Slashdot Mirror

• "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
• "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
• "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
• "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

You can read many funny warning (product) labels if you google for it

The first result, Things People Said: Warning Labels has lots of them, and they are funny :)
I don't know if they are all true, but they do make for some amusing reading.

I agree. One should never underestimate the power of human stupidity when it comes to computers.

1. How to Argue
2. How to be Persuasive
3. How to Make Friends at Work

check this one out:
http://rinkworks.com/dialect/dialectp.cgi?dialect= hckr&url=http%3A%2F%2Fslashdot.org&inside= 1

Dialectizer Wizard

Please choose a language...

( ) Elmer Fudd
( ) Redneck
( ) Jive
( ) Cockey
( ) Sweedish Chef (my favorite)
( ) Moron
( ) Pig Latin
( ) Hacker

(BTW, this is from The Dialectizer site - Microsoft currently blocks them - no sense of humor)

In the remote chance you haven't seen it, this might be what you're looking for.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of this supposed jury, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a wookie, from the planet Kishik. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. That does not make sense.

Why would a wookie, an 8 foot tall wookie, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two foot tall Ewoks. That does not make sense.

But more importantly, you must ask yourself: what does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and Gentlemen of this supposed jury, it has nothing to do with this case. Look at me, I'm a lawyer, [prosecuting] a [auto company], and I'm talking about Chewbacca. I am not making any sense. None of this makes any sense.

So, when you're in that jury room debating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation, you must ask yourself this question: Does it make sense?

No. It does not make sense. If Chewbacca lives on Endor you must [convict]. The [prosecution] rests."

ahem, that would be: Bork, Bork, Bork.

How far will they have to pare down the book to make a three hour (or so) movie?

If you like reading about stupid computer users, you might like this page.

But the tab key? Surely you jest! What about the 'any' key?

For example the people that use Internet Explorer do so not because "other browsers don't work with ActiveX" but because they are not even aware of the existence of Opera or Mozilla.

Actually Linux has quite a bit of advertsing. Some from news some from advocacy and some from IBM.

However you'll be supprised how many people know anything about Windows.
Snipped from Computer stupiditys
Tech Support: "May I ask what operating system you are running today?"
Customer: "A computer."

I had a similare conversation with my sister. I asked her what web browser she was using and she said she didn't know. She is tech savy enough to know she dosen't know. Most people think the web browser they use is "Pentium 4" or "Gateway" some might even say "Windows" only a tiny handful will actually say "Internet Explorer"... and even then they won't know what version.

On that... Believe it or not somebody is using a beta version of Internet Exploror (or a very poor bot) eather way I plan on blocking it's access. At the very least somebody needs a browser update.

Web professionals often have multipul versions of IE installed (there is a hack to make this possable) to insure compatability. Not only do users use IE but they only update it when they update the operating system and usually that happends when they update the whole computer.

Microsofts success is due to the ultimate advertsing.. The only product available in most cases.

The downfall of Linux is much less like the downfall of Rome and more like the downfall of socity. Often discussed never manifest.

In the server market Linux is an unqualified success. Linux has more share of the desktop market than it rightfully deserves. Nearly all of it users looking for a cheap alternitive to Windows. Linux owes any success it obtains it the desktop market to Microsofts sloppy work and successfully crushing all closed source compeditors.

To add to the picture Linux is pushing aside compeditors left and right in the imbeded market including Microsoft.

Linux is a failure in the desktop market becouse it simply isn't ready for the desktop market.
Yet it is making headway.

If a clunky cryptic CLUE operating system can get as far as Linux has in the desktop what's going to happen when KDE or Gnome is ready for the avrage user?

When products domainate [sic] and earn name recognition they deserve it not to be trampled ...

An eponym is a general term used to describe from what or whom something derived its name. /.../ a proprietary eponym could be considered a brand name /.../ which has fallen into general use." [American proprietary eponyms]

Customer: "There are smoke and flames coming from my computer."
Tech Support: "Uh, hang up, unplug the computer from the wall, and call the local fire department."
Customer: "That's not the problem. I need to know how to do a backup. Fastest possible method."

Amen!
You might want to read this page (search the page for "telnet" and "GIF").

You mean this?

Set 12/25 and you will get a Christmas theme in Rise of the Triad game. There are other Easter eggs for other holidays too!

Oh jeez, I can't keep the accent up.

That reminded me of this translator. My personal favorite dialect is Swedish Chef. Bork! Bork! Bork!

"why would anyone use these techniques other than to harvest email like a spammer"

1. Archiving data on the web
2. Getting your files back when you forget your FTP password
3. Researching the link structure of the Internet and how it changes over time
4. Playing a joke on a friend by scraping his site and reposting the content, filtered in your favorite dialect
5. Reading your favorite site in an RSS reader, even if they don't provide an RSS feed
6. Counting how often certain words on used on the net
7. Checking to see if you have any broken links on your site
8. Testing to make sure every link is reachable on your site, and finding out how deep the deepest link is
9. Taking data from a public website and compiling useful statistics, such as GPA calculations, average completion times for cross country races, or the total number of points scored last night in the NHL.
10. Showing people that the Internet can be more than just a web browser

Some additions to this impressive list:

Also, on Computer Stupidities:

Customer: "What's the fastest way to move 500 megabytes of data daily from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles?"
Tech Support: "Fed Ex."

...and for what it's worth, University of Oulu computer museum has a box of punched cards on display, with a Finnair tag on its side, and a note that it did have higher bandwidth than modems.

Everyone's a nerd because some bits of sci-fi culture have made it into the mainstream? Bull. Everyone who called me for help this year because they'd (insert blurb from Computer Stupidities here) had seen the Matrix, too.

For you, no problem!!

Translated to "moron"
"Elin Oxenhielm, a 22-year-old madematics student at Stockholm Ubehsity, may habe solbid part of one of the, ERRRR, sciess's great progglems. Next weebuhk an article will be publishid rebealigg heh solushun f' part of Hilbeht's 16d progglem, Swebuhdish news agency TT reports."

Thanks to the Dialectizer. Its pretty funny translated into any of the other options too, but my favourite is "Jive"

For you, no problem!!

Translated to "moron"
"Elin Oxenhielm, a 22-year-old madematics student at Stockholm Ubehsity, may habe solbid part of one of the, ERRRR, sciess's great progglems. Next weebuhk an article will be publishid rebealigg heh solushun f' part of Hilbeht's 16d progglem, Swebuhdish news agency TT reports."

Thanks to the Dialectizer. Its pretty funny translated into any of the other options too, but my favourite is "Jive"

Aragorn: We must travel the Paths of the Dead.

Eowyn: You'll die.
(They don't.)

Gandalf :The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith.
(They don't.)

Gandalf: We must attack Mordor. We'll all be killed.
(They aren't.)

Gollum: Mmmm, yummy finger! (dies)

Frodo: The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor.

Sam: Buck up, Master Frodo.
(A bunch of feathered DEUS EX MACHINAS come out of NOWHERE and save EVERYBODY.)

THE END

(taken from Book-A-Minute)

Of course it would be better to find some friendly admin at a non-http-redirected site who would give you access to his proxy server, but then not everybody has this kind of friends.

There's always the Anonymizer service. I've had great luck using them when my IP address got banned from Slashdot. (It was my own dumb fault, so I wasn't complaining.) Their site has Yahooified -- it used to be easy to find stuff, but now it appears to have been portalized. But if I'm translating correctly, they're now offering anonymous surfing in the "Privacy Manager" package for us$30/year (payable by PayPal, credit card, or other methods).

Or, for another type of proxying, you could always just read Slashdot in Pig Latin...

You know, when I saw in the article that AOL was automatically turning off users' Messenger Service, I wondered if that was stepping over the line. After all, we Slashdotters *hate* it when someone messes with our configuration without our permission!

Then, I read the process, and remembered doing the same thing to turn off the oh-so-obvious "Your print job is complete" messages from the laser printer in the next cube. It would be so easy for a non-geek to either screw up or freeze like a deer in the headlights:

Beales recommends that current Windows users manually shut the service off to protect themselves from unwanted pop-ups.
To disable Messenger:
* Click Start, and then click Control Panel (or point to Settings, and then click Control Panel).
* Double-click Administrative Tools.
* Double-click Services.
* Double-click Messenger.
* In the Startup type list, click Disabled. Click Stop, and then click OK.

Not to stereotype AOLers, but considering what their tech support would face if newbies were given those instructions, I think they did the right thing to shut off a service that nobody uses anyway.

I'm trying to think of why the Messenger Service was a good thing in the first place. I recall way back before Win95, we used to prank each other with dire "system messages". Was that all it was ever good for?

A little background information would be useful. For all I know, he could be the Swedish Chef on the Muppets.

Bjarne Stroustroup in "Swedish."

Since the site is Slashdotted, here's a quote from the translated interview:

Zee prublem veet zee C vey is thet iff yuoo vreete-a cude-a C-style-a, yuoo get C-style-a prublems. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Yuoo veell get booffffer ooferffloos. Yuoo veell get pueenter prublems. Und yuoo veell get herd tu meeentein cude-a, becoose-a yuoo're-a vurkeeng et a fery loo lefel. Su zee cust is in defelupment teeme-a und meeentenunce-a teeme-a.

Me: Computer! What's happening in Iraq today?

Computer: Three mo'e South Car'linan soldiers were killed today in Iraq as attacks intensified, cuss it all t' tarnation.

Just give it to a luddite...

Computer Stupidities. It doesn't get updated much if at all any more but it's still hilarious.

nobody thought of this link? or did somebody already post it?
Computer stupidities.

NOTE: Don't miss parent's link Fucking hilarious. I just about peed my pants.

I don't see what the big deal is here. They told him he could go to a friend's house and read the license, but he refused.

For those of you considering an Dell Purchase, I suggest you read it.

This has been on rinkworks for years. Check out the site for more funny stuff.

I like "Computer Stupidities" better.

That's a great site - but just to be fair, everyone make sure they read this section.

From THIS???

You should submit your summary to "Book A Minute" at http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/sff.shtml.

I was calling to sign up with a new DSL provider. When the guy asked what operating system I was using, I said, "Linux." I was put on hold for five minutes, and then a supervisor came back and told me, "You can't use Linux to connect to the Internet. It's a hacker tool, anyway."

fantasy name generator

The best one I've ever come across is fantasy name generator.

I'm not sure what dialect you would call this, but the SCO website looks pretty funny translated to jive.

"I'm goin' t'smack some shush into yo' stupid sco moud"

Courtsey of The Dialecticizer

T&K.

Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we'll try to destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with.

It's not evil. It's mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!! MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Elrond

Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the Ring to where he lives.

Boromir

Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring.

No.

What have I done? (dies)

THE END

Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we'll try to destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with.

It's not evil. It's mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!! MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Elrond

Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the Ring to where he lives.

Boromir

Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring.

No.

What have I done? (dies)

THE END

About a year ago, I was called out to do field service. When I got to the lady's house and was let in, the first thing I noticed was the smell of gunpowder. The second, the double barreled 12-gauge shotgun lying on the couch. Third, the big gaping hole in the side of her computer. (It was one of those Macs where the CPU and monitor are in the same housing.)

I looked at her. She was a little grey haired woman, around 60 or so. Had she? Not possible. Still, I had to ask.

Me: "Did you shoot...?"
Customer: "Yes, I got a little mad at it. They told me I couldn't hurt it, but I think they were wrong. Can you salvage anything?"

I mumbled something about not being a Mac tech and told her I would send one out as soon as I could. Then I burned rubber out of there.

About a month later, my boss called me in; he had the woman on hold. She had apparently complained that I was not competent and that I had lied when I said I would send out a competent Mac tech -- or perhaps I just hadn't been able to find anyone competent working for us. I filled him in. He paused for a second, picked up the phone, and said, "Ma'am? Did you put a shotshell into your computer? ... Uh huh...I'm sorry, ma'am, we really can't...well, no.... I'll try to send one out.... Nice doing business with you...." He hung up, looked at me, and said, "You think any of our Mac techs will go?" I shook my head. "Me neither."

We heard from her again last week, when my boss told me that the woman had called up to cuss me out, saying not only was I a "young whippersnapper" but also a liar, since one of our competitors had fixed her computer just fine, even fixing the little scratches and stuff on the monitor glass. That sounded fishy, so I went over and talked with the techs. After a case of canned drinks and a few bags of junk food, I wormed the whole story out of them. Apparently, about the only salvagable part was the hard drive (which the buckshot had missed), so they took it out, went out and bought a whole new computer, slapped the hard drive in, and presented it to the lady as her repaired computer -- of course charging her an arm and a leg.

That is so hilarious! Unfortunately, when a computer gets involved, people actually do freak. Try here for supposedly true examples. When I opened a PC in front of a teacher, though, she FREAKED OUT BIG TIME. I got her to back off, but still...

Rand al'Thor

Tam is my father.

Moiraine

Everybody come with me.

No. Well, ok.

Rand al'Thor

Tam is my father.

THE (predictable, cliched, dumb) END

Fans

Yah! Wah hah! This is the greatest book ever! Whoo hoo! This is the greatest series ever! Whoopie! Yee haw!

Unfortunately it doesn't, but this will.