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BOFH...What other people's technology related stress will do to you if you work in the IT field.

BOFH official Archive for the noobs out their :)

Loni is a punter...

...Punters tell customers that their problem is not really with their computer, but with their software, their printer, their phone lines, solar flares, whatever they can make sound believable. Then a punter will look at the piece of paper hanging above their phone and read you those four magic words.

A user rings

"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask

"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse ".. clock speed"

But it is instructive to read some prior comment on mi2g, such as "Iraq will destroy us by computer" the experts screamed, or a more general index of mi2g myths, or a search for mi2g at NTK or even their own reasonably barking mad press releases.

I'm not uncomfortable with a finding that Linus boxes leak like sieves whilst windows boxes immitate Fort Knox; I'm by no means in security denial here. But I simply don't believe a word mi2g say.

I understand MS needs more monkeys.

I think there should be a Steve Balmer quip around here somewhere...

They say that if you have an infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of keyboards for an infinite period of time, you will get the collected works of Shakespeare. If you get the source code to Microsoft Windows, you need to add more monkeys.

[Heard at a Linux Users of Victoria meeting]

A country full of U.S.ers... what a hell!
Just escape to Canada!
I understand why they want to bo different.


The BOFH

It appeared in the current issue of NTK, for one.

For the hard of thinking, Andover=OSDN=Slashdot's evil overlords.

Seriously, check out NTK which occassionally features "one of these pictures is not like the rest" links to google images searches, where normally innocent searches pull up some "interesting" results.

• Free, but worth thousands more: FreeBSD, Linux, and more...
  
• Pricey, but worth every penny: Mac OS X
  

...most experts apparently think removal of software tools and access to information from the majority of computer and Internet users would be a good thing.

Well, of course! Most users are morons and don't deserve computers! bwahahahahahaha!

Umm... The BOFH (Bastard Operator From Hell) concerns the machinations of a certain evil sysadmin called Simon.

It's fiction (we hope). It also happens to be a damn funny read. Why was the parent modded 'informative' of all things?

Hence the BOFH.

Naaah, its more like:
"developers! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! developers!"

Would Ballmer add the smell of sweat to the room?

Hmmmm.....

"Angry Admin"... Are you in some way related to BOFH?

As NTK pointed out last week, MORI are looking for people to take part and raises a point on skewed statistics, maybe?..

"Pollsters MORI will be ensuringthat the Digitised 10K will be a representative sample the UK population: and here's where it gets interesting. MORI are inviting people to apply. Assuming that those most worried about biometrics in society aren't going to leap at the chance to be fingerprinted in advance of the giant Orwellian (etc) database, why not help the sample from getting a bit too skewed? Plus who wouldn't want to mess with cool, hackable, potentially dystopian gadgets?"

Seems a oppotune time to get my passport renewed, perhaps.

As NTK pointed out last week, MORI are looking for people to take part and raises a point on skewed statistics, maybe?..

"Pollsters MORI will be ensuringthat the Digitised 10K will be a representative sample the UK population: and here's where it gets interesting. MORI are inviting people to apply. Assuming that those most worried about biometrics in society aren't going to leap at the chance to be fingerprinted in advance of the giant Orwellian (etc) database, why not help the sample from getting a bit too skewed? Plus who wouldn't want to mess with cool, hackable, potentially dystopian gadgets?"

Seems a oppotune time to get my passport renewed, perhaps.

It is Microsoft's fault for producing poor code. It is not Microsoft's fault for producing viri. Its seems to me -- honestly -- that there is a prevasive thought in the Slashdot community that it's the product's fault, not the exploiter's. Could any clearify this for me? The virus writer is more at fault right? I mean, Bill Gates may be the biggest bastard ever, and he may have even broken anti-trust laws, but does that mean that virus writers aren't equally or even more so wrong?

You have it there, buddy. The problem, as Steve Ballmer so eloquently put it, is developers. Developers, developers, developers, developers, developers.

For anyone not familiar: Link to 'developers' (and monkeyboy) videos.

Gates on the other hand can ORDER everyone in his employ to jump around and shout "I'm a little idiot!" and they'll have to do it wether they like it or not.

... only if they really are little idiots. Or is that what he said to get Ballmer to do his monkeyboy routine?

link to various formats of dancemonkeyboy (avi, mpeg, etc)

"Morpheus! Morpheus! Morpheus! Morpheus! Morpheus!"

Note: For those who don't get the above attempt at humour, peep this: http://www.ntk.net/media/developers.mpg

http://www.ntk.net/ballmer/mirrors.html

It's a ballmer original. Larry might have referenced it or parodied it in a State of the Onion.

Oh my god, so that's what NTKnow's headline "goto's considered non-harmful" is imitating. LOL!

Thanks!

or even NTK

#11 Simon the BOFH (.. who were jealous of my six figure salary and my five minute working day)

Here is a little titbit from last year about the department who provided those streams:

http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?b=02002-06-14&l=5 0#l

Let's just call ourselves "developers" or something be done with it. It sure would help with the marketing of OSS.

"Developers, developers, developers, developers!"

Dude, I DON'T think so.

I'd be happy if M$ would fire people for lacking discresion, morals, taste and hygine, but alas such things get you promoted.

Get your facts straight, M$ justified it as a "security violation". It gave terrorists valuable information about a section of loading dock and the back of the truck that look like any other truck and loading dock. No, that makes no sense but we are talking M$ here. Sensless and dishonest are par for the course.

are those boxing gloves on that article steve ballmer's? so that he can box when he dances like a monkey.

Humor, or clever flamebait. In any event, I applaud.

Like this?

A true professional would already know all about documentation, but for those who don't, hereare some references .

Yes.. I was just about to comment on that. Here it is: The BOFH wins an award from his peer group ... (halfway down the page)

Ooh! Are you Peter B?

Don't start about personality!

Vmyths appears to summarise the anti-mi2g camps position. Searches for mi2g on NTK and The Register, (when its search engine is working) for mi2g are as enlightening as they are amusing.

Nah, I'm not *that* much of a BOFH! Almost, but not quite!

Be the Bastard.

There is a fundamental reading about project management for the jack-off-all-tech-trades.

It teaches you everything about saying no AND enjoying it.

The Bastard Operator from Hell Official Archive

Some of those are classics :-)

When they come to you with requests, always get their username!
Then you can provide them with the full user experience they so richly deserve.
MUH, HA, HA, HA!

The BOFH will show you the way to happiness and funds whenever possible.

There already is--well, not mine but the One True BOFH.

I guess that would be a successor to the Monkey Boy, then?

Steve Ballmer a.k.a. Monkey Boy!

..somebody really pissed off the BOFH this time....

Scene: Microsoft HQ
Present: Emporer Gates, DBallmer

Emporer Gates: Darth Ballmer, it has come to my attention that we do not possess 90% market share in certain aspects of our operation. Your performance diappoints me...

Darth Balmer: Ook.(1)(2)(3) [Hooo...haaa...hooo...haaa](4)

Emporer Gates: Our code causes only 50% of crashes, yet we control 95% of desktop computers...can you explain the ineffectiveness of our operation? Why are we lagging in this area?!?!?

Darth Balmer: Ook. [Hoooo...haaaaa...hoooo...haaaa]

Emporer Gates: Please put your army of flying monkey dark Jedi to work on this problem immediately. I expect results, Ballmer. You will not fail me in this, or you will be looking for bananas in the sodomy pits of the Hutts!

Darth Balmer: Ook! [Hoooo...haaaaa...hoooo...haaaa]

GF.

(1) Monkeyboy
(2) Librarian
(3) I'm aware that it should be "Ape-boy" if the Librarian is an Orangutan, but if you don't tell the Librarian, I won't.
(4) Darth Vader breathing sound

But the choice of the date appears to be a ploy to confuse the issue...

As those decidedly non-American folks from NTK put it:

A perfect date for adequate scrutiny and news coverage, of course.

But the choice of the date appears to be a ploy to confuse the issue...

As those decidedly non-American folks from NTK put it:

A perfect date for adequate scrutiny and news coverage, of course.

Well thank goodness, something has to be done about all these freak'n "innocent" people around the world. Seems like they are everyplace anymore, and if this keeps up, there isn't going to be room for the Bastards like me.

If I can help thin the hurd a little by keeping my system up to date, then by all means, it's money well spent!