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Help Rename the Department of Homeland Security
Hugh Pickens writes "James Fallows writes tongue in cheek that U.S. Department of Fear, led by Secretary of Fear Malcolm P. Stag III, is running a poll. To what should we re-name the Department of Homeland Security? 'Possibilities include Department of ScaredyCatLand Security, reflecting the prevailing mentality of an era, and Department of Fatherland Security, to make us sound strong,' writes Fallows. 'There are many more to choose from, plus you can write in your own nominees. But act now, because the polls close Tuesday.'"
Department of Fatherland Security
I've always been wondering about this, and this line reminds me about it again. Why do countries have genders? Not every country is a man either - for example Russia, China and my country all view it as motherland. On the other hand, according to this, US and then several other countries view it as fatherland. Why?
Wasting Taxpayer Money to oppress law abiding citizens
Department of Unnecessary Services, I think it sums them up quite well.
Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division
How about "State Security"?
Or, if you prefer not to change the original, "Staatssicherheit".
Department of Homeland Insecurity which is what it actually is too.
@de_machina
They've set their sights too narrow, Stargate had the right idea.
To offset political mods, replace Flamebait with Insightful.
Call it get your IP-address registered, for once and for good
Seems like the obvious choice.
Gestapo Much easier to say, and the groups seem to be getting more and more similar each day.
I always thought the "Ministry of Truth" had a nice uber-authoritarian ring to it.
Unfortunately, we don't use "Ministry" in our governmental body names, so it would have to be "Department of Truth" or maybe "Department of Truthiness".
Also could bookend the Department of Justice with the Department of the American Way.
-SS "Teach the ignorant, care for the dumb, and punish the stupid."
We already have a more appropriate name prepared for it.
Is "Minilove" an acceptable name ? That sounds like a doubleplusgood idea to me.
National Security Theatre Company. André de Lorde would be proud.
Waste Of Money And Nothing WOMAN
How about "Closed"?
Big brother monitor every move and revisionist history. 1984 a little late, but its here.
Just a clever way for them to identify future terrorists and people who are too clever.
I say we just be honest and call it "KGB-lite". Gestapo has too many letters and STASI just sounds too unpleasant.
Of course, over time, it will outgrow the "lite" part of the name. They all do.
Please do not read this sig. Thank you.
Title pretty much sums it up.
American Department of Homeland Security of America
How about "Dept of 500 Billion Dollars Wasted"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/09/september-11-homeland-security-spending_n_953288.html
Seriously folks how hard would it be to get SAM's in the country when cartels brings tons of coke and dope over the border? How hard would it be to sit at the end of a runway and use a .50 incendiary round through the fuel tank of a plane about to lift off?
Hard shot? These anti-material rifles can shoot humans from 1.5 miles away.
Why hasn't it happened then? Because there is no terrorist threat.
Clearly we wasted our tax money on these incompetents, unless you like getting molested at the TSA check point (coming to a mall near you soon).
"If any question why we died, Tell them because our fathers lied."
What about security threats that exist in dimensions prophesied by String Theory? These areas cannot ignored, or death shall await us, for sure, from dimension N + 1 . . . with huge pointy teeth . . .
Schroedinger's Brexit: The UK is both in and out of the EU at the same time!
AKA DOOM.
Department Of Orwellian Misrule
Department of Steven Colbert.
The Keystone Kops.
Have gnu, will travel.
Department of Rights Termination.
I used to have a sig, but I set it free and it never came back.
Babylon 5 reference.
BTW, if you like sci-fi and haven't watched B5, you're missing a pretty good story.
Ignore the man behind the curtain.
There's only one reasonable name for it: Miniluv.
cpghost at Cordula's Web.
GWBSTEC
George W Bush Second Term Election Committee
"That's the way to do it" - Punch
I submit:
Schutzstaffel!
"Committee for State Security", aka "Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti"?
Department of American Fear-mongering
I like it the way it is. Department is a standard in the US, homeland has a very nazi feel to the name and you want people to believe that the massive overarching department that spies on it's own citizens is trying to do so for people's security. Don't be so modest DHS, I think you've succeeded with your name. Though I suppose you could call it the comity instead of department, much like the 'K' in KGB (Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti) State Security Committee. It may not match other department names but it would fit in with the new Russian theme you're going with such as having tzars.
I think they should call it the "The F.U.D" and have a multiple accepted expansions for the acronym.
Fear and Uncertainty Department ...
Fundamentally Unnecessary Department
Federal Unchecked Discretion
F**ked Up Department
Repeal the 17th Amendment TODAY! Also Please Read http://www.gnu.org/philosophy/right-to-read.html
I think Savak would work. Orrr Schutzstaffel.
the next stages... i mean, departments, will be announced shortly.
The Department of Homeland Security is a mess, mind you, but that's as much implementation as anything else, it's designed to make it possible for Congress to monitor the security pork better, which had previously been scattered through the Federal Government, and therefore had no single cabinet secretary that could be brought in to testify and question, and no single budget bill to cut deals over. The problem is not the department, as much as it is that the United States has a pervasive fear in its population. For example, take a look at this gallup poll trend over the years on perceptions of crime: http://www.gallup.com/poll/150464/Americans-Believe-Crime-Worsening.aspx and then compare it to actual violent crime rates. Americans by a large margin believe that crime is getting worse, when, in fact, violent crime is going down. Note that the graph strongly corresponds to rhetoric on crime, and to personal economic, as opposed to physical, insecurity.
It does not matter what the department is called, as long as Americans vastly over-rate the chances of dying in criminal or terrorist attacks, particularly in crimes committed by strangers or foreigners, as opposed to the far more likely case of being killed by someone they know. Statistically speaking, suicide is more common that homicide, and among homicide categories, being killed by a current or former romantic partner outweighs all other categories. But that's not what DoHs monitors by and large. Instead looked at in an unbiased fashion, for example this post at Reason magazine, http://reason.com/archives/2006/08/11/dont-be-terrorized terrorism is a lower risk that we run going out to drive, or consuming ordinary products.
Fugue for Aaron Swartz
Let's call them 'The Happiness Patrol'.
Not only was it a great Dr Who episode (with good ol' Ace and the 7th doctor), but it paints a pretty grim picture that hits a little too close to the mark of how government works today.
Win Win.
In the true spirit of America, I propose a backcronym:
RETARDED: REdundant Treasonous Americans Raping Democracy Every Day
In recognition of their excellence in, and the cultural importance of, the art of Security Theatre as well as the DHS' impressive work in broadening the appeal of the Theatre Arts beyond stereotypical culture snobs, theatre tech geeks, and effeminate thesbians and into the untapped domain of jackbooted authoritarians, we should really place the DHS under the National Endowment for the Arts...
They might find it a bit difficult, at first, being under a department with a budget of less than $200 million, and having cultural reactionaries hate your guts; but I'm sure that they would adjust. They might also find collaboration with some of the more opaque postmodern artistic movements useful in crafting future regulations. Imagine how resistant to the forces of government transparency and oversight they could be if future watch lists and legally murky policies were not only secret; but took the form of abstract expressionist paintings or heavily redacted found-object collage. Wikileaks and their ilk would be helpless!
Dibs on working for Information Retrieval.
If you were blocking sigs, you wouldn't have to read this.
It might as well be a 1984 reference, that's what they aspire to. WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, and IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH!!
I'd rename it to "the now defunct, disbanded Department of Homeland Security". The military is supposed to secure our borders, and in my mind "security" doesn't mean being secure against tornados and earthquakes. FEMA should exist, DHS should not.
Free Martian Whores!
...since they handle more packages per day than those two combined, anyway.
help me i've cloned myself and can't remember which one I am
The Department of Freedom and Privacy Why do the names of these things frequently say backwards of what they do (eg, DRM)?
Imagine if you weren't allowed to use roads because a bus company complained about your driving 3 times. --skunkpussy
I vote for Department of Security for a couple of reasons, first the initials DOS matches up well with Denial Of Service and second if reminds us of Franklin's saying about giving up Liberty for Security.
Department of the Gravy Train
t
Because it should not exist.
I don't have a catchy acronym because its not funny.
We are in the stages of being another Greece, we have grown our government beyond our means to support it. The real one percent is those in high paying government jobs. Yes I know that not all jobs are high paying in government but there are too many horror stories to just be a coincidence.
Department of Homeland Security is Department of Jumped the Shark.... Time to start axing some Departments and this is a good place to start. Ron Paul seemed to have missed one.
* Winners compare their achievements to their goals, losers compare theirs to that of others.
We have had an organization charged with the defense of our nation for 370 years. How about we let them do their job rather than fight in overseas wars (and get rid of the expensive and excessive DHP)?
I believe in de-evolution. God made the world perfect, man fell, and its been going downhill ever since!
Department for the safety of the state.
Hey torture is already institutionalised, you have military tribunals, you have torture camps.
Just copy the old KGB and you're good to go.
The EPA is willing to spend up to $9 million to save a single human life. And the GOP claims this is too much.
The DOT (cars) and the FAA (plane construction) are willing to spend $6 million to save a single human life.
The Department of Homeland Security is willing to spend $180 million to save a single life (as per the Federal Air Marshall's estimates).
excitingthingstodo.blogspot.com
Schutzstaffel would be more appropriate.
And it's new logo would be the logo of the band Kiss with KI turned into DH.
Let's rename the war on terror to be more accurate too ...
Virtual strip-searches, ball-fondling, never-ending but ineffectual id checks, forcing women to drink their own breast-milk, arbitrary rule enforcement, making everyone go bare-foot, singling-out people by the clothes they wear, forcing people to remove nipple rings with pliers, torturing injured flyers, making people piss on themselves, the list is practically endless.
And yet the TSA hasn't caught a single terrorist.
But they sure are doing a bang-up job of destroying human dignity. Therefore I say we rename the War on Terror to The War on Dignity.
When information is power, privacy is freedom.
I think they should rename it to "The Unicorn Society", i mean they are looking for non-existent things afterall
Gestapo
Department of Gropeland Security
Let's just call it defunct.
Join the Slashcott! Feb 10 thru Feb 17!
...all patriots must learn to love their country.
gets my vote.
Okay, a lot of pretty fair slams on DHS here. Yeah, it's an impressively fascist name and it works like absolute shit at the department-level. Many of its agencies do good work, though. US Coast Guard, Customs, FEMA (when not run by Michael Brown), Secret Service. Any component of DHS that they moved in from other departments tend to work decently, while new ones they created, like TSA, work for shit. It's easy to condem the whole department but that's a superficial way to look at the problem.
The real problem was putting people who fundamentally don't believe government can work in charge of making government work.
Who can argue with that.
Ministry of Instantaneous and Last Freedom?
The DHS name has inspired cowardice, and when America needed its government department's help the most? It, and its thoughtless leader had better things to do. Hard? It's public record.
Department of Absolutely Meaningless National Insecurity Theater
because when I worked for a company that did work for the NSA, we had to call it "the agency"
United
States
Emergency
Law
Enforcement
Secret
Service
Department of Homeophobia
Bukowski said it. I believe it. That settles it.
In German. Or Russian. Or maybe Chinese.
Warning: this article may contain humor, sarcasm, parody, and perhaps even irony. Read at your own risk.
Are they finally admiting the crashed UFO in Rosswell and a Goa'uld Ship in Fairbanks? Then it's "Home*world* Security", otherwise, too bad, you stay the beloved DHS.
Seriously, it's going to grow as structured. Soon we will be enduring their crap on every form of transportation there is.
Blogging because I can...
need I to say more?
How about the Former Department of Homeland Security? Because it should be dismantled.
"However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results" - Winston Churchill
Nice and Orwellian with an American flavor.
"Are you from the Department of Upperclass Hooligans?" "D.U.H.!"
Care killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.
A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S. American Security Services, Homeland Operations, Law Enforcement for the State
-- http://www.doczayus.com/
Internal Surveillance and Security Service
They're using their grammar skills there.
We've already got the rip tracks for all their actions done anyway.
If you don't like it then you're not patriotic and might be a terrorist.
Reichssicherheitshauptamt, commonly translated as as "Reich Security Main Office". (Of course it was much smaller than the department of Homeland Security, it had only 30.000 employees vs 200.000 for Homeland Security)
ok, too obvious...?
"Abteilung Vaterland Sicherheit"
It will be a trick for Americans to learn to pronounce, but it's good practice to prepare them for "papiere, bitte".
First, they have to form a Committee for Renaming the Department of Homeland Security.
Second, the committee has to work for two years and draft a 1000-page conclusions document.
Third, there has to be a nation-wide referendum.
Fourth...
Big Brother!
how about Bureau of Cultural Enforcement
C|N>K
Department of Homeland Security Theatre.
short and sweet. of course, all the previous suggestions to name it "defunct" would be even better. for a more pointed suggestion:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ministry_of_Public_Enlightenment_and_Propaganda
Department of Public Cavity Searches
Retask it as the Department of Inverse Causality and Kabuki (DICK). Their motto can be "preventing yesterday's threats tomorrow." Anyone care to take a stab at translating that into Latin?
Dystopia Homeland Security, Torqueo Patria Obsidis (Distorted/Tortured/Twisted Homeland/Fatherland Hostage/Security)
It was hidden in plain sight all along.
Department of Information Retrieval.
would be my favorite but perhaps we should go with the spam voting meme and as a group astroturf this:
Department of Colbert
Another direction would be the
Department of Never Gonna Give you up.
If you think about the lyrics it actually makes a strange sense.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
I believe "Hedge Fund Department" would make BOFA more inclusive, because WF, CITI, and CHASE seem to have equal powers.
The Federal government should privatize it, retaining options at low strike prices. Then they can seek venture funding, have an IPO, sell into the general market, and reap enough profit to help make a dent in the national debt. The new, privatized TSA should be called Grope-on.
For all intensive purposes, "whom" is no longer a word. That begs the question, "who cares"?
Well, "Department of Homeland Security," to me, implies a department that's responsible for keeping US territory (the fifty states) safe. You know, defending it. So I would propose that we call it the "Department of Defense." Oh, wait, there's a problem because we already have some other department called that. But that department isn't really concerned with defending US soil, and it hasn't been since 1945. So I would propose that we do the following:
The thing currently called the Department of Homeland Security becomes the Department of Defense.
The thing currently called the Department of Defense becomes the Department of Invading Asia and the Middle-East.
Once we have the names straightened out, we can cut funding for anything being being done by the new Department of Defense (former DHS) that does not defend US territory. Oh, wait, that would imply defunding the whole thing.
Find free books.
How about the obvious:
Dept of CONTROL
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
How about "That Department we disbanded in 2012 because we all recognized the stupidity of security theater and the costs in wealth and public good of the ridiculous overreaction to 9/11 cost us?"
Or is that too long?
-Styopa
Department of the Nightwatch
Department of "Shut up citizen! We don't have to tell you who we are!"
It needs to be renamed the "Ministry of Love" or the "Department of Frightened Old Women" depending on which direction you want to go with your irony.
Proverbs 21:19
Department of Inequality, Capitalism, Korruption and Servitude
Sorry, couldn't think of anything good that starts with "K"
Following in the tradition of the USA PATRIOT act, the PROTECT act, and others like them (naming it to the exact opposite of its actual goal) we need to rename them to something like the Department of SAFETY - Securing American's Fear of Everything Threatening You.
The Ministry of Silly Walks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZlBUglE6Hc
I say give them something useful to do for once.
GeStaPo. Geheime Staat Polizei (Secret National Police).
Department of Fuck You, That's Why.
That's KGB if you know Russian.
'Nuff said
Rename DHS the Department of Defense, and rename the current Defense Department the Foreign Legion.
The only good dept of homeland security is a lack of one. Let the coasties go back to rescuing people and stopping smugglers.
No sir I dont like it.
Someone created an internet poll! ALERT THE PRESSES!!!!11
Seriously, is this even a story?
the Spanish Inquisition.
Of-course the Spanish Inquisition didn't by default assume that everybody is a terrorist, unlike DHS.
DHS shall be ironically known as Department of Honor and Selflessness.
You can't handle the truth.
Department of Fatherland Security
- (State Homeland Investigation Taskforce) - aka DIP(SHIT)
As a non-USAer; I have to say that the DHS has been doing an excellent PR job for your country.
I too think something in German or Russian would be appropriate. Amerikanischer Staat Schutz?
Wearing pants should always be optional.
Dredd
Security Theater
Motto: "Wasting billions making millions feel not one bit safer"
-- "Never underestimate the power of human stupidity." - R.A.H.
Department of reConstitution
Department In Constitution Killing
Ministry of If You Have Nothing To Hide Then What's The Problem?
Order of the New World
Department of Look Over There
Ministry of Get Used To It Because You are a Plebe
New NotSee Agency (bonus points for anyone who really gets this one)
Reformed Agency Protecting Everyone
Really, what's the point of an exercise in renaming it? Those that pay attention to the real plight will be mildly entertained, and those that do not will see only lame government-directed jibbery.
I haven't seen one single person claiming you can't possibly ever smuggle stuff using children as mules. Please point out where someone made that claim?
However, you can also smuggle stuff in a half billion other (mostly easier) ways. Therefore, although mandated groping of children at gunpoint is certainly a highly effective way to attract child abuser pervs into government service, it's also a pretty ineffective strategy for preventing smuggling. It hits only one particular, unlikely scenario while having obvious bad side effects (like parental anger).
So, if you want to stop smuggling, you'll need something better than subsidized child molestation, sorry. Keep trying, though - at least you have a clear goal. The TSA/DHS doesn't seem to have any useful mission, unless you count keeping Americans well terrified and submissive as a mission. They've certainly done nothing to reduce terrorism or smuggling so far, all progress that's come on that front so far has come from the military and the FBI.
Fatherland Security because it sounds like it is.
The Department of Perpetual Orange, with possible Yellow heading into this weekend.
Department of Fucking Idiots.
or
Department of Unpatriotic Mentality.
I want a new quote. One that won't spill. One that don't cost too much. Or come in a pill.
It's all in the subject.
Germany had the Fatherland, Motherland had the Soviet Union, and the US has Homeland.
Yeah, let's all mock Libertarians some more even though if they had any say the department of Homeland Security wouldn't even exist.
Following the story on Slashdot that the Department of Homeland Security mandated X ray machines in US airports that can be shown to lead cumulatively to the early deaths of hundreds of US citizens each year, than they effectively became the US branch of Al Qaeda, didn't they?
How about just plain "Bloated Fed Agency #8487493"
I was at the Southwest Airlines xray line in San Diego around 8:30 Thursday night.
I counted 3 people, including myself, in line. And at least 12 TSA agents on the clock.
No, now is not the time.
A new name implies a new focus, new processes, or at least a new mission attitude.
To rename it now is to embrace the department's need for PR image update, but without a clear new mandate it is just enabling 10 years of the same outdated behavior.
I appreciate the humor of the OP but this is the kind of idea I could see being promoted in the halls of DHS.
Many of the suggestions in this thread make the unfortunate mistake of being scared of the bogeyman that is DHS.
Call it something that defangs it, like "Department of the Congressional Campaign Treasury" After all, that's exactly what it is. Big money for the contracts, for the jobs, pours into the campaign coffers of the damn Hillsters.
We used to recognize the money trails. We used to call a copyright act the "mickey mouse protection racket."
The old is new again, so feel free to call out the monied interests. They were the ones that set the course of this country into that iceberg that we slammed in 2008, and they're currently making record-breaking profits on selling access to lifeboats and first aid.
Why exactly does it need renamed?
The only reason I can think of is because so many people are pissed off at the actions the agency has taken and is behind that renaming it will fool a lot of people into thinking Homeland security does not do evil, or does not exist anymore.
Leave the name alone, and simply clean up the act; Not the evidence of the act.
Top-level orgchart for DHS:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Homeland-security-orgchart-2008-07-17.png
Suggestions:
1) Put FEMA, plus the search & rescue part of the Coast Guard, under the Dept of Health and Human Services (HHS). Put the policing part of the Coast Guard under the DoD and/or Commerce.
2) Disband the TSA, and require private parties to control their own security. Let each airline specify their own security checks, to a regulated baseline. If you the consumer don't like the level of security, you can choose a different airline that makes you take off your shoes, or that asks you intelligent questions instead of stupidly frisking you, etc. Let the market decide.
3) Split the Secret Service into its separate functions under the Treasury (counterfeiting etc), President/VP (protection), and State (protection).
4) Put Customs under the Dept of Commerce.
5) Put Immigration under the Dept of State.
6) Send the higher bureaucracy of DHS to an isolated island in the south pacific, where it will implode within a matter of days under its own weight and paranoia.
7) Nothing is left to rename. Move along.
...how about "unemployed".
Judicial Amnesty Cancellation Klub And SchutzStaffel Expeditionary Staff
How about we keep the name but only refer to it in the historical sense? As in, "Remember when the Department of Homeland Security existed and made everyone's live miserable with no noticeable improvement in homeland security?"
That's pretty much the entire "Federal Reserve". We may be converging on a root problem here.
oh sorry, I thought if we were going to do name calling, I'd better ask an elementary school kid.
The Department of Fascist Enforcement of the Police State of America, because frankly that's what it is.
Seriously, it's all some Nazi bullshit that we should jam in their ass this next election. I got a feeling this next election cycle will be another "fuck you all, your fired" voter reaction. We just need some people that will actually do as we want them, not as they are bribed.
Take the Red Pill.
The Mother of all Fatherland Departments?
Praetorian Guard.
The Department of Fear Uncertainty and Doubt. The Department of Homeland Uncertainty
ministry of peace, love, and the rubber glove.
Virtual strip-searches, ball-fondling [boingboing.net], never-ending but ineffectual id checks [nypost.com], forcing women to drink their own breast-milk [usatoday.com], arbitrary rule enforcement [hotair.com], making everyone go bare-foot, singling-out people by the clothes they wear [nydailynews.com], forcing people to remove nipple rings with pliers [rackjite.com], torturing injured flyers [podiatry.com], making people piss on themselves [msn.com], the list is practically endless.
And yet the TSA hasn't caught a single terrorist.
You seem to have missed the entire point. George W. Bush was right there on TV 4 hours after the 9/11 attacks announcing that the UBL terrists did it and they Hate Us For Our Freedoms.
So, he went about implementing DHS to take away our Freedoms so that the terrists wouldn't hate us anymore.
Now that we're guilty until proven innocent and treated like sheeple at the airports and at random papers-please checkpoints around the country, whilst the government taps our phones and sends agents to infiltrate church groups, the terrists no longer have any reason to hate us.
So, of course the TSA hasn't caught any terrists - they prevent them from needing to attack in the first place!
My God, it's Full of Source!
OUTSIDE_IP=$(dig +short my.ip @outsideip.net)
Obviously, it should be called "Big Brother". Or the "Department of Useless Expensive Machines".
They can have the slogan "We've never met a terrorist that we ...", well that obviously needs to be shortned to "We've never met a terrorist."
Department of Terrorism Mission Accomplished
Updated for a new age...
Ministry of Peace, Love and Tolerance.
Fuck you Orwell hater mods!
of that thing.
A Greek euphemism for the Furies.
How about WSSR, for Waffen SS, Reconstituted?
DHS has to be the most ineffective government agency I've ever dealt with.
Seriously, can't they find some method to find bad guys that doesn't involve long lines and ineffective searches?
How about the "nightwatch".
The Suede/Denim secret police, just to acknowlegde that we are somehow living in a world accurate predicted by Jello Biafra.
Federal Early Action Rights Modifier of Non-Global Exceptional Rights (FEARMONGER).
I have always hated the name. It smacks of Nazi Germany and the father land. I see it as an attempt to start people identifying with the land and not the democracy and freedom. It is the next step (as in the Patriot Act ..) that you try to get people to give up the country and our constitutional rights to protect the "HomeLand" as if the land and whatever form of autocratic government would evolve would be OK because what was important was the "Homeland" not the country, not America, not our freedoms and liberties. You notice its the Republicans that wave the flag, name things "Homeland", push forward the Patriot act and other simiar "streamling" of removal of our protections and freedoms in the name of God and the constitution. Of course the real agenda is to lock down profits, copyrights, patents, eliminate bankrupcies, eliminate restrictions that would have prevented most all the economic disasters in recent history, all from preservation of the top profits.
Snake oil salesmen are not dead, they just joined the party.
The post title pretty much say's it all. This is just an excuse to allow the government more intrusion into the lives of private citizens.
I'm torn between:
Ministry of Truth
Ministry of Love
Because they really perform both functions already...hmmm...
Das Schutzstaffel - fits perfectly. Even already have a snazzy logo and uniform.
H-SD for short. ..."tasked with the detection of actual or potential enemies of the Nazi leadership and the neutralization of this opposition." (From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sicherheitsdienst.)
Gestapo?
The Department of Security Theater
Delivering Managed Freedoms Across The Enterprise(tm)
Fascism is indistinguishable from any parody thereof.
...or DERP. Their agents can be DERPs and DERPettes, and they'll go around the country doing DERPy things to better DERPify our country.
I think the cute diminutive form - ie "homo" would work.
And who would work there?
Homos, of course.
Seriously. Let's look at the stats.
Damage done by terrorists vs. damage (cost) from DHS?
Damage to freedom by terrorists vs. damage from DHS?
Fear and uncertainty caused by terrorists vs. fear and uncertainty caused by DHS?
the only thing the terrorists are still leading at is "people killed". But we're working on that.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
And it would be as wrong as the whole department. (It's "die", not "das").
Fitting.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
Rename it to The Federal Bereau of Investigation. Because it's their fucking job anyway.
although Security Theater, We're Here To Help, and Former are favorites as well.
The current state of things appears be like trying to implement the Professionalism and Responsibilities of the FBI with bureaucrats.
The folks are smart, dedicated, and hopefully mean well, but it attitude just isn't there.
The results are entertaining, but the risk to the constitution is troublesome.
Gets my vote
Hope is the currency of fools
'Nuff said.
MiniPax. We all know it is.
I suggest that they rename TSA to STASI or maybe NKVD.
"Flyin' in just a sweet place,
Never been known to fail..."
I suppose I should use a fresh VM, from a different subnet going through TOR to post this.
K -
G -
B
Rename it "Department of Homeland Stupidity". At least you wouldn't have to change all the badges and crap that has acronyms. A better choice would be disbanding the whole freaking mess.
And what the fsck is up with Slashdot? These new captchas are bloody impossible to read and only work about 25% of the time. Seriously, I'm about ready to defect to someplace like theregister.co.uk that at least does'nt present me with a mangled mess of a page half the time I try to drill into something.
That way it reflects who it is serving and there is no need to spend money changing stationery (as long as it said DHS)
Welcome home!...
NOW STRIP!
Companies regularly undergo brand renaming when they conveniently want their bad history to dissolve in the public eye. Don't let the US government do the same.
Starbucks, Harbuckle of Breath.
Federal Bureau of Underpants
Bend Over and Enjoy It
We're Listening All the Time
State Secrets
Granny is A Terrorist
Transportation Strip Searches
Transportation Cancer Screening
We're Going to Fondle You Now
Baby in Carrier is a Terrorist
9 Oz. Prevention
Let Me See Your Papers
Vote monkeys into Congress. They are cheaper and more trustworthy.
Geheime Staats Polizei
Warm Cozy Blankie For All Bed Wetting Losers Willing To Sacrifice Liberty For Security But Will Get Neither?
WCBFABWLWTSLFSBWGN
I know what you are thinking. I left out the word Nazi or Fascist but I thought that was going too far :)
Now we just need to track down everyone's identity, and we have a nice slice of those critical of our security apparatus, ripe for interrogation. A sincere round of thanks from your local branch of psyops.
United-States Histerical Intellitence Terrorists.
?
scare the people and tell them we live in a dangerous world, so that we can start a new war soon. Against Iran maybe.
I love a good double meaning.
I always thought the "Ministry of Truth" had a nice uber-authoritarian ring to it.
Minitstry of Truth was first used in George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four. JMS openly admitted borrowing the concept because he wanted people to instantly understand that the ministry was a farce.
Calling someone a "hater" only means you can not rationally rebut their argument.
I've been in the military and vendor contractor side of the business for so long that "homeland" is a non sequitur. Duffel bag, cot, MRE's, and an Internet connection - that's "home" enough for me. "Land" is definitely non-sensical if the bunk is moving at sea or if I'm strapped into a jump seat on a C-17 ... DHS has always been more of a mangler of mgmt reports and budgets, so "security" is also a non sequitur if you really needed a sitrep yesterday.
I always thought it might be nice to have a "Department of Don't Know". DDK is more honest. Basically, if a President turns to a Secretary of Defense with a question about troop readiness in Uganda, and gets the "I Don't Know" look, someone gets to text the DDK Office the question to get an estimate on how long and how expensive it might be to get an answer.
If FEMA doesn't know if it has the Congressional funding to fix up Mineral, VA, well then, send a text message to DDK and see how much and how long those good citizens have to wait before FEMA can kick Eric Cantor's butt before FEMA can sign over a check to fix those Virginia public works and homes wrecked by that surprise 5.8 magnitude quake in August 2011.
If Defense doesn't know how to secure the Mexican border, then text DDK the question, and see how much and how long it might take to set up traffic cameras along the border and post border guards to hand out tickets for visiting the US illegally. Imagine trying to sneak into the US with a parking boot locked on your front axle. Now imagine the same thing tied to your leg.
Just think of DDK as WolframAlpha.com tweaked to understand Washington-speak.
Sometimes the "right" answers begin with the "wrong" questions.
CONTROL Oops! been done 45 years ago. Sorry about that Chief...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Get_Smart
If you want emphasize uncompromising efficiency go for Cheka To point out massive participation and instill fear in the enemy use NKVD For respectability and all-encompassing permeability use KGB
The truth is always easier to remember
I think Gestapo is appropriate. It seems like we are all suspects, and must prove we not carrying weapons. "They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." Ben Franklin.
Bureau of Applied Stalinism
Or how about:
American
Stalinist
Security for
Managing
Unpatriotic
National
Citizenry in the
Homeland
at least it sill be a bit more politically correct!
Department - the act of departing, leaving, going away.
Department of homeland security - the office responsible for making all the homeland security to depart.
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Slashdot: News for Paranoid Cynics
Utilizing the synergization of benchmark e-solutions to pre-workaround action items!
Security of Homeland Intelligence from Threats.
V
How about Gestapo?