react the same way to a given piece of music. I remember being excited by the idea that the encoding of thoughts might be based more on mathematics than on individual physiology, which would bode well for the future of direct mind-to-mind communication.
So what these British guys are doing with humor is quite intriguing. Although it might seem silly on the surface, it could lead to a greater understanding of how we are wired, which would be a good thing.
What do you get when you put a baby in a liquidizer?
...
An erection.
mike.laughlabs.co.uk ?
michelle.laughlabs.co.uk ?
After all, computers analysing humor have been talked about before -in this book
A man goes into his doctors with a sore throat.
Man: "Doctor, I've got a really sore throat".
Doctor: "OK, say 'Ahhh'"
Man: "Why?"
Doctor: "My dog died last night."
-----------------------
Moderator's essentials
Yup.
Heard it before, and it may not be the worst joke, but it's the worst one I've ever heard.
That's a pretty good telling of it, though.
If the result is to find the joke that makes most pepole laugh, it wont be very funny. It will be unoffening, politically correct, culturally tansparent and aimed at all ages and both sexes.
In other words, a mildly amusing, but pretty lame joke.
Something like Cosby.
...um...like...a sig...
Two strawberries are sitting in a bathtub.
The first says: "Hey, pass me the shampoo".
The second answers: "What, Do you think I'm a typewriter?!"
"Bubba, everyone here and in England seem to know you so well, what gives?"
"Oh, I'm just popular, that's all."
It seemed like a odd explanation, but Jacob let it drop. The next day, they visited Germany. Again, everybody was saying hello to Bubba, and Jacob just couldn't understand, so he mentioned to Bubba again.
"Bubba, come on man, what gives? People in three different nations are calling out to you."
"They just know me, that's all. I'm very well networked."
Once again, Jacob let it drop at that.
On the next day, they went through Italy. And wouldn't you know it, everyone called out to Bubba by name. Jacob couldn't stand it any longer.
"Bubba, what is going on?"
"Nothing, they just know me, that's all. Everybody does."
"Everybody? No way."
"Yes Jacob, everybody. Look, tomorrow, we're going to visit the Vatican, right? I'll get myself a private audience with the Pope to prove it."
They made a small wager, and set out to the Vatican the next day. Then, Bubba disappeared for awhile. Later on, the Pope gave an appearance to the crowd that day, and at his right side, was none other than Bubba. Jacob was completely mystified. He picked up a conversation with the man next to him. "I can't believe it! Everywhere I go he knows everybody! And now he is standing up there!" Jacob cried up to the man. To which, the man replied, "You mean the man standing next to Bubba?"
I thought there was an international UN treaty against the development of jokes as offensive weapons. ;)
I guess Bush is shoving it to the international community yet again...
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdowns for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one at a later time.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate (among other things) my wobbly 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To assure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, you will need to contact each of my children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any decisions that you make.
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house and get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be chosing the color of the carpeting. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the potential homebuyers in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at the house my neighbor build last year, as we like it a great deal. It has many things that we feel we also need in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the construction cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your ideas and completed plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon a possible if this is the case.
They're spending time RESEARCHING the funniest joke in the world?
Don't they know that Windows ME has been released already?
The funniest joke on the world is that scientists are searching for the funniest joke on the world.
The funniest joke in the world is of the Darwin fish.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not
really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
------I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.------
me and a friend decided to have some fun,
so we would corner someone, then tell a really stupid joke like
"Did you here what crossed the road"?
"POTATO"!
and then laugh really hard.
and about 3/4 of the time, we would get the cornered guy to laugh
Well, for me the idea of finding the funniest joke in the world is funny enough to be examined further...
This sig is stolen from someone who had a much better idea than I had.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind girl get for christmas?
Leukemia
"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."
A Negro walks into a bar with a fancy parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender looks up and says ``Damn, where'd you find that weird creature?''
The parrot replies ``I picked it up in Africa. The place is crawling with them !.
Three members of differing minority groups are attempting to complete a menial task.
The first attempts to complete the task, but fails in a manner completely characteristic of the stereotype of his minority group.
The second says, "No, no, you have it entirely wrong," and he attempts to complete the menial task. He, however fails in a manner highly analogous to the failure of the first person, but in a manner characteristic of *HIS* minority group.
The third says, "You both have it ALL wrong." He then attempts the menial task and fails spectacularly, in a manner completely different from the first two, but in a manner that reinforces a commonly held stereotype about his minority group!
Feel free to emit a response (laugh or groan) as your particular sense of humor and minority sensitivities allow.
There was a man, and he had to go on a long journey.
So he said to his wife, "Pack me some lunch".
So she packed him some lunch, and he went off to the railway station.
He ate his lunch, and then he fell asleep, and missed his train.
He was daft.
"Information wants to be paid"
Two Counter-Strike players meet. One says to the other: I've got white walls now. The other one asks: which walls?
Wouldn't it be kind of ummm... funny if the funniest joke in the world turns out to be Monty Pythons "Funniest Joke in the World" sketch.
siener's youtube channel
If we find the funniest joke in the world... will we lose all sense of humor?
-- Is "Sig" copyrighted by www.sig.com?
Q) How many Software Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A) None, it's a harware problem!
My last project was to help design the database of all the jokes.
It was quite a project and actually quite enlightening. It's amazing to hear all the jokes you once heard that made fun of people from Arkansas, being retold about people from Newfoundland or wherever.
Once we got the data consolidated, we were able categorize them and set a primary key for each joke. This was particularly effective because the jokes could be then referred to (and even enjoyed) merely by referring to the primary key. (And any variant information.)
For example, "6653 - Newfie" would take the base text,
6653 - "Why did the $Disparaged_ethnic_groupmember put tinfoil on his nose?"
and insert the variant information.
After work, we'd head to the pub and hoist a few pints, retelling our favorites, only needing to use the number.
"37684!" someone would shout and the rest of the group would laugh.
"238!" and people would be rolling on the floor...
One night, Dr. Wiseman stands up and says "6245!"
Dead silence. Thinking, he again tries. "6245?"
Again, dead silence.
Dejected, he sat down and stared into his Guinness and mutters: "I never *could* tell a joke..."
;-)
(Sorry, I couldn't resist. )
Jim
-- My Weblog.
Personally I'm from The Netherlands, and I tend not to appreciate the dutch humor very much. As a former UK citizen, English humor still has my personal preferences.
Not only the country you live in but also the culture found in your proffession is of significant influence to your sense of humor. For example, ICT-proffessionals have different humor than lawyers, policemen and housewives (may it be obvious that gender determines your sense of humor too).
I'm very curious, also a bit sceptical about the feasibility of this "project".
Bizar technology?
have we learned nothing from USENET history?
ddm, feeling older than he should and surprised that no one's referenced it yet
P.S. Don't go modding me down if you don't get the reference.
www.HearMySoulSpeak.com
I don't know the funniest joke in the world but this has got to be the funniest song in the world. My apologies for forever damaging you psyche in advance.
Sig Sig Sputnik
A team at Berkeley is researching jokes using collaborative filtering (or is it the other way around?). The project is called Jester and works like this:
- You are exposed to fifteen different jokes, which you have to rate according to how funny you find them
- Then your humour profile is compared to all the other profiles, they have
- Based on the matches, they will show the jokes, which best suit your sense of humour.
This seems like a much more likely way of finding the funniest joke in the world, because here you can find the funniest joke in the world according to your taste.
Give it a shot. You dont have to fill in a working email address to get it to work.
-Kraft
Live and let live
This is the funniest joke. It's effect is most obvious when spoken out loud to a small group of people whose attention you've monopolized for many, many minutes:
There were 3 race horses, Ernie, Bill, and Ted. The three of them enjoyed racing eachother and generally won and lost to eachother equally.
Every evening, after the races, they went to a local bar to relax and drink some beer. They would often discuss racing techniques, their families, etc.
One season, Bill wasn't doing so well. He rarely beat the other two, and was worried that he'd be sent to the glue factory if his luck didn't change. One night, at the bar, he talked with Ernie and Ted about it.
"You know guys, I just can't figure it out." He said. "Everything's fine at home, the kids are doing great, my wife is being nice, the bills are paid, my mother-in-law rarely visits, nothing could be better. Maybe I'm just getting old. If things don't pick up soon, they'll send me to the glue factory."
The bartender, a big llama named Floyd, overheard the conversation. He looked around, to make sure no body else was listening, then said, "Hey bud, I got something for you that'll make you feel like a young colt again." He reached under the bar and pulled out an un-labeled bottle of beer. "Here, drink this. I guarantee, you'll start winning again. Come by each night for a week and I'll give you one. If it doesn't work, I'll give you double your money back!"
Bill looked at Ernie and Ted, who only shrugged, then drank contents of the bottle.
"Oh, just one thing" The llama said, "It'll make your ass itch, but, that's okay, it's just a side-effect. Don't worry about it."
The three horses stayed a few hours, played a few games of pool and darts, and went home.
Over the course of the next three days, they went back to the bar each night, and Bill continued the regimen of mystery beer. His racing times did improve! He was slowly moving back up in the rankings, and was soon back into the top three with Ernie and Ted. Bill was ecstatic, and thanked the Llama profusely.
"Hey, my pleasure" Said the llama.
A few weeks passed by, and Ernie started slowing down. After losing 3 races in a row one day, he sobbed to himself, "I just don't get it. My life couldn't be better. I can't believe I'm getting old! They'll send me to the glue factory if I don't get back in the groove!"
That evening, at the bar, he told the llama bartender about his troubles, and asked if he too could try the mystery beer.
"Okay, but remember, it'll make your ass itch, but don't pay it no mind. It's just a harmless side effect."
"No Problem. It'll be worth it to get back in the groove." Ernie said.
A few days went by. Ernie's ass did indeed itch, and after a few more days, his races improved, and he was back in the top 3 with Bill and Ted.
At the bar one evening, Ernie bought a round of beers for all the horses, and thanked the llama profusely.
"I just can't believe how great that mystery beer worked!" Ernie said. "You're sitting on a gold mine there!"
The llama said it was his pleasure, don't worry about it, etc.
A few more weeks pass, and Ted starts slowing down, losing races. He too realizes that he'll be shipped off to the glue factory unless his races improve.
"Say," He said to the llama one night after a particularly humiliating loss, "I think I need to try that mystery beer too. They'll ship me off to the glue factory if I don't start winning again."
"No problem." The llama said, pulling out an unlabeled bottle. "Here. Come back every night, and I guarantee, you'll be back in top form again, or I'll give you double your money back."
Over the course of the next few weeks, Ted's races continued to improve until he was back in the top 3 with Bill and Ernie. He pranced into the bar, full of vim and vigor, and thanked the llama profusely. "You know, my ass itches a lot, it's almost unbearable. But I can't thank you enough. They would have killed me by now if it weren't for you. Anything you want, let me know and I'll see what I can do."
"No problem," said the llama, "I make this beer at home using an ancient Inca recipe. It's just my way of thanking my regular customers for their patronage over the years."
"I swear," Ted said, "this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Anything, you name it, anything you want, let me know, and it's yours."
"Well, now that you mention it..." the llama began saying.
Right then, a greyhound walked up to the bar. He was obviously depressed.
"Barkeep, give me something strong. I'm on a losing streak you wouldn't believe." The greyhound said.
Ted looked at the greyhound, then to Bill and Ernie, and said "Hey look! A talking dog!"
"Would it kill you to put down the toilet seat?" -- Maya Angelou
.
.
.
A testicle!
That's along the same line as the one about Herford and Berford, the fabulous racing plow-horses. I won't inflict it on you, but the punch-line is:
"Look! A talking dog!"
------ "Darn floor. Big bite." (Koko the gorilla's best attempt at explaining the experience of an earthquake.)
Because she's a woman!
--
"Outlook not so good." That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask about Exchange Server next.
see subject.
This was also the subject of a very long and (mostly) serious novel called "Infinite Jest" about a movie that was so entertaining that anyone who watched it would just continue to watch it over and over again until they died of starvation.
Howevere, we are never told that the movie is specifically funny, as much as it is entertaining.
Hopefully I didn't put any [] around my words.
"I laugh because it hurts..."
How do you know a drummer's at the door?
The knocking keeps getting faster.
How do you know a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: they have a machine to do that now.
Etc...
It doesn't mean much now, it's built for the future.
There once was a man who loved clowns. They were all he could think about. He
read books about them. He collected clown memorabilia. He watched every clown
movie that had ever been made. He even contemplated going to clown college
someday.
One day, the circus came to town. He was the first to buy tickets and even got
up early to wait in line for a good seat. He was so excited!
The circus started. All the usual acts were there. Tigers jumped through hoops
of fire. Elephants paraded around the three rings. Acrobats sailed through the
air. It was great but the man was unsatisfied with the show so far.
Then, the clowns came out. They were hilarious! They threw cream pies at each
other. To the laughter of the crowd, they did their wacky slapstick routines.
They even crammed themselves into a little car. The man thought it was the most
wonderful thing he had seen in his life.
At the end of their act, the head clown came out and asked for a volunteer.
Lots of people, including the man, raised their hands. And as luck would have it,
the head clown picked the man.
"Stand up!" said the clown. The man was thrilled! The head clown had picked
him. So he stood up.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this man is an idiot!" the clown exclaimed. The crowd
roared with laughter.
The man was humiliated. He had been shut down by the clown! The rest of the
circus went on, but the man was too depressed to bother watching.
When he got home, he read the newspaper as he usually did and noticed an ad.
Have you ever been shut down?
Enroll in our Comeback School
and never lack for a snappy reply again!
The man decided he'd get that clown back no matter what!
He went to the school, paid his two hundred bucks and enrolled in the most
advanced classes. He did all the homework. He studied night and day. He aced all
the tests. After a year of intensive learning, he knew the material better than
the teachers themselves. He graduated at the top of his class. He was the
comeback master.
When he graduated, the circus returned to his town. Once again, he was the
first to get tickets, he was first in line to get in, and he got a seat in the
front row. He knew his material backwards and forward.
The cricus started. The tigers jumped through hoops. Acrobats jumped. Everyone
did their thing again.
Then the clowns came out. The man was ready. Anxiously, he waited through the
cream pie bit. He waited through the slapstick routines. He waited through the
clowns in a car. Finally, the head clown came out and asked for a volunteer.
The man shot his hand up as fast and as high as he could. He looked the head
clown straight in the eye. Once again he was chosen.
"Stand up!" the head clown said. The man was as ready and primed as he had ever
been. He stood up.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this man is an idiot!" the head clown exclaimed.
And the man said:
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Yeah? Well, FUCK YOU, CLOWN! FUCK YOU!"
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Inter-
MOO!
Any sufficiently well-organized community is indistinguishable from Government.
Can't remember where I heard this one, but there ya go:
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust the bartender says, "what, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."
It doesn't mean much now, it's built for the future.
. . .would have to be the fact that they're performing this research. I laughed pretty hard.
- - - - - - - -
Don't worry, being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep in a giant blender.
There once were three Native American women. All three were pregnant. The first slept on
a deer skin, the second on a bear skin, and the last on a hippopotamus skin.
One night, all three gave birth.
The first had a strong baby boy. The second also had a baby boy.
The third had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to sons of
the squaws of the other two hides.
Thanks, I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress.
Rock over London, Rock on Chicago. -Welsey Willis
Q: What's better than winnind a medal in the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
Thanks you very much, I'll be here all week.
There are lots of words with more than one definition. While your definition of cracker is cute, it misses the point. Don't be such a half-wit.
But will the joke be funny when translated into other languages? Will it be funny only to english speaking peoples?
I've hit Karma 50 and gotten a Score:5, Troll... I win!
Little Billy is walking through the park with his Dad, when they round a corner and right in the middle of the path are two dogs screwing. Billy turns to his Dad and says, "Hey Pop what are those dogs doing?". Thinking fast, the father says "Don't worry son, they're just making a puppy".
Time passes and it's about 12:30 when Billy gets up to get a drink of water. While he's trucking down the hall he passes his parents open bedroom door, where he sees his folks going to town.
After watching the action for a minute Billy pipes up and says "Hey Pop!, What are ya doing?". The father without missing a beat replies "Don't worry son, we're just making you a little sister".
Billy snaps back with "Ok, but do me a favor and turn her over, I'd rather have *a PUPPY*!"
The Funniest Joke in the World... for old married guys. The longer they've been married, the funnier it is . . and the more dangerous it is to their health. I personally saw a distinguished, elderly, professional gentleman turn bright red, choke, and gasp for breath after its telling. I have since done extensive testing, on men (no problem) and women (with caution and some trepidation), both young and old, married and unmarried -- bottomline: women don't think its funny at all and men always like it, but the older and more married they are, the funnier it is.... BTW, I was told this by my garbageman....
Here it is:
How do you make a woman scream twice?
First, you fuck her in the ass....
Then you wipe it on the drapes.
That was the whole article -- full of weaponisation possibilities... action shots of the joke in close combat with the enemy, lighting fast and unbelievably lethal action from quick-lipped soldiers. That peanut joke tho... that almost got me.
This obviously should be the topic of a slashdot poll.
In the meantime, here's my contribution, a gem from Henny Youngman (I believe):
A guy goes to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist says, "You're crazy." The guy says, "I want a second opinion. "Ok. You're ugly, too!"
[insert sound of rimshot here]
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso
The Python sketch is reasonably close to the original story, as I recall, except for trivial details. E.g. I remember that part of it had to do with a German marching song, which was harmless in English but drove soldiers mad in German, which went in part "Left! Right! Left his wife and seventeen children with nothing but gingerbread left! Right! Left....etc". Thus the story title.
Kuttner is always worth reading, and often very funny. I think some of his stuff is still in print. (Hmm, was Kuttner a pseudonym? I can't recall.)
Professional Wild-Eyed Visionary
Professional Wild-Eyed Visionary
Guy walks into a doctors office and there is a duck on his head
The doctor looks up and says, "Can I help you?"
The duck says, "Yeah get this guy off my ass!"
Screwing a 12 year old girl?
Getting blood on your clown suit.
What is the best part?
Flipping her over and pretending it's a 12 year old boy.
"...That's what she said!"
You'll never need another joke again!
OK, I'll bite. What's the point of this?
I heard this before (with minor variations), and never got it.
...with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits at the bar, and announces in a loud voice, "I bet a glass of beer my monkey will eat anything you give him!"
The bar patrons were intrigued. One walked over with a square of chalk from the pool table and handed it to the monkey. The monkey took a look at the chalk, and swallowed it right down.
Another patron walked over with a cardboard coaster from the other end of the bar. The monkey took it gladly and chewed it up without any problem.
One of the more drunk patrons picked up a cueball from the pool table and handed it to the monkey, who looked at it for a minute, then swallowed it whole! Nobody could believe it, but a bet is a bet.
By this time, the man had three beers in front of him. He gave one to the monkey and drank two himself, then got up and left with the monkey.
The man returned a week later with the monkey, and sat down at the bar. He didn't make his offer this time, but ordered a beer.
The drunk who offered the monkey the cue ball walked over with a bowl of peanuts and sat down next to the man.
"Mister, I feel bad about the cue ball thing. I was drunk. Can your monkey have a peanut?"
The man accepted the apology and let the drunk give the monkey a peanut. The monkey took the peanut, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The drunk was horrified. "What was that for?!"
"Oh. That. He checks things for size first now."
Hi-Technical Excellent Taste and Flavor!
You would've thought the second one would've ducked!
Hi-Technical Excellent Taste and Flavor!
(These work best when told between two people (i.e., aloud))
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
*ducks rotting vegetables*
(I think we need a -1, Not Funny moderation...)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Slashdot.
Inter-
FP!
Any sufficiently well-organized community is indistinguishable from Government.
Here's a joke: "the British Association for the Advancement of Science has created Laugh Lab, a project designed to find the funniest joke in the world."
Click the link.
Seastead this.
Don't read this stupid joke.
The journey is better then the end.
A: Mommy, mommy, can I go outside and play with grandma?
B: No! You've already dug her up three times this week!
A: Mommy, mommy, I'm tired of running in circles!
B: Be quiet, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
A: Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister!
B: Shut up and keep eating!
I adblock all animated gifs.
Blessed be the prime numbered slashdotters
winning a gold medal in the special olympics?
Walking!
My plan is to pimp before they realize I'm a jackass. Hit 'em hard and fast.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
A: Nothing. A mountain climber is a scalar.
(cross... scalar...)
Mbrwmobfle
Chika Chik-ah... do-e ow ow.
FREEDOM! TRUTH! and GREAT MUSIC!
This fall on MTV!
Glückwünsche, haben Sie Slashdot ermordet, indem Sie zum korporativen Druck beugten und Subskriptionen einlei
Exactly.
How to live with the unbearable.
You can laugh or cry. Laughing is better.
Will The defendant please rise
One day Heisenberg is driving along in his car, when he gets pulled over by an officer.
The officer says "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says "No... but I know where I am!"
She tried to answer the iron.
--
"Outlook not so good." That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask about Exchange Server next.
She tried to call back.
"Would it kill you to put down the toilet seat?" -- Maya Angelou
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
Why do violists leave their instruments on the dashboards of their cars?
So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a car with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least one more.
A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?"
The violist replied "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!"
The conductor asked "Don't you think you're overreacting?"
The violist replied "I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!"
In case you couldn't tell, I have an acquaintance who plays viola. These jokes, however, were plagarized from here.
Bugrit! Millenium hand and shrimp!
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
"Would it kill you to put down the toilet seat?" -- Maya Angelou
I saw this article on the front page of the NZ Herald today. I wonder how many media outlets ran it. The site must have been hammered much harder than just a simple Slashdot effect.
Here's some facts ... the front server, the one linked above is running Apache on what I think is OS X.
The actual joke database is on a different port - 2001 - and is supposed to be two OS X servers. Whatever it is, it died. Not answering.
More details ...
It seems to me that Asimov wrote something along these lines. After researching and discovering the purpose of humor, there no longer was any. It was just an experiment.
Did you feel that she taught you something about how to be funny?
Bush's education improvements were
A priest, a rabbi, and a Scotsman walk into a bar, and each one orders a beer. As they're drinking their beers, a parrot flies into the bar, perches on the counter, and it orders a beer too! The barman shakes his head and says, "Sorry. We don't serve animals in here." The parrot squawks indignantly and says, "What, doesn't the fact that I can talk count for anything?" "No," the barman replies, "Not at all."
"When I smile, I have a mouth full of teeth; when I frown, I'm not even here."
but me, a stupid American, had to have explained.
"Instead of destroying , let's just destroy Belgium instead!"
I am for the complete Trantorization of Earth.
Her dog was blind, too.
--
"Outlook not so good." That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask about Exchange Server next.
To get the taste of nigger out of their mouths!
Mickey and Minnie mouse were having problems, so Mickey decides that he wants a divorce, and goes to see a divorce lawyer.
He rants on and on for hours, while the lawyer patiently listens (he gets paid by the hour, right?) about how he can't live with Minnie any more.
After Mickey's done, the lawyer says "Although I certainly sympathize with your situation, Mr. Mouse, I'm afraid that you can't get a divorce just because you think your wife is a bit odd."
"No!" says Mickey, "You don't understand. I didn't say she's odd, I said she's fucking goofy!"
A Robot: "Doctor Calvin, it Hz when I do this!"
Dr. Susan Calvin: "Then don't do that!"
Guaranteed! This comment 100% Anthrax free!
We expect a teacher of English to be able to communicate in English. Isn't it reasonable to expect a teacher of comedy to communicate in comedy?
The real point is that I've found that people who teach comedy are often faking it, big time. They don't KNOW the facts, but that doesn't stop them.
"Do we ask a dead person about death? Must we speak with a medieval knight to learn about the Crusades? Or a drunk about intoxication?"
If we could ask a dead person about death, we would be crazy if we didn't do it. If we could get 70 millimeter footage of a real medieval night, it would be extraordinarily valuable.
You picked a bad example when you speak about intoxication. Alcoholics are the best source of information about alcoholics. Alcoholism is a culture of its own.
People who post on Slashdot are rarely stupid. They may be mentally disturbed. The may be misinformed. But they are rarely stupid.
Bush's education improvements were
Their javascript is a joke, for starters. The real home page is http://www.laughlab.co.uk/home.html.