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Chinese News Reports the Taliban Are Training Monkey Soldiers
According to a Chinese news publication, soldiers in Afghanistan may soon come up against a deadly new weapon in the war: monkey soldiers. The report claims that the Taliban are training the monkeys to shoot and kill American soldiers. They also claim to have pictures of monkeys holding AK-47s and Bren light machine guns. From the article: "The New York Magazine has reported about this in jest and stated on Friday, 'No invader has ever conquered Afghanistan, and now we know why. The monkeys will not allow it. It was a good effort, but it's time to pack it in. This is no longer a fight we can win.'”
Am I the only one who thought monkey soldiers was a type of military unit? Like shock troops or special forces? It wasn't until I saw the picture that I actually got it, they mean actual monkeys.
Sarge: "Alright. Get the fruit truck and the truck loaded with female monkeys in heat."
The monkeys will then drop their weapons, run for the fruit and then for the females in heat. Coalition soldiers then walk in without a fight.
RIP America
July 4, 1776 - September 11, 2001
If you start arming monkeys, you end up with a banana republic.
Time to call Lance Link!
Well if they're going to have monkeys and we're getting robots at least the entertainment value should go up a bit.
Caveat Utilitor
The real planet of the apes... DAMN YOU
Attention... all grammer nazi"s! Is they're anything; wrong with: my post,
It only took Russia one decade to figure this out. Looks like it will take us two decades to come to our senses.
...but this is ridiculous!
Wise men say, "Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza."
Maybe they are?
I wouldn't put it past the Taliban to train a monkey to do a man's job. It's probably cheaper to get a monkey to blow themselves up, especially if the monkey is expecting to receive bananas.
"...It was a good effort, but it's time to pack it in. This is no longer a fight we can win."
History would indicate this is actually the case.
...eat bananas and kick some ass, and I'm all out of bananas!
Lord Ram had a monkey army not only fight for him, but build a bridge to Sri Lanka so that he could attack his enemies.
AND DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT'S A MYTH!
The Chinese are experts with monkey martial arts: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drunken_Monkey
Schroedinger's Brexit: The UK is both in and out of the EU at the same time!
We swedes actually tried that with moose a couple of hundred years ago. The moose were actually quite good at killing people. Sadly almost all of them were swedes.
the Chinese equivalent of The Onion, and we don't know enough Chinese to recognize it?
Now get in there and test that luggage!
Headquarters! what is it? I can't move my lips!
Can't see a thing through these masks
Go go godo watch him go go go
Little Johnny is a walking faux paus
His royal purpleness!
"Waste not one watt!" - CZ
will wipe the Taliban out. Capitalism at Work, i.e. Cost Efficient Bribery.
They are doomed I tell you.
We need to train monkey-eating eagles, like the Phillippine Eagle and the Harpy Eagle....
"Waste not one watt!" - CZ
Monkeys that can aim and fire the guns are too unrealistic, maybe the terrorists are just training suicide bombing monkeys.
So they're repeating some really, really old mistake - Soviet anti-tank dogs
I don't think you quite understand the purpose of the first amendment.
The stories and info posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only fools would take it as fact.
What do you do if these monkey soldier stage a coo? I'd guess you could just wait a couple of hours until they lose interest and go off in search of bananas.
Who would win this election: Andrew Weiner vs Andrew Weiner's weiner.
The Marines have had guns for centuries.
Warning: this article may contain humor, sarcasm, parody, and perhaps even irony. Read at your own risk.
NUTS!
I've got a better option, let's cut and run, and let those fucks continue to conquer the world.
Clearly, hurling rocks at tanks = conquering the world, while spending billions upon billions of dollars on advanced weaponry and yelling at anyone that doesn't agree with us isn't conquering the world.
And, naturally, trying to convert as many countries as possible to our way of doing things doesn't count as conquering.
So, you keep supporting our troops by encouraging our enemies, and I'll keep killing the fuckers who intend to kill you if you don't convert.
That's funny...I don't seem to recall American citizens being killed by Muslim's on a regular basis until we invaded their countries.
Living With a Nerd
I know I'd be suspicious if I saw a monkey running towards me holding out a banana with a lit fuse.
I completely understand the purpose of the first amendment. I don't think you quite understand the fact that whining about things that have already happened can't change them.
it's not accomplishing anything except demoralizing your own troops and encouraging the taliban fighters to keep fighting.
Right. I'm sure their encouragement has nothing to do with bombing their homes. It's me talking smack about our presence there. Of course! Alert the military! ::eye roll::
Living With a Nerd
Laugha while you can, monkey boy!
Actually, it's not that bad since the US has robots on our side.
Now if they were ninjas that would be a different story, since the only place that has pirates is somalia.
In Soviet Russia, Trojan exploits YOU!
Those who can't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. It never ceases to amaze me how many flag-wavers see the bill of rights as an obstacle to be overcome. I realize full well the futility of bitching about things that have already happened, at the same time, OP's post was about CONTINUING the war. The money that will be spent when we're still fighting this thing 5 years down the road HASN'T already happened. Telling OP to shut up because he takes a stance politically indicates to me that you're just another flag-waver; may God have mercy on your soul.
The stories and info posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only fools would take it as fact.
It wouldn't be the first time.
Wait just a minute.
If they use monkeys and the US uses robots, we can rig up some Predator drones with cameras, hook the whole thing up to pay-per-view, and then start trucking in the weed, twinkies, Playboy, fruit, female monkeys, oil, booze, and blackjack.
Hey, people can PAY to have the trucks come in. "$50 more and the US gets the truck of bananas."
The free hand of the market at work.
---
ECHELON is a government program to find words like bomb, jihad, plutonium, assassinate, and anarchy.
I support the fact that they are serving their country...but the missions in Afghanistan and Iraq are indeed a waste of our time. That's not the soldiers' fault.
"War is a lot of young men dying and a lot of old men talking."
Living With a Nerd
Robots Versus Monkey Wrestlers?
The time the cited the Onion on the story about the retractable dome over the capital building was funny, but this has to be the worst translation ever.
Monkey Soldiers...
Guerrilla Tactics...
-Rick
"Most people in the U.S. wouldn't know they live in a tyrannical state if it walked up and grabbed their junk." - MyFirs
General Turgidson: " Mr President! We must not allow a monkey soldier gap."
I, for one welcome our gun toting simian overlords.
You Damn Dirty Ape!
(I know monkey != Ape, but it's close enough)
Left turn, Clyde.
Speaking of Islamic states, let's topple one of the most secular governments in the middle east and let the Islamic fundamentalists vote in a new leader. Nothing could go wrong there...right? I mean, it's absolutely right to demonize Hussein, but don't try to convince me that they were going to come in and forcefully change our way of life. Especially when Hussein and Al Quaeda were in direct ideological conflict regarding secularism.
The stories and info posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only fools would take it as fact.
It's the 21st centruy, why can't I pony up $50 so I can shoot a enemy of America in the head via webcam ?!!!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6568977/#slice-2
the preceding comment is my own and in no way reflects the opinion of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
gorilla warfare
First, I'm not even from your country, so you're wrong on the flag-waver call. Second, his post wasn't about CONTINUING the war. Read it carefully. He clearly says "how about a fight we shouldn't be engaged in at all". That's referring to an event that has already passed. He hasn't suggested any means of extracting your country from the shit, he's merely bitching about how you're stuck in the shit, when you shouldn't be. And as I said, bitching about being stuck in the shit only demoralizes those trying to clean the shit up. The time for bitching is when the elections roll around, and you can fire those that got you stuck in the shit if that's how you feel. Now is the time to do what you can to help those shoveling. Third, how is it you know you'll still be fighting this thing 5 years down the road, and why aren't you doing anything to see to it that it can get resolved quicker than that? And finally, don't be asking YOUR God to have mercy on MY soul. That's between ME and MY God.
I guess you don't even have a clue about all the work that's going on in Afstan, do you? You think all that's going on is the US military bombing homes?
Hey if Matthew Broderick can teach them to fly planes this is possible.
Well..this is not new, Microsoft has be doing this for years.
...remember we tried it with bats.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bat_bomb
rj
Let's take a look back at my post, shall we?
pfft...how about a fight we shouldn't be engaged in at all?
WE'RE BROKE AND OUR COUNTRY IS UNDER MASSIVE DEBT...but uh...we're gonna keep killing these fucks. Send gas, ammo, and armor. Thanks, mom!
Seriously?
Note the bold sections. I was referring to the fact that we shouldn't have started these conflicts in the first place, nor should we be continuing them.
He hasn't suggested any means of extracting your country from the shit
Simple. We pack up and leave. Whether we leave now, five years from now, or fifty years from now, they WILL come back. Might as well do it before more American soldiers are killed and taxpayers dollars are wasted.
Living With a Nerd
You're an idiot, and so is whoever rated your nonsense "insightful."
Even if you believe all the hype, propaganda, and nonsense about Islamic Terrorism, we are not, and never were, in danger of being conquered by Afghanistan.
Even if they did manage to create a nuclear device and set it off somewhere in the US, that would have meant we would have lost one city to destruction, it would not mean that we suddenly all converted to fundamentalist Islam.
The only religious fundamentalists trying to take over the US are Christian, and even they are mostly irrelevant. Sure, they can damage our science education somewhat but even with a sympathetic President and with majority control of both parts of the Congress they were unable to make much progress in their favorite agenda items (abortion and homosexuality). And that's in a religion that 80% of the populace agrees with. Can you honestly believe that fundamentalist Islam can possibly be more successful?
If the masses can keep you down, you're not the Ubermensch.
You think all that's going on is the US military bombing homes?
What I think is going on is irrelevant...our enemies think all we're doing is bombing homes, which certainly doesn't help lower their bloodlust.
Living With a Nerd
Monkey vs Robot!! - James Kochalka Superstar
(fyi/spoiler - somewhat-now-famous person in the monkey suit!)
.
Prisencolinensinainciusol. Ol Rait!
Who was invaded by the USA before this war?
what world are you living in?
1983
1993
October, 2000
for a more complete list of American citizens being killed by Muslims, try here.
1983
From your link:
The attack came in the wake of the intervention of a Multinational Force, made up of Western countries, including the US, in the Lebanese Civil War, to try and restore order and central government authority.
1993
From your link:
These letters made three demands: an end to all US aid to Israel, an end to US diplomatic relations with Israel, and a demand for a pledge by the United States to end interference "with any of the Middle East countries' interior affairs." He stated that the attack on the World Trade Center would be merely the first of such attacks if his demands were not met. In his letters Yousef admitted that the World Trade Center bombing was an act of terrorism, but that this was justified because "the terrorism that Israel practices (which America supports) must be faced with a similar one."
See a pattern forming here? Not defending their actions, I'm just saying they never attacked us just for the hell of it...agree with their reasons or not, they believe they had sufficient reasons to carry these attacks out.
Living With a Nerd
In related news, the US deploys its new Gabriel drones with the ability to shock the monkeys.
Do you honestly think that spending a great deal of blood and treasure propping up a deeply corrupt and questionably competent puppet government(that isn't exactly a hotbed of liberalism and enlightenment values itself) is going to have the slightest positive effect in terms of arresting the spread of particularly illiberal strains of Islam?
If so, I'd recommend talking to the Shah of Iran about that.... Or, for that matter, cast your eyes upon our recent successful transformation of Iraq from a brutal secular dictatorship into a deeply corrupt, increasingly authoritarian and theocratic quasi-democracy. Definitely a trillion or two well spent.
Let's be real clear here: I have not the slightest fondness for islamic radicals. I consider them every bit as epistemologically contemptible as any other Abrahamic monotheist and, statistically speaking, much more likely to be nasty about it. However, the notion that our fucking around in the middle east is doing the slightest bit of good in terms of arresting their spread strikes me as risible and completely indefensible on any but the most evidence-blind jingoistic grounds.
He's bitching about the decision that was made in the past about entering afghanistan, and has led to the current situation. And yes, you can be against continuing something on the basis it should never have happened. It's called whining. And you can whine about it all you want, but IT DOESN"T HELP!
So I should be a good little citizen, fall in line with our government, and back them 100% regardless of whether I agree with it or not?
Thanks for the tip, Commissar.
Living With a Nerd
How many virgins do the monkeys get?
Comment removed based on user account deletion
Man, if I were a US soldier on the ground now, I'd be thinking this was a real kick in macaque.
9 years before we started this campaign 400,000 civilians were killed by the Taliban. in the 9 years the US has been there 16,000 civilians have been killed by both Taliban and NATO forces. (source Christian Science Monitor) your right, its not about the truth its about perception, but perception can be changed by telling the truth.. the people in Afghanistan would back up the US and NATO overwhelmingly if they did not truly believe that we are going to leave them, and the same old regimens of corruption were going to take back over. They just want to be on the wining side when we leave. Talking to people there, it clear that they know we don't want their country and they do not believe we are willing to stay no matter the cost and life will return to as it was before we got there.
what you think is going on is completely relevant, because you and many others are thinking it, and voicing it, and influencing those who hear you speak about it. What you think the enemy thinks, however, would be irrelevant. They hijacked planes and killed 3000 Americans before any homes were bombed, so what makes you think there's a chance you can lower their bloodlust? Play out the scenario if the US abruptly pulls out of Afstan. With no pressure from US armed forces, Taliban are able to rebuild their numbers, and begin plotting terror attacks worldwide. No innocent civilians are targets of bombs instead of US soldiers. Is that a better choice? Or do you think the Taliban will just give up their crusade once the US forces withdraw?
Woopdeedoo. Why go there over somewhere like Burma, or Sudan, or any other dozens of other places on the globe who are under just as much terror, if not more? Why the Middle East, where our very presence increases the risk on our own soil?
So, if you are trying to convince me this was a noble cause because of the reduction in civilian death, why choose the middle east over other parts of the world?
Living With a Nerd
God Monkey Robot
You want my true, honest, complete opinion? Because you aren't going to like it.
I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
A ground war in these territories is clearly impossible to win. Unless we wipe out every last al-qaeda and Taliban member in the area, then we will never be able to leave. Destroying the whole place is the only 100% surefire option. We need to either ignore what's going on over there, stop playing policeman, and figure out a way to make this whole thing work...or we need to nuke the entire middle east.
Like I said, you wouldn't like my answer, but there it is all the same.
Living With a Nerd
Yes. Free speech zones have been designated in various areas throughout the mojave desert, and you will be allowed to use them for 30 days preceding any federal election.
The stories and info posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only fools would take it as fact.
The time to speak up is before the decisions are made, that is the only time your voice can have a positive effect. If you disagree with the decisions, you express your opinion at the ballot box. The point of electing a leader is to have someone to make the tough decisions, since you'll never get a unanimous agreement from all citizens. You won't always agree with the decisions, and not every decision made will turn out to be the right decision. But once that decision is made, you follow through on it, and express your opinion at the ballot box at the appropriate time. In the current war, you need to wait until the Afghan national army is trained and armed properly to keep the Taliban at bay indefinitely. Then the US forces can withdraw, and you can bitch about what a stupid decision it was in the first place. To cut and run now will result in the Taliban regaining power in Afghanistan. Do you think they won't try any more terrorist attacks against US civilians at that point?
Oh, so now I'm only allowed to express my opinion when I vote for one puppet or the other?Fuckin' hell I'm glad you aren't in charge of things over here. Seriously.
Living With a Nerd
No, the Taliban wouldn't use a "monkey army", because that's something the infidel religion to the south would have done.
And that army of invisible bloodsucking ghosts is a myth too - it doesn't exist. At all.
Bill Stewart
New Fast-Compression-only CPR http://preview.tinyurl.com/dy575ks
The picture is clicked in India. That's the president's house (Rashtrapati Bhavan) in the background (Janpath is the name of the street).
The time to speak up is before the decisions are made, that is the only time your voice can have a positive effect. If you disagree with the decisions, you express your opinion at the ballot box. The point of electing a leader is to have someone to make the tough decisions, since you'll never get a unanimous agreement from all citizens. You won't always agree with the decisions, and not every decision made will turn out to be the right decision. But once that decision is made, you follow through on it, and express your opinion at the ballot box at the appropriate time. In the current war, you need to wait until the Afghan national army is trained and armed properly to keep the Taliban at bay indefinitely. Then the US forces can withdraw, and you can bitch about what a stupid decision it was in the first place. To cut and run now will result in the Taliban regaining power in Afghanistan. Do you think they won't try any more terrorist attacks against US civilians at that point?
No, the time to speak up is always, and especially around election time when we can actually replace the idiots making the bad decisions with others who will hopefully make less bad decisions. Saying we should get out is not whining, it's stating the belief that our government should take that action, i.e. do something to correct the initial bad decision that was made. I don't necessarily agree with that assessment, but it's certainly his right to state his beliefs about it. That's why we have free speech.
It's not enough to bash in heads, you've got to bash in minds. - Captain Hammer
that's the exact sentiment all the critics said about Iraq. They called it a quagmire, the next Vietnam. Guess what. Iraq has been won. Why? Because the people of Iraq themselves decided Al-Qaida were the bad guys, and started helping the US. The same is true for Afghanistan. The majority of Afghans are quite happy with the liberation the US has provided them, and the Taliban have been unable to do anything throughout most of Afghanistan. However, the remnants of the Taliban have been able to establish a new base of operations in the borderlands of Pakistan, and are recruiting new members from the local population there. It is possible to win a ground war, in fact the ground war in Afstan is won, the local population supports the US effort. What is needed now is the assistance of the Pakistani government as well as the tribal leaders in the border regions to stop protecting and sheltering the remaining Taliban. In five years from now, the Afghan forces will be strong enough on their own they won't need the US to support and protect them any more. As for ignoring the entire region, there's no way you can do that. It was tried already, and 9/11 was the result.
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/2007-02-13-dolphin-defenders_x.htm what a wonderful world
Guess what. Iraq has been won. Why? Because the people of Iraq themselves decided Al-Qaida were the bad guys, and started helping the US. The same is true for Afghanistan.
So if we've won, why the fuck are we still sending billions of dollars over there? Why are people still being killed on a daily basis?
However, the remnants of the Taliban have been able to establish a new base of operations in the borderlands of Pakistan, and are recruiting new members from the local population there.
If the Taliban were our enemy, and they are still fighting, then the war isn't over numbnuts.
If you have somehow convinced yourself that the wars have been won when we're still throwing money and blood on the ground in both countries, then you and I have nothing else to talk about.
Living With a Nerd
I don't think you quite understand the purpose of the first amendment.
I think it is you who don't understand it, the 1st amendment protects people from being punished by the Government, so if I were to say that Obama take it up the ass from Pelosi, I would not be taking it up the ass from Buba in prison.
Knowledge = Power
P= W/t
t=Money
Money = Work/Knowledge so the less you know the more you make
My expertise is heavy weapons, demolition, hand to hand combat, and grooming for lice.
After logging in slashdot still does not take you back to the page you were on. It's been that way for 20 years.
"Damn them!!...Damn them all to hell!!!!"
Have been in the long rub to just pay off the Taliban to go and hang out in some exotic place with dirty 72 virgins.
by TheSpoom (715771) Uncaring Linux user here. I have nothing to add to this but please continue. *munches popcorn*
You short-sighted fuck. Did you think the Taliban woke up bored one day and thought it'd be cool to be dicks? Hint: Something happened to them.
You said Iraq, but I thought you were talking about Iran, where pretty much the same thing happened, except using local brown people instead of uniformed American troops.
Exactly. The only way to defeat terrorism is to talk to terrorists. If one finds that objectionable, talk to the terrorists while they're still concerned, vocal opponents to one's actions. Don't give them a reason to pick up a weapon or start making explosives. If their grievances are valid, then fix them. If they are not, you instantly have the support of the rational world behind you. Easy peasy. Oh yeah, but that doesn't give a government carte blanche to use the excuse of terror for whatever means they want, so it's not very popular.
John Dillinger believed he had sufficient reasons to rob banks: "because that's where the money is", in his own words.
The TSA knew this was going to happen, which is why they already have procedures for screening monkeys at airports!
If intelligent life is too complex to evolve on its own, who designed God?
Gil Braltar is a satirical short story by Jules Verne parodying British colonialism. It was first published together with The Flight to France as a part of Voyages Extraordinaires series (The Extraordinary Voyages) in 1887.
The story is set in British fortress and colony Gibraltar. A man, a Spaniard named Gil Braltar, dresses up as a monkey and becomes leader of a group of monkeys living there (Barbary Macaque). He incites attack on the fortress. The attack, initially successful, is foiled by a British general. This general is so ugly that the monkeys believe he was one of them and obey him when he leads them out. Verne's conclusion is that in the future only the ugliest generals will be sent to Gibraltar to keep the colony in British hands.
So now the occupying forces know how to defeat these Taliban monkeys.
__
Men with no respect for life must never be allowed to control the ultimate instruments of death.
GW Bu
Taliban has PhotoShop. Maybe time to tighten those software export restrictions?
Okay, so I want your home, what's on your bank account, everything you own, right now. Or else I will become a terrorist.
I'm willing to negotiate, but I have one precondition. Give me all you have, right now. If you don't do it, that's because you are not willing to negotiate. And if you don't want to negotiate that fully justifies me into becoming a terrorist.
You may have the support of the rational world, bu *I* am not rational. Give me what I want right now, or I will become a terrorist.
People who use terror in their arguments only understand the language of terror, therefore unless you terrorize them, you cannot talk to them.
o.0
"Afghanistan is not 'unconquerable.' That is propaganda."
LOL
No it is not holdable, as is obvious by the fact none of the empires you mention held it, and none are still around.
Well, chimpanzee that... It's monkey news.
Page Karl Pilkington, stat.
between a monkey and a Talibani Islamist ? ( mind you, i am not referring to Muslim Afghans )
Insight into much, Influence over nothing !
Quick, toss it a typewriter!
Table-ized A.I.
Since we repealed "don't ask don't tell," The Playboy bunnies won't be 100% effective at least.
But imagine the sight of Burka-clad beings, of unknown appearance & age, with Bunny Tails and Ears waving to the troops. They may be winking but you'd never know. G.I.s won't be taken-in because one can hide a lot of C-4 underneath a Burka!
(David Bowman, EVA near HUGE Monolithic Win-PC in orbit around Jupiter) "My God - its full of Malware!"
Is "Monkey Soldier"a too literal translation of a Chinese term?
After logging in slashdot still does not take you back to the page you were on. It's been that way for 20 years.
Where's Penn Jillette when we need him?
"The only legitimate use of a computer is to play games." - Eugene Jarvis
We all know their weakspots so no worries, bring bananas instead!
But do they have Frickin lasers strapped to their heads?
No previous forces invading the area of present Afghanistan had to "fight under crippling rules of engagement"
And look what an advantage that was...
One that hath name thou can not otter
This would make an awesome unit for Red Alert 4
spending billions upon billions of dollars on advanced weaponry ...
and going bankrupt in the process...
Ask Me About... The 80's!
...you get monkeys
Ask Me About... The 80's!
Monkey see, monkey do!